#137 – The Expat Files: Real Life in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:03] Hi everybody, I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America. The show that tells you what it's really like to live, work, play and or retire in Latin America. I tell it just like it is, not the version they give you in those glossy travel magazines or the picture they paint for you in those international traveler websites where they're only trying to sell you something. What's it really like for expats living in Latin America? Well if you stick around a while you'll find out, so let's get started. Before I get into the main body of the show today, I'd like to talk a little bit about the idiosyncrasies of the Spanish language. Some things that they never talk about in Spanish language schools and people whose principal language is Spanish never seem to talk about either. And these little oddities in the Spanish language are things that we gringles and expats finally

[00:50] question only after some years of being down here, at least some of the more observant expats question this stuff. And sometimes we just never pick up on it. Anyway, it seems at some point when we're down here we realize that some phrases and some sentences that are said in Spanish don't seem to make much sense to us at all, or are downright confusing when you do the translation to English, or vice versa. There are a lot of these sayings that Spanish people call ditchos and the Spanish word ditcho means slang. These are words and phrases that really don't make much sense at all to us but are in such common usage that people don't have a reason to even question them. But expats that have been down here a while do, like me. And some of the questions that I have about these sayings comes from the fact that Spanish speakers down here in Latin America take something that's very popular up in the English-speaking

[01:35] world, the first world, and it comes through translation in kind of a corrupted way. Or a corrupted English-language version of it ends up in common usage down here in Latin America. And when English-speaking first world people hear it, they sometimes laugh and wonder, what sort of partially illiterate buffoon first introduced that corrupted version down here in Latin America in the first place. And nobody even bothered to correct it after years of use. And a case in point is the use of the English word walk-in closet, which I've mentioned on a past show has been transmuted down here into walking closet, W-A-L-K-I-N-G closet, as if a closet could get up and start walking away. As opposed to how the phrase is really supposed to be, that's walk, W-A-L-K-I-N, walk-in closet.

[02:21] The correct usage in the way we know it up in the first world. But down here it's been corrupted into walking closet, which is used in all real estate newspapers and ads, and it doesn't matter if it's a cheap newspaper ad or a very expensive glossy real estate booklet with million-dollar homes and projects. It doesn't matter, they still have walking closets, W-A-L-K-I-N-G closets. And in that same vein, down here in Latin America, what's become very popular in the last five or ten years is the existence of VIP rooms. Whether they're in airports, concert halls, or in bars and restaurants. And down here, you even see VIP rooms in churches. Yeah, that's right, in churches, especially evangelical churches, as if God knows the difference between a VIP worshipper and your average slug coming off a bender who needs

[03:07] a little shelter from the cold. Yes, folks, until I came down to Latin America, I didn't know there were VIP rooms in churches. I suppose pretty soon that means they'll be putting in sky boxes too. Oh, and by the way, down here in Latin America, folks, I have to tell you, evangelical churches, you know, the kind where the pastors are loaded, where sunglasses have bodyguards and big fleets of bulletproof cars, well, that's in full swing down here in Latin America too. In fact, these days, the biggest, richest churches in Latin America are not those big old colonial Catholic churches and cathedrals that have been around here for 400 years or so, but these gigantic new post-modern evangelical jobs that look like Superdome stadiums. And those are the churches that have those VIP rooms. And I kid you not, folks, when I say the evangelical movement has landed down here

[03:52] in a massive way. Yep, it's one of the newest first world growth industries down here. I can just hear those slick evangelical preachers talking in the back room. Well, it's like this, Reverend Jim Bob. I analyzed this situation. Those Latin American people may be poor and stupid and they don't speak no English, but there's a half a billion of them. So we'll give them the word of the Lord in Spanish. And by the way, what kind of money do those heathens use over there anyway? Yep, those slick evangelical preachers have landed, primarily stealing off those fallen away Catholics. But as of now, Catholics still rule down here and they make up about 85% of the population. And as of now, the evangelicals have cut into the Catholic group by about 10%, but they're growing by leaps and bounds. And the fact is, one of the richest and most extravagant evangelical churches in the world

[04:39] is located in Central America, and it's run by a pastor who actually has a first name. Now get this, cash. That's his first name. Cash. C-A-S-H. And may Buddha strike me dead if I'm lying. His first name really is cash. C-A-S-H. As in cash money. Now, you think that might be a coincidence? I don't think so. Not when you see this guy. He's got the $1,000 suits, the fleet of cars, the bodyguards, and I've been told he even has a helicopter at his disposal. I guess that's one way to get around with the angels at your back and godspeed. Yeah, he's a mighty wealthy sucker, all right? And you wonder how he got that way. Especially since Latin American countries are third world countries, and more than half the population down here lives on less than $3 a day. Well, I guess he needs the money more than they do.

[05:24] You know, for custom made suits and bodyguards and gas for that fleet of Mercedes SUVs. Oh, and I forgot to tell you, collections must be up, because down here, one huge evangelical denomination is in the process of building the largest church in Latin America, down in Guatemala. And they did stop construction on it a few months ago, when two construction workers fell to their deaths when working on the roof, which is about 200 feet off the ground. But I guess all was not lost, because the average guy in the street down here figures they went straight to heaven. Talk about extended job benefits. And you know, when talking about business opportunities for expats, I always talk about lag time. And down here, the evangelical church followed that lag time business model, too. 20 years ago, you could barely find a single one, and now they're everywhere. And if you want to find out who the pastor is in any one of these evangelical congregations,

[06:12] just look for the guy with the Rolex that's real. Oh, and by the way, you know how you can tell the difference between a real Rolex and a fake one? Just check out the second hand. As it sweeps across the face of the watch, if it's smooth and doesn't jerk from one second to the next, there's a very good chance that it's a real Rolex. But if the second hand sweeps across, clicking from second to second, then it's a standard cheap old quartz movement, and definitely a fake Rolex. I guess I'm done beating up on those evangelical churches for now. And who knows, if times get tough, maybe I'll start one up myself. I mean, they certainly look like a sure thing down here. And if you're wondering why I even mentioned them at all, it's because up in the first world, when a sucker and his money are parted, he still has a home and a car and a refrigerator full of food to go back to.

[06:58] Those evangelical movements and TV preachers up in the first world, no matter how insincere and bogus they are, they generally only ask for 10% of their faithful followers' income for the so-called tithing. And 10%, well, that's not going to send anybody to the poor house. Not up in the first world. But down here in Latin America, where, like I said, the average person lives on less than three bucks a day, all I can say is that it's a pretty sad state of affairs. When you see these evangelical guys building these gigantic churches and driving around in bulletproof SUVs, basically stealing milk money from the wretched poor. And even though they say there's a sucker born every minute, the poor down here are at a horrendous disadvantage when those slick evangelical guys come around. A poor Latin guy with less than a high school education, well, a guy like that's just no match at all.

[07:44] And the average Latin American has only about a seventh grade education, which by itself sets up a very uneven playing field, doesn't it? At least up in the first world, if you send a check to the midnight preacher, chances are you'll still have enough money left in your wallet after that to order a pizza and a six-pack of beer. Whereas these evangelical jerks down here are targeting people that don't even get the minimum adult calorie intake. So in the case of evangelical preachers down here, that's the gringo advantage put to despicable use. Oh, and by the way, down here in Latin America, if you have cable TV, you also get about five or ten extremely amateurishly produced 24-hour religious stations too, just like you get up in the first world. In Spanish, of course. And yes, they have their eight and nine hundred numbers so that the average working stiff down here can donate part of his $300 a month average wage

[08:32] to some slick talker in a Pierre Cardin suit with a real Rolex and a diamond ring on his pinky finger. But like I said, Latin folks love everything and anything first world, including the very worst that we have to offer, like those slick evangelical sleaze bags, championship wrestling, body piercing, gold front teeth, and the Kardashians, to name just a few. But where was I? Oh yeah, I was talking about strange occurrences when it comes to the Spanish language. Man, how did I get so sidetracked off of that subject? Anyway, we were talking about corrupt or perverted English words or twisted translations that we don't pick up on till we learn quite a bit about the Latin culture. For example, I mentioned VIP lounges and VIP sections in bars, discos, restaurants, and concerts, and evangelical churches, which is how I got started on that rant.

[09:19] Anyway, there doesn't seem to us to be anything strange about VIP rooms. We're used to them. But here's a strange thing in regards to the letters VIP when it comes to the Spanish language. Now, everybody and his brother down here in Latin America knows what a VIP section is. It's the place everyone wants to be because they know the commoners aren't sitting or hanging around there. Only the important somebody is the privileged and people with money. Like I said, it's an exclusive place where the commoners aren't generally allowed, unless, for example, they have the extra pesos to get an upgrade, which usually never happens. The commoners, or as they're known in Spanish, los corrientes, corriente meaning commoner, always buy the cheap seats because they can't afford the VIP section. And by the way, if you're down in Latin America and you call someone corriente, it is sort of an insult, kind of like calling someone white trash.

[10:05] But it is used all the time, but mostly as a personal insult behind someone's back, like calling someone who just spit out the window a scumbag. Anyway, like I said, everyone down here in Latin America knows what a VIP section is. But here's the strange thing about it. If you ask a Latin person what the letters VIP mean, nobody, and I mean nobody, has ever given me the correct answer. Because the letters VIP stand for very important person in English, not Spanish. And if you translate that English phrase, very important person, into Spanish, you get personas muy importante. And those initials would be PMI. But you don't see VIP sections labeled PMI down here, although that would be completely logical, an exact translation of very important persons.

[10:50] Instead, they'd rather copy the way we label expensive seats, exactly the way we do in English, even though they don't have any idea what those letters mean. And the only Latins that just might know what it means, though I haven't come across any yet, are people that grew up in very wealthy families, went to private bilingual schools, and visited the United States a lot. Enough to have heard that phrase in English a number of times, very important people, which we all have if we live up in the first world. So just know that if you're ever in Latin America, and you go into a bar and there's a VIP section, everybody standing around would sure like to be in there. But I guarantee you, unless maybe you're in a big tourist town, none of the locals is going to have a clue as to what those letters stand for. And here's another strange way Spanish speakers use their language. And it takes an expat down here a long while to figure it out. Because, well, to us, it just doesn't make sense and it never will.

[11:37] And here's how it goes. Picture a Latin brother and sister sitting down talking to each other, and suddenly one of their phones ring. And let's say the brother picks it up, and it's their mother on the phone talking to him. And when they finish talking, he hangs up the phone, and his sister says to him, who was that on the phone? And he says, me mama, which of course means my mother, me mama. But to us English speakers, that translation seems completely wrong. Because if you were sitting in a room with your brother or your sister up in Cleveland, and your phone rang and it was your mother, and then you hung up, and your brother or sister said to you, who was that on the phone? You'd say it was our mother, our mother, not my mother. Because naturally you have the same mother, so it's our mother. But in Latin American countries, the etiquette is completely different. And sometimes it just doesn't make sense to us first-worlders. I mean, wouldn't it sound odd if the phone rang and it was your mother,

[12:26] and your sister was sitting in the same room. And when you hung up, she said, who's that? And you said, my mother. She'd say, what do you mean your mother? That's my mother too. That's our mother, you dope. And I guess if you look at it from a Latin viewpoint, when they hear one of us say that's our mother on the phone, they just have to think we're using screwed up phone etiquette too. By their standards, of course. And speaking of phone etiquette in Latin America, here's a strange case for you that almost never seems to go down well with gringos. In fact, when you translate it to English, it almost seems rude. And here's how it goes. When one Latin American person dials up another, the person on the receiving end always picks up the phone and says, hello. Well, I take that back. They don't exactly say hello, like we say it. Instead of saying hello, they say alo, as if there was an A in front of the word instead of an H.

[13:13] So anyway, the person receiving the call picks up the phone and says, alo, or alo, if he's having a bad day. And Latins are easy going. And even if they're having a bad day, they're always polite and almost never let on how bad things really are. You almost always get that nice, soft alo. And here's the strange part that gringos don't get. The caller won't say like we do, is patricia there? Or may I speak to patricia please? Instead, the caller will say con patricia. That's con patricia. Maybe with a por favor after it, if they're being really polite. And con patricia just means with patricia. Because con, C-O-N, in Spanish means with, W-I-T-H, in English. So in effect, the caller is saying with patricia. And oddly enough, that's the first thing that comes out of the caller's mouth.

[14:00] With patricia. Now imagine if you did that up in the first world. The phone rings, you say hello, and the person at the other end says, with Johnny. Not can I talk to Johnny or is Johnny there please? But with Johnny. You know, if you read that off of a page, it would sound dyslexic now, wouldn't it? With Johnny. Or it might sound like a kindergarten kid on the phone. But anyway, that's telephone etiquette down here in Latin America. Oh, and by the way, when you call a business down in Latin America, a lot of times they'll answer the phone by saying, a la orden. Which means at your service. Or technically, at your order. Because orden means order. And I guess if you were working at a business up in Cleveland, and you answered the phone like that, saying at your service. Actually, I think that would be pretty cool now, wouldn't it? In fact, I'd kind of like to hear some first world workers say that to me sometime. At your service, sir.

[14:46] That would sound cool, wouldn't it? It reminds me of how people used to talk in those old 1950s film noir movies. Those black and white jobs. Remember those? But there's one thing about Latin phone etiquette that drives first world people nuts. Including me. Every gringo has this complaint once he's been down here enough to figure out what it's all about. And it always goes something like this. Your phone rings, you pick it up and say hello, and the person at the other end, the guy who called, who you don't know from Adam, says, quien habla. Which in English means technically who's talking or who is this. Now the reason why us expats don't like that phone convention is this. Here's some person's calling you, you answer it and he's asking you who you are. When in fact, it should be the reverse. You should be asking him who he is because he called. And every Latin American answers that question quite politely.

[15:32] And answers for example, soy Julio. Which means I'm Julio. Julio talking, basically. But up north where we come from, you're not obliged to answer the question, who are you? When someone phones up and you might not even know him from Adam. I mean imagine you're up in Cleveland, the phone rings, you say hello and the guy says, who is this? I mean you'd be well within your rights to say, hey, who in the hell are you? You called me, I didn't call you. And you'd be well within your rights if you said, I don't give my name out to any old jerk that calls up out of the blue and asks for it. But up in Cleveland, you never have to resort to being crude on the phone like that. Because no one's going to phone up and say, who is this? First they're going to say, hi, this is Johnny. Can I please speak to Joe? Or, hi, this is Johnny, is Joe there? Because up in the first world, we always introduce ourselves first when we make a phone call.

[16:18] Then we ask for the person we want to talk to. If we call somebody and said, who is this? As soon as that person answered the phone, then it'd just be too rude. And they just might hang up on you. But that's proper phone etiquette down here in Latin America. And something that a lot of expats just can't get used to. But by far, for me, one of the strangest things that happens with Spanish language is when you're at a birthday party. Because you see, just like up in Cleveland, the folks at the party always sing happy birthday to the guest of honor. And the music to that happy birthday song is exactly the same as it is up in the first world. And here's the strange thing. They always sing the first verse of happy birthday exactly like we do in English. They don't translate it to Spanish at all. And because they sing that first verse in English, they have no real idea what the words mean. So they always start out like we do.

[17:04] With the happy birthday to you bit, you know? What a voice, huh? So far so good. But when that second verse comes around, they don't sing that second verse that we all know. You know, the how old are you bit? And you think they would because they sang the first part in English, right? The happy birthday part. And for a second, you think they're going to sing that how old are you bit in English like they did the first verse. Or maybe they'll do the second verse in Spanish because that would be logical, right? But if you thought that, you'd be wrong. Here's what they sing instead to the music of happy birthday, of course. And what do you think that means?

[17:51] Nope. It doesn't mean how old are you. Nope. It's not that logical. Instead, what that translates to in English is now we want cake. Now we want cake. Now we want cake. Now we want cake. I know what you're thinking. Johnny, don't quit your day job, right? Well, actually, I can't quit my day job because I don't have one. So folks, it beats me and every other gringo how they ended up with a screwed up birthday song like that. Half of it in English that they don't understand. The second half in Spanish that has absolutely nothing to do with the original song that they stole directly from first world birthday parties. And you know, I'm not complaining about the fact that that song ended up the way it did down here because it really doesn't matter because you're supposed to be having fun at a birthday party and it's a sing along, right? But the interesting thing is how a hugely popular first world song ended up down here

[18:39] and how like so many things that Latins try to bring down from the first world, it got screwed up and kind of corrupted along the way. And the only ones that really see that are gringos and expats like me who've been down here a while and who are pretty good observers of the local culture. But no matter when I'm at a birthday party, I just give in and sing with the crowd like everyone else, even though sometimes I just like to stop the presses and give these guys a real first world music lesson. But I'm no party pooper. Oh, and speaking of party poopers, at Latin American birthday parties and other happy events, there just are no party poopers. Everybody's laughing and having a great old time. These people have more fun at a simple little birthday party than I've ever seen anyone have at a party up in the first world. And they don't have to get sloppy drunk to do it either. Though there is always that drunken uncle in the family.

[19:25] And even so, they're almost always good time Charlie drunks. You know, happy drunks. And you know what always seems more than a bit ironic? When first world newspapers and the media have those annual happiness surveys, in first world places like the United States, Europe, Japan and Australia, always fall well below third world Latin American countries who seem to be the happiest of all. Even though the average working person only makes about 300 bucks a month, and a huge segment of the population lives on less than three bucks a day. So how could people who would be considered in abject poverty up in the first world be so damn happy? Well, I used to think no brains, no headaches, because less than 3% of the population in Latin America has a college education. Whereas 20 to 30% of the people in the first world do. But now I know it's not that simple. Especially since I've met a lot of first world people

[20:12] with college and even advanced degrees that are practically vegetables. In fact, I've got a few friends and relatives back in Chicago that fit that description. And I think my crazy friend Expat Eddie is a little closer to the answer with his explanation. He says that the Latin American poor and middle classes are so damn happy because they get up at the birds, eat a much healthier breakfast than we do. They have to eat natural because they can't afford pre-packaged junk food, like granola bars and Egg McMuffins. And they walk a couple of miles a day because they don't have cars. And when they get home at night, they don't lock themselves in their rooms, surf the net and play Grand Theft Auto, because most of them don't have a decent computer with an internet connection. So every night when the kids get home from school and the parents get home from work, there's quite a lot of good old family interaction. Latin families actually see, talk, sit and communicate together.

[21:01] And they even have dinner together on a regular daily basis. Kind of like family life back in Cleveland in the 50s and 60s. And then guess what? After dinner something strange happens. Since less than 1% of Latin families have an automatic garbage disposal or dishwasher, the women folk in the family actually take turns washing and drying the dishes. Again, just like the 50s and 60s back in Montana. And though to some of you first world women up there that might sound sexist, maybe socially it's a good thing. You know, mothers and daughters spending a little quality time together around the sink. Boy, am I gonna get clobbered with emails on that one. Anyway, so Eddie says the reasons why middle and lower class Latins are so happy is because they eat right, they get a lot of exercise and the family is still a cohesive unit. Oh and by the way, in case you didn't know it, divorce is still a sort of a stigma down here

[21:49] in Latin America. People still have a pretty dim view of it so it doesn't happen much. In fact, the divorce statistics down in Latin America are just about at the same level as they were up in the states back in the 1960s and 70s. But expat Eddie says the biggest reason why he thinks that Latin people are so happy, and I think he's right about this by the way, is that because they don't have much money they enjoy the little pleasures in life. Like an amusement park ride or an ice cream cone or a simple street parade. Yes, believe it or not, people still turn out in throngs to parades down here, even though your standard parade wouldn't capture the attention of a first world kid for a nanosecond. But down here, everybody turns out for a parade. It's a big event. And guess what? It's free. I tell you, people are easily amused down here, which is probably another reason why they're so happy.

[22:34] And during weekdays when schools let out, you can drive through any city in Latin America and see dozens of little soccer matches taking place in fields and alleys and backyards. All these kids need is a ball and they can keep themselves occupied for hours. And you know, it used to be like that up in the first world some years ago, before computers, video games, and the internet. Kids would actually go out after supper and play baseball, basketball, and football. And that just doesn't happen much anymore, does it? Except maybe in the ghetto. Now it's all about grand theft, auto, Facebook, Twitter, text messaging, and iPhone apps. And here's another thing Exped Eddie says about why he thinks Latins are so happy. He says Sundays in Latin America are like Sundays used to be back in the 1960s in the United States. Back then, most stores were closed and everybody just really did relax on Sundays.

[23:20] It truly was a day of rest. It actually was a day for the family when people did things together, whether it was church or a picnic or a big Sunday meal with the whole family present. Well, it's been a long time since that was a tradition up in the first world, but it still is common practice down here. Families down here actually go bowling on Sundays or to a park or the zoo. Even though most people don't have a car, they'll hop on the bus early in the morning and go visit relatives out on the farm or have friends over or folks in from out of town. Down in Latin America, Sunday is family day, for the middle and lower classes that is. But as for that upper and upper middle class 5%, well guess what? In their efforts to become just like first world gringos and gringas, and the way they accumulate stuff like we do, even worthless stuff, they've also managed to achieve a certain level of unhappiness that they never had before.

[24:07] Because like they say, the more you have, the more you have to worry about. And the same thing also works in reverse, which is why the huge majority of expats and gringos that live down here in Latin America, the ones that I've come in contact and met anyway, well they always seem to be genuinely much more happy than their counterparts up in St. Louis. And like expat Eddie says, if gringos and first worlders who live down here didn't ditch their stress and up their happiness factor, there'd be no point in living down here, they'd just go back to Detroit and tough it out. Because really, what's the point of moving down to Latin America if you're going to be just as unhappy and as stressed as you were when you were on that treadmill up in the first world? And all right granted, maybe you don't consider yourself miserable, stressed and unhappy up in the first world right now, and you're wondering what the hell I'm talking about. But to tell you the truth, I can't tell you how many permanent expats I've talked to,

[24:56] who reluctantly admit that, only after they'd been down here a while, that they realized what kind of stale and incomplete life they were living up in the first world. They had the blinders on, which is a pretty common way to survive up in the first world, especially when you've been at it a long time and you realize there's no alternative. And I say that based on the fact that 90% of the long-term expats I meet down here admit that they hated their jobs up in the first world, something that they'd never admit when they actually lived up in the first world and were still on that treadmill. And to tell you the truth, when I lived back up in the States, I was in denial about it for a long time too. You figure when you're working a job and you're making good money, you think you've actually made it in life. Especially when your family and everyone around you tells you how good you have it. And every time that little thought creeps into your mind that you don't like your job or you actually hate it,

[25:42] you know when you get those Sunday afternoon blues, knowing that you're going to have to face the music come Monday morning, well that's how a lot of people I know up in the first world ended up as weekend drunks, or worse. And for those guys, jumping ship and moving to Latin America was the farthest thing from their minds. It wasn't even on the radar. Well I mean even if you don't actually hate your job and you just think it's boring and you're going nowhere, normally you just keep your mouth shut and take it like a man or a woman because nobody likes a complainer. And like Eddie says, that's why God invented whiskey. And if you think I'm being a little harsh and you doubt some of the generalizations I'm making about first world people right now, well let me ask you this question. This Sunday night before you go to bed, can you look at yourself in the mirror and say, I love my job and I want to get up at 6 in the morning and conquer the world. So I'm asking, does that job you have really define you and round out your life?

[26:31] Are you a better person for it? Is it the thing that helps make you that smiling happy person you are on the weekend? Hmm, well as for me, I don't think I've met two people in my life that can say that. I sure couldn't. And because of that, when I lived up in the first world, I wasn't such a happy camper. But I found out over 20 years ago, when I took my first long vacation to Latin America, that for me it was the best stress reliever and high blood pressure remedy in the world. And you know what? I never get the Sunday afternoon blues. Not anymore, I haven't had that feeling in over 20 years. Neither does Exped Eddie, or any other long term Exped I know that's living down here. In fact, my dad used to say, when a person retires, he's not truly retired until he occasionally forgets what day it is. And Exped Eddie says, you're not truly an Exped

[27:16] until you occasionally forget what week it is, and sometimes even what month it is. And me and Eddie reached that state a long time ago. But it could be Eddie's Alzheimer's kicking in. And by the way, I don't mean to say that Latins don't hate their jobs. But the thing is, even if they do, they know how to stay happy. You've been listening to The Exped Files, living in Latin America, coming to you each week from somewhere south of the border. And don't forget, you can email me on anything at all about Latin America. The Exped Files at gmail.com. Once again, The Exped Files at gmail.com. See you next time on Spamos.