#461 – The Expat Files: Spain, Immigration, and Cultural Insights

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border, down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came out to play And now that I wonder Hello there all you expat wannabes I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to The Expat Files, living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live, work, play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good, the bad, the ugly and the great And it's all right here so let's get started Okay you probably didn't know this but I just got back from an extended couple of weeks tour of the mother country Now not England, that's your mother country, I'm talking about Spain It is you know to all Latin Americans in Central and South America

[00:45] The mother country And let me tell you when you go to Spain you realize that the Spanish people Being that they're somewhat first world, at least they say or think they are They really really do have a condescending and stuck up attitude towards the former colonies they raped and pillaged in Latin America You'd think they'd be a bit introspective or even humble about it but they tell you they're not, just the opposite They've got a superior attitude through and through but you only really see it first hand if you speak or understand Spanish Now you might remember on an old show a long time ago I mentioned that if you're a passport holder or therefore citizen of any South or Central American country You can fly to Spain visa free Meaning unlike the rest of the first world

[01:31] People with Latin American passports don't have to stand in line and fill out a zillion forms And go for interviews just to get a 90 day tourist visa They just buy an airline ticket to Spain and they're in So to get a tourist visa in any other first world country For Latins it's a huge pain in the ass Which is why so many millions resort to sneaking into the US illegally So then you might ask why would Spain do that? Why would they go counter to all other first world country regulations And let just anyone with a Latin country passport enter without a visa Well that was because when the deals were all struck for independence in these Latin American countries In some cases a hundred or so years ago way before the advent of air travel The mother country that is Spain promised that there would always be free reciprocal travel

[02:20] Between those Latin American colonies that is Portuguese or Spanish speaking countries So anyway I was in the mother country Spain just a few days ago as a matter of fact So the question then might be How many Latin Americans did I run into? You know people from Salvador, Guatemala, Bolivia, Peru, Argentina I mean come on if they've been given the right of visa free travel to the mother country Spain Then there should be millions of Latin Americans hanging around, right? Well here's the facts you know I'm the kind of guy who asks a lot of questions and butts in a lot I mean that really is the only way to get boots on the ground information I mean come on how many times have you been touring somewhere And you have a pressing question on your mind and you never open up your mouth Because you feel well it might be a bit too forward or impertinent to throw out a question to someone you don't even know

[03:09] Well let me tell you I'm one guy who's never had that problem To which some people might say then I probably got my ass kicked a lot as a young man And you'd be wrong about that because although a lot of people did want to lay me out Early on I realized it was a very good idea to make friends with the tough guys wherever you were So yes many a young bully really did want to wipe the floor with me But somehow I always arranged it to let my tougher buddies fight my battles for me I mean it worked really I only got my ass kicked once By a guy who I later found out was a sociopathic nutcase who ended up in prison on a murder rap Hey come on south side of Chicago Obama's and Jesse Jackson's old stomping grounds To nuke the place would be an improvement you know But where was I oh yeah

[03:55] The question is how many Latin American tourists or Latin American residents did I meet while hanging around in Spain Well I can tell you this I met dozens of people Spoke with the locals and asked questions all over the place And I never met a single Latin American tourist I met a lot of Latin American workers and guess where they were working Those lowly jobs as dishwashers and gardeners and laborers at restaurants And nope there weren't a huge majority of Latin workers in those professions either Nothing like the big cities up in the states I can tell you that The majority of cooks waitresses and dishwashers in Spain Italy and France etc Seem to be of the Indian that is India or Muslim persuasion Surprise surprise

[04:41] And let me tell you right now if you think the US has an immigration problem You ought to check out Southern Europe Seems like there really is a direct pipeline to the Middle East And once again surprise surprise About 98% of them are undocumented illegal aliens too Sound familiar? And when you ask any average Spanish person what he or she thinks about that That is born and raised Spanish blooded residents You get pretty much the very same exasperated answer you get from middle Americans When you ask them about their illegal alien problem coming up from south of the border And I'll tell you this if you read the paper or turn on the TV in Spain Italy France for example That's all they seem to show Boatloads of illegal aliens coming up from Africa

[05:26] Middle Eastern communities that the cops don't want to go into And hordes of legal and illegal Slavic immigrants From former Soviet satellite countries like Albania and Romania etc And you see every day in the news Shots of massive makeshift tent villages Located under bridges adjacent to railway stations And circling abandoned parks and dumps Now I was in the more touristy areas so I didn't see any of that But it was in the news every night Especially Africans coming over illegally by the thousands In massively overloaded decrepit boats In fact last week one of the news headlines was that 114 Africans died as they fell off just one of those boats and drowned

[06:12] So then what does this have to do with living in Latin America? Well stick around and you'll get the connection Let me tell you something else I'm sure you never knew Now not only was I in Spain for a while I also took a Mediterranean cruise Again on an all Spanish speaking cruise line Nope I didn't select a Carnival or Norwegian cruise line Mostly because they won't let you pay for the cruise in cash But the Spanish lines will Isn't that something? Seems like there's a big lag time in the Big Brother thing with the Spanish cruise lines So you gotta love it right? Anyway on that cruise ship they spoke nothing but Spanish Though all their printed literature was in both English and Spanish Any time they made an announcement over the PA They sometimes did try an English translation Where it always was pretty laughable

[06:59] And in the big theater where they always have those shows Many times in the musical portions they'd sing an English song And even though the musicians were very good to excellent You just don't want to hear we are the champions Or knocking on heaven's door Or worse yet, highway to hell with a bad Spanish accent So in effect at that show there were 2,488 Very very happy Spanish cruise passengers And 11 very irritated gringos With no one but themselves to bitch at Anyway that aside My recommendation is don't go on a Spanish cruise line Unless you know at least a little Spanish Or you just might get screwed up On some of the more basic things you really have to know about

[07:46] Like the shore excursion times Now this ship held about 2,500 passengers And as with most cruise lines For every two passengers they have one worker You know, waiters, cooks, maids, maintenance men, etc So this ship had nearly a thousand people doing those grunt jobs Now get this About 90 to 95% of those workers You know, below minimum wage grunt workers They are not native Spaniards or even native Europeans And they can get away with the fact that they don't pay minimum wage Because when you're out at sea You're in international waters Therefore under the jurisdiction of no particular country The fact is there were only really two kinds of worker bees on that ship About half of them being from Central or South America

[08:35] Surprise surprise And the other half? Well you'll never guess this They were from India So naturally I'm thinking, what's up with that? People from India on a Spanish speaking ship Well sure they speak various Hindu dialects And usually English because they were conquered by the English And were a colony for what, a hundred something years? But to see that half the worker bees on that cruise ship were from India A place where almost nobody speaks Spanish Now that was weird However those Indian workers did take a good step at their Spanish I mean it wasn't good But like anything, after a while you pick it up And I'll tell you there's nothing stranger than hearing Spanish spoken With an Indian accent So naturally I had a few conversations with the kitchen workers etc

[09:21] And when I put the question to the various Latin Americans I met You know, how'd you get on this cruise ship? And why are you working here? I always got the same answer Free room and board, all you can eat And basically no expenses So even though they only get paid about Get this, six hundred dollars, not a week, but a month Most of that they can send back home to their families As one Honduran guy from Tagusi Galpa told me That six hundred, actually five hundred bucks That's what he sends home a month to his family in Tagusi Galpa That supports three complete families His family, his brother's family, and his brother-in-law's family So it was his luck to get that job and he knows it How did he get that job? Well get this Talk about convoluted For three years he was an illegal alien up in Texas

[10:10] Got caught and deported two different times In the meantime he learned his English well enough Street ghetto English of course But that turned out to be his ace in the hole When he answered the classified ad that appeared in the Honduran newspaper He was able in the interview to show that he did know some English And just for that reason they hired him In fact the guy from the cruise line that eventually interviewed him Said that they had that ad in the paper for two consecutive days And received seven thousand resumes for what turned out to be around two hundred jobs And as it turned out they only hired people who had some English language experience So then you might be thinking why if it's a Spanish speaking ship Would they select people with some English?

[10:57] Well it's because most of the heads of the departments like the head chef The chief of maintenance and the head of the entertainment department Were college educated people who spoke English So in the end this guy got the job because he was lucky enough to live three years in the states And get deported back down to his own country So thanks to living in a Tex-Mex ghetto up in the states he was able to get that job So in the end for him deportation was a good thing But then what about all those guys from India? They were all over that boat Well here's a bit of info that one of the Indian waiters told me Did you know, and I certainly didn't, that Royal Caribbean and a lot of other cruise lines Have their recruitment offices based in India And as it turns out every single Indian fellow on that ship

[11:45] And by the way there were no Indian ladies, just guys Yes they all were recruited directly from India And they too do the same thing as those guys from Latin America They ship back their five hundred dollars a month to their families way way back home Oh and by the way the waiter also told me they always hire married guys More stable and hard working I guess So back to the initial point of this rant In that the country of Spain allows any of its former Latin American colonies To have free passage no visa into their country as tourists That being the case you'd think there'd be Latin American people all over Spain And then of course the rest of the EU because once you're in one EU country like Spain

[12:31] You're allowed to go into any other of the 21 EU countries without a visa Well as it turns out in Europe you just don't see many Latin Americans at all And although when in Latin America if you ask any person on the street If he'd like to live in Spain or Europe they all say pretty much the same thing Hell yes, when do we go? Well the fact is it'll take at least a thousand US dollars for the airfare Which as it turns out is about three or four months salary for the average Latin American So it's just not a viable option But sneaking into the US is Oh and by the way speaking of that uppity attitude I encountered many many times with native born Spaniards In regards to their opinions about people of Latin American descent

[13:19] Well you could sum it up by saying they look at their former Latin American colonies As a land filled with poorly educated third world step children That'll never find their way out of the muck Why? Well Spaniards will tell you off the cuff That it's because their lesser Latin American brethren Are intermixed with the local indigenous types In other words their Spanish blood is way too diluted with local blood And let me tell you on the surface by the looks of things it seems to be very apparent Now note I'm talking about appearances only Not reality In Spain there are really no dark skin short people If you go there you'll see for yourself that everyone except the occasional tourist or visitor Seem to be tall white European types

[14:05] In stark contrast to the average Latin American Other than that you'll almost never see short dark skin people Unless confronted with a gardener or a waiter Sound familiar? So what you've got in Spain, the mother country Is a built in prejudice towards their shorter darker Latin American descendants Which always strikes me funny when I hear people talking about how racist the United States is For whatever problems you all up there might have in that area Let me tell you, you haven't seen racism until you've been to Latin America or Spain Oh and by the way Europe's being invaded by Africans too 99% of them illegal and off the books too In fact I must have been approached at least 10 times on the mainland in Spain and Italy

[14:52] By groups of tall very dark Africans toting large white bed sheets on their backs Just loaded with Gucci and Calvin Klein and Tommy Hilfiger and knockoffs I'm telling you when you see these guys running down the streets And they do run down the streets Carrying these big loaded down white sheets on their backs They look like black Santa Clauses I'm not kidding And believe me they are running all the time They're always running from the cops So they've got two strikes against them off the bat They're illegals in a foreign country And they're selling contraband goods So when you see four or five of these guys together Toting these big bed sheets full of contraband They're pretty much mini mobile one man women's apparel stores

[15:38] One guy with a sack full of shoes Another guy with a sack full of purses Another jewelry and sunglasses etc. Now the cops who are mostly on motorcycles Are always hot on their trails For example I watched as a couple of these African guys Threw down their sheets on a big street called La Rambla in Barcelona In no time a crowd of prospective women buyers gathered around Then maybe four or five minutes later One of the black guys whistled And within ten seconds all of them had scooped up their purses Watches jewelry and sunglasses Then seconds later Two cops in motorcycles showed up on the spot And those mobile off the books mini ladies apparel stores Long gone Then Not two hours later

[16:23] I'm walking down another street in Barcelona And there they were The same guys with their bed sheets spread open With all their paraphernalia Back in business for ten or twenty minutes Who knows how long Till the lookout once again spotted the nearest cop on their trail What a way to make a living Well at least they're not stealing right? Meanwhile back at the cruise ship There were many wealthy latin people strolling the decks And one guy who instantly spotted me out as a gringo I mean there are probably only ten gringos on the whole ship He came over to ask me specifically What I knew about the University of South Carolina Of which I know absolutely nothing What a question huh? Like it's three blocks away from the University of Chicago You know? Anyway he brought it up because He was so happy to tell me that

[17:10] His granddaughter was going there He paid her full boat tuition And he told me he was hoping that During or after college She'd meet a nice American boy Get married and stay in America the rest of her life Because he said Europe was fast crumbling And going to the dogs Specifically being overrun by foreigners Like the African boat people The Muslims And the Eastern Europeans Who were stealing all the jobs Now remember Spain is a country we all know Has thirty to thirty-five percent adult unemployment And unlike the U.S. Even the government officials there admit it Now note because of all that unemployment The average salary in Spain If you're an unskilled worker Is about a thousand bucks a month

[17:55] Now remember that's not welfare That's your regular salary And it's a first world country So it's first world expensive Which means the average Spaniard Can't even afford his own car And here's this rich Spanish guy telling me He's so glad that he can afford to send his granddaughter To a U.S. University Hoping she'll marry an American And live out the rest of her life In a land he seems to think Is immune from all those problems I mean come on Who says Europeans are better educated And more informed I'm sure you've heard that cliche before Well I can tell you that may be true Of Europeans who travel overseas But the ones in their own native countries That never go anywhere That's another story completely Sound familiar? Now not much longer after that

[18:42] Me and this guy had a kind of falling out It happened when he asked the usual Break the ice questions What I was doing in Spain And what kind of work I did All that stuff And when I told him I was from Chicago And I never wanted to go back to the U.S. For any reason whatsoever And just to needle him a little I told him I hope he had a plan B For his granddaughter When the feces does hit the ventilator Well he gave me that kind of stunned look As if a bird just s*** it on my head He just couldn't believe that anyone Would ever want to leave the U.S. voluntarily Or that any naturally born American Would have such a low opinion of the place That's when he gave me that tired old pathetic line He said if America was going down the tubes

[19:27] Why were all those millions of poor Latin Americans Risking life and live Just to sneak into the land of milk and honey Then I said if Europe's going down the tubes Then why are all the Africans and Indians And muslims trying to get in Now remember This guy was a self professed Spanish rich guy When I asked him how he managed to send his granddaughter To U.S. schools Heavy dollars that must be about 40 grand a year You know, out of country tuition And the fact that he could take cruises like this Well guess what he did for a living He was a recently retired Get this Mayor of some small Spanish province And proud to tell me that he'd been the mayor of that place For 18 years Yep, once again

[20:12] Face to face with a scumbag politician Living the good life by sloppin' from the public trough Oh, and by the way This guy also had a case of long range halitosis Which seems to be an occupational hazard For all politicians I've found I mean come on You'd think their wives and mistresses would clue him in What some women will put up with To be close to power and money Yep, I digress as usual But before I get back on point Let me ask you this question What would you do if you were on a transatlantic flight And the guy sitting next to you by random fate Of computer seat selection Had a terrible case of searing B.O. And migraine inducing halitosis to boot Now remember we're talking about an 8 to 10 hour flight here

[20:58] Well I'll tell you what I did I walked around a lot But eventually you gotta go back to your seat, right? So happily At around 4 hours into the flight They passed around some little cups of ice cream dessert And I held that little cup in my hand For about half an hour Till it became a Nicely flowing little milky mass And when he got up to go to the bathroom Something unfortunate happened The entire back and seat of his chair Somehow got saturated with the stuff How'd that happen? Well there were kids running around And they must have done it, right? Oh and I forgot to tell you some of that ice cream Also somehow seeped into that little hand controller That allows you to select your entertainment Your movies Your radio Your TV You know what I'm talking about On those transatlantic flights They give you a lot of little diversions like that

[21:44] And needless to say His were not squeaky clean And some day when there's time I'll tell you what happened to his earphones And what happened from there I think you'll appreciate it So again the question is What would you do under those circumstances? My philosophy is If you're going to stink That's your business But don't pass it on to the rest of the world But I digress Boy did I digress I'm sure Some of you have been in a spot like that So what did you do? And by the way As crude as this might sound Someone's got to say it On those long distance flights There's an awful lot of farting going on Pretty damn disgusting And you know what I mean Now leave it to expat Eddie To come up with a solution to that Dude He's a smoker And he says that years ago There was a cigarette called Carleton

[22:31] And the filter had charcoal in it And he swears that You could pull that filter off the cigarette Stick him up your nose Don't laugh Better your nose Than well any place else And those things would absorb The nastiest of smells So he says And in theory I guess they would So he says Along with disposable headphones The airlines should pass out Little charcoal filter nose inserts Don't laugh Crazier things have happened And if it flies No pun intended Whoever gets the contract Will be able to avoid all those unpleasantries And get his own Learjet So much for wishful thinking Okay now for sports Just kidding If you've been listening to this program For any length of time You know that I've mentioned that Latin America is an ideal place

[23:18] To get top notch medical care At third world prices And I've also mentioned that If you're in any way incapacitated In a wheelchair Homebound Or with whatever medical condition That needs treatment Whether periodically or 24-7 Latin America is also The perfect place to be Because like I said Time and time again You could get a full time Live in nurse For around 3 to 500 dollars a month Yep 3 to 500 bucks a month So even if you're on social security And you're making let's say 1500 a month You could easily afford A 24-7 live in nurse Who will also double as your maid And your cook and everything else That's just the way it is down here Now on that note I get a lot of emails from people Talking about that very thing And asking me a lot of questions

[24:03] About how to do it How to go about finding one of those nurses Whether it's 24-7 Or just maybe a day nurse Or a so called visiting nurse Well it just so happens that recently One of my expat wisdom seminar attendees Has himself been searching for alternatives For his father Who's an Alzheimer's patient up in the states At a pathetically disgusting Stinky state run facility A thoroughly depressing place So anyway he's been trying his hardest To get his dad out of there And down to Latin America Into his own apartment And recently He's been advertising for nurses That would be the first step Now that he knows a little Spanish He says he's about a 5 on a 10 scale He tells me he recently ran an ad

[24:49] In the big Managua Nicaragua newspaper In Spanish of course He ran the ad for a week In the classifieds And he sent me a copy of the ad And I'll translate this It says Looking for a full time live in nurse To take care of an elderly patient Preferably a nurse with experience in geriatrics Please send photo, curriculum, job history, etc. To the following newspaper P.O. Box Well you know he ran this ad for a week And he said by day 2 He'd received over 75 resumes And now he says Because there's such big interest In this kind of work He's going to rerun the ad Asking for a nurse Who speaks Psalm English And see what kind of response

[25:34] He gets with that one Which would be the ideal situation Because his dad He says is still lucid sometimes And would really need a nurse That knew Psalm English So he just wanted to let me know That these kinds of newspaper solicitations Worked like gang busters In fact he says now That he'd like to learn his Spanish a little better And come down to Latin America And maybe start his own business As a middleman Matching up local nurses With first world gringos In need of full time or part time care like that In other words he's thinking You contact him And he'll do the mixing and the matching And the interviewing And take the burden off First world gringos Who don't know the first thing About finding a nurse down here A service that would be especially valuable

[26:20] For people who don't speak Spanish Anyway as you can see There are a million opportunities down here And all you need is to do A little bit of investigation yourself And get some boots on the ground Now that said Don't forget my July 2015 Expat Wisdom Seminar What are you waiting for? If you don't have a plan B When the feces hits the ventilator up north You've only yourself to blame And you do need to get your boots on the ground And you know so many past Expat Wisdom Seminar attendees Have told me this is the easiest, fastest And best way to go about it So just go to expatwisdom.com Click on the Latin Seminar link And get your boots on the ground with me and my team And have some fun while you're at it And here's how it works In the mornings it's lecture time

[27:05] And every afternoon and evening It's full boots on the ground A different experience every day We do hospitals, doctors, universities Factories, agriculture, real estate and much more Not to mention we give you a set of legal and business contacts You just can't get anywhere else So again go to expatwisdom.com Click on the Seminar link and check it out We're about a month and a half away from launch So there's still time to get in on the adventure You've been listening to The Expat Files Living in Latin America Coming to you twice a week from somewhere south of the border Email me Theexpatfiles at gmail.com And don't forget to check out expatwisdom.com To sign up for your free reports on Latin America

[27:52] See you next time Nos vemos