#416 – The Expat Files: Navigating Latin America’s Culture, Politics, and Coffee

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border, down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came out to play And now that I wonder Hello there all you expat wannabes I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to The Expat Files, living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live, work, play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good, the bad, the ugly and the great And it's all right here so let's get started Now if you recall on a previous show I was talking about beauty pageants and beauty queens down here in Latin America And all the rigmarole they have to go through to get into these pageants To build up a resume, win small local pageants etc Dish out some money, for them a lot of money

[00:47] And I mentioned that this obsessive beauty pageant thing is a microcosm That's happening right within a very macho society So the whole beauty pageant structure down here is a lot different than it is up in the states Now when I finished off the latest show, having to deal with that Something came to mind that I just have to talk about The last time I was in South America, about oh 6 months ago I had to make the connection through Panama And as usual when I go through Panama And I hate going through that airport because it's really a sterile, unfriendly place Compared to most other Latin American airports And not to mention the people, the Panamanos working there don't seem to like their jobs at all And sure let you know about it by giving off that kind of nasty vibe It's happened to me nearly every time I've been through that airport

[01:34] Not to mention fingerprint and retinal scans that they put you through Why, I don't know, you tell me It just makes no sense Since a drunk idiot could slip through the Panama Costa Rican border With no problem whatsoever, and they do Not to mention anyone with a creaky old fishing boat could land in Panama Since it's surrounded by water and get away with it too, no problem But when it comes to the Panama City International Airport It really puts you through the Big Brother Blender And you know why that is of course Because Panama is an international banking center And people with dough going there to do some banking or finance Are not going to sneak through Costa Rica Or take a rickety fishing boat, land on the beach and slip in unnoticed So it seems the big shakedown is targeting people with some money or some resources

[02:21] That just might come to Panama to take advantage of its banking and commercial center And of course Uncle Sam's fingerprints are all over that After all, a farmer always wants to know where his cows are Anyway, last time I was down there about 6 months ago It was election season Posters and billboards everywhere advertising the next round of candidates and incumbent scumbags Well, if you think for a minute that machoism hasn't penetrated every single aspect of Latin society Listen to this During this latest political campaign in Panama One of the main platform positions that many of these candidates were running on is this If elected, they promised they would pass legislation That would restrict the number of Colombian women allowed in the country

[03:10] Note here I said Colombian women, not Colombian men Why, you might ask? What possible reason would anyone have that as a point on a political platform? The candidates' twisted logic here is to capture more of the female vote Nope, not the Colombian women vote either because they can't vote in Panama Strangely enough, it's designed to get Panama women off their butts to vote So how is that supposed to happen? Well, Panamanian women are extremely pissed off at Colombian women They just do not seem to like them at all And remember, Colombia's immediately south of Panama So then why the animosity? Well, over the past 5 or 10 years, Panama's become a big destination for gamblers, tourists and high rollers

[03:58] Panama's got a lot of nightclubs, a lot of casinos, hotels, restaurants, etc And therefore a lot of hospitality jobs that most of these casino odors, etc. prefer to fill with beautiful young women And Colombia, being known around the world for a disproportionate amount of beautiful young women Well, they all want to get out of their country where the competition's stiff To go to a country like Panama with all those high rollers, etc. Thinking if they take a job in the hospitality business there, they'll run into a lot of wealthy, young, eligible guys That'll make life easy for them from then on And to a large degree, that's exactly what's been happening In fact, even the nightclubs and the stripper clubs and the hooker joints are advertising in Colombia for beautiful young girls

[04:43] And yes, prostitution is legal in Panama So that draws huge numbers of wealthy foreigners, too In fact, insiders will tell you that up to 30% of the clientele at some of these strip clubs, hotels, and casinos are Asian men Because hell, there's more millionaires and billionaires in China than any other country in the world now, isn't there? So the fact is, Colombian women have invaded Panama And since it's almost always the young and beautiful that get accepted and selected to come work at these hotels and clubs, etc. And by the way, it's the companies that put the ads in the paper that actually provide the visas, too That said, just come down here some time and talk to one of the local Panama girls and you'll hear the same story Colombian women are taking all our jobs And worse yet, they're snapping up rich foreigners, which is okay

[05:31] But they're also snapping up our own eligible Panama men That's the other little dirty side of the story Your average Panamanian girl says with all these beautiful Colombian girls around We don't have a chance with our own local men, especially our upscale local men So there you have it Kicking out, or at least limiting the influx of beautiful Colombian women Has become a hot topic for local politicians looking to garner the woman vote As one journalist said, that's a topic every Panama woman has a strong opinion about Now you might be thinking that a political platform like that could just as easily backfire Panama men would likely vote against a candidate sticking up for that measure In fact, it's hard to find a Panama guy that doesn't just love Colombian women Well, that just shows you how crazy things are down here in Latin America

[06:19] So now I'll ask all you guys and gals up in the States What would you do in that position? How would you vote? I mean, come on, Sofia Vergara has not become the number one sex symbol up in the first world for nothing Oh, and by the way, while we're on the subject of women immigrating to Panama We mustn't forget about Venezuela You know, it is a completely failed state Everyone's broke, well, nearly everyone's broke, except if you work for government And Venezuela too is known for its inordinate amount of beautiful women Like I mentioned before Venezuelan women have by far won more international beauty contests than any other country in the world per capita So yes, great numbers of attractive broke Venezuelan women are escaping to Panama as fast as they can too

[07:08] And once they get out, normally their very first stop is Colombia To the north, and then from Colombia, a hop and a skip due north to Panama In fact, latest newspaper statistics are saying that 70,000 young Venezuelan women a year are escaping to Panama Many, of course, coming on tourist visas for 90 days and then they just What do you think? They overstay their visa and disappear as illegal aliens in Panama Hmm, sound familiar? Oh, and while we're on the topic, just a very un-PC word of advice here For all you first world single guys out there, and it's always guys Sending me emails asking if I think it's a good idea To check out those beautiful Venezuelan and Colombian ladies on those mating and dating websites

[07:54] Well, I'm telling you right now, it's a bad idea Very bad Because here's what you're normally gating when you hook up with these girls No matter how beautiful and great their resume sounds Well, first of all, they generally do not get on those dating sites and sign up Looking for guys from Cleveland or whatever Unless they've had some very, very bad things happen to them in their home city or country Remember, to Latins, their family is everything And if they're gonna give all that up in the hopes of going to the United States And possibly never seeing their family again, well, something nasty has still gone down Next, they're always carrying big baggage with them that they're not gonna tell you about At least not right away For example, a spare kid or two Or worse, a criminal, brother, father, sister, ex or not even ex-boyfriend

[08:44] Or it could be she's the lone support of a large family Mother, grandpa, grandma, a couple of kids And who do you think she's looking to to help her out with that? A lonely heart clueless gringo, of course Oh, and by the way, on these Latin hookup websites There are a lot of part-time hookers signing on to get the hell out of the business And you'll never know that This might sound crass, well, it all sounds crass, right? But note that the majority of these young, beautiful, Venezuelan, and Colombian women They're more than likely just disco queen party girls Who needs someone with little money to help them support that activity You know, you can't live that kind of life on a secretary's salary You need some first-world lonely hearts on the internet to send you a check once in a while

[09:30] And also note that if Latin ladies know enough English And are sophisticated enough to get on one of those international dating sites And put their dats out there You just might be talking to someone that's always looking to trade up Most have been around the block a few times And loaded down with baggage they'll keep well hidden One thing you have to know about all these dating sites These ladies might say they're going to college And they're career girls, etc, etc But gringos I know who've gone that route And hit those dating sites have found A good 80% of what they're telling you is wishful thinking, hyperbole, or pure BS Then again, gringos who get on those sites have a pretty good line of crap too, don't they? Note I've met a few gringos who've come down here To rendezvous with just such a Colombian or Venezuelan woman that they met on the internet

[10:18] Only to find out the hard way by spending all that money That there were a lot of missing pieces to the puzzle So like Expedity says, if you think you're going to find the girl of your dreams Looking on a Colombian or Venezuelan mating and dating site I got a timeshare to sell you in Cleveland So bottom line, single guys out there go ahead and check out those sites if you're curious I mean they're quite amusing But by no means should you fall in love or send her money or make any definite plans If you do, you'll be sorry I've yet to see any of those gringo slash latin girl dating site hookups last more than two years Seems like every one of those ladies has a fatal flaw or two She's not telling you about But then again, so do you, right? Okay, speaking of using the internet Note that the word internet is the same in English as it is in Spanish

[11:07] Because nearly all technical words and phrases Are the same or nearly the same as they are in English So you'll see that word internet around here all over the place Though they'll pronounce it internet Not internet, they'll say internet However, if you ask a latin person To take that word internet and split it into the prefix being inter And the suffix being net If you ask them what the part inter means in internet They won't know what you're talking about And if you ask them what the word net means They won't know what you're talking about either So though the word internet in English is totally self-explanatory You know, inter net You can picture what that is The parts of the word itself paint the picture, right?

[11:54] Well, just like every other scientific word that ends up in the Spanish vocabulary To us, it's often self-descriptive like the word internet But to latins, no way They just have to memorize it And they are good at that Here's the interesting part A lot of latins also use the word red That's R-E-D for the internet So for example, many people will say in Spanish Es in la red Meaning it's on the internet Es means it's En means in La red means the internet So why am I bringing this up? Well, here's the funny part The word red in Spanish is not like red, the color to us The word red to them means net Like butterfly net or fishing net

[12:41] So actually in Spanish, that's a more proper or descriptive term for the internet La red, the net However, when you're off the gringo tourist trail Where maybe only 1 out of 20 people Understands English in any meaningful way They have no idea that The net part of the word internet Means red or net to them Seems like your average latin Never makes the connection or puts the two together Or it's never taught at school So you'll hear internet and la red Used interchangeably down here Without ever realizing the word red or net Is in the word internet Kind of like how latins view that word B-I-P To them, VIP Confused yet? I just found this out from a middle aged latin woman

[13:28] She tells me that if your right ear starts to itch That means someone's saying something good about you somewhere And if your left ear starts to itch Someone's saying something nasty about you Yes folks, I've been down here over 20 years And I do learn something every day And of course you will too Okay, changing gears a bit here Remember a couple of shows ago When I was talking about the dumbed down latin sense of humor And I went through all that about how stand up comedians In the first world could never just translate Their subject to spanish and come down here and make a hit Well you just have to hear this email That I got from a latin guy living up in the states For a long long time A guy who actually went up to the states legally Because he was recruited

[14:14] To play a stereotypical latin guy part In an off broadway show Now down here in latin america in mexico Dominican republican cuba People know him rather well I guess He's worked all his life on the latin stage And in latin soap operas And in his first english speaking job in the states He was recruited to play a college kid On campus in a lily white university Now this is a guy who went to bilingual schools In latin america as a kid So his command and understanding of english was about 80% Which is very good But as he tells it 80% is just nowhere enough to understand the american sense of humor And I'll paraphrase it here because it's kind of long He says when I was around 25 And recruited down in latin america

[15:00] To come up to new york and work in an off broadway play I knew a lot about acting But I never acted in a comedy before And I never acted in english before He says in all my long years in show business I have found that if you're a good actor You just might not be good at comedy However if you're good at comedy You're almost always good as an actor I'd never done straight acting or comedy in english But getting asked to come up to new york to work in a show Was a huge feather in any latin's hat It was an honor because so few latins ever make the transition From being a legitimate actor in latin america To working up in the first world in english In fact he said you can name the people who've done it on one hand

[15:46] So though I was very scared I would've been nuts to turn it down Now even though my english was about at 80% One of my biggest problems with comedy in the US Was that I did not understand some of the jokes in the play Particularly the ones that depended on a funny play on words Naturally as we were rehearsing I'd go up to the producer and say You have to help me out here I know I get a big laugh with certain lines But I don't know why I'm getting them I don't understand the joke And worse yet in my character I had to react Then laugh like hell like I got the joke And many times I didn't know what we were laughing about at all For example one of the biggest jokes in the whole show Revolved around sorority girls at a college And some of them were wearing these particular sorority pins

[16:34] And all the college guys like me in my part Were trying to figure out why some of the girls had pins and others didn't And here's how the joke went One of my college buddies came up to me and said Joselito come here I finally figured out why some of those girls are wearing those sorority pins And some aren't And I say to him Tell me, tell me what's it mean And he says Well can you keep a secret All the girls who wear those sorority pins are virgins Then I said to him Oh come on Whoever told you that is kidding He's pulling your leg Then he says No no He's not kidding It's true, it's true And I say Come on It's hard to believe Then he says Yeah I guess at second thought he was pulling my leg It doesn't make sense There's just too many of them

[17:20] And then we'd both pause and wait for the laugh Wow what a laugh we got And I didn't know why First I thought it might be a religious joke or something I didn't get the connection at all Until someone took me aside and explained it to me Me with my 80% English So it boils down to this All my friends in the theater and television Back home in Latin America Before the advent of cable TV coming in from the states All two or three hundred channels of it Before then maybe five or so years ago Our only exposure to what we thought was American humor Was based on observing a few American tourists Or badly translated American movies Me and my Latin friends would think What a bunch of silly fools those Americans laughing at that stuff

[18:07] Why are they laughing? Now before I came to the states Once in a while we'd go to dinner with a few Americans And when they'd get together and tell jokes And one of us would say Can you translate that please into Spanish? And they would and we still wouldn't get it Particularly what I know now as sophisticated jokes With many plays on words And what gringos call puns we just never get them No matter how well they're translated Though much later After being in your country for a while And hanging around with mostly gringos And after playing in more American English plays I learned a few things about American humor That my Latin buddies back home will never understand After a while I began to really admire American humor I realized soon enough They've really developed their sense of humor in comedy to an art form

[18:55] And when I finally learned to appreciate the American sense of humor And understand it Not only did I not think anymore That they were silly asses making fools of themselves But I began to realize they have a hell of a lot better sense of timing And humor than we Latins have Americans are creative in ways that we just aren't They mix sophistication with self depreciation They mix in the ever present battle of the sexes And make it topical too In ways of course that would never translate into Spanish And you're right Once Latins understand the American sense of humor And they get it Hearing Latin humor just doesn't cut it anymore Unless you hear it from a first or second generation Latin stand up comic in the US Now those guys can mix up both cultures

[19:42] And really have it down But strangely enough They can't bring that humor down to Latin America And make a hit out of it It only works up in the first world However not to say that I'm any particular expert on humor I'm certainly not Because I know for a fact it would take me a hundred years To understand that British sense of humor You think the American sense of humor is tough for us to grasp? Try the British Anyway Johnny keep up the good work And as for you I have one suggestion Why don't you make your show an hour long? Well it's me again How do you like that? And he's so right about that British sense of humor You know I lived in England three years And I really think that it was Benny Hill and Monty Python That really brought the essence of the British sense of humor to the United States

[20:28] Benny Hill being the slapstick lowbrow and Monty Python Bringing a terribly funny and often weird and twisted way of Brits Laughing at their own weirdness and class structure But still I'd say at least 80% of Americans don't get British humor In fact I know very few Americans that actually appreciate British cinema Well I think you have to actually live in the United Kingdom for a year or so Before you really start catching on to their humor I guess that's a lot like the predicament Latins have with American humor Alright alright let's stop beating on that horse Now I'm sure you all know Latin America is known for its great coffee In fact I routinely sample and buy some of the top 10 coffees in the world And no I'm not talking about small time local contests either

[21:14] I'm talking about world class competitions Where companies like Starbucks come in and buy whole batches at auction But for us small time individual users We're much better off going directly to the plantation and buying it Than to buy it at the store where you'd pay 2, 3 or 4 times as much Because you know overruns of the high quality stuff does occasionally show up on the local store shelves Now let me point out here that normally when a coffee plantation here in Latin America Starts producing extremely high quality coffee that ranks world wide Right after the competition word gets out and the whole lot gets sold Then they get locked in a contract year over year for their entire top end crap And note that all coffee plantations produce various grades of coffee That's just the way it is, they sort it, batch it and rank it

[22:02] Now one such plantation I know of, a medium sized plantation Sells about 90% of its award winning top quality batch to Japan And the Japanese turn around and sell it for $50 a cup Yep I said $50 a cup not a pound Now sometimes that very coffee is available at the plantation for around 8 or 10 bucks a pound Yep I said a pound Because like I said there's always a little left over for the locals Anyway I used to buy that stuff myself when it was available And you know that particular farm or think of produces maybe A thousand hundred pound sacks a year of that very special coffee now Of course they have probably 4 or 5 other grades Down to a grade that's so cheap and crappy they don't even export it

[22:48] Now here in Latin America a 100 pound sack is called a Quintal So they sell coffee by the Quintal And a farm that produces a thousand Quintals a year of very good coffee is a pretty big operation Because they're really producing 20 or even 50 times that When you include the lesser grades of coffee that have been separated out Now do note that there are thousands and thousands of coffee plantations in Latin America Almost all of them, tiny little family operations That produce maybe only 50 to maybe 500 Quintales a year, total And in fact what I've discovered is some of these small farms where Dad and maybe two kids are working the whole thing They're basically what you'd call boutique coffees and produced with very tender loving care

[23:33] Some of them as good or better than the ones that win first place in the international competition And now admitting that coffee is one of my vices I mean come on if you live across the street from the Louvre You might as well go in and see the Mona Lisa sometime, right? Anyway I'm just notifying you now that I have found two such small operations I mean they're really small And the coffee there is so good it would win international competitions for sure But they just produce so little of it that they could never sell it in an auction There's no quantity These two mom and pop coffee plant operations are so small If they haven't got any product available in the little showcase at the little corner store nearby You'll have to wait for the next day for the owner to take another 3 to 5 pounds out of his roaster

[24:20] In fact just recently I paid a visit to one of those places and they were out And the owner whose wife runs that tiny variety store with the coffee display He took me for a walk 6 blocks away to his little plantation He says well look I've got some roasting right now And it'll be done in about a half hour to 45 minutes and I'll bag some up for you And man this guy's operation was like out of the 19th century He's got a little hut and in it there's a mechanical roasting machine With a handle that you crank that get this only roasts 3 pounds at a time And that's his entire production facility And let me tell you this coffee is so good what you really won't believe is the price Now like I said that very high quality coffee that goes to Japan runs around 8 to 10 bucks a pound when you can get it

[25:09] Direct from the plantation And this stuff I believe is actually better And how much? Slightly under 4 dollars a pound However like I said I gotta go way out in the boonies to get it Then you might ask well why isn't this guy on the internet selling boutique coffee Well because he said he checked it out a little bit and to haul it to the city And to ship in the small quantities that he produces was just not worth it Plus nobody really knows about his coffee and he is not internet savvy Obviously this guy is a farmer A very rustic old school farmer who doesn't even have hot water in his house So anyway what I'm telling you is I know two of such operations now And that's where I get my coffee exclusively So am I mentioning this to make all you coffee loving guys and gals up there in Seattle and Cleveland green with envy?

[26:00] Nope the reason why I am mentioning this is because all of you lucky guys and gals who are coming down here to my expat wisdom seminar Well as you might have figured most of the people that have signed on already Are staying a bit longer or coming early so they can do some side trips Side trips of course that I've been on before and I highly recommend In fact it's my seminar event coordinators job to set that stuff up for you If you want to go on any of these side trips And on one of these excursions will take you right to those two little coffee vendors And you can buy some of that stuff yourself And you know I swear by this stuff If you don't think it's the best coffee you've ever tasted then you should stick to instant And another reason I bring this up because it's a golden expat opportunity for import export

[26:46] Just imagine if you cut a deal with this guy to buy his whole crop And you ship it up to the states you could sell that stuff for 20 or 30 bucks a pound And if you buy his whole crop you'll probably get it for 2 bucks a pound You see what I'm talking about? But you have to be down here with boots on the ground to see such things That said, come on down I've got a few spots left at my expat wisdom seminar in January 2015 So just go to www.expatwisdom.com Click on the seminar link and check it out You interested in the coffee thing? I'll make the introductions Uh oh, wait just a minute Something's happening here My left ear's starting to itch Uh oh, you know what that means You guys in Cleveland better not be talking s*** about me

[27:33] South of the border Down Mexico way You've been listening to The Expat Files Living in Latin America Coming to you twice a week from somewhere south of the border Email me Theexpatfiles at gmail.com And don't forget to check out expatwisdom.com To sign up for your free reports on Latin America See you next time, nos vemos