#1262 – Expat Life in Latin America: Navigating Behaviors, Malls, and Stereotypes

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came up to play and now as I wonder Hello there all you expat wannabes. I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started Alright, how about a couple of boots on the ground stories? I know you're always up for one or two of those But first I want to read a couple of responses to what I said a couple of shows to go about How certain habits of certain expats? I know down here drive me nuts. And so I try to avoid those guys

[00:48] I'm sure you've got friends and ex-friends and relatives like that, too You know people you used to tolerate but as you get older you find you don't need those people anymore Well, you know after I mentioned that on the show, I've got some emails naturally in response Some people said I was a jerk and way too picky could be However, most people didn't throw daggers at me They were talking about their own situations their own dislikes and things that drive them nuts Like the American lady who wrote to say she can't stand the way her husband chooses food Among other things but as she points out she's on her third husband and therefore cuts him a lot of slack She doesn't want to go through that mess again just because the guy eats like a pig you can't have it all right Well, you can come close even so most of the emails were legit like this one from Josh. He says hey Johnny

[01:38] I've got male friends and relatives who get on my nerves and drive me nuts to want to know my pet thieves Well, even if you don't here they are Let me start with the worst guy friends who are only able to talk about sports and almost nothing else There have been times I remember where a guy will come up to me and talk about some game and when I say Please no more don't bother. I don't follow sports and after that they have almost no idea what to do They're kind of at a loss. They've got nothing but sports and maybe sex percolating in their brains Oh, and by the way when guys show me pictures of their wives or kids or girlfriends or these days at my age Grandkids, oh, they're so proud of their good-looking genius grandkids They used to say that about their kids until they realized they were douchebags and now it's grandkids man

[02:27] There's nothing more boring than that And when they whip out the phone and start showing you those grandkids and kids you're stuck The question is how do you get out of it? It truly is painful I'd rather get a root canal or a covid shot. Well, not quite. However, I do have a defense mechanism I get them one better I go into my smartphone pull up the gallery and show them a picture of me on a giant cruise ship a picture of me next to the Eiffel Tower a picture of me next to the Great Pyramids a picture of me on top the Great Wall of China a picture of me at Machu Picchu and I tell him you know how I was able to afford all that No kids the looks I get from people when I pull that stuff on priceless though. Occasionally someone will have a comeback They'll say something snotty like that's all fine and good

[03:13] But who's gonna take care of you when you get old and I tell him an expensive live-in nurse in a very tight outfit That generally caps off the conversation nicely But back to boring guys who talk about nothing but sports He says there's nothing worse than a fat middle-aged dude wearing an expensive jersey with some other guy's name on it It's even worse at playoff times when their team wins some kind of key game He says I got a brother-in-law like that who will say things like hey, bro. Did you see the Red Sox game last night? We did it. We beat him Hmm really Johnny. Is there anything more stupid than that? We beat him. All right, of course my potbellied brother-in-law with his arthritic knees was the key factor in that success

[04:01] Yeah, we beat him. We sure did Alright for Joe's next pet peeve. He says his short men with Napoleon complexes He says Johnny. Do you have any friends like that? It really shows when they try to give you the grip of death during a handshake How annoying is that trying to make someone wince with a handshake is not demonstrating that you're a man. It demonstrates you're an asshole Joe says the other pet peeve he has his guys who make sure you know the price of everything in their life The cost of their car their clothes their house their watches the restaurants they go to their vacations, etc In fact, he says one of my friends who is less and less a friend now Carries around pictures of his house in Florida that his ex-wife got in their divorce

[04:48] Just to have bragging rights to what he used to have how pathetic is that? Good one Joe then Joe says Another pet peeve I have about my guy friends is the ones that always talk about the cool stuff They used to have as well as the hot girls they used to go out with in high school and college I can't stand what a bunch of couch potatoes Way past their prime who always seemed to bring up their ancient high school or college glory days Like we really care now. We didn't give a shit back then worse yet Those stories keep getting embellished year-over-year that includes guy friends who set up trophy rooms in their basements With dusty little golf and bowling trophies is some of them cheap plastic not even metal that don't mean dick to anyone else in the world Stuff that was dumpster-worthy it back in the 80s. Think about the guy's poor wife

[05:37] After all, she's the one that won't have them in any regular room in the house only the basement Then Joe says I can't stomach guys that say bro at the beginning middle and end of every sense or guys that Repeatedly use the word epic or game-changer or dude or bro or dog or homie or yo Every time you run into them and of course Johnny. I'm with you on banning the a word the awesome word All right me Johnny here with my two centavos. I'm with you on most of that stuff Joe funny How the word cool COOL has always been well cool Have you noticed it never quite seems to go out of style even when it's almost on the verge of well being uncool It's still hanging in there after all these years

[06:22] Ain't that cool then Joe says Johnny there are so many gross things about guys That ladies would absolutely freak out about if they only knew like the number of guys who never wash their hands before or after going to the John or After a butt scratch or untangling your boys. Oh, and one last thing Johnny. I really believe it was a much better world Pertaining to the following case when two guys had a disagreement that just could not be settled verbally They could just walk out in the parking lot and beat the hell out of each other And when the dust settled win or lose they'd have a drink laugh about it and become new best friends Can't do that anymore They'd both be in jail get a big fine get forced into counseling and be placed on anti-psychotic meds the rest of their lives

[07:09] All right. Thanks for that Joe. You're spot-on with a number of those things and you're absolutely right I do not want to see the house some guy's wife got in the divorce not interested You know, it's a funny thing about sports and my family the male members are absolutely nuts about it They'll spend family get-togethers watching and talking about sports the entire time Now as for me, it's not that I don't like professional sports I collected baseball cards went to Braves and Cubs and Packers and Bears games up through high school That's when I completely gave up listening and paying attention to professional sports You see something happened in the whole sports world during my high school years When I was growing up prior to age 18 all the big sports heroes like Hank Aaron Willie Mays Don Drysdale

[07:57] Billy Williams Warren spawn Don rise Dale names that have been completely forgotten already Anyway way back when those sports heroes would spend their entire career on one team 1020 even 25 years and then with their playing days over they'd become coaches of the very same team They played on wasn't about money back then it was team Loyalty was the same guys all the time on the same teams until they aged out or crippled out then suddenly little by little the big money came and Team loyalty went into the crapper. It was all about the money all about the money So I decided right there in high school that I wasn't gonna root for any team that could be bought and paid for and that's What teams have been since then completely bought and paid for whatever team has the most money to spend gets the best players

[08:43] That's the way it is wasn't like that when I was a kid No, I can see if you live in New York Boston Chicago LA whatever as a spectator You're gonna have some natural loyalty to the home team, but it's not Anyway, like having loyalty to your high school teams or your college team money and buying the best players has absolutely nothing to do with that So anyway for years now that's been my defense for not paying attention to professional sports However, I do admire one-on-one professional sports like tennis golf boxing, etc Because it's one person against everyone else It's not like team sports at all where money can buy the whole team and in some cases the team members don't even like each other They don't even like the city. They're playing for come on Do you think the Milwaukee Bucks players like living in Milwaukee?

[09:31] Don't you think they'd much much rather be in a place where the action is like LA Chicago, New York, Miami? You know, I'm certain they're just wearing the same colored uniforms and jerseys because of the money the deals and the contracts They signed but you knew that already, right? All right. Here's today's first boots on the ground story You know, I always wonder why they refer to it as boots on the ground sounds so military You know like American troops have landed. Why not sandals or Nike's or Puma's or penny loafers on the ground Mmm, I guess on second thought boots on the ground really does work Anyway, just this last weekend. I was in a middle-level mall, you know here in Latin America There are three kinds of shopping malls. Well, maybe more but I break them down to three You've got your basic mall that regular average and below average Latin American shop at

[10:21] You walk in they're usually a little bit old kind of shabby rough around the edges Just loaded with cut-rate clothing stores with sale signs and posters everywhere Oftentimes the stores themselves will have card tables or some kind of table set up outside in front of the store Write down the mall causeways where you walk just loaded with shoes and clothing and items on sale The thing is they won't let you get away with that in a medium or high-end mall. They're more orderly They've got more rules and regs Though a medium or high-end mall might have a special day for that once a week or once a month Whereas for low-end malls merchandise kind of bursting through the door out into the walkway is sort of the norm Now don't get me wrong by all means do shop at the low-end malls. That's where you get the best deals

[11:07] I go there all the time For example right downtown in Guatemala City They've got a big low-end mall in zone 10 one of the first malls I had ever been into in Guatemala It's perfectly safe and fun to shop and it's called Los Prosseris Mall Los Prosseris Mall the thing is in Latin America You could tell right away what a mall is like depending on what kind of cars you see in the parking lot a lot of junction beaters Well, it's a low-end mall The thing is though most people that frequent low-end malls don't even own cars or motorcycles They're coming in on chicken buses Which is also a very good way to determine what kind of mall it is If there's a big-ass chicken bus stop in front of it and people are filing in and out by the hundreds Well, you get the picture by the way, don't be afraid to go into any mall in Latin America. They're all safe inside

[11:54] Even the ones in real crap neighborhoods are totally safe once you're inside by the way that Los Prosseris mall I'm talking about is in zone 10 is in one of the safest zones in Guatemala City And I think the reason why it is a low-class mall now in a high-rent high-class neighborhood Is because it was one of the very first malls in Guatemala So in effect it started out as a high-end mall. Well, maybe the only mall Then years later as newer more classier malls started getting built around the area the middle and upper middle classes Who are very class-conscious in Latin America? Shifted their allegiance They began to think it was beneath them to go to that mall because that's where the common people shop Turns out the upper middle and wealthy classes in Central America

[12:41] Don't mind being shoulder-to-shoulder with indigenous people in the shopping mall as long as those people are working there not shopping there I know I know it sounds terrible, but that's the state of things here in Latin America It's a place of extreme Classism and racism though not white against black because there are very few black people down here very few white Caucasians, too Turns out there's a heavy-duty amount of classism between upscaled usually lighter-skinned Latinos and the shorter usually darker Indigenous people who basically are the real motors of the society They do all the grunt work and all the agricultural work to just ask good old Captain Mango He runs a coffee plantation down here And if I remember correctly every last one of his employees his troops as he calls him is an indigenous guy

[13:27] Oh, and it doesn't need to be said but Captain Mango is a real straight shooter Except done tequila Tuesdays then he can't shoot for shit and because over the years he's hired so many indigenous people and he Lives out in the boonies on the coffee plantation himself so many of his neighbors are indigenous people, too Not to mention quite a few of his buddies are indigenous guys in fact He's one of the few expat Gringos I know who has indigenous friends because mostly the indigenous people keep to themselves. They don't have many gringo or Latino friends Mostly because Latinos avoid hanging with them It's sort of odd as a matter of fact I don't know of any Latinos who have real bonafide indigenous friends have been at many many Latino parties Christmas parties anniversaries can say annual parties the works and I've only seen indigenous people working cooking serving at those parties

[14:19] Somehow they don't get invited as guests So back to the shopping mall thing I said there are three kinds of shopping malls a low-end malls for the common people a Little chaotic and rough around the edges with lots of deals like that Las prasas mall Then there's the more middle and upper middle class malls Like one of the newer ones in Guatemala City also located in wealthier zone 10 by the way Only about six or eight blocks from Las prasas mall the low-end mall that newer middle and upper middle class mall is called Oakland mall Oakland mall talk about a gringo wannabe name, huh Oakland mall There are no oaks in Latin America Sorry to say the nearest oaks about 2,000 miles away, but there's an Oakland mall And it is a much higher end mall kind of like every mall you see in the United States

[15:08] It's as if they cloned one in Cleveland and brought it down to zone 10 in Guatemala So compared to Las prasas mall more organized better details better parking nicer bigger cleaner elevators nicer cleaner More organized food court better dressed people nicer cars in the parking lot, but not many deals And because of that because it's slightly upper scale on weekends a food court is jam-packed People come often with their kids don't buy anything just window shop and then hang out at the food court You could tell by strolling through the food court. There's a lot of high school and college dating going on, too It's the dating hangout So you have young adults and teenagers even dressing up to go to that mall and hang out at the food court Of course in middle and upper middle class Latin American malls They've got all the first world franchises you're used to like forever 21 instead of various

[15:58] TGIF and Starbucks dozens more too now just a couple of blocks away from that is a very high-end mall Called font the Bella Mall nice classy French name. Don't you think though? I've never met a French person in Guatemala ever Anyway, some of the cars in the parking lot are spectacular. Of course, they've got the usual Mercedes and now it is Mixed in with the occasional lotus Maserati or Porsche with the occasional Lexus and Tesla thrown in and of course the mandatory Electric car charging station that no one uses. Oh And one more thing you'll see bodyguards and dark suits walking around those halls, too It's pretty pathetic when you think about it You're waltz around the place and you see all the perfectly made up wealthy and want to be wealthy people Just hanging out with their perfect fingernails and hair showing off the fact they've got real gold and diamond jewelry

[16:48] Well, probably anyway with a real Rolex thrown in here and there, too Then again, I wouldn't know the difference But it is show-and-tell at every high-end mall in Latin America So wealthy ladies do have a place that can wear their real jewelry. Why not? You wouldn't want to be walking around the streets with that stuff But at font a Bella Mall, it's perfectly fine because it's the place to be the place to be noticed Oh and do note there are no deals to be had in that mall But there are some very nice good and high-end restaurants there funny thing, too It's a mall without a food court. I was told by a local architect They planned it that way keeps out the riffraff for that would just come and hang out there all day. Yep font a Bella Mall I recommend you visit her at least once it's a trip I'll have you know, I never shop there though

[17:35] I've been there a few times for meetings and such funny thing, too When someone wants to impress you a bit someone who wants to sell you some who's got a business proposition Oftentimes they'll set up the first meeting not at McDonald's or Starbucks But at font a Bella Mall always makes me a little leery. It's way too obvious They're trying to put on the dog for you I'll tell you man There's no one who hangs out in that place guy or gal who isn't either a high roller very high maintenance or probably both In fact expat Eddie put it nicely He said if a gringa from the States comes down to Latin America and looking for a wealthy Latino boyfriend All she'd have to do is put on her best Nike jogging duds and a pair of yoga pants Then start coffee clutching and window shopping at font a Bella Mall in no time She'll get hit on by a rich guy or two or ten

[18:23] Remember Latinos love gringas. It's every Latino guys secret even not so secret fantasy So gringas expect gringas why settle for a poor one? Remember what your mother told you? It's just as easy to find a rich guy than a poor one At least that's what my mom told my sisters. I Know I know what you're thinking. Whatever happened to that boots on the ground story. I promise Well, I'm getting to that. In fact a couple days ago I was in one of those medium style malls like Oakland Mall was a Saturday around 1 o'clock in the afternoon and out on The main walkway the center area. There was an event going on They had a big stage platform set up and some ladies dancing in yoga pants It was a Zumba class about 50 young ladies dancing and two professional instructors two ladies leading the charge

[19:11] Well, it just so happened right alongside the stage. There was a nice coffee shop I sat down in the only table available Of course, there were tables inside the coffee shop and some outside on the walkway Right next to where the Zumba dance thing was going on In fact, there were tables all over the place probably 30 of them with people sitting down watching the ladies doing their Zumba I was lucky enough to sit at the last available table. Now right next time my table There was a table with four chairs But no people sitting there only a big notebook flipped open and me curious me looked over at the notebook It had all kinds of writing and annotations in it very meticulous writing I mean almost perfect calligraphy very precise plus some of the words and phrases had been highlighted with a colored marker

[19:58] I can tell you this and all my years down here in Latin America was the most organized notebook I've ever seen Now I know this is gonna sound judgmental not too cool The first thing that went through my mind was that the notebook could not be a Latinos or Latinas They're just not that organized or meticulous. No way Though I could be wrong. So anyway, I ordered a coffee and a plain croissant and about 10 minutes later a handsome Antonio banderes style Latino walked up to that table and sat down not in front of the notebook, but on another chair Yes, he really did look like Antonio banderes only the old Antonio banderes when he was handsome and fit and everything not the withered anorexic looking banderes you see today

[20:43] God what happened to that guy? Anyway, this guy I guess he must have been 35 or 40 was dressed to the hilt classy. I didn't bother to say anything to the guy. I just got back to my coffee I moved my chair out of his line of sight so I could see what was happening with the Zumba girls Thank God they were playing salsa not ragathon or I had a golf mic coffee and been out of there in a split second I'd have been out of there. No matter how many girls in yoga pants were wiggling their butts in front of me Anyway soon enough out of the corner of my eye. I saw a lady sit down in that chair right next to that notebook She was a gringa. I was right. So I slid my chair over and said to her, you know, I had a bet going with myself I saw your notebook and how extremely well organized it was. I said to myself man This cannot be a Latinas or Latinos notebook. I've never seen one that organized and she laughed. She said no

[21:33] I'm from Indianapolis, I think she said she'd been living down here in Latin America for five or six years now She also said she's very organized because she's an engineer Manufacturing engineer, you know, they designed and set up processing plants and factory manufacturing systems, etc And then of course I mentioned in a past life. I was an engineer So we got to talking a bit turns out she's 50 years old and newly married She introduced me to her husband her younger husband She said the Antonio band that is doppelganger sitting across the way who by the way couldn't speak in English I thought that rather strange most all wealthy Latinos these days have gone to bilingual schools So they know English, but he didn't I thought that's strange now. Here's the punchline They got up and left before I did when she got up and turned to say goodbye

[22:22] I noticed she was missing her left arm lopped off at the elbow I hadn't noticed it till then because she was wearing a kind of flowing cape thing and at just that moment Her husband's telephone rang. He picked it up and started talking now I hadn't heard him speak before but I've been down here long enough 30 plus years now I instantly picked up on the fact that he was speaking in kind of low-class Spanish slang street slang He spoke in a way your parents would never let you get away with if you lived in a high class or highly educated home A Latino or Latino would never speak like that if they went to an expensive bilingual helicopter school That's for sure. It became obvious to me in that moment that she'd found herself a handsome uneducated Latino Exactly the opposite of what so many ladies up in the first world accuse gringo males of doing

[23:09] Namely moving to Latin America and hooking up with a beautiful, but stupid or undereducated Latina girl Well, it's nice to know it works both ways, right? By the way, they seemed quite happy. So no judgment there the moral of that story Well, it seems like there's lots of morals to that story. Take your pick All right changing gears again a couple of weeks ago I reconnected with a friend of mine a gringo who owns a little hotel in Costa Rica a Little mom-and-pop hotel on the Pacific Coast in Manuel Antonio It's 12 units a little swimming pool and a couple of blocks from the ocean He's been trying to get out from under it for a long long time But he made a big mistake now though. He hates it. He's kind of stuck there It seems many years ago when he first had the idea to open up such a place

[23:55] He'd only been in Costa Rica about six months. He didn't know the rules He didn't know Spanish, but he had a bilingual Costa Rican girlfriend who showed him the ropes introduced him to the right people Everything was going fine till he discovered about two years in that she was screwing around on him He went to a lawyer to find out what he could do about it and found out what he was absolutely trapped Even though her name didn't appear on any titles or property. He'd been living with her long enough I think over there a year is the minimum amount of time to be a common-law wife Which meant she'd get half everything and his lawyer advised him. It would be worse than that There'd be a big war and he said anything could happen Like for example, he could get his passport embargoed and have to leave the country and my buddy being a kind of a laid-back Non-confrontational gringo type. He decided not to act to just wait it out

[24:43] So he's been in limbo for a long long time wants to sell out his half, but no one wants to buy half It's all enough and then his girlfriend wants a lot more for her half than he wants for his Needless to say they're not getting along too. Well, but that's another story. Anyway We caught up with each other after a long long time when we got to talking about Covid and how it ruined the tourism business We got to talking about how he and the rest of the hotel and tourist operators learned how to survive He said basically you cut your rates and you take everybody and anybody you lay people off cutback and everything and lower your standards Then I don't know what happened But he got into a discussion about which type of tourists or visitors are the most irritating Since he said especially since Covid tourism like airports and congested traffic brings out the worst in people He says I know when I get up in the morning and check the reservation ledger who's gonna check in that day

[25:33] I know instantly he said if I'm gonna have a good or bad day. I said, what do you mean? He said well, if there's a British couple coming in it's usually fine They're relaxed and can be funny and are interesting But if there's more than two Brits, they're traveling in groups they're gonna drink just a drink and they're gonna get out of hand and someone usually a British woman or women will puke on the sheets and He said the British have a habit of pocketing a future packed lunch from the breakfast buffet Oh and drunken Brits, by the way, he said have a tendency to fall or jump off balconies But again only when they're in groups when they come alone or as a couple, they're just fine He said that's why we like the Dutch and the Scandinavians they live up to their reputation as being Perpetually laid-back and when they get drunk, they just fall asleep in the nearest chair

[26:19] But thankfully though he says the Russians and the Ukrainians are scarce these days He said in the old days we could spot him a mile away in the parking lot Getting out of their rental cars big burly white tattooed guys with a million gold chains and their skinny pure blonde women Always wearing loud ugly expensive clothes that never match He said we never liked those Russians or Ukrainians when they did come He said by the way, speaking of Brits, there were a group that came in 2015 and really trashed my bar. They still owe me money I'll never get it. He said the Chinese and the Japanese are easy to deal with. They always seem happy easy to please However, the worst tourists he says are the French Nice said now, where have I heard that before? He said it never fails You have a French couple at the breakfast buffet

[27:05] They inspect the food and the pastries inside out and upside down like they're looking for baked-in pubic hairs or something Their smiles almost always fake and they never give us sincere compliment It's practically impossible to make them happy says they almost always have something negative to say and finally He says I don't want to leave out the Germans Germans and backpackers worst tippers of all But they can drink and they sing when they drink but unlike the Brits even when in groups. They always pay their bills You've been listening to the expat files living in Latin America If you need some help with your own plan B We can schedule a one-on-one phone or Skype consult Just send me an email the expat files at gmail.com And if you want to get on the waiting list for my next week-long expat Insider seminar in Central America where you're guaranteed to get a two to five year head start on your plan B

[27:56] Send me an email the expat files at gmail.com