#1435 – The Expat Files: Life in Latin America, Beach Houses, and More

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came up to play and now I wonder Hello there all you ex-pad wannabes. I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started All right, just a little reminder. It's sign-up time for my August 2025 expat insider seminar It's a week long and starts Friday, August 15th and runs through Friday, August 22nd

[00:45] So mark your calendars and go to expat plan B dot-com To check out the complete info and sign-up details. Once again, we'll be flying in and out of Guatemala City Spend some time in Guatemala head to El Salvador then back again to Guatemala You know El Salvador right the safest country in the Western Hemisphere. In fact the world That's such a strange thing to contemplate, but it's a hundred percent true again, you repeat offenders will get a thousand dollars off the regular price and Of course as usual we'll have an early bird discount for the people who sign up in the first month So you've got the month of May to sign up and get a five hundred dollar discount then on June 1st to the regular pricing by the way for those of you who are looking to kill two birds with one stone that is come down to the seminar and

[01:33] Apply for a permanent residency in Guatemala at the same time Well since we're about three months away from the seminar that gives you plenty of time to get your paperwork ready It usually takes about a month to gather all the necessary documents, you know proof of income FBI report, etc So if you're interested in applying for permanent residency at the same time our seminar lawyer Jose will hold your hand through the process If that's part of your plan, let us know when you sign up and Jose will get the residency ball rolling for you So again, just go to expatplanb.com go to the center of the page and you'll see a link that says Johnny's August 2025 expat insider seminar just click on it. Alright, let's talk a little bit about how expats live down here in Latin America More precisely how expats and going to bees and wannabes wish they could live

[02:22] What do most expats prefer to live in a gated guarded community a residential tower? Maybe home steadying out the boonies maybe with farm animals dogs and driveway chickens Well, yeah, there's all that but many expats I've found and lots of gonna bees and wannabes have as their dream to live In a beach house. Maybe that's your dream life. Is it so then what about living in a beach house? Well, you know up in the states many people have the same dream to have their house in the city or you know A little town wherever they live and also have a vacation house a cabin cabana Whatever you want to call it on a lake river ocean or beach in fact many years ago when I was living in the States, I was one of those guys I had a house in the city and a

[03:08] Weekend house on a nice lake in Wisconsin beautiful little lake called Eagle Lake and you know Especially in the Midwestern United States That's so many people's dream to have that house in the city close to work and they have that weekend vacation house Did you have that dream too? Were you able to do it? Well, I also know from living down in Latin America more than 30 years now That's also a dream of many expats They come down here get settled get that apartment or house in the city or wherever they're gonna live And they also decide they want to have that weekend beach house Hey, I did that too had a house in a beautiful residential tower in San Jose the capital of Costa Rica And I had a house a beach house in a gated guarded complex about two blocks from the ocean in

[03:56] Manuel Antonio Beach the Pacific side of Costa Rica. So the question is is that a good idea? Is that something you should be hoping for something you want to achieve? Will that bring a certain extra little happiness or contentment to your life? Well, I found out in most all cases the answer to that is no Though many people say at first. It's like buying a boat You just love it and after a while we all know how that story ends. Let me put it to you this way It's all well and good to pick as your principal home You're only home a beach house if that's your style of life man If that's your idea of paradise go for it by all means go for it If it's your only residence, you'll probably love it. But as you'll hear as we talk about it more today It's not an easy thing at all having and maintaining

[04:42] Two separate distinct residences one. Let's say in the city and one at the beach now as for me I'm not really a beach guy. Yeah, I've had a beach house here too, but I don't really much like going into the water I'm not a water sports guy. I don't ski tried it really didn't turn me on I like snorkeling. All right, but not as a hobby. I only do it maybe once every year or two Hey, don't get me wrong. I tried and I tried to do the water sports thing Bought me a ski do even but as it turned out for me I much rather take a dip into the pool once in a while, even though the ocean is just you know, 80 feet away So I tried what people consider to be the best of both worlds Having a beach house and having a house in the city and here's what I've discovered along the way If you absolutely love the beach by all means get a home there live there permanently

[05:31] But don't have two houses not in Latin America That might work for you If you live in Chicago or have in a house in the city in a cabin up north Because you see if you're living in the Midwest and have a cabin up north you can lock that thing away Leave it for a couple of weeks even a couple of months come back and it will be generally undisturbed Oh dusty and in need of a little cleanup on the porch outside in the yard Inside of it too, but it'll be pretty much as you left it last time you came now Of course, I'm talking about how things were 30 or 40 years ago in the States It might all be different now Maybe you have to have someone live in permanently or have bars on your windows I don't know But at least when I had a summer house up north you could lock it away for days weeks even months and pretty much

[06:18] Nothing would happen in between now as far as down here in Latin America that sort of particular gringo dream still holds Many many gringos and expats I know want to have a house in the city where all the action is and a beach house Something fairly close not too far away. Maybe two three hours a drive at max from the main homestead Sounds great, doesn't it? What more could you ask for? Well, of course, you've heard that saying the more you have the more it complicates your life Take it from me having a second home like a beach house It complicates your life in more ways than you could possibly think of for one It's like a timeshare Even if you don't want to go there you feel obligated to use it because you're just spending dough keeping it in good shape However, I've had lots and lots of conversations with gringos expats and lots of Latinos to who don't have a second home a beach house

[07:09] Or whatever, of course most all of them dream of having one, but they just don't seem to want to listen to my advice They only look at the advantages the bright side. They don't want to hear from someone who's seen the pitfalls again It reminds me so much of people who bought a boat or a yacht my suggestion You should really take this to heart have one or the other a city house or a beach house not both Because I'll tell you every single gringo expat at know who's got both has sat me down at one time or other and seriously said John I didn't never do it again. Sure. I like my beach house. I love my beach house But as crazy as this sounds you can get bored of going to that beach house On top of that many gringos with beach houses tell me they secretly worry a bit about that beach house when no one's there

[07:58] When it's unoccupied like one gringo put it. It's like having a teenage kid Everything's fine when he's in sight But when he takes off with his friends and he's out on the town in the back of your mind You're always a little bit anxious a little bit tense because you know in this world There are so many things that can go wrong. How about a real live boots on the ground example? Perfect case perfect example was my gringo buddy Jeffrey married to a Guatemala I remember maybe 10 years ago the first time he invited me to his beach house for the weekend now Of course, this guy had money So he had a beautiful house in Guatemala City and a nice beach house in Monte Rico about a hour and a half strive from Guatemala City So anyway, he invited me for the weekend. I pulled up in his driveway knocked on the door

[08:45] He happily greeted me with open arms and I handed him a little gift a nice gift wrap bottle of Johnny Walker black Because you know, that's what gringos do right you get invited to a house or a house party Especially if it's the first time you bring a little gift at least that's always been the custom in my family Anyway, that was Friday afternoon Well, we had a great time and when Sunday afternoon rolled around it was time to go back to the city But Jeffrey was staying on a couple more days with his wife So I put my little suitcase in the car sat down revved up the engine and as I was waving to he and his wife at the door He yelled wait a minute went back into his house came out with a paper bag Walked up to my window and handed it to me I put it on the car seat open it up and it was my bottle of booze

[09:31] Which we never got around to cracking open and drinking which almost often happens when you bring a gift of booze to someone's house Usually ends up in the closet for another day Anyway, I looked at him and I said what this is a gift I thought for a second, maybe they didn't drink whiskey, you know, some people don't I mean look they're not tea toddlers They were drinking wine and beer on Saturday, but still you don't hand back a gift. That's rude for a second I didn't know what to think well, Jeffrey walked around to the other side of the car got in the passenger seat He said listen, thanks a million for the gift of booze nice thought but I can't keep it He said the reason is complicated. But here's the gist of it. You see that little house on the property attached to the garage That's the little apartment my caretaker and his wife live in

[10:20] He said my gardener slash maintenance guys married to the cleaning lady slash cook you saw them both around the house He said and when I built this place I knew I'd need some kind of permanent caretaker So they've got their own little apartment over there next to the garage He said all the nice beach houses on this trip have a living caretaker because some people don't come visit their places for weeks or months He said to leave your beach house unattended for long periods of time is a lot of temptation So I heard a couple a married couple the wife's a fantastic loyal cook and cleaning lady and her husband Great gardener maintenance guy, but there's more to it than that One day he said early on when we first moved in we had a little catered grand opening party

[11:05] With some of my business friends and wives relatives from the city Was a saturday party and sunday everyone took off back to the city including us The wife and I came back the next week to enjoy the ocean and swim in the pool And sure enough. I noticed there was a bit of scum on the pool Went over to the pool pump house where i've got the filter and the pump and all the equipment Open the door All gone. No pump. No filter No, nothing cleaned out. I marched right over to the little apartment attached to my garage where the cleaning lady and maintenance guy lived The gardener the maintenance guy was sitting with his head hung low His wife suddenly blurting out sort of frantically that some thieves came over and stole the pump during the week But as it turns out that wasn't the whole story later on

[11:53] The cleaning lady spilled to jeffrey's wife that her husband was a drunk and that he got into the booze That was left over after the party then he disappeared for a couple of days. She went out looking for him Found him passed out drunk at some relative's house And when she finally got him sobered up and back to the beach house Someone had gotten in had stolen the pool pump and the filter equipment Luckily though they didn't get into the main house because he had bars on the windows and nice locks on the doors But outside the little pool shed was wide open So in the end jeffrey said we bring beer and booze to the house when we're having a party or something, but we never Leave any booze around once we leave. I said you mean you didn't fire him? He said well, of course I absolutely wanted to but the wife and I had a long discussion about that turns out if we fire him we'll lose her

[12:43] Automatic the worst part. He said it's a very small town, monty rico Everyone knows everyone else and they're all sort of related Second third fourth fifth cousins stuff like that and my wife warned me You remember she's guadamala if we fire him there'll be a lot of people mad at us So he said we're kind of stuck with that couple even though when the guy's drunk. He's very undependable It's an odd thing. He says we love her trust her completely, but him He's an untrustworthy drunk who does his job fine as long as he's sober So anyway that incident happened about 10 years ago and just about two years ago jeffrey had an untimely death He had pancreatic cancer He got sick and went real fast by the way Not that this has all that much to do with it, but jeffrey lived on diet soda

[13:31] I don't think I ever saw him without a can of it in his hand Or one sitting right next to him wherever he sat hmm living on all that artificial crap. I don't know Anyway a couple years ago. He died. I think he was 65 And I sort of lost track of his wife and his kid But while he was still alive I got invited there a number of times and he had the same cleaning lady and husband working for him And of course i'm wondering did she keep that beach house? Who knows she's got a kid in college now and if there's one thing entitled latino rich kids Just love is hanging out weekends and partying at their parents beach house Can you blame them wouldn't you the point is though now that you've heard that story about the drunken caretaker A guy you can't even fire or are afraid to fire because of the repercussions it might cause with friends and family in the neighborhood

[14:18] It's something people never consider when your dream is to have a house in the city and a beach house, too Oh, and that's not the only horror story i've heard from gringles who have both a house in the city and a beach house, too Again, I repeat. I don't believe it's a good idea at all To have two houses in latin america one is plenty live where you want to live live on the beach Live in the mountains live on the side of a volcano live next to a river Live in a residential tower or smack dab in a gated garden community right in the city homestead out in the booney, whatever But make that one place your one and only residence again It's just a tip but based on lots and lots of circumstantial evidence Oh, and don't get me started on timeshares Which brings us to an email from larry who's been living in panama for the last year. He says johnny

[15:07] I lived about four months in belize city Did the airbnb thing almost made it my permanent residence until I got robbed twice heard your podcast the other day About listeners who got robbed in airbnbs now. I did not get robbed directly in my airbnb But twice in the neighborhood on my way to and fro on a different subject. Johnny. He says You sometimes talk about iq's The million dollar question is how can you tell a person's iq by just looking at him? He says I know the topic would be completely politically incorrect if I had mentioned it a year or so ago But since trump got elected anything seems to be on the table now having lived in latin america for almost two years now Panama and belize i've developed a sort of

[15:54] rough and ready instant iq test how to gauge a person's basic iq in a flash By just a quick look at him I bet you'll agree with my basic working hypothesis johnny for example First iq indicator a person's iq is inversely proportional to the amount of bling They're wearing a person's iq is inversely proportional to the number of tattoos and piercings They have a person's iq is directly proportional to the distance of the waistband of his pants to the floor A person's iq is inversely proportional to the volume of the reggaeton or rap blasting out of his car windows And finally a person's iq is inversely proportional to the number of hours a day he spends on tiktok

[16:41] So johnny, what do you think? Hmm larry interesting hypothesis. I do agree that you are on the right track Though as with everything there are always glaring exceptions to the rule You might add this to your hypothesis a person's iq is directly proportional to the amount of chess They play in the amount of books they read speaking of book reading. I was listening to a podcast by a famous behavioral psychologist the other day He was talking about 21st century addictions specifically cell phone and social media addiction He says practically every gen y and zir Will deny that they're addicted to things like tiktok and instagram and social media in general But he says the behavioral psychologist says there's a real easy way to tell if someone's addicted to social media tiktok

[17:31] Whatever there's a little test they do in university psychology labs They ask a student or pam to go into a quiet room all alone and start reading the book That's on the table there you tell them there'll be a nice Monetary prize awarded up to a thousand dollars depending on the score. He receives regarding the contents of the book It's a one-hour test not enough time to read the whole book He says you don't tell him it's a test to see if they're addicted to social media You tell him it's a test for reading comprehension Meanwhile, the subject is sitting alone in a quiet room reading a book What the subject doesn't know is the psychologist is watching him with a hidden camera The psychologist says if within the first 10 minutes If that person who's supposed to be reading intently

[18:18] If that person checks his cell phone for any reason at all It's a definite signal. He's addicted to social media And the more frequently he checks his phone during that hour the more serious the addiction Hmm. I'm glad i'm too old to have grown up with a cell phone in my hand All right moving on. You know who just chimed in lately good old captain mango Where has he been? Well, we'll be checking in with him at the seminar. He'll be around He may even give us a little tour of the coffee plantation. He's living on and taking care of so we're looking forward to that Anyway, he did chime in about the podcast. I did just recently Regarding bikes in latin america, you know bicycles. Is it a good idea to have a bike? Is it safe to ride a bike in latin america? Well, he mentioned a couple of things I neglected to mention one being that there are bicycle clubs in latin america

[19:09] He's talking about specifically guadamala He's had some experience watching these guys on sundays in pretty big numbers sometimes in the hundreds Taking up entire lanes sometimes two lanes on big highways Crowding out all the regular traffic accompanied by and being escorted by expensive cars and suvs and the occasional cop car So what's that all about? Well, for some reason it seems middle and lower middle class people in latin america do not join bicycle clubs It seems to be a sunday and weekend sport for the upper classes and the wealthy I mean really how else can you get the cops to block off an entire lane for bike traffic when the roads aren't wide enough to handle the existing traffic jams Obviously the riders in these upscale bike clubs have some pool and as captain mangle points out

[19:55] It always makes the existing traffic even worse Oh, and you know those weekend bike club guys have lots of dough simply buy the expensive sporting outfits They wear and the high-end bikes they ride. Nope You won't see any of those hundred dollar made in india or mexico bikes only those high-end titanium and graphite jobs Yeah, there are bike riders in latin america who are riding five thousand dollar bikes Yep, that seems to be the profile of the weekend bike club guys all with their spiffy name brand fluorescent spandex sports outfits expensive watches designer sunglasses most all of them pretty fit too a lot of them gym rats But again since this is latin american, we're talking about people who live in a bubble It's mostly about putting on the show for the hoi polloi

[20:43] Oh, and by the way here and there throughout big latin american cities you'll see individual painted bike lanes on certain streets Almost always oddly enough in upscale areas Where you'll find upscale malls standalone starbucks stores costco, etc I could say a lot about that about those individual bike lanes oddly enough I've seen those things painted in many streets throughout latin america But I see almost no one with an actual bicycle use in them Not even those bike club guys who are only out mostly on sundays good and noble intentions Maybe but what's really happened is that idiot government planners who made the decision to install those things Have caused even more transit chaos Bikes don't use them but those idiot shit for brains

[21:28] Motorcyclists sure do so what those fools in the government planning division have really done is given those motorcycle riders A free pass to break even more transit laws They're not supposed to be in those bike lanes But man do they love using them again a very good reason why it's not a good idea to buy a bike in latin America because if you're thinking hey, i'll buy one and stick to the designated bike trail You're definitely going to get crowded out and lose the battle to those idiot motorcyclists I guess by now you can tell how much I hate latin american motorcyclists. I mean I really hate them They are just the shit slime of the transit world I wish nothing but ill will towards them and of course, I mean that in the kindest most christian sort of way Oh, and that reminds me sometimes we talk about crazy ass proper names you're running to here in latin america

[22:16] Well, it happened to me again. Just the other day. I rode an uber and my driver's name was get this Darwin you know as in charles darwin In fact at first I thought his parents may have named him darwin without knowing who darwin really was so I asked him I said darwin, huh? I like that name How'd your parents come up with that? He said charles darwin the famous evolution guy. I thought wow, very cool His parents actually put some thought into it. Someone was paying attention in biology class Then I said to him have you run into any other darwin's or are you the only one? He said far as I know only me and charles He said i'm 26 and I never met another darwin So I guess he's the lone ranger, which is pretty cool in itself Unless of course he names one of his kids darwin always a possibility

[23:05] All right moving on, you know a while back. I was talking about rummage sales here in latin america You know when I was living in the states, I loved going to rummage sales estate sales They call them right when someone kicked the bucket man. I loved going to those things That's how I stuck my tool shed got most of my great tools There was a fantastic one every sunday on the illinois state line called the seven mile fair And I know there are lots of gringos and expats down here in latin america Who feel the same way they love going to rummage sales lots of gringos and expats are antiques Man i'll tell you in the early days of this show. I was talking a lot About how you could find tons of antiques down here in latin america, man Lots of old spanish colonial furniture tucked away in old houses People just don't throw that stuff away You know the world and especially people under 40 are so used to that crappy press board or melamine ikea junk

[23:55] Some people have never seen or sat on a solid piece of old classic furniture in any event You rarely see latinos themselves hosting a rummage or estate sale I guess it's because they know you don't want to invite strange people into your house bad things can happen Yeah, bad things can happen if you have a rummage sale up in the states, too So down here in latin america rummage sales are generally a gringo expat thing You see them advertised occasionally on gringo expat fake book groups You're gonna find if you're living down here in latin america It's a very different scene the newspapers don't have a column in the classified that says rummage sales Like they do back in mawaki in cleveland, but if you're into hunting antiques, don't let that discourage you Because you see down here in latin america They've got lots and lots of used furniture stores. Yep in lieu of rummage and estate sales

[24:43] There are lots of little mom and pop used furniture stores with occasional gems to be found Oh and of course in the gringo tourist districts You'll find actual antique stores and you should have a look but my advice don't buy anything It's all been gringo priced overpriced if you ask me. I mean The only reason why people set up antique stores in gringoized areas is because they know gringos are into that stuff as for local latinos even wealthy local latinos I never met one yet who called himself an antique collector Sure, you'll walk through their houses and you'll find some furniture that looks like wow 100 maybe 200 years old We're talking about great pieces of inherited furniture though When you see an old classic spanish colonial home or mansion Look, you gotta stick with the style and latinos know that so

[25:31] You'll definitely not see ikea junk in a colonial mansion Oh, and of course many of the nicer three and four star hotels down here in latin america used to be old spanish colonial homes in the states remodeled and restored Stocked with choice pieces of spanish colonial furniture chandeliers pedestals fantastically carved marble Fireplaces and banisters ornate gardens fountains statues, etc And my advice has always been if you're looking for pure colonial antiques or even turn of last century stuff Victorian stuff art deco art nouveau. My suggestion is every time you're out in the boonies Keep your eyes up Seems to me the farther you drive out in the boonies the more likely you are to come across A little wooden stand or kiosk in front of an old farm

[26:18] Where some guy or gal usually an old guy or gal is selling off bits and pieces of old solid wood furniture Some of it absolutely spectacular probably not in great shape But if you're into restoring stuff man latin america is just filled with all kinds of beautiful stuff And again since latinos aren't much into maintenance and repair A lot of those old pieces of furniture will be diamonds in the rough. So you'll have to do some restoring and refinishing It's a great hobby too. If you've got the patience for it In fact, I know of one gringle who rented a one-bedroom furnished apartment in guatemala city I think he was paying something like 650 a month furnished now This was in the old historic district next to zone four Turns out the building was something like 100 years old and his furniture Remember it was all furnished was all made by hand in the 1920s and 30s

[27:05] Well, this gringle guy got the word that his landlord was going to sell the place gave him first shot at it Turns out his wife had cancer He needed the money. So the gringle bought the plate had the furniture the cabinetry, etc Reupholstered refinished and man i'm telling you the place looks fantastic. It's a gem. It's classic Had all the old gummy sticky varnish stripped down the bare wood And what was left after he had the stuff refinished? Wow, you have to see it to believe it You've been listening to the expat files living in latin america If you need some help with your own plan b we can schedule a one-on-one phone or skype consult Just send me an email the expat files at gmail.com And if you want to get on the waiting list for my next week-long expat insider seminar in central america

[27:51] Where you're guaranteed to get a two to five year head start on your plan b Send me an email the expat files at gmail.com