#576 – The Expat Files: Life, Love, and Lore in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border, down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came up to play and now I wonder Hello there all you expat wannabes I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started You know when expat Eddie calls and says Johnny you want to hear something really weird. Well, it's gonna really be weird Because expat Eddie's one of those guys who doesn't call people regularly. He always has to have a really good reason

[00:45] He just doesn't call up to shoot to breeze in a way I'm like that myself I like people to get right to the point and I don't talk much on the phone Of course if I haven't heard from somebody for months and months even years And they check in to tell me they're alive. Well, that's okay, too But I just might not answer the phone sometimes. I just don't pick up now Eddie is a lot of fun He can be a great conversationalist. He's full of surprises, but this time he caught me off guard He really let loose with his story. He said Johnny, you know I've been down here now what a dozen or so years and I thought I'd seen everything which just goes to show you can Be wrong really wrong. That's what keeps you on your toes Every day something new in the continuing saga of expats in Latin America and expat Eddie is living proof of that He said Johnny last Saturday I went to a wedding in the distant suburbs of San Salvador and for the uninitiated

[01:35] San Salvador being the capital of El Salvador and he said he drove around an hour outside the city to get to this little Town as it turns out Eddie's fiancee's sister was getting married She has three sisters in El Salvador and I think they have a half-brother who is an illegal somewhere up in Texas Which is why it he tells me every time the news channel is on and they have a report from Texas Everyone in her mother's house runs into the living room and checks out the TV hoping to get a glimpse of them Yeah, right like you could swing a dead cat in Texas and hit every illegal alien I'll tell you Latins have no concept of country space and geography. Hmm sound familiar So anyway, Eddie had to go to this wedding after all it was his fiancee's sister But knowing that these things are dead boring for gringos Eddie came prepared

[02:22] He pumped himself up with a few shots of tequila some expensive rum and a pocket full of real Cuban cigars However, he said something very strange happened as soon as they went into the church to sit down Even though he said there were probably 50 to 75 people in the place No one it seemed would sit within 10 feet of Eddie his fiancee his fiancee's mother and her mother's long-term Boyfriend and get this his name is perfecto. Yes perfecto in English Perfect. Now imagine you're up in Milwaukee or Cleveland and you named your kid perfect I guarantee he would not go through life unscathed I can imagine bullies thinking he'd be the perfect kid to pick on now. Where were we? Oh, yeah Eddie's future mother-in-law's boyfriend and his full name perfecto del gallo pena

[03:12] Which literally means in English perfect skinny shame? Yeah, that's right perfect skinny shame man, you gotta love those Spanish names, huh? I still can't hardly think of a guy without laughing In fact Eddie says one of his fiancee's aunt's name is Dolores pena in English That's another kind of double whammy painful shame Of course, she couldn't help having the last name pena called up by you though down here That means last name though. They could have picked a kinder first name. Don't you think like maybe Gloria pena? No, that won't work either. That means glorious shame Though I kind of like the insinuation there Anyway, Eddie's soon to be mother-in-law his swag, right? That's what they're called down here her boyfriend perfecto delgado

[04:01] Pena who is neither perfect nor skinny and I don't know about the shameful part Let's just say he doesn't nearly live up to his name Which makes it all the more funny when someone calls it out anyway Like Eddie says the immediate family was sitting in the church But no one none of the distant relatives or wedding attendees would sit within 10 feet of their little group So there they were Eddie his fiancee his fiancee's mother her boyfriend perfectly skinny shame and Eddie's fiancee His other two sisters boyfriends. That was it Everyone else was on the other side of the church Eddie said people would file into the church Walk on over a lot of empty seats start sitting down right next to them Look at him his fiancee and his future mother-in-law Then they'd get up and move across the aisle to the other side to let he finally said to his girlfriend

[04:50] What's going on? We have BO or leprosy or something then his fiancee kind of stiffened up paused a minute Looked around and started telling him an embarrassing family secret. He never heard about before She said for quite a few years now ever since her parents got divorced people in her hometown Don't want to speak to her mother They avoid her and Eddie thought at that moment anyway It was pretty weird people holding a grudge for a divorce that happened 15 years ago But that wasn't the whole story then she told him the rest She said when her mother and father were still married and living under the same roof her father had a successful Small-town hardware store her mother was behind the counter dealing with customers and such all the time and her dad took care of inventory And went out and bought stuff made deliveries things like that and as it turned out

[05:39] He was making his so-called buying trips to the big suppliers and showing up less and less at the hardware store though He did have an excuse he'd go on day trips to San Salvador the capital and sometimes would stay overnight said he got held up No, not held up. I know when you're thinking of El Salvador You're thinking of you know guns rifles bullets gangs not true not back then anyway Anyway, Eddie's fiancee's mother started to suspect that her husband was having an affair and instead of confronting him directly She did what any middle class or slightly upper middle class latin woman would do. She went to the neighborhood bruja That would be the fortune teller slash tarot card reader slash suit sare black magic woman turns out You know and believe it or not. There's one in every neighborhood

[06:25] And it's not that it's an actual business. There's no lady sitting behind a table with a turban on behind a plate glass window It's just a neighborhood lady who does this kind of thing on the side She might be a regular housewife or a cleaning lady or someone who sells tacos from a stand But she's got you know the gift forgive me if I laugh a lot during this episode, but I don't believe any of that crap However, if you're gonna live in latin America, this place is just filled with that kind of stuff Superstition everywhere and you might ask if latin america is so intensely christian and it is Isn't that a sin or blasphemy or hypocrisy? So then how could that superstitious black magic stuff coexist with christianity? So you might say conveniently isn't that supposed to be the dark side, you know the demon side

[07:14] So how'd that happen? Well, it's kind of like this when spain and portugal came down and conquered the americas That would be mexico and down to the tip of south america including most of california and part of texas by the way It had a lot of disgruntled indigenous tribes to deal with like the astex and the inkas and the mayans Or what was left of the mayans anyway because their civilization had fallen a couple hundred years before the conquistadors arrived However, the remnants were there anyway as it turned out the spanish conquistadors killed all their religious leaders Forced all the rest the common people to become catholics or else But they never did completely give up their so-called pagan ways, you know They had their idols and their gods and it all kind of mixed in with catholicism And the spaniards and the catholic priests and cardinals and bishops kind of look the other way

[08:04] They let them have their idols in exchange for a more pliable society So if you come down here to latin america You're going to see some very strange things when you go to catholic churches And you'll see some very strange things when they have catholic or supposedly christian street celebrations, too You've heard of the mexican day of the dead where everybody dresses up in skeletons and such I know it looks weird kind of creepy. It's not really a first world christian celebration, but down here it certainly is However, you ain't seen nothing yet If you're watching this show on youtube, you're gonna see just what i'm talking about because I have some really interesting photos of some religious scenes that just would not go down well if they were presented up in the first world So in this particular case the weird to us is common to latin society if that makes any sense

[08:53] Down here the indigenous people are almost exclusively christian with a healthy dose of shamanism thrown in too A lot of weird stuff going on you'll see it if you come down Even stranger indigenous people have all the sanctioned catholic saints and martyrs and stuff And they also have a few of their own thrown in unsanctioned kind of naughty saints that they venerate nonetheless One of them by the way is called makshimon a very naughty saint indeed You won't see him in any catholic churches But you will see little altars and monuments to him in indigenous communities. His statue is unmistakable He's always sitting there with a smirk on his face smoking a cigar or a cigarette. I'm not kidding you He's kind of the patron saint of people with bad habits

[09:38] In fact, i've seen a few of his makeshift shrines where the locals will offer little gifts to him gifts of booze money cigarettes In exchange for certain lucky favors. He's said to be stow So just know that in latin america, there's a thin veneer of christianity and slightly banola surface There's a lot of superstition and practices that don't seem to jive with first world christianity But down here well, they're more than accepted. They become part of the culture Meanwhile back at the church eddie's fiancee laid this little gem on him She said that some 15 years ago when her mother suspected her dad was cheating on her She went to visit the local bruja which translates loosely to Local witch. Okay, so far so good. She made a little donation

[10:24] Sat at the table the lady pulled out the tarot cards and gave her a reading Yes here in latin america tarot cards and regular playing cards are red And probably most middle class latin women have had their fortunes read this way I kid you not oh and note the bruja just doesn't sit at the table calmly and read your fortune The bruja starts shaking going into convulsions talking to spirits throwing little balls of herbs and incense at you Got to put on a good show, right? By the way, a bruja is a female witch and a brujo is a male witch or warlock although down here in latin america They're not defined as such not as harshly as we look at the word witch up in the states Down here a person who's a bruja or brujo are just people that have special powers. That's what they'll tell you

[11:11] In fact, they'll tell you they've been born with a don Don not to be confused with don carlioni or don johnny don also means gift And they're not into the black arts as such and they'll say as much but who knows? They just claim they're tapping into mother earth's natural spiritual powers and crap like that And by the way, don't think because a latin person is educated has a master's or advanced degree in anything That there aren't some people in the immediate household who aren't occasionally seeing one of these brujas Though it's true as you slide down the socio-economic letter to the cleaning ladies and the indigenous people There's a lot more of the superstitious stuff going on But where were we oh, yeah, meanwhile back at the church eddie's fiance said that some 15 years ago

[11:56] Her mother went to go see the bruja the neighborhood tarot card reader and sure enough. She had her cards read She said yes, your husband is cheating on you and the bad news He's cheating with four different women And of course for a little extra dough the bruja could provide a solution A way to bring her husband back to her and quit his screwing around by the way in latin america They call extreme male womanizers mujerriegos. That's mujerriegos Then the bruja said come back in two days and bring one of your husband's sisters And here's the crazy part. Well, all of it's crazy But this is really over the top The only way to cure her husband and make him faithful Was to make him a nice cup of coffee first thing in the morning. No problem there. Everybody drinks coffee here

[12:41] Get this mixed in with a thimbleful of her own Menstrual blood now eddie said when his fiance told him that he looked at her and said I don't want to know the details but a thimbleful that sounds like a pretty neat trick Then eddie's fiance said well, that's why she was supposed to bring one of her husband's sisters along In case they ran short now, I tell you no one could make this stuff up So this was supposed to go on a couple of days every month while the ladies were, you know, having their days And eddie's future mother-in-law was supposed to report back to the bruja weekly Kind of like a weekly appointment at a rainforest shrink, I guess So if it was pt barnum who said or maybe it was wc fields, there's a sucker born every minute

[13:28] I guess neither of them had ever been to latin america because down here there's one born every second or microsecond So anyway, some weeks went by and things were really percolating And bruja kept giving eddie's girlfriend's mother more and more tasks to perform all of them Weirder and weirder. She had her planting things in her husband's pockets under his pillow between the bed frames Boiling his underwear and weird concoctions She pretty much became addicted to going to the local bruja for advice and not just about her husband either There were other things that weren't going well in the family at that time Her father was killed in a land dispute with some touchy neighbors and that threw a wrench into the works So she became more susceptible and more and more under the bruja's influence not to mention She was handing the bruja dough hand over fist

[14:16] And finally after three or four months the sister who was in on that altered coffee recipe She went to her catholic priest spilled the beans and he went over to the house and claimed it was all work of the devil He said with all that bruja ria going on at the house. It was certainly possessed By the way, when you hear someone say bruja that comes from the word bruja and bruja ria Then he said the only way to put things right again Was that he'd have to bless the house and possibly do an exorcism on eddie's future mother-in-law So the whole thing turned into a major incident and got way out of hand So at that point eddie's girlfriend's parents marriage was virtually over And the kids the four daughters who were very young at the time ended up living with the mother which is usual in latin

[15:03] And after that no one in the little town wanted to have anything to do with her or her kids So they moved about a hundred kilometers away to the capital san solvador and have lived there ever since and in all that time The girls only saw their father about once or twice in 15 years Now 15 years is a long time to hold a grudge Which is why eddie's girlfriend's sister the bride at the wedding thought it would be a good way to break the ice By inviting her estranged father and his side of the family Now the whole thing was made easier by the fact that the guy she was marrying came from the very same town That they used to live in when the parents were married. Well eddie says it kind of worked They all showed up but there was tension. It was uncomfortable and everyone kept their distance So in the end eddie's fiance did get to connect with her father

[15:51] She had a nice long talk with him She found out a few things that he still has a hardware store. In fact two hardware stores still is a womanizer She found out he has a new wife a 22 year old hayseed from the boonies, but she is beautiful She's actually younger than all of his daughters from his first marriage But this is latin america and that kind of stuff happens. So that wasn't a topic of conversation But eddie did hear some talk about him having something like four other kids from three other women And they were all young adults now too and occasionally they'd stop in to the hardware store to hit up the old man for money Those were just some of the facts that eddie's fiance found out from one of her long lost ants So in no way was this guy a good dad, but he got the last laugh turns out

[16:37] He wrote a last will and testament leaving out all four girls from his first marriage That would be eddie's fiance and her three sisters yet. He included his five other kids from three different women Man, did this guy get around so bottom line as eddie found out most if not all latin families have deep dark secrets that they Just don't like to talk about can you blame him? Yet as expat eddie has pointed out many times now No matter what chaos goes down on the family front Everyone still remains upbeat and happy then again when latin's hold grudges they can hold him for years hard to figure, huh? So then what about perfecto delgado pena? That would be perfect skinny shame He if you remember is eddie's future mother-in-law's boyfriend and he's been her boyfriend for some five or six years now

[17:26] Well as old dead. Dr. Seuss would have said things do get complicated by the minute turns out you see He does want to marry eddie's future mother-in-law even though she never did get that exorcism By the way, she's now a fallen catholic who has become an evangelical. That's how it usually works You know She is a very good looking woman for her age Has her own small business and is a pretty good provider doing really rather well for a single mother Perfect skinny shame has been wanting to marry her ever since he met her. He does okay for himself He has a little moving business a truck and four guys and they always seem to have work He's off the books, of course, like probably 50 percent of people in el solvador Anyway, eddie's future mother-in-law does not want to marry the guy. Why well, here's another kicker

[18:14] She has a sister who's living in new jersey legal or not No one really knows or cares to talk about she knows if she marries perfecto del galla pena She'll never be able to go up to the states legally and visit her sister Why is that? Because perfect skinny lived up in the states for a couple of years got caught in an immigration raid at a meat packing plant And now he's in the computers forever barred from coming to the states legally She by virtue of marriage will be on the ins's no entrance list too So bottom line she wants to visit the us in the worst way but wants to do it legally So you have to admire her for that and that's how it works here in latin america people who've got something to lose People with a business or some kind of going concern house car land, whatever

[19:01] They're just not gonna abandon all that and sneak through mexico while the risk that entails and move into the united states illegally Not when they're surviving even making a decent living down here Even if it is only four or five or six hundred bucks a month In fact, if you remember I mentioned in a past show average working class latins were asked what kind of a salary It would take for them to have no desire to move to the states for the so-called american dream And that number came in around five to six hundred bucks a month about double the minimum wage down here now So think of it five to six hundred bucks a month Sure If you had made that kind of dough up in the states you'd be living in a box under a bridge eating cat food But down here this study proves and local people tell me too that it's enough to live a good but simple life

[19:48] In fact, it's been calculated that the average monthly remisa is around two to three hundred bucks And that amount combined with one minimum wage of around 250 to let's say 400 a month Comes right in at that five to six hundred dollar a month level that adult latin say is enough to live Halfway decent life enough to have no real desire to leave everything behind and sneak into the united states and try to find that american dream By the way in a show a long long time ago. I mentioned something called the canasta basica canasta basica That's the average amount of money it takes to buy all the goods and services rent utilities etc for a family of four In latin america now, of course, it depends on the country you're in But that canasta basica averages between five and seven hundred dollars a month

[20:37] Now remember we're talking about the average family of four in latin america means they don't have a car Nor air conditioning and probably just cold running water a very basic existence Which seems kind of odd because if the average family makes only let's say 300 a month Where's the rest come from? How do they make ends meet? Well, it's coming from a remissus or other people in the family chipping in in fact It's comparable to what people think it takes in the states to live an average middle class life for a family of four That would be probably around 60 000 bucks a year before taxes However, a person making minimum wage in the states, which these days is all over the place I guess in seattle is 15 bucks an hour now, but even so let's say it's 12 bucks an hour still That's only around 25 000 bucks a year less than half of the 60 grand I mentioned

[21:25] So how do you make up that difference to be solid middle class? Well, maybe you don't but some do by having two people working minimum wage jobs in the family Same thing in its own way here in latin america. However, don't get me wrong. I don't believe in a minimum wage at all I believe you pay people what they're worth and if they're worth crap you pay them crap And if they're highly valued employees you pay them a lot more The world is quite imperfect and you can't legislate things like that and really make them work Although they keep trying and trying don't they but I digress as usual. Where were we? Oh, yeah back in the church After the ceremony back at the reception all night things were tense Now eddie being one of the most laid-back guys in the world As usual, he let everyone else get tense while he lit up a coheba robusto and took a sip of his old stand by

[22:11] What he considers the best rum in the world actually most of the world considers it the best rum in the world, too It's called ransacapa xo made in guess where guadamala, which is why i'm sure you've never heard of it And at a hundred bucks a bottle the average person has never tasted it either A hundred bucks a bottle for a bottle of rum who'd a thonk, huh? Well, you have to taste this stuff though Of course, it's less than half that price down here in latin america And eddie generally has a bottle of stuff around for those non-believers who say yeah rum is just rum I'll take that cruise ship bacardi stuff any day. Well, I beg to differ Okay, switching gears a bit here emails are trickling in about the brazilian olympics People are asking is it safe? Is it expensive? Where should I stay? How do I get around lots of questions like that?

[23:01] In that regard. Let me read this short article for you. It starts out Visitors to rio de Janeiro's main airport on monday were greeted with a troubling banner. It said welcome to hell It was there for all to see held aloft by first responders protesting the late paychecks and poor working conditions Quote police and firefighters don't get paid it continued. Whoever comes to rio de Janeiro won't be safe Anyway on a road leading away from the airport There was another huge sign in blue lettering on a bridge that read quote welcome But just to let you know we don't have hospitals one spokesman for the rio police force declared Concerns about the zika virus the pollution in the local bay and the city's rush to finish construction Are all being superseded by a developing worry

[23:48] Ahead of the olympic games that rio's ability to handle crime and crisis are non-existent We are in a meltdown. He said In fact government agencies are desperate the danger to civilians has never been so close at hand Monday's airport protest comes on the heels of a declaration last week by the state government of rio That the area is in a state of calamity, which could bring about a state of total collapse Brazil is facing dire threats from a collapsing economy and the city of rio has seen a huge uptick in urban violence Earlier this month rio's largest public hospital was attacked by more than 20 armed gunmen Leaving one person dead at two injured The group wore masks and carried assault rifles and was able to free a drug kingpin at the hospital

[24:36] The hospital is one of five designated for tourists during the olympic games And is the closest hospital to the maracanya stadium where the opening ceremonies will be held. Hey Maracanya, where'd that come from then on june 14th an australian olympian was mugged at gunpoint in broad daylight and had her bike stolen A bicycle worth over ten thousand dollars. Hey, wait a minute. It's me again That means somewhere in the favela right now There's a delinquent who's got no plumbing electricity to hot water, but he has a bike now. That's worth more than his house However on a positive note organizers are using twice the security force than the previous london games They're contracting in fact an international police force According to rio's acting governor francisco durelles rio police only have enough funds to fuel their cars with gasoline

[25:31] Till get this the end of this week. Hey, you know, that's not so surprising I mentioned in past shows that all throughout latin america Sometimes a cop will pull over at a gas station walk up to you and say can you spare a gallon of gas or two? We're running short. Hey, it's happened to me and believe me They're nice about it though It always makes me laugh when a fresh green gringo comes down and says johnny, you know on so-and-so avenue There's a cop car or two on the side of the road must be a speed trap I doubt it They're probably sitting under a tree reading a newspaper and they have exactly as much gas as they need To get back to the cop shop after their shift is over There's almost never enough gas to do the rounds or chase anybody. In fact in the more than two decades I've been down here. I've never once seen a high speed chase ever

[26:16] And it's not that you don't see cops doing the rounds driving around but you'll likely see five times as many Park somewhere under a tree at a gas station or in some parking lot Whatever because they're only issued between two and five gallons a day All right. Now that we're getting close to the end of the show I like to remind you to go to www dot the new expat dot com Check out master blogger john gault a lot of really great expat info there too stuff You won't find anywhere else because you know, john gault actually lives in central america He's not a temporary tourist or weekend warrior blogging from seattle or cleveland He like me lives in latin america permanently Oh, and I just like to mention that all you listeners out there who want to have a phone consult with me to discuss The details of your own plan b everyone's got different wants and needs, you know

[27:04] Note I do charge for a half an hour or an hour phone or skype consult to help you work out your plans However, if you come down to one of my seminars, you'll get that money back. The consult will be free And finally do check out my youtube channel I think I have over 70 youtube shows up by now So check out those wild and crazy photos that go along with the audio show I'm sure you'll get a few chuckles out of it. Who couldn't use a laugh these days You've been listening to the expat files living in latin america coming to you twice a week from somewhere south of the border Email me the expat files at gmail.com And if you want me to help you sort out your own latin american plans schedule a one-on-one consult with me

[27:52] Just send an email and let me know at the expat files at gmail.com