#397 – The Expat Files: Mormons in Latin America, Dominican Republic Challenges, and Expat Wisdom

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came up to play and now as I wander Hello there all you expat wannabes I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started in Picking up where I left off last time as you've probably noticed occasionally I do speak about Mormons on this show because well, they're everywhere In fact, I have to admit in the last two or three years I've seen many more Mormons around than in the past and those simple but expensive Mormon churches

[00:50] They're popping up everywhere. So what's that all about? Well, most people would never pick up on this but there's a very special reason for that and I'll get to it in a moment Maybe special is the wrong word Let's just say you'll never guess in a million years why so many Mormons are down here these days but first I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that I actually had a Mormon come to one of my expat wisdom seminars believe it or not And this guy is of now I guess must be about 45 years old Anyway, he told me he did a stint as a young guy down here in Latin America so being that he loved it so much in Latin America when he was doing that Mormon thing and Hasn't been back to Latin America for maybe 20 years He just thought it'd be a good idea to visit his old stomping grounds and maybe even live down here

[01:39] And I'll tell you right now. He's a fallen Mormon. How far has he fallen? Well, I don't know But he tells me he's fallen quite a ways, you know Anyway, he came down to one of my expat wisdom Latin American seminars and now get this while down here He had so many ideas that he ended up starting a business within three months And although I kind of lost track of him and he hasn't been in touch for a while I assume he's doing well and I'll tell you he's certainly doing well in the love and romance department because I Understand that within a couple of weeks of coming down to the seminar He already had a permanent girlfriend a girlfriend by the way who speaks no English Which I can tell you by personal experience is the very very best way to learn your Spanish But I digress as usual. Anyway, speaking of my upcoming Latin American expat wisdom seminar

[02:26] Which will be in January 2015 now I know most of you guys and gals listening to this program know you have to leave the United States Especially those of you who listen to Richard Martin show he and I both have a big crossover Listenership that said if you listen to him, you're really tuned in about getting out of Chicago, Cleveland, New York or anywhere up in the states You know, you have to make your move sometime and it better be soon You've got to get off your dead butt sooner or later and I know just thinking about it is kind of stressful So why not come on down here to Central America in January and get on the fast track to becoming an expat down here In Latin America and remember it's not just a boring sit-in-a-hotel room watch a PowerPoint seminar There's at least 50% boots on the ground and I'll introduce you to all the professional contacts you need

[03:18] So you can't help but get off on the right foot and that's where new expats always stumble The hardest part is finding good honest reliable professionals, you know lawyers accountants doctors builders Construction people IT specialists, etc. So when you come down, I'll introduce you to my personal contacts the people I highly recommend just go to expat wisdom calm click on the Latin seminar link for full information and get this if you come as a couple or two people Double occupancy in the hotel rooms. You'll save a thousand dollars. Yep a thousand dollars. So check it out What have you got to lose and even if you don't think you're ever gonna come down here to live in Latin America Think of this everyone and I mean everyone up in the first world needs a plan B

[04:06] It's an even better plan a but it also is a great plan B So once again go to expat wisdom calm click on the Latin seminar link for full information as of now We're a little bit more than three months away from liftoff which gives you plenty of time to make your plight arrangements and such So do check out the link and get in early. Remember to keep this very personalized and one-on-one There'll be no more than 25 people on the trip So I'm asking all you guys and gals up there in Montreal, Seattle, Boston and Cleveland. What's your plan B? Do you even have one you'd better get one and fast? Where were we now? Oh, yeah talking about Mormons. So how many soul-saving Mormons are there in Latin America?

[04:51] Well, the truth is nobody down here really knows they're not congregated in groups, but spread out all over the place Let me put it this way If for example, you're out on the road in your car every day going to work back and forth or whatever Especially if you're in a congested part of a big city It could actually happen that not a day goes by when you don't see a Mormon or two As a matter of fact, you never really see one Mormon or always in twos or threes or fours Now, isn't that strange and if you're paying attention you'll notice there's always one Nordic looking blonde guy Very tall very white often suffering with a terrible sunburn and a trucker's tan after all They are walking around in the sun all day Spreading the word saving people from hellfire and such So like I said, there's always a tall white Nordic looking guy often with a GI Joe buzz cut

[05:41] And more often than not his partner is a dark short black haired latin type decked out in typical Mormon duds, too Those are the kind of travel in Mormon pairs. You'll see all over latin america Matter of fact the other day I was visiting one of my long-term Expat friends who owns one of these maquilas down here in latin america You know one of those big clothing factories and he told me he was watching that show on cable You probably know it big love about that mormon guy and his wives played by bill pakston Yep, it's down here too and dubbed in spanish, by the way And strangely enough instead of calling it gran amor, which would be big love in spanish It's called big love down here, too Even though nobody knows what that means at least 90 of spanish speakers down here now

[06:31] Now get this my gringle friend while he was watching that show He heard bill pakston the principal mormon star of the show mentioned that he and his mormon family were going to take a trip A pilgrimage to guatemala central america to a place called lake atitlan to be precise Then my gringle friend told me the mormon guy bill pakston went on to explain to his wife or all of his wives That there just might be some doubt about where the mormon promised land was supposed to be That their leader smith may have made a mistake with the great salt lake and instead It may be that they're supposed to be in guatemala central america instead at a place called lake atitlan Which fits their long dead leader joseph smith's prophetic description precisely

[07:20] At least that's what some mormon scholars have been hinting at in fact Some of these guys are saying that it was a small geographical error that john smith made 175 years ago when He received the quote word and headed out on that pilgrimage from the east coast in the states To the promised land which turned out to be the great salt lake In fact now with google earth and all our topographic technology lake atitlan in guatemala Looks like a better candidate than the great salt lake But unfortunately joe smith didn't have google earth to guide him So should old joe smith's wagon train have taken a left at the mississippi instead of westward hoe Who knows oh and by the way for all you youngsters out there westward hoe is not a rap song So it turns out in the last few years and not just on that big love hbo show

[08:10] Mormons are curious and they're coming down to central america to check it out If you want more proof, just go on the internet and search book of mormon tours Yes, I said book of mormon tours mormons really have their own internal tour agencies So if you're a mormon a true believer You can get discount package deals weekends whole weeks Even months if you want to hang around discover and explore the alternative promised land site b In fact, I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't checked it out myself So there you have it if you come to central america, especially guatemala The mormons have arrived. In fact, they're here in such a big way. You can't help noticing them everywhere and of course They're spectacular churches

[08:56] And always and I mean always those churches are beautifully manicured sparkling gems in a sea of scruffy grungy latin middle-class neighborhoods And you know I have to mention that mormon churches are so well groomed and so nice That i've heard latin middle-class folks mention ones that aren't mormons That they wouldn't want to knock on the door and go in because well They're just too spotless and grand and they feel self-conscious and a bit uncomfortable walking in In fact one local guy who lives right down the street from a mormon church He told me that it's been there about seven years and never has there been a blade of grass out of place He said he'd never even been inside not that he didn't want to take a peek, but he said who me? No, you kidding i'd have to buy a new pair of shoes just to step foot in the place

[09:45] So that's a middle-class latin neighbors take on it anyway That said don't think it's time for mormons to change their ad agency or marketing strategy Not just yet Even if their neighborhood churches seem a bit too tidy cold and out of place down here in latin america They must be making headway. There seems to be a major effort going on down here That is based on the numbers of mormon pairs. You see clomping around now speaking of the simple life I remember way back when in chicago in catechism class. I think I was in fourth or fifth grade I distinctly remember asking one of the nuns just how poor was jesus? Yep I was always a smart ass even then anyway I did ask that and if I recall I think the nun said he had one good robe for the sabbath

[10:34] Two pairs of sandals and a change of underwear Though I think she might have made that story up as she went along because I'd only call hearing about that in the bible But I could be wrong and you know one day remembering that I asked a mormon guy I ran into I think it was in San Pedro Sula Honduras I asked him about their distinctive getups And he said too that all mormons in the field are equipped with a complete change of clothes Two pairs of shoes and two suspenders and one backpack Regulation mormon issue, of course, but here's what you didn't know and man this shocked me One mormon guy told me that when young mormons go through this thing called the endowment ceremony Whatever that is they actually get a set of holy underwear Of course, we only see the usual uniform because that underwear I suppose is underneath all that

[11:22] So again at a certain point in a mormon's life. He's issued holy underwear. Holy long johns That's what they look like check it out on the internet. They've got pictures I'm not kidding Then I thought I have a couple of sets of those myself Doesn't every guy just had to throw that in there, you know But seriously, they're issued holy underwear And he said that they believe that this garment will protect them from fire bullets knives and other assaults I'm not making this up. Look it up. It's true And although the mormon guy I spoke to didn't show me his and believe me I had no desire to take a peek And after hearing that story about being protected and all that I asked him if feed ever been mugged I got the usual answer Mugged you mean assaulted of course not so is it due to that holy underwear?

[12:12] Well, they think so and when I asked him how successful the mormons were in recruiting down here in latin america He smiled and said they've had great success But deep down I knew they never really make serious headway in latin america Not as long as their church continues to put the kibosh on dancing I mean in latin america that'd be like outlawing tequila or Soccer or heaven forbid that would be like telling a latin guy. He can't womanize or cheat on his taxes You see latins are born to dance and to tell them they can't well, that's un-american on latin american That is so all you mormon elders out there take heed All right. That's said about that Now if you remember I did a couple of shows from the dominican republic about a month or so ago

[12:59] And of course as you might expect we have some listeners in the dr Mostly well-traveled gringos and true expats So naturally after I did those couple of shows I got my usual share of emails this time quite a few of them coming from the dr And I think you're gonna like this little set of emails that i've compiled from one of our steady listeners who calls himself catalac So without further ado i'll combine a couple of his emails and i'm sure you're gonna find this pretty interesting Again, i'll be paraphrasing and hitting some of the high points here goes. Hey johnny. I want to thank you for your podcast, man I'm new to progressive radio network and I thought there was no one to brainstorm with on my life in the dominican republic And I really appreciate that there's someone out there to replenish my faith

[13:49] Anyway johnny I caught all your dr shows, but I think you were mostly on the coastal touristy areas You didn't get into doing business in the dr in the principal business cities Anyway, i'm in san diego dr the second largest city with about 600 000 people and recently since last year I've seen a lot of lifestyle enterprise business startups Now I don't know the long-term objectives for some of these businesses because you know There is a lack of adequate stable middle class down here In fact in some of these lifestyle enterprise sort of businesses I'm, not sure if it's the same company or not That's just moving around to other locations or a low-key franchise deal or maybe they're just a bunch of brand new

[14:38] Individual businesses that happen to pop up. Okay. It's me again. I'll pop in here I assume he's talking about lifestyle enterprises Which are basically modern first world style department stores of a sort That are just loaded to the gills with tons of asian and chinese import goods, you know Not expensive stuff, but not exactly cheap not to first world people. Anyway, you know hardware furniture cheap art bedding Knickknacks tools, etc Kind of like a downscale sears store with a lot of off brands mostly chinese stuff Wait a minute sears is filled with all kinds of mediocre chinese products now, isn't it? Oh well So anyway, like Cadillac says those big no-name department store chains that are popping up everywhere in latin america including the dr

[15:29] Which includes a new glut of strip malls and shopping centers, by the way Anyway, these new places loaded with chinese products the same junk that stocks the shelves up in shopping centers in the first world Service the middle and upper middle classes and like he said in the dr You've got the very poor and the very rich and the middle class Well, that's a tough one to put your finger on there ain't much of it Now you might remember a couple of shows ago. I mentioned that Dominicans are always trying to get into Puerto Rico because it's very close by Now, of course only one in 50 can qualify under the terms of getting a visa. So they sneak in illegally By boat, of course And why porta rico because it's a u.s territory

[16:14] Which makes it a closer step on the way to getting to their ultimate destination the u.s Mainland, which is by the way, every middle and lower class latin stream destination Don't you know or I should say at least 98 or 99 percent of them and believe me no matter what you think of that No matter how twisted or even somewhat traitorous that sounds I mean so many millions and millions of latins who will give up anything to end up in the u.s Of course abandoning their beloved home country in the process Remember if it wasn't for the fact that they'd love to be up in the states that latins emulate and copy everything gringo We expats wouldn't have that terrific gringo advantage going for us when we move down here Anyway, Cadillac our dr expat goes on to write another thing johnny

[17:03] Is that porta rico is only 30 miles from the dr? Not a hundred miles like you mentioned So if you can make it through the mona passage in a yola, which is a cheap rickety rowboat without drowning Then you just might make it to Mayegas or san herman on the western coast of porta rico and yes johnny by the way Dominican people are black some very black and like you say they will bend over backwards not to be considered So now that seems weird to me and it does to so many expats here But my take on it is that it's their useless cultural folklores and whatnot That gives dominicans these inconsistencies Okay, it's me johnny again. I'd like to add something here

[17:51] The fact is very very few dominicans admit they have black ancestry Instead they claim latin blood and though only five to ten percent of dominicans admit their african ancestry Even on official forms the real number is 90 or more In fact about a month ago when I was in the dr I actually watched a tv news documentary report on that very topic They had psychologists and sociologists and political people talking about how badly screwed up their national registry of persons is A country's national registry is where people and birth certificates are recorded and where they issue people official documents

[18:37] Like birth certificates and passports and settlers, etc, etc The fact is so many dominicans lie about their ancestry that certain government registries are a disaster In fact, one of the sociologists on that tv program said dominicans live in a culture of lies Well, that's good to know, huh? But let's get back to our email Cadillac goes on to say Damn it johnny. I'm so tired of those nut job mormons here in the dr Now I heard your show about the pharmacists seeing all those mormons in guatemala Well, I see them all over the place in the dr too The real issue as to why mormons can easily attract local people to their cause

[19:22] Is that mormon churches are really state of the art while the protestant slash Evangelical churches are usually remarkably ramshackle buildings just kind of pieced together Of course, the catholic church has the most buildings of all but then They've operated as a monopoly for about 400 years down here I feel if the locals just would burn all these buildings down and drove all the frauds into the countryside like whole pot They wouldn't be half as poor or destitute in the first place Then he says, you know You had a good show about things you could do to help latins develop first world attitudes and first world success patterns The way I see it those ngo's and big time charities that just say give us your money Don't worry what we do with it. We'll help the poor and you'll never have to get your hands dirty donate and leave it to us

[20:14] Now I know that kind of talk makes a lot of first world people feel good But it falls on deaf ears with me, you know, johnny You should also give out more ideas to us expats and gringos us Smarter ones that don't give out money to phony ass charities whose organizers drive around in brand new land cruisers You might not believe it, but I see a lot of that down here in the dr. Two We need some more ideas on how we can help out the people locally in our neighborhoods where we are Then he changes gears a bit and says now being that i'm a single guy I'd just like to give you a few notes on the mating and dating situation in the dr Columbia and venezuela places that i've been from my experience There seems to be more women to men in these countries a good thing, right?

[21:01] Anyway, as far as most gringos who are single that come down to latin america from my experience it seems that many of them have some early pitfalls and false starts because They don't know how to manage a relationship or talk to these women But that's just my own take on it I find myself in this situation quite a bit when i'm talking to women eligible single women with very limited Exposure not only to the world but to their own country. They have limited education and limited experiences So people like us first world gringos. I find tend to get bored with their company Eventually that happens if you're spending a great deal of social time with them. In other words

[21:47] What i'm saying is a bright intelligent knowledgeable gringo can get pretty bored with some of these women So as an antidote, I find it's best not to spread yourself thin Socially get around meet a lot of people And if you're single go out on a lot of different dates To a lot of different places with a lot of different people which directly leads me to another thing for me It's the difficulty in finding suitable people to associate with I consider myself open-minded and open to people unless the relationship veers off in a bad direction Then he goes on to say so I don't strictly or harshly judge people Until the necessity arises and I absolutely have to that said let me cut to the chase Here it is

[22:32] It's true. There are so many self-righteous bums with a huge sense of entitlement You see that all the time down here in the dr. I've met a ton of them These are people with no kuth who solely see you as a cajero automatico. That's a human atm I've met people that'll tell you any lie under the sun to get you in their confidence Because after all you're the first world person with money and you can do a lot for them That's the way they look at it They absolutely want to hitch their wagon to a first world gringo now based on your reports, johnny I can only assume it's the same everywhere all throughout latin america But I didn't experience this much in mexico or brazil But in the dr. Well, for example, I heard just in the past two weeks down here

[23:21] The same story from three different women about how their kids didn't have anything to eat Now this may be true, but this really isn't my responsibility And of course it gets much worse during christmas and the holidays apparently everyone gets appendicitis Three days before christmas and guess who they tell the story to that said understandably I occasionally get a bit depressed from time to time down here. That is until I heard you utter the phrase Quote the gringo advantage unquote Now as a selective as I try to be with making friends down here in the dr With the locals that is it still doesn't matter because the expectation is that you are either Daddy warbucks with the dough or everyone's sugar daddy

[24:10] That can be a lot of stress, you know That said I think i'm about half of the age of most of the people that take your expat seminars Which also gives me a totally different perspective because i'm not an old fogey with limited use of the language Living in an isolated expat community Like I said, I live in san diego a big city with over a half million people But I do favor the english language tv programs Just so I can get my daily fix of normalcy and humor And one last thing. I know you speak on your show occasionally about personal hygiene in latin america Now as far as the dr. I don't think it's much of an issue In fact dominicans as a rule are quite vain in their zealous attention to their appearance

[24:58] Which is quite odd to me really because like you say When the average adult only has an income of about 250 to 300 a month How is it that the vast majority seemed to waste it all before the next paycheck? At the beauty parlor and shopping center, etc buying handbags jewelry shoes And of course alcohol In the dr everyone has to look good even if they're sitting around with nothing to do all day Well, anyway, that's enough for now. Keep up the great work Cadillac Okay. Now let's talk about a few of his points As you know, I always recommend stay off the gringo and first world tourist trail And though the dominican republic has a lot of towns and villages that seem to be well off the tourist trail

[25:46] The problem is there are so many tourists flooding into the country That when locals do see and come in contact with the odd gringo, it's not such a strange and pleasant surprise It's not nearly the same effect. We have on locals off the gringo tourist trail in honduras, costa rica Nicaragua bolivia, etc So in those sun and fun caribbean places like the dr All locals have seen us around in one place or another And of course when you're on an island like that you can never be truly isolated So in many cases and many places that gringo advantage is either gone or much diminished And then like panama and costa rica, we truly are dollar signs in the eyes of the locals

[26:32] That's why almost every single email i've gotten from expats in the dr They tell me the people are jaded Just like they are in mexico and costa rica and panaman on the gringo tourist trail elsewhere so Just like i've said in many of my past shows the dominican republic is a great place to go for a couple of weeks Vacation, but I wouldn't want to live there Even if I had unlimited dough there are a thousand places in latin america more desirable than the dr as far as i'm concerned Now for those of you who might say well the dr has some of the most beautiful beaches in the world Well, i've been there and i've been to the so-called most beautiful beaches in the dr and they are beautiful When you look at them from a boat or a beach chair

[27:18] But unfortunately i've snorkeled many of those beaches and on the bottom close to shore or otherwise Every 10 or 20 feet you'll see a piece of plastic or other such man-made garbage that you just don't see in roatan or belize You've been listening to the expat files living in latin america coming to you twice a week from somewhere south of the border Email me the expat files at gmail.com And don't forget to check out expatwisdom.com to sign up for your free reports on latin america See you next time. Nos vemos