#192 – The Expat Files: Parking, Cuidadores, and Volcanic Ash in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:03] Hi everybody, I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to The Expat Files, living in Latin America. The show that tells you what it's really like to live, work, play and or retire in Latin America. I tell it just like it is, not the version they give you in those glossy travel magazines, or the picture they paint for you in those international traveler websites, where they're only trying to sell you something. What's it really like for expats living in Latin America? Well, if you stick around a while, you'll find out. So let's get started. You know, I've talked a lot in the past about owning and or renting a car down here. And actually I've probably talked way too much about it. But I get emails all the time from people asking me about vehicles.

[00:48] You know, what kind of cars and trucks I recommend, what kind of insurance. What about car maintenance and stuff since, like I've said before, maintenance isn't in their vocabulary down here. Which gives new meaning to the phrase that when you buy a used car, you're buying someone else's problems, believe me. And I still get lots of email questions asking me how to deal with cops if they get pulled over. And how to deal with other drivers if you get into an accident. As you know, I've talked a lot about that kind of stuff in the past. But no matter how much I talk about cars and driving down here, I still keep getting emails asking me even more questions. And still, one of the most common questions I get is, what's the scoop on parking your car in the big city? Like for example, what happens if you plug the meter and your time runs out and you're not there to put more money in?

[01:35] In that case, what kind of fines are you looking at? And do they use the dreaded Denver boot? You know what that is, don't you? Basically, people always ask me what I do with my car when I'm in the city and what do I recommend for them? Okay, so let me take some time to answer some of the simpler questions. You know, if you don't feed the meter and your time expires, they do have meter maids and such. And in the bigger cities at least, you will get a parking ticket. Now, when you're off the tourist trail, you're looking at a fine of about 10 or 15 bucks. Which is about a quarter of what parking meter fines are in the states. But I also have to admit that in Latin American cities, up to a quarter of the parking meters don't even work. I mean, like I said, maintenance isn't really in their vocabulary. I mean, I can't tell you how many times I walked up to a parking meter and tried my

[02:22] damnedest to feed it, but it won't take the coins or it won't register. And let's face it, those things are electronic these days. You know, they've got digital readouts and stuff. I mean, they're not mechanical and bulletproof like the old classic wind up ones. Remember those? And in the rainy season, they get absolutely saturated and the rest of the time, the sun is beating down on them with such intensity that you can't even touch the coin slot or you'll burn your finger and I'm not kidding. That's why I estimate about one out of four of those things are completely useless. And the meter maids and the parking cops know that so you don't get a ticket if you're parked next to one of those. Basically, one out of four spots is a get out of jail free card. And who says there's no such thing as a free lunch? And here's another thing, oftentimes when you're at a busy city street, as soon as

[03:09] you get out of your car and plug the meter, a little guy will walk up to you with his hands full of coins and you'll know just what he wants to offer. He's offering to plug your meter for you all day long, figuring you're going to be gone for more than the one or two hour maximum. And basically, these little guys have created a full time job for themselves. These little guys know all too well that drivers who are in the city on an errand can often be stuck for hours at a time at a bank or a government building or just to pay a simple electric bill. Remember, like I told you before, customer service is also a phrase that doesn't exist in a Spanish language. And remember, if you have to take a personal trip to any government office at all, plan on blocking off at least a half a day. And don't forget to load up your iPod and bring a book. And that means if all the parking lots are full or you can't find one, you're going

[03:57] to need the services of one of those little meter plugger guys, believe me, who by the way have created that job on their own and have no connection to the government or the Which means, of course, these guys are part of that 40% of workers who are off the books and pay no taxes. And how do us expats feel about that? More power to them. Anyway, if you give these little guys the okay and most people do, these guys will plug your meter for you and when you get back, you're supposed to give them some kind of tip, maybe 25 cents. And in the medium to bigger cities, there's usually one guy like that for each city block and that's basically his territory. Every day, he gets there seven in the morning and leaves at seven at night. Oh, and also these guys will offer to wash your car for a buck or two, which is a pretty good deal, believe me.

[04:43] And not to worry, even though these guys are what they call coriente, very low class and pretty ragtag looking, guys who when they have the urge just whip it out and water the plants no matter who's around, anyway, these guys who plug meters are not crooks. They're not going to steal from you or break into your car because it's a long term job for them and they go to work every day in the same place, just like clockwork. And all the business owners and the traffic cops and the parking cops know these guys and if one of them, let's say, was to break into a car, word would get out pretty fast and these guys would lose a steady source of income, not to mention they'd be run out of the neighborhood on a rail. And about those Denver boots, you know, those wheel clamps the cops put on when you're in an unauthorized parking zone, well, in all the medium and large cities in Latin America,

[05:29] they have those things too. And if you get one slapped on your car, you'll be inconvenienced and stuck there for a few hours but it won't break the bank. I'm talking now off the tourist trail, of course, and not places like Costa Rica, Cancun, Panama, Argentina and Chile, where in most of their medium and large cities, they have first world prices and therefore first world traffic fines. Anyway, off the tourist trail, if you get the boot like that, you're going to pay about a $25 fine. Now I know if you get booted in the States, in a big city like New York, Chicago or Las Vegas or my favorite scapegoat, Cleveland, anyway, you get the boot there, you're going to pay anywhere from $100 to $300. But let me just mention one more thing, this is Latin America and the cops down here have

[06:16] about a 6th grade education and I've noticed sometimes they don't put the boot on right, somehow it seems they haven't had the proper training in that either. What I'm getting at here is I know a certain expat named Eddie, who told me that there are a few YouTube videos out there on how to defeat a Denver boot clamp. One of them, believe it or not, featuring Bart Simpson. Anyway, one day while we were having that Denver boot discussion in San Pedro, Sula, Honduras, Eddie became a good Samaritan on a dare from me and removed one of those Denver boots from a poor schmuck who was parked in front of a hotel loading zone. Now the question is, can you get in trouble for doing that? Who knows, I don't know anybody who ever has. Then again, there is only one expat Eddie. Now in the first world, if you were caught red handed with one of those Denver boots in your hands as you're taking it off, I suppose you'd be in big trouble.

[07:04] Well it's not quite like that down here in Latin America, in fact when Eddie took the boot off of that car, there was a little kid about 12 years old standing there watching and when Eddie popped it off, the little kid asked him what he was going to do with it. And Eddie said, why? You want it? It's yours. So of course Eddie gave it to him. And the kid's eyes lit up like it was Christmas and he took off running with the thing and disappeared in two seconds flat. And the question in my mind was, what the heck is this kid going to do with that thing? It's not like there's any resale market for used or stolen Zepos. Oh and by the way they call them Zepos down here. And Eddie said he's probably going to sell it back to the transit cop, because after all they have to account for them, don't they? And who knows, maybe that's exactly what the kid did, stranger things have happened. And if you remember in one of my previous shows I mentioned that I don't recommend parking

[07:54] on the street at all unless you're in one of those smaller towns of under 50,000 people, which are always safer than the bigger cities and nearly devoid of vandals and thieves. And of course the trick for living in big cities in Latin America is to have a car that's only worth maybe three or four thousand dollars. Something that no one's going to screw with, no one's going to steal and no one's going to break into. A car that doesn't stand out and show that its owner has some wealth. Then you could park it on the street and leave it for a day or even two and not worry. Or you can do what expat Eddie and a lot of expats do. They have a nice late model car that they drive in the nicer sections of town and use for long trips. And they have a second car, a three or four thousand dollar car that they use for everything else. Especially when you have to go down to the big historic districts where all the old government

[08:39] buildings are. Those are those highly congested areas with all the sweltering masses of humanity. Unless you've got a bodyguard, it's not a place you want to park the new Audi or the Range Rover, you know? Eventually every long term expat, no matter how wealthy, realizes that a three or four thousand dollar car is the perfect transportation down here and very low profile. Something that wealthy Latins never seem to figure out because they love to display what they have. Don't let that happen to you, let them be the targets. And I should mention here, when you're driving your car in the big city, as much as you really want to park your car in a guarded lot, often times the lots will be full and you'll just have to park on the street. And when you do, 99 times out of 100, a little guy will walk up to you and point a finger

[09:25] at his own eye. That's his way of saddling you that he'll guard your car for a price. And since that doesn't happen up in the first world, the exception being in big city ghettos I guess, anyway if you've never seen that scam going down, you're wondering what the hell's up with that? And generally, these little guys are different than the little guys I just spoke about, the ones that'll plug your meter for you. The fact is, in the big cities, there's all kinds of little guys on the street trying to get you to park with a few coins anyway they can. The little guys I'm talking about now, are the little guys that are walking around saying they'll guard your car for a price. They're called cuidadores. And the word cuidado means take care, in other words, they'll take care of your car. Meaning they'll watch your car, they'll take care of it, or else. Their price being usually about a buck or two, depending on how long you're parked

[10:14] on the street. Basically, his street, his designated territory. And of course, that's not a real sanctioned job at all, it's an extortion play. Because you see, if you don't agree right away to pay the guy his buck or two, when you get back from your errand, you might just find a big old scratch on the side of your car. Which is plenty of reason to have a three or four thousand dollar car, don't you think? That way, you can tell one of these little extortionists, forget about it. Or if you're not in a good mood and you're having a bad day, you could just tell the guy nicely in Spanish to blow it out his ass. Or not. Depending of course, how many neck tattoos the guy has, right? Actually that's a joke, because these little guys aren't dangerous really. They're not gang members or anything, they're just trying to make an illegal living, you know? The real gang members are not found in those parts of the big city.

[11:01] They're in their own disgusting barrios. They live in areas that are well delineated, places that us expats stay far away from. Anyway, so what happens when you park your car in the street and one of these little extortionists comes up to you and says he'll watch your car for a buck or two and you say, no way, I'm not playing ball. And of course when you get back from your errand and you see another scratch on your car, that guy's going to be working his usual territory, but when he sees you, he's going to play dumb. I don't know what happened. I wasn't looking. You never hired me to watch your car. That's just what he's going to say. So that's the Catch-22. But there are really two ways around that, because you see, all of these guys also have a bucket and a sponge and some soap tucked under a tree somewhere and they'll always

[11:46] offer to wash your car for a buck or two. And you really can't go wrong with a deal like that. I mean, where could you get a car wash for a dollar or two? Up in the States, I think it's impossible to get a car wash for under five bucks. And these guys are good at it. They do a mighty nice job. Though I admit, the water does look pretty nasty. Even so, in the end, the car always looks good. And better yet, there's no reason to burn inside because he's pulling an extortion play on you. He's actually doing you a service and he's happy to do it. And at the same time, he's not going to let anything happen to your car either, right? So it can be a win-win for both of you. But what if you don't want your car washed? Well, in that case, there are a few ways to defeat a petty extortionist like that. You know if you don't pay the guy, he might damage your car, right?

[12:35] Well, the trick there is to tell him you'll pay him when you come back from your errand because you want to see that he's done a good job of guarding your car before you pay him. You know, payment for services rendered, not before. And though Latin drivers aren't creative enough to use that ploy, us gringos get away with it all the time. In that case, you can get his goat two ways. You can either get in your car, start it up and drive off, and give him a big grin and wave to him as you leave. I mean, what's he going to do about it, right? Throw his bucket of water at you? He won't. He needs that to wash the next car. Or you can make a point of inspecting your car and pointing out some little defect in the paint job or the bumper or whatever. A defect you already knew was there. And then you can accuse him of being negligent, a bad car watcher. Then just act a little irate when you drive off without paying him.

[13:23] I've seen expat Eddie pull that one a dozen times, and I always have to bite my tongue because I don't want to laugh. And of course the trick there is to remember not to come back to the same place and park your car in the future. Not too soon in the future anyway, because the guy might remember. And if he does, well, then there goes the paint job, right? Makes that $3,000 car idea look better all the time now, doesn't it? Either way, don't be ramrotted into paying one of these petty extortionists. Personally, these guys really rub me the wrong way, so I always try to reverse the tables and take advantage of them whenever I can. And of course Eddie does too, he's the master at it really. And I know at first when new expats come down, when they're first confronted with something like that, they pay the guy. They really don't know the customs or the culture that well, so they pull out the dough.

[14:12] New expats and gringos have no idea that these guys are pulling that scam off on their own. They're not sanctioned, they're not working for the government or the parking authority or anything. But as for most of us long-term expats, we look at them as pure extortionists, basically parasites. We try our damnedest not to give them a dime. A buck or two to wash your car, great. A buck or two just to watch your car, screw that. By the way, expat women and gringos never play games with these guys like expat men do. Ladies always pay these guys off and never put up a fuss. To them it's not worth it, they just pay up and get on with it. Because naturally they don't want anything to happen to their car, and they figure a buck or two is cheap insurance. Anyway, that's understandable being that they're strangers in a foreign macho society.

[15:02] Oh, and I forgot to mention, when you park on the street, in the bigger cities it's always metered parking, so not only do you have to pay the extortionists, but you have to feed the meter too. And how much do parking meters cost in big cities in Latin America? Well, if you're off the tourist trail and not in Costa Rica, Panama, Argentina or Chile, you're going to pay about 50 cents an hour, which is chicken feed I know compared to the states. I understand in some US cities like Chicago, a parking meter is 5 bucks an hour. That's 10 times the cost of parking meters in big Latin cities, which is still more proof of the low low cost of living down here. But still, any public parking fee to me is legal theft. And though I could go into a rant about that right now, I'll spare ya, okay? Instead, I'd like to finish up that bit that I was doing on the last show about volcanoes.

[15:49] I never did get to the end of that. Since lately they've spent a lot of interest and a lot of emails about volcanoes because they've been in the news up in the first world. For example, there was one big volcanic blow off in Guatemala just a few weeks ago, and it's still smoking and spewing quite a bit now. But what people up north don't realize is that volcano blows off regularly every couple of years. And only the idiots that live very close to it actually panic. Us expats are a lot smarter than that, at least I hope we are. But before I get back on that volcano thing again, let me talk a bit more about the sun and its deteriorating effects down here. Now like I said, you really need a garage or a carport, or your car is going to turn to crap in no time. Now it doesn't take a genius to realize this of course. But when you're an expat down here long enough, you realize there's a kind of a strange phenomena

[16:39] going down with the locals. It seems that upper middle class and wealthy Latins, Latins who have garages and carports generally don't use them much. Instead, they prefer to park their cars in the driveway or out on the street in direct sunlight all day. I guess it's just the laid back laziness factor. They don't want to get out of their cars and open the garage or car park door manually. I mean who does right? But you know us expats who come from much colder climbs, we always do that. We get out of our cars and open the door. Or we just buy a good old Sears garage door opener, you know? And you'd think that the average latin who could afford a car would spend 250 bucks and have Sears install one, right? Wrong. Instead they just drive into their guarded subdivisions, pull up in front of the house,

[17:26] get out and let the sun do its dirty work. And after a while I kind of figured out why that is. The average latin with a car just doesn't know any better. That's the way everyone treats their cars, new and old. And after a couple of years everybody's paint job looks like crap. So that's just life. And when I first started noticing that, I'd comment to Eddie and my friends that I thought that latin people with cars had a bad connection in their brain or something. How could they not see the damage that the sun is doing to their vehicles? When the remedy is right in front of their eyes, just get off your dead ass, open the garage door and stick it in. Details, details, it's all about the details now, isn't it? I guess these latins with cars are using or not using the same part of their brain that allows them to completely ignore the fact that bad home construction is allowing rain

[18:15] to seep into their houses during the rainy season and cause all kinds of damage. And yet when the dry season comes, they just fail to make permanent repairs or they just paint over the now dried up water stains. That's the latin way of doing things. To us gringos, it's half-assed. To them, it's normal. And actually it's part of our gringo advantage that we spot those things right away. And it never even registers with the average or even upper-class educated latin. And here's another little example of that phenomena that Eddie pointed out to me. He said that when he first met his girlfriend and got invited for dinner where she was living at her parents' house naturally, when she showed him around her house and he looked into her bedroom, there was the usual water-stained peeling paint from the ceiling from, you know,

[19:02] the rainy season leaks. You see that in every latin house down here, by the way. But what really caught Eddie's eye was her bedspread. He noticed an ugly gray grimy stain on the bedspread near the foot of the bed. And she didn't apologize for it or anything and he never mentioned it because he thought it might be embarrassing and rude. The fact is he didn't know what it was and all kinds of weird ideas ran through his mind. But it didn't seem to bother her and she never brought it up at all. Then a couple of weeks later he visited the parents' house again and went up to her bedroom to get her. And he noticed there was a different colored bedspread on the bed and it had the same grimy stains in the same area. So a couple of weeks later they were shopping at a big department store and Eddie was buying some things for her. And when they walked through the linen department, there was a sale on bedspread so Eddie bought

[19:50] her two new ones. And in the next few weeks when Eddie visited her house, he noticed she was using the new bedspreads. However, as the weeks went by, those gray stains started appearing in the same place again. Then finally, a few days later, the mystery was solved. Eddie came by a little early one day, walked up to her bedroom and saw she was laying on the bed with her feet on the pillow and her head at the foot of the bed where that gray spot was. And guess what? She had a little formation of her makeup jars lined up on the bedspread. And Eddie laughed a little when he saw there was a small dusting of makeup powder right where that telltale gray spot was. Mystery solved. And actually it was a bit of a relief to Eddie. So that was how she put her makeup on.

[20:37] And as a result, she ruined every bedspread she'd ever had. At least as far as Eddie was concerned. But she didn't seem to mind. Either she was so very used to doing it that way, or maybe she just figured beauty has its price. In this case, a smudged bedspread. Then Eddie said to her, look if you like putting your makeup on there, why don't you just put a towel down first and stack your makeup jars on that. That way you won't ruin the bedspread. Then she looked at him and said, yeah that's a good idea. And she grabbed a towel and did just that. Problem solved right? Well not quite. We're dealing with Latin Americans here, remember? Turns out, a week or so later when Eddie walked into her bedroom again, she was making up again on the bed. You guessed it, no towel. A small thing you might say.

[21:24] But just typical of some of the idiosyncrasies of the Latin culture that us expats noticed that, that don't seem to register at all with the average Latin, even when we point it out to them. But you should never let that discourage you, because it's really part of our gringo advantage that we do notice those things. After all, if everything was ship shape and spic and span down here in Latin America, and they had the perseverance of Germans, or what we call or used to call, good old American know-how, us expats and expat wannabes wouldn't have any advantage at all now, would we? So thank god the locals just don't notice the details and we do. Now I've said about that, now let's talk about volcanoes a bit more. When a volcano blows, there's ash, and it infrequently comes down like rain if you happen

[22:10] to live within 20 miles of one if there's a big eruption. Now like I said, that happened to me twice, and I was living about 15 miles from a big volcano. And because these things happen so infrequently, people just go out of their houses, stand on their porches and look for a while, kinda dumbfounded, scratching their heads and all. And that includes both expats and locals. Anyway for 95% of the people, life still goes on and you go to school or work or whatever. Well that's a very bad move if you use your own car, and here's why. Even the tiniest little dusting of that volcanic ash on the windshield of your car is really bad news. Especially if it's drizzling or misting rain. And the funny thing is, a light mist and rain seem to come right along with that kind of an ash deposit, that huge cloud of dust and ash coming out of the volcano some miles away

[22:59] seems to seed the atmosphere and cause rain clouds to form. And what's the first thing you do when you're in your car? And your windshield looks a little dirty? What about when it starts to rain or drizzle a bit? You turn on your windshield wipers, right? Well when it's volcanic dust that's in the air, it's a very bad move indeed. Now your windshield wipers are grinding that pulverized rock into the glass on your windshield. It's like taking a piece of fine sandpaper to glass. And after about 5 minutes of that you've completely clouded your windshield, permanently. And that's why after a little ash rain storm like that, auto glass companies do a booming business and body repair shops too. Since after that everyone lines up to get their windshield buffed out, but that doesn't

[23:45] always work. Depending how much ash came down, how long it lasted, and how much time your wipers were going, all that will determine how much you'll have to spend to get the cataracts removed from your windshield. In my case, both times I ended up driving in the stuff, and yes I was forced to use my wipers. And both times I was lucky. The body shop was able to buff the opaque patches out of my glass, but really I should never have driven at all. But who knew? The first time it happened I just looked at it like a regular old snow storm. Because that's kind of what it looked like. Boy was I wrong. And the second time that happened I was on the road already so I couldn't avoid it. I was in my car on the highway in pretty heavy traffic. When it started raining volcano ash. And I don't mean big chunks or anything, it's a very fine powder coming down.

[24:32] Especially if like me, you were 15 miles away from the volcano itself. And you know on other occasions I've been close to active volcanoes that were blowing off, but I was always at least 10 miles away. That recommended safe distance I was talking about. And in most cases that volcanic ash never came down at all, even though I was quite nearby. And the volcano itself looked pretty evil and scary looking. But it all depends on wind currents, the size of the particles and again if it rains or not. So bottom line, buy or build your house at least 10 miles away from the nearest active volcano. That way you'll get that million dollar view and only a very slim chance of volcanic rain. And you know I do have to mention that it's the strangest experience in the world to wake up in the morning, walk out your door and see a tiny covering of ash over everything

[25:21] in sight. It really does remind you of a fresh blanket of powdered snow. But man let me tell you, it's a huge clean up process. You really need to put on a few more cleaning ladies and you don't want to track that stuff into the house. The first thing you do is you close all your windows and you plug up any big air gaps. Because once that stuff gets in your house, it'll take weeks or months to get the inside of your place looking spic and span again, no matter how many cleaning ladies you have. Now I'd like to make a little announcement. You know as long as I've been doing this show, people always ask me if I have any books or articles, interviews, blogs or anything else out there besides the show. Well I've been getting a lot of emails from listeners saying they've heard about a private, new 6 hour video program I put together called The New Five Flags and they want to know more

[26:08] about it. Of course it's aimed at expats and expat wannabes who want to stay off Big Brother's radar. It's for those of you who need a real plan to survive the governmental and financial crises that are surely coming. How about you? Do you have a plan to protect yourself, your family and your assets? Just head on over immediately to expatwisdom.com and get all the details. I promise you won't be disappointed. And to give you a little taste of what it's like, if you go to expatwisdom.com you'll be able to get 3 free videos that I've done. Ok, enough about that. As I announced on last week's shows, by popular demand I'm doing another expat wisdom seminar off the tourist trail down in Latin America so all you folks who are seriously interested just send me a short email to the expat files at gmail.com.

[26:57] I'm looking at January 15th through the 21st and that's of course just 3 short weeks after the end of the world according to the Mayan calendar. Perfect timing for a seminar don't you think? And as for my end of the world prophecy, I'm prophesizing that after December 21st there's going to be a ton of used shaman costumes on Craig's list. And a lot of shamans will have to go back to their day jobs. You know, driving taxis and selling pirated DVDs and stuff. So if you're interested in the seminar, email me at the expat files at gmail.com and I'll send you the details. You've been listening to the Expat Files, living in Latin America, coming to you each

[27:43] week from somewhere south of the border. And don't forget you can email me on anything at all about Latin America, the expat files at gmail.com. Once again, the expat files at gmail.com. See you next time. Nos vemos!