#197 – The Expat Files: Navigating Latin America’s Complexities

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came up to play and now as I wonder My thoughts ever straight Hi everybody I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America the show that tells you what it's really like To live work play and or retire in Latin America. I tell it just like it is so let's get started Before I get started today, I want to remind you that my expat wisdom Latin American insider seminar. God. That's a lot of words He's open for registration I'm recording this show a week before it goes out and I know as of this recording the seminars more than half filled already

[00:46] So do sign up to make sure you get a spot. All right, just head over to expat wisdom calm for all the details Alright enough said about that. Let's get on with the show Now like I say one of the best ways to get initiated into the expat life is to get a hold of a big city Latin American newspaper and start reading I always recommend that as a first step to all you expat wannabes up there in Cleveland Contemplating your next move and nowadays with the internet You don't even have to spend a nickel and by the way the average price for any Latin American newspaper No matter how big or small is anywhere from 25 to 40 cents and remember unlike the first world Physical newspapers are not dying at all. They've got a huge lag time going sure They all have internet versions, but they don't seem to be making a dent in the circulation down here

[01:34] And that's because only 15 to 20 percent of all Latin Americans have internet in the home Now I ask you knowing that the internet hasn't penetrated much at all down here. Can't you just smell the opportunities? Anyway, you should download one or more of the big Latin American newspapers from the internet and start reading pick one of the medium or large cities in the country that you think you might be interested in relocating to and Get started and like I always suggest if your Spanish sucks start with the classifieds or the real estate ads and remember any time you Get stuck you can paste a paragraph or a whole article into Google Translate, and you're off so no excuses It's a no-brainer really Now over the years I've gotten a lot of emails from people who've tried this and they always say it's been great and it's helped them a lot

[02:21] Not only do they get the local and the national news they get to find out exactly what the cost of living is like in their area of choice because there's ads all the time for Produce and TVs and washing machines you name it But I have to warn you when you first start reading these papers if you know a little more than Taco Bell Spanish It's gonna scare the pants off of you, and I'll tell you why in a second what I'm saying is first world would-be expats You know expat wannabes are normally pretty shocked since the headline stories Don't much resemble first world paper headline stories at all But if a Latin American were to pick up that newspaper it just wouldn't faze him a bit in fact like any red-blooded male He'll scan the first few pages and head right over to the sports section But I said if you're a first world person the news will scare the pants off you and why is that well?

[03:11] I just happened to have a newspaper right in front of me here Yesterday's news in Tagusi Galpa Honduras now This is for a typical day a Thursday nothing special about this But listen as I read through the headlines of this paper and after I'm finished you tell me what you think of Honduras Okay, then I'll tell you what it's really like now Honduras as you may or may not know has a population of about a little Over 8 million with Tagusi Galpa the largest city and naturally with an unpronounceable name like that Tagusi Galpa Expats just shorten it to Tagusi or goosey just like they shorten Guatemala to Guati And if you want my opinion I don't recommend the place for expats because it's awful ugly and it's very polluted though

[03:57] It is actually in the Altiplano. So the weather is quite nice It's about four or five thousand feet up, but it doesn't have much else going for it at all Not for us expats anyway and crime. Oh, yeah, they got crime All right, but like all so-called dangerous big cities. It's got its nice little districts or zones that are completely safe places where wealthier people expats and gringos hang out and live little first world like islands of tranquility and If you keep a low profile like I always recommend you won't have any problems And since Tagusi and practically all of Honduras is way off the gringo tourist trail that gringo advantage is alive and well And by the way, I actually do like a lot of places in Honduras for expat living However, Tagusi Galpa is not one of them

[04:43] So anyway, I've got this Tagusi Galpa daily newspaper in my hand And since Tagusi is the biggest city in Honduras We're going to find out a lot about the country in general as we read the first few pages At least that's what you'd assume, right? Well get ready to be amazed and scared because here goes The big story on the front page is how all the presidents and vice presidents and congressmen in central america Have gotten together at a seminar some kind of conference The big announcement is that they need more first world money because the war on drugs is just not working Yeah, it took a three-day pig out in a five-star hotel to come up with that amazing conclusion, right? And let me tell you that every day in every latin american newspaper on the front page There's some kind of story about drugs Whether it's a plane that crashed with 30 kilos a boat loaded with pot that washed up on shore

[05:32] The discovery of some clandestine lab or some hidden airfield landing strips up in the mountains You get these stories every day and because central america is a big drug corridor to the u.s Practically every day newspapers are reporting on international conferences held in four and five star hotels down here The general theme always being some crap title like implementing new strategies in the drug war and these big international five star Pig outs are always sponsored by the us or the u.n In other words your tax dollar in the crapper again These pathetic conferences are really nothing but an expensive photo op and get together for large-ass politicians And these days it seems like every other five-star hotel seminar is about money laundering

[06:18] Always sponsored by the us government the imf for the world bank even giant corrupt institutions like city bank Who would believe that all these huge international conferences are held off the tourist trail way off the tourist trail? Now I ask you if the u.s state department says is so dangerous down here Then why do lard-ass politicians like hillary clinton and you and genital heads like kofi annan come down here For a meet and greet and to party first class with their massive entourages, of course Doesn't that seem the least bit ironic to you? Do they know something about these horribly dangerous third world countries that we don't? Yeah, they know that in every third world big city. There are luxury first world areas where they can hang out Yeah, that's right. And the press releases say they come down here to croak about all the good

[07:07] They're doing in the drug war and to hand out more money to corrupt third world bureaucrats Well, that's not exactly what the press releases say, but we know better It's all about rubbing shoulders with other jerks in five-star hotels and photo ops to make the ignorant public think they're actually making a dent in the drug war And though down here the first few pages of every newspaper are just filled with that dribble No one that's not on the receiving end of first world money ever actually reads those articles None of us expats ever do unless we need to induce vomiting And really the only time those international conventions get any traction at all I mean the only time the average person pays attention is when some latin american president or vice president or senator

[07:54] They call them deputados down here calls for the general legalization of drugs or the lowering of penalties Then the common man actually starts paying attention and some people actually read the articles because everybody's hoping and praying that that'll actually happen So when a politician makes a statement like that to the press down here The public actually thinks there's a sliver of a chance that legalization or decriminalization might actually be in the works But us expats know it's just a political ploy They're just posturing to get more free money Some more aid from the first world and a large piece of any first world aid always goes to the politicians in charge And then on to their friends families and relatives. That's just the way it works down here Why do you think these guys go into politics in the first place?

[08:41] When they start out young and they politic for a lowly local office Most of them don't have a pot to pee in Then as they work their way up through the system and learn the ropes and they become mayor and aldermen and deputado Or cabinet member or any one of the hundreds of high-paying posts the public doesn't even know about Why do you think these guys retire with fleets of suvs million-dollar houses offshore corporations and bank accounts? A half a dozen bodyguards helicopters private planes and a beautiful young mistress or two hold up in a penthouse apartment Remember that's the way the top hundred or so politicians in any latin american country live Now unless their daddy was a corrupt politician and greased the skids for them like mayor daley in chicago

[09:27] These latin scumbags walk into politics without a pot to pee in and they walk out like saudi princes These are poor third world countries and tax collections are very low Now you don't think there's enough money in a public trough to support that kind of lifestyle for a hundred or so politicians Do you and to support all the auxiliary parasites around them? You know, they're cronies families and friends That's just not possible. The tax collections are way too low in latin america There's only a few ways to support a lifestyle of a saudi prince Well, you can do it by skimming a portion of those multi-million even billion dollar aid checks That's the first world namely the u.s government doles out for the war on drugs because you see any deal a president of latin country makes with the u.s

[10:13] Government to bring in more troops or technology or training for the drug war that always comes attached to a nice big check for humanitarian aid And you know, that's supposed to go to help the common man infrastructure Healthcare education clean water and indoor plumbing and stuff But here's the catch Big aid packages like that aren't administered by the us government. That's not their job at all In fact, they don't want any part of it. Those programs are administered by the usual government bureaucrats And who do you think they give those hospital and school and building and road contracts too? They're friends and relatives and buddies and they always skim a piece off for themselves a nice big fat piece That's the deal and all these high level politicians are taking a piece from the narcos, too

[11:00] So they're on a couple of different payrolls. Really. How do you think it's possible for there to be an estimated? 250 clandestine airstrips in northern honduras alone In fact, I could go on google earth and spot a few for myself right now Anyone can if they know what they're looking for and remember google earth for us lesser mortals has very low resolution Imagine how much more you could see if you had the government version of google earth Or how about defense department spy satellites? So you have to wonder if they're so obvious to casual observers Why aren't they regularly being rooted out and busted? Well, that just wouldn't be good for their drug war now, would it? You know why just a few token airstrips get discovered each year? Because the narcos pay off high level politicians and high level military guys to look the other way

[11:49] And by the way, if you go on google earth, you can spot airstrips in belize Guatemala honduras panama in virtually every central and south american country and believe me These aren't airstrips for a cattleman's piper cover sesna either These are narrow lines cut deep in the heart of the jungle where no normal pilot or commercial airline would ever land Way off the beaten track far from any paved roads And that's the whole point, you know And you know when you do see in the paper down here that a landing strip like that's been discovered They always say it's a quote abandoned airstrip Unquote, I mean they never catch a plane landing on one of these things No one's ever caught red-handed in an actual drop You'd think with all that millions even billions in technology that the us donates to all these third world countries

[12:35] You know the sidewinder radars and the infrared and the night vision and the drones you've heard about it all Well, it's all down here. All right, but it doesn't seem to be doing jack feces All they can find is the occasional abandoned airstrip Very convenient, isn't it? Sure? They keep finding kilos and kilos of drugs found in gas tanks and trucks and stuff But that doesn't take any high technology to find in fact One of the inside guys at the u.s. Embassy in honduras told me nearly all the drug busts down here big and small Aren't picked up by some sophisticated technology They're caught because of a tip-off because someone squealed and all those airport bus where people have Kilos strapped to their legs and they swallow capsules of cocaine and stuff Well, there's always a certain amount of that and people get caught all the time because airport cops and security know how to catch that stuff

[13:26] They know just what to look for but the airport confiscations are really low volume actually pretty insignificant A single bus is usually grams to up to a kilo at max The real big shipments are coming through by plane and boat and they get through because the politicians the cops in the military Are paid to look the other way. Now, don't get me wrong. I don't believe it all in this drug war crap I think they should just legalize it all I mean it virtually is legal in most latin american countries and it's really dirt dirt cheap Whatever you can buy it for in the states You could buy it down here for five or ten percent of that cost and since they practically never prosecute users down here So why aren't the streets then virtually filled with hundreds of scavenging drug addicts 24 seven? There's just none of that and why because drug addiction is self-limiting

[14:15] It's like one nobel prize-winning social psychologist once said he said if you suddenly made cigarettes free I mean you put them on street corners in barrels and let people take as many as they want You'd still only have about five or six percent of the population smoking The rest of the people won't even be tempted because it's just not their thing Sure, a lot more people would sample them in the beginning But after a little while after a few months it would slip back down to the five or six percent point So basically the higher level politicians and high ranking military guys in latin america have gotten rich off the drug war It's a great deal for them because they're making money off of both sides But like every pig in the pig pen slashing around with their own kind

[15:00] The object is to grow bigger and fatter and there's never enough slop for everyone That's when these guys come out in public and say that drug war is just not working Maybe we should look at legalization or dropping the penalties which brings an immediate knee-jerk reaction from the first world Who also need that drug war money and all those billion dollar contracts to keep flowing? And they're more than happy to shut up any politician. That's talking legalization They just shut his mouth with money and a fresh injection of funds for so-called humanitarian purposes Distributed through local governmental departments, of course you get the picture All right, but back to the headlines. I'm looking at the headline on page two now It's reporting on a new session of the hondur in congress and how a proposed law on

[15:47] anti-corruption within the government itself a so-called illicit enrichment act was basically killed for about the 15th consecutive time And no wonder why it never passes it's aimed directly at rooting out corrupt congressmen and bureaucrats Just exactly what the act proposes to stamp out illicit enrichment in politics And that would virtually stop the gravy train can't have that now. Can we I mean that's the reason why you're going to politics in The first place now, isn't it? And it says here that for the last 15 years every congress that's been in session has proposed a law on anti-corruption There's always one or maybe two honest politicians in congress now and they're the ones that propose acts like that Then it gets in the news for a couple of weeks

[16:34] And a lot of empty speeches are made too And then it gets slapped down hard and in 15 years, it's never passed. It's never gotten close It's always tabled or killed before it gets any traction at all And along with that proposed bill that got killed it says here a related proposed build has died a quick death here, too It was a proposal to strip congressional and presidential immunity Now let me explain that for a second once you become a diputato or a congressman or a cabinet member or a president or vice president Any of the high-level political offices you have complete immunity from prosecution For any crime you may have committed while in office now when expats first hear about this. They're dumbfounded

[17:19] How could there be immunity for crimes committed while you're in office? How does something like that even get on the books? I mean, it's a virtual get out of jail free card and it's used all the time. It's a gift that politicians have given themselves It's the gateway to graft and corruption And that's why these guys want to stay in office forever until they're dead and they usually do that's pretty common Because once they're out of office, they lose that immunity But once they're out of office, all that really means is they're off the gravy train Sure, they lose their immunity from prosecution But the majority of all corruption occurs while a politician's in office. Obviously, that's the only time he's got access to the public trough So anyway on the second page of the newspaper

[18:07] You can see how hard congress is working to protect the gravy train That seems to be the main focus of government in the first world and down here to protect that gravy train Oh, and by the way, all latin american governments have that same get out of jail free card immunity And only in the most severe cases has it ever been stripped from someone for example Just recently the last head of the congress in guatemala. That would be like the speaker of the house in the united states Anyway, he and his staff were caught stealing 11 million dollars, which they shipped off to a caribbean offshore bank account Anyway, apparently this must have offended some of the other politicians who didn't have their hand in that trough So he was stripped of his immunity and was sentenced just this week to two years in the pen to

[18:54] Commutable years that means he'll be out in about three months. Oh, and I forgot the money is still missing and reportedly Unrecoverable and the reason why these guys get such light sentences when they are picked up and prosecuted Is because they're the ones that stacked the legal system when they were in office They got their buddies and cronies appointed to judge ships So what do you think's gonna happen when you come up in front of one of these guys? For example in the case of this politician. I was just talking about the one that helped steal that 11 million bucks Do you know what the judge did the one that gave him the two years in jail? Oh, he slapped his hand. All right. He gave him that two years in jail plus a fine of 1500 And about that 11 million that he stole Well, that's a nice retirement package when he gets out in a couple months now, isn't it?

[19:42] Now I ask you would you do two years in jail? If you knew when you got out you'd get 11 million and like I said It really won't be two years more like just a couple of months and he won't be in with the general population He'll have his own little apartment with a stove refrigerator and tv and all that stuff And his own maid and a bodyguard or two That's the way latin prisons are when you have the cash But that's a subject for another show and believe me. I have got some emails about that. Johnny What's it like in a latin american prison? Like i'm supposed to know because I was there, right? Do they know something that you don't? No, just kidding And you know, there's another thing that always confounds us expats when we see cases like this And there are a lot of them when high level government guys, you know senators vice presidents presidents and cabinet members and such

[20:31] After they've been out of office for a few years It's discovered that they've stolen some millions of dollars and you just wouldn't believe how often that happens In fact not a day goes by when you don't read about such stuff in the daily newspapers Anyway, it always confounds us expats when we hear that they picked up the guy living in some luxury neighborhood or resort somewhere In his home country I mean these guys operate with such impunity That they go ahead and steal millions of dollars and don't even flee the country And you know what expat eddie says sure they stole from the public trough, but at least they're helping out the local economy You know keeping the public money circulating and eddie's got a point there I mean if he was in the south of france or monaco somewhere spending that door

[21:16] He wouldn't be creating local jobs at all. Now, would he? And another thing the wealthy neighbors know what's going on when one of these ex-deputados or vice presidents moves into one of their luxury Subdivisions or builds a million dollar beach house next to theirs, you know with bodyguards suvs and a helicopter or two The neighbors know he's paying for all that with stolen public money or narco money But the neighbors keep their mouths shut Why because these guys even when out of office have friends in high places and the rich guys in those subdivisions The wealthy guys that made their money in business the hard way They don't want any trouble with these ex-politicos who with a phone call could do big damage to the most legitimate of businesses You know what? I mean, maybe sick their version of the irs on him or cancel or pull his import export license

[22:06] These guys who've spent their lives in politics can really play dirty How do you think they've managed to stay in office with all those other snakes vying for a place at the same trough? That's why these guys in and out of office walk around like saudi princes Oh, and here's another recent story. I think you'll like a notorious ex-vice president Who served three years in prison when he got caught diverting a few million dollars to him and his buddy and his family's accounts When that money was supposed to go to a housing project for the poor Anyway, they took his immunity away from him for a while and he did three years in prison a club med style prison Of course But when he got out and never returned the millions, of course A funny thing happened to him and it happens to all high-level political ex-cons. They become local celebrities

[22:55] The money that's gone missing never seems to surface It's always shifted out of the country though As I said before they like to stick around themselves because they have such huge egos and they so much enjoy being public figures And for some strange reason the latin american voting public are stupider about their thieving ex politicians Than any other class of people i've ever met for example about three months ago I was actually in walmart myself when I saw that very guy that ex-con vice president Walking with his two bodyguards down the aisles of walmart selecting expensive things with his big black disgusting hummer Double parked outside blocking the handicapped parking zone And do you think any of the parking lot guards would ask him to move? No way instead they treated him like royalty

[23:43] One of them actually grinning a big grin like a fool and shaking hands with that disgusting piece of feces And by the way as he walked like a prince through that walmart People kept nodding at him politely like a visiting dignitary And I happened to be standing right behind him in the checkout line Him and his two fat bodyguards and I did comment to the cashier quite loudly in spanish So that political scumbag could hear I said i'm surprised a nice first world store like this Would allow the criminal element to shop here, but the cashier just gave me a funny look He didn't get it and the scumbag ex-political ignored my remark and continued his princely stroll I know he heard me at least I got that much satisfaction And as he walked out people nodded and said buenos días and not one of these people who he'd stolen millions from

[24:35] Bothered to give him the least bit of grief about it Of course, I never really expected them to mouth off spit in his eye or even give him the cold shoulder latin's never do They're just way too polite to confront jerks like that to their faces Or I should say there's more of a kind of a disconnect They don't connect that the politicians are stealing actually from them their tax dollars and international donations The public doesn't connect those dots at all because in the third world the politicians never do anything for the public Anyway, what latin citizens get they have to work for themselves. The public money just doesn't filter down So when a politician steals millions Citizens don't get outraged or they do just for the moment and then it fades away fast Because they don't see any effect either way public services and social programs still suck

[25:25] In other words, the public doesn't connect the fact that they're being stolen from It's like the politicians live in a completely different world from them And of course they do and that's why the general public treats politicians Even the ones that get caught stealing millions like celebrities I've learned that over the years latin's in public are nice and polite about practically everything Even when they've been crapped on over and over again in the end many of them actually politely Thank you And I see that all the time in department stores, too A personal walk-in ask for some help or try to return something or just go to customer service By the way, eddie calls it customer disservice Anyway in the end many times you get no satisfaction at all It was just a complete waste of time and even with all that wasted time

[26:12] There will be smiles and thank-yous all around it and I think in some ways that greases the wheels of a dysfunctional society And you know based on my run-in with that crooked politician It might sound like i'm pretty hard on the latin public But me and all my expat friends really like the idea that the society is so happy polite and courteous I tell you that goes a long way when you're in a society with politicians that are so corrupt And with the citizens the common man the politeness is not fake They're not putting on a show for example, like I experienced when I took a trip to asia It seemed like there there was always something behind that smile something that wasn't right But even so I still prefer asia to france where you get a double whammy bad customer service and bad manners

[26:59] Well, I guess you can't have it both ways, huh? But back to the newspaper now i'm on page three where we have another report from a big convention center Where a bunch of worthless politicians from the us and latin america are again whining and dining at a five-star hotel Discussing drug war strategies. What else is new and by the way? I bet you didn't even know they had luxury five-star hotel complexes in the third world. Well, believe me. They've got hundreds of them here Oops, I just noticed i'm at the end of the program. I'll continue this next time and I promise it gets really interesting You've been listening to the expat files living in latin america Coming to you each week from somewhere south of the border and don't forget you can email me on anything at all about latin america

[27:48] The expat files at gmail.com See you next time Ah