#859 – The Expat Files: Life, Risks, and Realities in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came out to play and now I wonder Hello there all you ex-pat wannabes I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started. I'm here It's me Johnny caffeinated and motivated. Well caffeinated anyway, it's like I always say, you know, you live in Latin America It's the land of the best coffee in the world. And if you don't drink it, it's like buying a ticket to Disneyland and never going on

[00:46] The rides. Oh and today by the way, I've got a strictly one-of-a-kind boots on the ground story concerning yours truly We'll get to that in a minute or two you're gonna like it But first another little something that could only happen in Latin America, you know Lately, I've been doing lots of travel in Latin America, man My passport pages have been filling up like an outhouse at Oktoberfest in fact in a month or so I'll have to go down and get another one That ought to be good for another expat file story or two You know my philosophy on embassies and consulates American and otherwise if you want privacy as much as you can retain of it Anyway, and that's what I always recommend That means having the smallest social footprint possible I said you should definitely keep away from consulates and embassies unless you don't mind being stamped tag catalog and spied on

[01:33] But there are times when you need to renew your passport So you're stuck and you have to actually walk in and see firsthand how the sloth patrol works and how your money is misspent Oh and just a word of advice before you go to the embassy eat lots of garlic and frijoles That way when they fuck with you, you can get a little back door revenge. No pun intended So anyway been traveling a lot taking a lot of taxis metros subways You know where they have them and Ubers speaking of uber here is something very strange that popped up lately You know how when you request an uber there may be two three or four cars in the vicinity and the price is there And you select the one you want, etc. Etc. Well, it just so happened the other day when I was requesting an uber the usual Two or three car icons popped up and a little icon for a motorcycle popped up

[02:23] Yes, there are some pilot programs going on in Latin America right now where you can take an uber moto It's called uber moto say what? Well, let me tell you it's not recommended But man, is it cheap compared to taking a regular uber car for example on my recent uber request There were two cars one was four dollars and twenty cents for the ride One was 380 and a motorcycle about 20 in the local funny money, of course So just be aware here in Latin America uber moto's are coming to a town near you Of course, they're starting out in some of the big cities first So the question is should you avail yourself of the service or does it just kind of scare the hell out of you? Now, you know how congested traffic is in big American cities

[03:09] Well in big Latin cities, you could triple that pain agony and frustration In fact, it always surprises me why there aren't massive occurrences of road rage down here But it's the Latin mentality, you know, manana time and the subtle art of standing in line Hey now there's a good title for a book or even a master's thesis Zen and the art of standing in line Yes, and for a screen goes anyway, it really does take some Zen better yet How about this title the art of standing in line without losing your mind? Hey, I could write that book I'm the expert. I got my 10,000 hours in But of course you have to be there to experience the kind of frustration and the pointless mental anguish for us Gringos and expats but then for local Latinos, they just grin and bear it, you know

[03:55] Sometimes I think it's genetic programming when Latinos see a line they automatically get in it You know, I can understand why there are huge lines at most government buildings I mean look at the paper shuffling mental midgets who work there But banks have huge lines too and those are private outfits. I don't get it though lines at government buildings They've created a kind of a career opportunity for what they call professional line standards Yep, where there's a line there's a professional line standard a fake do-nothing job to be sure about a job. Nevertheless, I Think the job requires an IQ of at least 65 So George Bush jr. Would get in just under the wire. In fact, I think he speaks a little Spanish that'll give him an edge But I digress. Where were we? Oh, we were talking about uber taxis and the new bad kids on the block uber

[04:42] Motos. Well, as mentioned they'll pop up in certain cities when you're looking to get an uber and you'll see him around town now They'll be wearing a yellow or orange fluorescent vest that says uber in big black letters on the back Oh and you can bet they're gonna get you to your destination Super fast because they will break every rule in the book. Of course that includes the helmet laws Yep, every Latin country has helmet laws and once in a while you'll actually see a motor driver using one Sometimes you'll even see a motorcycle cop wearing one And of course if you select an uber moto, he'll have a helmet for you That's part of the requirement to get on the uber team But don't fool yourself and think the passenger actually uses those things I've seen many uber moto is now zipping around with passengers on the back. Yep. You heard me passengers plural

[05:31] Also pretty normal here in Latin America Anyway, I've seen uber moto is driving around with a client with the passenger helmet dangling from the seat strap Anyway, who would want to use a helmet that had any number of unknown greasy heads bouncing around in it every day You what a revolting prospect, huh? So just a little heads up Did I say heads up to you backpackers and gringo gonna bees and wannabes? I'm talking about backpackers here because no gringo on a normal or decent budget would want to subject himself with that kind of torture Why it's just too damn dangerous. You're taking your life in your own hands. The motorcyclist down here are Absolutely out of their minds and you want to ride on the back one of those things driven by a maniac idiot Just to save two or three bucks. Oh and full disclosure here. I've done it

[06:16] Just in the interest of finding out what it's all about and I'll tell you the pilot the driver was backpacker ripe And of course, I was downwind from the guy won't do that again That said a gringo on a normal budget would think twice before jumping on the rear seat of a rice burner of a guy You don't even know but a backpacker Well, the whole point of backpacking is to get by on the absolute minimum possible By the way, I was just reading an article in Spanish and Argentine newspaper that said get this 87% of all city transit accidents involve a motorcyclist And of course the doctors I know down here telling me all the time that if it wasn't for motorcycles Emergency rooms would be very lonely places. All right moving on now this interesting email from John

[07:03] A lot of John's in this world, huh? A lot of Dave's in this world You know how many emails I get from guys named Dave kind of strange, you know way back when when I was living in Chicago I only remember knowing two Dave's but man since I've been doing this show It's like they're crawling out of the woodwork Can't think of why so many moms of Gen Xers glommed on to that named Dave So while we're on the subject as a tribute to all you fine listeners out there named Dave Let's have a little fun. Just for a minute. Can you tell me where the following bit comes from here? Let me cue this up for you Did I ever tell you that mrs. McCabe had 23 sons and she named them all Dave Well, she did you see when she wants one and calls out Come into the house

[07:52] She doesn't get one all 23 days of hers come on the run This makes things quite difficult that than the caves as you can imagine with so many days and That wasn't a smart thing to do You got it, right? Good old. Dr. Seuss So what's that got to do with anything besides the fact that too many Dave's in the house will probably spoil the bathwater Well, some child psychologists are saying dr. Seuss's books were racist. Yep. You heard me old. Dr. Seuss was a racist That's what some are saying and that they should be banned from public school systems and libraries man

[08:38] What a nutty world we or I should say you live in I don't I live in Latin America Which begs the question did old doc Seuss make the cat in the hat intentionally black? I'd say it was just the opposite. He was always a smart ass wise guy who got over on everyone What about green eggs and ham? I suppose they'll change it to rainbow eggs and ham, huh? Yeah, right and am I glad I don't live up in the states to experience all that horse poop I suppose next they'll change Charlie Brown to Charlene Brown cuz he's not gender neutral enough And how about dick and Jane enough said about dick and Jane? Anyway, it's pathetic. Is that not reason enough to get that plan B going and get the hell out of Dodge So really how's that plan B of yours coming? Are you just thinking about it once in a while?

[09:25] Or are you actually putting one together? Well, you know, it's almost impossible to do it on your own You really need some help in a network And that's just what I offer with my expat insider seminars and the next one's coming up in a month or so Starts on the 6th of July in Guatemala Central America runs for a week But during that week, you'll be drinking from the fire hose It's true. You're guaranteed to get a two to five year head start on anyone else who happens to come down Trying to do a plan B on their own. Hey, and that's not just my opinion That's what attendees tell me over and over again, of course now as this show goes out We're late into May, but if you sign up by June 1st, you'll still get in on the early bird discounts That's five hundred dollars off per person And if you're coming down as a single person and you're looking for a roommate to save even more money

[10:14] In that case with a roommate, it works out to a discount of seven hundred fifty dollars per person So how do we set that up? Just give me a shout out before or after you sign up and we can usually hook you up with a like-minded person Of course, a lot of people come down to the seminar and stay another week They go to the John Galt post seminar trip and or at the same time apply for their permanent or temporary residency in Guatemala Now here's a little advice You know It seems like every time you turn around one of the Latin American countries have made some changes with their permanent and temporary residency programs They almost never make it easier unless it's a bureaucratic mistake I'm telling you they always give you more hoops to jump through and residency programs do not bode well for the future The United States is making all sorts of side deals with Latin American countries because you know

[11:02] That the US funds a lot of programs in Latin America So who do you think the skunk-ass Latin bureaucrats bow down to they're always sucking up to the US for the skim And as it sits right now the US State Department the IRS and the Treasury Department They're worried about the flight of dough out of the country Wouldn't you with that huge 20 trillion dollar debt? They got to keep the sheep in the barn a lot of the big movers and shakers are getting the hell out of dodge and Little guys in the know like you and me are doing it, too Now the best way to pull it off and to be safe in the long term is to get residency in a foreign country That way when the poop hits the fan up in Boston and Cleveland You're settled in your new country And you don't have to leave every 90 days like a tourist my point is if you're not on the road to residency right now You better start thinking about it soon the doors are closing and I'm seeing more than a few warning signs on the horizon

[11:53] I know you want to have a plan B, but we all do procrastinate. Don't we? Then once you get down here if you want you could go native and procrastinate all you want just like the locals It's funny seems like every Latino I know in every strat of society has a manana style procrastination gene I know I know we all go through similar phases up in the states But this residency plan B and getting out of dice thing is really getting towards the 11th hour It really should be topping your priority list Anyway, one of the best ways to get your plan B ducks in order in a hurry is to come to my Latin American Insider seminar just go to www.thenewexpat.com and click on Johnny's seminar link All right enough said about that and enough with the Dave's let's talk about John's email He says Johnny as an avid listener to your podcast

[12:42] I saw a very interesting new development on the southern border between California and Mexico it seems like the US federal government California is now going to start stopping cars on the way out of the country as they pass through the border and go to Mexico Which is kind of scary. Then he says definitely people need to get a plan B together Luckily, he says I have dual citizenship So I just need to figure out how to get a sustainable location Independent income going myself and I'm on my way signed John then he linked me to this article It says border southbound inspections begin It starts out by saying beginning at 7 a.m. Tuesday, May 7th The US Customs and Border Protection's office the CBP will begin operating four new inspection boots

[13:30] installed between the ten lanes of Interstate 5 South in the direction of Chaparral, Mexico This was information obtained from the General Services Administration The US Customs and Border Protection officers will reinforce the revisions They are carrying out in a random manner The article says to detect possible traffic of money weapons or violations of migratory norms in traffic Going to Mexico as well as to try to detect fugitives of justice Then it says the Office of Customs and Border Protection say that car searchers will be a valuable tool with the aim to meet The objective of having border operations smart effective and strategic without it says affecting the regular flow of traffic

[14:18] Yeah, right. Did you ever see an aerial view of that border station? Hmm fat chance and here's the most worrying part It says with the new infrastructure and the checking of cars flowing south to Mexico Personal biometric data will be registered and maintained With an official press release from the department calling the new technology quote another milestone unquote in the construction of an efficient and safe Traveling inspection system then it says the director of operations of the US agency Pete Flores announced that at first Inspections and revisions will be a complete surprise to the vehicle operator and of short duration He said there will be no great impact on traffic flow Yeah, right insert Mexican donkey. Hee-haw laugh here

[15:08] Alright me Johnny here for you drivers going to Mexico that doesn't sound good So if you're up for a little border and custom control physical and or sexual assault by all means take a chance You can roll the dice and plan on a road trip to Mexico and make no mistake about it It is sexual assault because it's really defined as a non-consensual pat down of the privates, right? Now the sticky thing is you say you consent to the pat down But it's under duress because they won't let you through unless you give them the nod which is not at all What you really want to do same with air travel now to me the most ridiculous statement is when the office of Customs and Border Protection and inspections people say it will significantly Increase the costs of narcos etc doing business

[15:53] In other words, they're saying the shakedowns will cost the narcos more dough cuz they'll have find new ways to evade the measures To which I always say there's a huge hole in that argument How is it they'll catch a traveler with two joints in a crack pipe at an airport and lock him up? Meanwhile law enforcement experts point out that about 10 tons of cocaine per year are confiscated at the Mexican border That's about 2% of what gets through. So looking at 500 tons of cocaine slipping through the border every year That would mean dozens and dozens of semi-trailers just chucked full of the stuff getting on through. Hmm. How'd that happen? Well, I'd say you've got a whole network of corrupt US border agents that are looking the other way and getting paid for it Of course, meanwhile the stoner at the airport who forgot he had two joints in a crack pipe in his best pocket

[16:41] He gets nabbed and three to five in the slammer. I just don't get it. Actually I do and you do too All right now for a little boots on the ground story That's gonna make you laugh now if you live in Latin America You'll find out soon enough that there are three ways of getting a driver's license After all if you've got a driver's license from Minnesota or Ohio, it's gonna expire sometime Which is why I always advise people who are getting their plan B going to go down and get a new license That way it'll run some years before it expires with most days in the US It's five years with some 10 now It is true that even if your legit US license expires, it'll work a long long time afterwards here in Latin America The fact is you could have a driver's license That's two three four even five years expired in if you get pulled over for whatever reason

[17:30] Especially when you're off the tourist trail the cops can't speak English They'll look at it and give you a pass simply because you've got the gringo advantage going for you However, it's not at all a good idea to be driving with an expired license because if you get in a car accident Even if you have insurance which I always recommend the insurance won't pay out Now if you were to get an accident up in the states and your driver's license was expired It would cost you thousands and you just might go to the slammer Whereas here in Latin America the worst you'll get is a small fine In fact, just about a month ago a gringo friend of mine got pulled over at one of those roadblocks He didn't have a license on him at all But the car plates and fees were all up to date So they just wrote him a $40 ticket for driving without a license then they waved him on. Yep They continued to let him drive on without a license. This is Latin America

[18:20] You know now you might ask why didn't he just straight out bribe him? Well problem is you see at one of those big roadblocks There's lots of cops and you usually can't bribe your way out when there's a big group of them around It's kind of a private transaction and the cops like to keep it that way speaking of bribes being a part of life with officials here in Latin America as Mentioned previously there are three ways to get yourself a Latin American driver's license number one You can pretty much ask any male latin adult if he knows someone who knows someone who can get you a license Fast and cheap and guess what usually for 50 or 100 bucks you can get a fantastic looking Completely foolproof driver's license with your photo fingerprint and barcodes on it and everything and it'll fool everyone Even the cops until they run the numbers back at the station or through a barcode scanner

[19:10] Now nobody knows how many of those fake licenses are floating around throughout Latin America, but I can tell you this There are certainly hundreds of thousands, especially in Latin countries that are not very sophisticated That means ones that are off the gringle tourist trail For example, take Guatemala Honduras or El Salvador If you're ever stopped by the cops at a roadblock or you're in an accident or anything The first thing you'll notice for now Anyway, is that they've got no way to actually scan your license and check it out with the home office Etc. Etc. In fact, I was talking to a policeman just recently and he said yeah Very soon. We'll have that kind of equipment then we could check the licenses and papers and cars online in real time You get it They haven't even got the equipment that was available in the US and in the first world some 30 or 40 years ago

[19:58] And then you go to countries like Columbia, Panama, Costa Rica and most of Mexico countries on the gringo tourist trail They can if you get stopped check your numbers in real time right there Just like they do up in the states. Welcome to Latin America. You gotta love it, huh? Oh and by the way, then I said to that cop Why don't you just use your own phone and take a picture of the barcode and send it down to the station house And let them run the numbers for you. Well, he gave me a puzzle look pause for a second and said that's a pretty good idea Hmm, man. What did I tell you Latin America? You gotta love it Anyway, I know gringos and experts who bought those fake licenses If not, just to have a backup document, even if they weren't real. All right now a disclaimer here

[20:43] You know, I'm not saying you should do anything illegal at all But think of the possibilities if you were to buy one of these licenses and give a completely different name Just hypothetically wouldn't that be a nice way to stay way under the radar Suppose you needed to get a mailbox or let's say utility hookup or internet service not trying to give you any ideas here I'm just telling you what lots of smart gringos do who are trying to stay way under the radar For example, there are lots of very secure buildings and offices when you walk in you have to get a tag And you trade your driver's license for a tag and that tag allows you to use the elevators go to various floors Government buildings are all like that. It's a professional in commercial buildings, too Well, I don't know about you, but I won't give them my real license

[21:29] Remember, they're gonna have that thing for an hour or two or three. However long you're in that building You never know what they're doing with it. Probably nothing But there's always room for as they say dirty deeds done dirt cheap Let's just say hypothetically if you have a fake license like that Why have it in your real name or have your real birth date or address just thinking out loud here? I'm not advising you do anything illegal I'm just here to report on how some astute gringos and expats do things once they land here in Latin America Which brings me to method two out of three on how to get a driver's license in your preferred Latin American country Well, as you heard me say in past shows you have to have your residency to get a driver's license in most all Latin countries We're talking about a legit registered driver's license by the way to get a legit registered license first

[22:18] You take a written exam then generally in most but not all Latin countries You'll get a temporary or learners license which like the temporary licenses up in the States and Europe You could only drive during the day with some other restrictions, etc The next step is to get an appointment at the driver's testing station and you'll get in the car With one of the instructors drive around for five or ten minutes and you pass or fail sounds easy enough, right? Well, let me tell you there's a big time scam going down at almost all drivers testing stations in Latin America It goes like this when it comes time to take the road test and won't actually be on the road It's usually in a giant parking lot attached to the driver's testing station with orange pylons all over the place, etc To test your turns and parallel parking and such anyway

[23:04] It'll cost you anywhere from 20 to 100 bucks depending which country you're in to take that on the road test And here's the scam almost no one ever passes the first time Many don't pass the second or even the third time mostly women. So here's the scam soon as you fail the first time You know, you got to come up with another 20 to 100 bucks two weeks later because that's the time frame They give you when you can retake the test Well, let me tell you what happened just a few weeks ago when I was with the young Latina lady who was going through The process. Well, we went down to the driver's station sat around for an hour. She took that on the road test It only took about 10 minutes. She walked out sad face She flunked it but she knew she would she told me very few people passed the first time Well, we got back to the parking lot into my car a guy in a military uniform

[23:53] This was a government parking lot So the military guys around walked up knocked down the window and said hey When you come back in two weeks to retake that test I can guarantee you'll pass it But it'll cost you 40 bucks and the girl said sure what do I have to do? Then I said, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Where's the guarantee? He said come back at 8 in the morning in two weeks He gave me the 40 bucks then and I'll tell you what to do And of course, they exchanged what's up numbers now, I wanted to see this so I went back with her He was in the entrance guard station when we drove in he walked over to the car He said don't give me any money. Just walk with me Then he made a phone call walked us into the building told her which line to get in She paid the government road test fee again, which I think was 60 bucks

[24:39] There were a number of instructors and cars there a guy walked up to her an instructor He said don't say anything about money or anything about this transaction at all while we're in the car Because we're on camera and sure enough when she got in the car She saw there were two dash cams of course who knows if anyone was watching but they had cameras in the car He passed her with flying colors She walked out then she came back into the building where I was and within a half an hour They took her photo and she had a permanent driver's license And as we walked out to the parking lot the military guys sauntered up to us He leaned his head and arm into the driver's side window, and she handed him the dough. What a nice scam, huh? They just hold the thread over you that you'll just fail over and over again unless you fork up the grease or the bribe

[25:26] Now we were there a long while and I'd walked out into the parking lot a few times and had a chance to talk To that military guy I asked him do a lot of people do this He says almost all the women do because he said they'd get nervous and we've got plenty of reason to fail him over and over and man I'll tell you Latina I was what she was just overjoyed to get that little piece of plastic her real license And it never once went through her head that the whole thing was nothing but a setup So that military guy is accepting who knows how many bribes a day maybe ten fifteen twenty And he's got a few people in the department on the take so he's spreading that dough around now Here's the kicker when you first walk in the building. There's a big sign It's the first thing you see it says in Spanish of course in huge letters Pro he be though. I mean it's prohibited to give any kind of incentives gifts money

[26:15] Or whatever type of renumeration to inspectors giving practical driving exams And then when you walk up to get the paperwork and fill it out There's another sign that says virtually the same thing and in the room you take the written exam Another big sign and you guessed it. There's one in the crapper and the Latina girl told me There's a sign in every car too right on the dashboard the signs are everywhere They make a big deal about it and for sure that's why they've got cameras set up inside the testing cars yet They've got a slick workaround. Oh and by the way if you want some proof of this just send me an email the expert files At gmail.com, and I'll send you photos I took of the thou shalt not bribe the government slug signs post it everywhere Oh and about the third way to get a legal driver's license well you go to a driver's school pay a hundred bucks

[27:03] They take you through six or seven classes, and they guarantee you the license It's part of the bribery process too when you go down to the driver's testing station the testers have already been paid off by the Administration of your driving school, so you never fail you always pass on the first round Oh and later that night the military guy sent a nice What's up message to the Latina and he said get this so nice to meet you have a nice night The ospendiga may God bless now wasn't that nice to him? You've been listening to the expat files living in Latin America if you need some help with your own plan B You can schedule a one-on-one phone call with me But first download my free plan B questionnaire at www.the new expat.com Better yet if you want to get your plan B going from right up there in the states

[27:49] Just sign up for my 9-hour expat essentials course get the perfect plan B blueprint by going to the expat files.com Academy those famous