#525 – The Expat Files: Navigating Bribery, Parking, and Privilege in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border, down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came up to play and now as I wander Hello there all you expat wannabes I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the Expat Files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started You know, it's funny ever since I told that story I think it was on the last show about getting pulled over at a roadblock by Latin cops Which turned out to be just a little Christmas time extortion game for them that by the way backfired It didn't work out. They came out of it. No richer and I came out of it with a good story

[00:49] Anyway long and short-term gringo expats have been weighing in on the very same thing since I told that story Telling me their experiences and some of them are pretty hilarious Now a long time ago on a previous show I mentioned I got the shakedown at the Nicaraguan border by not the customs guys or the adwana guys But by a lone cop in his cruiser about a mile from the border station you see I pulled into a lone gas station out in the boonies and when I went into the 7-eleven part of the gas station to pay for the gas I noticed there was a sweaty fat cop sitting in there trying to take advantage of the air conditioning Which wasn't much working at all and when I walked out to my car, he followed me So there I was out in the boonies a mile from the Nicaraguan border and that border station is very small and out in the boonies

[01:37] Too in fact, I just passed through it about 10 or 15 minutes earlier. They made a cursory check of my car No problem. And now it looked like once again I was gonna have the Nicaraguan federales go through all my stuff And you know I had just the right kind of car for traveling through Latin America a nondescript 7 or 8 year old Suzuki Gran Vittara station wagon complete with the requisite scratches and dings and this guy maybe take every little thing out of my car He went through my glove compartment under the seats pop the hood and then naturally he found something wrong with my paperwork It was around Christmas time. So I expected as much and that's when I said to him. Okay, look Let's go back to the border station and talk to them They just let me and cleared all my paperwork put me in the computer, etc. Etc. Let's find out why they think my paperworks

[02:25] Okay, and you don't that's when he got a little bit friendlier But he just wouldn't let me go just kept on talking about cousin Hey Zeus and Julio up in the States and how he was gonna go up and visit someday Maybe even get a job. Anyway, the clock was ticking It was getting kind of dark and I thought oh man I'm never gonna get rid of this guy and finally I'm looking at the pile of all the stuff I took out of the car was on the ground now and finally he picked up a long thin box It had one of those four foot fluorescent lights in it, you know the fixtures He looked at it with longing eyes held it up and said can I have this and I think I paid 15 or 20 bucks for it and I thought what the hell if that's what it takes So I said sure you can have it And he nodded gracias señor and then I put my hand behind the front back seat

[03:11] I have a little box on the floor back there and I handed him a plastic two liter bottle of coke and he was so Thankful. He helped me pack everything back in the car need as can be now That was a while ago, but from then on I really changed my strategy I decided I'd always carry little items like that in that little box in back of my car just in case So now I carry four or five packages of very cheap local junk food like chicharon is a Latin favorite Which is nothing more than fried pigskin. Yep And by the way, there's a popular song out on Latin radio right now It's called chicharon corn pillows, which means fried pigskin with hair on it Which does not paint a pretty picture, but you should see those latinas dance to it, but I digress. Where was I? Oh, yeah, I carry stuff like that and a plastic liter or two bottle of the cheap local coca-cola

[04:02] It's around half the price of real coke I think they call it cola grande or something and yes The bottles look nearly the same because well, they pirate everything down here. Anyway, now I don't get pulled over much at all in Latin America The last time was well a week or so ago and then before that a year maybe two years can't remember and guess what? At the Nicaragua border was the last time I ever had to pay real more Dita. That's what they call it You know a bite that would be a bribe since then every time I've been pulled over I either get out of it completely or it cost me a bottle of cheap fake coke and some real bad cheap junk food Chicharrones because you know the cops down here have not graduated to donuts yet too expensive down here a small bag of cheap local junk food believe it or not ten to twenty five cents as

[04:48] Opposed to donuts which are fifty cents to a buck each But you know since in the last 20 or 30 years cops and donuts up in the states are the running bad joke I think the lag time effect on that down here will kick in shortly since like I mentioned a past show Dunkin donuts has arrived and a cloned latin version called get this American donuts has started franchising down here, too So you go into one of these places even early morning and late in the evening You'll never see a cop not yet But the bottom line here is that I have a little box in the back when I'm traveling You know I don't keep it with me all the time when I'm in the big city But if I'm traveling around from country to country town to town out in a boonies by car I always have a little box like that with me now just recently my expat buddy John Galt from his great site

[05:35] Www the new expat comm he passed on this good bit of information to me He knows a lot of gringos and latins who drive a lot So he's heard from people on how to successfully maneuver your way through those roadblocks without paying a bribe he says what seems to work the best is to have somewhere in the backseat of your car a Cooler some very cheap beer and maybe even a half pint of some real rut gut whiskey doesn't matter to them as long as the bottle says whiskey and by the way They've got a real snazzy looking Johnny Walker red clone down here that can generally fool a drunk So it'll do just fine. And why do I say drunk? Well, guess what the latest statistics from WHO the World Health Organization report that one in three Latin American males is a recovering or chronic

[06:22] Alcoholic one in three and I can attest to that of all the Latin males I've known more than superficially nearly all of them has said to me that they once had an alcohol problem How's that? But where were we? Oh, yeah, we were talking about what really comes in handy when you get pulled over by the cops Now according to my buddy, John Galt What really does a trick is to carry around some very very cheap cigars with you, too John Galt claims once you give a cop a cigar you're kind of like blood brothers from then on well at least till you drive away So I'm thinking hey great idea. So thanks for that little tip. Mr. Galt, but for my little copper care package I think I'll skip the beers and stick with the Coca-Cola clones and definitely get a few of those nasty ass cheap cigars

[07:07] When by the way since we're talking about having liquor in the car The fact is you can have just about anything in your car Except maybe a bazooka and an unregistered gun or two and the cops will leave you alone Even if you've got ten cases of whiskey in your car They'll just look it over Longingly and hope to get a bottle or two. In fact, even if you have open liquor in the car It doesn't seem to matter to the cops Sure If the cops are having a particularly bad day and you're driving crazily They might give you a DUI test, you know, make you walk the line Since I've yet to see a cop with an actual breathalyzer on the gringo tourist trail anyway But get this even so if you fail a sobriety test, you'll just get a ticket They won't take the car from you you get to drive it home or wherever you were going

[07:54] In fact one Latin guy I know who really likes to drink. He's one of those statistics. I mentioned earlier He told me in the past he'd been pulled over for this and that usually at one of those typical stops where they just point At your car and you pull over He said one time he flunked a sobriety test and he drove off because he wasn't that bad off and another time He was really drunk and he just sat for about 45 minutes alongside the road with the cops until he advised them He was okay to drive each time. He said he got a ticket, but it was only something like 25 bucks Okay, then what about women drivers when pulled over at a roadblock? Well, since it's such a macho society They do have a great advantage just a fake smile and a come hither Look go get any girl out of a ticket in general unless of course

[08:39] She's a snooty upscale woman in an SUV that's worth more than the cops house the kind of stuck-up upscale Latin woman that'll look down her nose at a lowly cop in between making an appointment with her hairdresser on her smartphone then the lowly cop will surely play games with that woman as One ex Latin cop told me who's now a bodyguard for a wealthy Latin guy Oh, and by the way, he says now he makes more money about 500 bucks a month instead of 350 or 4 as a cop He gets to wear a nice suit not to mention his boss provides free meals besides He says he gets to hang out in upscale malls and nice places like Costco Starbucks and I hop And nope when he told me that with an excited grin. I did not laugh in his face

[09:25] I left in my head though. Now get this He was an illegal alien up in the States got deported after about five years So his English was about 40 or 50 percent mostly Los Angeles Latin ghetto speak Anyway, he told me that the police department recruiters in Central America Anyway, actually look at certain guys deported from the States as an asset Why because Latin police departments and in fact many Latin employers believe the more English, you know The higher class you are so police departments. Anyway, why don't I have what they consider high-class people working for him? So anyway, like he said it was to his advantage to have been deported from the States because he got a skill Yeah, he actually said that and you know it doesn't even raise a red flag in the mind of a police recruiter that the guys committed a million crimes because

[10:13] Once you sneak into the US you get fake IDs and fake social security numbers and basically you're telling lies 24-7 well, let's just say if a natural born American pulled that crap He'd soon be fitted for an orange jumpsuit and he'd be oh so careful where he dropped that bar of soap in the shower So anyway, this former Latin cop told me that when they pull over someone, especially a woman They look at the last two names on the license very closely because you remember down here in Latin America The last name is the mother's maiden name and the second last name is the married name or if you're not married your father's Last name now this former cop mentioned as anyone knows down here There are 10 or 20 big Latin families that own most of everything and that's true with every Latin country and Latin cops are keenly aware of this

[11:01] Less they roused or manhandle a person from one of those families and the hammer coming down on them later For example, one of the big-time famous landowners here in Latin America has the last name Castillo, which means castle Of course, there are others like Lara Pice Roble certain names Most Latin is recognized as high-powered families work talking about old wealth here Some of it going back to Spanish rule in the kings and queens of Spain These are people whose distant ancestors were on the receiving end of big colonial land grants Which is how they got rich in the first place besides the fact that for hundreds of years They had a nice indigenous crew of slaves come to think of it with the average person making 10 to 15 bucks a day In a way, it's still like that. Anyway, this former illegal alien former Latin American cop

[11:49] And now bodyguard to a rich family told me that when he was a cop all of his cop buddies were aware of The certain 10 or 20 big names in the country and if one of them popped up in any kind of incident They'd tread lightly very lightly Now if someone has the name Castillo that doesn't mean he or she belongs to that famous family There are lots of Castillos pole ones, too But when you've got two wealthy family matches with one name For example the last name Lara and a second last name Castillo with those probabilities You've certainly got a hit in that case The cop says sometimes whatever infraction the lady has committed she gets a police escort wherever she's going case closed Wait a minute. Doesn't that kind of thing occur in pustulant wastelands like Washington DC to

[12:38] Hmm. Anyway, the cops know what side their bread is buttered on Oh, and by the way, don't worry about the cops ever running your plate or your driver's license They've got none of that technology and often their radios don't even work. They're just using their own cell phones Now, of course, I'm talking about when you're off the gringo tourist trail Which constitutes 95% or more of the Latin American landmass however, when you're on the gringo tourist trail or in a supposedly Developing first-world wannabe latin country like Costa Rica Panama or Chile and Argentina Well, if you get pulled over there the technology occasionally does work But don't count on it which can believe it or not be a good thing But back to the point when ladies are pulled over by the cops the former cop told me no matter who they are

[13:24] Even if there are nobody they almost always get a free pass unless they're rude or uppity to the cops And he said if it's something serious like for example a car accident and the lady breaks down and cries That always works in her favor, too So all you gringo expat wannabes and gonna bees out there keep that in mind keep those tear ducts lubed Oh, and by the way ladies, I'm talking about expat gringas here and gringo visitors That means no need to carry a six-pack and a cooler of beer a half pint of pirated Johnny Walker or a couple of smelly Cheap stogies in your car either just be polite and be ready to turn on the tears if necessary Oh, and by the way ladies Remember that lesson from last show when the famous Captain Mango and I were pulled over a week or two ago and the young latin lady in the car would not get out

[14:12] Because she knew she didn't have to because it's law in most latin countries that a woman does not have to get out of the Car without a female officer present. So ladies if you get pulled over just learn this simple phrase Policia mujer por favor Policia which means police mujer which means woman por favor, please police woman, please When by the way down here in Latin America the ratio of police women that's females to males in the so-called National police forces is around 50 to 1 50 males to 1 female However in the transit police those would be the ones that give you moving violation tickets and parking tickets, etc They were a completely different uniform than national cops in any Latin country Anyway, the female cop to male cop ratio there is much better

[15:00] And that's mostly because the majority of these ladies direct traffic or are meter maids And by the way the word meter maid in Spanish is not sexist Anyway, the female ratio with transit cops is about 1 in 10 not good But about five times better than the national cop ratio Oh, and by the way, this is especially for gringa and expat lady drivers If you're gonna park anywhere in the city always try to park in a parking lot not on the street or some guy He'll generally try to extort a few bucks out of you to watch your car However, like I said in the past show since those guys will also wash your car with pretty nasty dirty water Anyway, if you have them wash your car, which usually costs around two bucks You won't have to pay the buck or so extortion fee for watching it. Actually. He's not watching it

[15:45] You know, it's just a protection racket. If you don't pay him He might do something nasty to it Oh and by the way ladies if your Spanish kind of sucks and even if your Spanish is pretty good Note that in pretty much all medium and large Latin cities now, they've got some very crazy looking parking meters Sometimes they'll be single units just sitting there as normal and you stick the local funny money coins in there Which by the way is no guarantee the money will actually register some time for you Whereas sometimes when you see this more often now, they'll be designated painted outlines on the street with numbers on them So when you park your car You're supposed to walk down the street and look for the single meter that registers all the cars on that strip might be Four might be six might be even ten cars to that one single meter So you go up to that little meter punch the button for the space you're in

[16:34] Let's say you're in space three and put your coins in then it'll register how much time you have in your parking spot Sounds easy, right? I'm sure there's a lot of those setups in the States. So you know what to do, right? Not quite first of all You have to know that the word maintenance practically doesn't exist in the Spanish language and worse yet When it comes to the government everything that's not brand new is run down falling apart So parking meters of all kinds, especially ones that are a little more sophisticated. Well, good luck with that So then what are you supposed to do because you know Sometimes you'll be in a very safe area of a city and you will have to park on the street because the private Lots are all full So then how do you know if you're in a safe enough area of the city to park on the street? Well, if there are a lot of nice cars and SUVs parked there should be very safe

[17:19] In other words, you don't want your car to stand out as the nicest one there That said as a preference. I almost always would rather park in a lot So anyway, if you are stuck parking on the street and using one of those meters What are you supposed to do if they don't work? Well, you know, this is Latin America So there'll always be some little street urchin there who walk up to your car and say hey I'll load up the meter for you and even if it doesn't work as long as he's standing there and a parking meter cop comes by He'll signal the cop that he's watching out for your car That's always the arrangement the parking meter cops know the machines don't work half the time and the little urchin That's watching your car as a handful of change. That's his job day in and day out And sometimes of course, he'll wash your car too for two bucks

[18:06] So what will happen then is when you come back he'll say well you were here for two hours. That'll be two bucks Whatever. Oh, and by the way, you'll know whether the parking meter or meters He's attending are busted or not by how much he charges if for example The parking meter will take a buck or 50 cents for an hour and it's broken That's what the guy will charge because then he won't have to be feeding the machine. That's clear profit for him However, if the parking meter or meters actually work the little urchin will be feeding the meter for you So when you come back you'll have to pay him that plus a little for his margin and down here in Latin America the highest Hourly parking rate I've ever seen off the gringo tours trail That is is around three bucks an hour, but that's very rare Whereas the normal parking garage or meter rates are around 50 cents to a buck 50 an hour

[18:55] Oh, and by the way in a lot of the very high-end malls that are slightly out of the city in the burbs They have sophisticated automatic parking gates with cameras and counters to tell you which spots are empty and which are open And what always cracks me up is they buy these machines from the states. So everything's in English, you know Insert ticket here with metallic strip facing up Which is why so many times you'll find yourself behind a person who can't quite figure it out And you'll wait in your wait until an attendant comes and sticks his private pass in there and lets the guy through And another thing that really cracks me up in a lot of those sophisticated automatic parking garages They'll have the automatic gate there and an attendant 24-7 He's just standing there all day in his suit doing nothing though

[19:42] Sometimes you can hand him the ticket and he'll stick it in for you must be a deeply satisfying job experience, huh? You'll see it when you come down here. The labor redundancies in Latin America are Incredible many employers can afford to double even triple up on manpower because they pay these guys only two to three hundred bucks a month And note when you go to one of these big Luxurious high-end shopping malls many of them five or ten miles out in the burbs Sometimes you'll find the parking spree and sometimes you can stay up to four hours for only a buck or two So anyway, ladies and gents if you're parking on the street in Latin America and a little urchin comes up to you and says he'll watch or wash your car or Plug the meter for you while you're gone

[20:28] Whether it's working or not as much as you and I don't believe in petty extortion like that Go ahead and let him do it. Otherwise find the real parking garage So do I ever park on the street once in a great while when the parking lots are filled and the cars around me are Better than mine. So then do I pay the little urchin? Well, I always say to him I'll pay you when I come back if there's no marks on my car at all or I'll let him wash my car for two Bucks and that's a fair trade Even so if they want to charge you especially at night for watching your car I'll never give him the full rate if they ask for two bucks I'll give him 50 cents and sometimes if they're a pushy nasty type I'll come back from wherever I was and inspect the car and say hey the deal was there would be no scratches or dents

[21:14] In my car and then I'll point went out because I always do have a few dents and scratches That happens to even the most fastidious of gringo expense You'll get over it and the little guy will almost never be able to talk his way out of the fact that there's a scratch there Even though it was probably there for two years. So that's what I do and you can do it It'll work for you But it works best if you know a certain amount of Spanish the cops and the urchins off the gringo tourist trail will not speak English and though the urchin might be wearing a 2002 ZZ top world tour t-shirt with all the cities and concert dates They don't know what the hell those gringo words mean But they certainly know that all the cool and upscale kids have clothes with English words on them Okay, now it's time for an expat Eddie Christmas story

[21:59] Yep had to spend a little time with expat Eddie around the holidays He leads a strange and interesting life as do many long-term expats. Yep, you'll find out We're all just a little bit eccentric now as for expat Eddie He lives in a guarded gated upscale community in the burbs of San Salvador There happens to be a lot of wealthy Latins living in his neighborhood extreme gringo wannabes as he puts it and with their gringo wannabe Intolerable kids too. In fact a couple of doors down. There's a spoiled little rich kid who lives with his parents He's around 22 years old who until this Christmas season Anyway has always been driven around by the family chauffeur and one of daddy's three boxy show-off SUVs one of which is a ridiculously huge monster of a car a Chevy Tahoe though. It's black

[22:47] It's a big white elephant. You can't park it anywhere The narrow streets of the big city aren't made for cars like that There's a number of reasons but like I've said so many times before it's all about the show anyway as Eddie tells it Right before Christmas guess what this young entitled kid who previously always had a driver got a new car His daddy bought him a brand new Corvette and Eddie says it's the only really late model Corvette He's ever seen in San Salvador Yes, Eddie says his brand is banking new and it can barely get over the Tumulos That's the speed bumps in their own gated community Imagine what it's like with some of those massive Tumulos in the naked city of San Salvador Not to mention the potholes and the occasional flooding and the raining season So what he said the kids naturally showing off by revving it up and driving it around their gated community like a madman

[23:38] Sometimes even laying rubber, of course everybody in the colony the subdivision is annoyed But not enough to actually go over and knock on the door and complain because his dad's a really big so-and-so who owns a chain Of hardware stores a cement company and a bunch of drugstores So the neighbors remain calm and tolerate his brat kids though Eddie doesn't so anyway This kid gets the worst car imaginable for Latin America a new Corvette Then early on Christmas Eve Day Eddie was about to drive out of his little community Going through the guard check entrance as usual And when Eddie got there that kid with the Corvette was right in front of him Rubbing his motor and waiting to take off too as soon as the guy lifted the gate So Eddie pulled right up behind him the kid stepped on it laid some rubber and peeled out

[24:25] so Eddie, you know just shook his head said a few f-words and took a left out of his subdivision and Sure enough about three-quarters of a kilometer up. There was a police roadblock yet They were trolling for Christmas presents from the high rollers in the subdivisions around the area and guess who was pulled over at the side? Mr. Gringo wannabe Corvette standing there Arguing with the cop as the cop rode out a ticket now. They didn't pull Eddie over He's got a six-year-old Toyota pickup truck with a couple of dings and bangs. Nothing terrible Just the right vehicle for a guy bombing around in Latin America So then what happened next Eddie pulled alongside the kid rolled down the window gave the kid a big smile and said in Spanish Howdy neighbor everything. Okay, the kid gave a half-ass nod and Eddie took off about five kilometers ahead

[25:14] Eddie pulled into a big shopping center had to do his last-minute Christmas shopping traffic was tight lot of cars In fact the day before Christmas is the busiest traffic day of the year in Latin America down here It's not black Friday. Nobody knows what that is though lag time on that is catching up, too Anyway, an hour later Eddie pulled out of that shopping center He heads down that same road a couple of more kilometers to another shopping plaza. However halfway there. There's another Christmas police roadblock and guess what the same Corvette pulled over again couldn't happen to a nicer guy And of course Eddie driving that six-year-old pickup truck They let him slide by though He did stop again roll down the window beep the horn wave and give the kid a nice big grin once again This time the kid looked at him for a second and looked away just as quickly

[26:02] So then Eddie was on his way doing more chores and he doubled back a half hour later He passed that very same roadblock again and the kid with the vet was still there this time Alongside him was a big black ridiculous Tahoe SUV It seems daddy and his driver were outside talking to the cops. Yep. It was big daddy to the rescuer So it seemed oh, I forgot to mention the most important part. There was another police cruiser parked behind the Corvette and Stenciled in white letters on the side of that vehicle were the words division the narcotic goes which means narcotics division So as it turns out this idiot 20-something had a nice big stash of ecstasy and some other designer drugs in his new vet Of course, he had just the right car for the lowest possible profile to write now

[26:53] Of course, the story is not over Eddie said his dad had some massive pulse So the kid will probably get out of it But that's the kind of stuff that goes on down here sound familiar Seems like that could happen in any old upscale neighborhood in Cleveland, right? Except for the fact that up in the States It's difficult to pay the cops off and if you tried that you probably lose your driving privileges forever and maybe even get fitted With that orange jumpsuit whereas down here if you've got the dough and the right last name It's usually a get out of jail free card now if gringos get into sticky situations like that They don't have the right last names, but they have that gringo advantage, which could be just as good south of the border You've been listening to the expat files living in Latin America coming to you twice a week from somewhere south of the border

[27:42] Email me the expat files at gmail.com And if you want me to help you sort out your own Latin American plans schedule a one-on-one consult with me Just send an email and let me know at the expat files at gmail.com. No spamos