#492 – The Expat Files: Political Corruption and Life in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border, down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came up to play and now as I wander Hello there all you expat wannabes I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the Expat Files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started Okay. Now remember on the last show I was trying to explain all the craziness and the political shenanigans that are going on in Guatemala Mentioning that the vice president was now in jail and that the president was about to have his immunity stripped So he could go to trial too since a huge corruption ring was discovered that worked its way all away from the presidency

[00:52] On down through the vice president on through the presidential cabinet Most of whom resigned and fled the country in the last few weeks the corruption scheme called la red or the line Because it was a line leading directly from the president all the way down to the port authorities That's the shipping ports where all the taxes for the country are collected on imports and exports That's where the skimming took place up to 5 million US dollars a week now Guatemalan government legal authorities did not report this nor discover it. Why would they they've been involved in it? It was discovered by an independent committee composed of judges and investigators from various first world countries who've been working independently in the country for nine years now and

[01:39] This time miracle of miracles. They have the proof Recorded phone conversation over 80 of them talking about how they steal the money and how they divvy it up Now the first person in line is the president then it's the vice president second person and a third person in line the guy that Made almost all those phone calls was the personal secretary to the vice president who is also a fugitive from justice right now You might recall from last week's show that I mentioned when the cops went into this guy's house The personal secretary to the vice president they discovered three or maybe it was five million dollars in cash Stuffed in his living room sofa Which because this is Latin America can only mean it was probably five or ten million and the cops only reported half for the take

[02:24] I mean hell they got to eat too, right? Anyway, since my Friday show just two days ago, there has been more breaking news yet The president of Guatemala Otto Perez Molina has resigned his office Which is totally contrary to what he's been saying before he resigned on Wednesday He's been saying in interviews and on the nightly news and naturally on Twitter and Facebook that he will never resign He says quote. I've never taken one single cent from that criminal organization known as La Linea unquote And of course technically he's correct. He never took one cent. He took more like 30 million US dollars That's what investigators are reporting Sounds like he's taking a page right out of Clinton's testimony in the Lewinsky trials, huh?

[03:12] I never had sex with that woman. So what did Otto Perez do? Well Wednesday at 3 in the morning He resigned his presidency Now the question people are asking is this if the guy was so adamant and not resigning I mean, he's been saying that for months. Remember? Why did he do it now? Here's what happened. You see all Latin American politicians are corrupt and at the highest levels President Vice-president cabinet members and senators You can't rise to those levels without being not only corrupt but a psychopath. We knew that already So our first world politicians even so some are vastly more corrupt than others And as long as a politician is not so gluttonous as to wipe out the entire treasury The Latin public will simply go about its business and tolerate it as long as their currency and inflation remain relatively stable

[04:04] Sure The public will complain that their politicians are all thieves but they won't make a big stink hit the streets and riot to them It's just business as usual However, when the thieving becomes excessive and just well simply intolerable and the system starts breaking down When the roads are crap and the water supplies totally polluted the hospitals so underfunded that they have no Medicine and the people are actually dying in the hallways when the straw finally breaks the camel's back Even a thoroughly corrupt Congress can be pressured by internal and external forces to impeach their own even President or vice president so eventually there does come a time even in thoroughly corrupt Latin countries where no Scapegoat will do there'll be no Barabbas

[04:51] For example the last time a Guatemalan president was impeached was back in the 90s His name was Serrano, but surprise surprise before he went to jail He escaped to guess where Panama and is now living the life of a king down there and you might ask well Why would Panama accept such a high profile fugitive fully knowing that if he was ever extradited back to Guatemala? He'd go to prison for life Then you have to ask what kind of diplomatic problems that would cause between these two countries, too Well as it turns out in all Latin American countries including Panama There are laws and there are laws the common and poor people are treated much differently than oligarchs and high-level politicians ring a bell sound a bit like club fed well

[05:38] It's even better than that Serrano never went to jail in Panama instead He made a deal with the government way before his trial in Guatemala Anticipating he would get thrown in the slammer for life. He promised Panama He'd be a good boy and bring in all his millions and create a lot of jobs, which is just what he did So he's been there since the mid-90s living like a sultan Oh, and by the way two of Panama's past presidents are either in jail or under indictment right now, too So Guatemala's impeachment case is not all that unusual. It just happens to be in the news right now So why am I bringing up this fugitive thieving ex-president of Guatemala? Serrano who by the way now owns dozens of businesses and thousands of acres of land in Panama and guess where else go ahead You'll never guess Time's up. He's bought large tracts of land and commercial property in and around my jammy

[06:30] Yes, my jammy. So you got to wonder how'd that happen? And why'd the US let him get away with that? Well again, it's all about the money, right? But still I don't get it if you and I tried to take three grand out of the bank or transfer maybe five or six Thousand of the country the bank gives us the third degree and we get on all the alphabet agency poop lists Yet an impeached presidential thief can steal millions from his country and start buying up chunks of my jammy That's okay, right? But I digress as usual. Anyway, just about three or four days ago This fugitive ex-president Serrano made some statements to the Panama press because obviously he's down there They're gonna try to get his opinion on what's happening in Guatemala, right? Now remember

[07:16] This is still when the Guatemalan president Otto Perez said he would never resign Anyway, a few days ago in a press conference in Panama ex-fugitive president Serrano Told the press that when he was president in the 90s Otto Perez President of Guatemala right now was his minister of defense now You might not recall but the president of Guatemala Otto Perez was a general in the army Who made by the way at his peak earning power 15 grand a year as a general anyway Former president fugitive Serrano said to the Panama press just the other day that Otto Perez when he was his minister of defense was with president Serrano's knowledge running an extortion scheme at the port Just like the very scheme. He's being accused of operating right now

[08:04] So Serrano says he's been collecting on this scheme not for four or five years as president But it goes all the way back to the mid 90s now Of course, everybody knows that ex-president Serrano the fugitive is a crook now He's saying Otto Perez was one of his boys And oddly enough right after that Panamanian press conference just a few hours later. In fact at three in the morning President Otto Perez of Guatemala resigned the presidency So both him and his son just might be sharing the same jail cell His son being the corrupt mayor of the second biggest city in Guatemala You know the ex-lutenant in the military who likes to collect $100,000 Maserati's and hopefully they'll throw away the key now What makes this even more interesting is the fact that the fugitive former president that's living like a king in Panem right now

[08:54] Guess who his niece is None other than Baldetti the woman former vice president of Guatemala who's in jail right now She was the second in charge of that five million dollar a week corruption ring Yep, just like the Clintons and the Bushes and the Kennedys politics is incest It's all in the family and you know by coincidence the presidential elections are coming up in Guatemala just this week They'll be selecting some more corrupt ass-wipe thieves for another four years And if you're inclined to give these new candidates a pass or the benefit of the doubt Let me give you the rundown on the top three presidential contenders The first one is a self-proclaimed Evangelic Christian preacher who's been described by insiders as a sociopathic

[09:41] Megalomaniac in fact a gringo teacher friend of mine told me that this guy's kid goes to a helicopter school Of course and when my friend the gringo teacher tried to fail his kid There was a parent teacher conference the candidate did not scold or discipline his kid instead He demanded they fire the gringo teacher. How dare he try to fail his kid, huh? Then a few months ago on the front page of all the local newspapers It was discovered that this same holy Christian candidate had plagiarized his PhD thesis But never mind. He's still on top of the polls. Okay, that's the front-running candidate number two a long-time Corrupt Congresswoman who's got the nickname the man eater why because she's only about 45 and she's been married for is it five times?

[10:29] Can't remember one marriage believe it or not to a corrupt former US congressman. His name is Jerry Weller Look it up now get this when he was congressman he was labeled by a group called citizens for responsibility and ethics in Washington as one of the 22 most corrupt members of the US Congress, by the way, her father is an ex Guatemalan dictator a former general who's under indictment for Genocide committed during that 35 year war. Oh and get this her brother Enrique former chief of the army general staff in Guatemala Was charged with embezzling millions from the Guatemalan military and he's been a fugitive living on a beach in a four-star hotel somewhere since around 2005 and his sister is presidential hopeful number two and

[11:17] Presidential candidate number three the wife of another Guatemalan ex-president She's the one who not so secretly owns a huge chain of used clothing stores throughout Central America And by strange coincidence the items in those stores Just happen to be the clothing that nice first-world people donate to charities like Salvation Army St. Vincent de Paul Goodwill and others So while clueless Americans think they're donating to a good cause it's lining the pockets of well people like her Oh, and by the way, her sister a high-level government Functionary and her sister's two daughters who also work for the government are facing jail time right now for malfeasance and Misappropriation of government funds big surprise, huh?

[12:02] And again coincidentally Sunday will be the new presidential election So as Pete Townsend put it so concisely meet the new boss same as the old boss So there you have the good the bad and the mostly ugly about what's happening in Guatemala right now And the reason why I bring it in up at all is because I've got a lot of emails lately saying hey explain it to us Why is Guatemala in the news all of a sudden? Why are tens of thousands of people in the street saying kick those maggots out? Well, they kicked out the president and the vice president and guess what it's been 100% peaceful. No violence at all Oh, and by the way when the new group of blood suckers gets in after the next election They will tread very lightly indeed Meaning they'll steal a lot less So there will be social and infrastructure improvements in the country like you've never seen before

[12:52] Why because the new scumbags will stick their snouts in the public trough with great reluctance then four years from now when the next group of scumbags gets in it'll be business as usual as the bard once said a Colostomy bag by any other name would smell as sweet or was it expat Eddie who said that can't remember? Oh, and by the way about a year and a half ago at one of my expat wisdom seminars We were doing a boots on the ground real estate run and people wanted to see the very high end of real estate in Guatemala City and so we drove our two little vans into a very exclusive subdivision in an area called zone 15 There we made a stop in front of the president's personal residence his house I believe at the time the house was worth maybe three to five million US at that time

[13:40] The president had been in office two years bringing down about a hundred fifty grand US a year And before that he was a general in the Guatemalan army bringing down maximum 15 or 16 grand a year Then the question came up How could he afford a house like that to which our seminar coordinator explained that it was only one of three? Multi-million dollar houses that the ex-general now president owned then our seminar coordinator lady said that particular house Happened to be a gift to the president from an international pharmaceutical company Then one of our expat guys said isn't that illegal? Donating stuff like that to a president to which our seminar lawyer in the group said no There's no law against that down here in Latin America In fact you can donate as much as you want and spend as much as you want on any campaign for any office and people

[14:32] And companies can donate cars boats property helicopters anything they want to anyone unlike in the states There's no law against it So it's no wonder down here the guy with the most money almost always wins In fact the candidates with the really big money down here actually hire first world advertising and marketing agencies out of Hollywood and Washington DC in fact last election some of Clinton's top campaign organizers were seen making the rounds That's why just a few days before the elections the guys with the big money Spent literally millions to buy votes They rent buses and trucks and drive around the countryside handing out Domino's pizza Happy meals sacks of rice and beans and flour and trinkets to all the indigenous folks coming in from the fields to vote

[15:24] Now don't get me wrong there are really no strong armed tactics at the voting booths at the polls themselves Not like in Chicago instead They just give out food and sacks of freebies to that voting segment of the population That's so poor that for them a trip to a junk food restaurant is a rare treat in fact I know one case in a mayoral election the guy's been in office for something like 23 years And he keeps getting voted in because about a week before elections He has people drive around and hand every voter out in the boonies about 25 bucks now of course That's the last favor they ever get out of this guy for the next four years But they do get their 25 bucks, and they remember that because it's a week before elections So generally in the big elections like for senators and presidents stuff like that

[16:10] They'll be a handful of contenders with big corrupt money behind him though That's not to say a little guy someone with almost no money at all can't get on the ballot Like in the US it's all about the number of signatures you can get beforehand So a person might go to a voting booth in Panama or Honduras or Guatemala and see maybe six or seven guys Running for president, but get this in the districts and cities way out in the boonies Some of the races can be absolute free-for-alls for example I'm looking at an article talking about the race for mayor in a town called who diapa way in the boonies If you're a resident, and you go into the ballot box there You're gonna be astounded because this year get this there are a hundred and four people

[16:56] running for mayor yep a hundred and four and they're all on the ballot and that's a municipality of about a hundred fifty thousand people So even though the little guy doesn't have a chance he could still get on the ballot You know get that 15 minutes of fame now Let's change gears a bit and talk about some of the major Frustrations gringos have when they first get down here I don't care how bad or how good your Spanish is you're gonna have a very tough time Dealing with pure Spanish speakers on the telephone. I guarantee you now I admit I'm a dunce what languages and it took me about five years before I was actually able to understand certain Conversations people who are having in elevators and escalators even people walking down the street Just having a little talk and for me anyway. They really did come that day when I said to myself hey

[17:45] I'm understanding these people wow then you'll have some bad days to where you think you've got brain damage or something because you don't understand Anyone and worse every latin country has its own accents and some of the bigger latin countries have Variable accents you know just like the u.s. Canada or the UK not to mention every country has their own slang terms, too With some bleed over of course which means for example if you're in Honduras And you're starting to pick up on what everybody's saying and you move to Bolivia You just might not understand a damn thing when you're talking to people on the street though after a couple of months You'll get back into the group so anyway like I said when you first get down here to Latin America You're gonna have one hell of a time learning to communicate with Spanish speakers on the phone of course if you're stuck on the gringo

[18:36] Tourist trail Panama Costa Rica parts of Mexico and now even parts of Ecuador the big cities in Colombia Most of Uruguay, too You'll soon realize that about every third or fourth person speaks a bit of English anyway and 98% of the rest of Latin America when you're Well off the gringo tourist trail you're gonna need to phone people for basic services And they're not gonna speak English your bank will call or your cleaning lady will call You'll want to phone up your cell phone company or your internet provider or your bank For whatever reason to question your statement, or maybe it didn't come through on the internet And for sure like people all over the world you'll be questioning your credit card statements They'll be in Spanish you know and if you're like most gringos You'll get a delivery of propane gas every once in a while

[19:24] So you'll have to call up the delivery service and order a refill on the phone They'll ask you things like do you have the valve on the top of your tank, or is it on the side? What size tank do you want is it cash your credit card? How are you gonna answer that if your Spanish sucks at first you're not gonna know what they're talking about Then what the first thing a green gringo or a language dense person like me will do is look around for someone who can translate? For you hopefully they're in the room or nearby or in the apartment next door you grab Anyone that speaks better Spanish than you and put them on the phone. That's the fallback position for most green gringos I know and here's a common situation when a first-world gringle couple be it husband or wife or significant others first come down

[20:09] It's always the case that one of the persons in that pair No Spanish better than the other then as time goes by the one with the weakest Spanish will lean More heavily on the other to do that kind of stuff. You know get on the phone go pay bills Communicate with people knocking at the door do the banking talk to the mechanic meanwhile that other person having a crutch like that Often never really learns enough Spanish to do things completely on his own. Why well, he doesn't have to yes I said he not the universal he either men They almost always lean on their better half the woman because she as a rule seems to be more diligent about learning Spanish Or is more excited about learning it than her slightly resistant other in fact

[20:54] I can't tell you how many times I've been at an expat gringos house apartment or hotel room They'll be on the phone and suddenly they'll give me a helpless look and pass the phone over to me and say Johnny Please can you handle this for me? Seems like all new fresh gringo expats soon develop a kind of a stranded helpless gringo look That's what happens after a few tries with someone who speaks only Spanish on the other end of the phone believe me I know that look I had it for about five years myself now some gringos cleverly compensate for this I know one gringo lady who simply records all of her conversations like that and when she's had enough frustration and hangs up She listens to the same conversation over and over again till she basically gets it other gringos for example

[21:39] Call a bank or a cell phone company catch about 50 or 60 percent of what the other person said hang up Sit down for a while think about it Then maybe have a shot at tequila call back and go through the same thing again Hoping to piece together the rest of the conversation and sometimes there'll be three even four callbacks in a row Trying to talk to the same person so definitely when you're gonna call anyone that you know is gonna speak in Spanish to you or Someone calls you from the doctor's office or the car repair shop Whatever always always make it a point to get that person's name exactly before you even get on with the meat of the conversation Now it's not enough to get her first name Maria because you know There'll be 200 Maria's working at the electric company get the full name because if you have to call back

[22:27] You want to speak to that same person believe me? You don't want to start from scratch with somebody else Bottom line when you're on the phone off the gringo tourist trail there will not be an operator that'll say press one for English Though if you're really stuck you can say to the person on the other line Hi, una persona habla singles, which means is there someone there who speaks English por favor, please? Okay changing gears again. Let's talk about banks here in Latin America because well Y'all have to use them once you get down here So we have an email and it starts like this hi Johnny Just thought your listeners might like to know a little about the crap you're running to and doing business with banks here in Latin America, I'd like to say there are some very good banks here I recall one particular time I needed to cash a thousand dollars check at a bank called Banco industrial and note

[23:16] I'm way off the gringo tourist trail anyway I walked into the bank up to the window and the nice young lady said in perfect English Hello, Captain mango. How can I be of assistance to you today? And you know funny how she recognized me? I wasn't wearing my cape anyway for your information Banco industrial cannot open an account for me in American gringo as I am NOT a resident or citizen of this country yet However, the tellers at this bank treat me as well or better than tellers do in the States so then she said captain would you like that in US dollars or in the local funny money and Might there be anything else I could do for the captain now I do business in dollars and the local funny money and the only bank down here that can open an account for me a

[24:03] Non-resident in my name is Banco agro mercantile known by the letters BAM BAM Coincidentally the same three big letters BAM BAM you see when Captain mango Pulverizes a villain in the comic books easy enough to remember even after one too many mango cocktails So as far as the bank BAM, I believe they're now the only bank nuts enough to file all that necessary paperwork To satisfy fat ass uncle Sam I mean fat girl and uncle Sam and the effin irs Anyhow, I've been to more than a dozen different branches of the BAM Bank and literally done business more than 100 times with them And guess what not once did I ever meet an English-speaking teller?

[24:52] Man, am I off the gringo tourist trail? I know I know what you're thinking. I gotta learn my Spanish, right? Well, I'm working at it Actually, I'm working on a plan to ask one of these young beautiful tellers to teach me Spanish and of course I'll teach her English. It should work. I mean what woman doesn't want to go out with a superhero? Okay, so I've opened two checking accounts at this wonderful BAM Bank. One is a dollar account in the other a funny money account Unfortunately having had a temporary cash flow problem. My balance dropped below the free checking account amount Do you think they would convert dollars to the funny money to deposit into my account to bring my balance up to the necessary level? No way Jose. Nope. Those morons couldn't be bothered to help me

[25:37] However, I went to a different branch and played this stupid gringo act and got the desired results immediately Yes, yet another clever superhero trick on another occasion I was unable to convert $70 into the local funny money because of a low balance No, and 10 days spaniel was my reply to the fast-paced Spanish that was spewed at me after the teller counted my money five times Who then went away and returned with a supervisor? I finally said Mas Saldo meaning do I need a higher balance and was given a resounding? See Capitana meaning I had to have a higher balance So I thought I'll fix these jerks and that very same day I returned to the same branch and deposited a check for twenty four thousand US dollars. That's a lot of mangoes

[26:29] BAM take that you jerks I thought to myself then I proceeded to whip out my $70 US cash and asked it to be converted to the local funny money The teller once again counted the cash five times and came to the same conclusion He needed to speak to the manager once again I was informed I needed a larger balance to be able to think about having them handle this kind of major transaction So as of now, I'm looking for ways So I don't have to bank at this house of half wits hair lips and jackasses However, I should have known as I walked in the door that my superpowers were being drained that happens every time I'm near a place that has any kind of ties to the USA In fact every time I see a picture of Uncle Sam with his crooked bony pointed finger. It's like crap tonight

[27:15] Yes, I can feel the very mango juice being sapped from my veins Anyway, Johnny stay tuned for part two. Yes, as always Fighting a never-ending battle with deadly coconuts and now the occasional third world institutional moron yours truly captain mango You've been listening to the expat files living in Latin America coming to you twice awake from somewhere south of the border Email me the expat files at gmail.com And don't forget to check out expat wisdom.com to sign up for your free reports on latin america See you next time nos vemos