#1029 – The Expat Files: Life, Language, and Legal Challenges in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came out to play and now as I wonder Hello there all you ex-pat wannabes. I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started Okay, maybe we can get to some hate mail today if we have time Yeah, I get my share of hate mail You know what they say you get the most flack when you're right over the target, but first this email from Ruth She says hi Johnny. Love your show on especially when you go off topic

[00:47] Now I'm a fluent Spanish speaker She says and had to let you know that painters in Spanish are called Pintores not Pinteros in this instance. It's not with an ero ending. Well Ruth. What can I say? You're the expert you caught me in a gaffe Hey, you know, I always admit that my Spanish is not a hundred percent It's 70 maybe 80 percent at most even though I've been down here 30 plus years now I really am and I've always been a language dunce. Hey, you can't be good at everything, huh? But having had a few Latina girlfriends who spoke no English at all, by the way That really is the number one way to learn Spanish, you know Osmosis is a beautiful thing So even language dunces like me absorb a certain amount whether intentional or not though I have to admit being off the gringo tourist trail probably 95 to 98 percent of the time people Latinos

[01:36] That is are forever telling me how great my Spanish is Well, I know some of them are just blowing smoke up my tracero But since the vast majority of Latinos don't speak any English at all And when they meet gringos who can banter a bit in Spanish They really appreciate that they can actually get their points across and you understand them because you know You can see for yourself when a gringo doesn't speak Spanish and they're in a restaurant or hardware store It's really tough going for both parties The only thing is and this has happened to me many times you get overconfident you think hey my Spanish is really good Look, they're complimenting me about it all the time and then Reality rears its ugly head an hour later you get into an uber and you don't understand a frickin thing the guys saying Hey, just like in the states. There are tons of different dialects and accents and street lingo

[02:23] I still run into Brits once in a while who have the very same problem with Americans speaking American English The irony of course is that the Brits invented our mother tongue, you know I lived in the UK for a couple of years got my useless MBA up there and you know It really kills me when they tell me you know what Johnny we Brits invented the mother tongue but we can't understand a thing those guys from Texas Arkansas, Oklahoma and Georgia are saying and Forget about blacks in the hood with their ghetto speak every Brit I know complaints about that which is why practically every British person I know when they're watching Hollywood movies and they love Hollywood movies They always insist on watching them with English subtitles In fact, if you download a rent a Hollywood movie in the UK, they almost always come with an English subtitle track

[03:09] But then again, it's the same thing in reverse Here's a question. Do you like watching British movies? No, I'm not talking about the bond ones They speak nice and clear and enunciate cuz it's mostly for American audiences I'm talking about those movies and some are very cool like from Guy Ritchie Remember snatch or I think it's lock stock and a smoking barrel Fantastic movies, but there's so much gangsta in the street slang. It's pretty tough on the average American So we gringos Americans are better off Downloading British movies with English subtitles to oh and by the way, remember on the last show I talked about how I got pulled over by two cops a lady and a guy and I played the clueless gringo You know that I don't speak any espanol card Well, some of you were wondering how I communicated with those guys because we did go back and forth because I didn't have a driver's

[03:56] License, remember? Well, the fact is the lady cop had Google Translate on her smartphone And she was typing stuff in and showed it to me as things progressed Which made things pretty slow-going, but you know, that's what it's come to now You can only play the clueless gringo to a certain point because now it's not a hundred percent Communication breakdown as it always was before But still when you're way up the gringo tourist trail and you get pulled over by a cop if you play the clueless gringo No espanol 90% of the time they'll roll their eyes and shrug and say Arlante Arlante go ahead go ahead. Oh and get this something strange about Latin cops Is that every lady cop I've met seems to be much more intelligent than her male partner? I've never seen two lady cops together But I've seen the lady in a guy cop many times and it always seems the lady cop is much more astute and with it

[04:47] Then the guy cop in fact when I got pulled over last week That was the very first time any cop ever used Google Translate or anything else to try to communicate with and wouldn't you know? It was a lady cop So then why do you think that it is you think it's because they set the bar higher here in Latin America For lady cops than they do for men seems like that's the only explanation anyway in the end I prefer to be pulled over by a lady cop because they really do favor gringos and expats in other words if you're a man And get pulled over by a lady cop that gringo advantage is very strong But if you're a gringa and get pulled over by a lady cop Sometimes that gringo advantage will be cancelled out. You know that female rivalry thing it seems to be universal though in general The downside to being pulled over by a lady cop is they seem to be unbribable

[05:34] Oh and for all you straight arrow types out there who think it's just a terrible thing that you can bribe cops here in Latin America You know what when I first got down here I thought there's something intrinsically wrong with that but as time went on I realized man That's one hell of a way a great way to cut through the red tape and be on your way fast I mean really wouldn't you much rather pay a cop 20 or 50 bucks? then to have to take a day out of your life go to court get a lawyer to go down with you because you can't speak Spanish Or at least someone to translate not to mention the fact that most times when you've got a court date for anything Not only is it months in the future? It's likely to get postponed and you won't know that till you get down there, and there's another day wasted So the choice is pay a crooked cop or pay the crooked government

[06:21] I know you get it. Oh and remember down here people don't really look at bribing cops as a despicable thing They're just so used to it. It's second nature to people sort of like chicken buses passing on curves and running red lights Oh, and do you remember on last show when I talked about how a new booming industry just might pop up namely? N95 underwear and lingerie, you know because the Chinese have discovered the Covid it virus hitches a ride on flatulence Well, you know that triggered a barrage of emails in fact the rest of Ruth's email refers to it She says Johnny. There's already a flatulence mask. I gave it to my husband as a joke gift at least ten years ago She even gave me the links. She finishes the email by saying Johnny you provide exceptional entertainment

[07:09] Then again, so do Iranian beheadings And man, you wouldn't believe this link. She sent me. It's called subtle, but disposable reusable gas neutralizers each package containing five self-adhesive Carbon filters for your butthole. Hey, this is for real. It's no joke It says are you scheduled for a long plane ride? But are worried about indulging the night before at a chili cook-off or an all-you-can-eat Indian buffet Subtle, but carbon impregnated butt pads are the solution all right way too much said about that who to thunk But there's more another listener sent me a link to some diapers with carbon filters What will they think of next now? I know there are smart diapers with embedded RFID chips to signal

[07:57] Excessively neurotic American parents who else that the kid has successfully completed his business hey And how about this email from Bob he says rather than diapers with filters? How about butt plugs filtered or unfiltered that'll be the next fad filtered butt plugs pretty obviously compact and functional Don't you think and we can incorporate a silencer or muffler effect that would bring people closer together Which come to think of it? We don't want to do not in the age of Covid it Do we then he says for the unfiltered version? I visualize a system of two being running up towards your right ear with a mandatory flame system for odor suppression and to comply with laws aimed at oil refineries and cracking towers that are required to burn off excess

[08:43] methane gas because they're not allowed to vent it into the atmosphere like for example the oil refineries and cracking towers by the New Jersey Turnpike and Carter it time to file a patent Johnny Signed expat insider alumnus Bob well Thanks for that Bob and though that may have been tongue-in-cheek crazier patents have been filed by the way Did you know that Abraham Lincoln has a patent the only sitting president to file and receive a patent? It was some kind of air bellows that lifted a boat if it got stuck on a reef Hey, how's that for a digression and then comes this email from another expat insider alumnus Dave? Yep, one of our gaggle of Dave's they're everywhere. You know, I've been thinking with so many Dave's Listening and writing into this show. Maybe it's the name Dave itself that sets a kid up for curiosity and independence

[09:34] I mean look psychologists have written whole books about how names affect kids and well on into their adulthood, too So while you parents out there, you should really be careful Don't be cute or your kid might end up hating you, you know with some names You don't even have to see the person and you've already developed the kind of an image of what you think they're gonna be like Look, what image do you have in your mind when you hear the name Iggy or Boris? How about Clarence Laquisha LaMisha or Letitia? How about Wainwright Falls graph maximilian Percy Barney? Willy or dick, come on. Don't tell me your mind doesn't create a different image for each one of those So who knows maybe the name Dave ticks a few creativity boxes in a kid's brain, but I digress as usual Where were you? Oh, yeah, Dave's email. He says hi, Johnny

[10:20] I know you don't want to turn the expat files into a dating and mating show However, I was recently listening to a Steely Dan song called Haitian divorce Apparently until the 70s many US states recognized single-party Quickie divorces that were granted by the courts in Haiti if I remember correctly on a show a long time ago You once said that Latin American countries will recognize quickie divorces from the Dominican Republic if that's true Which countries recognize Dominican divorces signed Dave from California BS He says I mean PS honest mistake there since there's a lot of that going around lately PS he says I just consulted with Captain Mango about cryptocurrencies. I highly recommend his services. All right, Dave

[11:06] Thanks for that. Here's the scoop I personally know of a guy who got a Dominican divorce before I started with this program probably 12 or 13 years ago and at that time as it turns out you didn't even have to go to the DR Neither of the parties had to be present. You just had to have a DR lawyer do it on top of that It's a no-fault divorce. And since this guy's wife just completely disappeared on him He didn't even know where she was though. She certainly left a trail She put 50,000 bucks on his credit card her and her new boyfriend. Ouch Anyway at that time the DR allowed for divorces for non-residents, you know gringos and expats who didn't live there I didn't have residency even if the other party could not be found In other words, you could file for divorce with a lawyer in the DR with pertinent documents shipped by courier

[11:54] So then you might wonder how can one get a divorce initiated by just one of the parties and the other person not even knowing about it Or signing off on it. Well, here's the loophole how they made it legal Every country has what they call an official newspaper Of course, most every country has many newspapers, but the government selects one of them as its official mouthpiece where government Legislation norms and laws are officially published. You can bet no one ever reads it Watching paint dry would be more amusing. However being dead boring and no one ever reading it is a huge advantage So stick with me here You'd sign the paperwork the lawyer would file it with the government and then the government would post a notice in the official newspaper asking for the missing or absentee party to respond within 90 days to the proposed divorce decree if

[12:43] After 90 days, there was no response and how could there be the divorce was automatically granted. That was the loophole You know, it's kind of like in a wedding where the priest or pastor says if there's anyone here who objects to the marriage Speak up or forever hold your peace and of course, no one except in the movie It's ever opens their mouth at that point, even if they think it's the worst idea in the world So anyway, that was how the DR used to allow Divorces when one person filed for it and the other person could not be found or perhaps was just totally uncooperative And guess what the DR divorce held up legally in most other countries and jurisdictions Now the Haitian and DR divorces were simple They never touched on custody issues division of property or who got vital or the mint flavored butt plugs

[13:28] But the divorces themselves were legal that other stuff you had to hash out in the courts in your own country But because of a certain US Supreme Court ruling that unilateral foreign divorces are not legal In other words when one person did not sign the paperwork Well that put the gabash on those non consensual DR and Haitian divorces now There is still a quick version of the DR divorce for foreigners They waive the requirements such as residency and waiting periods However, at least one party must attend the hearing and if the other party doesn't attend They have to sign a special power of attorney form. So it's got to be a consenting divorce You know when one person won't sign it's called a non consenting divorce Generally, it's because one party ran off and you can't find them or perhaps they're just pissed or stubborn and won't sign

[14:16] But the good news is there are still no residency requirements and your divorce will be final in a day But still many US states won't recognize the Dominican divorce like for example, California But all states will if the party's first established Residency in the Dominican Republic and you know getting residency in any land country They've got some hoops to jump through so most people don't want to wade through all that BS and wait a year or two to get residency So those DR divorces just aren't popular anymore Now there is another quick and dirty way to get a divorce that's legal in all 50 states That would be to get that divorce in the US territory of Guam Bet you never heard of that divorce Avenue probably heard of going to Vegas or Mexico But Guam so that's a quick and easy way because of the simple fact that you don't have to be there

[15:04] Your lawyer in Guam will do it all except again It's a consensual divorce so both parties have to sign that paper and if one doesn't well forget about it now as far as Mexico It used to be the go-to country for a quick divorces most baby boomers have heard about it because way back when before the internet I profile Hollywood couples who always were in a revolving door of divorce and marriage Used to go to Mexico to get divorced all the time. In fact, you could do it in a weekend I think it was Liz Taylor, Jaja Gabora, Mickey Rooney who between them had something like 46 Mexican divorces Well, maybe not that many but you know what I mean. In fact the 20 years between 1940 and 1960 approximately half a million United States couples obtained a quickie Mexican divorce and then in the late

[15:51] 1970s Mexico bowing to political and religious pressure, you know, it's really really Catholic. They made it much tougher They enacted complex residency requirements for people in order to get a divorce So you just couldn't pop in for the weekend. You had to have actual Mexican permanent residence That killed the quickie divorce in a hurry and Dave about those Haitian divorces you were talking about Yep, they used to be really popular too They were quick easy and dirt cheap just a couple hundred bucks and they like the DR used to allow Unilateral divorces meaning only one person had to sign and the other well the other didn't have to know So the rules changed in Haiti too, even though in a Haitian divorce only one person has to appear in court That means a Haitian divorce won't fly in the States

[16:37] It's not legal because according to the US Supreme Court, you need both parties to sign off besides that It's my considered opinion that it's too dangerous for anyone to go to Haiti. That'd be Port-au-Prince the capital There's lots of civil unrest and what a dingy smelly and disgusting place it is. They don't even have sewage Sanitation systems there except of course at some of the big first-world hotels where International construction norms have been followed and man Are you a target for theft or extortion as a tourist especially if you're lily white even if you're not lily white in your dress Like a typical tourist. Oh and you know backpackers. They'll go anywhere. It's cheap But guess what they pretty much quit going to Haiti even though it's pretty much one of the cheapest Destinations on the planet if you plan on roughing it backpacker style. Oh and good luck with the internet

[17:26] So then what choice have you got left for a quickie divorce? Well, there's always Nevada They've got some of the most lenient divorce laws in the states simply because way back when before Vegas was a big thing The Nevada government would do anything to lure people in including quickie marriages with Elvis impersonators as witnesses Divorce tourism was always a big thing too But even in Nevada divorce is both parties must sign off and be in agreement. In other words worldwide There's no such thing as a non-consensual divorce anymore, even if the other person disappears or cannot be found However, if they're dead well Then they're dead and you don't need a divorce which sort of begs the question Why in the hell would you want to get married in the first place though? Most of us try it at least once or twice or three times and really who needs the government to sanction

[18:13] What's between two people anyway? All right. All right enough with beating a dead horse. All right now on the Covidiot front here in Latin America Here's an email that should be of interest to you. It comes from another expat insider alumnus Brian He says Johnny, how you doing? Finally made it to Guatemala three weeks ago. I was in southern Mexico for three months I was previously in Panama for the starting of the Covidiot crap I knew it was time to leave when the Panama government started the Tuesday and Thursday Mail or guy only time so guys could shop for two hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays Then if you're a male you're supposed to remain indoors the rest of the week Did you know Panama locked down the entire country for the holidays? Happy New Year, huh? But I was waiting for Guatemala to end the PCR test for the entry

[18:59] But that never happened and I did hear your podcast with the Covidiot Consult testing company in evergreen, Colorado. Did I say Colorado? Yep, Colorado offering that spit test and contact it a representative concerning a sample kit being sent to Mexico They stated they won't send it to Mexico due to the fact that immigration will delay the package Making the tests useless because you need the 72 hours remember So I decided to take the bus through Mexico south to Tapachula across the border to Guatemala It was 20 hours three buses and two taxis later when I ended up at Lake Atitlan on the San Pedro side Have to tell you this though My software editing skills came in handy at the border and I was allowed entry for three months. All right me Johnny here for a second

[19:46] I'm assuming he did a little photo shopping. You've heard me talk about that before it works here Especially when documents are in English then most locals are just flummoxed. Hey, I'm not advising you to do anything illegal I'm just telling you what astute expats and gringos sometimes do you know laws here in Latin America unlike up in the states are Extremely flexible, especially if you got a couple of extra dead presidents in your wallet Then he says by the way Johnny expats are telling me if you overstay your 90-day tourist visa in Guatemala The next time you enter you will only receive a 30-day visa Just a little tip for your travelers who plan on staying in Guatemala for an extended time All right, me Johnny here You know you can avoid that by going to your lawyer giving them 50 bucks in your passport And he'll send one of his ladies down to immigration and get you another 90-day extension on your tourist visa

[20:36] Then he says Johnny as far as hanging around San Pedro at Lake Atitlan It's very laid-back not many of the people even bother to wear masks a few grocery stores require them But that's about it and smoking Joe's famous, Texas barbecue finally opened up three Sundays ago They've got open bar women and bikinis at the pool as usual and even a band along with that famous barbecue He puts out good to have a little normalcy back again. Thanks. Johnny signed Brian from the July 2018 Exped insider seminar. All right, Brian. Thanks for that. Oh and he mentioned smoking Joe's barbecue setup Well, it's run by this guy a Texan expat Of course, he just couldn't get good Texas barbecue around Lake Atitlan So he got one of those one wheel trailers, you know, I'm talking about right a little trailer hooks up to any car made himself a barbecue

[21:25] Unit out of 255 gallon drums and he started making deals with bars around the lake He stopped there on weekends cook up a real Texas barbecue with all the trimmons He'd keep the food bunny in the bark at the drink money. Well, it's turned into a massive success He's got two local indigenous ladies that do all the real work with his wife set up at a card table collecting the dough So basically he's got two employees and his wife and he's pulling down get this 50 plus grand a year net and he only works on Saturday and Sunday so all he's got for overhead is the food he purchases and The two indigenous ladies each of them making about a hundred fifty bucks a month because they only work two or three days a week It's the perfect example why you really need boots on the ground here

[22:12] If you want to find a nice business niche that needs filling because as smoking Joe will admit over and over again when he was living Back in Texas. He never in a millionaires thought he'd be in the Texas barbecue business in Lake Atitlan, Guatemala He loved barbecue Texas style as to most gringos, but no one was doing it So he filled that niche and believe me people don't flock to his gig for his personality He's kind of a crotchety irritable kind of guy. Oh All right now for more Covidian news and some Nastiness coming out of Canada and here we thought Canada was just a light version of the US Well, listen to this just a few days ago. Canada announced heavy new restrictions including monitored Quarantines for travelers coming in from other countries, especially Mexico and the Caribbean

[23:02] Making it mandatory for travelers to quarantine in a hotel at their own expense once they arrive in Canada and They're suspending all airline service to Mexico and all Caribbean destinations until at least April 30th and there will be mandatory PCR testing at the airports for people returning to Canada from anywhere Then after you've been tested You'll have to wait for three days at an approved hotel for the test results at your own expense With the estimated expense per person out of your own pocket around two thousand dollars each Then if you have a negative test, you'll still have to quarantine at home for ten days under significantly increased surveillance and enforcement now that estimated $2,000 per person cost for a hotel stay includes the cost for a private PCR test

[23:52] Security food and the cost of the measures designated by the hotel to keep their workers safe from the deadly scourge according to Canada's chief public health officer Comrade Teresa Tam that two thousand other cost is a ballpark because we're not talking about regular facilities You'll spend those first three days at a facility that has infection prevention control measures Security and other costs it won't be just a regular stay at a hotel. She said that's not all Comrade Tam says the test will be required also on the tenth day of your quarantine So that means everyone arriving in Canada is subject to a mandatory 14 day quarantine Those with positive tests will be returned immediately to quarantine at a designated government facility to make sure you're not carrying the deadly

[24:44] Variant. All right me Johnny here. I read somewhere that the variant is a 1,054 and a half percent to the nth power lethal though I could be wrong But that's not all Canada's knuckle dragger in chief comrade Trudeau Released a statement saying that Canada's major airlines have agreed to suspend flights to all the Sun and fun destinations immediately Yeah, right. Come on. Don't tell me they agreed to cut their own throats and kill off their own business Furthermore comrade Trudeau said that Air Canada WestJet Sunwing Air Transit, etc Cancelling their service to all Caribbean destinations and Mexico to comply with the measures furthermore like we need another furthermore Canada's Fuhrer in chief said starting next week all

[25:33] International passenger flights to Canada must land at one of four designated airports Vancouver Toronto Calgary and Montreal and Further beyond furthermore the People's Republic of Canada already requires everyone entering the country to self-isolate for 14 days With Canada's top health official Rikes Fuhrer Tam saying that security Contractors will be going door-to-door to check on returnees who are isolating at home So prepare yourself when you get that knock on the door Hmm. I wonder if they'll have a glocks or Lugers by the way as morale booster Your local CMP cops will be offering intermediate and advanced Interrogation and goose stepping technique said a concentration camp near you

[26:21] Masks gloves whips and jackboots will be provided. Oh, and there's a tiny little asterisk with a footnote here Let's see. I got to get my magnifying glass. It says Canadian politicians and bureaucrats are exempt from the guidelines I guess that means they can congregate party and take vacations at will so I guess no matter how much they lie Or how to face they are they'll still get their paychecks and if they're good little comrades They might even get a raise and finally we have this email from yet another Dave He says Johnny since you asked I'm absolutely not taking the vaccine either My wife happens to be a nurse and as blue-pilled as they come despite my efforts She got her second dose of the vaccine this week and was knocked on her ass for a day

[27:07] She had fever headache chills fatigue. It was ridiculous now. We're 35 healthy exercise daily Vitamin C and D the works why in the world would I volunteer for something? That's gonna make me ill when the disease itself is not even likely to be much worse. That's all folks signed Dave and confused Dave isn't that the name of a movie or a Zeppelin song or something? You've been listening to the expat files living in Latin America If you need some help with your own plan B We can schedule a one-on-one phone or Skype consult Just send me an email the expat files at gmail.com And if you want to get on the waiting list for my next week-long expat insider seminar in Central America Where you're guaranteed to get a two to five year head start on your plan B

[27:54] Send me an email the expat files at gmail.com