#348 – The Expat Files: Language, Culture, and Driving in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:14] Hello there all you expat wannabes, I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to The Expat Files, living in Latin America. The show that tells you just what it's like to live, work, play and or retire down here in Latin America. It's a mix of the good, the bad, the ugly and the great and it's all right here so let's get started. Just to remind you, if you're interested in coming to my upcoming July 2014 Expat Wisdom Seminar in Central America again, be sure to mark it off on your calendar and start making your plans. As of today you have a little more than 3 months to get your ducks lined up. That should make it easy. And the dates will be July 12th through July 17th. Just go to expatwisdom.com and on the main page click on the Latin American Seminar. There you'll find a very detailed description of the upcoming seminar and all the payment

[01:03] plans and such. If the link's not up there yet, give me a day or two and it will be. Okay let's get to business now. Let's talk for a second about a confusing word in the Spanish language that needs a bit of explaining. Now remember last week I told you a little story about John McAfee in Belize? Note I just called it a story, right? In Spanish it's called una historia, una of course being the article a, a story, una historia. So we call it a story in English. But the translation in Spanish actually means a history, not a story, a history. And their word historia sounds just like the word history and it's spelled just about the same way too.

[01:49] So Latins are pretty much correct when they call it a history because it is a history. However, when actually talking about history, like for example the history of Columbus coming over and massacring the Indians and making the rest of them slaves, they use the same phrase una historia, a history. So when someone says in English tell me your story, we don't say tell me your history or what's your history, we say what's your story. But Latin people will say tell me your history or cuenta me tu historia. And then they'll also use the same word historia when talking about some recent or ancient history too. So in Spanish una historia can mean one or the other or both, a story or a history. Confused yet?

[02:35] After a while you won't be because basically what they're doing is simplifying things. And note that just a second ago I said in Spanish tell me your story. I said cuenta me tu historia, which means tell me your story. Well that phrase has another kind of confusing Spanish word in it too, the cuenta me part. That's cuenta me. And believe me you'll hear that phrase a lot. It just means tell me or tell me about it. For example suppose your wife or husband or girlfriend or boyfriend comes walking through the door all frazzled and says dios mio, dios mio. Which basically means oh my god or my god. You'll hear that phrase all the time down here too. Anyway when that happens obviously something's going down right and you want to know about

[03:22] it. Then your normal response to something like that would be cuenta me, tell me. And I'm mentioning that word cuenta not only because it's used an awful lot down here, but also because it's got some double meanings. For example when someone says cuenta me, meaning tell me, what it actually means in English is give me an account of it. Because the literal translation of cuenta means an account or an accounting of. As in you might have already guessed the boring subject of accounting. So in Spanish they also use the word cuenta when you're talking about bills and numbers and slips of paper that represent financial transactions or statistics. And that's why when you come down here to a restaurant and you're done eating the

[04:09] waiter will come over and say, la cuenta? In which case he or she is asking you if you want the bill or the account. So if you're finished with your meal and you fly down a waiter all you have to say is la cuenta por favor. And by all means always if you can slip in that word por favor. Meaning please you know that right? Though the precise English translation is not please it's for your favor. Por meaning for and favor actually meaning favor. It's even spelled like the word favor in English. It does show that you're a nice polite gringo and it certainly can't hurt. So por favor is really not one word at all it's two, por favor. But no one says it like that they say por favor. Just like we might say scumbag politicians we don't say scumbag politicians.

[04:59] We kind of slur it together as one word you know. And generally when we do pause between the two words scumbag and politician it's only to insert the f-word as in scumbag and politicians. And note when you're really integrated into Latin society down here the slang for por favor is por favor. Middle class Latins on the street will slur it together and cut it in half they'll just say por favor. Just like we might say morning instead of good morning. So por favor for por favor is very informal and you won't see it written in a newspaper or business document or anything like that. Anyway don't be afraid to use that phrase por favor liberally. Any time you think it might fit in a sentence because you'll hear it all the time from the

[05:45] Latin folks since they're an extra polite society. I'll tell you us first worlders could certainly learn a lot from Latins in that department. And how polite are they? Well I'll tell you this every time you're in an elevator and the door opens and someone walks in that person will say buenos dias or buenos noches or buenos tardes. Whatever time of day fits address to you and all the other passengers in the elevator. And that person will say it with some real feeling. He won't just rattle it off in a monotone. Then when that person leaves you'll get another good day or good afternoon or good evening whatever the case may be. Now I know if I was in an elevator in downtown Chicago you'd be able to hear a pin drop. Up there it seems it's against the law to talk in an elevator except of course if you're getting a cell phone call. Then the whole world can know your stupid business because all bets are off.

[06:33] Always that stupid cell phone takes priority huh? Not that down here cell phones don't take priority too. It's just that people are just much more friendly. So no matter how much it might rub you the wrong way use the word por favor liberally. Do toss those por favors around and sooner or later you'll actually sound sincere about it. In fact expat Eddie tells me I fool them all the time. So the question is do you get any better customer service when you throw those por favors around? Well it can hurt and it just might change the general Latin opinion about gringos and expats that were kind of cold and unemotional about things. Which we are. That is compared to how people act in Latin society. But believe me our manners are impeccable compared to how Latins feel about the Germans.

[07:20] And yes I'll be talking about that in a future show so stay tuned. Anyway to change subjects a bit. You know occasionally I get emails from people plotting me for talking about things no one else ever talks about. And sometimes people send me hate mail about the things I talk about too. You know what they say you get what you pay for. And since my show is in English. When Latin Americans that I meet down here realize that I have a show like this. Often times they'll ask me for the website so they can check it out. And 99% of the time they just say that and never do. Since 99% of Latins don't speak English well enough to follow along. And even if they could they almost never get the first world social references that we talk about. Which like Expat Eddie said is really lucky for me because if Latins knew what I was

[08:07] talking about I'd probably get the dull end of a machete. Especially if someone just picks and chooses my comments out of context. Then it would appear that I'm dumping on Latins or picking on their faults. But honestly if you listen long enough you'll see that I'm an equal opportunity offender. I figure since a long time ago I voted with my feet and came down here to Latin America. I certainly gave the US government and its own brand of smiling scumbag political thieves the finger. A long time ago. And I'll continue to do so privately and publicly. So I really am an equal opportunity offender if you know what I mean. So anyway occasionally I do get emails from people up in the states thanking me for bringing up little things about Latin America that no one seems to be talking about. And here's another. Now I do a lot of driving down here in Latin America.

[08:53] A lot of driving. So I know you really have to keep your eyes open and stay vigilant or you're just going to end up another traffic statistic. As in car crash or vehicle damage. Because down here you're not just looking out for bad drivers and most are bad drivers. That's just the half of it. You have to look out for any number of clueless pedestrians. Not to mention cows, goats, chickens, dogs, potholes, rocks, torrential rains, etc. And terrible road design and disrepair too. And about those Latin drivers. You should never put as much trust and faith in Latin drivers as you do in first world drivers up north. Since, get this, by last estimate, less than 5% of all drivers on the road ever took

[09:39] a driver's ed course. Why? Because it's expensive for them anyway. And what's a driver's ed course cost? A hundred bucks or less for all the lessons and the whole shebang. You also have to remember that three quarters of the cars and trucks down here would never pass a vehicle inspection up in the states. In fact, most don't even have the basic safety gear working. Like headlights, brake lights, and backup lights, etc. Worse yet, I'd say that about every car that's 10 years old or more, which is half the cars down here, has bad brakes and or an emergency brake that doesn't work. Not to mention, brake pads that are down to the bone. And since no one's checking and nobody cares, unlike when you're driving in the first world, you can never assume that the guy in front of you, alongside of you, or behind you is in complete control of his or her car.

[10:26] Now if you think about it, when you're driving up in the first world, you're assuming a hell of a lot about all the other drivers on the road. You assume, first of all, they're in their right minds, and secondly, that their cars are in good working condition, and thirdly, that they're assuming the same about you. Of course, that's all subliminal. We're never thinking it out loud or saying it. But up north, we really assume that everyone else is acting rationally, and that their vehicles are in good condition. And that's why we can just drive along with a minimum of stress, without a thought given to the idea that the guy in front or behind us might do something dangerous or really stupid. And when we're driving up north anyway, we always assume, and this is the important part, that the other guy knows the rules of the road. And you know, in regards to gringos and expats driving down here, that's one of the biggest

[11:16] judgmental errors I see gringos make. They make the same subliminal assumptions and give the same benefit of the doubt to Latin drivers as they do drivers up in the States. And that's not a very prudent thing to do, and soon enough, gringos and expats suffer for those false assumptions. Because the truth is, when you're driving here, and you get into a car accident, and you will, if you drive frequently, it won't take long, believe me. And in my case, just in the last year, I've been in three accidents. Whereas back in Chicago, I drove for 20 years in a huge city like that and only had one accident and it was completely the other guy's fault. No BS either. I assure you that down here, the overwhelming majority of accidents, where one of the drivers is a gringo or an expat. The fault will be with the poor driving skills of the Latin driver, combined with the substandard

[12:07] mechanical condition of his vehicle. That's an absolute guarantee. It will be the other guy, not the gringo, who's at fault. And I know people always jump the gun and say it's the other guy, but it's true. Down here, it is the other guy. At least if you were in Vegas and took that bet, you'd win practically every time. Now like I've said on Pass Show, so about 75% of all Latin American trucks and cars would never pass a first world inspection. I'm talking about a safety inspection now. Meaning, even if the driver is totally in his right mind and knows all the rules of the road, which is a big stretch by the way, and has good reflexes, still, his or her car just might not be able to make those evasive maneuvers necessary to avoid an accident. The fact is, you can only make first world assumptions about car and driver if the car

[12:58] is new or light new. Because in that case, you're generally talking about people who are upper middle class or wealthy and therefore, had the money to take driver's ed. And then you're only talking about maybe 5% of the drivers on the road. And of course, a new or light new car is always in good mechanical condition. Now, if a car like that's in front of you or behind you, then you can kind of assume that person's in better control of his vehicle than the guy with the cowboy hat and the 20-year-old junk Fiat that's blowing smoke alongside you. Like expat etio, he says, you have to be so vigilant when you're driving down here that you can't even drive and have a beer at the same time, although that does seem to be somewhat of a habit down here with the local Latin macho males. And why not? No one ever gets in trouble for it.

[13:44] If you get stopped by the cops or get in an accident, you don't even lose your license for a DUI because there is no point system. But you knew that already, right? Now, like I said, I do a lot of driving down here. So as I listen to my iPod, I also keep my eyes very much open. And sometimes I invent little games. You have to when you're stuck in a two-hour bottleneck while people are piling out of a chicken bus on your left and taking a pee in the road. Or I should say males are taking a pee because women would never do that. Thank God, whatever social class a Latin woman happens to be in, she'll always have good potty manners. But as for her husband and her male children? Well, let's just say you should do your best to avoid a handshake. Meaning stick to the ghetto fist bump if you can.

[14:31] That works. No one seems to be offended by that since it is a gringo thing and they see it a lot in the movies. Now, that's not to say that you won't see women breastfeeding all over the place down here, too. Nothing wrong with that. It's totally natural. But you'll only see that with the poor and the lower middle classes. Since upper middle class and wealthy Latins look down on that sort of thing, they take their cues from the gringas they see on cable TV, who, as you know, wouldn't be caught dead doing that in public. Anyway, when I'm stuck in big city traffic, that's when I get to observe cars and drivers close up and personal. And just lately, you know, I kind of invented a little game that I think could actually turn into a master's thesis along the line. For all you psychology and sociology majors out there looking for a topic, because this one involves not only cars and drivers,

[15:19] but the psychology of self-respect, classism, one-upmanship, money, power and futility. Now, don't laugh when I tell you that all this started out when I just witnessed a car getting rear-ended. And then I started looking around and realizing, you know what? There's a hell of a lot of cars and trucks down here that have been rear-ended and have never bothered to get the dents and scratches fixed. And that's even the case with new and late model cars too. So what I did was I started thinking to myself, what's the percentage of cars and trucks down here that have been rear-ended and just don't bother getting it fixed? Now, that in itself should tell a lot about the mobile society down here. Anyway, I was thinking back to what it was like up in the States driving so many years ago.

[16:06] And I called my brother and I said, do me a favor the next time you're on the road and tell me the approximate percentage of cars you see that have rear end damage and obviously haven't been repaired yet. And a few days later he skyped me and said, you know, about one in 60 cars in the suburbs of Chicago and about one in 25 or 30 trucks have a dent in the rear end that hasn't been fixed. So in that little sample anyway, you're talking about two or three percent of the cars and trucks on the road. In the meantime, I started counting up cars down here that had rear end damage, bumps and scratches that were very noticeable. At first I thought it might be one out of 20 or 25 cars. That would be twice as many as my brother reported from up in the first world. But I was wrong. Down here it turns out in the big city,

[16:53] about one out of four or five cars has very obvious rear end damage. And as for trucks, especially pickup trucks, more than half of them had rear end dents. So anyway, just driving down a regular old expressway, I'm seeing 20 to 25 percent of Latin cars that have unrepaired rear end damage. And as you get down the side streets in the crumbier sections of town, it's more like 50 percent. Which when you think about it, totally verifies my earlier thesis when I said that you should never make the same assumptions about Latin drivers and their cars as you do about first world drivers. The fact is you're driving alongside rookies. And I know this might sound hard to believe, but a good percentage of them don't even have a legitimate driver's license. And of the ones that do,

[17:39] a good percentage of them just went out and bought one and never took a test. And on top of it, I forgot to mention the fact that down here, every Latin person tailgates. You know, and I believe it's part of that diminished personal space thing. So when you think about it, if every Latin driver tailgates and you, the reasonable first world gringo on the road, keep your car at a nice, safe, recommended reasonable distance from the car in front of you, it'll help a bit, but not completely. Because you see, if you happen to hit your brakes a little hard one day for any special reason, like for example, a dog in the road or a kid, or a soccer ball, or someone changes lanes and whips in front of you, there's a good chance you'll get rammed from behind. Why? Because nearly all Latins tailgate. That's why I always have to laugh a bit

[18:26] when gringos tell me, well, you know, I know Latins drive like crap, but I drive safely. I drive like a first world person who knows the rules. And knowing that Latins drive like crap, I'm that much more cautious. Then soon enough, they get into a crack up or two, usually they get rear ended. Then the cautious gringo theory is out the window. Anyway, I'm just warning you, if you drive down here, expect to get rear ended. And don't think you're safe from that if you're in a chicken bus either. Fact is, every single chicken bus I've ever seen has multiple and often very severe rear end bumps and dents. So if you ride those wretched things, you will get rear ended, but at least you won't be driving. So in the end, no matter how great a driver you think you are

[19:11] and how perfect your record is up in Cleveland, one of the facts of life down here is, unless you plan on sitting in your driveway all day, you're going to get rear ended. Oh, and get this, I've been doing that rear end count on Latin cop cars and cruisers. And guess what? 50% fully half of all the cop cars have rear end damage. And since when I'm at a gas station and there's a cop hanging out there asking for money for gasoline or whatever, I do like to talk to those guys. And believe me, you can learn a lot from talking to cops down here, so don't be afraid to do it. Especially when you're off the tourist trail, they just love talking to gringos. As far as I can see, with the beat cops and the local cruiser forces anyway, there isn't a tightly wound closed mouth

[19:57] ramrod FBI type in the bunch. When a gringle walks up and breaks into small talk, they pretty much instantly become your best friend and they really start blabbing. In fact, and this really has to make you laugh, I've met more than a few beat cops, motorcycle cops and cruiser cops down here who've actually spent some time on the streets in the States and thus have some rudimentary broken English, street English. And what do you think that means? Some of you might have figured this out already. Some of these cops were previously illegals up in the States that got caught and deported. But that doesn't stop them from getting a law enforcement job down here. In fact, it's a help. Why? Because then they can put on their resume that they know English or at least some English.

[20:42] Even if they don't know many English words at all, they can spin out just enough stateside big city ghetto street jargon to impress whoever they have to at the police academy interview. Turns out Latin police departments are always looking for bilingual candidates. And believe me, knowing a bit of English is a feather in anyone's cap down here. Even Latins whose English basically sucks, they get pushed up to the top of the heap when job hunting. Which always makes me wonder why there are so many English schools yet the vast majority of people they turn out do not have good command of the English language. In fact, I know quite a few bilingual Latin folks who teach English at school down here. Either at private English academies like Berlitz, etc. And as English teachers

[21:28] at public and private grade schools and high schools. And to me, the irony of it all has always been that most of these Latin folks who are English teachers, ones who majored in English themselves in high school and college, cannot actually write a coherent business letter or email in English. They always end up looking like they were written by a sixth grader. And believe me, these are people who teach English for a living. I've seen it. I've corresponded with some of these people. That's how I know. And yet, they have jobs teaching English. That's why First World Born and Bred Gringos are in such demand down here as English teachers. Because everybody wants to learn American English like it's spoken up in the States. And Latin English teachers

[22:14] who've never lived up there can't get the nuances or the details down. Just like Gringos up in the States who are Spanish majors, they soon realize they're not tuned in to the nuances of the language when they come down here. Now, don't get me wrong. My Spanish is pretty good. But I write a letter in Spanish like a fourth or sixth grader too. I freely admit it and I'm slightly embarrassed about it. So I try not to write too many letters in Spanish. I know I'm nowhere near good enough to be a Spanish teacher. Not even close. But I'll tell you what. I know some Latin folks down here who are English teachers who don't know how bad their English writing skills really are. They're just clueless because they've got no real gringo first world pen pals to correspond with and correct their errors.

[23:00] And of course I'm talking off the gringo tourist trail here because when you're on it like in Costa Rica or Cancun, everybody and his brother wants to speak English to you. And usually it's pretty good English too because there are so many gringos babbling away in English that a local Latin would have to be thick as a brick not to pick up some of it. But I digress as usual. I was talking about Latin cops now, wasn't I? So anyway, a couple of weeks ago I asked a couple of cops I ran into. No, I didn't actually run into them as in a rear end fender bender, which is always a possibility. Anyway, I asked them why half or more of their squad cars had rear end damage. And one guy told me that most of that damage is not from accidents around town, but fender benders in the police parking lot. Because you see, at those police station parking lots,

[23:47] there's never enough room to fit all the cars in. But they certainly try to jam them in and thus all the fender benders. Not to mention the fact that 95% of all cops never drove a car before they got the cruiser. Now, the average cop in Latin America makes about 500 bucks a month, which down here is just slightly below the range of car ownership. It's even hard to buy and maintain a 25-year-old junk on that kind of salary. Wait a minute, did I say maintain? Scratch that. That's not in the Spanish vocabulary. In other words, these guys have got zero practice when they hand over the keys to them. So it's a learn as you go process for the cop that's behind the wheel, which is why even cop cars that are six months old

[24:34] look like they've been through the demolition derby. So with all that happy news about Latin drivers, if you still think you can avoid being rear-ended because you think you've got some kind of magic touch or fast and furious reflexes behind the wheel, all I have to say is when you first get down here, buy an older car and make sure it's pre-dented. Then when you hit the brakes one day and get rear-ended for the first time, you won't feel so bad. Okay, enough said about that, but I'd like to mention just one more thing concerning the locals down here who think they know their English. Like I've mentioned in past shows, if you think you're going to come down here and get a job as an English teacher, well, that's pretty easy, especially when you're off the tourist trail. Since like I said, first world people like you who speak English as a first language are in great demand.

[25:19] But let me tell you, if you want to make some real money teaching English, this is how you do it. Now, this is only going to work when you're off the tourist trail, but that's what I recommend anyway. What you do is you make up some little flyers, about a half a sheet of paper in size. Then you make up some nice little announcements in English and in Spanish, saying something like this. How would you like to learn how to speak English the same way first world gringos and professionals speak it? Then explaining that your specialty is teaching children and adults how to speak American English exactly the way first world gringos speak it with no Spanish accent. Then you say in your announcement, you have a limited amount

[26:04] of openings available in your private tutoring schedule. Now, you post those things on the bulletin boards in grocery stores in the wealthier neighborhoods of the city or town that you live in. You'll know those places by the cars and the shopping centers and the Walmarts and the office depots and the upscale restaurants and all that. And if you're new in town, just go to any real estate office and ask them to point out the high rent districts. And you can put a small version of an ad like that in the big daily newspaper classified too. But your first choice should be the bulletin boards. So how do I know a plan like that's going to work? Well, listen to this. I make a habit of looking at bulletin boards and I just happen to see a little ad not very nicely designed

[26:50] and not so punchy. But nevertheless, it was a gringo offering one-on-one tutoring services way off the gringo tourist trail. It was on the bulletin board in an upscale shopping center in San Pedro Sula, Honduras, a city of about a half a million people or so. And the gringo told me he's only been doing it for four months and he's got 12 students a week already yet. Get this? 25 bucks an hour. That's two days a week and he makes over 1,000 bucks a month cash. And he tutors the kids and adults at their homes. Using an English syllabus he downloads for free off the internet. He says it sure beats teaching English at an academy or a private school 40 hours a week for 400 bucks a month. You've been listening

[27:37] to The Expat Files. Living in Latin America. Coming to you twice a week from somewhere south of the border. Email me. The Expat Files at gmail.com. And don't forget to check out expatwisdom.com to sign up for your free reports on Latin America. See you next time. Nos vemos.