#42 – The Expat Files: Navigating Car Theft, Legal Systems, and Road Safety in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:13] Hi everybody, I'm Johnny Mueller, and you're listening to The Expat Files, living in Latin America, the one of a kind show that tells you what it's like to live, work, play, and or retire in Latin America. So let's get started. Once again, I wasn't able to finish completely the topic that I started on our last show. So I'll finish up on that before going ahead to the next topic, if that's all right with you. And remember last time I was talking about getting pulled over by the police and what you should and shouldn't do, as well as some simple good ideas on how you can keep from getting your car stolen, which I admit everybody down here worries about because it's pretty much universal that all expats know somebody who's had it done to them, and sometimes more

[01:03] than once. Now, on that same subject of car theft, I have to tell you a story that could never occur up in the first world. An expat friend of mine got his car stolen in Columbia, and it was one of those deals where the car was parked out in the street and no one was in it. And that's the typical way they like to steal cars down here, when they're parked on a nice porch, is at gunpoint. And why anyone would want a Jag or a Porsche down here, I'll never know, but there are some. Anyway, as for my expat friend, he didn't even know his car was stolen, until he got a phone call from the thieves at his own house. So one Saturday, about five in the afternoon, he picks up his phone, and the guy on the other end, in Spanish of course, says, we have your car and it'll cost you two thousand

[01:50] dollars to get it back. Now the guy's car was worth about ten grand maybe, and he wasn't carrying full coverage, he just carried that cheap liability insurance, so that if he did get in an accident, and the cops showed up, he could show them the certificate so they wouldn't haul his car off to one of those so-called guarded municipal parking lots, and I hope by now you remember that those municipal storage lots are to be avoided at all costs. Because you see, the police have the right to tow your car away if you're not carrying insurance, because believe it or not, they do have mandatory insurance laws in almost every place in Latin America. And of course, like every other law, they don't really enforce it, that is, unless you get in a car accident, because then they ask you for that piece of paper, and then generally

[02:35] the cops just leave and let the insurance companies hash it out, unless of course someone's been killed, or seriously hurt. Then sometimes the cops will stick around, because so many times, the driver of the car at fault will often run for the hills, especially if somebody seriously hurt or dead. So the cops will stick around and try to find that guy, because if they don't, they'll never be able to close the case. And of course, if he's been drinking, he'll run for the hills too. But that'll never happen if the person or persons involved in the accident are driving nice cars, and obviously appear to be in an upper income bracket. Guys like that will let their insurance company or lawyers handle it. Which is another reason why expats really need a lawyer from day one. So as you can imagine, the police actually like it when you have car insurance, because

[03:24] when you're not carrying it, they have to stick around and sort it all out. And they have to fill out the paperwork, do all the reports, ask all the questions, make diagrams of the scene and all that. It's pretty much what the cops do in the first world when there's a car accident, only, like everything else in Latin America, when the cops down here do it, it's always a bad copy of the way they do it up in the first world. And I know you're still probably having trouble processing the fact that so many people run from the accident down here. Because if someone does that in the first world, man, he's really in trouble. And there's no doubt about it, he's going to jail. But the fact is, there's so many guys down here driving these rust bucket jalapies that would never be roadworthy in the first world. You just know by looking at the car that the driver doesn't have anything to lose.

[04:11] And in fact, a guy like that just might be better off making a run for the hills, rather than face the consequences. The fact is, a good 60-70% of the cars involved in accidents down here would never pass inspection up in the first world. In fact, they're just pieces of junk duct taped and chicken wired together, and somehow, by the virtues of first world engineering and luck, they're still running. And a guy driving a vehicle like that will never carry car insurance. Even though liability insurance on any car down here costs only about 100 bucks a year. And if you've been paying attention, you'd know that's about two weeks salary for the average guy down here in Latin America, so they just can't afford it. Now a lot of times, when an expat gets in an accident with one of these guys, the guy

[04:59] with the rusted out beater won't run, he'll stick around. Because he knows, as a gringo or a first world person, there's a possibility of him squeezing some money out of you right then and there. And in fact, a good percentage of the fender benders down here, involving all types of cars and classes of people, are settled on the spot by somebody paying out. And generally, you'll have plenty of time to hash it out, because the police might not arrive for a few hours, unless by coincidence they just happen to be near the scene. And nearly every expat, including me, has his own stories about collisions with rust buckets, because if you live down here long enough, it's just going to happen to you. So let me tell you one of my personal stories. I was somewhere in Honduras at night, driving along and minding my own business, when I suddenly rear-ended a pickup truck.

[05:46] Now you might say that was 100% my fault, because in the first world, if you rear-end somebody, that just means you were driving inattentively and definitely tailgating or way too close, right? Well that'd be true in the first world maybe, but I was in Honduras, and this guy in the pickup truck had no tail lights at all. In fact, they were both broken out and taped over with red colored duct tape, and even if the driver of that classy vehicle used the excuse that I broke out his tail lights by rear-ending him, well that would have been an impossible claim for him, because big pieces of duct tape were still stuck to where his lights used to be on the car. Now here's me, I'm in a hurry and I've got a few hundred dollar damage to the front end of my car, and I'm all pissed off at the injustice of it.

[06:35] Here's a guy driving around this unsafe piece of crap, and I mean unsafe to other people like me. And then he gets out of his truck, comes around the back, surveys the damages, gives me a look like I'm a jerk for rear-ending him, and then he has the nerve to ask me for money to get his damages fixed. And I said, what damages? Nothing's broke on your car that wasn't broken before I rammed you. And he knew that if we waited long enough, eventually a cop car would drive by, and they'd stop, put their two cents in, and complicate things even worse. And on top of that, it was dark, getting late, and you don't want to be on a lonely highway road in Honduras at night, believe me. Well, as I was going over the options in my head, the guy said that 50 bucks would make

[07:21] things square. And since everything's a negotiation in Latin America, I ended up paying him 25. And of course, he was completely in the wrong. And if I would've stuck around and waited for the cops, got a court date, and actually got to court, which probably would've been about four to six months later, I'm sure I could've won it. But that's something you never want to do in Latin America. You never want to go to court unless you absolutely have to. In fact, going to court is such a pain in the ass down here. I once asked my lawyer what his specialty was, and he said he specializes in not going to court. And believe me, it's made him fairly wealthy, by Latin standards that is, and about going to court. Besides the fact that you have to state your case in front of a bunch of pompous asses,

[08:07] all of them basically unqualified for the job. The problem is, even in a supposedly open and shut case like mine, where a guy whose car is completely street legal rams into a guy who's got no taillights whatsoever, you soon learn that down here, nothing in court is open and shut. Because more often than not, it depends on your lawyer and who you know. And case in point, if this little guy that I rear-ended happened to have a cousin somewhere working in the local judicial system, or let's say his sister was a secretary working in the mayor's office, well that could have completely shuffled the deck for me, and not in a good way. You never know. And it happens all the time. So to avoid all that, I paid the guy 25 bucks and took my lumps. And right now, you're probably wondering how a guy like that could drive around with no

[08:57] taillights and have him duct taped. How does he get away with it? Well let me clue you in, there's so many guys like that. And I might add that the guys that drive these death traps are always from the lower classes. Anyway, it's a subject you hear expats and tourists talk about all the time. Any day of the week, 24 hours a day, you'll be driving around and the guy in front of you won't have any taillights. And at night you'll be driving along and you'll notice that maybe 1 out of 20 or 30 cars doesn't have any headlights. Not just one burnt out bulb, I'm talking about both headlights gone. And you know, I've been here 20 years, and by now I should have chilled out on that, but I still cringe when I see a car without headlights or taillights. Sometimes I really feel like pulling them over and punching them in the face.

[09:43] I mean I really don't care what kind of piece of crap they drive, it's that they're putting everybody else in danger. Okay, just had to blow off a little steam there, sorry about that. And you might be thinking that with all those police roadblocks set up, and I hope you remember that police roadblock business that I mentioned in the last program, anyway, it would be logical to assume that these guys are getting pulled over all the time and getting fined. Because we all know that in the first world they'll nail you right away if you have a light burnt out. And normally they'll give you that warning ticket with a time limit, and you better get that thing fixed or it's going to cost you. Well down here, like I mentioned in the last show, the police posted at those roadblocks just love to pull over high end luxury cars. And generally they avoid pulling over the junkers unless they're severely overloaded

[10:32] with people or merchandise, or the driver has a prison tattoo on his face. So if you're driving a junker and your headlights or taillights are out, you almost never get pulled over. But why should that be? That's what all us expats and tourists keep saying. It's so dangerous for everybody else who's got to share the road with a guy like that. There ought to be a law, right? Well there is, but nobody gives a damn about it. So why don't the cops get on that right away and start writing out tickets? They sure be doing everybody a favor, and if the cops started issuing tickets and fines in no time, each country down here could balance its budget. But that would be too logical, right? Well it's not that simple, or maybe it is. Because the fact is, after you've been living down here a while, you start to notice that

[11:18] the police vehicles are missing headlights and taillights too. Now I'm not talking about new fleets of police vehicles, and there are brand new police vehicles on the road every few years, donated by stupid first world countries with a guilt complex like Korea and Japan and United States and Sweden, just to mention a few. They donate brand new vehicles to police and fire departments down here all the time, but they never follow up on the maintenance, and they never check on what happens to these things a few years down the line. And even though new vehicles deteriorate quite fast down here, especially when the average cop on the force driving that vehicle has a 6th grade education, which is like giving a teenage kid the keys to a Ferrari, since even a basic police cruiser would cost 10

[12:07] years of an average cop's salary. So not surprisingly, almost no cop himself owns his own personal vehicle, since he simply can't afford one. And when you add that to the fact that there's pretty much no vehicle maintenance going on down here, that's a guarantee that after a year or two, even the nicest police cruiser starts to look and act like a piece of junk, and as these new vehicles start getting abused in the field, and you better believe they do. Anyway, one of the first things that happens, that is after slamming into a million or so potholes, is that the filaments give out in the tail lights and headlights. They virtually get vibrated and rattled to pieces. So it would really be the ultimate irony if you got pulled over at a police blockade for

[12:52] missing a tail light or a headlight. Since typically, at least one of those police cruisers parked on the side of the road will be missing a headlight or tail light too. So instead of the pot calling the kettle black, if you're missing headlights or tail lights, they just don't pull you over. Now another funny cop story comes to mind and I just have to mention this one. Once again I was driving along, minding my own business, and this time in Costa Rica. Now I was getting close to a sleepy beach town on the Pacific side called Capos. And I noticed there was a long line of stopped cars, maybe 15 of them, bunched up on the main road into town. So as I stopped there, waiting for my turn to move, I noticed that there were two cop cars parked at the front of the line holding everything up, and that one of the cops was

[13:37] walking down the road, going from car to car, sticking his head in the driver's side window and saying something to each driver. And when he got to me, he put on a big smile, stuck a little plastic thing in my face and said, would you blow into this please? And I recognized it immediately as a portable breathalyzer machine. Not that I've had my alcohol level tested that many times, but I did recognize it. Anyway, I was kind of shocked for a second, so I just looked at the machine and did nothing. And after a few seconds, the cop took it and stuck it in his own face, blew into it, and said, see, do like this. And so I did it, and my number came well within the limits. So then he pointed to my friend who was sitting in the passenger's seat. And my ex-pat friend, by the way, had a beer in his hand and a six-pack on the seat in

[14:25] a cooler wedged between the both of us. And when the cop saw the beer, he walked around the passenger side of the car, stuck the breathalyzer device in my friend's face and said, here, blow into this. And of course, my friend did it. And I don't know what number came up on the machine, but at that moment, the cop took the beer out of my friend's hand, took a swig from it himself, blew into the breathalyzer showed us the number and said, see, look how this thing works. Isn't that great? And he said it like a kid with a brand new toy. And it turns out, that's what it was. And at this point, you know, I was getting confused. What was this policeman trying to do? And then I found out. At that moment, the other cop came walking over and he held out his hand, took the machine,

[15:11] looked at his friend and said, it's my turn. I get to use it now. It turns out that what those cops were using was a brand new gift from the Israeli government to the Costa Rican police force. I learned later that the Israeli government donated a hundred units like that to the Costa Rican police force. And these two cops had just gotten one of these new toys and were testing it out on us. And after those two guys had their fun, and I know they had never arrested anyone, we were on our way. No problem. And you might be wondering how we could get away with having open beer in the front seat of the car. Well, you see, it's one of those things about Latin America. The drunken driving laws do exist down here. Though you almost never get busted for drunken driving, unless you get in a car accident and you're obviously plastered when the police arrive.

[15:58] But like I said in a previous show, if you get busted for drunken driving, you might get a fine, but they don't take away your license. Because they don't have a point system like they do up in the first world. And in fact, any fines or moving violations against you, actually go against the owner of the car you're driving, not you personally. And though your name might be on the parking or speeding ticket itself, if you leave it unpaid, after a year goes by, the fine is chalked up against the license of the car you're driving. So when the owner of the car goes down to pay or renew his license fee on his car, you'll have to clear all those fines before they give him a renewal sticker. And down here for some reason, when you get your renewal sticker, it's not a peel off little sticker that goes on your license plate like in the first world.

[16:46] It goes on your windshield. So as your car gets older and older, you start building up a nice long line of stickers up and down your windshield. And that's another thing expats don't quite understand. Because up in the first world, you're not allowed to put anything, a sticker, a marking, a drawing, a happy face, or a Jesus fish on the windshield of your car because it obstructs your vision. And I believe in some states up north, it even carries a hundred dollar fine. But down here, it's a lot different. Not only can you load up your windshield with stickers and transfers and anything you want, you can even have a shattered windshield and they won't pull you over and fine you. In fact, a good percentage of the junkers on the road have at least one cracked window and a lot of times even more. And because they're junkers, they almost never get them fixed.

[17:34] In fact, in any big city in Latin America on any day of the week, you can be driving along and you'll see a junker with a plastic bag taped where a window should be. Now that could be a plastic bag used for a side window, a rear window, and sometimes even a windshield. And does anyone pull them over for that? No. And in Latin America, where your ego is attached to what you have and what you drive, is that a good way to pick up girls? No. But some people just can't afford to replace a broken window. But you just tried that up in the first world. If you get pulled over for any reason and a cop sees one tiny sliver of a crack in your windshield, if you don't replace it in a hurry, you'll get a big fine. Okay, enough about that.

[18:19] But you know that breathalyzer story in Costa Rica has another ending to it. A few days later, we were driving back through the same town and we stopped to have some lunch at a little sidewalk cafe. We were sitting at a table on the outside veranda when that same cop walked by. And he stopped at our table and said hi. And I asked him, how's it going with that new breathalyzer machine? Then he scrunched up his face and said, it dropped on the pavement and broke. So after about three days, it was out of commission. And I do have to tell you, there was a story in the Costa Rican paper about it. It reported on how the Israeli government had donated all these devices to the police department and how they were bringing the locals up to the standards of first world law enforcement and all that crap. You know, they had the usual photo ops of the ambassador shaking hands with the chief of police.

[19:08] You know, a big PR event. Well, some months later, I was in San Jose, sitting in my lawyer's office. And I was sitting right next to a guy who worked security at the Israeli embassy. And I don't know how the subject got onto drunken driving laws and penalties and all that and breathalyzers. But when I mentioned that story about the policeman down in Capos, the guy from the embassy told me that after about six months, most of those donated breathalyzer units were either broken or unaccounted for. And they cost over $300 a piece. And I said, you know, why do you guys do that? Why do you donate things when you know what's going to happen? You just never learn, do you? In no time, that stuff ends up in a scrap heap. And he said, with not a little cynicism now, it's what you call diplomacy.

[19:56] AKA the good neighbor policy. And all the while, I'm thinking what's good about it. And even though this guy wasn't really a top man at the embassy, he did say this. He said, you know, the guys that make the decisions to donate things down here, they don't get out much. Boy, did he get that right. And while I'm talking about policemen down here, it shows the true nature of the macho society when you hear certain stories like the following one. Women expats have told me that when they get pulled over at a police roadblock, they nearly always get a free ride. That is, even if they've committed some kind of infraction that a male expat like me could never get away with. Lady expats get preferential treatment and usually walk away with just a warning. The fact is, if you're a woman expat and you don't have a valid license on you,

[20:45] or it's expired, which in any country is a big no-no. Well, down here, if you're an expat woman, you'll probably get a free ride. And even if the registration paperwork you have on your car is all screwed up or missing, you might get a free ride there too. And if the lady happens to be blonde or blue-eyed or both, then they really get treated like a queen. In fact, I've heard stories from lady expats where police have offered to escort them home. Now, you think they'd do that for a guy like me? I don't think so. So being a female expat down here does have real advantages, especially when there's a run-in with the cops. And on that same subject, I've been told by more than one lawyer that if a female expat ends up in court for whatever reason, she nearly always gets the court's sympathy and the upper hand.

[21:33] Now, that's rarely true with local women, unless of course they're quite attractive or sexy. And why do you think that happens? Because 95% of the judges are your typical Latin macho guys. And it doesn't matter what level of society they came from, they're all brought up much the same way. When it comes to women, they're always on and trying to make points. Now, when it comes to police and courtrooms up in the first world, I'd have to admit that a beautiful female does have a slight advantage when dealing with male cops and judges. And I know that sounds like a stereotype, but here at The Expat Files, we deal in generalizations and stereotypes. So get used to it. My point is that a good-looking female up in the first world has a certain sway over men, but nothing like the power

[22:19] she has over men down here in Latin America. And in fact, down here, you don't even have to be a particularly good-looking expat woman to get those advantages. You just have to be female and Caucasian, and that's about it. And here's another little tip I learned when dealing with the cops down here. It's always a good idea to carry around in your car a few edible little goodies that you can pass on to the cops when you get pulled over. Now, it might sound like a small thing to you and me, but it makes for a big impression on the cops. Well, if you get pulled over, and after you greet the guy, you can immediately give him something to eat, something to munch on. You've really broken the ice. Because none of the locals down here will ever do that. When they get pulled over, they're always expecting the worst. And if a cop pushes them for a bribe,

[23:05] it's going to hurt their pocketbook a lot more than an expat from the first world. And right off the bat, if you hand a cop a bottle of soda, a Hershey bar, or a handful of almonds, he really feels a bit indebted to you. And I'm not making this up. I picked this little tidbit up in conversation when talking to a couple of cops I used to run into regularly down by my office. In fact, most of the locals would never give a cop anything down here. So when a couple of cops pull you over and you hand around a few 10-cent bags of Doritos, or Pringles, or corn chips, or whatever, I guarantee you they're going to go light on you. They're not going to go over your papers with a fine-tooth comb, or sift through your trunk for a half an hour. For less than a buck, you've actually made a couple of temporary friends, believe it or not.

[23:51] And I'm not going to say it works all the time, but never negate those simple acts of kindness, man. Even if the guys are kind of fat and ugly, and you really dislike them, just put on a happy face and give them a Hershey bar. It's worked for me. And even though something like that might mean absolutely nothing to a first world cop. But just remember, you're not in Illinois. Down here, cops are so desperate, they'll pull you over and ask you for money for gas. Now, when the day comes that a state trooper from Illinois pulls you over and asks you for gas, that's the day the US becomes a third world country. And who knows, that just might happen. But anyway, down here, there's the additional fact, everybody hates their cops, they get no respect, and everybody thinks they're corrupt, which of course they are. So you give them a little something and you're halfway there.

[24:37] And while we're talking about cop stories, and I always like third world cop stories, one of my expat friends told me another good one. He said he was pulled over by a cop at a speed trap right outside Managua, Nicaragua. Now this expat guy said he'd driven by pretty fast and noticed out of the corner of his eye that the cop was leaning on his cruiser and pointing a radar gun at him. Which in itself was a real shock, because cops with radar guns are practically unheard of down here. Even though you'll be driving along and you'll see a sign that says, your velocity is being monitored by radar, which in my experience is almost always BS. And as for me, the only place I've really seen radar used down here is outside big time tourist destinations like Cancun, Mexico,

[25:23] where they're always trying to trap the tourists, because generally tourists have money. So anyway, the expat got stopped outside Managua, Nicaragua in a speed trap. And he knew he was going faster than the speed limit, which was posted at 70 kilometers per hour, which is something around 45 miles an hour. So he bit his lip, took the ticket and got himself like a $25 fine. And you should know that the fines for speeding or for practically any moving violation are usually 25% or less of what you'd pay in the first world for the exact same offense. And again, you don't get points taken off because there is no point system down here. So anyway, the expat got pulled over by the cop and got his ticket. Then the expat cell phone rang. So he grabbed the cell phone, started talking, got involved in a conversation.

[26:11] And like a lot of us do when we're talking for a while, we start wandering around aimlessly, not paying too much attention to anything but the telephone conversation. And after a minute or two, he found himself standing right next to the police pickup truck, staring down into the floor of the bed. And what he saw in the bed was a handful of mangled wires and electronic gear with some corrosion and dust and mold on it. Like it had been laying in the back of the truck for a couple of weeks and laying right next to the wires and stuff in the truck bed was the cops radar gun. And the expat noticed because he was so close to it that the back panel was gone and that there were no electronics inside of the radar gun at all. In other words, it was just a shell with no parts in it and probably hadn't worked for weeks.

[26:58] Then he thought for a second, pulled out the speeding ticket he just received, looked at the little box where the cop had marked the speed he was going and the cop had written in 81.5 kilometers per hour in a 70 kilometer zone. And on his way back to the car, the expat passed the cop, laughed a little bit and said, you know, I was going at least a hundred. And the cop just stood there with a stone face and didn't say a thing. Yep, they're trying real hard to be first world, but they're just not cutting it. You've been listening to The Expat Files, living in Latin America. And don't forget, you can email me on anything at all about Latin America. The Expat Files at gmail.com.

[27:47] That's the expat files at gmail.com. See you next time.