#904 – The Expat Files: Navigating Language, Culture, and Safety in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came out to play and now as I wonder Hello there all you ex-pat wannabes. I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started You know the longer you live and hang out in Latin America, the more you realize many many things are lost in translation Especially when you first start learning you're Spanish. Most things just go right over your head So when you're talking or listening to someone you're lucky if you pick up the gist of what the guy's saying

[00:49] That's enough lots of times gringles and expats will admit that once they've got the gist of what the person's saying All the other words just fly by like a jumble But you know this lost in translation stuff is not a new thing and for proof that the language jumble started Around 500 years ago here in Latin America I mean pretty much the day Columbus landed and saw the first of what he called Indians Talk about a screw-up with massive unintended consequences So in honor of that major screw-up, I offered this little tidbit that you just won't believe but I assure you it's a hundred percent true In fact, I just read this little tidbit the other day in a very scholarly work Yep, believe it or not. Some people still read books I do once in a while and our very own captain mango. He sucks up books like a vacuum cleaner

[01:35] In fact, he admits readings one of his many addictions and we'll leave it at that. Anyway, listen to this. It was early spring 1519 exactly 500 years ago Hernan Cortez and his men had just arrived off the coast of the Mexican mainland The conquistador ordered his men to bring one of the natives to the deck of the ship Where Cortez asked him the name of this exotic new place. They'd just found the man responded My ukataan which the Spanish conquistador heard as the word ukataan Close enough Cortez then proclaimed that from that day onward the ukataan peninsula and any gold it contained Belong to the king and queen of Spain and so on and so on

[02:20] However, four and a half centuries later in the late 1970s linguists researching archaic Mayan dialects Concluded that the word my ukataan actually meant I do not understand you So each spring thousands of American University students celebrate with wet t-shirt contests Foam parties and jello wrestling contests on the beautiful beaches of the I do not understand you Peninsula Let that sink in for a while Then the author of the book says confusion isn't limited to spring break in Mexico We all fall into this trap For example, the guy says one night over dinner a close friend mentioned that her favorite Beatles song was hey, dude Hey, dude Alright, there you have it. Think about that the next time you take a cheap package vacation to Cancun to loom

[03:12] Playa del Carmen or any place on the beautiful. I do not understand you Peninsula Oh and by the way when the author mentioned his friend's favorite song was hey, dude That just reminded me the fact that it makes me cringe when I hear Latinos say dude or awesome Even more than when gringos say that stuff and you know, it's the unfortunate Consequences of the Latin time lag effect that when some stupid ass u.s. Fad word or phrase or fashion statement finally and thankfully fades out up by you and Cleveland and Milwaukee Due to the usual lag time. It's only just starting to kick in here in Latin America And it's not just the word dude and the a word. Let's talk about ass crack pants for men. Now. There's an uplifting subject Hmm. I've been seeing so many moronic guys with their underwear popping through

[04:00] Especially if you ride the subways here in Latin America, man That ass crack pants fat is everywhere which begs the question. How did that happen? And why not women? Why is it only young stupid guys are sporting ass crack pants? Obviously is because women are smarter than the average street moron and you know, I asked myself all the time who would find that attractive proctology students colonoscopists Still when you see that revolt and development, it's a 100% guy thing Hey now, there's a unique theme for a sociology master's theses, huh? The rise and fall of ass crack pants Guys with those things really it's like having a badge that says I'm a lifetime member of the minimum wage club If you know what I mean, oh and by the way speaking of Mexico

[04:46] I'm sure by now everyone's heard of that horrific incident where that Mormon family was massacred Officials are saying that was simply a case of mistaken identity I mean really haven't we had enough of those horrific stories coming out of Mexico. Listen, I'm just so sick Talking about how fucked up Mexico is and why I'd never want to live work play and or do business there Except for you know, the occasional great all-inclusive package deal to Cancun But really I've told enough stories on this show boots on the ground stories from people in the thick of it Who've seen horrible things firsthand now? I have to admit if this latest incident doesn't convince you to look further south I'm talking south of south of the border. I guess you Mexico lovers out there are suffering from some grand delusions I know I know I get the emails all the time saying yeah, but my little community is great

[05:36] I love it here and all that bad stuff. Well, it's in other districts in other cities But let me just ask you to ponder this one question Projecting into your future where you're living or planning on living in Mexico. Is it gonna get worse or better? Well, I'll tell you no one I mean no one I've ever spoken to who lives works plays and or does business in Mexico Whether gringo expat or local has seen any signs of things getting better only worse and worse and worse. I Rest my case, but I digress. What are we talking about? Oh, yeah lost in translation. Here's something interesting You know the other day I was talking to a Latino English professor teaches at one of the big universities in Panama City In fact, he's head of one of the departments there. He's a pure Latino and of course bilingual

[06:24] I mean he is an English professor and his English I'd say 98% with an accent and you know We got to talking about how Latin Americans are absolutely in love with US Hollywood movies and television programs coming out of the states and he was talking about how there's a big industry in Mexico City Translating and dubbing those things into Spanish, you know I remember some time ago probably three or four years ago now where I mentioned that Latinos and Latinas are addicted to the Retired-assians just like so many millions of mental midgets up in the states And if you were listening to the show I did way back when you probably remember me saying that there's one lady That had been doing the voice of Kim retired ASEAN and that for some reason after a few seasons They switched to another voiceover lady and people got pissed

[07:12] They were outraged turns out all kinds of complaints and comments flew out on the internet saying hey, I don't get it What happened to Kim's voice? Something's definitely wrong. That's not her Same thing with the Disney characters and those famous Disney movies talk about job security For example, there are a group of people in Mexico City that do the voiceovers for practically everything take Leonardo DiCaprio There's a guy that's always called in to do his voice every time he puts out a new movie And of course, he's usually called on to do a lot of other male voices, too But you know certain famous stars Brad Pitt George Clooney and the female stars too man talk about job security if you're the voiceover person for a particular actor or actress like a Superhero in one of those Marvel movies turns out as his or her star rises or falls. So does your career

[08:02] Strange but interesting. However that Latin bilingual English professor I was talking to had a very different take on it Although everyone in Latin America loves when Hollywood movies and TV programs come out from the states dubbed in Spanish He said it's inadvertently dumbed down Latin America I didn't get what he was saying at first, but it made sense when he spelled it out He said Latin Americans have always been in love with Hollywood movies and TV programs even back in the 50s and 60s They were watching things like The Lucy show Flintstones Twilight Zone, but back then there was no such industry to dub the voices. It was all subtitled You know the words and letters appeared at the bottom of the screen and you read along as the actors spoke their lines in English And you know a screen goes we're picky and we never went along with that

[08:49] That's why most of us could never sit through a subtitled foreign movie not even some classic highly acclaimed Fellini flick Well, the professor pointed out the fact that today's generation of Latinos the ones that were born in the last 20 or 30 years They hardly ever have to read subtitles anymore. Whereas the generations before them. That's all they did was read subtitles He said that's why the older generations of Latinos the ones that are grandmas and grandpas now They all know some little bits of English the real basic stuff anyway That they picked up watching TV listening to the words in English and reading the subtitles Stands to reason they were kind of forced into learning at least some English then he said fast forward to the kids these days They've had none of that So they're absolutely at ground zero when it comes to English and he finally sees him in class

[09:39] Which is why you could walk up to a seemingly modern first world looking Latino Who's a teenager or 20 something and they know almost no English at all except yes No, my jammy took son because of the car not the city and nice to meet you Whereas you just might be in a corner Tienda or at a bus stop standing next to a scruffy looking old guy in a beat-up cowboy hat and he just might throw a few Words of English at you because he grew up in the era when movies and TV were in English with Spanish subtitles And you know after thinking about it. It's absolutely true I've been in many settings when old-timers who look like they never get to the big city They just raise corn and driveway chickens yet. They can speak a little English Then you meet the 12 year old school kid Supposedly taking English classes too and they know fewer words than their old man

[10:27] In fact, I learned a long time ago when kids take English at public school here chances are you won't be able to converse with Them they're just not absorbing it or being taught it the right way Same thing happened to me with my high school French back Then you had to have a year or two of foreign language to get into university And it really was one of the biggest errors of my life that I didn't take Spanish I selected French because it was a class loaded with hot girls So then why not Spanish will the Spanish classes back then were loaded with Mexican kids who knew it would be an easy Yeah, I mean they knew Spanish already from their parents and grandparents at home Whereas with the French class the girls outnumbered the guys something like 9 to 1 So then you might wonder why well, the French teacher was a really handsome guy Extraordinarily classy good personality great dresser all the girls were in love with the guys

[11:17] So a few males in the class didn't have a chance Yep, that's why when you're a kid or adolescent you're often forgiven for making stupid or moronic mistakes like that Now the craziest thing was years later the French teacher got caught in a compromising Position with one of his male students whose father just happened to be a social studies teacher at the same school So in the end of poop hit the ventilator the teacher got fired But they gave him his full insurance and retirement package for life Why because he signed a statement never to go to the press and reveal other things that were happening in that school Amongst the students and teachers so I'll bet anyway Those were the dark and dirty days of everyone being in the closet and to this story I must add the fact that when I first went to Europe to try to demonstrate my prowess in the French language

[12:05] And I hit Paris none of the Parisians would give me the time of day They acted as if they didn't know what the hell I was talking about Gave me the snotty stuck-up nose in the air treatment every time So I just quit trying out my French and stuck with English They were still snotty about it, but at least they responded when I spoke to him and friends didn't even answer Hey, don't get me wrong I really like to visit France, but it would be a much nicer place if there were no French people Though I'm strictly talking about the big cities like Paris, Nice, Marseille Whereas out in the Boonies and in the wine country things are a lot different The French are much more open and nicer But man do they smoke their asses off and I have to say there doesn't seem to be a single nose or ear hair Trimmer in the country, but I digress as usual man Sorry about that. Oh and one last thing about being lost in translation now that University bilingual English professor

[12:57] I mentioned he's Latino He once again confirmed something I mentioned on a previous show not too long ago that even very smart highly trained bilingual Latinos Don't understand black people when they're speaking in everyday street language In fact, he told me some of his friends in Mexico City who do those translations They don't know how to translate some of those passages they see in movies and TV either So then what do they do? Well, they call on some of their black friends in LA They just phone them up probably what's up when things just get lost in translation. For example, what's up my n-word I'm here hanging at the crib. I use that exact example with the English professor guy He just shrugged his shoulders and said nothing And remember this guy is a University English department head. Yep. All I said was what up my n-word

[13:44] I'm hanging at the crib. In fact, I just stuck that in Google Translate and the Spanish translation is Que paso mi Negro Estoy colgala in lacuna, which means how's it going my black? I'm strung up on the baby bassinet Not even close not by a long shot. All right enough said about that All right before I get into a very interesting boots on the ground story. Allow me to plug my seminar Yep, my next Exped Insider seminar, which will be in Guatemala and El Salvador will start January 10th 2020 that's a Friday night and will end Thursday night the 16th for complete details and sign-up information. Just go to www.the Exped files comm then click on Johnny's seminar link or go to

[14:31] www.the Exped files comm slash seminar and remember all repeat offenders And I've got some signed up already receive a thousand dollars off the regular price And if you're coming down as a single looking to save $750 off the single price I can almost always promise that I'll find you a roommate So if you're looking to save some dough by having a same-sex roommate, yeah I think that's the best way to go same-sex by the way, how many genders are there today? 65 and counting right man. Am I glad I don't live up by you to me That's just 65 more reasons to get the hell out of Dutch, but that's just me Oh and don't forget if you're gonna apply for Guatemalan residency while you come down to the seminar You have to add an extra week to your trip during that time You'll meet with our seminar lawyer open a bank account go down to a couple of immigration offices. Don't worry

[15:20] He'll hold your hand through that the whole time by the way If you are applying for residency that is killing two birds with one stone come into the seminar and applying It'll take you about a month Sometimes a lot less to dig up all the paperwork you'll need in the state you happen to be living in right now There are those outside cases where it takes a month where you do it all by mail though Most can get it done in a week or two. In fact one guy from New York a repeat offender He did all of it in one day Riding his bicycle through the streets of New York hitting all the proper government buildings and certainly the green lights, too Oh, and I should mention once again We've superseded the John Galt trips with four Special boots on the ground trips that you can choose from if you plan on coming early or staying on a few extra days And or if you're applying for residency and you have to stay on for that extra week

[16:07] Although some seminar attendees who choose to stay on longer They like to set their own schedules and plan their own adventures themselves in that case our logistic coordinator Rita will help you out with a really nice itinerary and then you could head off on your own either way staying on a few More extra days really helps the experience. You'll make more friends more connections, et cetera, et cetera And of course a lot of attendees like to check out the housing in the rental market because they plan on coming back a lot Of them go to the dentist our recommended guy Especially if they know they need some extensive work You know already by listening to this show that whatever you pay for Dentistry and other medical procedures up in the states you pay about a fifth when you come down here for exactly the same thing But then again You just don't throw a dart at the yellow pages or go on Craigslist to find out the proper people to go to and that's

[16:55] What part of the seminar is all about getting you hooked up with the best people the ones we've vetted out ourselves Anyway, if you're coming to the seminar, we'll arrange all that for you, too Wait a minute. Did I say throw a dart at the yellow pages? Talk about showing your age, huh? Though you know since everything's on fake book and Twitter these days I wouldn't mind throwing a dart at mark suck a turds kisser He just has that kind of slappable face, you know, so anyway, I've superseded the John Galt trips and for various reasons I'm no longer recommending the lady who ran those tours Jen bird or Jen Galt that she's known Alright now because I get so many emails on the subject Let's talk a little bit about the mating dating and love romance angle here. For example, let me pull an email from the pile here It says dear Johnny Regarding having a Latina girlfriend and this is from Lance in Maine

[17:42] He asks what can you possibly talk about with a Latina woman who's become your girlfriend? When your Spanish sucks and her English sucks, too It seems like at first anyway, the only thing you have in common is desire and sex Then Lance says Johnny in a long term I really wonder do those gringo Latina or gringa latino relationships hold up in the long run? Or is it best to just view them as short-term adventures and not put too much faith or expect too much to come from them Alright me Johnny here Lance. You know what that depends on what sustains you in a relationship We all have our standards and I know a lot of gringos and gringas who are just happy with a pretty face or body They say that at first and in the end it usually doesn't work out now. Remember Latinos and Latinas

[18:29] Absolutely love kids. The fact is I've never met a Latina at the age of 30 who hasn't had a kid or two unless She's got something wrong with her plumbing She's a nun or she's made some kind of deal with her husband or boyfriend To postpone the happier unhappy event till she's reached her 30s, but generally here in Latin America There's almost no such thing as family planning and I'm not talking about Planned Parenthood I'm talking about actually planning ahead to have a kid, you know figure out the living conditions and finances if you can actually afford to have one That's a discussion that almost never happens here in Latin America even with highly intelligent and well educated Latinos and Latinas Though you might not like hearing that I could give you a hundred examples to prove the point and almost no examples to the contrary Now Americans, you know are good at stereotyping relationships

[19:14] That's why I get emails all the time from people who doubt that Latina gringo relationships can work Or Latino gringo relationships and as far as the idea that because she for example speaks no English and you speak no Spanish That's a negative thing. Well, in many cases, it's just the opposite and bonds a couple even more for sure You'll find in the first couple of months. It's a tremendous learning experience You'll laugh and cry and stumble along and struggle together Sure, there'll be a lot of miscommunications at times, but it'll be a lot of fun. Talk about full immersion It's the best way to learn your Spanish to very best. Let's put it this way You won't have to dish out any dough and spend any time in Spanish class because you got an extremely qualified teacher in the house 24-7 it's trial-by-fire for sure and as much as I hate Google Google Translate will be your best friend

[20:04] And you know talking about the case of a gringo and a Latina Often you'll find the longevity of your relationship will depend on what she studied at school and what she's interested in seems like these Days, all young Latinos and Latinas have some university. Even a 30 year old could be going to university part-time That's pretty normal down here though You will find just as up in the states most of them by far most of them are taking useless degrees like psychology Journalism negocios, which is business administration and tourism tourism is big, but the pay crap Oh and you'll find lots of Latinos and Latinas are taking a career called Contador which means accounting or bookkeeping and some that are going for professional degrees that actually do have good job

[20:50] Prospects like nursing medicine engineering lawyering Architecture though unlike in the states those kind of professional degrees do not guarantee you a high income However, if you find a boyfriend or girlfriend that's taking a career in the hard sciences, you know biology medicine medical technology Engineering computers, etc Well, just like up in the states You'll find people in the hard sciences to have pretty decent IQs and a curious nature So chances are you'll have plenty to talk about However, if you end up with a person who's a homebody with few interests or hobbies You might just be stuck talking about food babies sports American TV and soap operas Nothing wrong with that for some anyway, but count me out as you know I've been down here a long long time and I've dated my share of Latinas from airheads to near geniuses

[21:38] And if you think because Latin America's considered third world, they haven't got some terrifically interesting people down here You're wrong that third world moniker that persists is not because the people are stupid or can't learn or because there aren't a lot of Brilliant ones. It's because the government's suck so badly. They're so entrenched They're so hopelessly polluted with malignant pus bags In fact, they're generational revolving doors for malignant pus bags that it doesn't really matter How many bright intellectuals are in the general population? They just never float to the top in government because most of them don't aspire to that They start their own businesses get on with their own careers, etc In fact here in Latin America, everyone seems to know when they hear someone's working in government it's very likely that person's a worthless piece of a person who most certainly could not make a goal of it in the private sector

[22:28] Sound familiar? For example, just a few weeks ago I ran into a beautiful Venezuelan girl and you know It doesn't seem to matter what Latin country you're in you're gonna run into all kinds of Venezuelan There are millions of them now who've escaped in the last few years and they're trying to make it in another Latin country Anyway, I'm way off the gringo tourist trail almost no one speaks English and I meet this young lady She's 29 and she breaks into pretty good English And you know every time I meet a Venezuelan whether it's a guy or girl I want to hear their story because that's how you get the real truth and not the fake news about what's happening Venezuela Then she told me she had four different clothing stores in Caracas and the government appropriated them You know socialism at its finest nationalize everything then she said, you know to live well in Venezuela You have to work so she got into the clandestine gold business

[23:16] Where you go with cash money US dollars to the gold mines out in the boonies in the Amazon Then you buy pure gold for cash way under the market rate in dollars, which is illegal, but very profitable So she did that for about a year Then the government screwed with the money dropped the zero off the boulevard at the time she was holding boulevards and she lost her investment completely She's a smart one. So then she had a plan to open a business in neighboring Aruba But it was very expensive artificially expensive to fly there by air But she said there was an illegal gray market boat line that you could take holds about 40 passengers You got to wear all black. They only go at night takes about six hours costs around a hundred bucks No running lights at all on the boat. So she did it But in route a storm came up the boat flipped and certainly everyone would have died

[24:03] she said except for the fact that the Venezuelan Coast Guard was very nearby and Suddenly as the boat was about to go down and the water was up to her knees a drone came overhead You know one of those DJI drones and they all got rescued and she said a few days later another illegal boat went out She was supposed to be on that In fact, she was the only one from the boat that almost sunk that didn't take the next one She decided to dig up the money to get the air flight Well, that boat went out a big storm came up again and all but five of the 40 on board died That was when I learned this lady spoke six languages Spanish English French Portuguese Dutch and Arabic and I said Arabic how'd that happen? She said her brother in Venezuela is married to a Lebanese lady. They call it Lebanon

[24:52] Oh, it turns out there are lots of Lebanon knows Arabs and Middle Easterners in Venezuela And then she said don't get the wrong idea She's not one of these burka wearing Muslim fanatics turns out she's very beautiful She says and has had all the plastic surgeries and works as a model which sort of shocked me who'd have thunk, huh? She said surely if she went back to Lebanon, they'd stoner So anyway, this beautiful smart Latina escaped Venezuela In fact, she'd only been out of her country one week when I ran into her and guess what the very next day her and her Venezuelan girlfriend were robbed by two guys on a motorcycle They just ripped the purses out of their hands as they were standing at the bus stop and there she was a week out of The country no passport. So me Johnny being the good Samaritan. I am I went down with her to the

[25:38] Venezuelan embassy now get this the guard at the door said she needed a police report. She got it We went back then the guard at the door said she needs an appointment But it has to be done online just like they do in the states. You've heard that story before she went online next appointment in December Impossible, right no passport for two months and actually we're talking about just an appointment to go tell the story at the embassy But this Latina was really smart. She would not give up She said I want to talk to the secretary and she did and the secretary took her out in the hall and said you can have An appointment today for a hundred dollars and she paid and got the appointment right then and there Meanwhile, there were 20 people in the waiting room who'd also paid a hundred dollars The secretary had the best job in the world Anyway, so she had the appointment and the embassy council told her it would take two years to get a passport

[26:27] So she got on her what's up and talked to her brother who's living in Venezuela He got a hold of his lawyer and the lawyer said you fly back here to Venezuela with 3,500 bucks, which is ten years salary right now for a Venezuelan and I'll get you a passport in two days So guess what? She's now in Venezuela with 3,500 bucks in her hand and today just today she went to immigration had the photos filled out the paperwork and we'll get her passport tomorrow Yes, burnt Bernie and occasional cortex. That's what happens when socialists take over your country. Everybody's equal equally poor However, if you have the dough you get anything in fact her brother told her that immigration will even open up for her on Saturday Or Sunday that 3,500 bucks buys a lot of cloud Oh, and if you want to know why she's flush with dough right now

[27:14] Well, her 18 year old brother has been scouted as a pitcher by the Boston Red Sox And I believe he's gonna sign a contract for two or three million dollars I met the guy and it's all true and that's why when I run into Venezuelans I always ask him to tell me their story man. You just can't make this stuff up You've been listening to the expat files living in Latin America If you need some help with your own plan B We can schedule a one-on-one phone or Skype consult Just send me an email the expat files at gmail.com And if you want to get on the waiting list for my next week long expat insider seminar in Central America Where you're guaranteed to get a two to five year head start on your plan B Send me an email the expat files at gmail.com