#1134 – The Expat Files: Umbrellas, Justice, Gas Prices, and Estate Planning

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came up to play and now as I wonder Hello there all you ex-pat wannabes. I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started All right, since I mentioned a couple of shows ago a defense umbrella. Yep. Remember that a defense umbrella It's over 200 bucks for that thing and I have one and you might say it's only obsessive or Eccentric people would buy one of those things. But as I explained many times before I'm an engineer and us engineers just love gadgets

[00:52] Hey, most women love shoes and jewelry Some people have way too many tattoos Many guys love sports paraphernalia and have way too much of it at least according to their significant others That's why very few ladies permit that stuff around the house. They designated to the man cave, right? Now in no way am I saying you should go out and spend over 200 bucks on an umbrella as for me I just thought this thing was way too cool The thing is this thing's built so strong and so well that you can open it up fully Lay it across two chairs like a bridge and walk across it In fact, the website has a video of a guy doing that. Hey, that's what sold me Now before I say anything else about it Here's what you absolutely have to know if you're living here in Latin America. You're going to need umbrellas Lots and lots of umbrellas now

[01:39] You might think it's a small and superfluous thing to talk about here on this show or talk about it all But really the way it absolutely pours during the rainy season than that six months of the year It's hard to describe unless you're stuck in it yourself If you don't have a strong decent umbrella in your house or car You will suffer and get soaked to the bone many more times than you could ever imagine In fact, I'd say in my 30 plus years down here. I've gone through at least 20 different bad or insufficient umbrellas Maybe 30 the problem is there are so many badly designed crappy umbrellas out there Especially the collapsible ones that some aren't fit to be door stops And those are the ones you really want to have on hand the collapsible mini kind sometimes called a telescoping umbrella Because the big full-sized ones the ones that are like walking sticks are a nuisance

[02:27] And if you do a lot of walking you like walking around like I do and so many expats do The big full-sized ones are just a pain in the ass They're bulky. You always have to find some place to store them or shove them if you go into a cafe or restaurant Let's just say they limit your mobility That's why those little collapsible ones are so convenient But 90% of them are pure junk you use them two or three times and they break or bend or a wind comes up And they flip inside out. I absolutely hate that and then after they're inside out you get them right again That's if you're lucky the mechanics have been weakened and the thing will tend to flip inside out with even lighter gusts of wind I can't tell you how many of those things I've broken or just thrown away In fact, I remember once I was in the Costco parking lot and the big wind came up one of those things flipped inside out

[03:16] I got a soaker and I got so pissed off in that moment I just threw it under the tire my car and ran it over I remember getting some satisfaction out of that the thing about those collapsing umbrellas is that they're so convenient They're only about a foot long. You can put them anywhere. You can even shove it in your waistband without too much bother They're just no trouble at all the carrion can be if you hold them right kind of a defensive weapon That's why over the years. I've taken to carrying one with me every time I walk anywhere It just makes you feel good to have something in your hand just in case Not that I've ever come even near to thinking I'd have to use it as a weapon But who knows right besides that I think of a bad guy happen to be walking towards you with evil intent When he sees you have something like a stick or a club in your hand, even though it's an umbrella I think he'd move on to an easier mark

[04:03] Maybe at least in my case have never come even near a confrontation whilst carrying my umbrella Did I say whilst mmm old-schooled English that'll work, right? Let me point out once again though that most collapsible umbrellas are junk 90% of them are so lightweight and fragile If you ever tried to whack someone upside the head, he'd probably just laugh at you Even so you really need to have a good collapsible umbrella or two Oh another cool thing about those collapsible umbrellas is that you could take them on air flights Put them in your luggage or even in your carry-on bag, but you cannot do that with a full-size umbrella They'll confiscate it. How do I know that? Well, it's happened to me Now the best quick and dirty way to tell if one of those collapsible umbrellas is halfway decent It's just to feel the weight of it the mass I learned that after going through about 10 or 15 crappy ones now bear with me a second. I've made a study of this

[04:54] So anyway about four years ago I went on Amazon and ordered one each of all I think it was eight or ten collapsible umbrellas They had on the site that is I ordered eight or ten of the heaviest by weight because they've got something like 50 probably a hundred collapsible umbrellas on Amazon at any given time and as it turns out one just one of those collapsible umbrellas From that heavyweight group man. It took the Johnny Mueller expat gold medal award There were a couple of second and third place runner-ups, but they weren't all that close Decent but not really in the running and you heard me in a previous show mentioned a name of that thing It's called a kung fu Smith umbrella kung fu Smith only about 20 or 25 bucks Man, that thing is heavy and it's built like a tank yet

[05:40] It's just as small and maneuverable as the crappy one and in reality I don't know how they can get away with charging so little for the thing Oh and the other crap ones offer fashionable colors designs and prints and Kung fu Smith does have black and assorted other colors, but I prefer my umbrellas black and for a reason It's more stealthy and does not shout out. Hey, I'm a wealthy gringo. I have an umbrella that matches my fuchsia Nikes Hmm. What do you think though? Some might say and girls tell me this all the time that if you have a colored umbrella You're less likely to lose it or leave it behind and that's my problem I even left my favorite kung fu Smith behind now Someone's certainly enjoying and admiring it and it's not me and that was really the quandary I had when I bought that $200 plus

[06:27] defense umbrella I Thought yeah, that'll be just my luck I'll leave it somewhere and someone will have himself a real prize and they won't even know it Because you see the trick is with that umbrella is to get it into whack a bad guy upside the head mode So it's like this when you're ready to pop someone upside the head you do that Of course when it's closed and collapsed you grab the top of it Give a quick twist of the wrist and the metal shaft extends and now you have a very effective club Somewhat like having a baseball bat or billy club and for those of you who've been sending me emails Asking about that thing now that I've had it for a month or so. Nope I haven't had to whack someone upside the head. Not yet Probably never will but I have shown some friends and acquaintances how it works and here's my analysis

[07:14] I say before you drop 200 plus bucks on that defense umbrella by yourself a kung fu Smith for 20 or 25 bucks Try that one first. And if you like it forget about the expensive one I'd say because of the weight and strength of that thing you're within 70 to 80 percent of having a real 200 plus dollar defense umbrella. In other words if that expensive defense umbrella didn't exist at all having a kung fu Smith model Would satisfy almost anyone now. I fully realize this is sort of a weird conversation I'm thinking that if someone said to you what was Johnny talking about on his show this week and you said oh umbrella They'd probably say oh really he's losing it. He must be touched in the head who gives a about umbrellas

[08:01] What a boring stupid superfluous subject. Well, it might seem so on the surface But just remember I'm doing your kind of a service here If you live down here in Latin America long enough and go through the rainy seasons like we all do You'll go through shit umbrella after shit umbrella All of us long-term expats have done so and it's been a lot of money in the crapper By the way, if you happen to be at a bar restaurant cafe or bathroom and happen to find a kung fu Smith umbrella It's mine. Give it back to me Remember I've got that stealth umbrella and all wacky upside the head by the way I think the real difference between a kung fu Smith and a stealth umbrella is that you could actually kill someone With the stealth umbrella and with the kung fu Smith you'd probably just knock them out or knock them down Oh, and once again a disclaimer here I'm not recommending you kill anyone or even whack someone upside the head unless they deserve it

[08:50] Speaking of someone who deserves it. Have you been following that news story lately? We're a Latino MMA Champion fighter chased down a guy in a truck who'd molested I think it was his kid over a hundred times at a daycare center I think it was in Los Angeles and now this guy this champion MMA fighter is in jail Facing 20 criminal charges and over 20 years in jail, even though when he shot at the guy he missed him He couldn't get any precise shots up because he was in a moving vehicle chasing the guy Did you see that story even Joe Rogan had a comment? He said if it was him, he wouldn't have shot the guy. He would have strangled him with his bare hands Well, that's another reason I'm so glad I live in Latin America because you know if that happened down here You wouldn't have to shoot the pedophile that neighbors would drag him into the town square

[09:38] And they'd beat him to a pulp or stone of the death and the local cops would stand by and let him do it You longtime listeners have heard me tell stories on that very same theme In fact every month or so you read the paper and even on TV Sometimes you hear towns people especially small towns out in the boonies Where criminals are caught dragged into town square and stoned or beat or worse and oftentimes if it's a kid or an adolescent They let the parents take first crack at him. The thing is though. They only do that to repeat offenders They don't do it to you the first or second time So it's not nearly as medieval or lawless as you might think it usually takes three times before Some real delinquent bad boy, and it's almost always guys You know gets the town people so irate they haul them into the town square

[10:23] Because they know the legal process will just take forever Of course, we know the legal process in the states is completely broken, too It's a joke the question is what would you do if you found your kid in daycare was being molested Over and over again even just once Would you stay calm and count on the slow and moldy corrupt wheels of justice or? Load up the shotgun or get out the defense umbrella. Hey, I don't want to give you any ideas here But I bet you could sneak that defense umbrella into the courtroom Hmm sounds like a decent movie plot, huh? Oh and once again, let me repeat I don't earn a cent when I mention items I like or have like that defense or kung fu umbrella I've got no links or clicks on my website for me to get a piece of the action if you were to buy one Just saying

[11:09] The thing is when it rains up north by you up in Cleveland You don't need any special umbrella any old umbrella will do when it rains down here in Latin America You need something a little bit more than a regular umbrella Take it from me a guy who's gone through dozens of wickedly bad umbrellas And the good ones the long-lasting ones are far and few in between All right now said about that way too much said about that By the way, how are you guys doing up north with all this inflation? You waiting for that $10 a gallon gas in Europe? You know, I just checked and the average price $10.50 a gallon and why most Europeans either don't have a car or they don't drive much They use lots of public transportation now as far as the gas prices here in Latin America They're having around five bucks a gallon right now pretty close to what your pan

[11:58] The thing is though here in Latin America Gas liens one of those things that's always been slightly more expensive down here than up in the states Almost always from 50 cents to a buck more a gallon Oh and down here diesels always been cheaper than regular gas as opposed to just the opposite up in the states diesels usually around 50 cents a gallon less than gas but as far as gas prices now They've equalized they're pretty much the same in the states and here in Latin America in all the time. I've been down here That's the first time US gas prices have been the same as Latin American prices Which begs the question are you ready for those $10 a gallon gas prices because like I said Europe's been doing it for years You know, it's good to check the spot price of regular gasoline once in a while just to see how much your government's really ripping you off How much they're gouging you sticking it to you, you know, the spot price today is three dollars and seventeen cents a gallon

[12:49] So what's that mean? Well, that's what you and I could buy it for if you took a boat out to international waters met up with a tanker and said hey Give me a hundred gallons of regular gas. They'd sell it to you for three dollars and seventeen cents a gallon But as soon as you get into port no matter what country you're in you're subject to their gas tax laws You know as bad and as evil as the gas taxes in the United States have two dollars for every gallon Just imagine if you were living in Europe. They tax every gallon of gas Seven bucks, that's absolutely criminal and reason 2426 why I'd never want to live in Europe. Have you thought about the gas tax situation lately? You should it sure Irritates a hell out of me and why my next car will be electric Well, if you're not pissed up at your thoroughly corrupt government by now, you can chew on that a while by the way

[13:39] There's no daylight savings time in Latin America because there's really not that much daylight to save You know the closer you are to the equator the more consistent and less variable the sunset and sunrise times Since in most of the tropics the Sun rises between 530 and 630 and sets between 530 and 630 p.m. As well Daylight savings time would be pretty much useless though because you have it up north it is quite confusing to Latinos They don't understand what it's all about and why those crazy ass gringos do it though They're not the only ones who have trouble with it gringos and expats down here in Latin America often fine They can be slightly off depending on the time of year when communicating with friends and relatives up in the States It happens to me all the time I do a lot of phone consults and I always have to check the colors time zone look it up on the internet

[14:28] There have been times when I've missed my call by an hour plus or minus But we always work it out all because of that daylight savings switch over Missing something simple like that can make you look like a dummy. Oh, well guilty is charged Right now I think it's important to talk about rather morbid subject wills and gringos who are dead and dying I hope you're not on that short list. I get emails from usually older gringos about this all the time Here's one from Clyde. He says hi Johnny I don't recall you ever talking about wills on your show, but my memory has its limitations and it's seen better days Anyway, we have a will in the US which I know will not apply to assets and Guatemala and other Latin American countries And I'd like to hear what other astute gringos might do with their Latin assets regarding their last will and testament

[15:14] He says I'm far from being astute on that subject Then he says during a passing conversation my Latino lawyer and a separate lawyer I used for some notary work recommended that I open an SA corporation a society that an Anima Corporation account but I'm a little confused as to how that will work specifically when it comes to the next of kin in the US Cashing in on our Latin American assets and land and home that we're building and our bank account I've heard you discuss essays society anonymous in the past, but I believe it was related to opening a business He says in your experience Johnny. What does it gringo with residency like me and the wife? What can we expect to pay for an SA corporation kind regards signed Clyde? Well Clyde first have to say that the doctor should have definitely slapped your parents per name in your Clyde

[16:02] Because I'm sure growing up with a handle like that was not so easy That said let's take these issues one at a time The cost of an SA corporation depends on the Latin country, but it's usually under a thousand bucks But you have to pay the local tax accountant quarterly or monthly to keep the SA corporation current with the government Even if there's no movement in the company Let's say the corporation only owns a house or a car or a boat that could be 25 50 or even a hundred dollars a month So to keep it active you might rack up a few hundred bucks every quarter All right, let's move on to death dying and wills Here are some tips from expats who've been through it with their own loved ones Don't assume number one that the embassy will help you the US embassy is unlike what you might think The US embassy is only there for their own benefit not yours

[16:47] They'll help you notify your family for sure if you're traveling through the country and some bad happens But if one has residency like you Clyde in a Latin American country, and you happen to die there Your family won't get a proactive call from the embassy But they will quickly in an instant notify the Social Security Division and then your payments will be cut off That's about the only thing the US embassy is efficient at cutting off your benefits And if you think they're gonna ship your body back to your hometown in the US Well, that's only in the movies or if you're active military or embassy contractor or a dark dirty military Operator, you know a blackwater guy intonation building then you get priority Now if you got some real property left up in the States You'll need a US will and real property here in Latin America

[17:33] You'll need a will drawn up by a Latino lawyer. And of course, you'll need an executor. That is I mean executor It won't need an executor when your will comes into effect because you'll already be dead Next you'll have to determine if you wish to be buried or cremated in Latin America or have your body or ashes shipped back to The states you'll also have to point out in that will Who will be responsible to inform your family back home about your death that might not be the executor of your will next? You have to make sure you understand the rules for funerals in the Latin country You're in for example in Guatemala. You must take care of the deceased body within 24 hours You may delay this but it's fairly common to have burial cremation the day after you pass away Now if you've ever come across a funeral in Latin America, and you'll find they're pretty big events

[18:20] You'll think wow, that's a whole lot of drama. You'll know why now because unlike in the US where traditionally families wait three to five days for burial It's a fresh situation in the third world Why because it's a tradition in countries that had little or no dependable? Refrigeration or power and in the tropics things spoil in a hurry, but let's not dwell on that you And just like in the states most funeral homes let you plan your memorial burial cremation Whatever well before you need the services you can prepare this stuff at a fantastic discount because you know once someone's died That's when the leeches parasites and gougers start swarming That's why I always say though almost no one has this on their mind and almost no one ever does is you try to prepay? Those services get one of those cheap all-inclusive package deals well before you get old and creaky

[19:09] I know I know no one likes to think about that But every funeral parlor offers packages like that when you walk in the door They've got plenty of pamphlets and handouts with different price schemes I've even been in some big Latin American malls where they've got little booths set up With funeral home guys trying to sell you a package not exactly the perfect Christmas gift for Grandma But you know it's a thought that counts right Still you should definitely consider it it'll save you a ton of dough or your loved ones a ton of dough at that point When it kicks in you won't care about much Anyway, if you get a plan well ahead of time, then you'll have an opportunity to negotiate But you can forget about that when the deed is done question is while down here in Latin America Who do you call first when someone croaks in many cases, and I've got it set up this way myself That'd be your trusted Latin American lawyer in his staff

[19:56] They'll know what to do in the steps necessary To get the embassy on board too because they will have to be contacted The great thing about getting your lawyer involved right away is that he'll have done this kind of thing before he won't be As to be easily locatable. Oh and do let your family up in the States know who your contacts are down here in Latin America They'll want to know all the details right away. So they should be able to contact your lawyer instantly That'll help take some of the burden off of them during those sad and stressful moments Or maybe happy moments if you were a jerk and died with lots of dough Now the points that you should put in your will if you want the easiest option of all that is get cremated For example, by the way, you could have a complete cremation service done here in Latin America for around two grand or less

[20:46] Though I'd say only about one in a hundred or even two hundred people ever goes that route It's a very Christian culture and I don't know if you're aware of this But Christians believe at least most Catholic that at a certain point after the second coming comes that moment called the rapture You've seen the movie. No, not the zombie apocalypse movies though. They've got a few things in common I'm talking about those rapture movies. There's hundreds of them out there You know the drill everyone's raised from the grave and they get sucked up into heaven man I'll tell you you don't want to be sleeping up a hangover in the cemetery that night Anyway, if you're cremated, you won't have a grave. So when the rapture comes you're so well But I digress as usual. What were we talking about? Oh, yeah cremation Yeah, I remember a few years back was hard to find a funeral that would do a cremation

[21:32] But now they're fairly common and Latinos don't look at you quite so oddly when you mentioned cremation before back in the 80s 90s Anyway, it was equivalent to blasphemy But I'll tell you after the year 2000 and legalized gay marriage kicked in and most Latin countries Catholics and Christians have loosened up But back to death dying in wills regarding gringles and expats now, what if you have crypto currencies what to do what to do You know when you've got a crypto wallet, you've got your 12 or 24 keywords I say write them down then flip two of them around. Let's say number 16 and 24 and only you know that Then you give those keys to someone you trust might be your brother or dad or mother in the States But still it's totally useless to them because they don't know which two words have been flipped That's where your Latino lawyer comes in you write down in your will who you want your keys to go to the person

[22:23] That's supposed to get your crypto stash And you give your lawyer an envelope with those two flip numbers in it with instructions as to who they go to the will stipulating when you die He opens that envelope now remember he doesn't have your keys and the person you gave the keys to Doesn't know the two positions of the flipped words Personally, I think that's a hell of a lot better idea than others I've heard like for example You write half of your keywords down on one page the other half on another and give them to two different friends or relatives Then the only way they get what's in your wallet is to meet and match up those two sheets sounds like that could be problematic I'm sure if you think about it a bit you'll figure out why though you could split the keywords three ways or four ways But that gets rather complicated by the way on the subject of crypto and Bitcoin Now, of course, you've noticed. There's no shortage of bad press on cryptos

[23:13] Same thing with anything that has to do with Bitcoin and crypto and El Salvador So then which news sources if any should you believe? I mean, we all know about the five big corporations that control 90 to 95 percent of a lame Street media, right? I just ran across a confession by former Bloomberg financial journalist Joe Nakamoto He says and this just came out a few days ago He says I'm a former Bloomberg journalist and one of the main rules for being able to write about cryptos and Bitcoin Is that we can't own any Bitcoin or crypto ourselves? So we're not biased The problem is he says not owning some of the best performing assets in history like Bitcoin can also affect your bias When you're writing about stuff like that, for example, imagine knowing about but not owning something. That's going up a thousand percent

[24:03] in just a couple of years and not being able to get in because if you did it would affect your career because if You had some they wouldn't let you write about it. He says staying on the sidelines has hit me hard I wish I'd bought some rather than simply researching Bitcoin earlier And writing about it then I probably wouldn't have written such awful negative hit pieces on it as a result I'm sorry. He says All right me Johnny here again Think about it if he feels that way and admits it imagine all the other financial analysts and journalists Who've also done hit pieces on crypto and Bitcoin showing their negative bias? Being slightly resentful because they know other people were making fortunes on the stuff and they couldn't wow That's something to think about, huh? But I digress. Where were we? Oh, yeah

[24:48] We were talking about wills and when gringos croak Then there's the question of cemetery types and tombstones Now if you choose a regular burial and not a cremation And you don't want your body shipped back to the states, which I don't recommend because it's a very costly process In any event, it's slightly more complex. In fact, I know of a case of someone who just died here recently He was a european national and wanted to get shipped back to his family in spain cost him $10,000 to prepare the body here in central america get all the paperwork and sanitary and health Permissions to ship the body and so forth plus to buy the proper coffin to be used in transit Just know it's very costly to ship a body back to the states or europe or wherever So if you're not cremating You should consider burying them in a local cemetery and there are public and private cemeteries too and the public cemeteries

[25:35] Just like public schools are absolute disaster scruffy tombstones leaning and heaving limited almost zero maintenance and gardening People and even street people wandering through at all hours But then again when you're dead, you're dead and the plots there are extremely cheap and as far as we're concerned nearly free Now, of course, there are many very beautiful lush plush Exquitely manicured private cemeteries too, and they're really ridiculously inexpensive compared to similar plots up in the states I'd say they're about a third to a fifth the cost of similar plots back home Now as far as funeral homes in latin america, there are really three different types the very high end the medium and the very low end In fact i've seen just recently complete pre-paid funeral packages advertised

[26:23] For as low as 500 and i'm talking complete That won't get you the plot in a cemetery, but it'll get you the complete funeral service Including the hearse of the procession to the cemetery by the way unlike in the states here in latin america You can always tell how cheap or expensive a funeral service is by the type of hearse and funeral caravan You see driving down the road on the way to the cemetery Now, I know most all funeral homes up in the states have nice late model hearses spic and span in perfect condition Well, you'll see that in high-end funeral homes down here too But in the medium and low end funeral homes, you'll often see really old school hearses and the accompanying funeral fleet Slightly even more than slightly faded scratched and dented with lots of those vehicles dating back from the 70s 60s even 50s Nothing wrong with that, but they just can't seem to keep them pristine especially in the smaller towns out in the boonies

[27:13] I've on occasion seen a procession out of the corner of my eye and thought I caught a glimpse of the monster mobile with grandpa monster driving So if you're into restoring old vintage cars, man, there's a gold mine down here Oops, I just noticed the time we're getting to the end of the show now So i'll continue with this next week Stay tuned You've been listening to the expat files living in latin america If you need some help with your own plan b we can schedule a one-on-one phone or skype consult Just send me an email the expat files at gmail.com And if you want to get on the waiting list for my next week-long expat insider seminar in central america Where you're guaranteed to get a two to five year head start on your plan b. Send me an email the expat files at gmail.com No spambos