#816 – The Expat Files: Mental Health, Culture, and Travel Challenges in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came out to play and now as I wonder Hello there all you expat wannabes. I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started How about this for a nice short and sweet email? He says dear Johnny I live in Latin America, and it's just great for gringles and expats if you're not stupid So what he's saying is Latin America is great, but it's not for dummies

[00:47] I'll go along with that as for emails. Sometimes they're just a sentence long sometimes five pages Hey, I get a lot of them and I read them all But how about this one dear Johnny? I'm 49 not married actually divorced No kids and have a vasectomy and I spend all my summers in Latin America Life is good. On the other hand all my married and divorced friends And of course, I mean the ones living up in the States, man. Do they have problems? Then he says every single one of my old college and high school buddies my real friends Guys from back in the day, but I still see a lot of them. They're divorced some of them multiple times They're loaded down with debt and are on all kinds of meds Oh, and did I mention every single one of them hates his job though? They won't admit it out loud. That's too defeatist

[01:38] Okay. All right. I'll admit full disclosure here Johnny. I hate my job too, but I'm working on that pension, you know Actually, I don't know a single teacher who doesn't deep down hate his job But teaching has its compensations that two to three months off a year I'm pretty much the only one in the group who doesn't have kids so I get to travel a lot all summer long Mostly to Latin America and my friends. They're all jealous. They all have teenage young adult kids They're still supporting so they can't afford to travel not outside the country Anyway, problem is there's certainly been a big change over the last few years in their personalities, too They're not the positive optimistic guys. They used to be all right me Johnny here again

[02:23] This is I didn't tell you this guy's from upstate. New York. He teaches at SUNY SUNY University Anyway, he says all my married and divorced male friends are broke and a few of them even suicidal One of my very best friends who didn't seem any more depressed than anyone else Offed himself just a few weeks ago. Then he says Johnny when someone close to you checks out like that and wasn't good health and all Physically anyway and psychologically who knows we all go through those bad periods But when it happens to someone close to you You start doing some soul searching and you read a lot of things and check a lot of youtubes And here's what I found out three times as many men commit suicide as women Those are the stats for the US for people who are in physical good health

[03:13] Then he says three times as many men offing themselves as women. Where's the equality there? Where are those social justice warriors when you need them? But seriously, Johnny the irony is Actually two times as many women intend to kill themselves. That is they try to off themselves But don't succeed because they try to do it the soft way with pills Or in the car in the garage with the ignition on and the doors closed or that Cliched old head in the oven thing. So the fact is guys are just so much more Successful and offing themselves when they put their mind to it. For example girls women They won't get drunk and jump off a hundred-foot bridge guys do that Almost none will pull a hemming way and stick a 12-gauge shotgun in their mouths

[04:01] But us men man when we want to kill ourselves were usually successful at it. However Women are not at least hypocrites. I'll give them that Most hate guns so much even the suicidal ones won't buy one or borrow one and go out with a bang some psychologists say it's a vanity thing they want to check out looking good a shot to the head too messy and ugly you'd be Surprised how many women dress up get their hair done and put the makeup on then down a bottle of Zoloft Aside from the question of vanity if you're really dead serious little pun there Why not use a gun at least then you can help out the feminist anti-gun lobby by becoming part of the national gun murder stats Every little bit for the cause helps, right? But I digress like you Johnny. I have a question

[04:49] What about suicide in Latin America? And what about cringles and expats owning guns in Latin America and the gun laws for civilians Then he signs off as mr. Natural would say keep on trucking Johnny Mr. Natural only baby boomers remember mr. Natural Anyway, he signs his email natural Nate Hmm Nathaniel, huh? Come on. What mother names your kid? Then he got his ass kicked a lot as a kid What's wrong with parents? Anyway, don't they know that some names they give kids are like waving a red flag at a bull Where do you think the word bully comes from bull as in total? All right, a couple of quick answers for you natural Nate crazy thing is you almost never ever hear about

[05:38] Suicides here in Latin America and believe me when there is one it's usually on the 6 o'clock news They're big news because they're that rare and I've been known to watch the 6 or the 10 o'clock news here in Latin America For the local news anyway, and I read the latin newspapers I've probably only heard of three suicides in my 27 plus years down here And I don't know those people. I just saw them on the news. Why do you think the numbers are so small here? I don't know, but I could hazard a guess maybe it's the happiness thing And even though large segments of the Latin population are what we call dirt poor They just don't have the kind of stress people have up north nor the pill popping and as for psychiatrists, man There's no demand for shrinks here. So it's got to be true that when Latinos get depressed

[06:26] They don't get depressed enough to off themselves There are plenty of ways and means to do it, but they don't even though Latin tempers flare and women are always catching their men cheating on Amazingly enough with all those machetes around you never hear about Lorraine Bobbitt style revenge tactics Yep, it's true 99.9% of all latin homes from the rich to the very poor have at least one razor sharp machete around the house And it seems everyone down here except expats and gringos know how to use them and about Nate's question about gringos expats And guns here in Latin America Well, let me tell you in most latin countries if you have your residency you buy a gun or a lot of guns Except ironically of course in the countries that have the most gun violence like Mexico there even if you're a resident

[07:13] They've made it almost impossible for gringos to get a firearm just like up in the states places that have the most gun homicides Like Chicago have the strictest gun laws, but isn't it funny all those large-ass crooked malignant politicians Who make those laws have bodyguards who are pack-and-heat by the way everyone who comes down to my expert insider seminar Will get my detailed report called guns knives and cops in Latin America. It's very thorough I'm always updating and I think right now. It's up to ten pages long But I only give it out to seminar attendees and people who do one-on-one phone Consultations with me. Oh and speaking of razor-sharp machetes every single latin person I know has multiple scars on his or her body

[07:59] Many many more scars than the average American has I can tell you that and it's not only Because when you first start out using a machete, you're gonna make a few mistakes Hopefully not fatal ones, but it's the fact that Latin American children go outside and play like baby Bloomer Americans used to do in the 50s 60s and 70s That'd be BTI before the internet I'll tell you Latin kids play hard and rough like we used to do back in the day Unlike the soft bubble protected pansy-ass kids you see making love to their devices 24-7 up where most of you guys live if you were to take a drive-through practically any Residential area in Latin America, you'll see kids outside playing running around chasing each other Rastling with the dogs and the driveway chickens climbing fences and trees having a good old time and getting scarred up in the process

[08:50] I mean, that's what happens to kids, right? Well back in the day Anyway, if I was to make a guess I'd say the average latin kid no matter what Socioeconomic class has four times as many scars than the average American kid of the same age and it's not just because every kid learns to use a machete and you got the trial and everything going there and The fact that kids are actually allowed to play like kids outdoors But also you'll find a lot of the very big scars the long deep and dirty ones are due to the fact that so many Latinos probably 80% of the population spend some time on motorcycles or use motor taxis Of course, every country has regular taxis even tuk-tuk's but most land countries also have a low-end taxi service Consisting of mainly slightly crazy young men without licenses on badly maintained motorcycles

[09:40] Of course, it's all about the money because you know a five dollar cab drive will only be a buck and a half on a motor Taxi and you know the old saying if you have a motorcycle or you ride one even infrequently It's not a matter of if you're gonna crash your wipeout. It's a matter of when oh and here's the story You know, I've emceed a few beauty pageants in and around Latin America And I've noticed up close even the most beautiful girls the ones that win the beauty contest have scars But they know how to cover them up and hide them once I remember asking one of the contestants how she happened to get that particularly long and nasty scar on her leg I figured it was okay to ask because at the time she was rubbing some kind of cream or lotion on it to fade it

[10:25] Out for the upcoming competition She said when she was around 10 her cousin boosted her up a tree to pick Avocados or something and she fell down on to the edge of a fence with barbed wire on it Oh, then we got to talking about scars and beauty pageants And she said every girl's got scars some a lot worse than others and everyone's got their tricks and ways to paint them out At least for the competitions. Of course, it's genetics, but also the darker the skin the worse the scar Then she told me her worst scar is in her scalp her head Thankfully her hair covers that big gash with ten stitch marks in it Then she tipped her head grabbed my hand and made me feel it. Oh The sacrifices I make to do this program

[11:13] Then I said how'd that happen? She said you really want to know I said sure she said well I was working at get this forever 21 in a big first world mall in Panama City She worked until 9 got out and hailed the taxi what they call a public taxi Those are kind of the scruffier looking cabs compared to the white cabs or yellow cabs Which are more expensive and they're on a certain route like a bus. They don't go all over the place Public taxis are cheaper because they pile a lot of different people into them people You don't know you just don't hail one and you're the only passenger I guess that's why they call it a public cab because you never know who you're in there with She said she never gets into a public taxi alone with just a driver Too many nasty stories and rumors you can imagine she said young girls

[12:01] Especially you know it's best to get into one of those taxis if there are a couple of older women or older men in there Already anyway, she got out of work Walked up to a public taxi saw there was an older lady 50 or 60 ish in the back seat So was totally safe So she thought she got in as they drove a couple of blocks Another guy got in the front seat pulled out a gun and said this is an assault Una salto and as it turns out it was a setup the older lady in the backseat was in on it She's the one that grabbed the young girl's purse from her Then she opened her mouth and said to the older lady. How could you be doing this? You must have daughters or granddaughters. You wouldn't want that to happen to them Then she said the older lady became furious and started slapping her in the face and the young girl started screaming

[12:50] They were at a stoplight. It was at a busy corner So the guy with the gun panicked because she's making a lot of noise and he hit her in the head with the gun She shut up. All right, but her blood was gushing everywhere Then the light changed they pulled up another block and pushed her out of the car But as luck would have it there was a cop car right there. She screamed at the cops there when it was down They hurt her they chased the car caught up to him two blocks away And now those two guys are in prison the driver doing three years and the guy with the gun four years and the woman Somehow got away. She ran through the park and disappeared the moral of that story use a well-known Verified taxi company or uber just know that in any Latin City there will be pirate taxis They look different than a yellow white or green taxi from a regular company

[13:39] Almost always a bit banged up and scruffier without taxi cab numbers or symbols on them What about Latin America being the land of sharp machetes every once in a while But not often you hear about someone who's been hacked up with a machete Of course, you hear about it all the time with the narcos up in Mexico But with the common folks the only time you hear about that kind of violence is when there's a love triangle gone wrong, man I'll tell you jealousy is on steroids here in Latin America Which is why as I've heard so many Latinas tell me when they have a husband or boyfriend They keep close tabs on him They'll be on him like a hawk checking his phone and his what's up for messages Quizzing him on his step-by-step movements when he's out of the house or out of sight and for good reason

[14:25] You've heard me say this before I don't know a single Latin American guy Not a single one that hasn't cheated on his wife girlfriend or significant other In fact, I might have mentioned this before but it's worth repeating I once asked an upscale Latin guy very good friend of mine Excelled in lead guitar and excelled in womanizing too. In fact three weeks after his marriage She was already cheating on his new wife I said to him how do Latin guys know when they've met the woman of their dreams the one they want to have their kids with And spend the rest of their lives with he said Johnny your true love match is the one you feel really terrible about After you've cheated on her Hmm Alright shifting gears a bit

[15:11] Let's go to the you can't make this stuff up department now for all you listeners who've Traveled a lot taking a lot of flights here and there you can always you call at least one most Unpleasant experience when things just didn't go right flight delays cancellations bad weather lost luggage Screaming kid in front of you Oh difference flatulent guy with bad breath hacking away in the seat right next year you travel enough There will be times things don't go smoothly at all That said just got an email from a Canadian lady who had such an experience. I just kept to tell you about it Anyway, miss D booked a flight from Toronto, Canada to Guatemala with a layover in Costa Rica Where strange things happened along the way and I'll paraphrase add

[15:58] Subtract and add my two cents anywhere. I feel like it because I can Anyway, she starts out by saying hello, Johnny. I've arrived in Guatemala and guess what I found out from a local I'm a Canadian that's whiter than rice or so I was told yesterday by some guy on the street in Spanish, of course, and finally I did arrive but what? Show Along with what was supposed to be a short few hours trip I ended up being stranded in Costa Rica for two frickin days You see Johnny the airline I chose flew Toronto to San Jose Costa Rica to Guatemala City But due to poor visibility and by that I mean a terrifying two-hour attempt

[16:45] By the pilots to plunge into pure fog at the San Jose Costa Rica Airport We were rerouted to the smaller Liberia Costa Rica Airport And since it's still Latin America despite how gringo Costa Rica is They were not expecting our plane at all. And so wouldn't you know it? There were no customs officers at the airport in Liberia to greet the 500 or so crazy Canadians who had truly lost their damn minds and their lunches during this crazy ass ordeal Well three hours later, I finally cleared customs and the airline You know had a solid three hours to make arrangements for all of us passengers You'd assume after all that mess there would be food and transportation to either San Jose Costa Rica or a nearby hotel to put us up

[17:37] But again, this is Latin America even in gringo eyes Costa Rica So two hours later the shuttle buses arrived to take us to our fantastic Destination in lovely Tamarindo Beach Costa Rica Now I've been to Tamarindo and it is lovely and the resort was too But it's also a solid hour away from the Liberia Airport when I arrived in Tamarindo with the other passengers The hotel was surprise surprise not expecting us at all So another three hours later, I finally got a room key It was about 930 in the morning now at this point Then the front desk staff assured me that as soon as they got the word from the airline on a time

[18:22] That was set for all us passengers to meet in the lobby. They would call every room and tell us so About two and a half hours went by it was around 12 o'clock noon and they hadn't called me yet So I called down to the lobby and was informed that I'd missed the shuttle They said they called my room, but they didn't their liars in any case I had to take an $80 taxi to the local airport Then I got stuck for a whole hour on the phone with the airline and they told me since I missed the shuttle and the Flight it was my responsibility To make it to San Jose for the connecting flight the following day But they graciously rebook my flight nice of them, huh? Anyway, totally pissed off

[19:11] I made my way to the Liberia Airport fully expecting to have to catch the next flight to San Jose Figuring I'd missed the other plane with the group by a couple hours now and at that point I was freaking out a bit about my luggage. I'm going to Guatemala for three months. You know, I Didn't have anything but bare essentials in my carry-on which was worrisome So I got to the airport and surprise surprise. I was expecting a lot worse. The plane hadn't left yet. So Quickly, they ushered me out to the runway to climb the stairs Which the day before they said were broken and that's why we couldn't deplane that San Jose Airport So I got on the plane and we waited another hour and a half and finally took off with about

[19:58] 80% of the original poor Canadian fools I took off with from the Toronto Airport Then a cool 40 minutes later. We were once again hovering and circling over San Jose Airport and Once again, wouldn't you know it history repeats itself and the plane keeps plunging and climbing and plunging I don't know if you've ever been on a flight that you thought was going down Johnny, but it's anything but pretty People are winding and wailing babies crying people saying the Lord's Prayer all while the plane is Twisting and dropping and jerking. I'm telling you it's no exaggeration. It was just awful Then after two hours of white knuckling it hovering around San Jose Airport

[20:44] The pilot finally announced surprise surprise were headed back to Liberia Airport again What and I'll tell you Johnny when we landed people went wild as wild as Canadians get anyway Hey So once again on the ground at Liberia Airport, Costa Rica The pilots gave us two options either fuel back up for five hours in the air So they would have enough fuel to hover in the event We had to spend another three hours in the air like before Biting our time looking for a window in the fog to enable us to drop down into a runway Well when we heard that 80% of the 80% of us very unhappy

[21:30] Canadian campers that were left screamed out no in way Which left us with option two to take a five-hour shuttle bus to San Jose Airport with no luggage Because the Liberia Airport didn't have a proper unloader to transfer the stuff Unreal even surreal but again this is Latin America as for me I chose the five-hour bus option and Three hours later. I was on that bus to San Jose that had by the way, no bathroom My bus mates were great though for the first couple hours anyway Most got sauced on their duty-free booze Wouldn't you and the craziness escalated when they started pissing into the bottles sure it stunk and one loser actually thrust himself

[22:19] Into me as he walked by that was a highlight for me. I'll tell you Yep, I was with a bunch of clowns and losers. All right I was so happy to get off that bus when we finally arrived in San Jose You know what Johnny the next morning. I actually made it to Guatemala The end amen Alright, I have to say no matter how bad your or my personal bad day layover airline stories are I'll bet you can't top that one now other than actually surviving a crash I have a Belgian friend who can top that story some years back He was in Costa Rica and he booked a flight to Europe and the plane got hijacked to Cuba along the way Hmm kind of strange how people don't hijack planes to Cuba anymore like they used to by the way

[23:08] Here's a little tip for you frequent flyers now you heard me say when I go somewhere for a short period of time Let's say less than two weeks. I'll just pack a stewardess size You know roll on suitcase and bring it on the plane as a carry-on However, if I'm staying beyond two weeks, I'll need more luggage than that and I'll have to still one But in the carry-on above my head, I'll always have a change of clothes bathroom kit light jacket Actually enough personal stuff to get me through at least three days in case they lose my stowed luggage Now in all the years I've been traveling I've only lost a stowed piece of luggage once and they did find it got it to me in a couple of days At least they bring it right to your hotel or wherever you're staying. That's cool You see long ago. I learned my lesson

[23:54] Not because of that single odd time they lost my check-in luggage But from all the times I've been delayed in an airport bad weather mechanical delays Misconnection, whatever and you find yourself stuck at the airport for four six eight even ten hours If you don't have some basic personal items and you carry on luggage After hours of sitting around in that airport in the same damn clothes you wore yesterday You start feeling like a greaseball stanky backpacker. Have you noticed? There's always a few people that look washed out bleary-eyed jet lag They've been stuck in the airport a long long time You see him trying to sleep or get comfortable in those uncomfortable airport chairs or even on the floor all stretched out Looking more like a street bomb than a world traveler that could happen to you

[24:39] And if you travel enough, it will happen to you Unless you got the dough to fly first class and you get the VIP lounge at the airport Which is why in your carry-on you want to have some basic items so you can freshen up when you need to oh and by The way, I've got some news for all you listeners who've been sending me emails about Airbnb Well as it turns out our Canadian friend miss B Whose email I just read is a former real estate agent So naturally when she's traveling she's got her eyes and ears open for real estate deals and knows how to get them She said further down on her email that she's an antique with Guatemala right now and had a chance to talk to a local Realtor and she said it's pretty much the same as doing real estate back home in Canada Except the clients and owners are more flaky in Latin America. That is less serious

[25:29] And of course, she said you earn about a quarter of what you'd make back home But balance that against the cost of living in Latin America, which is so much cheaper Anyway, this realtor said that she started with the first airbnbs in 2011 And it was great because there was no competition in Antigua and they could charge 40 to 50 bucks a night But now closing in on 2019 Airbnb people are lucky if they can get 25 bucks a night So these days there's lots of competition and Airbnb's are everywhere So in this case at least in Antigua Guatemala, which is the most touristy city in all of Guatemala By the way, though, it's most exclusively the tree hugger eco tourist backpacker and do-gooder types You certainly won't see groups of entitled gringo kids mulling around on street corners

[26:19] Wolfing down happy meals and texting away on their iPhones. What a relief, huh? Because being that Antigua Guatemala is a UNESCO World Heritage Site and it's got a ton of Spanish schools There's really nothing for entitled snotty ass gringo kids to do there Because you see places like Antigua Guatemala with a lot of culture and archeologic sites Just plain bore the shit out of American kids and adolescents, but you knew that already Alright, just a little plug here Remember I've got my expat insider seminar coming up in a couple weeks You can still sign up and hang with me and some of my choice expat connections and buddies and get blasted with a fire hose Of information and boots on the ground experiences for a whole week Just go to w w w dot the new expat dot com

[27:06] And you've still got time to get your paperwork together to kill two birds with one stone meaning come down to the seminar and apply For your temporary or permanent Guatemalan residency, too Oh, and don't forget about my report called health care in Latin America how to get first world health care at third world prices It's a hundred pages a real eye-opener. You can check it out at w w w that the expat files calm all one word Slash health care. That's the expat files calm slash health care You've been listening to the expat files living in Latin America If you need some help with your own plan B, you can schedule a one-on-one phone call with me But first download my free plan B questionnaire at w w w dot the new expat calm better Yet if you want to get your plan B going from right up there in the states Just sign up for my 9-hour expat essentials course get the perfect plan B blueprint by going to the expat files calm

[27:58] Academy