#484 – The Expat Files: Traveling Central America with Tikka Bus and Cultural Insights

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came up to play and now I wonder Hello there all you expat wannabes. I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started Now here's an email for you there Johnny. I took your advice I think it was in a show of about maybe a year and a half ago where you said a good way to see Central America is to take a private bus called the tikka bus now

[00:46] I found out by going on the internet that the tikka bus is a line of So-called upscale buses that goes from Panama City Panama all the way through Central America winding through practically all the countries until it gets to Mexico and on till Mexico City what they call their the federal district or district of federal anyway looking online at the tikka bus route I found they are quite like greyhound buses and they have movies and parties and all that of course always slightly Latin style meaning They're short on the details, but it's better much better a thousand percent better than riding a chicken bus I know I've tried both and the cost well It's probably a quarter of the cost of a greyhound bus if there were such things down here And by the way, I did see a greyhound bus while on the road in a tikka bus going through Nicaragua

[01:32] In fact, it really was a greyhound bus Obviously a beat-up broken-down old one tilt it actually like it had been hit broadside and never repaired and believe it or not You know in the back where they've got two sets of giant tandem wheels the outside wheel on the last tandem was actually missing I mean no wheel at all. So the inside wheel was taking the full load and yes as usual It was full up with people But it was just too dirty and dented to actually be a real greyhound line Plus when I was checking out the tikka bus lines and others by the way There's another called Pullman line, which is similar to the tikka bus line only a little more expensive Anyway, there is no greyhound line in Latin America, but as mentioned I saw one should have got a picture, huh? I guess I'd further thought Latin America is where old greyhound buses go to die or perhaps get painted and converted into chicken buses

[02:24] Who knows but I digress like you do Johnny Anyway, I booked tickets on that tikka bus and I decided to start at the bottom end That would be Panama City actually clone Panama, which is about 45 minute ride from Panama City And I decided to start from the bottom up, you know Panama north on through to Mexico, which I know seems ass backwards, especially since I live in Houston So why did I do things in reverse because I noticed on the internet when they have those tremendous last-minute deals There was a quick flight down to Panama City from Houston for get this around 360 bucks what a deal, huh? Of course, I only had about a day's notice so I had to scramble Anyway, I really have to admit if you really want to see both on and off the gringo tourist trail

[03:12] Just take one of those tikka bus rides all the way up through Central America. By the way I'm one of those persons who's never been south of Mexico I do things backpacker style at least I have done as a lot of college kids do I went through Europe on a backpackers trip Some years ago, but that was then I'm older now in my mid 30s and don't feel like roughing it that much I'm always looking for a little bit better Accommodations than sharing a bathroom which I know you say Johnny is your own personal minimum standard Having your own bathroom. I totally concur with that No matter how much dough you think you're gonna save by sharing a bathroom Just one bout of Montezuma's revenge and you'll change your mind whether it's you or your roommates who are the victims It doesn't matter everyone suffers But as for this tikka bus trip, they have their own affiliated hotels very nearby

[04:02] For example when we pulled into Managua Nicaragua at 5 30 close to dark right across the street In fact somewhat in the parking lot itself of the tikka bus terminal They had their own designated hotel backpacker style to be sure sharing bathrooms and stuff But totally guarded and gated and you know, they're gonna wake you up in the morning for that next run on through to El Salvador However, if you don't want to stay at one of their so-called designated hotels, you can book a better one They've got some selections But I'll tell you in most of the neighborhoods where they have their terminals places where you stop for the night They can be quite middle-class even sort of run down kind of ratty looking In other words, you don't want to walk around at night Not more than a couple blocks from the terminal But like I said, the tikka bus is way above a chicken bus and pretty cheap

[04:50] For example, you could go from El Salvador, for example to Guatemala City I think for around 30 bucks In fact, you probably could make the entire trip from Panama all the way up to Mexico for around 140 or 50 bucks But note it takes three or four stops for the night and you could stay at their cheap hotel and share a bath or you can Get a more upscale one also very close by where you have your own bathroom Which by the way almost no one on my tikka bus opted for except yours truly the gringo as for the other passengers Everyone except the few gringos that are on the bus speak nothing but Spanish. They're locals meaning chances Is our unless you hook up with another backpack and gringo you won't be speaking any English to anyone So anyway, you can make it from Panama City all the way to Mexico with three night stops

[05:38] Or you can do what I did and I think a lot of gringos would just love to do is you stop off in each big City to hang a while and explore that means you can't get off in Cologne Panama City Managua San Salvador Guatemala City along with a few more stops along the way So for example, what you can do as in my case when the bus landed in San Jose, Costa Rica from Panama That was the first stop where tikka bus had their own terminal So I got off there and ended up exploring Costa Rica for a couple weeks I did the Costa Rica beach thing and like you said Johnny hanging with partying gringos gets old pretty fast So anyway on the next stop from San Jose Costa Rica to Managua Nicaragua I pulled a self-imposed layover there too and stayed about three weeks

[06:27] Hitting a desolate spot called Corn Island then the rather touristy town of Granada Which as you know is a beautiful colonial town with an old Spanish section Then of course to the Pacific Beach town of San Juan del Sur which is now popular with low-budget gringo tourists, too Those little excursions I took on believe it or not the local chicken buses Which I know you don't recommend but knowing the risks and being a backpacker at heart I can never resist a ride that's under a buck So anyway after a couple weeks in Nicaragua I was back on the tikka bus taking it Managua to El Salvador Landing in the capital San Salvador and since the country of El Salvador is so small I just ended up staying there about a week and a half Hitting the Pacific Beach town of La Libertad and up and down the coast then

[07:13] Taking as you recommended in one of your shows the Ruta del Flores the flower route in the mountains That was spectacularly beautiful a lot of cool off the tourist trail places to stay like for example coffee plantations with their own cheap bed And breakfasts and such yep with flowers practically everywhere. That's why they call it the flower route I even booked two nights in the famous Latin all-inclusive Decameron caught a deal there too in the local papers. It was 59 bucks a night They call it the Decameron Saltonitas or something like that had a really great time there stuffed myself because you know It's all inclusive and when I left I did the typical backpacker thing and stuff my backpack with free food, too Which lasted a good two days on the road can't shake those old cheap ass habits

[08:00] I guess so back to San Salvador to catch the tikka bus again from there it landed in Guatemala City The point being I have to recommend seeing Central America that way taking something like the Pullman or the tikka bus Spreading the trip out stopping at the big cities along the way and then taking a week or two or three off at each country To see the sights explore on your own you know boots on the ground and all that So you can't turn a three or four day trip from Panama to Mexico or reverse Mexico to Panama Into a two or three month long trip and get a really great and extensive view of Central America both on and off the gringo tourist trail and you're right Johnny I vastly prefer off the gringo tourist trail now that I've seen both with Panama and Costa Rica

[08:46] I was definitely in the center of all gringo dumb no pun intended, but a lot of gringos are really dumb Whereas once I hit Managua San Salvador and Guatemala City well Then I got to experience things way off the gringo tourist trail so if you take your time like that you get to experience the beach towns the lower elevation farm areas and That beautiful Alti Plano you're always talking about now That's the place to live everything you said is spot-on you can't believe it It's eternal spring weather when by all rights it should be a hundred or a hundred ten degrees It's sitting smack dab at 78 with no humidity either except of course if it's raining Yeah, I know It's one of those things you have to see to believe but doing it my way with that tikka bus

[09:31] You get a good taste of everything and there's another advantage to taking the Pullman or the tikka bus you get Practice a lot of your bad Spanish because unless there's a gringo or two on the bus You'll have to make do of course everyone will try to speak English to you You know they'll give you their best 10 or 20 words. Oh and speaking of English. You're right again, Johnny I'd say about 90% of the Latins on that bus had t-shirts and sweatshirts and sweaters with English sayings and logos on them. It's all the fad down here. It's even more than a fad It's an obsession even though most of these people like you said don't know what the English letters on their t-shirts mean Even if to us the saying is dirty or embarrassing They're pleased as punch to be wearing something with some kind of English lettering on it

[10:17] Oh, and I forgot to mention about every two to three hours on the road the bus will stop for a tea and refreshment break I mean pee and refreshment break and you know it looks to me that it's kind of rigged We suddenly stop at a typical truck stop Latin style restaurant somewhat out in the boonies. There's nothing wrong with it It's very very cheap and basic But it seems like the driver's getting a kickback because everyone's got a pee and everyone's got to eat So we stop at a totally empty restaurant and suddenly it's filled with the tikka bus people an instant cha-ching for the owner, huh? You soon get the feeling it's the driver's brother-in-law that owns the restaurant. I do it, too I mean look you got 40 or 50 hungry people with near exploding bladders Why not let your brother-in-law cash in when by the way about every hour to an hour and a half the bus will stop for

[11:05] Maybe five minutes and a couple of ladies and kids will get on to try to sell you nuts and cakes and pastries and stuff And I guess that must be an inside deal, too Because normally they'll be about 10 or 15 people mulling around outside the bus to try to sell your stuff, too But only a select few are allowed to get in and walk the aisles So why when the bus stops are only a select few allowed in? Obviously there must be a payoff for the driver or maybe it's friends and family probably oh and once in a while Just as a driver's pulling out of a larger city and almost into the boonies Oddly enough he'll stop right out in the middle of nowhere to pick up a person that's standing on side of the road Could be a single lady or a lady with a kid Maybe a guy carrying a box or a sack or two and you know these guys are not selling anything nor are they paying customers because

[11:54] Sooner or later the bus stops and the person or persons get off again surely another kind of special arrangement The bus driver has with these people Anyway, Johnny. I just thought I'd add my two cents there and thanks for putting up with such a long letter though I have one last comment on my 10-week excursion through Central America Stopped at a lot of out-of-the-way places where you wouldn't expect to find a lot of gringos at all Gringos were scarce, but once in a while I'd run into a gringo What you might call a gringo gone native like you mentioned in a previous show almost always it's a guy very often with long gray hair and a ponytail scruffy and definitely in need of a bath sometimes with a faded zigzag man tattoo or even a military tattoo the clothes always rumpled sometimes with an

[12:41] Indigenous pair of pants or shirt, you know that multi-colored stuff local indigenous people wear Then there's a cheap local necklaces and bracelets right out of the 60s hippie posters Anyway, what I've learned about these guys is you don't want to ask them too many questions You have to wonder who are these guys? Where'd they come from and why they still look like that? I have to think they left the states a long long time ago perhaps as draft Dodgers not from the Gulf War but from Vietnam And you know, one thing I've learned is you don't want to ask them too many questions I probably met a half a dozen of these guys along the way and they're not like your typical touring gringo Even backpacking gringos who are always rather friendly and when they meet another gringo, they've got a million stories to tell You know, where'd you come from? What are you doing here? Were you staying who sells the cheapest beer now?

[13:31] That's a big topic amongst backpackers. Anyway, whereas these gray haired scruffy hippie types They don't seem to take kindly to too many questions Which reminds me of a show or two you did quite a long time ago Talking about a certain percentage of gringos that are totally off the radar They're escaping something up in the states and these guys that seem escaped Woodstock or perhaps their draft Dodgers from a long ago war But you don't want to ask them questions like that. That's when they turn into grumpy old men But here's the thing Johnny I've got an uncle who was a draft Dodger and he went to Canada a Vietnam thing And he stayed up in Canada for I think was 10 or so years and then later either Reagan or Jimmy Carter gave him amnesty After that draft Dodgers could come home with their records wiped clean. Remember that? Well, maybe don't but that's what happened to my uncle

[14:22] So I wonder if these gone native types I've met on occasion, especially in places like Granada, Nicaragua Antigua Guatemala, Panachella, Tegucigalpa, Copán, and La Saba Honduras Are these guys so off the radar so out of touch that they haven't heard that there's been amnesty for Vietnam draft Dodgers? Anyway, Johnny, I just wanted to give you a report on what I think is a very good way to see Central America at least by taking a Pullman or a Tica bus and doing it town by town Now knowing that I'm kind of a reformed backpacker type I've estimated my daily cost on that 10-week trip including the Tica bus and my most expensive three days at the Decameron I estimate I was doing Central America for around thirty five dollars a day including hotels

[15:13] Food everything and nearly all the time. I had a hotel with my own private bath Oh and note unlike up in the first world most hotels down here in Latin America Give you a free breakfast and of course being a somewhat reformed backpacker I can't resist when no one's looking of course stuffing a sandwich or some baked goods in my backpack as snacks for the rest of the Day, come on. We've all done that right? Oh and one last thing Johnny on your advice I bought one of those Adaloc security devices to use in hotel rooms when you're traveling the one that hooks into your inside door latch and knob Assuring that no one even with a passkey can enter at any time. Let me tell you Johnny That was the best 15 bucks I ever spent because you know since I was paying maybe 15 to 20 bucks a night for a hotel room

[16:02] I wasn't staying at the Ritz and in those 10 weeks on the road in Central America I remember two distinct times late at night in my hotel room where I heard someone Tested my door and without that little Adaloc device. I probably would have gotten robbed who knows Anyway, Johnny, like I said, I traveled alone, but I did have a secret companion I had your last 300 expat files shows loaded into my iPod. Thanks a million for what you do Johnny signed Alan S Well Alan thanks for that and I have to say that was the longest email I ever read But I guess it was worth it because you mentioned the Chica bus I've actually done that same full trip about four different times That's Panama to Mexico and Mexico down to Panama again and over the years. I've done a couple of short stops in between

[16:52] You're so right There's no better way to see Central America on the cheap than to jump on one of those so-called Latin style greyhound buses That would be Pullman tour tick a bus and there's one called King travel King and there's a few more just picture US Greyhound bus travel in the States only a Slightly bit dingier at about a third of the price and like Ellen says it's light years away from taking a chicken bus and a hundred Percent secure in fact in all the years I've been down here I've never read in the paper or seen on the internet where one of those private bus lines got pulled over robbed or hijacked Oh and another thing I like about taking those bus lines that go from country to country when they pull over in a land border Let's say from Costa Rica to Nicaragua

[17:37] Sure, you can get out stretch your legs change money Maybe go to a cafeteria or take a pee break, but remember land borders in Latin America are dirty scruffy hot Not necessarily dangerous, but not very pleasant either a lot of dirtball scumbag characters hanging around They're not gonna rob you but they're gonna try to at least rip you off on the money exchange bit So don't get stung there But if you take one of those private bus lines when you hit a land border between two countries often the driver will stand up and say who doesn't want to go in give me your passport and you'll give it to the driver and You'll take that stack to the immigration counter and get them all stamped without you ever having to get off the bus Believe me that saves a lot of time in BS. Now, of course that won't happen at every border I believe last time I went through the Mexican Guatemala border

[18:24] Everybody had to get out and the other borders of the smaller countries. It's a breeze when you go on one of those buses Okay, so what about that other thing? Ellen was talking about meeting those so-called gringos occasionally who have gone native Well, as you might imagine in my 25 plus years down here have run into quite a few of these guys dozens Maybe hundreds and Ellen's right. You don't want to ask these guys too many questions Guys like that who've been down here so many years way off the radar keeping a very low profile They learned a long time ago not to open up to strangers Most of them in fact seem a bit paranoid The only way you're ever gonna get into an honest conversation with one of these guys is if one you're in a very laid-back bar Or a restaurant and you're buying the drinks or two

[19:10] Your good Spanish means you've been down a long time and just might be a kindred spirit That is you're trying to get away from Big Brother stay off the radar and sort of fade away That said just a couple weeks ago. I was in Antigua, Guatemala with my expat wisdom seminar people And it was about seven o'clock at night The sun was down. I was sitting in a tiny little cafe outside the central park The guy on the stool across from me had long gray hair a couple of faded tattoos jesus sandals Thick yellow beat-up toenails and his fingernails just as ragged and crude and about an inch long Yep, you gotta know chicks dig that Diagnosis typical hippie era long-term expat gone native So i'm sitting nearby with a couple of local latins and we're speaking very good spanish

[19:58] The gringo with the fingernail obsession is about four feet away and we're both looking straight out to the central park Meanwhile directly in our view towards the central park is a table full of upscale gringos wearing fashionable expensive L-L bean safari clothes one guy I could see had 150 leather indiana jones hat Yep, when you're off the gringo tourist trail, especially where there are archaeological ruins You'll see the occasional gringo echo tourists inexpensive brand name outback clothing Anyway as usual in any place where there are gringos There'll be local natives kids and mothers trying to sell indigenous stuff table to table And that long-eared gringo and I noticed something going on at that table where indiana jones was holding court

[20:44] There were three little indigenous kids two boys and a girl seven to maybe 10 years old trying to sell some trinkets Now when the kids tried to sell them something they didn't buy anything instead They just gave each one of them a couple of low denomination funny money notes. They're called quetzales in guatemala They didn't want the trinkets. They just gave them the money for nothing Now at that point the scruffy gringo was sitting on his stool about four feet away from me He looked at me and squinted and said in perfect spanish You see that then he shook his head in disapproval That's how a perfectly good paradise gets f***ed up by gringos And you know what? He didn't have to say another thing. I know exactly what he meant

[21:29] You get it, right? He's saying you never give the locals free money like that always take their wares If you want to support them buy what they have to sell but never ever give them free money Because after a while it taints them makes them jaded then they start expecting free things from other gringos They run into why should they make and sell anything when stupid gringos will give them free money for just standing around looking cute In fact, I can't tell you how many times I heard an american lady tourists say oh harvey, isn't he cute? Give him a buck. Let's take a picture and put it on facebook Yep, that's how it starts And why in a lot of small towns where there were no beggars before suddenly when gringo start arriving little by little

[22:14] The something-for-nothing crowd multiplies too. Who do they hit on? Not locals. They won't fall for it Why stupid gringos, of course, especially new arrivals with rose-colored glasses They see the barefoot runny nose kids and they want to help them now I know what you're thinking gringos come down on vacation with a lot of dough a lot more than the locals will ever make That's for sure Their hearts go out to the kids especially so you're thinking these kids got to eat and you'll give them some free dough, right? Not realizing the kids will just run out and buy some junk food and a coke but beyond that Did you ever think where are the parents? These kids are seven eight nine ten and twelve years old and there are no parents around but believe me They're around all right And they're splitting or even taking all the dough those little kids are making off of gringos

[23:04] Unless the kids are actually selling a souvenir or a knick-knack. It's a racket And if you don't believe that how come it doesn't exist way off the gringo tourist trail Why does it always seem to sprout up as soon as the gringos arrive? Like that aging hippie jerry garcia clone said Newly arrived gringos are soft in the heart and soft in the head. Okay, let's move on I got a question the other day from a brand new expat gringo lady who came to one of my expat wisdom seminars And now she's just about to take the plunge and live permanently down here in latin america She said johnny i'm really looking forward to shopping at one of those big central markets I remember you took us to one at the seminar And I just couldn't believe the amounts the variety the size and how unprocessed natural and unbelievably inexpensive

[23:50] All that produce was she said johnny what I really needed some tips on how to shop there You showed me it's nothing to be afraid of but I have to start somewhere Okay for starters Here's what I suggest if you're gonna take a vehicle don you have to find a nice safe parking place And there's always a few around the periphery the cost about a buck an hour They're guarded and gated and all that and they're perfectly secure Don't park on the street. Not that your car is going to get stolen or broken into it It surely won't but there are so many people and vendors passing by with their wheelbarrows and metal hand trucks that you're bound To get a couple of dings and scratches if you leave it on the street So don't do it Now note you'll generally be doing a lot of walking and you'll be carrying a lot of big whole food items So have an umbrella and wear beat-up shoes. You might have to step in some pretty disgusting puddles

[24:40] Now what you buy and carry is going to get pretty heavy and luckily a little side business has grown up in all these big markets You'll find there are guys standing around whose only job is to carry things for you So by all means hire one I do these guys are cargadores Carriers in fact when they spot a gringo, they'll come right up to you and say Carga señor and from that moment on you won't have to carry anything You can walk through that market for an hour or two or 10 minutes You can trek high and low go to the meat area the fish area the citrus area the herbal area the hardware area And this guy will follow you carry your bags And in fact when they get really heavy he'll wrap a strap around his forehead Carry one heavy bag on his back with the strap on his head and up to two bags on each arm

[25:30] Now sure the guy is straining. He might be carrying 50 even a hundred pounds But he'll show no sign of weakness and stay the course Even if to keep up with you He has to weave through the crowd like groucho marks with a double hernia And of course, he'll walk right back to your car with you. And what do you pay him? Well, he'll always say pay me what you think's fair And from what i've noticed when you're off the gringo tourist trail Anyway, a very fair price is about 50 us cents Which they'll be quite happy with oh and by the way, here's another sneaky trick i've noticed When one of those guys hooks up with a gringo like you or me Believe it or not the gringo advantage kicks in and it's kind of a status symbol for him to be carrying for a gringo And that gives him some liberties For example when you and he are passing by fruit stands checking out the strawberries pears apples or tangerines

[26:20] All the while your carrier guy will be munching away right off the carts of the vendors Surprisingly, they won't get pissed off or shoo the guy away either the guy's with a gringo Now a carrier won't pull that trick if he's hauling for a latin person So just being with a gringo has its privileges now This is the kind of stuff you have to see to believe in fact the first time I noticed my carrier had snuck a mango From a guy's wheelbarrow I had a sudden flash that the seller was gonna ream him out But he didn't he just looked at me looked back at my carrier who was munching away and let it slide Not a problem. By the way when I said 50 cents and their funny money, of course is good pay I've seen fresh gringos who don't know the ropes go to the market and tip these guys five bucks

[27:06] Which is more or less a half a day's work for the average person down here So word gets around fast and it's no wonder that the next time a gringo shows up in the market and believe me They don't show up often It's like bees to honey for every bag carrier in the area Which I guess brings us back full circle To that long-haired hippie gringo gone native when he made that soft heart soft head comment about newly arrived gringos You've been listening to the expat files living in latin america coming to you twice a week from somewhere south of the border Email me the expat files at gmail.com And don't forget to check out expat wisdom.com to sign up for your free reports on latin america

[27:52] See you next time. Nos vemos Ah