#535 – Episode 535: Navigating Bureaucracy, Water Shortages, and Legal Services in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border, down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came up to play and now as I wander Hello there all you expat wannabes I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America the show that tells you just what it's like to live Work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here So let's get started every once in a while I get an email from someone who says Johnny You know I took four years of Spanish in high school or college and I visited some Latin countries went to Mexico a couple of times And I can converse quite a bit with the locals at least I can understand them and think I can get my point across

[00:47] So bottom line some Spanish speaking listeners say they'd like to do it themselves That would be part of the fun of it in fact That's what they learn their Spanish for to mingle with the masses and do things on their own It would be logical to think not everything's that complicated Meaning gringos with a little Spanish under the belt should be able to get through it There's always the routine stuff that the average Latin American guy who's got probably a sixth or eighth grade Education manages to fumble through without a lawyer of any kind if he can do the routine stuff like signing his kids up for Public school getting a passport or an ID document opening a bank account whatever Why can't a Spanish-speaking gringo do it the fact is even the poorest most uneducated Latins go out and get that personal identification card and Believe me to get that one you have to jump through a lot of hoops by the way

[01:35] That's the little card that looks like a driver's license Latins are supposed to carry around with them at all times like a social security card In fact, I understand Latins can't even get money out of their bank account or change money without having that card on them And by the way, you'll get one of those so-called DPI's or personal identification cards yourself when you become a permanent resident in a Latin country Some of you might recall that's the identity card you get with a nice shiny RFID chip in it. That doesn't work You gotta love it here. Welcome to Latin America, but where were we? Oh, yeah, people who write me those emails are absolutely right If you know enough Spanish, you can get through the basic everyday operations that almost all Latins have to go through at one time or another They don't have lawyers and helpers and assistants to hold their hands through that stuff. They just do it

[02:24] Yes, it's true If you have more time than money the patience of an angel and a stainless steel bladder You can stand all day in government lines to hang out. There's an idea Why not rent out some cheap folding beach chairs to the miserable sides standing in line all day It doesn't have to be standing room. Only could be sitting room only and you can profit from that. No, not you I mean hire some young kid to do it. Yeah, I know what you're thinking But wait a second any of you listeners out there who think that's an idea I bet you haven't been to Latin America yet You might even recall a show I did a long time ago where I mentioned that every single government building spawns an outdoor gray market capitalistic enterprise where people sell and hawk everything from Coca-Cola to cotton candy the corn on the cob to Tortillas and pirated CDs after all when people stand in lines for hours at a time

[03:14] It's a hell of a captive audience Now that said a lot of gringos and expats have more time than money on their hands Especially backpacker types and just might want to try wangling their way through that system In fact, sometimes when I see a gigantic line somewhere in front of a government building I'll spot a lone scruffy backpacker type gringo towering above the sweaty masses Obviously, he's trying to save a few bucks by not hiring a local lawyer to run that gauntlet for him Obviously lone gringos in government lines think their Spanish is good enough to get him through it and it very well could be but the hardest Part is yet to come believe me So anyway I realized a long time ago even when I first got down here that I'd have to hire lawyers for things like that because my Spanish absolutely sucked when I got here and now of course I could brave those lines and get through the procedures

[04:04] But I'm not what you'd call a patient line stander never was I don't care if I've got a couple of books and magazines And an iPod with me. I still just hate standing in lines that said I broke a rule just yesterday It was a one-shot deal that I figured I'd do for informational purposes only of course It happened when one of my latin buddies called me early in the morning and asked me if I'd accompany him down to the immigration Office because he had to get a replacement ID That would be the so-called DPI or their version of the social security card that they're supposed to carry on them at all times like I mentioned earlier And of course that would be the card that gringos and expats get when they get permanent residency, too So you might be wondering what is DPI stand for well the D is for Datto's which is data in English

[04:51] The P is for personal which is personal and the I is for information which is information, so it's a personal Information data card and everyone throughout Latin America now has one and it's referred to as a DPI or something very similar Depending what Latin country you're in anyway as it turns out a couple of weeks earlier this Latin friend of mine Moved and he somehow lost that little personal ID card along the way and as he said now He's having trouble getting money out of the bank cashing checks and getting past guards at gated communities, etc So like he said for the last couple weeks He's been carrying around his passport when needed hoping that card will show up, but it hasn't yet Anyway, the two of us hadn't seen each other in a long time and we had to catch up on some things So I said I'd go along with them thinking of course that I could see exactly for myself

[05:41] What people have to go through to get these things done in this case a very common thing to losing an ID Document and having to get a replacement So how hard could it be? Well, just wait and see and remember this guy's a native Latin So he's got his Spanish down 100% and he's an adult in his mid 30s. So he should know the system, right? It's his country. So anyway by 9 in the morning. We're in the big city We go down to the old part of town to the section where the government buildings are and we go into the municipal building Walk into this big cavernous place and see a big sign leading down a hallway that says personal identification Documents that would be the card we're talking about Passports and birth certificates So we walked down the hall go through a big door and there are about a hundred people sitting in with signed chairs

[06:27] My Latin friend and I sat down in chair 111 and 112 and that's the order they take you in Now it looked like to get to one of the three or four service windows. It would be an impossible feat before noon So after about five minutes of gauging how fast people were moving up to those windows We figured it was gonna take three hours, maybe more to get any service at all So we looked at each other and I said man, this is no good Let's get out of here and we stood up and as we were walking out the room a guard in a government uniform Came up to me and he said come with me Venga conmigo conché, which means come with me blondie Now I'm not a blonde but any gringo with any kind of brown or sandy hair at all is called conché, which means blondie

[07:16] I guess because we're off the gringo tourist trail and we're so rare They kind of generalize and lump us into a mold, but don't we do that too can't deny that Anyway, the guard led me right past Everyone to the front of the line right up to the window Which reminded me of a story that John Galt once told me when he went to get his permanent residency They did exactly the same thing to him. He was the only gringo in the room They singled him out and walked him right past everyone who had been waiting a long long time and put them right in front of the window Now if that happened in the States you'd probably hear some booing and hissing and you might even get stabbed in the back because no one but a Scumbag politician or a pus-brained Kardashian gets the royal treatment like that So naturally I looked over my shoulder to see how many evil eyes I was getting and guess what none

[08:04] They all smiled at me a nice smile, too Which tends to make you feel even worse under the circumstances in fact? I was waiting for someone to announce over the PA gringo in the house gringo in the house because remember now We're way off the gringo tourist trail in fact like I said in the places I live work play and hang out I could walk around all day in a city of over a million people and never see a single gringo Unless of course I'm in the first world hotel district then I'm bound to run into a gaggle of fresh-faced Do-gooders from Boise giving away free water purifiers or building solar out houses for Jesus Nothing wrong with that if it makes you feel good knock yourself out However as soon as you leave chances are the free water filters will become flower pots or super salad bowls and the solar out houses

[08:52] solar dog houses That's what happens when you give out free stuff I mean come on remember how you treated your dad's car when he let you have the keys But where were we oh yeah standing in the front of the line in that big cavernous room me The only gringo and my Latin buddy then the lady behind the window started talking to me, and I said no We're here for him I'm just along for the ride And I guess that was the wrong thing to say because the guard instantly made us or I should say my buddy Go back to the end of the line, and we'd lost ground being the next two seats available were 114 and 115 and you know what we never sat down We just kept walking right out of the building you see what I mean about the gringo advantage Don't you I got to take cuts in front of over a hundred people and basically treated like a visiting dignitary

[09:42] Now seeing is believing and you really do have to get boots on the ground to experience something like that Or just talk to other gringos like for example John Galt the same thing happened to him So anyway we were standing outside that giant municipal building And it's still early in the day about 930 and I said to my Latin friend. You know there's another option here We could get the lawyer. He'll cut through all that crap in no time Then my friend snapped his finger and said hey I have an idea we could take a ride to the nearest small town That's like about a half an hour away a lot of the small towns now have the same services It's all integrated by computer now. We should be able to get this stuff done where there aren't throngs of people So we headed off to a small town and since it was one of the wealthier little towns in the country

[10:29] According to my friend with a population of about 20,000 He checked the internet on his smartphone and found out yes It did have all the government services then he said if we can't figure this thing out today and get it done over there I'll throw in the towel and call a lawyer so anyway We go to the little town square and find the municipal building walk into a big open foyer there We saw seven or eight doors each with its own Nickton scuffed up signage The first door said building permits and inspections another said oozy That's us I capital letters, which is the municipal tax collection body for the property taxes Then there was another door that said municipal water department Which suddenly reminded me that I had to use the restroom and by the way since I'm not a latino

[11:15] The world is not my urinal. Yes early on my mother taught me how to hold my water and use restrooms So I walked through the door next to the municipal water department turned out It was the men's restroom and immediately I saw a lady on her hands and knees scrubbing the floor now I don't know if I mentioned this in a past show But many times you'll walk into a restroom in Latin America and there'll be a lady in there cleaning up now for gringos That's highly unusual. When's the last time you walked into a public restaurant in a hotel or McDonald's or whatever and the lady just kept cleaning without skipping a beat Meanwhile, you just kind of stand there waiting for her to get out or tell you to get out or something But you see down here that'll never happen. She'll just keep on working Now I know there's some gringos who can never get used to that especially guys like my brother who are pea-shy

[12:01] However, I'm not afflicted with that particular psychological element. So enough said about that Anyway, like I said, I noticed the cleaning lady scrubbing the restroom floor and she looked up and smiled Obviously, I was probably the first gringo she'd ever spoken to in her life too bad Her memory of that centered around a smelly ass public municipal bathroom, huh? Anyway, she turned to me and sheepishly said sorry, but you can't use the restroom. It's out of service I said why she said Los siento. No, I agua now you hear that a lot in Latin America And you see a lot of makeshift signs like that, too Los siento. No, I agua now I think we should have some t-shirts made up like that because you hear it so damn much And of course, it means there's no water. So do you get it?

[12:46] Do you now realize why big brother is never gonna take hold in Latin America if you're not getting it? Let me spell this out for you right next to the door that says restroom It says municipal water department and they've got no water in the building Oh, they have plumbing and pipes and toilets and such but no water or water pressure Which of course is another reason you don't want to be on municipal water unless you have a gigantic Cistern to collect every little bit of water that dribbles through your main municipal pipe now Maybe you'll get eight or ten hours of water a day and the rest of the day nothing So you want to collect all that water in your cistern? So overnight it'll be completely filled and you'll have plenty of water for the day You can do that just by collecting the slow dribble But you have to collect it when you've got water pressure then of course you have an auxiliary electric pump

[13:33] Which is like a sump pump They're cheap around a hundred bucks and that pump will keep the normal water pressure in your house 24-7 pulling water from the cistern when there's no pressure from the main line and you'll never know that because it's all automatic And if it sounds like putting a system like this together is a pain in the ass. It's not it's rather simple It's a one-time cost of about three to five hundred bucks and you're set forever So then you have to ask why doesn't the municipal water authority have a cistern to have water in their building 24-7 The only answer to that is the or perhaps the money was allotted But a scumbag politician or worker walked off with it Or perhaps they have one in the pumps broken because no one does any maintenance That says a hell of a lot about the efficiency and capabilities of a government doesn't it and it also tells you you need

[14:21] A big cistern in a pump or better yet your own well And by the way, nearly all suburban gated communities have their own well So they're not at all dependent on a municipal water supply oh and one more thing you can tell the quality and class of an establishment by how they name their bathrooms in Latin America if it's a real low-end deal like a gas station will say Banyo B-A-N-O and a little more upscale place will have a sign that says hombres men Are you an hombre? Well, they think you are and yet a higher-class place will have a sign that says Caballeros, which means gentlemen, by the way There's a famous latin song that was translated in the 40s into English called the gay Caballero El Caballero de Vertido and depending on how you feel about it

[15:09] You might say good song bad title or bad song good title your choice So anyway, we walked through the door that said birth certificates passports IDs, etc And there were a total of ten chairs in the place and get this an entire wall Consisting of a chaotic stack of bound and bundled papers that went to the ceiling. What a mess Anyway to our relief there were only ten seats and two of them were occupied How's that took us about five minutes to get called up to one of the three desks? Which in itself blew my mind because in the big city version of the passport ID section They had over a hundred chairs and five service windows typical government, huh? Everything asked backwards So anyway, we sat down at one of these desks and it wasn't a window like at the big municipality was a regular office desk

[16:00] Then my friend explained he lost his identity card and needed a replacement So the lady said you have to get a boleto or natto at the bank But not just any bank you have to go to Bank rural which happened to be about eight or nine blocks away How convenient, huh? Now, by the way that boleto or natto is one of the most useless pieces of government crap You'll ever see cost about two bucks. And all it is is a piece of paper saying that you paid two bucks Extortion pure and simple, but it's only two bucks worth of extortion So anyway as we're walking out my Latin buddy stopped and said wait a minute Let me ask her what else we need and he said what else do we need and she said well while you're at the Bank you tell the person at the window that you're getting a renewal of your national ID document And that will cost around ten dollars to which my friend said then what she said

[16:50] Bring back the boleto or natto and the ten dollar receipt, too So as we walked out of the building my friend said good thing I asked that question or we'd be going back and forth to that bank all afternoon Then I said yeah, what about you numb nuts? Why don't they post a procedure in what you need right in the office or hand you a piece of paper that says what? You need or something. What's wrong with these people, but I knew the answer to that one and so do you they don't hire stars The best and the brightest they hire their friends and relatives So not knowing exactly where the bank was we took the car the nine blocks and waited about a half hour in line there Paid and got the two receipts and by the way, that makes you wonder what kind of deal They have going with Bank Rowell since there's at least 20 banks in the country You got to wonder what maggot brained politicians on the board of directors of that bank

[17:36] Meanwhile back at the government office again with only two people in line We waited another 10 minutes and handed her the paperwork. She then printed out a copy of his birth certificate She hands the two receipts and the birth certificate to him and says now I need two photocopies of these three things Then I said do you have a photocopier? She said it's not working, but she says you can go down three blocks There's a cafe internet and they've got a photocopy machine there. So we're off to the cafe internet. It's closed We go into the pharmacy next door. Good news. They have a copy machine bad news. It's out of toner Alas, dear listeners be prepared for extreme highs and lows when living in latin america, especially when dealing with government Where was I? Oh, yeah, then our spirits were lifted again. We find out there's another cafe internet about two blocks down

[18:25] It's lunchtime. They're closed. However, right next door is a place called the libera ria Which sells papers and pencils and office materials and they have a copy machine and they make the copies Two of each which makes six copies for a grand total of get this 35 cents So now we truck back to the government office and believe it or not It's open during lunch hour. In fact, my friend and I had a running bed It would be closed and I lost so I had to buy lunch This time there were a number of people in there So we were at number four and number five as the dirty smeared stickers on the chairs signified Oh, and by the way, I got to tell you across the street was a kind of a taco restaurant stand And the guy was blasting this wretched ranchero music. You couldn't even hear yourself speak

[19:11] By the way, ranchero music is what you might call dumbed down latin country music if that's possible You know it when you hear it and you know it when you see it because all the guys have a requisite pot belly And way over the top cowboy boots and bullfighter outfits with big sombreros if you've ever seen a mariachi band You know what i'm talking about. So the noise was deafening, but no one seemed to care. In fact, they liked it Everybody in the place including the pot belly guard at the door and the two little barefoot raggedy kids that kept popping in and out Were smiling happy as can be and occasionally doing a little head nodding toe tap with the music And one of the workers there a lady behind the desk was actually singing along Not too badly either. So the next step fingerprints and pictures Which took another 10 minutes or so because they just couldn't seem to get those fingerprints, right?

[20:01] Nope, even in latin america. They don't use ink blighters anymore Now you put your fingerprints on one of those green laser scanners now in making small talk with the lady She mentioned the machine breaks down two or three times a month and they all get to go home. Happy days, huh? Anyway next then after that a couple more forms to fill out They gave my buddy a receipt that said come back in 20 days or so for the finished product and we were off Now thankfully there was a phone number on that piece of paper So you could check and see if it was actually ready because this is latin america, you know land of manana time Oh, and here's something else I noticed in that room There was a rather large sign posted on the wall above those desks It said in spanish Along with the telephone number which translates to

[20:51] If you have any complaints or denouncements or suggestions call this number Well, I did have plenty of suggestions. So I dialed it up and guess what? No answer. I dialed again No answer again and the good news. Well, at least they didn't put me on hold So there you have it. We started the mission at nine in the morning and we're finished by two in the afternoon But we really weren't finished because now he's got to wait 20 days or so to pick up the document Total cost though not including gas around 12 bucks Now do note if we would have stayed in the big city and tried to get this done in that room where they had the hundred Plus chairs there's a good chance a gringo speaking Very good spanish could get that done in the same time because you've got that gringo advantage and you skip to the headline

[21:38] Maybe and you know what being a gringo people will even wave you through in banks grocery stores restaurants You name it happens to me all the time In fact, it can be kind of embarrassing, but when you're on the gringo tourist trail forget about it So anyway, that's what it's like dealing with government offices You need to really know your spanish or you'll simply be lost That's why us gringos and expats always use our lawyers for things like that Then he'll tell you when you have to show up to sign things and you won't have to wait in those blasted lines and do all That running around so what might that set you back? What will it cost? Well, let's talk about this case where you have to have a national id replaced Probably around 50 to 100 bucks plus the 12 dollar expenses along the way Whereas on the gringo tourist trail, they'll probably be double or triple that so then you might ask why do you need a lawyer?

[22:29] Why can't you just hire a latin friend or bilingual college student to help you with that kind of stuff? Sure, you can do that and for the complicated stuff hire a lawyer, but you don't want to be calling your lawyer for every little thing He's not a concierge service Think if you hired your lawyer up in minneapolis to come down to the phone company For example and help you pick out a cell phone in a service First of all, he'd laugh at you and say he was too busy And if he did come down it would cost you 200 bucks an hour And by the way, this is really not a plug But I have to mention that john gulp himself is setting up such a service in antigua Guatemala for people who plan on living working playing or staying there He's run into many clueless gringos who need a kind of concierge service So john gulp's working on it for those of you who are thinking about antigua. Guatemala. Keep your posted on there

[23:16] Okay. Now here's something of interest for all you healthy folks out there and healthy wannabes and guannabes This starts with an email from christie It says hi johnny just a note about a possible income source for someone with a farming background So johnny as this gmo crap gets more entrenched in the states and elsewhere There could be quite a market for non-gmo corn and corn products such as cornstarch cornflower and corn tortillas She says if they are able to outlaw gmo labeling it will tie the hands of all us producers But we'll open the door for those outside the us to promote their own non-gmo products via the internet However, this might necessitate something like sending boxes with multiple orders to a mail drop in some place like florida

[24:04] And then having individual packages sent from there the actual details up to the person who is involved in that business Anyway, just wanted to put this out there in case someone might be interested. Thanks christie Well christie as a matter of fact, I happen to know a couple of organic farmers here in latin america myself I've been meaning to put one of these farms on my expat insider tour I have it on my list as a plan b in case my other boots on the ground locations fall through I know we'll get there eventually and of course i'm talking about 100 non-gmo organic farms that are owned and operated by expat gringos So yes, some have made big successes out of organic farming, but do they ship to the states? Well, I don't know. I guess i'll have to find that out But I do know that some of them supply organic produce, etc

[24:52] To organic and gourmet restaurants and to gringos and upscale locals who know the difference So I guess in the future if there's enough interest at one of my seminars I will make a point to take them there And you know funny enough my seminars draw people from all walks of life I get dyed in the wool city dwellers as well as farmers and even homesteaders who are off the grid up in the states That's right people who are 100 energy self-sufficient Now speaking of organic food and gmo's regarding gmo legislation. Now. That's a political hot potato People are always asking what the state of gmo legislation is in latin america Of course, it's ever shifting But first let's talk about bt crops which are crops engineered to grow in round-up ready weed killer

[25:38] So we're talking about not only gmo crops, but crops that are hit with roundup Which is glyco phosphate and you know what that does to humans and other living things. So here's the latin american list You've got gmo cotton. I know that's not a food But if they're using roundup on this stuff, which they are it'll get into neighboring food crops and the water table, too You've got your gmo cotton crops approved in columbia mexico and costa rica And as for government approval of using gmo corn approvals in argentina el solvador honduras Panama uragway and mexico you might remember mexico banned it for a while and now it's been overturned and they can use it again And gmo soybeans have been approved in argentina paragway mexico and uragway

[26:24] gmo tomatoes approved in chili So there you have it. That's the short list of gmo approved stuff being grown in latin america And by the way, my advice don't eat anything from anywhere that has corn or soybean in it Unless of course you're buying certified organic Oh, and by the way, I was reading something other day that said that societies that don't have corn at all in their diets Don't have osteoarthritis either Hmm, how about that? I see we're getting to the end right now So don't forget to go to www The new expat.com and peruse the website that made john gault famous and he's letting me take along on that website, too And do check out my new youtube channel go to youtube and plug in the expat files or just expat files

[27:11] Then you can see exactly what i'm talking about on each show as I blather away Oh, and I almost forgot. I ran into expat eddie the other day and he's got a t-shirt that has four letters on it It says v w y f v w y f he said to ask you listeners what you think the letters stand for South of the border You've been listening to the expat files living in latin america coming to you twice a week from somewhere south of the border Email me the expat files at gmail.com And if you want me to help you sort out your own latin american plans schedule a one-on-one consult with me Just send an email and let me know at the expat files at gmail.com. Nos vemos