Episode Summary
In this episode of The Expat Files, Johnny Mueller dives into the complexities of dating and relationships for expats in Latin America. He begins by addressing the common misconception that expats come to the region solely for romantic reasons, highlighting that many are actually seeking long-term relationships with local women. Johnny points out that these relationships often fail when the expat returns to the United States due to cultural and familial differences. He emphasizes that successful relationships between expats and locals require the expat to commit to living in Latin America permanently. Additionally, he touches on the complexities of relationships with indigenous women, noting the cultural and linguistic barriers that can make such relationships difficult. Johnny also mentions the broader context of indigenous languages in Central America, explaining that while there are many indigenous languages, they are not typically taught in public schools, which can impact the integration and understanding between indigenous communities and expats.
Johnny then discusses the socio-economic challenges faced by indigenous people in Latin America, highlighting the neglect of their communities and the difficulties expats may encounter when dating indigenous individuals. He emphasizes the importance of learning Spanish and the cultural divide that can arise due to language barriers and class differences. He also touches on the Crioyo class, describing them as a privileged, often racist group who maintain power through their reliance on indigenous labor, despite claiming to support indigenous rights. Johnny critiques the hypocrisy of expats and gringos who benefit from the class system while pretending to be progressive.
In another segment, Johnny explores the complex identity of Latin Americans, particularly focusing on the Ladino population, who are often of mixed indigenous and European descent. He highlights the historical context of colonialism and its impact on cultural identity, noting that many Ladinos deny their indigenous heritage despite genetic evidence. Johnny also addresses the derogatory use of the term 'indio,' which is considered highly offensive, and advises expats to avoid using it. He further touches on the social dynamics between expats and indigenous people, emphasizing the importance of cultural sensitivity and respect.
Johnny then discusses the dynamics of romantic relationships between Gringas (expats from the first world) and indigenous or Latino men in Latin America. He highlights the common perception that Gringas are often the ones pursuing romantic relationships with local men, while the local men are seen as the ones who are 'winning the lottery' by being with a Gringa. Johnny also touches on the idea that many upper-class Latinos, often referred to as the 'adult children of the rich,' are more likely to be in relationships with Gringas due to their wealth and lifestyle. He further comments on the common scenario where a Gringa is on vacation and has a fling with a local man, but the local man may have long-term intentions, such as having a child to gain citizenship. Johnny also mentions that this dynamic is often observed in disco bars and tourist areas, where local men actively seek out Gr,ingas.
In another segment, Johnny discusses the dating dynamics between Gringos (expats from North America) and Latin locals, highlighting the cultural and social differences. He mentions how Gringos often find themselves in situations where they are outshone by local Latin dancers, who are more skilled and confident. Johnny also shares a story about a young Israeli woman who fell in love with a local man during her vacation, leading to a long-term relationship despite the challenges. He then addresses an email from a listener asking about how expat Eddie, a character in the podcast, met his Latina girlfriend, noting that Eddie is not typically found in dance clubs or bars where such women are usually seen. The listener questions why Eddie would pursue a relationship with a model-type woman, suggesting it might be more about physical attraction than deeper connection.
The episode also includes a segment where Johnny promotes an Expat Insider Seminar in July 2018 in Guatemala, emphasizing the opportunity to gain a head start on plan B and connect with a network of expats and gringos. He also mentions a discount for single attendees to share a room and save money, while making light-hearted remarks about gender inclusivity. The segment then transitions to a story about how Expat Eddie met his girlfriend, Claudia, in El Salvador, highlighting the setting and the cultural context of the country.
Finally, Johnny describes a lively beach scene at a hotel bar, where various promotional activities are taking place. There are live bands, beach chairs, and a sand volleyball court set up. Major beer companies like Coca-Cola, Pepsi, and 7Up have models in bikinis promoting their brands. The event also includes a 'bikini open' competition, which is not x-rated but involves preselected participants. The competition is followed by a volleyball game where the bikini open winners face off against muscular guys promoting fitness clubs. Later, at a beach bar, the bikini open winner is harassed by a bruiser muscle guy, leading to a confrontation where Eddie, Johnny's companion, accidentally spills his drink on the woman, prompting her to tell him to buy her a drink.
The segment concludes with a humorous and culturally rich interaction between Johnny Mueller and a group of expats and locals in a bar. Eddie, a laid-back character, is annoyed by a woman who expects him to buy her a drink. Johnny is tasked with delivering Eddie's message to the woman, who reacts with a mix of indignation and curiosity. The situation escalates when a girl named Claudia approaches Eddie, apologizing and acknowledging his point. Eddie then reflects on whether Claudia is a high-maintenance Latina princess or just having a bad day. The segment ends with a humorous note as the show wraps up.
Topics
Dating and relationships for expats in Latin America, Cultural and familial differences in expat relationships, Indigenous languages and their role in Central American communities, Challenges of long-term relationships between expats and locals, Socio-economic inequality in Latin America, Indigenous communities and their challenges, Language barriers in relationships, Crioyo class and its role in Latin American society, Expatriate hypocrisy and classism, Cultural identity of Latin Americans, Colonial history and its impact on indigenous populations, Use of the term 'indio' and its implications
Chapters
00:00:00 Opening 00:01:15 The Reality of Expat Relationships in Latin America 00:01:40 Why Bringing a Latina Back to the States is a Bad Idea 00:02:50 Challenges of Relationships with Indigenous Women 00:05:26 Neglect of Indigenous Communities in Latin America 00:06:36 Language Barriers in Indigenous Relationships 00:07:34 The Hidden Indigenous Blood in the Crioyo Class 00:09:49 The Prevalence of Indigenous Ancestry in Latin America 00:09:52 The Identity of Middle-Class Latin Americans 00:09:57 The Concept of Ladino Identity 00:13:55 Introduction to the Dynamic of Gringo-Indigenous Relationships 00:14:23 The Fantasy of Latin Guys with Gringas 00:15:37 The Influence of Wealth on Attraction 00:16:44 The Long-Term Intentions of Local Men 00:17:31 The Common Scenario in Tourist Areas 00:17:43 The Scene at 11 o'clock: Gringos and Local Dancers 00:18:11 The Impact of Being in a Foreign Country 00:18:30 A Real-Life Story of Love and Consequences 00:19:40 An Email Inquiry About Eddie's Relationship 00:20:50 The Nature of Model-Type Women's Relationships 00:21:02 Promoting the Expat Insider Seminar in Guatemala 00:22:23 How Expat Eddie Met Claudia 00:23:53 Setting Up the Beach Scene 00:24:42 The Bikini Open Competition 00:26:19 The Confrontation at the Beach Bar 00:26:26 Introducing Eddie and the Situation 00:26:45 Identifying the Woman and the Context 00:26:53 Johnny's Interaction with the Woman 00:27:16 Claudia's Apology and the Reflection
Transcript
Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.
[00:00] South of the border, down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came out to play And now that I wonder Hello there all you expat wannabes I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to The Expat Files, living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live, work, play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good, the bad, the ugly and the great And it's all right here so let's get started You know I get a lot of emails from people asking me about things I don't talk about much Because I don't feel like it, like my personal life And the dating, mating, romance and love theme Although you long time listeners know that sometimes I dip a toe into those waters, not much
[00:46] Because those sex, love, mating and dating questions are, well, loaded questions That means you might not like the answers too much and there's certainly not going to be PC And though this show The Expat Files, living in Latin America is kind of south of the border Or south of the border advice column The fact is guys and gals who are coming down here to Latin America solely For the mating, dating, romance angle That is they're coming down looking for a long term relationship and not the sex tourism part Well as it turns out 95% of those cases, the expat visitor, usually a guy Is just a frustrated geezer, unlucky in love Often with grown up kids and a two or three time loser in the marriage department So what's he come down for? Just looking for a nice young Latina girl to bring home to Dubuque or Cleveland
[01:33] With the idea that because she's a Latina she'll be more old school, less complicated and more mothering Well you long time listeners have heard me say before that's a very bad idea and almost never works out And I could give you a list as long as my arm as to why I'm sure you can figure out some of those reasons yourself The fact is the only gringo Latina and gringo Latino relationships I've ever seen work out in the long term Is when the North American half of that equation decides to live here in Latin America permanently In other words you don't go back, you set up housekeeping here in Latin America Because suffice it to say if you hook up with a Latino or Latino down here and bring them up to the States The culture clash for your Latin partner will be severe Remember you're dropping them into your neighborhood, a place where they have got zero friends and relatives
[02:20] Remember Latinos are very family oriented And you'll be cutting him or her off from that cold turkey It'll be just you, Skype and was up overload and a lot of moping around So anyway bringing a Latino or Latina back to the States is a very bad idea, never seen it work out However I've seen many gringo Latina and gringo Latino relationships flourish nicely As long as they remain here in Latin America Though that's not completely true Most first world women who hook up with Latin guys and remain in Latin America Have to understand it's a macho society and these guys will cheat If you can handle that, and I don't know too many gringas who can, then go for it That said, digging into a very large virtual pile of emails on this subject I've decided today's the day we're going to go into some of that stuff
[03:07] Because even though virtually all the emails I get on this subject are by nature repetitive Mixed in with some of that stuff are some questions I wanted answered a long time ago too So let's talk about some of that mating dating stuff you won't see mentioned on blogs As usual I'll slice dice and paraphrase some of these emails So as to keep the conversation out of the gutter and not offend too many people Because you know conversations about sex, love, romance, etc. can go into some dodgy territory Especially if that conversation is taking place in a locker room And I'm not just talking about the boys locker room here This one comes from Justin, and I believe he's done some traveling in Latin America He says, Johnny, my take on the indigenous young women in Latin America Especially Central America, that is the ones that wear their tribal dress every day
[03:53] Is that they are pretty much unavailable to unattached gringo expat males Just like up in the US where Orthodox Catholic, Jewish and Mormon young ladies, etc. Might not include the average American guy in their mating and dating pool So Johnny, my question is, if an expat does happen to get involved with one of these young indigenous ladies I'd assume you'd have to move things along quite delicately and slow With no real serious physical relationship prior to marriage, if marriage is the intent Then after you've tied the knot I assume you'd also be married to the entire extended family Pitching in with the farm animals and driveway chicken soup Alright Justin, thanks for that But here's the thing, you talk about these indigenous young ladies in their tribal getup
[04:40] Which as you know signifies what tribe they're in And remember, every tribe has its own language For example, we can use Guatemala because they've got 25 different tribes Thus 25 different indigenous languages And here's something I'm sure you didn't know Except for the maybe two or three major indigenous languages throughout Central America None of those languages are taught in the public school What you get is Spanish, and that's it But of course, as you may have figured, there are some do-gooders from the states and NGOs Coming down, making a big stink about that Putting pressure on local governments to include some indigenous languages in the public schools Hmm, where have I heard that before? Does that sound good to you? Is that logical? The fact is, most of the indigenous people live out in the boonies in their own small towns
[05:26] And those are the public schools that are most neglected, the broken windows, no running water Not enough desks, books, or even pencils Then you've got these idiot NGO do-gooders from the states coming and saying Oh, now you've got to start teaching local language When the computers don't work and they don't even have consistent power for lighting Can you see the problem here? No sense of priority Another reason why, I just can't stomach those do-gooders and NGOs But I digress as usual The point is, if a gringo or expat goes out with an indigenous lady Or an indigenous guy in the case of gringas You're absolutely going to have to learn your Spanish And if it sucks as you date this person You'll find if you're hanging around her town or hood She'll be mostly engaged in her indigenous language Because you see, in those small towns and barrios
[06:13] Just loaded with indigenous people They may be in a country where Spanish has their primary language And they're teaching it in the schools But the default language, whether they're in the house shopping Or in the street working or just hanging out Will be their local indigenous language And man, if you want to talk about your head practically exploding If all you know is English, your Spanish really sucks And your girlfriend or boyfriend is speaking cachical or quiche And that's what it's going to be like at the dinner table and with her friends At first it'll make you feel like you're on another planet But that is a hump you can get over, a lot of people have Number two, this will sound harsh But we're talking about the lowest class of society here in Latin America And that's what you have to look forward to if you date an indigenous person So what you've got at the upper end of this socio-economic scale here in Latin America
[06:59] Are the people we call Crioyos Lighter skin, taller, some European blood Mostly once you've dug through the service and gotten down To the nitty-gritty of their personalities They're a bunch of stuck up racist, classist, superficial gringo wannabes Who haven't read a book since college Other than that, they're mighty fine people Hmm, that book thing sounds really familiar, doesn't it? So basically the Crioyo class hang out and live in upscale neighborhoods Have their SUVs and bodyguards And their maids, gardeners, and maintenance people Are generally shorter, darker indigenous people However, the deep dark, untold secret of the Crioyo class Is that almost all of them have some indigenous blood in them But they'll never admit that I mean, come on, when the Spanish conquistadors first came over Who do you think they raped and pillaged? The only ones on the continent were the indigenous
[07:46] So there's always some indigenous blood that the upper class Crioyos will never mention Unless, of course, our Crioyos family was a recent arrival And the last couple generations anyway, from Europe So there is a very tiny percentage of Crioyos who might be German, Italian, or 100% Spanish So they're instantly sucked into the upper Crioyo classes And they become part of that society Now the fact is, you'll never see an upper class Crioyo type going out with an indigenous person Though a lot of Latin soap operas, telenovelas, have a running plot line Where the rich owner or his son is shtuppin' the indigenous maid Note that for generations, the indigenous people have been the Crioyo's support system They wouldn't be living like kings and queens without that cheap labor And even though these days, where everybody seems to be PC You'll hear enlightened Crioyo classes, especially the younger, naive, college-aged ones
[08:36] Saying the indigenous should make more money They owe it to them to increase their education levels, etc You hear that kind of lip service all the time Especially in the media, where you see these Crioyo creeps getting interviewed Meanwhile, behind the scenes, they're doing their damnedest to keep the status quo After all, you can't run a coffee, sugar, or pineapple plantation Without having a large throng of workers making ten bucks a day I want to point out mine and every other expat, Gringo's hypocrisy We're all actually piggybacking on the classism of the Crioyo's who make the rules down here If it wasn't for them, we couldn't afford to have full-time maids and gardeners And you know, when Gringo's and expats get together Someone always spouts out about how cool it is to be able to afford a full-time maid and gardener On a crappy social security check We all know, up in the States, that would be in the realm of fantasy
[09:23] Alright, so if the indigenous people are on the very lowest socio-economic strata When you come down here, you'll see that for yourself That will tend to make a mixed dating-mating relationship all that more difficult And by the way, in some Latin countries, like Bolivia, Peru, Guatemala, and a few others The indigenous people are 30-40% of the population So let's say you're in a country that has 30% indigenous at the bottom and then 5% Crioyo at the top Actually, it's less than 5%, probably more like 2% So then, what about all the Latinos and Latinas that fall in the middle of those extremes? Well, they call themselves Latinos or Ladinos They're shorter and browner than the Crioyos Often you can tell by looking at them that they've got a lot of indigenous blood in them But they, like the Crioyos, will not admit it
[10:08] And they'll never wear those indigenous tribal textiles Because they disavow, being part of the indigenous culture They even disavow any indigenous blood at all Even though DNA testing in that group has proved theirs just loaded with indigenous blood Also mixed in with a bit of Spanish or European blood Again, it all goes back to that colonial raping and pillaging Which is why when you walk into practically any Ladino's house There'll be a wall of fame somewhere, usually in the hallway or the living room Photos of some ancient old relative, usually a guy with a handlebar mustache 18th century looking guy, sometimes in a Sgt. Pepper uniform He's the all important family blood link back to Spain Which is why, nearly 100% of the time when you ask a Ladino what nationality is
[10:54] He'll tell you the country he's from, whether it's Honduras, Peru, whatever And also if you give him half a chance He'll tell you about his ancestor that came over in 1826 And he'll drag you over to see the faded fungus infected portrait on the wall So, with practically every Latin American having indigenous blood And the only ones who'll admit it are the ones wearing indigenous clothes Funny enough, or maybe not so funny, you'll find the word indio A shortened form of indigenous, practically as insulting as the F word is to us So, when you hear someone use that word indio, whether you're eavesdropping Or you're actually in a conversation, you'll notice They'll almost always lower their voice a bit and scan the room before they say it Because it is a major insult In fact, in the middle classes, them's fighting words You call someone an indio, it better be behind closed doors
[11:40] Now, with family and close friends Sometimes you'll hear younger Ladinos use it against each other in fun Again, a lot like the N word up in the states And I'll bet you'll notice when you get down here And you're sitting around with a mixed crowd of Ladinos and Gringos When somebody pulls a boner Like, for example, spills a drink Does something stupid Someone in the crowd, usually a friend or relative, will say Indio In the same tone that any average Gringo might call his friend Or a guy in the room A dickhead In which case, you'll never hear a Gringo say that in a kindly manner Like, say, that was dumb You're a dickhead He'll say, dickhead Which is how a Ladino will use the word indio They'll say, indio They'll say it short and curt My advice to Gringos in expats is to drop it completely from your vocabulary
[12:27] Never use the word at all Because if you ever were to say it, even in casual conversation Around an indigenous person Or, in front of your cleaning lady or gardener Man, you can bet they'll resent you for it Even though from then on He or she might smile in your face You've done some damage So FYI, the word indigenous Perfectly fine No problems at all It's neutral It does no damage But the word indio Look out But back to Justin's inquiry about The consequences of Gringos in expats Mating dating and or hooking up romantically or otherwise With an indigenous person Tribal, costume, get up and all Well, first of all, as you long time listeners May have heard me mention I've been down here close to 30 years now See indigenous people all the time I like them Most of them are great people But you won't find many Gringo or Gringa expats
[13:14] Or visitors mating or dating them Now, talking strictly about boy and girl talk A number of times I've been in a car With a bunch of Gringos and expats And suddenly you pass through a small town Where you see mostly indigenous people Often it seems when you're way out in the boonies Some of those towns are completely indigenous I've been in that situation a number of times Where a Gringo or Gringa in the car will say Hey look, there's a really cute girl Or really handsome guy I mean for an indigenous person Hmm, what a qualifier, huh? So yeah, us enlightened Gringos and expats Are guilty of hypocrisy and look-ism too And once I remember, a Gringa in the car Said that about a handsome young indigenous guy And I said, would you go out with a guy like that? And she said, Johnny, you know the guy is like five feet tall And you know, I'd end up paying for dinner
[13:59] Which pretty much says it all I'm already guiding first world Gringas And their romantic notions of indigenous guys I think once in my entire time down here Did I ever see a Gringa romantically involved with an indigenous guy I assumed so because they were walking down a busy street holding hands And you know what? They were being scrutinized by everyone Because it's just so uncommon Now you've heard me say this before But it really is every Latin guy's fantasy To hook up with a first world Gringa And so much so that I can't tell you How many times I've been with a group of Gringos and Latinos And suddenly we spot, usually at a disco or a bar On or near the Gringo Tourist Trail, that is A tall, fair-haired, light-skinned Gringa With a shorter, darker, obviously local Latino guy And the comments from the Peanut Gallery are always the same
[14:47] Man, I don't know what she sees in him But he just won the lottery Hey, don't kill the messenger I'm just telling you what it's like to live, play, work, and or hang out here in Latin America Don't you want to know what Gringos and expats Are thinking about and saying to each other? People just don't write about these things in their blogs, you know? Now, you know it's true that upper-class Latinos What I call the adult children of the rich Sounds like an oxymoron, but it's really not Not often, but very occasionally One will hook up with or marry a Gringa expat I mean, look, these little princes have been catered to all their lives They've gone to the helicopter schools Their English is very good Most have never done a load of laundry Or made a bed in their lives They didn't have to They had maids doing all that Often you'll notice that many of the men in the family Are fat and dirtbag ugly
[15:33] Yet the women are kind of beautiful Money attracts beauty, you know? You see that all the time in the high-end shopping malls, too Another perfect example, the British royal family Man, do they have some deeply ingrained ugly genes Case in point, Prince Charles One of the big reasons he married Diana, right? Certainly an effort to dilute that weak-chin, big-eared gene That runs in that family Actually, it kind of gallops in that family, huh? The point is, on occasion you will see The handsome Antonio Banderas-type Latino I'm talking about the Banderas of 20 or so years ago Now he kind of looks like a Latin Keith Richards Have you seen him? He's like 120 pounds of washed-out wrinkles But I digress, where were we? Oh, yeah, talking about mixed Gringo-Gringa Latino-Latina hookups
[16:19] So anyway, I have seen the occasional first-world Gringa Dancing all sexy or walking down the street holding hands Usually with a good-looking Latin guy Though most Gringos and Gringos will assure me That's usually a Gringa On vacation, having one of those forbidden long-distance flings You hear so much about But of course, Gringo guys do that, too But let's focus on the women for a second Normally, since she's on vacation Just a temporary thing But guess what? These Latin guys want to try to make it permanent They know the key to winning the lottery Is to get her in the family way The kid becomes an automatic US citizen And that's his way in Not fair, you might agree, but 100% legal So in the vast majority of the cases Where it's a Gringa and a Latino Who are romantically attached If she's not living down here permanently
[17:04] It's kind of a fling for her And a long-term mission for him Hey, again, don't kill the messenger here I've seen that situation with my own eyes so many times And in rare cases, the Latin guy's plan actually works out In fact, a while ago A couple of good-looking Latin disco kings Told me that though they live Some 50 miles away from the nearest Somewhat Gringo-ized tourist area They make sure that on Fridays and Saturday nights They hit the discos there And what do you think their main mission is? Hmm, not so dumb, huh? So, Gringos, when you come down Keep that in mind But of course, every Gringo-ized area Has its rocking disco bars And it never fails Seems like, especially on Friday and Saturday nights By 11 o'clock, there's a goodly number Of college-aged Gringas Kind of drunked up Dancing with the local boys
[17:50] Having a good time for sure Meanwhile, you got any number of young Latin dance kings All decked out, swabbing handsome Who have just one thing on their minds Well, two actually One is dancing And believe me Even a crappiest Latin male dancer Will wipe the floor with me or any other Gringo I know Which never fails to impress young adult Gringas on vacation Especially after a few drinks And being in a foreign country Coupled thousand miles away from Cleveland Well, some of them let their guard down Their standards and a few more things To which I say, go ahead, have fun, you're on vacation Just remember, to you, it might be a long distance fling To him, a guy living in a scruffy neighborhood Making three or four hundred bucks a month What do you think? In fact, I personally know A young, beautiful girl from Israel Came down for a month To visit a couple of friends on the Gringo tourist trail
[18:37] Was pursued by one of these handsome young Latins She met at the disco At least he didn't ride the chicken bus He had his own motorcycle On the payment plan, of course Well, he poured on the charm Knocked her up She fell in love They made plans She went back to the States Had the kid Parents practically disowned her But they came around Got the guy a legal visa And now, according to her He sits around all day in their apartment Addicted to Spanish fakebook Twitter YouTube and video games Like expat Eddie says Stupidity is the disease of the young And since 40 is the new 20 I guess you could be really stupid Up to and beyond the age of 40 as well Now, speaking of expat Eddie I do get a lot of emails Asking for more expat Eddie stories And some things about his life here in Latin America
[19:23] Of course, they want to know about his businesses And how he turned five grand into Well, probably five million by now Without a business degree In fact, I think he only went two years to college Dropped out when asked to declare a major All right, since we're talking about Gringos and Gringas Mating and dating here in Latin America Here's an email I promise to answer Even if I get some heat for it Starts out, dear Johnny I've never heard you talk about How expat Eddie hooked up with his Quote, model type Latina girlfriend He doesn't sound like the kind of guy Who hangs out in dance clubs Gringo bars, etc Where the model types would be found Whereas his model girlfriend Most likely did and or still Likes that kind of scene That's the world of models So what does he do about that? He also sounds like a guy
[20:08] Who isn't impressed with women Who are all about looking hot And essentially using their good looks To weaponize themselves Hey, I like that That being said, Johnny If you don't mind letting the cat out of the bag Or if Eddie doesn't mind Where did these two even meet to begin with? And other than the initial physical attraction Into a hot younger woman Why would he turn it into a long-term Seemingly full-blown relationship? Maybe if he travels a lot It's actually more a part-time thing With strong emphasis on the physical Who knows? Typically, model type women From almost all cultures Don't have a lot else to offer Than good looks And being a trophy for their man To show the world Johnny, maybe you can take a few minutes To enlighten us all
[20:54] On some of this Thanks for the great shows As always Signed, Mr. J All right, before we peel back The layers of Expatty's love life Hmm, hope he doesn't hear this I'd like to let you know That I've picked the dates For my July 2018 Expat insider seminar We'll start on Saturday July 7th to 18th Through Thursday, July 12th, 2018 You'll be drinking from the fire hose In and around Guatemala Central America Once again, 90% of the time Well off the gringo tourist trail In that famous altiplano I talk so much about So if you're interested in getting What people are saying Is a three to five year head start On your plan B Plus, being introduced To a great network of Expats and gringos That can help you along the way Just send me an email The expatfiles at gmail.com
[21:39] And put the word seminar In the subject box And I'll put you on my early bird waiting list And you'll get all the information Before I broadcast it on the show So again, just send me an email The expatfiles at gmail.com And I'll put you on the list Oh, and as is the custom With almost all my seminars now If you're going to come alone As a single person I'm usually able to hook you up With another single person Sharing a double occupancy room And both of you can save 500 bucks off even The early bird discount price By the way, no mixed genders On that double occupancy deal Then again, I guess there's 65 different genders now, right? Hmm, man, am I glad I don't live up in the States How about you? How's your plan B coming? So just how did Expat Eddie meet Claudia,
[22:25] His famous runway model girlfriend? Here's how it went Well, I'd say About ten years ago now In the tiny country of El Salvador, Central America That's where Eddie got his start In the restaurant business He was just starting out With restaurant, I should say He asked number one A tiny little place In an upscale mall In San Salvador The capital city of El Salvador Now, the country of El Salvador Has a beach It's on the Pacific side Now, I'm not a fan of The beaches on the Pacific side Of Central America The water's murky There's undertows Not at all like The crystal blue water's For the Caribbean But if that's the only beach You have, then people flock there And one of the favorite little Resort towns there Is called La Libertad, The Liberty A nice little strip About half a mile long Right on the beach Hotels, restaurants, Tiscos, hangout spots
[23:11] Not run down in Scruffy But not real high end like In gringoized spots Like Cancun and Costa Rica We're talking about beaches here That are well off The gringo tourist trail Now, Latin America has a lot of Holidays called Ferriados They've got a lot more of them Than we do up in the States And they're also Days off from work Sometimes, as we do with Easter and Thanksgiving Combined with a Thursday or Friday So you get a really long Weekend out of it Now, I was there with Eddie When he first met her So I can tell you exactly What happened Turns out, like in a lot of beach Towns in the States And in Latin America On those holiday weekends There are tons of beach front Activities and promotions going on In fact, that particular weekend I don't even remember What the holiday was Right in front of this particular Hotel bar They had a little stage set up With the bands going Starting at around noon Beach chairs set up All around a beach bar
[23:57] And they had set up A sand volleyball court Right in front of the hotel That Eddie and I were staying at Now, when they have these Big beach events and promotions A lot of the big beer companies Coca-Cola, Pepsi, 7Up, etc. Will hire a bunch of models Put them in bikinis With their logos all over them And they'll set up little stations On the beach Or walk around Giving out free samples So there were three or four Hot looking ladies From Coca-Cola Some from Pepsi The rum companies even Two bikini clad girls Wearing tuxes Giving out samples of Johnny Walker Then there were the Hawaiian Tropic girls And the girls from Banana Boat Sunscreen Giving out samples, too So you had all that going on Plus live music And what's famous down here During the holidays on the beach And draws huge crowds
[24:42] A thing called a bikini open That's right, bikini open Sounds kind of x-rated, but it's not The word is spelled in English Bikini open They don't use the Spanish translation at all And it's not for amateurs You just don't come with a bikini and compete They're preselected Sometimes weeks before the event And in this case All the beautiful girls Giving out those samples Were in the contest But first All those hot girls in bikinis Got into a scheduled Volleyball game They were up against a bunch of Muscled guys Who were down there Promoting chain of fitness clubs In the capital The guys let the girls win Par for the course So then after the Volleyball game Came the bikini open And who do you think won? Eddie was soon to find out Her name was Claudia Well, later that night After the beachfront activities
[25:28] Were finished And the discos were raging Eddie and I were sitting Right at the rail Of a beach bar And next to us At the bar There were three or four Those bathing beauties With those thick-headed Musclemen Bodybuilders as their escorts So the kings and queens Of the beach party Were getting their 15 minutes of fame Not that they were acting like jerks But they were strutting their stuff Now the crowd was kind of Thick around the bar You had to belly up to it To get a drink And Eddie and I had choice seats So right in front of us This big bruiser muscle guy Is hanging all over the Winner of the bikini open You could tell She was not liking it She was trying to get away from him Somehow, with all the pushing And shoving The bruiser wedged himself In next to Eddie And Eddie's drink fell All over his pants And splashed the lady Pretty good, too She grabbed some napkins
[26:13] Said something nasty to the guy And he went off in a huff At the time Eddie only knew about 20 words of Spanish So I translated for him I said She just told that macho Jerk to get lost And that She was going to tell that Gringo to buy her a drink That would be Eddie And you know Eddie, he's laid back He didn't care that His drink was all over his lap But he doesn't like To take orders He said Johnny, do me a favor And tell her I don't want to buy her a drink Tell her to get one From somebody else And he said I bet the queen of Banana boat sunscreen Never buys her own drinks I know who she is She's on banana boat Posters all over the city But that don't cut No mierda with me Tell her, Johnny Tell her This Gringo is not Going to buy her a drink So I said it to her All of it She got a little huffy And said Verdad?
[26:59] Which means Really? Then he said Tell you what I'll buy you one But you have to ask me nice And she turned tail And stormed right out of there All right So flash ahead About two hours The bar's closing Suddenly This girl Claudia Standing right in front of Eddie She turns to me The translator And says Tell him I'm sorry And that he's right You know no one's ever Said that to me before So I told Eddie And Eddie said What do you think, Johnny A high maintenance Latina princess Or a nice girl just having a bad day Oops, we're at the end of the show now Tune in next time for the rest of the story Thanks for watching!
[27:58] See you next time!