#899 – The Expat Files: Cultural Insights, Safety Concerns, and Expat Life in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came out to play and now I wonder Hello there all you ex-pat wannabes. I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started Okay today. I need your help. I'm trying out a new microphone system Let me know if I sound like I'm underwater or it's crackling or if it's alright or it just generally sucks If you don't give me any feedback, I'll know it's okay

[00:45] I guess Alright, so I was sitting around with a bunch of people at a party this weekend and they all got around to telling some jokes And when it was my turn Got to be my turn, you know, I thought you know, these Latinos are telling some pretty moronic slapstick jokes So let's see. Let's give them one that they can understand So I thought and I thought let's give them a simple one here that might be translatable. Ah Here's one. In fact, I heard this one recently from a expat insider seminar attendee Dave Yep, another Dave and it goes like this. What's the difference between God and a doctor? Give up Well, God doesn't think he's a doctor And you know what sitting around the kitchen table with a lot of educated Latino is not a single one of them laughed Not a single one of them got it

[01:31] I had to explain it to him and you know There's nothing that sucks the air out of the room faster than a joke that dies completely Then you have to back up and explain it that makes it worse Well, maybe there's something when you're in a group that's slightly more embarrassing That would be having an attack of audible flatulence But you know if you get control of the situation, you can always blame it on somebody else But here's the thing even after I explained the joke to everyone. Nobody really got it I still got the blank looks and then I figured it out The pleasant truth is that doctors in Latin America do not have a God complex Like the ones up in the States when you're down here You can prove it to yourself when you walk into a doctor's office He shakes your hand sits down with you and actually talks with you for 10 or 15 minutes before he even starts getting into the medical issues

[02:21] Oh, and there's none of that intermediary nurse practitioner stuff either I mean you actually get to see the doctor right away face to face though Of course doctors down here on manana time So is everyone but certainly no worse than doctors up in the States like my mother up in Chicago always says there's real-time German time which is a half hour earlier than real time and doctor time Which is an hour later than the real time and down here in Latin America The time scale is slightly different than that. There's real-time Manana time which is an hour later and then there's lawyer time Avocado time. Yep. Remember lawyers are called Avogados Just remember Avocado and you'll remember it every time So again in Latin America, you've got the real-time manana time, which is an hour later and Avogado or lawyer time

[03:07] Which is two hours later if you're lucky because it's usually the next day So there you have another great thing about the medical system here in Latin America The doctors do not have the attitude that their feces doesn't stink. They're not what you call down here in Latin America pre-potente or Arrogante that's arrogant though I'm sure there are a few but I haven't met any yet and I've been down here a long long time and I've seen lots Of doctors not personally for my own eels, which I have almost none But you know, I make a lot of introductions for doctors and expats and gringos In other words, there are occasions when I put doctors and gringos and expats together because well When you have a plan B and you land in a Latin country, you have to have your ducks lined up, right? That's what my expat insider seminars are all about getting your ducks lined up for that plan B and giving you that two to five

[03:57] year head start as you transition into the expat life and my next expat insider seminar starts January 10th 2020 that's a Friday and it ends Thursday evening January 16th Oh and I've been doing some website repair and maintenance and adjustment and now you can check out all the seminar details in the sign-up sheet Etc by going to www.theexpatfiles.com and clicking on Johnny's seminar link or Just go to www.theexpatfiles.com seminar This time at the seminar we'll be visiting two Central American countries Guatemala in the Altiplano so you can see what spring like weather is all year round and why when so many gringos and expats experience it

[04:43] They say man, this is the best weather in the world On top of that when you're in the Altiplano you've got almost no irritating mosquitoes or bugs Unless you live close to a body of water and you've got no heating or air conditioning bills either How about that? You know what that means, especially if you decide to go off the grid, you know go solar You can downsize your system by more than half So for example and a lot of you guys and gals up in the states know this already if you have a solar system that Costs you 20,000 bucks up there You're looking at less than half that if you do it down here in Latin America in the Altiplano So at the seminar we'll be hanging in the Altiplano for a couple of days And you'll experience that plus the beaches of El Salvador speaking of El Salvador I just got this email from Mark in Los Angeles

[05:30] He says Johnny is it safe to visit San Salvador and what about going at night to hit the clubs bars? Disco strip clubs and hang out after all the US State Department says to exercise increased caution when traveling to El Salvador due to crime Johnny would I be better off going to another Latin American country to hang? Thanks in advance mark from LA Well mark first off when the US State Department says to exercise caution and maybe it's not recommended to visit those countries I always say the US State Department's filled with a bunch of nosy ass interventionist idiots or as expat Eddie would say US State Department stick it up your cornhole or More politely it's truthful to say that practically every Latin American and third world country in general is on the State Department's

[06:17] Visies list because the fact is they don't want you to be visiting other countries You think they want the sheep to leave the barn? You think they want you to find out what it's really like in some of these countries and then you say hey What a bunch of lying sacks of dung we have in the US government because you know It's true in every medium and large city in the world There are the good the bad and the ugly districts to hang play and work and live it's no different in El Salvador or anywhere In Latin America, that's why you find in every Latin American city including San Salvador Which is the capital of El Salvador people get that screwed up all the time. So did I for a long long time? It's El Salvador. That's the name of the country in San Salvador the capital city And I'll tell you in San Salvador the capital city There are some real Poop hole neighborhoods in some neighborhoods that look like Beverly Hills and how can you tell the difference beforehand easy?

[07:07] Ask a taxi driver or just take a drive and explore for yourself Oh and another easy way to tell let's say you're scouting places out from up in the States and you're doing it from the internet Well besides looking at the photos a great way to tell is by what people charge for rents For example, take practically any big city in Latin America Guatemala City, Tegucigalpa Honduras, La Paz, Bolivia, Bogota or Medi in Colombia If for example, you're gonna pay five or six hundred bucks a month for a little house or a two-bedroom apartment You're gonna be in a pretty decent nice safe area However, if you're searching the rentals in a local paper or on olx.com, which is the Craigslist for practically every Latin American country And you find rents for 200 bucks a month for a small house or two-bedroom apartment

[07:52] I can guarantee you you are gonna be in a not so nice poop hole area I mean look, let me ask you this What kind of neighborhood would you be living in if up in a medium or large-sized city in the States you were paying? 200 bucks a month for rent. First of all, you'd be living in a cardboard box You're not even gonna find anything decent for 500 bucks a month in the average US city In fact, I'd say as a rule of thumb if you're paying 500 bucks a month for a two-bedroom place here in Latin America You'd be paying 1500 or more up in the States for pretty much the same thing in the same type of neighborhood and that says a hell of a Lot about the cost of living here So as for the US State Department poo-pooing foreign cities and countries You can almost be a complete contrarian and say when the State Department Puts a country or city on its blacklist. That would be a place

[08:38] I'd want to check out unless of course It's a war-torn country like in the Middle East or a country that's under a virtual dictatorship like North Korea Cuba or Nicaragua Then the US State Department gets it right, but we don't need them to tell us that we get it. We're not stupid. Oh And let's not forget mark from Los Angeles asks if it's safe to visit El Salvador strip clubs at night Well, I'll tell you no matter where you are in Latin America It's not necessarily dangerous If you hit the strip clubs as long as you go to the high-end strip clubs the ones that well You know charge a lot of dough for drinks because like everything else in the world strip clubs come in flavors Good bad and ugly and it's all about the neighborhood and the cover charge and if there's no cover charge

[09:24] It's about the drink prices and how would I know that? Well, hey been down here almost 30 years now and guys do talk for example every medium and large-sized Latin City has a business and high-end hotel convention and conference district and those hotels are chains that have names You'd recognize in a second Sheraton Hyatt Clarion Suites Marriott Marriott Courtyard Hard Rock Hotel You know the usual suspects and naturally since boys will be boys, especially first-world foreigners, you know businessmen flying into town for conventions Including NGO and do-gooder events and such Well, a lot of those guys will be scouring around at night for strip clubs Yup, even do-gooders coming down building solar outhouses for Jesus

[10:10] Especially those do-gooders who are on the top of the heap You know the ones that are on the boards of directors of NGOs and such A lot of those guys are money-hungry two-faced scumbags too, but they can sure put on a happy face You know sociopaths are like turds in a septic tank The big chunks always float to the top in any and all organizations even do-gooder organizations Especially in do-gooder organizations where the records and files are not open to public scrutiny Hey, you can't deny the fact that when guys stick together at conventions strip clubs are often on the bucket list And so in those high-end hotel districts in Latin America There'll always be some high-end strip clubs right in the vicinity and will always be expensive Well, at least as Latin America goes and generally completely safe

[10:55] But when going outside the high-end business hotel district looking for cheap low-end strip clubs Well, I have to say that's not recommended because you see the bars just goes and strip clubs outside of those business Hotel districts are always in scruffy areas that you don't want to live work play or hang out in and when you're in those Marginal areas in the wee hours of the night That's when that low-end marginal cast of characters comes out too if you know what I mean again It's all about the neighborhood and about the price of admission a lot like it is in most other big cities in the world Like the one I have gladly abandoned Chicago. All right, then comes this email from Geronimo. He says Johnny. I am so grateful for your show It helped me get my ass to Mexico living in a fishing village now pretty much in the butt crack of Latin America

[11:43] But compared to what's happening up in the US man. I'm healthier and happier Probably wouldn't have done it without your show By the way, I built cool Technology systems and would gladly build something for you Maybe even pro bono just as a payback then he says Johnny if you ever have an idea of how better tech could make money I'll build you a free prototype peace brother signed Geronimo Well, thanks for that Geronimo glad to know I helped just a little bit in getting your plan B off the ground and then comes this email from mr B who's sort of famous in the hearts and minds of everyone who listens to this show and Everyone who comes down to my expat insider seminar because he does his little spiel showing you exactly how to make 20 bucks an hour Online from anywhere teaching English to Chinese kids with practically zero startup costs

[12:31] All you have to do is have a decent computer and a typical call center grade headset Which will probably send you back less than 50 bucks You could hook up with any one of a number of companies and be online in a couple of days making 20 bucks an hour Teaching English to Chinese kids in China. The only downside being there's something like a 12-hour difference The hours can suck of course that depends if you're a night owl or not So for those of you coming to my January 2020 seminar expect to hear a spiel from mr B how you can do the same thing to although 20 bucks an hour might not sound like much to you if you're living up In the States, but let me tell you that puts you in the upper 5% of earners in Latin America because for the average grunt down Here, you know someone working at a bank a McDonald's shoe shop hardware store even a Walmart

[13:18] The average person makes 20 bucks a day. Not an hour Oh and mr B says you get bonuses on top of that 20 bucks an hour too So think of it if you just work a half a work week 20 hours a week that would work out to 1600 bucks a month Which is a little more than a social security check and you live just fine like a first-world person down here on a social Security check that is unless of course you choose to live right on the gringo tourist trail like in Costa Rica or Panama Then your cost of living is gonna be much higher speaking of Panama and I know I'm digressing as usual here It turns out Panama has a massive unionized sector and they're lobbing right now and calling for strikes If they don't get a huge minimum wage boost by 2020, they want the monthly wage to be a thousand and forty bucks

[14:04] That's twice what it is now. So why am I bringing this up? Well throughout the rest of Latin America 95% of which is off the gringo tourist trail the average minimum wage is three to four hundred bucks a month So you can instantly understand why in Panama that'll blow the lid off the cost of living So if you're thinking about having your plan B in Panama look out But then again if money's no object you can live anywhere But I say why move to Latin America and pay first-world prices When you can play it smart and still live a completely first-world lifestyle on a measly social security chick That's around 1,200 to 1,500 a month By the way One of the reasons I'm mentioning Panama here is because that's where mr B Originally went to do his plan B with his wife and kids he hung on for about a year But found it was way too expensive and guess where he ended up in Guatemala where he's found his niche

[14:55] And he's happy as a clan which begs the question who says clams are happy. How do we know? So anyway, mr. B asks in his email Johnny. Are your lemons in your yard green or yellow? I love those yellow lemons, but there are no trees growing that produce yellow lemons here in Guatemala though Walmart sometimes has them and we eat a lot of lemons then he says Johnny if you're giving away lemons I'll take a bucket signed mr. B. Well, you know, mr. B is referring to the fact I said in a past show that when my lemon trees get to doing their thing, which is most of the year by the way I've got so many they fall on the ground and rot and I end up giving away buckets full. Well, mr B I'll put you in touch with Captain Mango who's in charge of those lemon trees while I'm on sabbatical So then you might ask why is Captain Mango dealing with lemons?

[15:44] Well, let's just say Captain Mango is a man of many horticultural talents well-versed in fruits He certainly knows one when he sees one and coffee, too And for all of you come down to my expat insider seminar The captain will be hanging with us and providing his brand of entertainment as usual And if you're thinking about homestead in it when you finally come down on your plan B You know having a house with a garden and stuff He's just the guy to talk to because that's what he did up in the States before he came down He and his family ran greenhouses for a living selling potted plants and sprouts You know the legal kind to garden centers and grocery store chains, etc So if you're thinking about doing any kind of gardening down here Once you get that plan B going captain mangoes your man and he's glad to help you supply the tequila He'll supply the knowledge. So anyway, mr. B. Yep, all the lemons here in Latin America are green and they are lemons

[16:33] They're not limes though. They look like them In fact, even the word lemon in Spanish is the moon it sounds more like lime than lemon Limon and like mr. B says once in a while you'll find yellow lemons in Walmart But that stuff's imported from states usually, California Where else now that's not to say you couldn't grow yellow lemons, but no one does it in fact more specifically the lemons They grow here in Latin America called persianas. They're Persian lemons. That's what they call them by the way They also have a kind of a lemon down here It's actually orange in color But it tastes just like a lemon and they've got a tree that bears fruit that looks just like a lemon It's called a Lima. That's what the fruits called Lima It can be slightly yellow and the taste well, it's a cross between an orange and a lemon That would be kind of a bitter orange not that I'd want to bite into but Latinos seem to love sucking on them

[17:22] In fact, there's a couple of big Lima trees growing wild on the way to where I live and when they get ripe They all fall to the ground and rot too. That's just the way it is out here Oh and where I live every time I drive out of the place. I go past a couple of big avocado trees I mean big and when they're in season they're falling to the ground and rotten too So when people up in the states talk about the possibility during an emergency of having food shortages and stuff man All I can say is you guys are living in another world Oh and one more thing about yellow lemons the kind you can buy at Walmart once in a while You know everything that's imported to Walmart is sprayed with pesticides, etc In fact, you can always tell when you're in a Walmart or Costco Whatever the point of origin and if the stuff's been sprayed It'll have a little sticker on it And that means if you're walking through one of these gigantic fruit and vegetable markets if you see any fruit

[18:09] That's got a little sticker on it. It's been imported and sprayed now You don't see that often but sometimes with apples because of the climate they cannot grow Perfect apples like they do up in Washington state in the US And so there must be some kind of demand for those things because you see them in the markets once in a while Though usually they're not coming from the US they're coming from Chile since parts of Chile have a California like climate They specialize in perfect looking fruits and they export the hell out of them because they're cheaper than California fruits Of course, they too will be heavily sprayed now speaking of Chile and we don't speak of Chile too much on this show It is a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to necessarily live there myself. Whatever I've been there I found it kind of boring But for some people boring is good right and it's one of the more expensive Latin American countries because it's pretty well developed

[19:00] I'd say living in most of Chile is comparable to living in Bogota or Medi in Colombia And those places have a higher cost of living than most of the places in Central America because they are much more developed That is to say the place is a little more polished to the people a little more educated But let's talk about Chile, you know Violence has erupted there and the place has been so stable for so many years People are wondering what the hell's going on because since the Pinochet days some 30 years ago now The place has been absolutely stable as far as Latin American countries. Anyway, so I'll reach a few excerpts from an article It just came out. Why all the unrest and why now? This article just came out Monday, October 21st starts out saying Protests and violence in Chile spilled over into a new day and raged into Sunday night despite the president

[19:48] Canceling a subway fare hike that seemed to have prompted all the violence Then it says officials in the Santiago region said three people died in fires at two looted supermarkets early Sunday among 60 Walmart owned outlets that have been vandalized and burned with Walmart officials saying stores will be closed until further notice Then it says later Sunday five more people were found dead in a basement of a burnt-out Walmart warehouse By the way, Walmart is Latin America's largest employer Then it says airlines canceled or rescheduled flights into the capital affecting more than 1400 passengers on Sunday and Monday Then it says president Sebastian Pinera head of the South American countries facing the worst crisis in memory He announced Saturday night that he was canceling a subway fare hike and posed two weeks ago

[20:36] It was that fair boost that touched off major protests that included rioting and caused millions of dollars and damage to burned houses buses Vandalized subway stops office buildings and stores meanwhile, there are an extra ten thousand five hundred soldiers and police officers patrolling the streets of Santiago as a state of emergency and curfew remained in effect for six different Chilean cities as Security forces used tear gas and jets of water to try to disperse the crowds then it says Interior Minister Andres Chadwick reported 62 police officers injured with 1,500 people arrested with over 40 instances of the looting of businesses Alright me Johnny here sounds like it's another case of people being absolutely addicted to their subsidies

[21:23] Same thing that's happening in Ecuador right now You know the story of politicians main goal is to stay in office and you do that by promising subsidies and freebies But once they're instituted and the economy starts taking a dive even sometimes into bankruptcy The only way out is IMF World Bank US and Chinese loan which come with their Contingencies like for example get rid of the subsidies and go back to a market economy Which is really the only logical way to go But people love their freebies and subsidies and as we've seen when you take them away People take to the street and of course people are the same everywhere So for example, and this won't happen in the US if a candidate proposed balancing the budget by cutting social programs welfare and such His own mother might not vote for him

[22:10] So what you end up with in all these countries including the US is a perpetual debt machine That can never be paid back and why these systems are doomed to crash and burn and I know you've got the feeling in The house of cards in the States is gonna tumble down real soon, which begs the question. How's that plan be coming? Alright, let's shift gears for a second here. Now before I get into today's boots on the ground story Which I know you're gonna find interesting. Let me give you another reason why I hate Google now We all know they're compiling and collecting every little piece of data you have then they sell that stuff to companies who market crap to you Thus all the crazy pop-up windows and spam But did you know that just lately Google's had a policy of not allowing certain encrypted files to be Transmitted to and from Gmail accounts now I use encryption on occasion

[22:57] It's great for sending private messages and data back and forth But I found out the hard way sending encrypted data to Gmail addresses often doesn't work and you'll get an error message Saying it never made it to the recipient because the email is suspicious So in other words when you encrypt something it's automatically considered suspicious by the Google and Gmail big brother dickheads Because when it's encrypted, they can't snoop you really have to have a non Gmail account However, I know you're almost forced into having a Gmail account because if you don't you can't connect with a lot of other apps You're almost required to have it because that's how they authenticate an account such BS, huh? So I have my expat files at gmail.com account for you know regular radio and podcast stuff

[23:43] And I have a start mail account which is encrypted in a few other email accounts So bottom line just know there's a great possibility you won't be able to receive any encrypted emails at your gmail account So get another one to meet Google and social media is like junk food for the brain But you're almost forced to have them and of course Google searches have transformed the world But you don't have to use them either You can search through start page or duck duck go and it uses a Google search engine and strips off your IP address So they can't track you or catalog your movements and searches Stranger yet, and this is really telling when you use start page or duck duck go for any kind of search You'll get slightly different results because they're uncensored whereas Google Sensors and manipulates your searches, but you know that already right all right now another wild and crazy boots on the ground story

[24:31] You know I take a lot of taxis you have to when you're flying into airports and such you have to get to your hotel Wherever the other day I was in a taxi with a guy I must have been for 45 minutes You get to talking and since it's election time in a lot of Latin American countries He started talking about how terrible politics are how they're all crooks and thieves and then he commented How nice it must be to live up in the states where politics are a lot cleaner and I soon straighten him out on that Anyway when you're with a taxi driver a long time the conversation soon rolls around to do you have a wife a girlfriend kids remember? We're speaking in Spanish now, so they do open up and of course I reciprocate you know what he told me he has five kids He's an older guy maybe 70 years old driving a cab kind of shaky at it to a terrible driver anyway

[25:16] He told me with great pride that he had five kids With five different women and then he turned around gave me a big feces eating grin like ain't I the super stud and in that Very moment I'm thinking and here he's complaining about his country all the corruption and graft and meanwhile guys like him are a big part of The problem too although I have to say in my own hometown of Chicago There are many neighborhoods that practice those same beliefs guys with multiple kids from different women And they don't support any of them only here in Latin America They don't have a welfare and you wonder why they call these countries third world Which is pretty much what the US is turning into isn't it oh and by the way this guy told me two of his kids They're up in New Jersey most likely bringing along with them the same family habits You know the old saying po folks have po habits, but the story doesn't end there about a week ago

[26:03] I had a date with a very beautiful Latina girl who canceled the first date Because her dad died and that was the week of the funeral so later when we caught up I said how'd the funeral go she said it was rough. I said I imagine so she said but not just because my dad died But I had to see the other half of the family. I said what do you mean now get this about two months ago when her dad first fell ill and went to the hospital his wife and three kids came to visit him regularly as Did his other wife and five kids his other family that neither wife? Knew about until he fell sick on his deathbed now this girl's around 30 years old And she told me that it was just two months ago She found out she had five half brothers and sisters and you wonder how that situation could have stayed unknown

[26:49] Even though they're living in a city of five or six million people How was her scoundrel-y skunk of a dad able to pull that off for 30 years and of course my natural response was wow What did the two wives say when they met face to face in the hospital and she said well? They certainly didn't become fast friends, but they got over it and I said well then what's your relationship like now with your new found Half brothers and sisters she said with a smile. I get along well with them It's kind of nice inheriting a big family like that that left these speech lists Which doesn't happen often and now you've heard reason 1426 why they call it the third world, but then again there are certain neighborhoods in Cleveland and Chicago You've been listening to the expat files living in Latin America if you need some help with your own plan B

[27:38] We can schedule a one-on-one phone or Skype consult Just send me an email the expat files at gmail.com And if you want to get on the waiting list for my next week-long expat Insider seminar in Central America where you're guaranteed to get a two to five year head start on your plan B Send me an email the expat files at gmail.com