#1169 – The Expat Files: Technical Issues, Dominican Republic Seminars, and Cultural Insights

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came up to play and now that I wonder Hello there all you ex-pat wannabes. I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started All right. Let's start with a little housekeeping You know the mother station up in New York PRN dot live in the last two months They've been upgrading switching over a new software and such as a result Some of my shows got shuffled around a bit in other words They're not in the right order and some shows weren't posted

[00:46] That is they got lost in the shuffle or held back for a week or two or three and then suddenly it showed up On the roster in other words for all you listeners out there Who never want to miss a show? Well, guess what? I think he did a couple of shows You know I generally put out two shows a week unless I'm Traveling deep in the jungle and can't pull it off because the internet or whatever That means for all you listeners who don't want to miss a single show You should go back in the archives and check out the show descriptions There's always a date at the top of the listing. So just go back and check June and July of 2022 You'll find a couple of them are not in orders. They've been jumbled for sure. Some of you missed them So anyway, just to alert you to that fact By the way, I'm not the one that discovered that been getting some listener feedback from people going into the archives and saying hey Giant, you know, there's some gaps in the dates the usual two shows a week aren't showing up

[01:33] What are you doing getting lazy? Well, maybe sometimes you have energy sometimes you don't last time There were any intentional gaps in the to show a week format was back in May Anyway, I just want to fill you in on the fact that if you're a loyal listener You may have missed a couple of shows, but they're there now in the archives So just go back a month or two and check the dates All right with announcement number two now We finally settled in on the dates for our next expat insider seminar It'll run this Saturday November 5th through Friday November 11th And this time by popular requests will be doing it in the Dominican Republic the DR So then why the DR? Well, I've been doing expat insider seminars since 2010 And one of the questions I often get is why are they always in and around Guatemala and El Salvador?

[02:18] Why not in another Latin American country or two that I me Johnny recommend as a nice plan B destination? So this time it'll be the DR people have heard of the Dominican Republic, of course, because well the making's live all over the United States But very few natural born Americans have ever been there though Many have heard the rumors that it's got a worldwide reputation as a Sun and fun beach vacation paradise And it's certainly all that but here's what you didn't know about 10% of the place is on the tourist trail and about 90% is Way off the tourist trail. It's a stark and very well delineated mix of on the tourist trail and off the tourist trail So it offers the very best of both worlds for an expat plan B soft landing with none of the BS You have to put up with in those pure gringo saturated tourist areas like Cancun, Tulum, Playa del Carmen, Costa Rica, etc

[03:09] You know, there's something quite different about the DR and you need lots of boots on the ground there They'll figure it out The fact is with 90% of the country you could walk around for hours and not see a single gringo I know I know you're thinking what's he talking about the yards of Sun and fun destinations gotta be loaded with gringos Again, here's what you didn't know and you'll never find out unless you have done some extensive boots on the ground in the place Here's the thing Those famous beach resort areas are set exclusively on a tiny sliver of the country located on the extreme East Coast called Punta Cana, that's where all the tourists go You see 99.9% of international visitors fly directly into the Punta Cana airport Go straight to their all-inclusive beach hotel There's hundreds of them and stay a couple of days get a good tan or get burnt to a crisp and fly back home

[03:57] Meanwhile, what they completely miss is the amazing capital city of Santo Domingo about four hours ride to west Now, of course, Santo Domingo has its own international airport when you fly into that place It's loaded with Dominicans and almost no gringos or expats Exactly opposite from Punta Cana international airport where all the tourists fly in Anyway, Santo Domingo the capital It's a fantastic place with an amazing historical colonial district like no other in the new world But alas, no spectacular crystal clear beaches They're four hours away As a result, no gringo tourists, which believe me is a good thing The fact is Santo Domingo, the capital of the DR, was the first place Columbus landed and made the permanent capital of the new world

[04:42] So in the area called the historic colonial district It's just loaded with amazing fully restored 15th and 16th century homes, churches, cathedrals historic buildings and so much more It's amazing to me that Americans almost never take the time to see any of it at all It's way off the gringo tourist trail yet one of the finest UNESCO World Heritage sites ever It's another one of those places you could walk around for hours and not see a single gringo Although there are always a few odd freewheeling laid-back Europeans and hippy types meandering around By the way, that's where Columbus himself ended up living He built huge extravagant houses there for his kids as well And for the first governor and Spanish aristocrats of the new world Love him or hate him In other words, if the worksters ran the DR, they'd tear the historic district down

[05:31] But thankfully as with most of the rest of Latin America They don't even know what the word woke means Or rather I should say to them it means time to get up time for coffee How refreshing is that? Anyway, Santo Domingo has this amazing historic colonial district There's nothing like it That's practically devoid of gringos and expats And we'll be seeing all that at the seminar up front and personal Yep, the new world's very first cathedrals, Confidence churches, government buildings, etc, etc That area is completely safe too And everything's within walking distance Oh, and by the way, the DR has never had any vaxxer masking requirements for visitors That means if you haven't been vaxxed, nothing to worry about there So anyway, my next week-long Expat Insider Seminar will launch Saturday, November 5th Just go to expatplanb.com

[06:19] That's E-X-P-A-T-P-L-A-N-B.com You'll find the sign up sheet and all the details At least it should be up there by the time this show goes out on August 12th If not, check the site a day or two later So here's the deal You've got till September 15th to get in on the early bird discounts That's 500 bucks off the regular price So sign up as soon as you can to get in on that deal By the way, the price includes seven nights in very nice hotels Oh, and here's something else you didn't know about the DR They have the fastest residency to passport nationality program in all of Latin America Unlike most all other Latin American passport programs That take five to ten years after you get your permanent residency To finally get your passport and citizenship In the DR, you get permanent residency

[07:06] And then you only have to wait two years to go for your passport Two years More on that later By the way, during our boots on the ground adventures We'll be visiting that famous little low profile off the gringo tourist trail stem cell clinic You know, the one I've been to and handheld my brother through Remember his story, the stem cell poster child? Well, you can bet We'll be checking that out on the doctors, hospitals, and clinics part of the tour Oh, and I've been getting lots of inquiries from people Asking if they could kill two birds with one stone That is attend the seminar and get some stem cell work done too We've got that covered If your idea is to come down to the seminar and get stem cells You just book another week or five working days right after the seminar My seminar logistics coordinator will make the arrangements for you Oh, and let's not forget our repeat offenders

[07:52] At every seminar, you know, I've got repeat attendees As usual, previous seminar attendees can come to this seminar And get a thousand dollars off And of course, I always get emails from people asking me if the seminar is really worth it How do I answer that? Instead of getting carpal tunnel laying out all the reasons why All I have to do is mention the fact that people just keep coming back for more Repeating sometimes three even four times And now I ask you if it wasn't worth it Would people keep coming back over and over again? Get this You know how many repeat offenders they have at international living seminars? I heard from a longtime insider that just doesn't happen In fact, he was surprised by the question Give me a weird look He said Why would they come back to hear the same spiel? Enough said about that Oh, and one last thing

[08:37] You know, the D.I.R. has a coffee growing mountainous altiplano region too So geographically, they've got a little bit of everything Who would have thought, huh? And man, if you like beaches now, that's not my thing really But for so many gringos and expats, that's the ideal retirement plan B One thing's for sure If you like clear, pristine, white sand beaches And the kind you see in those James Bond movies The D.I.R. will spoil you It's way too much of a good thing All right, so that's the latest seminar news Just go to expatplanb.com Check it out and sign up before September 15th And get in on those early bird discounts All right, so let's dig into the email file Kind of backlogged on that stuff Let's dig in This one's from Mr. E.S. He says, just heard your July 17th show, Johnny

[09:22] Where you read a letter from an expat living in Antigua, Guatemala Who complained about the natives walking way too slowly And you, Johnny, said you had the same complaint People walk way too slow My God, he says, you too must be walking ice skaters As for me, I'm 70 years old and not inclined to walk extremely fast But everybody, and I mean everybody From natives to expats are always passing me up In fact, he says, one time when my two girlfriends Wait a second He's 70 and has two girlfriends I'd like to know the details on that, wouldn't you? Anyway, he says, one time my two girlfriends Had to show me where to catch the local bus near Where the residents and clinic they work at was located Each of them took an arm and helped me along Since they had appointments with people They both provide physical therapy

[10:09] And I just wasn't keeping up with the pace, I guess Fortunately, the bus stop was only a couple of blocks Or quadras from the front door So the whole thing wasn't too much of a spectacle Then he says, Johnny, enjoy your power speed walking Myself as a retiree, I prefer to enjoy not having to bust my buns to get to places And now I'm living in Antigua, Guatemala itself I especially want to relax and take it easy Los Vamos, Johnny, signed Mr. F.S. Well, what can I say, but thanks for that, Mr. F.S. The real question I have for you is Tell me you're not living the good life Come on, you're telling us you've got two girlfriends Stronger and faster than you are in both of them Seemingly not inclined to jealousy or fighting it out in public Come on, Mr. F. A guy with two girlfriends Who know each other, not at each other's throats

[10:55] That's a rarity Somehow you've got some kind of special arrangement going there Especially if they're both Latinas I'd say most 70-year-old guys up in the States Would just love to be in your shoes Or maybe not Wait a minute, wait a minute Am I missing something here? Could it be that you, Mr. F.S., are in one of those polyamorous relationships? They're all arranged up in the States now Tell you what, though, when I started reading about that stuff I thought that'll never translate down here to Latin America Neither Latino men nor Latino women would ever go for that Tell you the truth, I've never seen so much female jealousy and rage Anywhere else in the world, only in Latin America I'll tell you, a guy with two girlfriends down here Spends half his time keeping him from knowing about each other His main goal, it seems, is to keep him far, far apart

[11:40] Man, I'll tell you the way these Latinos juggle Their multiple girlfriends and wives Looks like way too much work But hey, they're all playing that game And even though it causes a lot of stress and heartbreak And they don't win in the end, they seem to thrive on it Then again, Mr. F.S., you didn't tell us for sure if your girlfriends were Latinas But since they're working regular day jobs, you know, physical therapists and such It's almost certain they are Oh, and by the way, Mr. F.S., I don't suppose you've seen the recent data From cardiologists and geriatric experts There are dozens of studies that are now showing The faster a person walks at his regular walking pace The greater his or her functional lifespan In other words, a cardiac or geriatric specialist Can tell by the way a 50-year-old person walks, you know, by his speed and his stride

[12:28] They can predict now with pretty good accuracy How spry and how healthy a person is going to be As he gets towards the end of his years In other words, are you going to have a long, healthy old age Or end up as an immobilized old coot Knowing that, it makes you wonder Sort of makes you want to pay attention to the middle-aged folks around you And how much spring they have in their step And maybe, just maybe, you'll want to pick up the pace yourself All right, speaking of pleasures of the flesh Were we speaking about that? Yeah, I guess so, a little bit Comes this email from Douglas from the Socialist Republic of Montgomery County, Maryland He says, Johnny, my father recently passed unexpectedly But we take comfort that he had a good life However, when cleaning up his house for visitors and the reception My brother's adult children came across Grampy and his girlfriends, romantic aides, and helper accoutrements, so to speak

[13:17] What a shock That paraphernalia discovery story is hilarious And the look of horror on their faces was priceless Though, while they were horrified, my brother and I were, hey, We're just glad he was still able at his age to still enjoy certain pleasures of life But, Johnny, it did get me thinking Can things like that be bought in Central America? Places like Guatemala, etc. I mean, in the nice stores in Tiandas Not the old CD low-class stores located in back alleys in the shadows Where we were forced to go when we were young adults in the 70s and 80s When that kind of sort of forbidden fruit stuff just started breaking into the mainstream Then he says, Of course, I'm not asking this for me I'm asking for a friend Signed, Mr. D

[14:04] Well, Mr. D, good question Truth is, man, have things changed here Everyone knows it's a very macho society here And very Christian, basically Catholic, too, right? So that makes for strange bedfellows, pun intended Because, you see, most of the pure Latino guys I've known over the years, young and old They would never, ever admit to another guy They were using any kind of devices or sexual aids, costumes, role-playing, any of that stuff That stuff goes on, all right? But they'll never admit to it It's not very manly But here's the thing, since here in Latin America, cheating on your wife, girlfriend, whatever Is sort of a national sport Knowing that, Latinas will go far out of their way to prevent their guy from cheating That means many of them are well tuned in to those sexual devices and helpers

[14:50] The fact is, over the years I've known many Latinas well enough for them to have told me That once they start picking up on signals that their boyfriend, husband, whatever Might be cheating or getting ready to cheat As soon as they get suspicious One of the first things they do is they head off to the nearest Victoria's Secrets clone Or Frederick's of Hollywood clone You can find them or clones of them in all the big shopping centers and malls And as for those real nasty down and dirty sex shops At least years ago we would have called them down and dirty You know, the ones that sell lubes and gels and blow-up dolls Butt plugs, strap-ons, the whole works Well, surprisingly enough, since around the year 2010 Those kind of shops have popped up everywhere In nice middle and upper class business districts too

[15:36] In fact, where my favorite Guatemalan lawyer has his office In a nice upscale strip mall in Guatemala City There's a store in that little mall Funny thing too, when I happen to walk past one of those places I can't help but look it in the window Come on, who doesn't? For me it's mostly just for a laugh Just to see how far things that were called perverted When I was a teenager and young adult have come Come on, don't tell me you don't take a peek Even if you're walking with someone and don't want to be obvious You're still looking out of the corner of your eye, right? The thing is though, when I peek through the window I almost never see any guys in there Even the clerk behind the counter is generally Some multiply pierced and tattooed College-age, green-haired, heavy metal girl Why is that? I wonder And the client's almost all regular normal women too And since even years ago I often wondered why

[16:24] I finally had it explained to me and more than once Turns out it's almost a sure sign the lady in question Is having doubts about her husband or boyfriend's fidelity Down here in Latin America anyway An effort to try to keep her guy from a strain Ladies have good radar for that Because remember, their dads, brothers, uncles Are often serial cheaters So they know the signs and signals by heart So that's why for many a Latina who's having her doubts The sex shop is her next stop To inject a little excitement, energy Or even craziness into the equation Hey, who knows? The recipe might work for a while But this is Latin America Land of the serial cheaters Now, if you're under the impression That Latin American women are quickly becoming liberated here That gender departments and gender study degrees

[17:09] Are popping up in local universities Well, you'd be wrong Though you might hear lip service Coming from the so-called Latinx population Exclusively in the first world You might even get into a discussion with a young Latina Who calls herself a feminist I have, feminista But believe me, it ain't the same thing As a feminist up in the States Not by a long shot The thing is When you're down here long enough And you see firsthand the amount of cheating going on here And here Latinas tell you They cover the tracks in block for their own brothers Who are cheating on their girlfriends and wives I ask you, are those the actions of a feminist? Now, it's not to say that these young ladies want to hide the tracks Block or lie for their brothers Who are cheating on wives, mistresses, and girlfriends It's very common They do it all the time But Latinas in their defense

[17:56] Always default to the blood is thicker than water cliche They know it's screwed up, but they still do it They're all well aware too That someday they might be on the losing end of that game In fact, I've met some Latinas who seem proud in a twisted sort of way That their own brothers are handsome, irresistible womanizers They say it with a sort of comic smirk He's my brother He's a devil, I know But he can't help being irresistible to women You know, these things we're talking about now I don't care how long you live down here as a gringo or expat If you don't know Spanish You're never going to be privy to those conversations Which begs the question All you gringas listening to this show living up in the States or Canada If you had a handsome devil of a brother A serial womanizer who had a girlfriend or wife Would you cover for him if he asked you to keep him from getting caught?

[18:43] My sisters wouldn't for me All right, moving on Here's an email from Lynn She says Hi, Johnny Please add me to the list as a potential for this seminar Will this trip contain info on a plan B in the DR or Guatemala? Love your show Signed, Lynn There's a PS But first, let's answer that question Yes, there'll be plan B information on Guatemala The DR in Latin America in general You'll get all of that Remember, it's the fire hose treatment Here's that PS It's related to a show I did a couple of weeks ago With that email from a young mom in Austin, Texas Hoping that her kids weren't the embarrassing type When she took them out in the public Anyway, Lynn says in her PS That young, exhausted mom from Austin, Texas And her hubby need to grow a set

[19:29] A family works together to keep the household running They can and should help to do chores Those kids need to earn their privileges She's not required to do anything for them They need to volunteer at a shelter And learn that the world does not revolve around them Give them bus passes or a bike If they want to go somewhere And get them some flip phones Stop indulging them And tell your hubby to step up She says kids often listen a lot more to their dad Though she says I do feel for that mom Well, thanks for that, Lynn And I hope you make it to the seminar By the way, Lynn, a while back I got an email from Sharon in Minneapolis Sort on the same subject She says, Johnny, I'm wondering how you feel about Corporal punishment My husband's parents are from Nicaragua And they believe in corporal punishment

[20:14] He does too I'm on the long end of 40 And my parents never laid a finger on me My own dad insisted he'd never hit a kid Because his stepdad would get drunk And beat the crap out of him and his mom Then she says, my husband Arturo and I Will be moving to Nicaragua eventually And most likely we'll be coming to your next seminar We've been married 15 years We can't have any kids But when we get down to Central America We're going to adopt two of them A boy and a girl You said yourself, Johnny, that you've seen Latino parents punish their kids in public You've said you've seen it at the doctor's office Grocery store Corner tienda Personally, I'm against that And I don't know what I would do If I saw an adult hit his kid in public Right in front of me Internally, I'd be outraged But knowing it's a different culture

[21:00] I don't know what I'd do Just my opinion Love the show Signed Sharon Alright, thanks for that, Sharon You're absolutely right I've seen Latino parents use corporal punishment Not that it's all that frequent I might see it once every six months or so But I'll tell you one thing I never see Any bystander or stranger getting in the act Trying to break it up Because 100% of the time As far as I can see anyway The kid has demonstrated everyone that he's a brat And the parent gave a verbal warning first And the kid didn't listen Though I suppose if a parent actually drew blood Someone would step in and stop it Funny thing though I've noticed that Latino parents, unlike American parents They don't get into arguments with their kids They'll scold them once And if they keep it up They get a couple of swats in the butt

[21:46] And they're obedient from there ever after So then how do I feel about corporal punishment? Well I remember I got a couple of good swift whacks from my dad When I was playing with matches Sticking bobby pins in electrical outlets Smoking behind the garage at 10 years old Blowing up mailboxes with M80s Stuff like that The way I look at it, Sharon If a kid's doing something stupid You could ground him or send him to his room But if he's doing something really dangerous Like playing with matches Or sticking bobby pins in electrical outlets That's not the time to spare the rod Now I know in the States The kid or the neighbors can call social services on you You'll be the talk of the neighborhood As they peer out the windows And the useless child services slugs arrive That's reason 4226 Why it's time to get the hell out of Dodge

[22:31] Don't you think? Which reminds me Way back when When I was in Catholic school When a kid acted up or threw a tantrum Mr. Reginald, Sister Jerome and the rest of them Would get a claw grip on one of your ears And walk you to the principal's office And your ear would smart It'd be red for a couple hours But just fine by the time you got home And if you whined to Mom There'd be no telltale signs or evidence Though the last thing you'd ever want to do Is whine to your mom and dad That you got disciplined by the nuns Because then you'd hear about how it reflected On their good name and they'd give it to your double Back then getting grounded was really a punishment No going outside Playing ball in the park riding your bike No internet No cell phone No iPad No computer No gaming Yes, things were medieval back then The only thing you could really do if you were grounded Was read a book

[23:16] What torture, huh? All right, how about this email from Miss JR She says, hello, Johnny New listener here Have to ask you What does drinking from the fire hose mean Regarding your seminars? Well, glad you asked Just picture the sheer volume of water That comes from a fire hose Too much volume and force to possibly drink out of it Like you would a regular garden hose Instead, it'll just knock you down So in the case of the seminar It just means way too much good info Then she says, my husband and I are already on our plan B But we'd like to hear about your seminar My husband's from South America And I'm getting permanent residency there We're getting out of Dodge soon ourselves My husband's South American country is falling apart though But having residency there in that country

[24:02] Allows me to have about five other countries In South America as options They have that South American common market agreement Called Mercosaur She says, we're not your typical couple He came to the United States to make money And wants to return to South America As for me, she says, I've always had plans To be an economic refugee, if you will Works out good for both of us I'm bilingual, so it's a good thing Here's a question though, Johnny For all expats that move to any of the various Latin American countries Whether it's Central or South America, Mexico, whatever For every expat who settles south of the border How many end up staying and how many end up returning? It seems crazy, she says My feeling is that so many people are looking to move abroad But have no clue how to go about it I actually read stories, she says, about people who ask

[24:50] Really dumb questions For example, what is the minimum credit score A Mexican bank requires to give me a mortgage? Or is my nursing or medical license accepted there? Jesus, she says, people think it's like Moving from Milwaukee to Santa Fe They're just clueless I'd be curious to know, Johnny As I'm trying to get as far away as possible From where we currently are in the Miami metro area In fact, here in Miami People, I'm guessing, they're Cubans that live here They have small cement black houses in Cuba And now they're advertising them on fake book In the US marketplace It's insane, I've seen these little cement black homes in Cuba Run as high as 60,000 bucks Maybe those Cubans know something we don't They figure when the crap hits the fan in my jammy

[25:35] People will be looking not too far away To get a cheap hideout She signs off with Warm regards from JR PS Took me a while I kept racking my brain Thinking, why does your voice sound familiar? Now I'm thinking, Casey Kasem, that's it You know, JR, I don't know if I should be thanking you for that or not You're not the first one to say Casey Kasem Is it an insult? They're a compliment Anyway, Miss JR, to answer that question about Expats coming down to Latin America and how many actually stay Well, coincidentally, just I think two shows ago I did a little bit on that Just check a couple of shows back and you'll see I went into that subject with quite a bit of detail Now, Miss JR, you talk about how clueless so many people are

[26:21] When thinking about coming south of the border With some of them completely out of touch with how society runs down here You see that all the time with real estate Americans come down thinking they're going to get a mortgage Yeah, good luck with that I'd say 95% of all real estate deals done by gringos and expats Down here, south of the border, are cash deals However, once you have permanent residency and you've been down 5 or 10 years And have been working with the same bank all the time Then there is a good chance you could get a mortgage But your interest payment is going to be excessive Probably twice the rate you'd pay up in the States So, yes, Miss JR, there are many, many clueless gringo expat wannabes and goannabes who've had it with living in the States and Canada Just like you Real tenderfoots, though, who don't really know what they're getting themselves into That's exactly why I've been putting on my expat insider seminars for the past 11 or 12 years

[27:11] People are always telling me It's like getting a 3 to 5 year head start on your plan B Though sometimes, you know, deep down people are masochists Sometimes I think a certain percent of Americans and Canadians prefer being miserable You offer them chance after chance to get out and they just don't take it They need something to bitch about at Starbucks, the health club They wouldn't have it any other way