Episode Summary
In this episode, Johnny Mueller explores the legal and cultural landscape of Latin America, providing a comprehensive look at the region's unique challenges and opportunities. He begins by discussing the legal landscape, contrasting it with the first world. He highlights the lack of a litigious culture in Latin America, the low number of lawyers who actually get jobs, and the societal reluctance to sue. Johnny explains the economic and legal challenges that make suing in Latin America impractical, such as the lack of deep pockets, the slow court system, and the prevalence of informal work.
He then moves on to discuss wage garnishment in Latin America, highlighting the differences between countries like Argentina, Chile, and Costa Rica, which have more robust legal systems, and the rest of the region, where enforcement is weak. Johnny notes that in many Latin American countries, even with a court judgment, there is little to no enforcement, making it difficult for individuals to collect child support or other debts. He contrasts this with the United States, where garnishment is more effective. Johnny also shares a personal anecdote from his visit to Costa Rica in the early 1980s, describing the lack of basic amenities like beach chairs and umbrellas, and how he envisioned starting a hot dog stand business there due to the low overhead and high potential for profit.
Next, Johnny discusses the concept of 'lag time' in the context of expat opportunities and the perception of professions like law in Latin America. He highlights how simple, first-world ideas take time to reach Latin America, often leading to opportunities for expats. He contrasts the reputation of lawyers in the first world with their more positive image in Latin America, where they are respected and not associated with the negative stereotypes common in the U.S. and other Western countries.
He then moves on to discuss the differences in legal billing practices between the United States and Latin America. He highlights that U.S. lawyers bill by the hour, leading to high fees for lawyers while their staff earns significantly less. In contrast, Latin American lawyers often use a set fee system, which he suggests is more transparent and less exploitative. He also mentions that in tourist areas of Latin America, some lawyers have adopted U.S. billing practices, while in non-tourist areas, the set fee model is more common. Johnny further describes the role of 'tramitadores,' who handle legal paperwork and navigate bureaucratic systems, often using bribes to expedite processes. He criticizes the inefficiencies and redundancies in Latin American bureaucracy, which he attributes to a Spanish legacy of archaic systems.
Johnny then discusses the inefficiencies and bureaucratic challenges in Latin America, using the example of government offices and the associated informal economy that has developed around them. He highlights the lack of maintenance for technology, the resulting inefficiencies, and the impact on productivity. He also touches on the irony that even the United States has similar bureaucratic lines, suggesting that the issue is not unique to Latin America.
The episode transitions into a discussion about the bureaucratic challenges faced by Latin Americans trying to obtain U.S. visas, highlighting the long lines and repeated visits required. He also comments on the informal economy that has developed around these lines, including the sale of food and pirated goods. The segment transitions into a discussion about the Mayan prophecy and its impact on tourism in Mexico and Central America, noting how the prophecy has become a significant cultural and economic phenomenon despite its lack of historical accuracy. Johnny contrasts this with his personal experience 20 years ago, when the Mayan culture was largely unknown and the sites were not as popular or commercialized.
Finally, Johnny humorously comments on the cultural and spiritual trends in certain regions of the United States, particularly Sedona and Humboldt County, which are known for their New Age and alternative spiritual practices. He mocks the idea of a specific date for the end of the world, suggesting that those who believe in such prophecies should look for a different date. He then shifts to a more practical prediction, suggesting that in January 2013, there will be a surge in the availability of cheap shaman outfits on Craigslist, likely due to the popularity of New Age and spiritual practices. The segment ends with a call to action for listeners to email Johnny with questions about Latin America and a reminder of the show's website.
Topics
Legal landscape in Latin America, Comparison with the first world legal system, Societal reluctance to sue, Economic and legal challenges in suing, Wage garnishment in Latin America, Legal enforcement in Latin American countries, Personal anecdotes from Johnny Mueller's travels, Business opportunities in Costa Rica, Lag time in expat opportunities, Perception of professions in Latin America, Comparison of first-world and third-world business practices, Reputation of lawyers in different regions
Chapters
00:00:00 Opening 00:00:33 Johnny's commentary on the legal profession in Latin America 00:01:13 Johnny's discussion on the lack of a litigious culture in Latin America 00:02:29 Johnny's explanation of the reasons behind the non-litigious society in Latin America 00:04:31 Wage Garnishment in Latin America: A Comparative Analysis 00:06:09 Advantages for Expats: A Business Opportunity in Latin America 00:09:20 The Dream of a Tropical Beach Life 00:09:59 The Lag Time of Simple Ideas 00:11:57 The Gringo Advantage and Opportunity Window 00:12:47 The Changing Reputation of Lawyers 00:13:50 Legal Billing Practices in the U.S. vs. Latin America 00:14:27 The Complexity of Legal Fees in the First World 00:14:42 Set Fees in Latin America 00:15:31 Tourist vs. Non-Tourist Legal Practices 00:15:50 Strange Idiosyncrasies in Dealing with Latin American Lawyers 00:18:22 The Tramitador and the Lag Time for First-World Products 00:18:50 The Reality of Technology in Latin America 00:20:20 The Entrenched Nature of Bureaucracy 00:22:13 The Irony of Bureaucracy in the United States 00:22:54 The Bureaucratic Line and Its Consequences 00:24:17 The Mayan Prophecy and Tourism Boom 00:27:17 Mocking New Age Beliefs in Sedona and Humboldt County 00:27:27 Prediction of Cheap Shaman Outfits on Craigslist in 2013
Transcript
Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.
[00:03] Hi everybody, I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to The Expat Files, living in Latin America. The show that tells you what it's really like to live, work, play and or retire in Latin America. I tell it just like it is, not the version they give you in those glossy travel magazines, or the picture they paint for you in those international traveler websites, where they're only trying to sell you something. What's it really like for expats living in Latin America? Well, it's time to take off those rose colored glasses and find out. So let's get started. Sometimes down here in Latin America you have to wonder why anyone would want to be a lawyer at all. In fact, you have to wonder why anyone would want to be a lawyer up in the first world. Especially since up in the first world I've been reading lately, that the majority of lawyers who graduate never really get a job in their own field.
[00:49] The field as we know is just way too crowded, they're pumping them out like crazy, up in the first world anyway. And of course that's why there's so many ambulance chasers, class action lawsuits and TV ads encouraging everyone to sue everyone, whether you stub your toe in a McDonald's parking lot or get a cherry pit in your pie. So what's it like down here in Latin America as far as lawyers are concerned? Well, thankfully there's a huge lag down here in everything, like I've mentioned before, and the cult of suing just hasn't arrived down here yet. In fact I've never seen a late night TV ad with a single lawyer in it yet advising you to sue, sue, sue. That, and the fact that the average person doesn't have insurance on his car or his house, which means there are very few deep pockets to go after and no one to settle with. And that means lawyers are in very low gear down here, compared to the shysters we're
[01:35] used to up in the first world. Along with the fact that down here in Latin America people are just much more friendly in general. And people are much more likely to work out their differences over a cup of coffee and a sit down on the front porch. So for that and a few more reasons. People down here are very reluctant to sue. And lawyers definitely don't push it. In fact you often hear the term amable thrown around, amable, which translates to amiable in Spanish, or kind. In fact you hear it all the time, someone will say, that person is muy amable, which is very kind, very amiable. It's a general description you hear about almost everyone, including, you guessed it, lawyers. Down here when you ask someone about a person you don't know or about the personality of someone you're about to meet, what you'll often hear is somebody say, oh Julio, well
[02:22] he's a man that's very kind, un hombre muy amable. And you know what, people don't go around suing people who are muy amable. And there are some other reasons why the society isn't a litigious society at all. And one of those is the fact that lawyers generally advise their clients not to sue. Now I ask you, have you ever heard that from a lawyer up in the States? Fat chance, huh? Now it's not that the lawyers down here wouldn't want the business, that they wouldn't want to sue somebody if they could. The fact is, most people don't have any money in the bank. It's a society that just doesn't save. So if you take the average guy to court in Latin America, if you win the case, the guy you're suing has very little for you to get. Not to mention court cases, even the smallest ones, can drag on for six months or even a year. In every single country down here, they're so far behind on the court schedule, unless
[03:08] you have a really rock solid case against a guy who's got money, there's almost no point in filing against them. And of course, you hear all the time about the US, and that people up there don't save either. Well, if you do end up suing someone up in the United States, he's usually got a homeowners or a workmen's comp policy or somebody that's going to pony up for him, if he loses a civil lawsuit for damages, that is. And even if he doesn't have insurance coverage, well, he's got a car or a house or something. Things of value, anyway, that the court can put a lien on. Well, down here in Latin America, did you ever see the average guy's house? I'm talking about the over 50% of Latin Americans who live on 300 bucks or 400 bucks a month. And I'm talking about your average family of four here. Now, what I'm saying is, if you walked into the average Latin American's house, there's almost nothing in that house that's in good enough condition that you'd want to spend
[03:54] the time and the money to go to court and sue him for. I mean, if you had some kind of financial claim against him, anyway. And as far as bringing a suit against someone down here and garnishing his wages, well, first of all, about 20% to 30% of the population down here works off the books, so they work for cash, or they don't work for a legitimate employer, or they're their own boss in the gray market. So there's just no way to even file the papers for a garnishment. So that means about 30% of the population in Latin America is just about untouchable in a lawsuit. Not that they'd have anything worth your time to sue for, anyway. And if a guy with a legit job and a legit employer does get sued and loses, and the court does garnish his wages, well, it's not like up in the first world. There's no court order that says the guy's employer has to send an automatic payment to the court, and they'll disperse the funds accordingly to the guy who won the suit.
[04:42] Well, that just doesn't happen. Except when you talk about Argentina, Chile, and Costa Rica. Since those three countries are trying so hard to be first world, in a big brother and tax sense, of course, I understand now that if you garnish a person's wages there, it's just about as ironclad as a wage garnishment in the United States. But in the rest of the 15 or so Latin American countries, there's no teeth at all in a garnishment action down here. In fact, divorced women with children are going to court all the time down here, just like in the first world, to get some kind of garnishment on the ex-husband's wages for child support that he hasn't been paying. Yep, that old deadbeat dad thing is alive and well down here. In fact, it's probably three or even four times worse than it is up in the first world since they get away with it even if there is a judgment against them.
[05:28] And guess what? The court readily awards those judgments. But when the guy doesn't pay, which is almost always the case, nothing ever happens. There's no sheriff knocking on the door, ready to drag the guy back into court or even throw him in the slammer. It's kind of like the way it was back in the 50s, 60s, and 70s in the United States, before garnishment of wages became a real threat to deadbeat dads, which once again is another example of that lag time phenomena down here in Latin America, where everything that happens up in the first world eventually gets down here, but it could take anywhere from six months to 30 years to actually get a solid foothold down here. And I don't have to tell you that that lag phenomena doesn't have some really great aspects to it too. Well, that's a huge advantage for any expat that wants to come down here and start a business.
[06:14] And a good example of that is Costa Rica, about 25 or 30 years ago when I first went down just on a visit to explore, two weeks as a tourist. At that point, I hadn't decided yet to move down to Latin America, but I was checking things out. Now you have to recognize that this was in the early 80s, way before the big tourist boom in Costa Rica, way before anybody was promoting it. In fact, it reminds me almost exactly of a lot of other Latin American countries that are off the radar right now, like Guatemala, Nicaragua, Honduras, Bolivia, Panama, and Ecuador. Right now, these countries are like Costa Rica was 25 or 30 years ago, and that's why I recommend them instead of Costa Rica. Anyway, on my very first trip to Costa Rica in the early 80s, I checked out a lot of beaches
[07:00] down there, and I realized I couldn't even rent a simple plastic beach chair and an umbrella to keep myself out of the sun. I'm one of those light-skinned guys of German ancestry, and I've got some relatives with skin cancers and stuff from too much sun, so you can understand where I'm coming from. Anyway, with no beach chairs or umbrellas to rent, I actually went to the grocery store and bought a couple of cheap plastic ones and gave them both away to a Canadian tourist on the beach once my vacation was over. Even though the tourist business was just starting to take off back then, the locals weren't even tuned in enough to put two and two together and rent out some cheap plastic beach chairs and umbrellas to stupid gringos for five or ten bucks a day. And you know what? When I was down there sitting on those beaches some 25 or 30 years ago, you know what instantly flashed into my mind?
[07:46] Hot dog stand. Man, there were little tiny restaurants along the beach, and people coming by trying to sell you tacos and enchiladas and all that, and coca colas and popsicles out of coolers. But nobody was selling the cheapest, simplest thing in the world. A simple hot dog in a bun with some mustard and ketchup. Now not that the hot dog is brain food or anything, I mean I don't eat him myself. Yuck. Not since I went through that Oscar Meyer Wiener factory in Chicago and saw how they get that nice brown color. And by the way, do you know how they do that? Well hot dogs come off the line pure white like a piece of lard, and then they dip them in a vat of dye and they come out looking like, well, the color of hot dogs. So even if they kill you just a little bit slower than an M16, they're an absolute staple
[08:31] and fast food favorite at every beach in the first world. And I was thinking back then, on that Costa Rican beach about 25, 30 years ago, god, all I gotta do is go to one of those food conventions in Chicago where they sell self-contained stainless steel grills and broilers and outdoor mobile carts and stuff. Well all I gotta do is drop a few grand on a little unit like that, bring it down to Costa Rican beach, and set myself up as the hot dog man, along with a few plastic, cheap beach chairs and umbrellas, and hell. On beach chair rentals alone, which is zero overhead after you bought this stuff, right? I figured I could make about 10 times the average Costa Rica daily wage, just sitting on my duff and watching those bikini-clad girls walk down the beach. And you know, hot dog man is not a very glamorous profession. But talk about the no stress good life, especially since every first world business guy gets
[09:20] to a point where he says, hey, I'd just like to retire down on a tropical beach somewhere, sit under a palm tree, and suck on a pina colada or a daiquiri all day. Come on now, you expat wannabes. How many of you haven't had that thought pop into your head? At least once a week. And of course, it was a pipe dream that you get on vacation. That was my first time down there. But you can see how easy it was for even an average guy like me going down there. I picked up on an instant consumer need right away, beach chairs and hot dogs. Now how hard is that? Anyway, the long end of that story is, nowadays there's 16 or 17 hot dog vendors and a handful of beach chair and umbrella rental guys on every Costa Rican beach too. And here's the thing, it took a first world foreigner like me to think of it first, though I didn't do anything about it. And 99% of the tourists that come down who have an idea like that don't do anything about
[10:09] it either. But you get the idea when I talk about lag time. I mean, just how long it takes for a well-known, even worn out idea up in the first world to land down here in Latin America. Even ridiculously simple ideas to us first worlders. Hot dog stands, beach chairs and parasols, well, it's all about keeping it simple stupid. And like I said, that was 25 or 30 years ago. And guess what? Not so long ago I was on a very nice beach in Honduras. No hot dog stand, no beach chair rentals. And not that I wasn't in the market for hot dogs at all, I was just looking for opportunities. Oh, and another thing, when talking about those simple beach front businesses, the ones that are portable have very low inventory and overhead. And just to talk about that hot dog and beach chair example a second, well, the obvious next step, of course, once you get the thing up and running, is to hire one of the local
[10:54] boys at the local wage, of course, to run that little shoestring business the first world way, not the third world way. And it takes a first world guy like you with first world instincts to train someone to do it that way. You know, details, details, details. And that's why I'm sure the local guys, even if they do have an idea to set up a cheap little business like that, for example, beach chair rental. Well, if you've ever seen a local that runs a beach chair rental, let's say in Cancun, you'll see his chairs are raggedy, rickety, dirty around the edges, and he has them sitting out in the sun all day, baking away when they're not being used. Now, a first world guy running a business like that is going to be keeping his chairs in nice condition and out of the sun and clean. No ground in Hawaiian Tropic Lotion stains on his chairs, no way. But the local beach chair guy, well, he's probably making money, but only if there's
[11:42] no first world guy around offering a better product, and probably at a better price too. And I've given you a real example here, I'm not making this up, and it doesn't matter if your product is hot dogs or caterpillar tractors. You've got that so-called gringo advantage working for you, and the fact that there's a huge lag time for first world products and services to make it down here in Latin America. And in many cases, it's a pretty massive window of opportunity. In most cases, we're talking years, not days. Now, I started out the program today by asking the question, who would ever want to be a lawyer down in Latin America? In fact, who'd ever want to be a lawyer anywhere? Well, the truth is, lawyers don't have that bad stigma about them down here. Not at all like they do in the first world. In fact, I haven't heard a single lawyer joke down here at all. And lawyers actually hold their heads up with pride down here.
[12:29] Most of them actually like being lawyers. Again, it's all about that lag time. In fact, if you're old enough to remember back in the 50s and 60s, well, there weren't any lawyer jokes back then up in the first world either, and the reputation of lawyers. Especially that good old country lawyer was back then pretty much on par with the reputation of a good old country doctor like Dr. Kildare or Marcus Welby, if you remember those guys. Back then, when the word lawyer came up in conversation, you didn't reach for the Imodium. You didn't cringe like you do today. Back then, doctors weren't afraid to have lawyers' wives as patients. They just didn't worry about getting sued at the drop of a hat. And nowadays, ask any doctor in the first world, the worst patients you could ever have are lawyers or lawyers' wives. But back in the day, nobody worried about that.
[13:15] And in fact, when I was a kid, I never knew anybody who'd been sued. But now it seems like everybody's been involved in at least one kind of litigation or another. But that's not the case at all down here in the third world. And down here, if you talk to the average parent, he'd just love it if his kid grew up to be a doctor or a lawyer. But that's just not true up in the first world anymore, is it? So again, it's about that first world lag time. Down here, lawyers haven't got that nasty reputation that they've cultivated so well up in the first world. And down here, they don't get 150 or 200 bucks an hour either. They get more like 100 to 200 dollars a day. And get this, lawyers down here do not bill by the hour. And you know in the United States, that's all they do is bill by the hour. And that's why that select few up there makes such big bucks. Because they can bill that 150 to 200 dollars an hour while their office staff and legal
[14:03] aides are doing the real work. And that staff is usually making under 20 bucks an hour. But the billing rate is still 150 to 200. And that first world lawyer, he's just sitting back and collecting those fees. But back in the 50s, 60s, and 70s, if you're old enough to remember, the vast majority of legal charges were on a piecework basis. You know, a standard fee for a will, a trust, a divorce, a contract. But not anymore, no matter what they say. If you call up a lawyer's office and say, what's your charge for a trust or a will? Well, they might give you a base price. But they'll also tell you, if it's anything more than simple or basic, well, they begin to charge by the hour. And you know what? When you're dealing with a lawyer, nothing is ever simple or basic now, is it? Though down here in Latin America, a will, a trust, a corporation, whatever. There's always a set fee.
[14:49] And there's no reason to hate a lawyer who's got a set fee now, is there? And you know what that means, of course. When you call your lawyer on the phone down here in Latin America, you're not on the clock. But, when you call your lawyer up in the first world, it's 150 bucks an hour and someone's posting every single minute to your account. And up north, even if you don't hate your lawyer at first, you will have to get a few monthly statements. Oh, and let me repeat, I am talking about lawyers that are off the common tourist trail down here in Latin America. If you go to Panama, Costa Rica, Cancun, or any of the big tourist towns in Mexico, or South American tourist towns like Rio, well, in those places, most lawyers who speak good English have picked up a lot of those first world bad habits, like, for example, billing by the hour. And all you have to do is look at the offices and the cars they drive, and you'll know exactly
[15:36] what I'm talking about. And then look down here in the non-tourist areas, at the offices that these lawyers have and the cars they drive. Believe me, there's a big difference. And let me tell you about some of the strange idiosyncrasies when dealing with lawyers down here in Latin America. Well, in one of my previous shows, you might remember that I said every lawyer down here employs one or two guys called Tramitadores. These are guys who have motorcycles and whip around the city and do all the legwork for a lawyer. They stop at maybe a dozen government buildings a day, picking up different stamps and seals and papers and legal documents. Then with an armful of those documents, they'll whip back to the lawyer's office, drop that stuff on his or his secretary's desk, pick up another armful of that legal stuff, and head back out to all those government buildings again.
[16:22] And while they're in the streets on their motorcycles, which are virtual pieces of crap that would never pass a safety inspection in the first world, that's for sure. Anyway, while they're out doing their business, they break every single traffic law in the book. They run red lights and stop signs and they go the wrong way down one-way streets. When they have to, they ride down sidewalks and up on lawns. But there's something else that I've noticed. The other day, I was at a government building standing in line waiting to get my driver's license renewed, and I saw a tramitador pull up in his motorcycle, walk right up to the front of the line, which I'd been standing in for about 40 minutes myself, and he handed the guy in the number three spot in the line the equivalent of about $1.50 in exchange for that guy's place in line. And now, the tramitador didn't have to wait an hour in line like me.
[17:08] Instead, he'd get his legal paperwork processed in about five minutes. And in the meantime, the guy he handed the money to, the guy that was holding that place in line, he went right around back to the end of the line, and suddenly it sinks into any expat that's watching, that that's what this guy does. That's his job, to wait in line. And as he gets closer to the front, someone will come up like a tramitador or a gringo like me and pay him a buck or a buck and a half, depending how close he is to the front of the line. And by the way, everything's negotiable down here. So anyway, here's a bureaucratic nightmare of a system that's created all kinds of artificial jobs for people. Empty, unfulfilling, mindless jobs that just don't exist up in the first world, all because of a Spanish legacy of an archaic make-work bureaucracy that's been in place for a few
[17:54] hundred years. Filled with duplicates and triplicates and carbon papers and white-out, every single piece of government and legal paper loaded with stamps and seals and signatures, and what's developed over the years out of that mess, are all these strange kind of jobs that feed off that bureaucracy that just wouldn't exist if it wasn't for that Spanish system of massive redundancy that every Latin American country inherited. Case in point, the guy that makes a living standing in line all day. Case in point number two, the tramitador himself. Because you see, there is that lag time we talk about, that generally long and protracted time it takes for first world products, services, and efficiencies to finally make it down here to Latin America. And in this example, imagine if every government office had working faxes, scanners, and computers,
[18:42] and every lawyer's office had faxes, scanners, and computers too. And the operative phrase here is, faxes, scanners, and computers in working condition. Because let's not forget that all government offices and lawyers do have that kind of stuff. Even down here in Latin America, that kind of technology arrived a couple of years ago. But maintenance is a real issue because, well, maintenance just doesn't exist, like I've said so many times before. Anyway, if lawyers and government offices just sent faxes and scans back and forth, just imagine how many make-work jobs could be eliminated. And all you have to do is imagine the secondary effects of an hour-long line outside of a government building. Hour-long lines are common down here. So think of this, anyone standing in an hour-long line gets hungry, hot, and thirsty eventually. And that's why outside of every government building, right next to that line, there are
[19:33] pirated CDs, you name it. If you're in line, you're a captive audience and people are going to try to sell you things. And alongside every government line like that, there are fruit stands and tortilla sellers and even little kiosks with Xerox machines and little instant photo booths, because a good percentage of the people in the line are going to need photos and copies of the paperwork and stuff that they're bringing into that government office because it's a Latin American tradition, that governments need photocopies and triplicates of everything. So in effect, a funny little street-level capitalist world has grown up around every single government office, a microcosm of people who show up every day to sell completely unnecessary things to the public who have to feed the bureaucratic monster. And since it's been going on like this since time immemorial in Latin America, it's just
[20:20] the way things are done and no one ever questions it. And it turns out that little guy that makes a living by holding places and lines, well, guess what? That's what his father did before him. And he's got two young sons that have started doing it too. Talk about high hopes. Is that what a father means when he says to his kid, someday son, if you work hard, I have high hopes that you'll follow me into the family business. The noble job of standing in line all day and selling your place to someone who really needs it. Or not. Anyway, in a long discussion with my lawyer one day, he told me that's why the government would never dream of dismantling that system. Because any positive first world change, like technology, for instance, that comes down from the first world and gets applied to government here, always throws big quantities of people out of work. But when I tried to explain to the attorney that those jobs in front of the government
[21:09] office that are there strictly because the government is so inefficient, well, those jobs are not real work at all. But you know what? He didn't get it. In his mind, like everyone else's mind, as long as there's a demand and you have a product and you're selling it, those are jobs and technically it's good honest work. Well, it might be work, but by no stretch of the imagination, is it productive work? Nor does it help advance society in any way, shape, or form. Because if you call a guy standing in line waiting to get paid so someone could get some useless government paperwork processed, just to save time when the government itself is the thing that is the cause of that hour-long wait in line and everyone standing in that line had to take off an hour or more of work themselves just to be in that line. So all those people standing in line who lost that hour more of work, that's lost productivity
[21:55] for every one of those who had a legitimate job. That's in the toilet. So how can you tell me that the people selling things to those people in line or holding places in line for a fee are actually doing something productive and helping society advance? That's impossible. And you know what? My lawyer gave me the perfect answer. He said, that's why they call it the third world. And here's the irony of that. From where I was sitting, I could look out the window of the lawyer's office and see the American embassy about three blocks away. And outside the American embassy, I could see a long line of people about a block long waiting their turn to get in the embassy. And that block long line is there every single day of the week. And guess what? When you get in that line, you have to wait an hour or more too. And that's the line that Latin people have to stand in when they're waiting to hand
[22:41] in their applications to get a visa to go to the United States. And that's the same line that they have to stand in if they've been called back for an interview while their visa is being processed and the line they have to stand in if they've got their visa application rejected. And they're waiting in that line again to protest that decision. And some Latins have told me stories of waiting in that line for three, even four hours at a time. And once they get in the building and hand in their paperwork or get their ten minute interview, they're often asked to come back two or three more times. And guess what? They have to stand in that same line. And you guessed it. A little capitalist microcosm has grown up around that line too. Right in front of the American Embassy, people are selling tortillas and food and Coca-Cola and pirated CDs. You heard me.
[23:27] Pirated CDs. Right in front of the U.S. Embassy. Hmm. And then I turned to the lawyer and said, didn't you just say that's why they call this the Third World when I asked you about those long lines at your government buildings? And then I said, look at that line outside the American Embassy. And look at all those people selling food and Coca-Cola and CDs and all that. It's a regular little meat market out there. And all based on the fact that those poor suckers have to stand in line every day for an hour or two. And the sad thing is, 95% of those people are never going to get a visa. And then he looked at me and said, but even if they don't, every one of those guys is going to get to the States somehow. They always do. And then a lawyer gave me another funny look and he asked, what about that line at your Embassy? What do you have to say about it? It's your Embassy. And the only thing I could say was, I'd rather have a hot dog stand at the beach.
[24:14] And the lawyer didn't get it, of course, but you do, don't you? And to change the subject a little bit, now that we're in the new year, the magical, mystical 2012 year of the Mayan prophecy, Mexico and all the Central American countries, from Guatemala to Belize, Honduras, Costa Rica, all down through Panama, they're gearing up for what they believe is going to be the biggest tourism year that they've ever had. All, of course, based on that first world, new age fanaticism about the Mayan prophecy. Or should I say prophecies? In fact, I just googled books on Mayan prophecy and I came up with over 600. Can you believe that? And you know, I've been down here 20 years and I've spent about half that time in Central America where the real Mayans hung out and built their cities and pyramids. And if you don't know anything about the Mayans and don't want to Google them, just know that
[25:00] the Mayans lived in parts of Mexico and Central America and not in South America at all. Those were the Incas. Anyway, 20 years ago, when I first got down here, nobody at all was talking about the Mayan prophecy. In fact, no one had even heard of it. There were no National Geographic specials on it, no pamphlets, no tourism brochures mentioning it. In fact, even if you went to one of the big Mayan ruin sites like Patan or Tulum or Chichen Itza, you couldn't really find a single local person who knew a thing about Mayan culture. Only the serious died in the wool archeologists and local indigenous people trained to give tourists know anything about the Mayan culture at all. And here's another fact, 20 years ago when I first came down and I took in all those sites, they were absolutely not crowded at all. In fact, some of them were so devoid of tourists that you could stand in a central Mayan square
[25:50] facing the biggest pyramid and let loose with a dozen rounds from a shotgun and not hit anybody. You wouldn't even come close. And talk about Mayan medicine men and shamans. Well, back then, 20 years ago, there was just no such thing. The common word from the archeologists was that the Mayans in general all died off or just disappeared some five or six hundred years ago, including the shamans and the medicine men. Now, flash forward about 20 years. When you go to one of those sites like Chichen Itza or Patan, these days any tourist for 75 bucks can hook up with a bonafide medicine man slash shaman who'll perform a nice little ceremony at night in the jungle, in full regalia, chanting away with incense burning in the jungle by campfire, guaranteed to resurrect some of those old ancient dead Mayan spirits.
[26:36] All, of course, the shamans' close blood relatives. And nowadays, these guys even have their own websites and they're even on Google and you can make reservations up in Cleveland before you come down. And, of course, they all take Visa, MasterCard, and PayPal. But the question no one seems to ask is this, how come 20 years ago or so there weren't any Mayans around? No shamans, no medicine man websites taking Visa or MasterCard? Wasn't it James Earl Jones that once said, build a pyramid and they will come? Or something like that? I forget. Anyway, here's my prediction for 2012. When December 21st, 2012 comes around and the world and all its people are still here, those shamans and those medicine men will go back to their day jobs as cab drivers and shoe repair guys. And all those first world new age pyramid worshippers up in Sedona and Humboldt County
[27:21] will just have to pick a different date for the end of the world. And come January 2013, here's my other prediction. If you go on Craigslist, you'll find a lot of very cheap shaman outfits for sale. You've been listening to The Expat Files, living in Latin America, coming to you each week from somewhere south of the border. And don't forget you can email me on anything at all about Latin America, The Expat Files at gmail.com. Once again, The Expat Files at gmail.com. See you next time, nos vemos!