#1126 – The Expat Files: Navigating Life, Roads, and Identity in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came up to play and now that I wonder Hello there all you ex-pat wannabes I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America the show that tells you just what it's like to live Workplay and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started Remember in the last show we were talking about how when expats first get down they go through that honeymoon phase It could last a couple of months and during that time everything's wonderful perfect and fine Even though all those third world country defects are up front in your face

[00:46] You know the potholes the missing manhole covers. Yeah, if we talk about missing manhole covers well, we should because it's truly a phenomena and One of the main reasons you don't want to drive at night now, you might ask why missing manhole covers Well, because they're heavy metal and they're worth some money at the scrap dealer I think the last time I checked the municipality pays around two hundred dollars for metal manhole cover and the scrap value is maybe 25 bucks and it's definitely a two or even three man job to heist one of those things though Thankfully with technology improving they've got very heavy thick plastic manhole covers. I've been seeing those around lately And they've got no scrap value. Well, maybe they do but it's only a couple of bucks not worth the hassle really by the way That's another reason I always say if you're gonna buy a car get something with a beefy

[01:35] Suspension like a pickup truck or a small SUV Something like a Toyota rav4 fits the bill nicely though Every car company has a car in that class if you have a pickup or an SUV or even a mini SUV You tire and suspension will survive an open manhole hit unless maybe it's a direct dead center hit The up is true. I see many gringos driving the wrong kind of vehicle for the conditions In fact, that's one of the very first serious mistakes I see newbie gringos and expats make when they buy that first car There are a few basic rules you should follow when you buy a car and most newbie gringos and expats are clueless about it They just select a car like they would if they were up in Cleveland and down here in Latin America The road conditions are just not the same. I know I know you hear all about the infrastructure up in the state falling apart

[02:23] That's why Biden's got that trillion dollar infrastructure bill going through Congress right now. Well, if you look at it, it's not about infrastructure at all It's about pork What else is new but you knew that already, right? Even so no matter how bad you think the infrastructure is up in the states You ain't seen nothing yet not until you get down here and drive aside from massive potholes in the occasional Missing manhole covered you've got steep curves with no guardrails and or blown-out guardrails that remain crumpled Long after the accident wiped them out. They've got unmarked sections of roads that are under repair those nasty concrete Tumelos everywhere though at first when they're new you can actually see them They normally paint those things white or yellow so you've got advanced warning when you're coming up on it But after a few years of tropical rains and people bottoming out on them

[03:10] The paint gets scuffed off and no one bothers to freshen it up And now unless you're used to that road know it you've got no advanced warning at all That's reason number two why unless you know the road you don't want to drive at night On top of that you got trucks buses and cars passing on curves and when there's a double line Seems I've never met a Latino who knew what those lines on the road meant, you know Intermittent white lines solid white lines intermittent yellow and solid yellow double yellow. Well, they've got those down here, too Sometimes but no one seems to know what they mean people just don't know the rules and it's as if they never took a driver's test and a lot of them haven't because in most Countries you could just outright buy a license. You've heard me talk about that before by the way Many roads have no center lines at all. Speaking of cars and driving. Here's something we all can relate to how many close calls

[04:00] Have you had in your life while driving and traffic? Well, we've all had them. They pop up here and there Don't they one sheer way, you know, it's a close call as if you have to slam on your brakes, right? and luckily for most of you guys living up in the States that rarely happens and Sometimes when that happens, you have to stop for a second and take a few deep breaths We've all been there, right? Well, you know what for some of us living down here in Latin America, especially in the big cities You have so many close calls and traffic. You don't even need to stop and take a breath It's like being at a constant war a battle you get used to it almost which reminds me the other day I took a taxi and you know, they've all got an ID card somewhere You can see the guy's picture and his name and everything. Well, this guy's name stuck with me. His name was wanderer Rodriguez wanderer w a n d e r e r I'm

[04:48] Thinking what the what were his parents thinking? Where did that come from? And is that the kind of name you want for your taxi driver? Stranger yet. He's the second guy I've met this year with that name wanderer By the way, according to a number of studies on what it takes to raise Successful kids in the world today and I'm reading this from the Guardian It says parents with successful kids tend to give their kids bias proof names You got that bias proof names It says a host of research data shows just how much your name can affect your lifetime success Well, we all knew that it says from your grown-up kids job higher ability to your grown-up kids spending habits Hmm, let's see perfect example that machine gun Kelly guy

[05:33] I mean really whoever heard of him before he hooked up with another toxic loser media star I think it's Megan Fox or Megan skunk something like that You know with his name his neck tattoos and his face piercing clearly before winning that I'm famous for doing nothing lottery He was headed for a standout career as an Amazon warehouse employee, but where were we? Oh, yeah I'm talking about those studies that it says career wise people with names that are common and easy to pronounce For example have been found to have much more success later in life. Oh I know that's so on PC to say but it's absolutely true funny How these days people don't like the truth when it conflicts with their own ideas anyway in another related study? I'm looking at it right now It says one in five modern American mothers feels a thing called namers remorse

[06:21] You got that namers remorse And if they could do it all over again would have picked another name a more common name for their kid or kids Of course this study was done in the States not in Latin America in Latin America They don't do those kind of studies not yet. Anyway, but I'd really like to see one Anyway in this American study of regrettable baby names, they've even broken it down further Says here in the study of 245 mothers who regretted the names They gave their children mothers with name remorse 12% always knew it was the wrong choice 3% knew from the moment the child was born 8% knew within a couple of days and 32% knew within the first six weeks and 23% of the mothers began to regret their choice when their children first started nursery or primary school

[07:10] Now get this one mother explaining that her child's name was taken up by a terrorist group soon after she was born Oh, no poor kid Now honestly my take after living 30 plus years in Latin America and hearing so many crazy ass Latin American names I honestly think that many Latino parents and this goes for first world American parents, too They put more thought time and effort into naming their dog than they do their kids I could be wrong, but that's my take on it. I also feel and this is terribly on PC, too I believe most parents should never have had kids All you have to do is take a look at the rap hip-hop and reggaeton videos and you'll know that's true By the way, how would you feel getting into a taxi where the driver's name was? Wanderer Put it this way you better absolutely know your destination or have a lot of cash on hand

[08:01] But I digress. Where were we? Oh, yeah talking about gringos and their mistakes when they first get down here One of them being buying the wrong first car that is buying the wrong car for the conditions You're gonna encounter on the road now There's another really common discussion I get into all the time with newbie gringos When they finally had enough for the roads to traffic and of course the totally useless traffic cops We don't even seem to know the rules of the road themselves Unlike what you're used to you'll see traffic cops standing on street corners. Just be Essen with each other With cars and motorcycles breaking traffic laws right in front of their eyes and they do nothing about it You see cars make an unauthorized u-turns with the cops standing right there Motorcycles running red lights three and four people on a bike riding on sidewalks and going the wrong way down one-way streets

[08:48] The cops see it. It's right in their faces, but they don't flinch And as you might imagine all that traffic chaos and law breaking eventually gets to us That's gringos and expats and it becomes a big topic of discussion at any gringo get-together There's a pattern though, and it usually goes something like this a gringo gets his first car It's new or lightly used because we like our cars nice Psychologists say for most of us it's an extension of our personality. So anyway you get down here you buy your first car It's in great condition bodies perfect paints perfect And usually within the first couple of weeks come a series of little dings bangs and scratches You park your car in a shopping center a gated lot you come back with your groceries There is a ding or two by the key slot in your door Where the last guy parked next to you opened his door and banged you or it could be someone side swiped you with their shopping

[09:35] Cart or the usual suspect Motorcycle guy weaving through traffic making your door or your side view mirror all that stuff adds up and gringos get frustrated None of us like a dented or scratched car So we take it to the body shop and it's dirt cheap to a hundred bucks or so and it's good as new again For a couple of weeks or months anyway couple more weeks or months pass rinse Repeat your back at the body shop again you drop another couple hundred now You're getting to know the body man by name I remember when I got my first car a red Suzuki Vittara. I had it in the body shop three times the first year Sure, it wears you down But in time you get sort of used to it you get a thick skin and to a point throwing the top those ever Accumulating little dings scratches and dents don't rally up as much anymore. In fact

[10:21] I've heard many longtime gringos and expats say it's different now I just let that stuff accumulate maybe take the car into the body shop every year or two Instead of constantly going through that body shop revolving door I just wait till the dry season rolls around and take inventory now Some might call that going native because you'd never let that happen up in the States Back when I lived in Chicago if you had a dent or scratch in your car and you didn't get it fixed within a couple Of weeks people kind of judged you for that especially the ladies you didn't dare take a girl out on a date You lost points certainly That's why I guess after I'd been down here to Latin America five years and my brother came down to visit me He brought that old feeling back home I forgot all about how Americans judge people by what they drive When I saw him sort of staring way too long at the scratches and dents and my fenders

[11:10] I thought maybe I had gone a bit native and didn't know it But if you don't let go of that feeling regarding your car, it'll drive you nuts So anyway, there's that discussion you almost always seem to have with newbie gringos and expats about terrible traffic road conditions bad drivers and listless Lard-ass cops to a person. They all say why don't they just enforce the traffic laws here? That would solve a multitude of problems. What's wrong with these people? Well, guess what every once in a while no matter which Latin country you're in if you read the papers or look at the news media Suddenly some new politician with a bug up his ass says we're gonna enforce the traffic laws But get this it won't be all the traffic laws. That would be a monumental task. Instead They'll pick out one or two like speeders Or they'll announce they're gonna stop and find everyone who's not wearing a seat belt and by God within a week or two

[12:01] There'll be roadblocks set up checking cars and finding people for those things But the effort always peters up within two or three months There'll be fewer and fewer roadblocks stops and checkpoints and things will revert right back to the normal level of chaos It happens all the time Still you hear most every newbie gringo say why don't the cops get off their dead asses and enforce the traffic laws? That would solve everything plus they'd have huge amounts of money in their coffers to pay off all their government debts It would be nothing but a win-win. Why don't they do it? Are they thick-headed and stupid? As if there's any doubt to how you should answer that question. After all we are talking about governments here The thing is though as more than one gringo was pointed out if the cops start cracking the whip on the traffic laws

[12:47] What else are they gonna crack the whip on? Anyway, there's just no continuity or will behind law enforcement Which is in a lot of ways what I really like about living in Latin American Why it's such great plan B destination as much as their governments try to be first world even in the big brother sense They just can't pull it off That is with the exception of course of those Latin American countries ruled by dictators Like Venezuela and Cuba and we know how that's working out But seriously there is a way to completely modernize the traffic police the roads and even train up Latin American car and truck drivers to an acceptable degree of competence and As a secondary effect pay off all the government debts. I've thought about it a lot and here's the solution Now I may have mentioned this on an expat file show a long long time ago

[13:33] Probably eight or nine years ago now if I did it's worth repeating because I still hear newbie gringos and expats going round and round endlessly whining about bad drivers terrible traffic idiot lard ass cops, etc, etc and Always and I mean always the gringo and expat solution is enforced the laws Well, you just heard how that turns out an edict comes down to the cops They're off to a great start and in three months the thrill is gone. The wheel is gone They're back to bottom of the barrel homeostasis the chaotic steady state. All right, here's the solution Now I realize in all of Latin America. There's only one country where this could happen right now They could get a traffic and cop cleanup plan off the ground instantly That would be an El Salvador where the president president bouquet has such high

[14:20] unprecedented popularity numbers up in the 80 and 90 percentile He could get almost anything done almost anything pushed through Congress He could make it happen and that plan according to me. Here's how it goes First the basics now, you know in big cities up in the states my jammy, Chicago, New York Los Angeles There are very large Hispanic populations, right and the police forces in those cities are representative of the population In other words, they're a nice mix of white black and Latino and that includes the higher ranks of police officers, too You've got white black and Latino captains lieutenants commissioners That means of course, you've got lots of retired highly decorated fully bilingual Latino Let me emphasize that fully bilingual Latino captains lieutenants, etc

[15:06] Etc and a lot of these guys retire young and their 40s and their 50s I mean in most police departments throughout the states you could retire with 20 years in So the plan is a Latin American president like bouquet puts out the word to all retired bilingual high-ranking officers of a Latino descent up in the states He puts out the word that he's recruiting for a cabinet level position his job He'd be in charge of the entire police force in that country and that guy that u.s Gringo recruit would be able to put together and hire his own hotshot team of bilingual Retired American cops. He might have a team of let's say 12 guys each one in charge of a different division of cops and law enforcement Look, you've got city cops national cops transit cops The police academy and training centers for cops the motor vehicle and licensing department, etc

[15:55] Etc. The only way to straighten out the terrible chaos that exists in all the police departments here in Latin America today Including the largest morons and pinheads in the transit division. You just can't clean up one department It's got to be a coordinated effort And the thing that really gives it a high probability of success is that these guys will be of Latino descent So they know all the structural problems that exist within all the third world Latin American countries Yet their first world people who are into organization and details and they bring all that to the table That's exactly what's missing in every single government branch and being bilingual themselves They all have relatives in one Latin American country or another Yep, most if not all bilingual Latin Americans up in the states have close relatives somewhere south of the border and they visit places

[16:42] South of the border with regularity So it's not as if they'd be jumping in the pool without a life jacket Oh, and of course that new cabinet member would be getting a nice big salary all cabinet members do even in shithole countries In fact, everyone into gringo expats of Latino descent all the time They make their mark in the states retire and come down here to live You see it all the time So many of them after they retire in whatever career up in the states end up moving down They know they could live the life rally in Latin America on a small percentage of what would take up in the states besides that There are just so many places in Latin America that are tropical Paradise's in fact that my expat insider seminars I almost always have retired first world people of Latin American descent many of them second and third generation Americans not just blue-collar people either a lot of them retired or nearly retired professionals looking to make a move

[17:32] Yep, their first world all the way But they're looking for a retirement plan B in Latin America and they've got a huge leg up because they speak Spanish Maybe they can't write it, but they can sure speak it There was always mom or dad or grandma speaking Spanish in the old house back in Cleveland So even second and third generation latinos up in the states pick it up by hook and crook man I'll tell you as a young kid. I was a dummy. I took French instead Spanish Anyway, bottom line it would take a really strong president like bouquet and El Salvador to enact a plan like the one I just laid out and if you think it's a pipe dream or I'm a little bit nuts for even suggesting it I talked to quite a few retired cops about it when I did their eyes lit up. They thought it was a great idea Unfortunately the ones I talked to they themselves were not of Latino descent So they personally didn't qualify but thought for sure if it was ever publicized properly and the word got out

[18:23] There'd be tons of takers Which leads us to this quick email from Alfredo He says Johnny since occasionally you talk about gold and silver and your hip to it I was wondering if you had any tips about those places that will store your gold and silver for you I'm bringing it up because I've been reading there are places in the Cayman Islands that have old established firms that offer storage options Then he says well, there is the argument that if it actually isn't in your possession, you don't really own it I'm cognizant of the confiscation Problems with Uncle Sam as well as if the word gets out in the hood The local methods will have you in their sights any thoughts Johnny. I'm looking at goldback crypto as well Signed Alfredo. Well Alfredo. I'll tell you I've been into coin collecting You know those little blue coin books where you slip the nickels and quarters in there since the 1960s

[19:12] Well, my dad my uncle Bernie got me started because they were filling up those coin books themselves and Alfredo I'll tell you you're right about the fact that if word gets out that you got coins around or a coin collection or gold Or silver whatever you are at risk of having that stuff nicked In fact, that's what happened to my dad his security defect was that he left his coin books under a stack of boxers in his underwear drawer and eventually all of us kids in the family knew about it and When his silver dollar collection in those little blue books started disappearing one by one I had a good idea which one of my siblings was Nick enough Even now dozens of years after the fact the family gets into arguments about it So with my dad's collection, it was simply a case of rotten worse than rotten security Now as far as storing your gold silver platinum Whatever with one of those bonded registered companies, even if they've been around a long long time

[20:01] You have to be a real trusting sort to think someday there couldn't be a fly-in that ointment Personally, I'd never think of doing that myself On top of that most of those services are outside the USA as they should be because the US has Compascated gold in the past Remember Roosevelt did that in the 1930s. He made it illegal to hold gold and you had to turn it in Anyway, I know there are private storage vaults in Canada Cayman Islands Singapore, etc Now imagine you had it there and you wanted to take possession of the stuff they'd have to pack it up get it bonded pay insurance on it and ship it to you and Then if you're in the states or wherever you are, it's gonna get stuck in customs and you're gonna pay duty on it They're gonna ask you a million and one questions. For example, they never would have asked you years ago when you bought the stuff

[20:48] Like what was the origin of the funds you use to purchase it and what if like me and many other young guys who bought gold You just went down to the pawn shop every month or so and bought an ounce with cash Back when it was 200 to 300 bucks an ounce. Come on How are you gonna prove the origin of the funds you use to buy that stuff? It's ridiculous That's why the whole world is shifting to crypto. It's peer-to-peer moves instantly and there's no middleman Think of it. No shipping costs. No taxes insurance and all the risks associated with transporting heavy precious metals from country to country But Alfredo, I'm not saying you shouldn't own any gold and silver. I have some though. I'm not actively buying any at all I'm just holding on to the stuff that I had way back in the 90s It's a good hedge and a little diversification, but I'll never buy any more again

[21:34] I know I know people always say it's a proven five thousand year old inflation hedge but just remember the so-called metaverse is coming and that means everything and I mean Everything is gonna be in the cloud online and 3d virtual reality And crypto is a perfect fit for that whereas gold silver platinum and the precious metals They don't have much of a place in that future I know that thought doesn't sit very well with old guys and baby boomers, but all the old guys and baby boomers I know who are geeks nerds and IT guys some of those guys have gold and silver too They all knew eventually the fiat system would crash and governments would print and inflate and run the fiat system into the ground Like they always do so before crypto came along gold silver and platinum and real estate were the only things you could invest in

[22:22] That were consistent hedges against inflation But again all the nerds geeks and IT guys I know I might add the smartest guys I know a lot of them a lot smarter than me even the old-school ones and baby boobers They aren't looking to buy any more gold and silver when they invest they do it in land Housing and crypto. So then what about the stock market? Well, everybody with half a brand kind of knows it's hot air QE and stimmy money a big bubble looking for a pin Alright changing gears now. We've got a cool email from Georgie girl. Hey there Georgie girl She has a title for this email to it goes like this You don't successfully transition to Latin America until you're truly accepted by your neighbors She says Johnny ultimately one of the real maker break factors in a country is whether you're able to get along with the locals

[23:10] Sometimes known as your neighbors. You may well get by for a while if you simply seek out local expats But ultimately you'll interact with the broad population and eventually you'll pick up on those little clues You'll be able to read them to see if you're truly accepted as a good neighbor She says if you are to be truly happy in your new place It will be important to be not only able to tolerate those neighbors, but actually like them or most of them anyway She says Johnny is the exodus from the first world begins to unfold and people start flooding down here What we're seeing is smart people escaping to the third world and ignorant uneducated people moving to the first world Sadly, but predictably there is a reverse brain drain The question is and you might not like the answer are the general IQ scores and SAT scores

[23:59] Getting higher or lower in your own state-side hometown I think most of us are afraid to hear the answer to that one The trend in my hometown Atlanta is not toward brilliance But toward mediocrity minus a few points if you doubt what I'm saying ask yourself Are there more young adults buying houses and starting businesses in your hometown or are more of them moving back in with mommy and daddy? Then she says good thing most boomer moms and dads kept the room the same and didn't take down the NSYNC and Duran Duran posters She says sometimes I really think boomer parents were not so much nostalgic but clairvoyant But the main question here Johnny is once you move to Latin America Are your neighbors gonna be your friends or are you just gonna ignore them and never even find out what their names are?

[24:47] That seems to be the status quo in many suburban US neighborhood So, how about it? Are your neighbors your friends? You don't have to hang with them But do you even know their names until you've lived in Latin America or lived in a Latino neighborhood up in the States? You just can't imagine how friendly Latinos really are with few exceptions They'll always give you more than the time of day I said with few exceptions like when gringos have piled or trampled in and taken over a place Alright me Johnny here, Georgia girl sounds like you've been to Costa Rica Then she says it sounds like a cliche But if you get in the habit of going out of your way to help others, you'll be richly Rewarded and triply so in Latin America, but it's all up to you. She says you may have to make the first effort The payback though is almost immediate

[25:33] Then she says I have friends who live in Uruguay They were advised by their Latino next-door neighbors after the third month of living there that you're one of us now and they meant it That's not to imply. It's all hearts and flowers for gringos next pass with a play and be By contrast there have been many reports from places like Costa Rica for example People say it doesn't matter how long you've lived there to the locals. You're always still that gringo residents in gringo saturated places will back this up with tales of recurrent burglaries and theft and an Inability to gain satisfaction through the legal system that goes for Panama She says where I've lived locals have not forgotten the many sins of the Americans during their years of the occupation from 1903 to 77 old-timers remember when the US bombed and invaded Panama City in the 70s just to oust old pineapple face

[26:23] Noriega still she says there are many Latin countries where the opportunity for acceptance of Gringos goes beyond what could be reasonably expected. This is particularly true in the Caribbean and most of the rest of Latin America It's that gringo advantage you talk about Johnny, but it is withered and nearly dead in tourist zones It's true the gringo welcome mat is different in each country But truly on a higher level in Latin America than anywhere else in the world So again, the question is will you truly be accepted? Well, you might never know it if your Spanish sucks in that case You'll have a hard time even reading the faces of the people whether the subtle facial expressions match the words You'll never know if your Spanish sucks. That's part of the problem most maybe 90% of gringo expats never truly learn enough to converse on a personal level and The gringos and expats that complain they never feel like they truly blend in or are accepted

[27:13] it's funny they're always the ones that hang out with other gringos and speak English almost exclusively and Sort of expect the locals to conform to them not vice versa It's sort of a shame when you see that and way too often you do anyhow Johnny keep the show is coming I have listened to everyone signed Georgie girl You've been listening to the expat files living in Latin America If you need some help with your own plan B We can schedule a one-on-one phone or Skype consult Just send me an email the expat files at gmail.com And if you want to get on the waiting list for my next week long expat insider seminar in Central America Where you're guaranteed to get a two to five year head start on your plan B Send me an email the expat files at gmail.com