#1303 – The Expat Files: Cologne, Sweat, and Safety in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came out to play and now as I wonder Hello there all you ex-pad wannabes. I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started All right, let's get right to it first a couple of emails This one's from Carly says hi Johnny I recently spent a little time in Cartagena, Colombia and man was I blown away, but not in a good way It seems to be the trend of Colombian men in their 20 and 30s to bathe in their cologne to the point that you can

[00:51] Smell them coming two blocks away and six blocks after they left seems like the cologne of choice is called Eternity for men now, I happen to like that cologne he says in fact a bottle of it sits in my medicine cabinet But not anymore. I had a lifetime exposure to that scent Enough after sitting in the back of a Cartagena taxicab with faulty air conditioning Enough he says the only thing that took my mind off sweating profusely due to Cartagena's heat and humidity was the thought that I was about to get carsick from all that cologne the driver apparently bathed himself in and Johnny one thing I took note of during my adventures in Cartagena was that all the guys who doused themselves in cologne Seemed to be single as I didn't see a single one with a beautiful Colombian princess on his arm

[01:42] So what's the deal Johnny? Is this a Latino phenomena hormones gone astray or simply bad hygiene? signed Carl cologne All right, Carl. Thanks for that. You know I'd say about Three-quarters of a year to a year ago. I mentioned that very subject how Latinos like to douse themselves in cologne So much so that sometimes when you're in an elevator or a taxi your eyes all water and it seems You know the lower class the lower social economic status you have The more guys seem to douse themselves with this stuff and the cheap stuff to the fake stuff Most all-american guys out there I know by the legit colognes and if you go on Amazon just to check the prices you'll find the good stuff

[02:27] You know the real legit stuff the non-counterfeit stuff could cost you know 80 to 150 bucks for a three and a half ounce bottle That goes for a women's perfume and women's cologne to the good stuff. It's usually around a hundred bucks or so You know for the big bottle. I think it's three or three and a half ounces pretty standard anyway I Can assure you here and now Latino guys except the wealthier guys who can afford the real thing Absolutely do not buy the legit stuff. There's so much counterfeit stuff down here It's everywhere even guys walking down the street will come up to you try to sell you the stuff in fact It seems like every big market has a couple of counterfeit perfume and cologne stands. No one does a thing about it I mean the authorities no one cares and you know these days the Chinese do a great job at counterfeiting the bottles

[03:17] It's what's inside that counts though the packaging can look great, but what's inside fake? So then how can you tell the fake from the real well? It's by price and where you buy this stuff cuz you know legit clothing stores and perfume outlets are only gonna sell the real stuff The point is though what Latin American making three to four hundred bucks a month This is gonna buy a hundred dollar plus bottle of men's cologne Like I said the fastest majority of Latinos just won't unless you know they're in the higher economic brackets But oddly enough latinas of all socioeconomic brackets will buy the real thing I'm talking about latinas the ladies and their preferred choices because ladies know about that stuff much more than this guys do They know the cheap counterfeit stuff might smell similar, but it's only gonna last a half an hour instead of four five six hour

[04:07] That seems to be the major problem with the counterfeit junk. It's fleeting. It just doesn't last Ladies know that all too well and guys well We're sort of simple and stupid and don't get it for us when it comes to cologne. It's all about the price Oh, and isn't it funny if you ask your girlfriend what kind of cologne she wants you to wear She'll always pick something. That's really expensive How come it it always works out that way, but back to the original point why when you get into a taxi are you often? Overpowered with the sting of a certain few very recognizable types of cologne What makes it worse is in lieu of just dabbing on the real thing at a hundred bucks a crack most guys will buy the cheap stuff for 15 or 20 bucks a bottle and just pour it on and

[04:52] All through the day and night keep pouring it on Until the inside of the cab itself without the guy even being in it reeks of the counterfeit smell Oh, and by the way, the other thing is it's really hot here in most of Latin America, right except in the Altiplano But oddly enough you don't see the locals drenched in sweat I've noticed the locals hardly sweat at all almost nary a ring around the armpit unless of course someone's doing Backbreaking construction work directly in the Sun now gringles and expats on the other hand We're not used to such heat. So when we first get down here We can absolutely sweat like pigs Except of course if you're in the Altiplano where it's always spring like weather, which is one of the main reasons We love the Altiplano so much It's just so damn comfortable except of course if you're standing directly out in the Sun

[05:40] That's one thing you have to realize since you're up about 5,000 or 6,000 feet above sea level the air is thinner up there That means less atmosphere for the Sun is raised to penetrate. So During the day anyway, the Sun's rays aren't just a little warm Welcoming and comforting though. They can fool you that way. They're pretty dangerous in actuality The thing is because the air is cool and spring like and sometimes a little breezy You could stand out in the Sun and not realize you're getting fried But still no sweat Meanwhile though on the rest of Latin America, you know 95% of Latin America is Hot human and often quite sweat inducing at least for gringles and expats again One of the first thing I noticed when I came down is that the locals do not sweat up a storm

[06:27] Some of them don't sweat at all and you wonder while you're sweating away. How's that happen? By the way, if you live down here in Latin America, and you're not in the Altiplano You're in the coastal regions or at low altitudes The question is you ever get used to the heat and the humidity do you acclimate do you sweat less? Well, I've certainly found that's true, but it takes years In fact one gringo expat I know was complaining about that very thing. Just recently. He said, you know, Johnny By the way, he lives in Honduras. He said, you know when I first came down here I was sweating up a storm sometimes to the point of embarrassment. But now after a couple of years, I Realized it's gotten a lot better One problem though He says I don't sweat through my shirt my chest back and armpits like I used to do when I first came down

[07:14] Which is good and a relief. My body must have acclimated though. I have a problem. He says with ass sweat He said I could be sitting outside on somebody's porch in the shade perfectly comfortable No sweat on my forehead or my shirt or my back or my chest But when I get up from my chair after sitting a while there could very well be a telltale Sweat mark a couple of cheek circles on my ass bleeding right through my pants. It's so embarrassing In fact, he says I have a pat answer for it He says if someone notices I say I sat in some water which is bullshit But better than telling him I have an ass sweat problem And I know he said it's from the heat that's being trapped between my ass my pants in the chair He told me his ass doesn't sweat when he's up and walking around

[08:03] Only when he's been sitting in the chair for a while. Of course, if he was living in the Altiplano He wouldn't have that problem at all He lives on the coast where it's hot and humid practically all the time and get this he said, you know I hardly ever talk about this it's too embarrassing and that's why he said to me if you notice I always wear dark pants Now, you know, that's not something people like to talk about in public But people ask me all kinds of questions and he said Johnny you've been down here in Latin America a long long time You must know some people with this problem. Do you know of any remedy at all? He said for me a frequent change of clothes or even using an antiperspirin on my butt cheeks Which I've tried and doesn't seem to work. So well, he says that's been my routine He says but it's like a band-aid. It doesn't really solve the problem

[08:48] By the way, this guy's a skinny guy not your usual Overweight or obese American which can contribute to and compound that kind of problem So he asked me if I had any advice for him and I said, you know, there's this thing called Iontophoresis ever hear of it. Iontophoresis I actually had a girlfriend with an armpit sweat problem. At least she said she had and Apparently at some of the high-end aesthetic clinics throughout the world in Latin America, too They have Iontophoretic machines that will completely eliminate that problem I'm sure you know some people who have really sweaty hands or sweaty feet or Axillary areas armpits, you know who've had that Iontophoresis treatment and they say it works Basically, it's a couple of electrodes placed in the areas of excessive sweat and after a few treatments

[09:38] The sweat glands sort of shut down However, when I offered up that suggestion to my gringo buddy said are you kidding? You think I'm gonna walk into an aesthetic clinic in front of all those ladies in there pull down my pants and exhibit my symptoms What are you nuts? I'll suffer with the ass sweats before I'll ever do that I said hey you wanted my advice. Well, there it is. Oh And by the way, it did work quite well for my ex-girlfriend She was very happy with the results said it didn't hurt a bit either Just a little tingle of electricity once in a while But back to the point Carl made about Latinos dousing themselves with cologne Oh, and as Carl mentioned the problem seems to be most severe when you get into an uber or a taxi The question is which would you rather be overcome by a blast of intense cologne or a blast of intense?

[10:29] Hellatosis because you see it seems to me There's a direct correlation between the amount of cologne a taxi driver uses and his oral hygiene makes sense though And Carl's other point also makes a lot of sense That is most guys douse in the stuff don't seem to be accompanied by a beautiful Latina Or even an ugly or homely one for that matter Oh, and by the way another thing that kind of drives me nuts when I take an uber or taxi in Latin America Doesn't matter if it's perfect spring weather in the altipliner where you're at the coast where it's a hundred degrees Whatever taxi you're riding better have the air conditioning working Because either way the Sun's gonna bake your cars The Sun's gonna come through the windows and heat up the seats Especially the problem is though there's a good percentage of taxis

[11:15] Maybe one out of four even that don't use the air conditioning because either doesn't work It's broken or the drivers figured out when you have the AC running the motor uses a little more fuel That's obvious though because you know an air conditioner has a compressor run by a fan belt on the motor So as you turn on the air conditioner The compressor kicks in puts a drag on the motor and that uses just a little more gas or fuel All the while you're using the AC Which is why a lot of times when you get into a taxi It'll be steaming hot or the guy will have his windows down You know instead of running the AC and thus using a little more fuel in the process Nothing's for nothing right unless of course you work for government or around welfare hmm used to be a scarlet letter when I was a kid

[12:00] Now it's something to brag about But I digress anyway in fact I can't tell you how many times I've gotten into a taxi and told a guy turn on the air conditioner, please I mean instantly which often doesn't help because the seats are hot from the Sun beating on them all day anyway Just keep an eye out for that Though getting into taxi in Latin America does seem to be probably the only valid case I can think of for wearing a mask. All right moving on. Let's take an email from mr. GB He says hi Johnny longtime listener. Love your show He says Johnny. Here's my long story made short as follows I'm almost divorced after a marriage of 32 years and I'm being pretty much cleaned out financially and cleaned out of all my personal stuff, too He says it's something you take very hard since so much of your life's work and time is invested in getting ahead and in your family and

[12:53] In being a good provider and then you get repaid for all those years of good intent by getting taken to the cleaners You get over it though. I'm over it. He says I think at least that's what I tell myself He says however things have turned 180 degrees to the better and I'm dating and planning to marry a Peruvian gal Who is wonderful in every way and every sense of the word? She's the best She's been in this country about 20 years a plan B is just another Residence in Latin America to her so we're formulating ideas now He says my Peruvian lady has owned land and properties in Peru and in the Altiplano in Guatemala So we have a nice leg up on the situation The question I have for you though is Johnny. What do you know about Honduras?

[13:43] Some land and very inexpensive properties were made known to us by her friends and now that's got us thinking about Honduras So basically, I'm wondering is Honduras a crapple lawless unstable cartel type country or a country looking up and on the mend and Johnny my friend. I'm sorry in advance But it's plain old water heater when you're talking about such things not hot water heater The latter is redundant Anyway Johnny keep up the good work do more of the technical stuff on your show if you can he says Because I too am an engineer Thanks for everything Johnny Signed mr. GB All right, thanks for that mr. GB and you know, you're absolutely right about that hot water heater thing

[14:33] Never thought about it. Yes, it is redundant Though I suppose more accurately you could call it a cold water heater Because you wouldn't want to heat the water up if it's already hot right, but that's all relative according to mr. Einstein What's hot to some is cold to others and vice versa though to be absolutely woke and PC about it You could say the water in a heater is Trans, you know transitioning Identifying as hot or cold or by or in between as the case may be However, as far as Honduras is concerned. I've been there many times even lived in Roatan Honduras for a while Now as far as places in Honduras, I could feel comfortably living in and recommend it There are only really three areas one is Roatan Honduras, but its first rule expensive and loaded with tourists though

[15:23] If you like island living in scuba diving because that's a big thing there It could be a great place, but it ain't cheap Also, the coastal area a little bit north on the mainland called tell a little town called tella But that's the district area. That's a nice laid-back scenic area safe, too And also there's that little town of Copan right at the Guatemala border. They've got a great little Mayan City of ruins there. Anyway, it's right outside a beautiful little laid-back town called Copan Co p a n which is actually somewhat in the Altiplano to a couple of thousand feet in elevation Anyway, very scenic beautiful country. The climate there is much nicer than on the coast or in the lowlands However, I'd recommend staying away from most of the large and medium sized cities like San Pedro Sula and Tagusi Gompa

[16:15] Let's say by and others because there's lots of crime extortion and it's pretty lawless Which is why the president of the country has had many ongoing meetings with buccalé from El Salvador and buccalé's police and security team Seems everyone wants to do what buccalé is done in El Salvador But no one wants to go so far as to pull the trigger because you see Honduras has a big gang problem A lot of drugs flowing through the country time will tell they're talking about adopting buccalé's methods But Latin American countries like Mexico have found out you can't go after the gangs with words hugs or half-assed The only thing that works is what's called Mano Dura. That's the hard hand or hard fist buccalé has certainly proved that hypothesis and as much as every Latin American country wants to adopt buccalé's methods

[17:05] They've all had their secret and not so secret meetings with him and his staff But even so so far up to this point. Anyway, none of them have gone all in time will tell though So again as for gringles and expects living in Honduras are only three areas I'd consider living that is having a plan B in myself though things change rapidly. I'll keep you posted though All of that's not definitive that's not to say you couldn't live in a nice gated guarded community in any one of the big cities in Honduras a Lot depends on your temperament Of course, you don't want to be isolated in a gated guarded community You know matter how nice it is you want to get out and about there are times when you have to get out and about and that's Okay, if you're an intelligent wisened up adult, but if you're like, mr GB getting into a new relationship and and possibly getting in the family way

[17:55] I don't think I'd want to pick a medium or large city in Honduras to settle down in now There was two cities on the mainland Tela and Copan. They're small towns a different kind of living altogether Just fine, maybe even perfect if you want to laid back mellow existence But if you like the hustle and bustle of city living, I'm not big on Honduras All right moving on now an email with a comment on a recent previous show where I was talking about That little incident in Medellin Colombia where my friend narrowly escaped an incident Where a no-good nick in a delivery motorcycle tried to trick him and dose him with some scopolamine powder in broad daylight With the intent of stealing his Honda CRV in the end. It didn't work. It wasn't a successful robbery

[18:42] You'd know that if you listen to that show Anyway, I got a few frustrated and pissed off email replies on that one like this one from mr Road gig. He says damn it Johnny. Why didn't someone run the motorcycle guy down with their car? Such an unsatisfying ending to that story You'd like to see justice done, but it wasn't the guy missed with the scopolamine powder and got away I had a chased him down. He says All right. I got in that Honda CRV and run him over and then beat the crap out of him with a baseball bat What would the police do in that case since you have proof he had the powder? That's a serious crime drugging someone unconscious Hey, you're absolutely right. Mr. Road gig I would have liked to have seen a nice dose of revenge myself

[19:27] But things like that happened so fast probably all went down in less than a minute By then this scumbag on the motorcycle seeing his tactic didn't work was off and away The gringo that owned the car he was trying to steal that Honda CRV He knew the guy tried to drug him He would have loved to taken off after the guy But he knew he had to sit and wait a while to make sure he didn't get dosed enough to get Disoriented or end up unconscious. He did the right thing He didn't want to take that chance that wouldn't have worked out too Well if he went off after the motorcycle in his car and suddenly felt out of sorts and had to pull over or crash the thing So he did the right thing by sitting it out for 20 minutes or so to make sure he wasn't dosed Oh, and if he would have gotten into his car and gone after the motorcycle delinquent Remember here in Latin America motorcyclists go the wrong way down one-way streets. They go up on sidewalks take alleys

[20:18] They'll drive on lawns and through backyards up and down curbs and embankments They go places a car or especially an SUV could never go. So chances are slim. The bad guy would have got his comeuppance Alright now an email from Jay Harris. He says Johnny as a middle-aged 50-something person I've found there are four very difficult things in life. Number one Admitting you're wrong. Number two asking for help number three breaking up with someone you've stayed with for too long out of convenience or habit and Number four which addresses something you talk about on your show once in a while and I totally agree with Admitting you can't stand today's music in public company Mr. Harris says how many times have you walked into a party a wedding or a restaurant and you were anticipating a good time

[21:12] But from the get-go or even from the street as you were approaching the place the music just telegraphs the shittiness or Mediocrity of the event you're about to attend and then you go in sit down Suffer from the noise pollution the whole time and don't say a thing about it Because if you do you'll just be labeled as some crotchety old boomer or Gen X her You know Johnny by rights if people had any kind of balls if you went to an event like that At least someone should stand up and say Enough of this crap. You know what? I'm leaving this ain't music. It's shit He says I'd love to see that happen just once and if someone did it I'd second that emotion All right me Johnny here. You see that's the problem. Mr. Harris would second that emotion

[22:01] I get the reference. He wouldn't be first to have the balls to stand up Yep I've been to lots and lots of events here in Latin America that I just didn't enjoy to the fullest because of music Grated on me and just like bars restaurants and discos It's always too loud But I guess these days when people who go to events are always on their phones anyway, they don't care People talk less and less face-to-face So it doesn't matter how shitty or loud or twisted the music is since none of that seems to interfere with what people are Doing on their phones, right? Man, I must really sound old, huh? Funny thing too, huh coming from a guy like me who was used to high-volume rock-and-roll gigs for years and years But then again things were different the stuff I was playing fulfilled the actual definition of real music

[22:47] Just saying oh and how about this email comes from a guy named Roger? He entitles it Why does the US government treat its expats so badly? He starts out by saying several months ago. I attended Japan day fair at the City Museum in Quito, Ecuador he says I was talking for a while to one of the Japanese Ecuadorian vendors and He told me about all the support the Japanese government offers its citizens who are living overseas He explained that Japan considers its expats ambassadors for Japanese culture overseas and the countries they live There is a government office that works with the Japanese Embassy in Quito, Ecuador To make sure expats have the support they need in such issues as travel visas, health care and legal services

[23:37] And get this Johnny if you're Japanese, you can even get an emergency loan from the Japanese government at the embassy He also told me he is not taxed on any income earned in Ecuador Or anywhere else in the world and has no financial reporting requirements to Japan or Japan's tax authorities at all Once a year though, he files a short online form reporting that he's still living overseas and doing well That's it. No more That conversation led me to the question. Why does the U.S. government treat its expats so badly? The U.S. is one of only two countries in the world that taxes its citizens on income earned overseas Whereas the other one, Itria, a tiny little country in East Africa, charges a flat 2 percent fee on income earned abroad

[24:27] The U.S. rate for taxing citizens income overseas can be up to 40 percent He says yes, I know there are ways around this requirement But the paperwork and accounting costs makes it impractical for most U.S. citizens who are foreign residents It bothers me he says instead of filing a report that we are doing fine We are required to report on how much money we have in our overseas bank accounts Even if it's only ten thousand dollars We've got to file and fill out forms and our overseas bank is required by the U.S. government To report all this stuff to the U.S. IRS and Treasury Department However, what really bothers me is the attitude in the U.S. that we are somehow traders to our country for leaving And people who are now on lists and should be regarded with high suspicion

[25:14] This was reflected when two congressmen proposed legislation to strip us of our voting rights Put us on special overseas person lists and require us to provide Detailed explanations of why we choose to live in another country And in 2019 there was even a proposal by congress to take away our full citizenship Putting us instead in the category of conditional citizen He says thankfully although those proposals did not become law Nevertheless, there are congressmen out there who'd like to put the clamps down on us However, they do enjoy quite a bit of minority support From diverse politicians such as ted cruz and chuck schumer Oh, and did you know that until a few years back

[26:00] U.S. citizens residing abroad could not be employed by U.S. embassies because of a so-called perceived security threat and possible double allegiance For example when France established a social benefits system in the mid-50s U.S. citizens who benefited from it were considered to be paid by a foreign country And thus perceived by the U.S. as a possible security threat as having double allegiance to both the U.S. and France So i'm asking why such a mean-spirited attitude by the U.S. government towards expats in my opinion He says it's the grassroots ignorance of most U.S. citizens about the rest of the world This ignorance which turns quickly to suspicion is reflected by the country's politicians many of whom know better

[26:47] But have to engage in demagoguery to get elected And judging from the current U.S. political cycle There appears to be no sign of this ignorance abating in any way or anytime soon All right, me johnny here I've always said the U.S. government treats us expats as stray cows who've left the barn We need to be monitored and kept track of so when the day comes they can milk us or shear us like sheep Which begs that age-old question. How's your plan be coming? Oh and remember if you want to get a two to five year head start on a fast track to your plan b Just sign up for my march 2024 expat insider seminar for all the info agenda and sign up details go to expat plan b.com and click on the seminar link

[27:34] You've been listening to the expat files living in latin america If you need some help with your own plan b we can schedule a one-on-one phone or skype consult Just send me an email the expat files at gmail dot com And if you want to get on the waiting list for my next week long expat insider seminar in central america Where you're guaranteed to get a two to five year head start on your plan b Send me an email the expat files at gmail.com