#572 – Residency, Culture, and Challenges in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border, down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came out to play and now as I wonder Hello there all you expat wannabes. I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started Okay, just a little heads up here for everyone who is thinking about getting temporary or permanent residency in Latin America Which I'm sure 95% of all you listeners out there are thinking about and you should be now about all that cruel and unusual paperwork You have to get processed up in the States while you're there the stuff

[00:48] You'll need to bring with you down to Latin America or to send to your lawyer to get that process going Let me just read a short email that I just received about an hour ago. It directly addresses that point It's from one of the people who signed on to my upcoming July 2016 expat insider seminar He like most of the attendees is getting his paperwork together up in the States in his case He's hand carrying it down so he can begin the process as soon as he hooks up with his Latin lawyer Now as most of you longtime listeners know I put together a fairly long report called how to get your residence See in Latin America, although it's fairly general and pertains to almost all Latin countries It does give the specific case of Guatemala and goes through an example of exactly what you have to do to achieve your residency there

[01:35] Anyway, it's very self-explanatory, but most people after receiving this report think wow That's a lot of hoops to jump through but luckily enough you can do it all by mail However, some people choose to do some of the process by stopping into those government offices personally Anyway, we'll read this email so you can see exactly what it's like to go into a foreign embassy office nearby you in this case New York, by the way Some Latin embassies up in the States no longer allow you to walk in and get your paperwork processed You have to do it by mail though. Thankfully most still allow walk-ins but little by little that's changing who knows why You can find out by checking on each individual Latin embassies website There'll be an English, of course, because you'll be checking the website in the state or near the state where you live

[02:22] Though without a doubt if you can make it to the nearby embassy office It's so much faster and you can get your business done immediately within the day Anyway, whereas by mail it generally takes around two weeks with a little prodding But you know the problem with visiting a Latin consulate up in the States Let's say in Chicago is that you never know if they have enough for the right personnel to get your paperwork done You'll need stamps and signatures and all that remember and you know more than one person has written me to say they've gone to the embassy In person and the executive or the ambassador or the secretary whoever wasn't there to sign the paperwork So they had to come back the next day. I know I know it shouldn't be like that But you're dealing with third-world Latins. Yep Latin embassies in the first world are staffed with third-world Latin people

[03:08] Why wouldn't they be it's their embassy. So if a worker doesn't show up or it's siesta time Are there celebrating someone's birthday or maybe celebrating any one of the 3,000 Latin holidays? We've never heard of well, let's just say the place could be understaffed by the way this particular guy who wrote the following email is going straight to permanent residency skipping temporary because He's able to prove monthly income of over a thousand bucks in his case Social Security Which of course means he has to have his Social Security printout Notarized and authenticated in this case by the Guatemalan embassy slash consulate closest to his home state By the way If you can't prove income or make an investment in the country of 30,000 bucks or more in a CD land business

[03:53] Whatever you'll start with temporary residency because it needs no income verification. Not bad, huh? Then after about a year and a half you'll jump to permanent residency automatically Well, it's not quite automatic You have to go back to your lawyer and you'll have to file a few more papers But it's a sure thing pretty much unless you've been a bad boy or girl So keep a low profile stay under the radar and don't commit any major crimes while in country Anyway, because your lawyer will have to pull a police report on you from your Latin country So the question always is what if you did something stupid and you get a bad police report from the local Latin country Well, it's not the end of the world because I've heard of cases where the lawyer can have that report cleaned up For just a small fee if you know what I mean. Now, I'm not saying I recommend or approve of that

[04:41] But it can be done. This is Latin America, you know, but where were we? Oh, yeah Here's the email I just received from our new seminar attendee who is going for permanent residency with his social security As his proof of income and I'll paraphrase here. He says hey Johnny so finally I managed to attain my copies of number one my police report called get this a certificate of obedience Hmm. And secondly my Social Security income statement now, they're all notarized and certified Now being a gringo and not a Latin I call the Guatemala and consulate in New York just to double or I should say triple or even Quadruple check I've lost count You see I positively had to check what I had to bring with me down to Guatemala to begin my permanent

[05:29] residency process and I was told I would also have to bring a copy of my birth certificate and have that certified and Legalized at the Guatemalan Embassy to so papers in hand. I arrived at the Guatemalan consulate in New York at 905 a.m. Now you might not believe this but I left that consulate today at 950 a.m. With the legalized papers in hand a total of 45 minutes However, did I really need to get that birth certificate process? Not that I'm complaining I'm not about to be grudge Guatemala the extra 10 bucks and with that speedy efficient friendly and totally Unexpected service now in that 45 minute period the people on the other side of the counter were very busy

[06:15] Obviously working hard. I was the only gringo there no special treatment that I could see though There were plenty of native Guatemalans getting their papers pushed and on my side of the counter totally Unexpectedly, there was a lot of kissing and hugging going on too. This is a good thing. I can spare time for this Imagine that happening at the DMV in the States all in all I had a good time that said Johnny I humbly suggest that you declare a quote lay off the government employees day Think of some nice things to say about them once in a while There must be some occasions like that Right in other words don't use those negative words pus or brain didn't close proximity to each other Imagine being one of them with nothing else to look forward to day after day after day

[07:02] Okay, I've said my piece done my good turn. See you in a few weeks Johnny Okay, it's me again a couple of comments on that First of all our email is right the Guatemalan consulate squeeze the next two ten bucks out of them Why to get that birth certificate authorized because you know what unless Guatemal has changed the residency law in the last two or three weeks A birth certificate is not required only your passport and all the other things He was talking about like his police report known as a good conduct report That's if you're good if it's not it's a bad conduct report And in his case because he's going for permanent residency proof of a monthly income his Social Security statement By the way just now I sent off an email to a Guatemalan lawyer, and he replied rather quickly for a Guatemalan

[07:49] Nope, he said you don't have to bring down a birth certificate. That's misinformation by the way That's one of the real values of listening to this show You can search for hour after hour on the internet and come up with a lot of conflicting information Much of it incorrect or you can listen to me And I'll give you the real skinny on things as up-to-date as is possible Which really is contradictory because you know you get what you pay for right? By the way how much did you pay to listen to this show today hmm? What I mean is you could really chase your tail spend a lot of money Get gouged or worse by just searching out things on the internet Which is why I always advise people to get boots on the ground the best way to do that is to come to one Of my seminars, but if you can't swing that just come and get your own boots on the ground And if you can't afford that just go to East LA just kidding anyway

[08:37] Like I said get some boots on the ground And if your Spanish really sucks and you're a chicken hit the tourist rail for a couple of weeks go on a package deal To Cancun or Costa Rica, whatever do dip your toes in the Latin American waters But remember when you're on the tourist rail like Costa Rica Panama Cancun most of Mexico That's not the real Latin America Those are the gringo tainted portions of Latin America and your best bet is always off the gringo tourist rail or Somewhat off the gringo tourist rail that is unless you're loaded then you can live anywhere So why not Monaco or the French Riviera, you know, and by the way when I say somewhat off the gringo tourist trail Like I mentioned before there are whole Latin countries that are considered off the gringo tourist trail Guatemala Honduras Nicaragua Salvador Bolivia Paraguay Brazil Argentina

[09:25] But they all have some gringos and some American expats and where do they congregate usually in little colonies of gringos? That's how it starts. That's how Costa Rica started to get his fame So and even countries is considered off the tourist trail like let's take Nicaragua. You've got Granada and San Juan del Sur Those are the two main areas that are on what you might consider the gringo tourist trail though You might call it the eco gringo tourist trail It's a whole different class of people who don't seem addicted to cell phones and don't bring their entitled kids Which is rather nice actually now as far as the so-called gringo tourist trail in Honduras Those would be the islands of Roatan and utila and the tiny town next to the Mayan ruins of Copan Now when in Guatemala the so-called tourist towns are Antigua and a couple of the small towns around Lake Atitlan

[10:15] You get the idea So if you fly into any of those countries you can find the two or three little on the gringo trail tourist spots But then again, those spots are nothing like the big-time gringo tourist trails You'll find in Costa Rica Cancun Playa del Carmen and well large swaths of Mexico Now whenever I'm referring to places that are slightly off the gringo tourist trail which by the way many gringo expats prefer because they're within a very close range of Everything gringo and gringos to hang out with and then of course you're talking about higher prices too But anyway, I'm talking about being located 15 minutes a half hour to maybe even two hours off the main gringo Stomping grounds and again the farther you get away from those tourists haunts even 15 minutes away by car

[11:02] Prices do start dropping dramatically By the way our emailer mentioned on his side of the counter at the Guatemalan embassy in New York There was a lot of touchy-feely hugging and kissing going on Well get used to it if you come down here You're gonna see that a lot and yes your personal space will get invaded too people will hug and kiss you Though that's almost never the case the first time you meet a Latin person But after that get ready for the full court body press Latina style So if you're afflicted with half a phobia, yes half a phobia fear of being touched or fear of touching others Well, you should skip Latin America and go to the UK Yep, you can have kippers mushy peas and all the bangers you want, but don't touch cup of tea, mate You know in a past life I lived in the UK for a couple of years

[11:49] But there was not a whole lot of hugging kissing and touching going on a pretty damn cold society If you ask me not to mention the weather almost always sucks Which is why Brits with a half a brain almost always leave But as far as Latin America the hugs the kisses the cheek pecks are endless Believe me that said as far as my general take on what happened in the New York City Guatemalan consulate office I'd say the speed at which our guy got his paperwork done was simply amazing if I didn't know better I'd think that someone dropped a chunk of crystal meth in a coffee maker because you know down here in Latin America When you go to a government office, nothing takes 45 minutes In fact down here if you stare at your watch for 45 minutes, even that'll take over an hour Wait a minute. You mean to say you've never heard of Einstein's famous Latin space-time theory down here

[12:39] It's evident every time someone has a birthday Only Einstein could explain why Latin birthdays last an entire week Oh and one last thing about getting your documents authorized and certified and apostilled at an embassy Consulate up in the states now our emailer chose to go in and do that himself good move That way he was sure to get all his stuff done in one day However, most people don't live close to their nearest Latin consulate for whatever country They're looking to get their permanent or temporary residency So they have to do it all by mail and you can do it all by mail Just go to their website and check out the instructions. However, that will surely take you all of two weeks or more So why that long your documents end up on a desk or a table somewhere and just kind of sit there until someone gets around to it

[13:25] In fact at one of my seminars about a year ago now One of the attendees sent her paperwork to the Guatemala consulate in Chicago and after around three weeks She decided to give him a call and guess what? The phone number was disconnected either out of service or more likely they didn't pay their phone bill Which is typically latin because government offices down here including public schools are always getting their Utilities shut off for a day or two or even a week because they just forget the pay of the bill or the check bounces Whatever. Anyway, this seminar attendee from Chicago She sent off a couple of emails and sure enough her papers came two days later Which is a good reminder to all you gringos expats and wannabes practically anything you do Or want to accomplish in latin america whether it's in the government or the private sector

[14:13] Let's say you're building a house Who knows you have to keep an eye on things a lot closer than you ever would had you been doing something like that up In the first world because you see even though latin americans are very nice and happy and amiable and easy to please They also have no concept of time even latin professionals. Well, especially latin professionals That's why an hour from now often means three or four hours from now tomorrow means three or four days from now And don't worry It'll be done soon can often mean never by the way That's why I recommend if you build a house or do a big construction project You set a firm finish deadline for your architect or builder And you tell them you'll give them a 5 10 or even 20 percent bonus if he meets that deadline Though 90 of the time they'll never meet it

[14:59] They'll still push longer and harder because of the incentive and since they surely won't get it done on time You won't have to pay the bonus. I know I know it sounds cruel But in the first world when a contractor says they'll be done at a certain date They're done or they get penalized by the way to build a nice single family Let's say 3000 square foot house down here. It usually takes about a year Whereas in the states it could take three to six months to do the same thing So then why so slow are latin's lazy? No, not at all The problem is the rainy season which lasts about six months So if you don't plan your project, right? You'll have a lot of workers sitting around on their dead asses or redoing things that Shouldn't even have been started in the rainy season And by the way, if you want to hear a lot more about that subject Just go to the archives and check out some of the past shows that talk about construction

[15:48] I did quite a few of them. Now. Let me change the subject just a little I met a lady this weekend who told me that she spent a lot of time in Belize Gring a lady Of course one who's been down here a very long time and she told me that she'd never recommend older americans people over 50 Let's say to live in Belize permanently because the health care absolutely sucks You long-time listeners know i've mentioned that many times before but she put a new spin on the subject by Mentioning that the last time she was there she ran into some newly contracted doctors from cuba Yep, Belize made a deal with Castro to ship in some docs Now I mentioned before that Belize is one of the few countries in the world that has no medical school of its own So it produces no doctors. So all the ones that are there have to come from other countries

[16:35] Now get this this lady said she met two cuban doctors who live like lower class white trash with driveway chickens and all that Something you'd never expect to see from real board certified medical doctors. She called it a disgrace her words Not mine so Belize has quite a few cuban doctors now and they all pretty much live in squalor because The cuban government that farms them out pays them a very low salary less than a hundred bucks a month Wow, by the way, it's reported that five out of seven doctors practicing in Belize hospitals are from cuba So just remember if you're thinking of moving to Belize permanently It's a young person's game because you know if you're under 40 years old You usually think you're invincible and chances are you haven't got any chronic diseases yet But if you're over 50, you're always thinking about the health care thing, aren't you?

[17:24] And Belize is not the place you want to be in fact If you have anything serious happen to you, they'll send you on a flight to life guess where Guatemala City or Mexico And you don't want to have a chronic disease like lupus or fibromyalgia or Crohn's disease and live in Belize Though i've heard a few gringos who own nice condos in the Belize case tell me well hell my next-door neighbor is a Cardiologist from new york and the guy in the beach house across the way. He's a thoracic surgeon from cleveland That's all well and good because those are the kind of people can afford to have a three or four hundred thousand dollar vacation Condo in the Belize case However, those us doctors are the kind of guys that only come visit their condos a couple of weeks a year And they don't bring their surgical tools either. They bring their scuba gear and deep sea fishing rods

[18:11] So if you plan on having that stroke or heart attack Make sure you're in the docks boat when you're reeling in the billfish and make sure you've got that flight for life insurance, too So go ahead if you got that kind of dough do invest in a condo or townhouse whatever in Belize They've got some very nice vacation spots But I wouldn't want to live there not permanently besides that you'd be investing at the very top of the real estate bubble But you knew that already, right? Oh, and by the way before we get too removed from the subject of getting residency I mentioned that once you've got your temporary or permanent residency and you're moving on to get that passport You never have to go and get a police report or good conduct report from your home country your old first world country You'll need to get that from your new latin country the one where you're a permanent or temporary resident

[18:58] And I guess maybe I didn't make it too clear in that show What I mentioned what kind of report you had to get because I got a few emails on that Down here. They don't call it a police report or good conduct report. They call it a report of antecedentes penales That's antecedentes penales. Try saying that five times real fast after a couple of shots of tequila I know I know it's a tongue twister, but that's what they call it the word antecedentes Sounds like the name of a mafia hitman, huh? Big johnny antecedentes Hmm kind of like that means in english antecedents, you know something that happened earlier Penales means penal or have to do with punishment So this local report you have to get before moving on to get your passport

[19:46] That's just a report of whether you've had any prior Punishments or prior offenses and for those of you watching on youtube you're seeing one of those reports right now And again, let me repeat down here You have to get two of those reports one nationally or nationwide and one from the locale or department or city you're living in No problem You can go down to your local ministadio Publico or police department and get those two reports yourself if you speak spanish well enough And that should set you back all of around five bucks However, what most gringos and expats do is they have their lawyer do that stuff Which will set you back no more than 20 bucks for the both of them And that's the beauty of having a good relationship with a latin lawyer He'll have one of the people from his office stand in line for two three or four hours

[20:31] Instead of you having to waste your time standing shoulder to shoulder and a hot sun in a sweaty line But some expat gringos especially backpackers generally who know some spanish don't mind because they have more time than money Hey twitch his own but I can think of better things to do I mean, come on as you get older you realize the most valuable thing there is is time and what's yours worth to you In fact, I remember when I was a kid there was an old chicago neighborhood bum named bing They called him bing because he could sing just like bing crossby Only difference was he was a toothless drunk and the real bing was a drunk, but he had teeth However, if you closed your eyes this chicago guy could sing white christmas or swinging on a star Just like bing even without teeth wrong place at the wrong time, I guess

[21:19] Anyway, I remember he once said to me and a couple of kids standing around, you know kids It's true money can't buy happiness, but it can buy time other people's time So you trade money for free time and you can make use of that time and be happy or sad your choice And you know us kids really didn't understand what the hell he was talking about But it makes a lot of sense now, doesn't it? Okay, then how about another email this one comes from michael in spanish That would be miguel. He says greetings johnny from mike here in sunny san gill, columbia Really enjoying your show and I thought I'd a comment on a few topics from your last installments First let's talk about crusty shower heads You fill a large ziplock bag with vinegar and put the shower head in overnight You can take the head off and put it in the bag or attach the bag to the head as it is

[22:08] In the shower next day presto clean functioning shower head. Okay, it's me johnny again Now you long time listeners know that in most of latin america The water is very hard a lot of scale and scum and slime All you have to do is check out bathroom showers toilets and sinks and you'll see what I mean By the way that leftover hard water scum is called sorrow sorrow Sounds just like boohoo Sorrow it's not spelled like the english sorrow But anyway, then mike goes on to say as you're showering with that new clean shower head Looking of course at the two frazzled electric wires hanging from it Wondering if it's going to be death by heart attack or shower electrocution Then you should consider a gas propane tankless water heater. They're easy to hook up fairly inexpensive around 300 bucks

[22:59] Well, it's me johnny again, and I think mike you're absolutely right However, I think you probably missed that show I did quite a while back all about gas propane water heaters But it is good to mention them again and that they're available everywhere in latin america In fact when I first got down to latin america I used electric tankless water heaters and I switched to gas propane Although the units are more expensive probably twice as much as electric ones They use propane, which is much cheaper in the long run and there's no danger of shock or electrocution because you're using propane gas Not electricity So then how does the flame kick in? Well, most of the modern ones use a d battery not a hookup to the electrical circuitry in your house It's all completely automatic and when you close any hot water valve in your house, it shuts off instantly

[23:46] So yes, those tankless propane water heaters are highly recommended. I've been using them for around 15 years myself Until just recently when I switched over to a solar hot water heater that's on the roof Okay, then mike's email goes on to say johnny I very much enjoyed your recent show on counterfeit dough in latin america here in columbia They have it down to a science However with more and more security measures in the various currencies the counterfeiters have switched now to believe it or not concert tickets Yes, mike says nothing more fun than attending a judas priest concert Running into five newfound friends who all have the same seat number However, not to despair if you're a gringo, especially a blue eyed tall gringo

[24:32] The young ladies don't mind sharing a seat or even sitting on your lap. What a plus, huh? However, if they're all guys and that just might be the case at a judas priest concert Then all bets are off then he signs off with peace and love at the equator megalito Thanks for that columbian report megalito. Hey, by the way now that i've got my youtube channel up I'm getting some youtube comments that are pretty wild Speaking about that show. I just did on counterfeit dough. I got this very weird youtube comment Now I don't know if this guy's for real or not, but it says quality counterfeit money for any information about our counterfeit money products Contact us by email at frank lord 769 at gmail.com

[25:18] Then it says we produce the best quality counterfeit bank notes of all countries I kid you not Now there's not a website, but just an email contact number and I gotta believe this is somebody who actually will provide such a service I mean counterfeiting's huge these days and it's signed Morgan frank or frank morgan and by the way For all you guys and girls into conspiracy theory out there and have heard the one about the wizard of oz the book that is Being about the late 19th century us banking system And the battle of the golden silver standard versus greenbacks the book actually books were written by frank balm With those underlying messages in mind oddly enough this guy frank morgan who wrote this youtube comment

[26:07] Is using the same name as the famous actor who played the wizard of oz in the original 1939 production You know don't pay attention to the man behind the curtain and all that check it out frank morgan coincidence or not Man, the weirdness never stops. You should see some of the emails I get I might not be able to answer them all but keep in coming. I appreciate it Okay, that said now that we're at the end of the show I'd like to remind you once again. You can still sign up for my july 2016 expat insider seminar to be held in and around guatemala central america mostly way way off the gringo tourist trail In fact, I promise there'll be many days and many hours You'll see hundreds of people, but you won't see a single gringo

[26:54] Except of course the gringos in our little group and that's just the way we wanted We're about two weeks from launch time now and you can still sign up by going to www.thenewexpat.com and click on the link at the top of the page that says johnny's 2016 seminar And while you're there, don't forget to check out john gault's special pre and post side trips It's a really great way to see how the locals and the expats live here in latin america off the gringo tourist trail And finally don't forget to check out my youtube channel It's a way to listen to the show and look at the wild and crazy slides and pictures that go along with it Do subscribe it's free south of the border You've been listening to the expat files living in latin america coming to you twice a week from somewhere south of the border

[27:42] Email me the expat files at gmail.com And if you want me to help you sort out your own latin american plans schedule a one-on-one consult with me Just send an email and let me know at the expat files at gmail.com