#267 – The Expat Files: Water, Culture, and the Latin American Experience

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:14] Hello there all you expat wannabes, I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the Expat Files, living in Latin America. The show that tells you just what it's like to live, work, play and or retire down here in Latin America. It's a mix of the good, the bad, the ugly and the great and it's all right here so let's get started. It's funny to know that there's an article coming out of the Daily Mail in the UK saying that the ice cubes that you get at McDonald's and Burger King and Starbucks and Kentucky Fried Chicken and a whole lot of your favorite junk food restaurants, well disgustingly enough, the ice is actually dirtier than the water in the toilet. More precisely it says that the samples from the ice in those restaurants contain more bacteria than the toilet water at the same place. Now the reason why I bring this up is because I always say when you're down here in Latin

[01:01] America, no matter what they say at your hotel or what signs you see posted in the bathroom saying the water is pure, drinkable and potable, do not, I repeat, do not, believe it. Always bring your own purified water or bring a little purifier like I do and make some up yourself in the hotel room. And with my tiny little Sawyer purifier that's about as big as an espresso shot glass, I've been known to make up a little bit of my own pure water right at the sink in a restaurant bathroom. And yes you do get a lot of looks that way from Latins coming in to do their business. But locals they just chalk it up to those crazy gringos. Not to mention you should see the looks you get when you pull out about 10 or 15 vitamins and supplements at a restaurant or in a public place. I mean the locals aren't exactly staring at you but they sneak a peek and can you blame

[01:48] them for thinking we're eccentric nutcases? But still they want to be just like us in the worst way. That's part of our gringo advantage. So yes I plead guilty. I've been caught brewing up my own pure water in restaurant bathrooms. And while still in the act I've had Latins ask me, what are you doing? Like I was some kind of mad scientist or something, brewing up magic elixir or zombie juice. Who knows what they're thinking. And I let them down gently with the boring fact that I'm just making up some of my own water. And of course they just don't get it. Especially when there's a sign right there saying in big bold letters, you can drink our water because it's purified. And you do see signs like that in high end hotels and restaurants and gringo tourist areas. On the tourist trail I've seen them all over the place.

[02:34] In villas in Costa Rica and hotels in Panama, beach resorts in Rio, Argentina and Colombia too. Now the thing is that doesn't mean they're actually lying to you. In fact if you've ever been down to Costa Rica for example, if you talk to the average Costa Rican homeowner in San Jose anyway, the biggest city in the country, at least half the locals will tell you that they drink water from the tap because the municipality has assured them that they test it all the time and it's pure enough to drink. In fact Costa Ricans are very proud of the fact that theirs they say is the only country in Latin America you can drink the water out of the tap. Well I say you're nuts if you do. Sure the average Costa Rican can get away with it because they've been living there for generations. They long ago developed a tolerance for whatever creepy crawlers are in their water. And one thing to Costa Rica's credit, I do have to say when you open a water valve anywhere

[03:21] you go, the water actually does come out nice and strong and relatively clear looking as compared to 95% of the rest of big cities in Latin America. But unfortunately they also chlorinate the crap out of it and you smell it every time you crack a valve. And I know that most of you listening to this program realize that chlorine is not good for you. It's toxic and it kills things that's why they put it in the water and it never ceases to amaze me when people say well they chlorinate the water and it's pure and the government's handling all of that so I'm not worried and you're just a nervous Nelly. My grandma used to say that. And I'm not talking about Latins I'm talking about gringos who say that about their water in Cleveland. And over the years I've heard a lot of visiting gringos tell me, especially visitors from

[04:07] New York, they say their water straight from the tap is the purest and the best in the country. Then I say they really are drinking the Kool-Aid. Don't you realize that they put chlorine in the water because if they didn't the viruses, the bacteria and the other microorganisms like amoebas would send you to the hospital. So instead they just chlorinate the hell out of it. Then you're only ingesting the dead carcasses of viruses, amoebas and scads of other dead disgusting microorganisms. But if you're an earth-centered pragmatist in total harmony with nature, you could view drinking all those dead organism carcasses as an actual food source. I mean that's the way your body is going to process them, right? Anyway, like my grandma used to say, you eat a pound of dirt and a dozen spiders every year whether you like it or not.

[04:53] And yes, I know, I know, we eat millions of bacteria and viruses a day as it is. In fact, all of us are just big separate liquid universes of bacterial blobs with a few organized human parts thrown into the mix. I mean, let's face it, if an alien race came down and scanned one of us, that would be the short version of the report back to the mothership. But I'd rather not think about that, you know? Now let me point out, in my own case I'm not a fanatic about that stuff. Not like some gringos I know. But I prefer my drinking water sans dead carcasses of any kind, punto finale. Oh and by the way, you'll hear that statement a lot down here in Latin America, punto finale. Latins say it all the time when they're making a very solid definitive statement and they want you to know they've just given you their last word on it, punto finale, which literally

[05:43] means final point, the dot you put at the end of a sentence, which is for us, a period. So when we say for example, I'm not going to church, period, a Latin woman might say, yo no voy a salir a la iglesia, punto finale. Well maybe that was a bad example since Latin women don't skip church. Now speaking of restaurants, when you come down here to Latin America, you'll notice there are a lot of franchise chains of restaurants you've never even seen before. Along with the obvious first world ones like Wendy's, McDonald's and stuff. But for every international franchise, you'll also see a franchise that's all over the place down here but somehow never made it up to the states. You just don't recognize the name and it's usually in Spanish. Now obviously any local Latin restaurant that becomes so famous, profitable and well run,

[06:31] that it can franchise itself all over a country or a region or even all throughout Latin America Well it obviously must be doing something right, or so it would seem. Or it would have stagnated or died, never got off the ground in the first place or remained just a local one-off restaurant. Well let me give you a bit of a lowdown on some of these successful Latin American franchises. Since after all, if you come down here and open a brick and mortar business yourself, they just might be your competition. Now there's a very good reason why Latin franchise restaurants that are really big down here never make it to the first world. Basically they're not ready for prime time. That's it. Punto final. Now sure they might look great on the outside and really nice in practically first world the first couple months that they're open. But they're just never really up to snuff when it comes to the details.

[07:19] And don't think they haven't tried it. The owners of all these big Latin franchises have big heads. They think, okay now it's time to break into the US. And after a franchise down here has got a hundred or so restaurants, the owners do grow big balls and sometimes test the waters up north. And usually up in Miami is the testing ground. That's because the wealthy Latins that own these chains are very familiar with Miami because they're wives and kids and immediate families. Go on shopping sprees there all the time. That's the end game for all wealthy Latin Americans. You and your family are just not anything unless you can go a couple times a year with your wife and kids shopping for the latest first world trends and fashions. And you've just gotta go to the biggest high end Latin American city in the world, Miami of course. Even though these days you can get all those fashions and more down here in Latin America.

[08:09] In fact every city over a hundred thousand has at least one or more high end shopping malls with all the expensive brands and products. And of course the very same stores you find up in first world malls up in the states. Just remember that for wealthy Latins, shopping in Miami a couple of times a year is a rite of passage. A way of accumulating social points and bragging rights among your friends and neighbors. Why do you think there's a mini real estate boom going on there right now? Americans aren't buying there, it's all that wealthy Latin money flooding in. They all want an apartment or a house to crash in when they go up there shopping. Oh and yeah, they'll have the obligatory trip to Disney World too. You can tell they're obsessed with Mickey Mouse when you're at a Latin American airport and you see all the Disney paraphernalia as the people disembark.

[08:54] Those are not gringos and expats wearing that crap. We wouldn't be caught dead in a Lion King or a goofy t-shirt. But wealthy Latins, they just eat it right up. And that's why when you talk to these wealthy Latin guys or gals, they think they really know the United States. Oh yeah, I've been there 20, 30, 50, 100 times. I'm practically a gringle myself. That is until you find out the only places in the states they've ever been were Miami, Orlando, and the Latin Quarter in Jersey or New York City. Since everyone's got an Uncle Julio up there, they gotta check on once in a while. So anyway, the testing ground for Latin American based franchises is generally Miami and or heavily Spanish speaking parts of Florida. And because of a variety of factors, 98% of them crash and burn within the first year.

[09:42] In fact, there's only a handful of Latin American based franchises that have ever made it in the states. And the few that have made it are not succeeding because they've captured the hearts of the average American. They succeed because they've captured the hearts of the average Latin who's living in a run-down barrio somewhere in a big city up in the states. These are places that your average American wouldn't go in to use the bathroom. But you see, to first and second generation Latinos in North America, a franchise like that coming from the mother country has a strong pull for its nostalgic effect and the touch of home. And as you might imagine, all the workers speak Spanish, which really helps since a good percentage of their clients are illegals that can't speak English. Now let me give you a little example why these places just can't succeed when they try to

[10:31] break into the US market. Get this, the average rich Latin guy who owns a franchise down here usually sends a couple of his kids to business admin school, up in the first world no less, so the kid could come back down after he graduates, take the bull by the horns with all that first world business knowledge he's got now, and expand the franchise all that much more. Anyway, that's what daddy thinks he's going to do. Well, you know what, first of all, a business degree and a uniform will get you a job serving coffee at Starbucks. And these rich Latin kids with their business admin degrees, even their MBAs, they don't have a clue as to how to grow a business in the first world when they're faced with real sophisticated first world cutthroat competition like they've got up there. The fact is, most often, their family's successful franchise down in Latin America would actually

[11:20] be a case study in first world business school of exactly how not to run a franchise. And as for these rich kids and their business school diplomas, all those titles seem to do is turn them into bigger pretentious swell headed jerks, but enough of the name calling. Now let me give you an example of a very typical, very successful upscale franchise by Latin standards, but by no means is it upscale by our standards. And this chain, of course, you've never heard of before, even though they've got restaurants in Mexico, Guatemala, Honduras, Salvador, Panama, and Costa Rica. And you can buy one of these franchises if you want to, just check out their webpage. That's a joke, of course, because you wouldn't want to. But these places make a ton of money, so maybe it would.

[12:07] They're called Los Cebollines, which means the onions, kind of a Mexican version of a Chili's or a Sizzler or TGI of Friday's specializing in Mexican food. And the common people do not go there. It's strictly for people who can afford to drop 5 bucks on breakfast and 10 or 12 bucks on a regular meal. And don't laugh. About 60 to 70 percent of all Latin Americans don't have that kind of money. And if you look at the parking lot, these places always have their share of big SUVs and bodyguards standing around. So you can figure that a 10 or 12 dollar meal is actually a financial barrier to keep out the riffraff and the lower classes. Of course, the middle classes are welcome for special events like anniversaries and parties and date night. Of course, middle class money and patronage are welcome anytime.

[12:56] However, the common man and his family can only afford to come in on special occasions. And you can tell right away when they're in the place, they're all dooted up. And the real telltale sign? When the waiters go over with a cupcake and a sparkler and sing happy birthday. But take it from me. It's no place you want to take a date or celebrate your birthday. Not that you can't have a halfway decent breakfast or lunch there. You can, but like I said, it's like going to Chili's, where on a good day, the food hovers between a 4 and a 6 on the 10 scale. You get the picture. So anyway, the other day I was in one of these restaurants, sizing up the good and the bad and all the defects like I usually do. Now I have to admit, these places are rather well designed. A lot of nice Spanish tile, nice fixtures, big solid walls, Spanish columns and arches

[13:41] with a courtyard, water fountain, garden and all. And the workers all decked out in Spanish peasant costumes. Nice touch, huh? And the bathrooms were strictly first class too. Spanish tile, big mirrors, imported American and European fixtures, yet for however first world these places start out when they're first built. After about a year or so, they're dirty, scruffy and smell like, well, you know. And in this place, only one of the three water faucets in the sinks worked and they had a nice first world paper towel dispenser, but alas, no paper. Big surprise, huh? Now in the main dining room, they did have nice chandeliers and Spanish paintings and classy, indirect, soft lighting with only a few bulbs burned out.

[14:27] And since this place is supposedly upscale, you see groups of people at tables in expensive business suits, leather briefcases and laptops, that's the kind of crowd this place La Saboina's attracts. Mostly white collared businessmen with a mix of high level government parasites too. So my little group sat down and the waiter came around with the obligatory jug of coffee. After all, we're in there for breakfast. Now, I should be impressed because that coffee jug is from one of those commercial bun BUNN coffee makers. You've seen them. They're in every restaurant chain up in the States. And it's a so-called American product too. Like everything else, designed in America, made in China. Anyway, the waiter poured coffee all around and left that glass bun coffee jug on the

[15:13] table so we could help ourselves. Yet another nice IHOP style first world touch. Now, like I said, I should have been impressed because they're trying to be so mid-level first world. However, what I didn't tell you is that glass bun coffee jug had a crack in it all the way down the side. And you know it didn't leak. Instead, there was a half a foot piece of silver duct tape slapped on that crack to stop it from leaking. Kind of. Now I'm going to ask you a question. If you're at Chili's or TGIF Friday's, Sizzler or Tony Romano's or any one of those B-grade cattle call mid-level restaurants in the States, would you ever see something like that? Someone would really catch hell or get fired, right? We're talking very bad first impression. Leaving a cracked coffee jug on the table with a big piece of duct tape on it does not

[16:02] engender confidence nor the hope of at least minimum hygiene standards in the kitchen staff. And of course, the waiter made no apologies at all. He was happy-go-lucky as can be. It was business as usual for him. But you see, when they dropped the ball like that right in front of the customer, imagine what they're doing in the kitchen. Of course, that wasn't the only way they dropped the ball in that restaurant. They screwed up and blew the details in so many ways. And one of the main problems you see in almost every slightly upscale latin restaurant and in virtually all of the upscale restaurants is the fact that they just love to use cloth upholstered chairs and plush kind of velvety material too. They never consider how that material simply sucks up juice, gravy, ice cream, syrup and vomit like a sponge.

[16:48] And they never consider how impossibly difficult that stuff is to clean because they just never clean it. And after about six months, every one of these couches and sofas are stained beyond repair. And then there's those ubiquitous rips and tears which don't even get duct taped or repaired until the stuffing is popping right out. Now you have to know I'm telling you all this stuff for a reason. You see folks, these guys are your competition. And as much as I think it's a bad idea to open a bar and restaurant in latin america or anywhere for that matter, unless you are the only game in town, anyway, those are some of the reasons why even if you try such a foolish stunt, you still just might kick some butt. And since I was talking about coffee, if you do a web search on the finest coffees in the

[17:34] world, the ones that have won international competitions in the last five or ten years, you'll see that nearly always seven of the top ten come from Central America. And when you're down here, you can buy the best coffee in the world, award-winning coffee, the kind that Maxwell Houser, Mrs. Olsen from Folgers, never dreamed existed. And you could buy that award-winning world-class coffee down here for five to ten bucks a pound. And note that you can get it for ten and us long-term expats can get it for five. And sure, you could get the two and three dollar a pound stuff too, which is still a thousand percent better than the stuff in a can up in the States. But for an extra couple bucks, why not buy a pound of the stuff that goes for fifty dollars a cup in Japan? That's right, fifty bucks a cup. So why am I bringing this up?

[18:19] That's because about ninety-five percent of all the restaurants in Latin America, from the cheapest little hole-in-the-wall storefronts to Chili's and TGIF clones like La Cebollinas, all the way on up to high-end restaurants that charge fifteen or even twenty dollars a plate for an entree. And that's really high-end, believe me. Anyway, when you ask for a coffee at one of these places, if you don't ask for it the right way, you'll get cheap, over-boiled, bun-perculator coffee, or even worse, instant coffee, even though you're in coffee bean heaven. So you get basically Sanco or Hills Brothers coffee when you go to a restaurant. Now it's not to say they haven't got little coffee shops everywhere. Places where you can get a very good coffee with high-end beans through an expensive espresso

[19:05] machine. For about a buck to a buck and a half, by the way. Even at those places, if you ask for a plain cup of coffee, if you don't specifically say Cafe Americano, you'll generally get the bun-perculator junk. And yes, of course, they'll have a nice expensive Italian espresso machine, but they'll also have a perculator to dish out the cheap junk to the uninformed. And that group includes about ninety-nine percent of people in Latin America. However, if you want the real thing, high octane, made with the finest coffee beans in the world and ground fresh right there, you have to say Cafe Americano. Then they'll run an espresso through their machine, add a little water to it, and you've got yourself the Cafe Americano. And it's these espresso machines that get the fresh ground, highest quality beans.

[19:53] Whereas the perculator gets the rot-cut, cheap, pre-ground stuff. Just know that if you are a coffee lover, this is the place to be. And if you come down here and buy even the best coffee, in a year you'll save enough money by not going to Starbucks that you can buy your own thousand dollar espresso machine. But coffee lovers, beware. If you don't say those magic words, Cafe Americano, it's like being in the land of milk and honey. And they serve you powdered milk with Splenda. Oh and by the way, for those of you who've been sending me emails asking me if they've got an equivalent of Whole Foods down here, well I have to say I understand that Whole Foods is planning on coming down. They figure, why not get into the act with all the other first world franchises that are cleaning up down here. Well that's one first world franchise I wouldn't bet on.

[20:39] For a couple of reasons. First, at most 10% of the Latin population could even afford to buy anything at Whole Foods. Anyway, there are local natural food stores down here already. And almost always in very upscale sections of those towns. Their market of course being Gringo Wannabes. I've gone into quite a few stores like this myself. And some of them are, kind of like mini Whole Foods. And I have noticed when I go in these stores, even on weekends when people are off, I could unload a shotgun in the place and not hit anyone. So they're down here but basically they haven't caught on yet. And I know a couple of reasons why. For one, when you walk in the place and you see those nicely displayed fruits and vegetables, and you look at the prices, I noticed they're carrying the very same stuff that you can

[21:25] get in any of the little stores and markets dotted throughout the city. Only they're displayed and packaged in a very first world way. And of course they have signs saying we carry all organic produce. Well so does everyone else. In fact, I know it comes from the big central market where everyone else gets their stuff. Oh and since this is Latin America, you could put up signs and stickers all day long saying that you're certified organic. And even if you're not, you could get away with it forever because not only does no one check. There's no enforcement agency to even call. Just like everything else down here, you're pretty much on your honor. Now of course on the tourist trail where there are a lot of gringos, they have their little organic groups and committees and they can certify each other. But off the tourist trail you'll have a hard time finding such things.

[22:11] Anyway, down here 9 out of 10 people don't even know what organic is. Yet they're basically eating organic whether they know it or not. Anyway, I was just in one of those places and I noticed the brown organic eggs they were selling had the very same distinct speckled pattern as the eggs I buy from one of the big markets for a third less. Now of course these places like Whole Foods just don't carry produce. They carry all kinds of food items that are so called organic or natural, even nicely packaged junk food like potato chips and pretzels and stuff imported from the first world of course labeled natural and organic. Yum, yum, so nutritious. Now one of the reasons why these stores do not appear to be doing well is the fact that it's a high-end niche market directed at tree-hugging types that are supposed to be first world educated

[22:59] to know the difference. Well you know the problem is in Latin America you do have that upscale wealthy niche but they're simply not well informed at all. Why do you think those general nutrition GNC stores have made such a huge success down here? Now there's one US franchise that's really kicking cool-o. It's the upscale niche that buys at those places but you and I know that GNC is the last place you want to buy your vitamins and supplements. Everything you buy there is simply a rip-off. But the Latins who buy there love toting around that little plastic GNC bag. It's a sign you know that they're first world smart. Mm-hmm. Oh yeah and I never did get to finish that thing about the ice in your drinks. Well the other day I was in this nice pastry shop called The Dessert Gallery. Yes and it's even in English not Spanish.

[23:46] And that's because the franchise was started owned and operated by a German expat. Now this little franchise not only makes nice looking pastries but they have pretty decent breakfasts and lunches too. Again at about six bucks for a complete breakfast it's too upscale for the common man except for special occasions. Anyway when you look at the menu in big letters on the bottom of every page it says relax and enjoy we use filtered water here. But still I follow my own rules. When I drink something I get it direct from a bottle or a can and I don't pour it into a glass or use ice. Now the other day when I was in one of these little franchises I had to use the bathroom which again was a bit scruffy around the edges and like in a lot of bathrooms in Latin America there was a closet in there where they kept their plastic and paper supplies.

[24:33] Now the cabinet door was unlocked and if you know anything about me when I go into anyone's bathroom even your bathroom I'll check your cabinets. I found that you can learn about ten times as much about a person by peeking in a cabinet than I can by conversing for an hour. Anyway I checked the cabinet and lo and behold there were paper and plastic products in there along with that famous water filter system they were bragging about on the menu. Now it's true it was a nice two-cadnister American-made pre and post filter system that would definitely do the job all right. But when I looked on the maintenance sheet that was tacked up on the inside of the door the last time those filters were changed was a year and a half ago. Now let me tell you what that means normally in a canister filter system like that in a

[25:22] private home you're supposed to change the filters about every six months. So in this case definitely way past two right but let's not forget this is a place of business and they're using I imagine about ten times as much water than a private home would use. So I personally wouldn't trust the water in that place unless they were changed at least every two or three months but even that's not the worst part. Now Expat Eddie uses a nice filtration system like that in his little restaurants and of course since he's a gringo he does keep up with the regular maintenance as he should. However he mentioned something I never considered. He said if he doesn't change his filters about every two or three months the water pressure at the faucets in the kitchen drops down to a trickle and the only way to get the flow back up is to change the filters. So like he said the filters are kind of self regulating without even a maintenance schedule

[26:11] you know when to change them. But then he told me at the pool supply place where he buys his filters and don't get thrown now by the fact that he buys his filters at a pool supply place because down here in Latin America those places carry all kinds of water treatment supplies even ozone and reverse osmosis units too. Anyway Eddie said all these restaurant guys who put in these systems they have the same problem after a couple of months the water flow drops way down and they just get sick and tired of buying and changing filters even though the whole operation only sets them back like 20 or 25 bucks. So guess what these guys do they just pull and replace one of those filters. The first one in line the one that gets clogged up all the time and they never change the second one or even worse they actually pull out the two filters and don't use anything

[26:58] and you and I the customer will never know that. I mean who can see inside of a solid blue or white canister that there's really no filter in there at all. So anyway if you still want to have ice in your drink be my guest. All right moving on we're down to the last week before my next Latin American seminar and don't worry you'll still be getting two shows a week from me but you won't be getting any updates on the seminar for a few weeks since I'm putting a few shows in the can and I'll be way too busy herding around my little seminar group but never fear you'll be hearing a full report on it soon. Punto final. You've been listening to The Expat Files living in Latin America coming to you each week from somewhere south of the border and don't forget you can email me on anything

[27:47] at all about Latin America The Expat Files at gmail.com. See you next time on most famous.