#354 – The Expat Files: Semana Santa, Roadblocks, and the Gringo Advantage

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:14] Hello there all you expat wannabes, I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to The Expat Files, living in Latin America. The show that tells you just what it's like to live, work, play and or retire down here in Latin America. It's a mix of the good, the bad, the ugly and the great and it's all right here so let's get started. Now just to let all you folks know out there, I'm recording this show at the very end of what they call Semana Santa down here in Latin America which is the biggest party period of all in Latin America. Much bigger even than Christmas and of course we're talking about Easter week, Semana Santa. I don't know why they just don't call it Easter week, Semana Santa actually translates into Saints week for what that's worth. Semana meaning week and Santa meaning saint.

[01:00] Anyway it's not really one week either, it's more like two or three weeks of pure partying and vacationing. That's when many many businesses and retail shops close down for a week or even two or three. However you'll notice that the transplanted first world franchises like Sears or Starbucks or Walmart, they do keep normal hours, that you can always count on. Now if you're a Latin government worker then instead of being just a normal lazy ass slug you go into a kind of a death like stupor and everybody's kind of frozen into an endless cycle of uselessness. You know incompetence on steroids, does that make sense? And in those three weeks leading up to Easter nothing and I mean nothing gets done. Don't ever try to get any government paperwork processed then.

[01:47] And that's why I tell anyone coming down from the states who might ask about the state of governments here in Latin America, I say without reservation there is not a chance in hell that any of these Latin countries could become a faint whisper of a big brother state like you're all experiencing up in the states. Down here people in government are just too damn used to being thoroughly lazy and occasionally corrupt. But all you long time listeners out there knew that already right? So anyway in that final week leading up to Easter an amazing thing happens. And it happens in all the big cities in Latin America. Suddenly there's no traffic. Amazingly enough there's only about a tenth of the cars and junks and chicken buses you're

[02:33] used to seeing on the road. Since everyone heads out to the beaches etc. Even the very poor people they take those chicken buses which by the way in many Latin countries are suddenly free but only for that Samana Santa period. It's kind of a yearly subsidized bonus dished out by the government so that poor folks don't have to dig into their pockets to have a good time at the beach. Not to mention it's also an election ploy for the party in power. They advertise it heavily that they're giving that free ride. As though that little gift is coming from their pockets. And I know it's hard to believe but voters down here in Latin America are even more gullible than voters up in the states. Anyway there's a good reason why I'm bringing up this business about there being almost no traffic in the big cities during the Samana Santa period.

[03:20] It's the time when traditionally the transit cops and the regular cops set up multiple roadblocks on the major roads exiting the medium and large cities. And since there are massive numbers of cars and buses etc. heading out to the beaches there's a constant stream of vehicles being pulled over by the cops. And for cops it's the most profitable time of the year to collect bribes and mordidas. If you remember the word mordida the Spanish word for bribe means in English bite or to take a bite. And here's why it's so profitable this time of year for cops. Everyone who's in a car is so intent on having a good time at the beach and most folks have been planning it for weeks or months that they won't sit and argue anything out

[04:05] with the cops. The cops will just say look you got something wrong with your papers or your seatbelts aren't functioning or whatever. Then most folks wanting to get out of there in a hurry will just take the easy way out and offer them 20 bucks or whatever instead of dickering around with them for a couple hours all the while losing their valuable vacation time. And it's not that the cops are inventing violations. Probably 50% of the cars on the road are an obvious violation of something or another. Not to mention like I said in the past show 40% of Latin drivers do not have a current valid license or a license at all. That's why I always say you shouldn't put much trust in the Latin driver in front of you. Not to mention his brake lights probably don't work either. Anyway so beware during this amount of Santa period there will be a lot of those road blocks

[04:53] and you just might get pulled over. And being that you're a gringo and probably don't speak Spanish well at all. If you happen to be on the tourist trail he'll probably screw with you and you'll be paying some kind of more Dita or bribe. Now that's an absolute certainty if you get pulled over in Costa Rica or Panama or Mexico I can tell you that. But chances are if you're off the gringo tourist trail you won't get nicked for a bribe because cops just don't see many gringos and you'll have that gringo advantage going for you in full force. In fact the times that I've been pulled over like that they just barely looked at my driver's license for about two seconds because naturally it wasn't English and they didn't understand it. However they do go over your car registration papers quite closely. They know those documents well because they're in Spanish and issued by their country.

[05:41] So when you're off the gringo tourist trail you've got that gringo advantage going for you and most times the cops will just want to talk to you a bit because they don't see many gringos. In fact generally they'll try out their 10 or 20 words of English and that'll be about it. And don't be surprised if you hear about Uncle Julio or Cousin Juan up in Minneapolis. Just nod and seem interested. That'll work. Then 9 out of 10 times it won't take more than 15 minutes and you'll be out of there. However it's a completely different story if you're one of those small percentage of gringos and it's not too small really. Maybe 10 or 20 percent of gringos who's actually now considered an illegal alien because he or she has overstayed his visa in the Latin country he or she was driving in and got stopped.

[06:28] Now you'd be surprised how often this happens. After all your tourist visa will only last 90 days then you got to pop to an adjacent country and get another stamp or in some cases if you have a friendly lawyer he can get it stamped for you or get you an extension another 30 or 60 days. But most people don't bother because it's generally only a small fine like a dollar a day if you stay over that 90 days. So you pay that when you go across the border next time you leave. However if you get pulled over by the cops at one of those big roadblocks and you're over that 90 days you're an illegal alien technically. And of course you'll get asked to produce your driver's license and the paperwork the registration for the car. But believe it or not they won't ask you to pull out your passport or any other

[07:17] ID. But law abiding cop frightened over bureaucratized gringos that we are. We nearly always pull out our passports but note you do not have to do that. So don't do it. I don't recommend it. It just gives them something else to finger and play with and try to scrutinize even though chances that they don't speak a lick of English. They're usually nice enough so just give them what they ask for no more. Your license and registration. Now over the 20 something years I've been down here I've been pulled over maybe who knows 10 times 20 times. I guess once a year. Anyway never have I been asked to pull out my passport. Driver's license always passport never. But in the early days the first five or 10 years I was down here I did pull out

[08:06] my passport and hand it to him like a good little lemming and they take it and finger through it and check it out whether they could figure out what the English was or not. I don't know but they did study it. The truth is they're fascinated by all the country stamps because obviously they never get to go anywhere. Anyway it took me a while to realize you don't have to give me your passport and you shouldn't. Now if you've overstayed your 90 days or you know your paperwork is not an order for your car you have your doubts. Because let's say you did it like you buy a car in the States you bought directly from the owner who signed the title over to you. Well down here to make it legal there's a bit more to it and you need a lawyer. Anyway I can vouch for the fact that occasionally it can be pretty testy when you get pulled over at one of those cop roadblocks.

[08:54] If for example they're looking for a bribe and your papers are in order they're not going to get one. But if you hand over your passport they can easily see if you've stayed even one day over your 90 day visa period. Then you can be sure they'll nail you for a bribe even though it's completely out of their jurisdiction and they can't do anything about it anyway. But at that point you'll be nervous enough to hand over the green because you know you've been a bad boy. Or girl you're a visitor in their country and you've broken the rules. Now keep this in mind when you get pulled over at one of those cop roadblocks it's always a much easier ordeal when you're off the gringo tourist trail because you do have that gringo advantage and everyone loves a gringo. But still you're going to have a nicer day all around if you just don't get

[09:43] pulled over. And here's a great tip on how to avoid it. I use it all the time. First of all notice that you can see those roadblocks way up ahead on the road because of those obvious orange plastic road cones that you can see from a mile away. And as you get closer you'll see they've got them arranged in such a way to slow you up drastically to lead you down one or two lanes so they can check you out and decide whether they're going to point their finger at you and pull you over or not. So here's a trick I use all the time and it never fails. About two blocks before I get there I hit my emergency flashers and I slow down quite a bit. Then I roll down my passenger window and I roll up next to the first cop and I

[10:29] ask him for directions to someplace or another. You know play the dumb gringo act. You wouldn't believe how it completely throws them off from their regular duty so to speak. All of a sudden they're in the good Samaritan helper mode. They're going to help a gringo out. Then it's likely that one or two more cops will come over and try to help too. I guess it's just a welcome break in their monotonous day. Who knows? So what kind of directions should you ask for? What works best? Try asking them about a tourist attraction or an archaeological site or a pyramid or a lake that's nearby. And by far I've found the thing that works the best for me is to have a map. You have it close by. Maybe it's on the passenger seat. And you wave it as you pull up to the first cop.

[11:16] So instantly he's thinking, time to help a lost gringo. For me so far it's worked every time. Then after a minute or so of directions you just never can understand, then you're on your way. Oh and by the way, ex-pat Eddie does a version of this too. What he does is he slows down and pulls up to the first cop and he asks him where the nearest pharmacy is. And Eddie says it always helps to put a kind of an anguished look on your face when you're asking. He says it works like a charm for him. Or if you're not into playing a little bit with these guys, you could take your chances and follow the other cars and see if anyone gets picked out in the lineup. Hopefully it's not you. There is a good chance you'll never get fingered, but who knows? And by the way, you're much more likely to get pulled over

[12:02] when there's very, very light traffic because you're the obvious loner on the road. If it's a light day, the cops aren't pulling down very many bribes either. So whoever they do nab will probably have to cough up. In that case, you might want to have that map ready. So you might ask, how do you do that if your Spanish really sucks? Well, even the most clueless gringos I know have a few of the basic Spanish words down like por favor, meaning please and donde estar, meaning where is. Donde estar, remember that one? And there's I'm lost, which is estoy perdido, estoy perdido. Now, those are basic words you learn the first two or three days in Spanish class. Anyway, you say to the cop, estoy perdido, which means I'm lost. Donde estar la farmacia, or where is the pharmacy?

[12:50] Followed up by a por favor here and there. And that's usually enough to hook them, so there you have it. Oh, and I almost forgot if you say ayudame, which means help me. That you learn in your Spanish minus one class too. So por favor ayudame means help me please, or I need help. Another great hook when you're talking to a cop. And it works with a good looking guy or gal bank teller or whatever too, so do keep that in mind, you single guys and gals out there. Enough said about that. Okay, now if you remember, last week I was talking about how expat Eddie's girlfriend slash fiance doesn't want him hanging around with me anymore. In fact, it turns out she's cut him off from the few gringle buddies he has.

[13:36] But before I get into the rest of that story, let me remind you that registrations are open for my upcoming Expat Wisdom seminar in Central America, coming up in July 2014. So just go to expatwisdom.com and click on the Latin seminar link on the top of the page and you can get full information there. And do remember I'm limiting attendance to 25 people. So sign up now or regret it later. And if you have any questions, send them to the expatfiles at gmail.com or johnny at expatwisdom.com. All right, back to Expat Eddie now. Like I mentioned on the last show, he reluctantly informed me that his girlfriend, his fiancee has made me persona non grata around their homestead.

[14:22] And Eddie, if he hangs around with me, will end up in the doghouse too. Now, I don't know if I mentioned this before, but the way a Latin person says that you are no longer his or her friend and that you're on the outs with them is by saying me caie mal. Me, meaning me, caie, which means fall, as in falling down and mal, M-A-L, meaning bad. So just recently, Eddie's girlfriend told him, Johnny, me caie mal. So I can't show up at the house or anywhere she is without getting the silent ice cold treatment from her. And later, when I'm gone, she'll give it to Eddie too. And as any gringo guy who's married or dated a Latin woman will tell you, when you do get that cold silent treatment

[15:09] for whatever you've done or haven't done, it's worse than if she'd have hit you over the head with a frying pan. At least that way, you get it over in one swoop and you don't have to suffer for hours and maybe days. It's hard to explain, it's one of those things you have to experience yourself to get the full impact. Now, the latest thing that put me on the outs with her happened about a month ago at Eddie's place in Salvador. Eddie and I were sitting out on the porch taking apart his Cuisinart. Actually, I was taking apart his Cuisinart because his maid had dropped something of unknown origin into the thing. Obviously, something metallic. And now the motor was no longer stable and when you turned it on, it would vibrate all over the place, right off the edge of the table if you let it. Anyway, a brand new black SUV pulls up.

[15:54] It was Eddie's fiance. But she wasn't in the front seat driving, she was in back. And now, just like a queen or a duchess, or God forbid, a Kardashian, guess what? She's got her own personal driver. On call, 24-7, hmm. So, here's a lady when Eddie first met her used to ride the bus occasionally when necessary. Sure, she did and does a lot of modeling but she never made over a thousand bucks a month. And now she's got a car that's worth 20 years of the average Latin guy's salary. According to Eddie, she doesn't wanna drive anymore. Oh, and just one other little thing. I might have mentioned on the last show that now she wants Eddie to buy her a house. No, not a house for the both of them.

[16:41] But a house somewhere in her name in case something happens to her and Eddie. Now, this might sound pretty screwy to all you guys and gals up in Cleveland and Boston. But I assure you, this kind of thing happens all the time. The fact is, so many middle class salt of the earth gringos come down here. And after a couple of years, become pretty successful businessmen like Eddie. Or they're just guys and gals from up in the States whose business may have failed up there along with a marriage or two. And then they came down to retire on what little they had or a pension or whatever and got bored. Then, after looking around, tried their hand at a completely different kind of business just to keep busy and stay out of trouble. And I tell you, I know dozens of gringos who've made a big success the second time around like that.

[17:27] Almost without even trying. But the danger there is, because things are so cheap down here, like for example, labor, suddenly you've got the money to afford things only a rich guy up in the States could. And I don't mean a full-time cleaning lady because almost every gringle can afford one of those if he wants. I'm talking about things like beach houses and staffs for those beach houses and bodyguards and drivers, et cetera. Think of it, if you're down here bringing home 50 or $60,000 a year, you could afford a full-time cleaning lady, a full-time maintenance guy, a full-time bodyguard, and a full-time driver. And all of that probably won't set you back 15 or 16 grand a year. Now, in the States, if you had a pension bringing in 50 or 60 grand a year,

[18:12] I don't have to remind you how little that buys you these days. Let's just say that one full-time cleaning lady up there would pretty much whittle that down to nothing. And of course, she'll need her days off and she won't do windows and toilets. So anyway, let's just say that Eddie has created a monster. Quite a few of my other gringle buddies and acquaintances have too. And you know, it's not like it happens overnight. It slowly creeps up on guys like Eddie who just can't say no because, well, they've got the money. And in most cases, it really doesn't put much of a dent in your finances. Well, I'd take that back. Maybe it will if you buy luxury SUVs and beach houses, et cetera. Now, my best advice is to always live like an upscale first world gringo, but do not get sucked into that helicopter

[18:59] upper middle class and idle rich Latin lifestyle, which unfortunately are the kind of people you'll run into all the time. Being gringos, it's hard for us to avoid them because they wanna hang with us and be our friends. Because you know, you're gonna be rubbing elbows with them all the time. You'll be living in the same residential towers and subdivisions as they live in. And you'll be shopping at the same shopping centers, et cetera. And if you have kids, they'll be going to the same upscale private schools. So there's always a danger you'll get sucked into that crowd. And even if you aren't, your Latin husband, wife, girlfriend or boyfriend will be affected by that to some degree or another, especially if he or she comes from the middle or lower middle classes, which realistically is about 90% of the time.

[19:48] Now, as me and so many other expats see it, the real danger is if your kids go to those rich helicopter schools. And those are the schools you wanna send your kids to, so you will. Why? Because the teaching staff is loaded with first world gringo teachers. And the facilities for the kids are second to none. Now remember, down here, these schools are like the schools you could never afford to send your kids to up in the States. I'm talking K through 12 now, where the equivalent would be about 20 to 40 or $50,000 a year up in the States. Even when I was back up in Chicago, I didn't know anyone who had that kind of dough. Not to drop on tuition at a private prep school for their high school or grade school kids anyway. Though I admit, I'm not tuned in to the ways

[20:36] of the parents up in the first world anymore. I've been gone over 20 years and who knows the amount of dough parents are willing to blow and go into debt for just so their kids can keep up with the Joneses. So if you have kids down here, the highest level helicopter school like that will cost you, at most, five grand a year. And by the way, for those of you new to this program, gringos down here in Latin America call those places helicopter schools because they actually do have an operational helipad on the premises. Not to mention the parking lot's just filled with bloated, pretentious bodyguards with earbuds who hang around their bulletproof SUVs all day waiting for their spoiled, precious little charges to come out at three o'clock to drive them back to the cavernous homestead.

[21:22] So pay attention, gringos and gringas. If you have kids, that's the way they're probably gonna grow up. So no matter what kind of values you try to instill into your kids at home, no matter how level-headed and even keeled you are, those are the kind of smarmy, pretentious, entitled kids that your own sons and daughters are gonna hang with because, well, you hang with the kids you go to school with, right? And yes, for your information, some of the parents do have helicopters and some special kids are deposited on the premises from said helicopters every morning. I tell ya, you have to see it to believe it. In fact, only about a month and a half ago I was sitting on the veranda of one of my wealthy gringle friends who's been down here some 25 years or so.

[22:09] And as we were sitting, having a nice cup of coffee and looking at the hummingbirds in the mountains, suddenly two helicopters zipped by and went over the mountain and he nonchalantly blurted out the names of two kids that were in those helicopters ready to be deposited at one of those high-end schools. Now, to this gringle friend of mine who has a kid or two himself in school, that little helicopter event was barely worth mentioning. To him, it was as common as the mailman dropping by every day. You know what they say, you can get used to anything, right? Now, imagine the same thing happening in your neighborhood up in Cleveland. When do you think that might happen? How about when pigs fly out of Obama's ass? Actually, I shouldn't say that because, you know, anything's possible.

[22:54] Anyway, the point is, hanging and mingling with parents of kids like that is really a mind-numbing experience. I mean, they're just trying to keep up with the Joneses in their own way too. Or the Martinezes or the Castillos, whatever. You learn that in a hurry. And believe me, keeping up with those Joneses costs real dough. I've been to way too many of those kind of parties and I know firsthand. Though, I'm not saying that there aren't some gringos who really like that kind of stuff. They feed off of it, at least for a while. And you know, if they heard me now, they'd call me a spoiled sport or a party pooper or just a plain old cynic, whatever. And yeah, I'll admit it starts out fun but it gets old fast. And the real danger is not that you'll end up with a bunch of plastic, silly, classist friends

[23:40] who know practically nothing about how the world around them really works. Though, when you're with that crowd, for sure, you will feel like the sharpest knife in the drawer, but one-sided intelligent conversations do get old pretty fast. That said, the real danger is, the longer you hang around with people like that, the quicker you'll permanently lose that coveted low profile that we always talk about here on the expat files. Remember, it's that low profile that keeps us gringos safe and under the radar. It's what allows us to move around freely at will in great and junky neighborhoods. Not only that, a low profile lets us mingle easily and freely with all classes of people too. It allows us to say and do and be whatever we like

[24:26] without anyone or anything bothering us whatsoever. And once you sink that ship, it'll never come up. So, if you want a high profile, you can certainly have it down here, but you'll be a marked man or woman. You'll be a target. And with the kind of complications a high profile will cause, the only way to get back on track and regain some of your anonymity is to move to another Latin country, which might sound drastic, but believe me, even if you decide to pick up stakes and move to a distant city in the country you're in, soon enough, word will get around that you or that guy or gal who had the personal drivers and the bodyguards and the SUVs and the factory or the business and maybe a helicopter, whatever. The fact is, within any Latin country,

[25:14] there's a hell of a grapevine. But right over the border where they speak the same language and have the same customs, it truly is a completely different country and atmosphere. Sure, each Latin country has its own gossip mill and grapevine too. Nevertheless, they're generally quite internal and don't extend beyond the country's borders. And that's even true with very small countries like Belize or El Salvador. So anyway, what about Expat Eddie? He realizes now that he's slowly losing his low profile and he's starting to worry about it. Not because of anything he's done or the way he lives his life, but because of his fiancee who wants to live like that plastic helicopter crowd. Now, you have to remember, Eddie owns a lot of restaurants and properties and parking lots and things like that.

[26:01] And everything he owns, he owns in anonymous corporations. His name never appears on anything, which is the kind of stuff you'll learn about if you come down to my Expat Wisdom Seminar. Now, for obvious reasons, there are a lot of things I can't talk about on the radio. You'll have to come down to the seminar to hear that. So anyway, it all started out late last year when Eddie bought her that stupid SUV, which then and now Eddie realizes was a stupid, even dangerous thing for him to do. But she pestered him and pestered him and Eddie's a soft touch, so he gave in. The way he tells it, as they'd be driving around town, every time a certain expensive big old SUV drove by, she'd say, Eddie, that's the one I want. And soon enough, after enough pestering,

[26:46] he broke down and bought it for her. So now she's a target, meaning of course Eddie's a target too. So anyway, she got this big boxy expensive SUV and she could barely maneuver the thing. She had a hell of a time getting in and out of parking ramps and spaces because they're just built for smaller cars. And parallel parking, forget about it, she admitted to Eddie she never once was able to do it. But she did love that car and got a lot of attention in it. So next step, talking Eddie into getting her a driver. So she pestered him about that a bit and eventually she got that too. You see how crap like that just tends to complicate your life and we'll get to the end of that story next time, so stay tuned.

[27:33] South of the border, down Mexico way. You've been listening to The Expat Files, living in Latin America, coming to you twice a week from somewhere south of the border. Email me, theexpatfiles at gmail.com. And don't forget to check out expatwisdom.com to sign up for your free reports on Latin America. See you next time. Nos vemos.