#375 – The Expat Files: Challenges, Insights, and Life in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:14] Hello there all you expat wannabes, I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to The Expat Files, living in Latin America. The show that tells you just what it's like to live, work, play and or retire down here in Latin America. It's a mix of the good, the bad, the ugly and the great and it's all right here so let's get started. Alright, today I'm recording this. On the day after my official expat wisdom, Latin American off the gringo tourist trail seminar has officially ended. Just to give you a little update on that, there was a really great group again this time and because of some unforeseen circumstances, it was smaller than usual. At the end, I had six last minute cancellations. One couple canceled due to a family emergency which is understandable, that stuff does happen. But get this, a family of four, husband, wife and two sons at the last minute had to cancel

[01:06] because one of their sons, a minor, had his passport application rejected at the very last minute because he had a misdemeanor that somehow held up the whole process or so I'm told and the whole family therefore got stuck dealing with the passport agency bureaucracy and are still doing so apparently. Now the kicker here is that technically, a minor can be refused a passport if he's got a felony charge but no American minor or not can be refused a passport simply because he was charged with a misdemeanor along the way. Which can only mean that up north, government folks up there are selectively enforcing rules and making up new ones as they go along. But you knew that already, right? So let that be a lesson to all you guys and gals up there who are planning on coming down.

[01:55] To tell you the truth, I don't know anyone could sit back up there in a lazy boy chair and think everything is gonna be just fine. I know it's a sad thing to say but if you're not afraid of your government by now, then I guess you really do belong up there and deserve the tsunami that's coming. Now as for the seminar, the boots on the ground and the connections people made, I have to admit it really was a roaring success but how do you know I'm not feeding you a line on that and blowing my own horn? Well you see it's not me that's making that claim because on the last dinner of the last night of the seminar which I call the Last Supper, while we're all sitting around in the restaurant having a lot of laughs and we did have a lot of laughs, at one point I stopped the show and asked everyone to give me their honest opinion of the seminar,

[02:43] the good, the bad and the ugly and I stress, tell me the negatives please. So I put everyone on the spot and they have to say something. Instead of me babbling away, for once, they get the floor. And you know like those Academy Awards speeches, sometimes it's only three or four concise sentences and sometimes it comes out like war and peace. So even though I said, come on folks, give me the negatives, there were none. So unless these folks were just holding out and didn't want to diss me to my face and I'll hear about it in an email sometime later, based on what every last one of them said it was a roaring success. But you know in the end it's not about me and the presentation, it's about getting a whole bunch of intelligent like-minded people together where we can actually talk

[03:30] about and discuss things we talk about on the radio and between ourselves, without people rolling their eyes and thinking you're nuts, like they'll do up in Cleveland when you try to bring up certain subjects. I'm sure you all know that drill. How many times have you had to keep your mouth shut or bite your lip in mixed company? That said, down here at the seminar, the free flow of ideas, along with the newfound friendship and camaraderie within the group, made for a really terrific experience for all of us. Anyway, here's something funny that always happens at these seminars and I get a lot of emails to that effect too. Inevitably about a quarter to a third of seminar attendees will pull me aside and say, Johnny, how do you prepare for and do your radio shows and podcasts? Because you don't seem to pause or stutter or repeat yourself, even hesitate much or

[04:20] string together a bunch of filler words like dude, man, cool or awesome. Even in emails, people are always asking me how I get my show off the ground and how do I prepare to do one? Do I sit down with a bunch of notes and start writing out a script and then read it? Well, I'll tell you right now, since so many people have asked, this is how I do it. To make myself sound smarter, more interesting and wittier than I really am, I actually do two run-throughs of the show. First off, I've got a pile of news clippings, articles, scribbled unintelligible notes on napkins, dog-eared post-its and even little bits of toilet paper, because of course you know by now, you should always carry a little emergency wad of that stuff. It's fragile, but you can write on it, but forget about using a pencil.

[05:08] Anyway, I have topics and little scribblings everywhere, in my car and in my coat pockets and on little notepads. And most of that stuff I admit I never get to. And worse yet, if it goes in a pile and I don't get to it for a while, many times I can't read my own writing. Oh well. But luckily I've got 10 times as much material than I need to get into a half hour show. Not to mention, I've got a lot of emails coming in too and I do read them all, though I only occasionally read an email on the air. So bottom line, I'm always scribbling things down. And in my car, I have a little notepad too. Nothing is in complete sense, as that would be way too much work. I just have scribbled topics that I think I want to hit on. Then you see, for each show I'm supposed to submit 28 minutes of material.

[05:55] So what I do is, I start gabbing and blabbing along till I reach about the 20 minute point. Then I take about a 15 minute coffee, tequila, or bud break. I bet you're wondering what kind of bud, huh? And I go back and start listening to that 20 minutes and I punch and edit as needed. Meanwhile the segment grows, till I'm about 30 seconds from that 28 minute finishing point. Then I try to wrap it up and I've usually got 5 or 6 minutes left over and I start off with that, the overrun time, on the next show. So for example in this show, I have about a 5 to 6 minute chunk left over from the last show, that gives me a little bit of a running start so I don't have to begin a new show from ground zero.

[06:42] Because you see, the toughest part of any job like this is to actually get started. And you know the truth is, everyone who does a job on their own with no help from anyone else, they know all about that. In fact over the years I've known a lot of artists, you know, painters, sculptors, real artists, you know? I certainly don't qualify. But you know, strangely enough they have the same problem, just getting started on a virgin canvas. In fact, one artist I knew in Chicago who was really pretty famous in his own right, I think was getting like 3 to 5 thousand dollars a painting, so he actually made a nice living at it. He had a poster on his wall in the studio that used to make me laugh every time. It was entitled, The Artist's Dilemma. And the poem that went along with it went something like this.

[07:29] To stretch fresh canvas on a frame, inflicts a peculiar kind of pain. I know, I know it's a little heady, not exactly t-shirt material, but I always got a kick out of it. Anyway, if you've got earbuds on and you're listening closely to this show, you'll hear some little electronic cuts and snips once in a while. Okay, done with that. I promise I'll never mention that again, okay? Let's get started today with a little weird news from the BBC on Venezuela. Here's another one for the books from That People's Paradise. Turns out, and let me try to paraphrase this here. From the BBC it says, we're used to seemingly endless ranges of taxes and surcharges when

[08:15] we fly. Traveling by air that is. Like passenger taxes, departure taxes, transportation taxes, fuel taxes, etc etc. In fact, these days, in some cases, half or more what you pay for a ticket can be taxes assessed by a corrupt government near you. Sorry about the redundancy there. But at the International Airport in Caracas, Venezuela, they've taken airport and passenger taxes to a ridiculous limit. As it turns out, passengers flying out must now pay a $20 air quality tax. So what's that all about? It's a brand new surcharge, levied as of now, meant to cover the cost of a newly installed

[09:01] system which uses ozone to purify the air that continuously flows through the airport's air conditioning systems. So last week, in a press release from the Ministry of Water and Air Transport, the Venezuelan government claims the new system will eliminate bacterial growth and mold to protect the health of travelers, as well as deodorizing and sanitizing the building. Now accordingly, Venezuelans who actually use the airport, which is not many, at first thought it was a joke and were dumbfounded to find out that nope, it's for real. They can't believe it because it just adds insult to injury for anyone who has to travel. Since half of the international airlines that used to land in Venezuela as of two

[09:47] years ago have pulled out their planes, personnel, and equipment due to the fact they've been ripped off again and again in the currency exchange crisis, starting with the fact that the Venezuelan government pays their bills to the airlines in boulevards at the official government rate, which means the airlines lose about 80% of their purchasing power as compared to the boulevard street rate, while at the same time, when the airlines have to pay their bills to the Venezuelan government, they must use the official government exchange rate too so they get burned on both ends. Not to mention when international travelers arrive with their dollars or euros, including airline pilots, crews, and staff, it's illegal for them to spend their dollars and euros

[10:34] in the country. Instead, for living expenses, etc., they must convert their euros and dollars to boulevards first at the much lower bank rate. Anyway, just in the last year, traffic at the international airport is down by 60%. And now another impediment to travel, that $20 air quality tax. So this is what's happening. As one popular Venezuelan media personality said off the record, I don't get it. Can you explain to me that ozone air purification thing at the airport? Let's see now. Number one, the toilets don't have water or toilet paper. The turnstiles and the escalators don't work. There are packs of stray dogs not only outside but inside the airport.

[11:20] But we've got ozone-purified air now, don't we? Not to mention, at last count, there were over 70 broken windows in the air terminal. Gee, you think that has an effect on air quality? Duh. And get this, all that in a country with the biggest oil reserves in the world. So that's what's on track and soon to come to a socialist paradise near you. Like, for example, Cleveland Airport. Now, speaking of Latin America and the so-called socialist paradises that have been popping up around here in the last 50 years. Or could it be socialist paradigm? No, I think it's paradises. Anyway, beginning of course with Cuba and then Venezuela. Now, you see, South America has one of the largest concentrations of socialist states

[12:08] in the world. In fact, they actually call themselves socialist in one way or another in their full country titles and or their constitutions. So you've got Venezuela, Bolivia, Ecuador, and of course Uruguay. If you've ever been there, you'll notice almost everyone seems to be working for the government. I think it's really only about 30% of the population, which is ridiculous enough. But since 30 or 40% of the people work off the books, that means more than half of people who pay taxes in that country work for the government. So you don't have to ask why prices in Uruguay are nearly first world now. So then what about the rest of Latin America? Well, I'm here to tell you, they're all socialist governments, every last one of them. Whether the person or persons in power want to tell you that or not.

[12:55] Because you see, that's how you get elected in a country where 60% of the population on average not only have no skills except basic agricultural skills. The fact is, those are also the folks as a rule who've never made it past the sixth grade. So how do corrupt politicians get that thick mass of uneducated people to vote them in? You think these corrupt politicians do what Obama did? With clever emails, YouTube videos, and nifty links and apps on the smartphone? No, because for one, these folks aren't on the internet, not yet. And they do not have smartphones, obviously. It's always the same. You promise them free things they can use, like sacks of petroleum-based soil depleting fertilizer, always given out about a week to three weeks before the election so they

[13:45] can remember the freebie with the party slogan on the bag. In fact, it would be hard to overestimate the amount of warehouses throughout Latin America filled to the brim with that kind of stuff, just sitting there doing nothing for years until a couple of weeks before a big election. But the real kicker is that the party in power sends out buses to the boonies to collect all the workers, because big elections are free holidays by the way, and they bribe those hay seeds out in the sticks with free box lunches from the likes of Burger King or McDonald's, which by the way is a huge treat for most of those folks who can almost never afford to go there on their own. I've got pictures of that and more. Believe it or not, I've actually got a photo of a couple of guys on a flatbed truck handing

[14:33] out sacks of rice stenciled with the party logo and handing out freebie party t-shirts and hats too, and I don't mean birthday or New Year's party hats either. I mean baseball hats with the political party slogan on them. And those are very popular articles with the poor folks, believe me. And all that going down on the very day of an election, not two blocks from an election polling booth. Now I wonder, who are those folks going to vote for? And to add insult to injury, I've seen sacks of rice with party logos on them, right alongside other logos, the original logo, on those very same sacks of food. I'm talking about logos from the likes of the UN, Care, Catholic, Protestant,

[15:19] and any number of other charities too. You get what's happening there, right? Which is yet another reason why you're nuts if you donate to any of those organized charities. But I digress, anyway. Although I've found that in four Latin countries, Costa Rica, Panama, Chile, and Argentina, politicians lie with their promises of course, but they do have to throw in a hospital or a road once in a while, or the natives get restless. They're slightly richer countries and therefore do have a slightly higher literacy rate, so the lower classes can't be bought off with simply a happy meal. You have to throw them an additional bone or two once in a while. Believe me, the politicians down here have manipulation of the lower classes down to an art. So anyway, to all you expat wannabes and gunabes out there,

[16:06] if you're looking to become expats, to escape the clutches of your own Uncle Sam and his ever accelerating version of socialism, if you're looking to settle in a third world country that's not socialist, not fascist, not statist, not collectivist, you tell me if you can find one and I'll go there too, okay? Now, however, there is such a thing called startup cities, which I'm sure some of you have heard about. That's startup cities. Look it up. I think very soon I'll do a show on that. And as a little teaser, I'll tell you right now the first one's going to be in Honduras, and it'll be as close as that hypothetical John Galtz Gulch. Well, try saying that ten times. Than anything there's ever been. Basically, what a startup city is, is a tiny island of freedom in a cesspool of socialism.

[16:56] But it's a couple of years off and I hope it gets there. Anyway, as for now, we're stuck with socialism everywhere. There's no way to escape that if you come down here to Latin America. But that's not just the case down here, it's worldwide. So do remember this. Governments down here are socialist in name and they give it a lot of lip service. That is, when they're preaching to the poor folks and the hayseeds. But it's not something us gringos and expats really have to concern ourselves with. Why? The governments are lazy, incompetent, understaffed. Corrupt, of course. Backward, unresponsive. And best of all, only flush for a few days a year and then terribly underfunded. It turns out after the first couple of days or weeks in office,

[17:44] the party in power always seems to make sure that the cupboard is bare. Like someone on life support, the patient is alive alright, but brain dead. So how can that be? Well, because the folks at the top skim the greater part of what comes in. And with what's left over, use the government as a full employment service for their friends and cronies and relatives. Or most of it anyway. I've seen it. In fact, the cronyism and nepotism are so rampant and not just tolerated, but generally accepted. That, for example, here's a story. I personally know of a lawyer who helped out a presidential candidate in a Central American country. He just hosted a few meetings at his house and put a few stickers on his car, etc.

[18:30] You know, signs on the lawn and at his office and all that. And when the guy got elected, my friend, this lawyer, was awarded a job in government that paid $30,000 a year, a king's ransom down here, and he only had to show up at his government office four hours a week, which he told me he almost never did anyway. Not to mention, when a road maintenance contract came up, they handed it to him even though he was a lawyer and knew nothing about road maintenance. So what did he do? He created a corporation. With the words maintenance and road construction somewhere in the title. And only then, after he got the contract and the check, did he actually go out and look for employees that could do the job. And since he knew nothing about road maintenance or construction, he scrambled to find anyone he could.

[19:18] And that went on for five years. And of course, when the new president got in, he lost that job and the contract, as is how things always work down here, to the next bunch of crony parasites that got in. And that's the way it works down here in Latin America. There's basically no transparency at all, even though Latin politicians are always devoting a lot of lip service to the subject when they're making speeches for votes and interviewed in the media. And you know expat wannabes and guannabes wanna know if Latin American governments are more or less corrupt than first world ones. And I have to say, third world countries are more corrupt. But because they're so much more incompetent and underfunded, like I said, the fact is a gringo traveler or expat could live down here and almost never have an issue with any of these corrupt governments,

[20:07] except of course when actually having to go through the process of getting a driver's license, a tax number or residency, or getting building or business permits, etc. And in cases like that, it won't take much money at all, but what it will take is a lot of time and standing in a lot of lines with the sweaty masses. But your lawyer will hold your hand through that mess, so you have to have a good one. But aside from that, with the exception of Cuba, Costa Rica, Panama, Argentina, and Chile, there really is no organized big brother at all. So basically there are no heavy-handed agencies to monitor you or push you around. Not that they wouldn't like to have them. But they don't, and it's just not gonna happen.

[20:53] And even in the countries I just mentioned, their security apparatus is like ours was back in the 80s or 90s, if that. Wait a minute, is that apparatus or apparatus? Oh well. But then you say, wait a minute, if you go to any big city in Latin America, you're seeing cameras starting to pop up on street corners, which means at minimum you're being looked at or videoed at busy intersections, right? What's that all about? Well, here's the story on that. Let's take for example a big Central American city. San Pedro Sula. It's got about 800,000 people. By the way, the second biggest city in Honduras. And cameras have been and are still being installed at many of the busiest intersections. Now the last time I checked it out, about three and a half months ago,

[21:39] they had something like 200 cameras installed at street corners throughout the city. And this is a project, of course, contracted out by those cronyist geniuses in the transit department, many or maybe most of whom have no experience whatsoever in transit. Not to mention from what I can tell, they got all that nice equipment and those video stations, etc. Courtesy of those idiot Taiwanese, or was it the South Koreans, I can't remember, who donated all that stuff, which is pretty much the status quo for all wealthy first world countries with guilt complexes who still need sweetheart deals with third world countries. The donation actually being a subtle bribe to third world politicians so that the donor gets preferential treatment over their other first world competitors

[22:27] when mining, agricultural and port concessions come up. The fact is, countries like Taiwan often write big checks to third world social projects and they hand the check directly over to some government official. And that's it with absolutely no oversight. They don't really care where the money goes, and it often goes into the pocket of the president and his cronies. Which is why the former president of Guatemala is in jail right now up in New York serving five, and the former president of El Salvador is up on the same charges, the same rap. Both of them pocketing million dollar checks from the government of Taiwan, who, as it turns out, didn't really care what happened to the money. The presidents cashed and took the checks, but the Taiwanese government never pressed charges.

[23:18] So who nailed these two presidents? Well, they got caught up in the international money laundering net since they shipped that money around the world to different accounts. And that's how it showed up on the radar. And as far as Taiwan, they're doing absolutely nothing about it. Not even asking for the money back. So what's up with that, huh? And now you know why. So because jobs in government are handed out based on who you know and not what you know, out of those 200 or so installed cameras on the street corners of San Pedro Sula, Honduras, it's been estimated that after about a year in service, only about 20% of them are actually working. And when they are working, what are the people monitoring them looking for? Who knows?

[24:04] You tell me. Is it for improving the traffic flow? Monitoring crime? The fact is, no one seems to know. But do know that somewhere around the city, there are little cubicles with people looking at those monitors who almost certainly are not qualified for the job, but got the position in the first place because they knew someone. The fact is, it seems like everyone down here in Latin America wants a government job. Why? Because it pays twice or more than the average similar job in the private sector. And like government jobs up in the States, once you're in, it's almost impossible to get fired. But again, I digress what else is new. Oh, and here's something I should mention. At this most recent expat wisdom seminar, which ended a day or two ago,

[24:49] you know, they all flew into Guatemala International Airport. And funny enough, most of them related to me their experience on landing at that airport and going through customs and the baggage check and all that. And you know, I just kept hearing over and over from these folks how easy and simple and almost lax it was compared to the US. And I knew all that they didn't have to tell me, but it's nice to see that all these folks coming down for the first time to Guatemala, they could see for themselves firsthand that there are places in the world, in the third world mostly, where the authorities don't bug you, don't violate you, or treat you as a suspect or a criminal when you're just minding your own business trying to get somewhere. So do realize that airports, anyway, you have two advantages going for you.

[25:38] You're in a country where the government is lax, underfunded, and basically lazy, combined with the fact that you've got the gringo advantage. Oh, and since I'm on the subject of the Guatemalan International Airport, by all appearances, it's a very first world airport. In fact, the entire thing was renovated and expanded and completed only about a year or so ago. But since, like I said, Latin governments hand out the contracts to their cronies, when you're walking down the beautiful first world causeway to go to your plane, if it happens to be raining out, the janitors will strategically place about 25 plastic dish mop buckets on that beautiful marble floor. Buckets, by the way, that'll be in your path, so you'll have to dodge them.

[26:27] And they're there, of course, to catch the rain that's been dripping since day one through that very modern brand new roof. So is anyone doing anything about it? Is the contractor being sued? Are they calling them out on the carpet? Yeah, well, they are doing something about it. They're putting out buckets. Details, details, huh? And yet another reason why so many of us gringos, even us lazy ass gringos, can really clean up in business down here. Why? Because you and I and every other gringle, no matter what socioeconomic level we grew up in, no matter if we were in Cleveland, Boston, Detroit, or Seattle, we were born and raised in a highly competitive first world business climate. We know about details and we know how to spot things that just aren't right.

[27:15] Oh, and by the way, for you non-believers, or those of you who think I'm exaggerating about that airport, I've got a beautiful photo of people dodging that bucket brigade, so just send me an email and I'll shoot it off to you. Whoa, got to finish off now, so see you next time. You've been listening to The Expat Files, living in Latin America, coming to you twice a week from somewhere south of the border. Email me, theexpatfiles at gmail.com. And don't forget to check out expatwisdom.com to sign up for your free reports on Latin America. See you next time. Nos vemos.