#1182 – The Expat Files: Stories from Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came up to play and now that I wonder Hello there all you ex-pat wannabes. I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started Nothing. I like better than a good boots on the ground story. How are you especially one? That's got a lot of twists and turns Well, I've got a couple of them for you today. Just very recently. I was at one of those all-inclusive resorts Those places can be as big as cities, you know, and of course, that's the definition of the tourist trail

[00:47] That's their whole point of existence to suck in the tourists gringos Europeans and upscale Latinos nothing wrong with that That's their business model, right? So anyway, I'm at this resort with a good gringo expat friend of mine A guy who lives down here in Latin America, too In fact, he and his dad came down many years ago It's one of my seminars and now surprise surprise are both living down here permanently in Central America. Hmm How'd that happen? So anyway, we're at this all-inclusive hotel we're outside at this gigantic breakfast buffet and right in front of the pool, there's a beauty pageant going on an International beauty pageant to miss something or others always 101 different kinds of beauty patches, but this was a big deal international It wasn't just miss tropical flowers or miss whole bean coffee

[01:34] This event had representatives from all over the world funny thing, too Right before the covid it thing I was at one of these big resorts neighbor hosting the miss Latin America pageant It was televised around the world You never know what kind of activities are going on at these big resorts until you get there There's always a few crazy things going on So we sat there at the outdoor buffet watching the pageant There was two parts of the passion that teenage missed something or another and the regular missed something or other you can imagine These were extremely beautiful and poised girls and since there were maybe 25 girls in the event All through the next couple days We'd see these girls walking around everywhere with their little silk country of origin banners and their entourage Their flunkies and handlers with their matching t-shirts, you know preening them and sucking up to them and such

[02:22] That's their job and the girls the ladies had their job to do too. They'd give the hoi polloi. That is the paying guests fake smiles a selfie and an anti-social media blurb upon request People just love that because well, that's what's expected. That's their 15 minutes of fame, right? 15 minutes 15 hours 15 days, whatever And of course them schmoozing the crowd is great PR for the resort So fast forward a few days I'm in the checkout line at the hotel And right next to me there's an american lady with a southern accent pissed as hell Screaming at the young lady desk clerk who by the way knew just enough english to be a desk clerk She didn't quite understand the southern lady's draw, but I did Here's the gist of it She said we're supposed to be at this hotel two weeks and eight days have gone by I want to check out now

[03:10] This is the worst experience i've had in my life and i'm thinking yeah, right this hotel's fantastic She's just pulling an american thing She probably ordered room service and it didn't come for two hours Or maybe she was short a towel or the internet was touch and go American tourists can be awful uptight and picky You wouldn't believe the things american tourists get fired up about if the shower doesn't heat up in 20 seconds flat It's the basis for a terrible vacation story That's all it takes to give the place some bad reviews on the internet So anyway, my turn came I checked out About 10 minutes later. I was walking through the big lobby and I saw that lady sitting down Yep, that's right. The american lady that knew no spanish who was all fired up and blowing her stack She was sitting down right next to one of those beauty contestant ladies who turned out to be her daughter

[03:58] So me always a nosy when I walked up and said can you tell me what happened over there? Why has staying at this hotel been that worst experience of your life? She said oh you're not going to believe this last night my daughter the representative in the pageant for the united states She was sitting on the balcony in our room all alone and four college days young guys came over They'd obviously been drinking They walked down to her balcony started touching her butt and her boobs saying all kinds of rude things to her while sexually assaulting her Now the mother was in the shower. So she didn't hear her see anything till she walked out and so her daughter was crying So naturally they immediately reported it to the front desk and some brenda cops came up by then The guys were long gone and the manager who was trying to calm the both of them down

[04:45] Said they were sorry They couldn't do anything because they were paying customers obviously not part of the staff if it was one of the staff They said they'd be on it right away Then they said unless she could identify him. There was nothing they could do It was dark. The mother didn't see him The guys were long gone and only the girl could identify him So the manager tried to defuse the situation fully knowing that an incident like that could go viral on the internet Bad for the resort in the hotel chain and bad for the girl who was assaulted and very bad for the beauty pageant organizers Since when something like that hits the net it's a stain on your life career and event forever Well, you know a resort like that's got probably two thousand guests So there was a good possibility she could spot those guys while walking the grounds if they hadn't checked out already After all it was the next day and it happened the night before

[05:33] So there was a chance they could spot those guys It could have taken a while a day or two of searching still no guarantees Anyway, the incident happened just that night before and the girl and her mom wanted out now Wow, what a terrible memory Now as for me, I tried to offer a few words of wisdom I said look latin american guys the ones that are here as guests. Anyway, our children are the rich They're super spoiled and their parents have dough so they can get away with murder So it is probably a good idea to leave Obviously the hotel wasn't going to help out much Then when you get home you start writing those poison pen emails To the hotel the travel agency the vacation bureaus and rags and of course to the miss pageant people and the mom said Oh, don't worry. I'm gonna ruin this place on the internet And that's when I said, you know these latin american guys are just horn dogs

[06:23] And latin american ladies have to put up with that bad behavior all the time I told her young guys are always doing that kind of crap and latin american ladies are good at fighting them off And that's when the ladies surprised the hell out of me and said they weren't latino guys My daughter said they were american boys And then it clicked for me. That's exactly the kind of thing. I used to see With young american college age guys down in cancun or costa rica You know, they've got that spring break fever that they think they can get away with anything They figure they can be aggressive abusive assholes because they're not in their own country anymore There's no accountability. No repercussions. It's that spring break in a foreign country mentality I used to see that over and over especially in cancun and costa rica Funny thing too those young american guys wouldn't much bother latinas

[07:11] They'd bother young american girls on vacation or spring breakers Why because when they're on vacation they over drink and over party too i'm talking about young american ladies now They can party and keep up with the men on spring break. That's for sure That seems to be the norm for young americans who come down in groups for vacation Oh, and by the way, remember for the next couple of days all those girls in the pageant were walking around everywhere Mostly in their tight little bikinis and you have to wonder how did those guys get on that girl's balcony? Pretty easy. Actually the place has three different levels in the first level ground level Your balcony where you've got a table and a couple of chairs extends out to the lawn and garden So people can walk on and pass your balcony from anywhere However, if you're on the second or third level your balconies way up high and completely private

[07:58] Now aside from that little tragedy, I picked up on something quite unusual Not one of those girls not one had a tattoo of any kind And I thought hmm something strange about that these days. That's almost abnormal So being naturally inquisitive all the way is known as nosy I walked up to one of those pageant ladies and said I don't get it. It seems like not a single one of those pageant contestants has a tattoo anywhere Is it some kind of disqualifier for this kind of pageant? Could it be this is miss world uninked? Well, she gave me a certain look and laughed a bit. That's when I got the full story This was not just a miss universe or miss world beauty pageant. This was a christian miss world beauty pageant Who would have thunk? Well, I guess it makes sense sorta

[08:44] And she said all the girls in the pageant have done some mission work somewhere in the world That's the prerequisite and my next thought was Do you think jesus would be okay with that? You know with all those nips tux bbls and brazilian wax shops required to get you to the pinnacle I mean really lead us not into temptation is how the phrase goes, right? Of course, I didn't say any of that stuff out loud, but man those silent wheels returning Well, it just goes to show no matter how smart you think you are and what you think, you know You learn something new every day. Oh and another thing I learned that day about christian miss beauty patches They've caught the woke virus too. And how did I pick up on that? Well, it was easy one contestant only one Out of maybe 25 or 30 girls was a 200 pounder

[09:31] But that didn't seem to matter. She had no trouble slishing and sloshing her way down the runway She had attitude. All right, and why not these days big is cool big is in and actually considered healthy And fat shaming not allowed thankfully though. She didn't win. Well, she didn't win the miss pageant anyway But she took first prize at the breakfast buffet Hmm. Can I say that? Well, I just did oh and you know speaking of being fat or even obese that doesn't just apply to humans You know every day i'd go over to the breakfast buffet on the terrace and i'd see a group of around maybe 15 blackbirds waiting in the bushes nearby about 15 20 feet away biding their time Just hanging there sometimes squawking a bit Just waiting for people who've just eaten to get up and leave

[10:19] Then the birds would immediately fly over and start picking away at their leftovers Until the waitress came over to clean the table and a new group sat down then the birds would head back to the bushes again Now that sort of thing is very common in latin america every time there is an outdoor cafe or restaurant The local birds are smart. They catch on. There's a free meal to be had all cooked up for them, too So they make a point of just hanging there. That would be their new neighborhood Now that reminded me of a very extreme case in point a few years back I was staying in a big resort hotel complex in porta Vallarta, mejico And I noticed there were two kinds of small blackbird on the grounds skinny ones and really fat ones Yet they were the very same breed Now the fat ones were a third to a half again as big as the skinny ones

[11:04] As it turned out one of the waiters at the outdoor restaurant told me the skinny ones live scattered around the grounds They don't mingle with the fat ones They fight if they get too close and the fat ones live in one particular big tree looks like it's at least 100 years old That provides quite a bit of shade for the outdoor patio and the waiter told me they're so used to eating people food You know the leftovers as mentioned that you could toss birdseed around and they won't even go for it I'm talking about the fat birds now the skinny ones aren't around the fat ones make sure of that So i'd sit there each morning with my coffee and the breakfast buffet I'd watch the fat ones swoop in they'd fight with each other over the leftovers and I noticed they vastly preferred Highly processed carbs like for example waffles and pancakes drenched in fake maple syrup

[11:52] It was fun to watch when there was a big morsel of like that to be had Often a couple of little fatties would fight over it They'd squawk and pack at each other And while two guys were battling it out a third guy would sneak in and fly off with a whole chunk Yet all the while there were fresh morsels of fruit real fruit on the plates scattered everywhere But they wouldn't even touch that stuff. They wanted pancakes and syrup Doesn't that speak volumes? Is that not a microcosm of gringo society? And now all they have to do is get a team of veterinary specialists in there to check their body mass index blood pressure and Coronary condition. I wonder what that might turn up any guesses All right, moving on. Let's talk about latin american tollways. Yeah, every latin american country has toll booths and pay ahes in espanol

[12:38] P-e-a-j-e Piaje tolls and toll booth is cabina de piaje cabina is cabin Just look at the word cabina and see how it's spelled almost like cabin. So toll cabin Now if you keep your eyes open There are a few things you'll notice in particular when you're passing through latin american toll booth Number one when you're coming up on them from a distance You'll see maybe seven eight or ten different lanes to get into the pay that toll But as you pull up closer, you'll see there's maybe only two or three that are actually working Number two at first glance from a distance. They seem very understaffed But as you get closer and closer you see they're massively overstaffed The fact is the last four or five latin american toll booths I passed through once I got to the cashier

[13:23] There were three ladies hanging out in that toll booth One lady outside the booth one lady straddling the booth and outside and one lady sitting on the chair in front of a computer screen I passed my funny money to the first lady. She handed it to the second The second lady handed it to the third she made change Produced a receipt and handed it back to me all the while you're thinking what the Is going on three people in a toll booth. This is large-ass dead beat is among steroids But it gets worse just at least one police or guard to each lane So there's four people in each toll lane Which means obviously all six eight or nine toll lanes could be open and overstaffed at that If they just use half a brain and spread the people out, but that would be too logical This is latin america, you know

[14:09] I mean, let's face it everything the government touches turns to shit Maybe it's the same up by you though. I do know that private not government tolls and highways are very streamlined and efficient Go figure, huh? Oh, and there's one thing completely different about toll roads here in latin america compared to yours up in the states The fact is down here you'll see almost no junky cars No trash mobiles no pieces of shit on the road on a toll road that is because tolls cost money And most people with junkers here in latin america can barely afford the ass money Especially lately when it's popped over five and six bucks a gallon turns out throughout most of latin america where there are toll roads Alternative routes exist through small towns and pueblos definitely a longer trip But you pay no tolls and of course toll roads are almost always in great shape. That's why you want to use them, right?

[14:57] So what about comparing the cost to go on a toll road in latin america versus the us? Well just the other day. I was on a toll road for about 150 miles along the way I passed through three maybe four toll booths the total cost about eight bucks Now as a comparison in illinois, if you're on a toll road, it's about six cents a mile So going 150 miles on an illinois toll road about nine bucks very similar to lots of toll roads in latin america But then again down here since you'll see almost no junkers The toll roads are pretty much wide open spaces. They're not crowded at all Oh and as far as speed limits there are usually signs on the open road posted at 90 to 100 kilometers per hour That's around 60 to 65 miles an hour However, as far as actually enforcing those speed limits, that's another thing. It's true. You will see cops posted all over the place

[15:49] But only one i'd say in 50 has a radar gun and maybe only one out of two of those works For example, i'd say the last five or six times i've been on a toll road here in latin america only once Did I see a cop with a radar gun? It's just so rare to see people being pulled over by the cops down here. That just doesn't happen That's because the cops are only issued two or three gallons of gas a day So naturally they park on shady areas along the highway and just sit there and mostly snooze The thing is latin americans speed like crazy, especially on the toll roads where there's little traffic in wide open spaces Again, you just don't see people getting pulled over Except in those highly gringoized tourist areas like cancun especially costa rica The fact is every gringo I know has been pulled over and fined heavily in costa rica

[16:36] A 500 traffic violation is not uncommon in costa rica And if you happen to be there on vacation, you just rented a car and you think well hell I'll be gone in three or four days forget about it The transit cops are hooked into the computer system at the airport. So they won't let you leave unless you pay that fine Once again reinforcing the fact that costa rica is not a good plan b destination at all nice place to visit But I wouldn't want to live there and if you go bring lots of cash because it's more than first world expensive On here's a story for you I was on a toll road the other day and I pulled over to get some gas and the guy pumping the gas Yes, they still pump gas here in lat america He was a pure 20 something latino guy with the requisite tattoos and weird ass designs cut out and styled into his hair And the thing is when an obvious middle or lower middle class latino speaks pretty good english

[17:25] I always ask him where'd you learn your english because I know they didn't go to expensive bilingual helicopter school Not if the guy's waiting tables or pumping gas You can make that assumption all day long. Anyway, the guy told me he learned it up in the states on the east coast And then they generally tell me how much they love the u.s And want to go back and then I say why aren't you there now? They'll usually tell me they're back for a family situation great grandmas 82 and they got to take care of her They'll tell you they got homesick or came back down to visit and stayed longer than they thought et cetera, et cetera It seems everyone's back down because of a family emergency. That's almost always bs They say it to save face because they got caught and deported now This guy was much more honest than I ever would have thought he told me he'd been deported four times I said four times. That sounds pretty discouraging

[18:11] I said why not stay down here? You could get a job at a call center in a second. Your english is great He said no, but i'm saving up to go back because he's got a girlfriend and two kids up there. Nice, huh? Which brings us to this article. It just came out this week and i'll paraphrase to cut out the boring parts It says federal and local authorities in arizona are sounding the alarm about a rise in the use of outsiders as drivers For human smuggling operations a practice. They say has led to some spectacular and tragic consequences For participants migrants and bystanders then it says members of the homeland security investigations bureau And the co-chiefs county sheriff's office in arizona say that smuggling groups are recruiting people Specifically white american middle-class teenagers with cars via social media platforms such as snapchat

[19:02] Facebook and instagram paying them to drive to certain border areas to pick up undocumented illegals Then it says from there at the first checkpoint The teenage drivers get half their dough and instructions where to take their migrants, which is usually a safe house or another pickup point Payment to the young drivers is around 500 a person with the money paid mostly in cash on delivery or cell phone money transfer apps Then it says in co-chiefs county alone. The sheriff says they've chronicled 600 smuggling events using that method in the last six months with 107 high-speed pursuits ending in arrests Then the article says there are two big takeaways from this trend along the u.s. Mexican border first This is another clear illustration of the power of social media

[19:48] And how criminal groups in the states and in mexico take advantage of what it offers And we have co-chiefs county sheriff mark daniels who says quote social media is our enemy But there's nothing we can do about it He says some of the young american drivers they have apprehended come from far away as far away as california and new jersey Just to cash in on that easy money What's more he says the ability to recruit from afar often with complete anonymity? Means criminal groups have limited their exposure to near zero the virtual interaction on cell phones makes the drivers feel less exposed, too He says the young kids have to know they're picking up illegals But since it's all set up virtually they don't see the faces of the organizers or leaders and when caught they just say What's wrong with that? I'm just picking up people i'm helping out poor people who need a leg up

[20:38] Bottom line young drivers most exclusively male young drivers willing to take on a small risk Love the easy money which brings me to a personal story that comes from my brother. You know the stem cell poster child I spoken about many times Now my brother who lives in and around chicago and has been retired for a couple of years now He was for 25 years the night supervisor for one of the biggest meat packing plants in all the midwest That's where most of wendy's mcdonald's meat paddies came from his plant He said in the 25 years he worked there. He had anywhere from 200 to 2000 people working for him depending on the year the season the contracts they had with wendy's mcdonald's and others so far so good Right. Well, that's how my brother learned his spanish

[21:24] Broken mexican street spanish, but spanish nevertheless He absorbed it from the workers there 90 or even 95 percent of which he said were illegal aliens But they had convincing looking papers fake driver's license fake social security cards the works The company was not breaking any laws. They asked for id they got it even if it was fake After all it wasn't the company's job to verify if their documents were real or not just that they had documents My brother said once every month or two ice the immigration guys would come in unannounced Which really wasn't a surprise at all. They'd get advanced warning by phone call From one of the other meat packing plants in the area. There were dozens and dozens Turns out there was a grapevine when ice made their initial stop People at that plant would phone up all the other meat packing plants and everybody would be on alert and people with really crap papers

[22:15] That wouldn't pass muster would bail for that day My brother said it was a game a sick joke, but everyone played along So that was maybe five or so years ago flash forward to just about two years ago now My brother's wife died in an accident. She died young he couldn't handle it. So he went on a drinking binge He ended up getting three DUIs, you know what happens then in the midwest. Anyway, that's a mandatory 30 days in jail So my brother did his time and when he got out I asked him what was it like? He said, you know what? It wasn't so bad. I met some people I knew right away He said no one messed with me Turns out he was fine because he ran into a lot of guys in jail who used to work for him at the meat packing plant And they weren't in for duis or skipping on traffic fines either

[23:00] Then he said it was a good thing. I was always nice to him, huh? Now that little story has a few hidden messages in it It's also reason four thousand four hundred and twenty six Why you better get that plan be going and get the hell out of dyes before uncle sam slams the door on you or your assets Look, what would happen if you could get out yourself, but your assets were blocked You can't transfer them out of the country unless you pay an exit tax or some kind of penalty mark My word says coming, you know Isn't it funny nearly all the things we predicted on this show starting 10 or 12 years ago already? Came to or are coming to right now. Oh, and don't worry I've got the response emails to prove that lasts of listeners going back 10 or so years Thought I was a doom and gloom or an extremist and alarmist not to be taken seriously

[23:46] I got loads of emails from listeners telling me that those things could never happen in the good old usa Now it seems they were under estimations Now i'm not happy about being right the world would be a much better and freer place if i'd been wrong The thing is though the worst is yet to come the suffering you see now is just starting The truth is all of us guys and girls who moved down here to latin america permanently. We're just slightly ahead of our time I think you're getting that now, aren't you? By the way, you want to hear a little pet peeve of mine? It just runs me the wrong way when I run into latinos adolescent and young adult latinos Who've been living in the states for a while obviously middle and lower class They've got the tattoos and funky carved up hairdos a couple of pounds of fake gold chains You know the type now that in itself doesn't drive me nuts. I have almost nothing in common with them

[24:34] Though i'm cordial and civil with them, you know, you have to maintain your manners, right? The thing is you see and this happens to me every time I go to a beach hotel or beach resort I'm in the pool or sitting in the lounge and one of these guys walks up to me. He wants to bond He asks me where are you from? I say chicago I say where are you from and he says something like massachusetts, connecticut or new hampshire And he says it in the thickest bad english in the most horrible accent you could imagine And I supposed to buy it and let it pass with a straight face In fact that happened just this week. I was with one of my gringo buddies again We're in the pool where there's a pool bar, you know bartenders right there Serving up drinks and this tattooed latino with a ton of bling and cornrows in his bad english says he's from

[25:20] Massachusetts nice try, huh? No, he doesn't tell you where he was born where he lived 90 percent of his life In guadamala selva or panama, whatever He spends just two months in massachusetts and thinks he came over on the mayflower If it wasn't so ridiculous, it'd be embarrassing now if you think we're dipping into racy territory here talk about cultural appropriation He sneaks in illegally. He's only there a couple of months and now he's a self-professed new englander who knows almost no english Isn't it funny? They can appropriate a state or a country, but we can't Imagine if a latino said to me where are you from and I said guadamala or honduras or panama He'd laugh at me or he'd think I was nuts for one thing looking at me a pure white blue-eyed light-haired gringo Telling a latino that I was born in a latin country

[26:07] My looks and my heavy gringo accent would give me a way in a second It's funny. No gringo or expat. I know would ever say that but latinos appropriate states and countries all the time they're mostly latinos who've done well or well enough to be able to come back and make a trip and Got their papers in order too And now all of a sudden their own country the one they were born in doesn't seem good enough And to sort of erase their past they'll try to create a different backstory Now that might work when they're conversing with other latinos because they're on the same wavelength But it never works when they're conversing with gringos. They just come off as sort of well laughable and ridiculous Then again when you come down here and it happens to you You might just think it's amusing and let it go at that Problem is latinos have pulled that one on me so many times. It's become one of my pet peeves

[26:53] Now if you think it's just me being too picky My gringle buddy who was there for that conversation brought it up to me some hours later He said johnny, I can't believe that guy with the terrible accent tried to make us believe He was from massachusetts and I said to him you think that was a one-off that happened to me three times today I had a guy tell me he was from new jersey another from connecticut and both of them had about third grade english skills That's what you get. I guess when you combine macho with room temperature iq. Oh, and by the way, just a caveat here That's happened to me many times but never has a latina latin american girl pulled that one It's always some self-important macho latin guy out to impress You've been listening to the expat files living in latin america If you need some help with your own plan b we can schedule a one-on-one phone or skype consult

[27:41] Just send me an email the expat files at gmail.com And if you want to get on the waiting list for my next week-long expat insider seminar in central america Where you're guaranteed to get a two to five year head start on your plan b send me an email the expat files at gmail.com nos vamos