#434 – The Expat Files: Life, Culture, and Challenges in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border, down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came up to play and now I wonder Hello there all you expat wannabes I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America the show that tells you just what it's like to live Work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started Well, here's one for you the other day I was sitting around at someone's birthday party pure Latin American birthday party middle class and all that the only gringo there me And I got to talk into a couple of 20-something Latin guys early 20s I didn't know these guys from anything but since I was the odd gringo out people want to talk to me naturally

[00:51] Well, let me correct that I should say males want to talk to me Females are way too timid when you're off the gringo tourist trail to come up to you and start talking and that's just not gonna happen Unless of course, you know more ready or they're in that one or two percent wealthy class And they've gone to bilingual schools all their lives and such and then they're not timid at all And in fact, we'll break into English right away Some wealthy Latin kids will talk to gringos at the drop of a dime In fact, some of them just won't shut up when they see a gringo. Why because off the gringo tourist trail There's so few gringos around when they see one of us They really want to practice their English with a native gringo, which is a good thing, but I digress Anyway at that party in question There were a couple of middle-class Latin kids sitting on the sofa near me and as you know if you're sitting around for a while with people you don't know eventually you introduce yourselves and the usual questions come and

[01:44] Note that when you're sitting around with Spanish speakers, you don't know the usual question is don de eres Where do you come from and in this case? I said what I usually say Canada, of course Now I don't fib and say I'm from Canada for the reasons that first come to mind You know that common and basically true belief that people all over the world like Canadians and don't really care for gringos All that much. Well, that may be true everywhere else, but not in Latin America Latin Americans really do like gringos, but in two different ways if you're off the gringo tourist trail They like you because you're different you're a novelty You can give them a job maybe or at least help them out maybe And there's a high coolness factor when latins have a gringo friend now

[02:32] When you're on the gringo tourist trail like Costa Rica and panama the locals, of course love gringos too But only because we are dollar signs to them In fact, we've killed that gringo advantage there because there's just way too many of us treading on their soil They're kind of sick of us as persons, but they love the u.s Dollar that we bring which is why they're so good at the happy smiley face whereas behind that nice smile There's generally a con artist, but I digress again Anyway, I told these two guys I was from Canada like I usually do for a reason most people would never guess Now you see I've found out when i'm at lower middle class and middle class parties more often than not The late teenage and 20-something guys that eventually come up to talk to me Have either gone to the united states and have been deported already or they have in the back in their mind

[03:20] To pump you a gringo for some general information about what do you think where you come from? I mean get it from the horse's mouth, right? I mean come on if you were gonna sneak in the states illegally Wouldn't you want to know from the horse's mouth how the pickings are in cleveland? So if I say i'm from chicago Chances are when i'm talking to these guys They'll be asking me a lot of particulars about chicago thinking beyond hope That i'll give them the inside dope on the place and maybe just maybe Throw a little lifeline out to them and do what some gringos do and say hey If you're ever up there just look me up or look up my cousin arnie who owns a gas station Or my buddy chuck who owns a dry cleaning chain, etc, etc And really it's true many many gringos are super nice and super naive and i'll often give out their

[04:10] Home phone number or business phone number up in chicago or wherever they live to some friendly latin guy They made at a party down here Now what so many fresh gringos don't know because they haven't been around like so many of us long term expats have been is that a good percentage of these guys will actually go up to the states And try to make that connection. You just gave them now both me and expat eddie have stories about that I'll probably tell one another show. But anyway, just know that a little disinformation goes a long way And I suggest you guys up there in the big brother world do that as much as you can up there, too Of course you've heard the saying baffle him with bull Well, cow feces is just another word for disinformation

[04:56] So my advice use it and use it often believe me You don't want a tired scruffy hungry illegal showing up at midnight on your doorstep in cleveland Or worse yet showing up at your brother-in-law's tire shop with a business card that you've scribbled on Now interestingly enough here's the economics on that if you ask an average 20 year old latin guy A guy with just a high school education and no prospects if he'd like to go to the u.s He'd say yes in a second. How do I get there? Because you know down here a guy like that's limited to a job making only about 250 to 350 bucks a month But get this if you ask a guy like that and I have What it would take for him to stay down here and not have the desire to rush up to the states illegally The number I keep hearing over and over again from these guys is

[05:44] 500 bucks a month. That's it About double the minimum wage down here meaning if a guy like that could make 500 bucks a month He would be completely satisfied and not have the ever-present desire to escape to the states And you know when these latin guys without any skills find out that if you're on welfare up in chicago You can make something like a thousand bucks a month with a lot of other perks for sitting on your dead ass No wonder there's a line 10 miles long and 20 deep trying to sneak into the states, huh? But back to the point a long time ago I found out that when i'm sitting at a party and i'm talking to some 20 something latin middle class boys When I mentioned i'm from chicago, which I don't do much anymore at all Guess what the first words out of their mouth would always be?

[06:31] Chicago bulls nope, they'd never say chicago bears It was always bulls because you know They're nuts about their own football teams which are soccer teams, of course And get this for some reason in latin america basketball is very big But the people aren't so they don't have any professional teams So anyway be prepared if you're stuck next to one of these 20 something middle class kids Who will definitely want to bond with you and get ready for the 20 questions when you tell them you're from Milwaukee or chicago So anyway, we're at this party talking to these two young guys, right? And that is is the usual case to impress they threw in a couple of very bad english phrases here and there And of course i'm always polite enough to ask well Where'd you learn your english and I say that in a nice way And both these guys said they were brothers They'd had been learning it by watching first world cable tv surprise surprise, huh?

[07:21] Nothing unusual about that except every once in a while when they broke into english I heard one or the other say the word q as in cue ball, you know in billiards and pool In fact, I heard them both say a number of times check it out q And you know as to not embarrass that guy or correct him I'm trying to figure out what the hell he's talking about for a while I thought i'm the one who's a social retired and you know since there were a lot of people there Occasionally a good-looking girl would walk by and they'd say check it out q Then a well-dressed guy or a young kid would walk by and they'd say nike's bonitos q Which means nice nike's q Whatever that means and get this even when I walked outside to go back to my car They were out in the front yard and they said nice car q and you know

[08:09] It took me a while because i'm kind of dense sometime, but I finally figured it out They were saying q like cue ball, but they meant cute c-u-t-e They just couldn't spit it outright They were saying that my car was cute and that guy's shoes were cute and that girl was cute And you know, I just couldn't let that go on. So I did say something. I said hey you guys listen I'm gonna fill you in on something. Of course. I'm speaking in spanish I said where'd you get that word q or cute? They said they picked it up from classic gringo tv shows like sex in the city and friends old reruns That were in spanish with english subtitles best way for them to learn it They said and they saw that when something was cool good nice or bonita in spanish

[08:57] English speakers would always say that's cute Only they didn't get it right. They'd say q Which just goes to show how subtle the cultural differences can be and somehow it never get transmitted And I really just couldn't let these guys go on saying that so I said, you know what you guys There are some things you really have to know about using that word cute You don't go up to a guy and say your car is cute or your shoes are cute Unless you're a woman saying that or you're gay It's just a cultural thing because you know up in the states the word cute in english is used almost Exclusively by women and gays to denote something nice and cool and all that But look hetero guys rarely use that term But when they do use it

[09:43] It always means exactly the opposite or they use it when they're being quite cynical For example, your dog might take a crap on your viddit shag rug in the living room And you'll look at him for a second and say that was cute. At least that's how we use that word up in chicago Or I mean canada Anyway in the end. I told those two guys in spanish It's better if you're a guy that will avoid that word all together. Okay, so there you have it Everything happens to me, right? And if it doesn't you can count on it happening to expat That said here's a quick report from my friend the english teacher that works at one of those helicopter schools And for those of you guys and gals out there who don't know what helicopter schools are They're private k through 12 schools

[10:28] Catering to the kids of the one or two percent of the wealthy latin families often known as the bubble kids because with a house full Of maids cleaning ladies bodyguards gardeners and cooks they're so protected and insulated From what's happening on the real world and the helicopter school bit came from the fact that most of these schools Have a heliport and some of the kids are actually shipped in daily by helicopter Anyway, the other day I got together with my longtime english teacher expat friend Who's been named many times teacher of the year at one of these helicopter schools? Anyway, he told me he's having a little trouble at his school these days Discipline problems he says turns out these kids at home are princes and princesses So they are just not disciplined at all then when they get to school. Well, you know the result

[11:17] Anyway, he says the classroom rules that he sets down for those kids Are looked upon by them as very very strict and sometimes they complain to the principal and to their parents And he gets called into the office on occasion. For example to explain why he took away a kid's ipad or iphone It's a continuous problem. He says with all teachers now. He tells me in his classroom He has a special drawer in his desk that if you open it up, there's got to be at least he says 25 000 about two year salary for him worth of electronic devices and gadgets that he's Confiscated from his sixth grade kids in the last year now. They have fair warning He's got a big sign when you walk in the class No texting no beeps or squeaks or squawks. No voicemail. No ringtones, etc, etc

[12:07] Or your device will get confiscated Now, of course, he says he gives it all back at the end of the semester or year or whatever But he says that rule has brought him a lot of grief and a lot of meetings with the parents and the principal Okay, so you might think big deal. Well, so do I but that's not the end of the story He says he's just about reached his limit He wants out now and in a big way not because he doesn't have a lot of freedom to teach what he wants, etc He does though. He says the idiot administrators at that school are forever trying to copy first world us educational techniques and We know how that's worked out up north Anyway, he said there's this draw that's breaking the camel's back right now and her name is Rita

[12:52] And little Rita in sixth grade Is that lucky child who's got a last name that everybody knows down here in latin america because they Own the pepsi company and the beer company and the sugar company and the cement company, etc Et cetera, and she likes that everyone knows it He says just as school started for the new semester after christmas. He was informed by letter little Rita Wasn't to go to lunch with the rest of the kids in the cafeteria anymore. She doesn't like the food there It doesn't agree with her. So every day just before lunchtime A spanking new bulletproof range rover pulls up in the school's parking lot And by the way, that parking lot is full of bodyguards that hang out all day Waiting for their little charges to get out

[13:39] So picture this big gravel parking lot with a bunch of bodyguards standing around a couple of picnic tables Covered by an open kind of tent. That's about as big as a two-car garage That's where they hang in the parking lot all day and shoot the breeze and play cards or whatever Useless mental midgets like that do all day while waiting for their precious little charges to come out and get their chauffeur drive home So like my teacher friend says now little Rita gets her own private delivery of food each day By bulletproof limo every day about quarter to 12 She walks out to the parking lot and the driver opens up the back door She jumps in the back where there's a little table set up real silverware and all that and there's a maid waiting in there

[14:27] Serving this little sixth grader her special food freshly prepared earlier Back at the family mansion, which believe it or not is about a one and a half hour drive to the school each way Nope, no box lunch for her. She gets a limo lunch Such are the sufferings of third world children So that's why like my teacher friend said he and a couple of other gringos that work there really want out But he says, you know in a way seeing extremely decadent things like that happening with the kids is a good thing Because like he says if you're just a lazy ass teacher biting your time Soon enough. No one thinks anything of those strange occurrences And he says many of the latin teachers at his school are like that in a word deadbeats

[15:14] And he says at his school. They've got about a 50 percent gringo teacher 50 percent latin teacher mix though surprisingly enough He says few gringo teachers He knows are deadbeats mostly because like he said the gringo teachers down in latin america are a self-selecting sample Just the fact that they made it down here without knowing the language generally Thousands of miles from their home country not knowing a soul when you take the time and effort to put that plan in action You've already got the requisite energy determination and spunk To really outperform the average teacher and leave latin teachers in the dust now He says if he were principal of that school He's got a list of teachers that he'd fire in a second and they're all lazy ass latin teachers that Somehow got the job because they knew someone what else is new, huh?

[16:03] Now when asked about gringo teacher deadbeats down here in latin america, he says uh-uh Deadbeats not down here. They're all working up in big city us public schools like chicago and new york Boy, he got that right didn't he? Anyway, he said when you see decadent little instances like that It sure lights a fire under gringo teachers Most all of them after four or five years of that have started their own businesses on the side With a mind to quit teaching as soon as they can So he says gringo teachers down here don't stay on after they're thoroughly burnt out As is the case up in the states where there's a strong teachers union teachers up north No matter how burnt out are almost impossible to fire and they hold on to get that pension down here in latin america

[16:49] He says only the disastrous public schools have teachers unions Go figure and he says as far as he knows there isn't a single gringo working in a latin public school Why would they and as far as security with tenure? Well tenure only counts in those disastrous public school systems, too So then what about gringo teachers who get burnt out? Well down here in latin america for gringos There's so many business opportunities that teachers who are burnt out even ones that aren't Almost always find a niche that brings in extra money. Sometimes a lot of extra money now He says after I think 14 years at this school He's looking forward to the day he can walk out and never look back And I know always in the back of his mind are those handful of gringo expat teachers

[17:37] Who found their niche and are driving their own range overs now or is it niches? Anyway, like he says they're not teaching anymore and there are big successes If you think having a range rover is a measure of success latin's certainly think so But I don't which brings us to another discussion. I think you'll find interesting Now this teacher guy and I have sat down many times and talked about the state of education down here in latin america And what we'd do if we had young kids ourselves And had to make that decision as to what school we'd send our own And you know a while back and for quite a few years We were both of the opinion that yes Gringos could come down here with their young kids and for a ridiculously low amount of tuition

[18:24] Get the kind of extremely rarefied upscale education that only the ultra wealthy in the states could ever afford For example with certain private boarding schools Which I know in the chicago and new york area can cost 30 or 40 000 bucks a year for k through 12 Now that's totally out of reach for any middle class american or even upper middle class american impossible. However down here Equivalent schools like that run anywhere from three to five grand a year like a tenth of a cost And believe it or not down here. No luxury or extra is spared These so-called helicopter schools have olympic sized pools and heliports and tennis squash and soccer fields Theaters and fully equipped science and chemistry labs even university style telescopes and planetariums

[19:15] In fact one of my gringo friends who's got a 12 year old kid going to one of these schools He said there are 20 in his kids class and for that class He says they have five full-time teachers and for you mathematically challenged folks who went to us public schools That's one teacher for every four kids and two of those teachers are a hundred percent gringo first world teachers Anyway for years my gringo friend and I have been talking about what a fantastic deal It is to bring your kid down here and get that kind of education for him and guaranteed 100 bilingual, too Sometimes trilingual if you go to one of those helicopter schools run by a european staff For example, the german school the austrian school the swiss school Yep, they've got all those private k through 12 schools down here, too I'm talking about in the medium in large cities, of course

[20:02] But I have to say lately let's say in the past year or so My english teacher friend has done a flip Now he says he'd never want to send one of his kids to a school like the one he teaches at In fact, he knows a diverse group of gringo teachers down in a lot of different helicopter schools in latin america And they all say the same thing which is the schools are absolutely fantastic But you wouldn't want your kids hanging with the kids that attend those schools So then what are you supposed to do homeschool? Well, that's impossible for most people Even though it's totally legal down here in latin america. Well, I should say rather there's nobody checking That said any of you folks out there who do homeschooling You know how tough that is one parent has to be completely devoted all day to that

[20:50] Oh, and here's an interesting case. I have a very good friend who is a latin medical doctor And he went to the u.s to get his specialty degree and came back down to practice here And of course down here, he's a comparatively high earner I bet he makes a whole 30 or 40 000 a year that kind of money will put him in poverty row up in the states Though not here in latin america Anyway, we've talked a lot about education down here and he sends his two kids to one of those helicopter schools and funny enough He says exactly the same thing. He doesn't want his kids hanging with 90 percent of the other kids in that school either I should have known it because he's not your typical macho latin guy I guess maybe those grad school years up in the states rung the macho thing right out of him

[21:36] Anyway to preclude his kids from being contaminated by the other princes and princesses at their helicopter school He's laid down some very strict laws for his kids in his own house For example, he has no televisions in his house Now for a latin family, and I don't care what socioeconomic background you're from that move is absolutely unheard of He says now when friends from school come over They actually have to figure out something to do with themselves use their imaginations Oh, and by the way his kids get a cell phone for emergencies, but it's one of those cheapies. It's not a smartphone Now he says in lieu of tv's provided his kids with a number of musical instruments and of course lessons And he said you know johnny somewhere along the way my kids discovered these ancient analog things called books

[22:26] And actually like to read them So that's how he handles it anyway in the real world if you got a little money Enough to send your kid to a bubble school or helicopter school, whatever you want to call it I can predict if you pull the tv into smartphones You'll be at war with your kids and you'll probably lose and then the next stage might be rebellion and that could get pretty testy Especially if you have young girls remember down here There are a lot of cheap tattoo and piercing parlors around Now any of you moms and dads up in cleveland who've been through that stage with your kid. I feel for you Anyway in the end. Here's the conclusion My gringo teacher friend and I have come to about schooling your own young kids down here in latin america Now the perfect answer seems simple, but it was a long time coming

[23:13] First let me refresh your memory from a past show when I mentioned that if you're sick or in a wheelchair And you need constant care living nurses down here are about three or four hundred bucks a month And she'll probably do windows toilets and cook for you, too But even more unbelievable if you could squeeze out eight hundred to a thousand bucks a month You could actually have your own live-in or at least on call 24 7 personal doctor An md or even a specialist. Well when I mentioned that some people sent me emails saying they didn't believe it But i've collected numerous classified section want ads coming from medium and large sized latin newspapers with hospitals and clinics Advertising for medical doctors and specialists offering to pay 600 to a thousand dollars a month

[24:03] So knowing that hospitals and clinics pay doctors at that rate. That means so could you now? How unbelievably cool is that and I know young doctors especially would jump at the chance to work for a gringo especially? Emergency room trauma doctors and how would I go about snagging one for the job? Well, i'd go down to one of the public hospital emergency rooms where there's traumas all the time car accidents bullet wounds You name it and i'd make up a little want ad and i'd put it on the bulletin board in the doctor's lounge In fact, I know a gringo who did just that and guess what in a big public hospital He had that ad up there for one week and he got eight calls By the way, his idea is to bring his dad down here to latin america's god alzheimer's

[24:51] And get him a full-time live-in nurse and a 24 7 doctor on call And by the way Don't think because I said you could do your recruiting at public hospitals that the doctors are any less qualified because you know Those public hospitals really suck But the doctors don't in fact every latin doctor has to do a certain amount of time in a public hospital That's just part of the way they do things here and that includes even doctors who've done their specialty work up in the states They too have to do some time in public hospitals Oh, and by the way, all latin medical schools now require their doctors to be bilingual and to graduate They must take and pass the tofel test which is the international test for english competency So anyway knowing that you can hire a full-time nurse for 300 to 400 bucks a month

[25:39] And as crazy as it sounds have your own private personal doctor as if you were a billionaire or european royalty For under a grand a month. Well knowing that it didn't take long for me and my english teacher friend to connect the dots What could be better if you had young kids down here in latin america? Then to hire a smart young gringo expat who's just come down looking for a job teaching Why not hire one of the thousands of qualified gringo teachers yourself? Get it your kids can have their own first world full-time gringo teacher And you know those helicopter schools only pay about four to five hundred bucks a month to start So then you've got what people in the states can only dream about a private tutor that comes in every day to teach your kids So what could be better than that?

[26:25] How about a private tutor that did windows toilets cooked and changed the oil in your car? Just kidding so in the end if you have young kids down here You've got three rational choices one you either home school Which of course is out of the question for most parents To send your kid to one of those helicopter schools and then he's thrown in with the vipers I mean the kids or number three for the same price you hire a first world expat gringo teacher Oh and by the way, whatever you're paying them four or five hundred bucks a month The cost for you would obviously be prorated if you had more than one kid being tutored under the same roof And even a much better deal for you if there was a kid or two in the neighborhood who could be worked in on the same deal So then how do you find one put an ad in the classifieds or steal a teacher from one of the helicopter schools?

[27:18] Most I think would jump at the chance if they could Oh and just one more thing if you're interested in coming to an expat wisdom seminar in latin america Drop me a line at the expat files at gmail.com or johnny at expat wisdom.com You've been listening to the expat files living in latin america coming to you twice a week from somewhere south of the border Email me the expat files at gmail.com And don't forget to check out expat wisdom.com to sign up for your free reports on latin america See you next time. Nos vemos He knows