#105 – The Expat Files: Life, Cost, and Culture in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:03] Hi everybody, I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to The Expat Files, living in Latin America. The show that tells you what it's really like to live, work, play and or retire in Latin America. I tell it just like it is, not the version they give you in those glossy travel magazines, or the picture they paint for you in those international traveler websites, where they're only trying to sell you something. What's it really like for expats living in Latin America? Well, it's time to take off those rose colored glasses and find out. So let's get started. Again by popular demand, I'm always getting emails from people asking me about the cost of living. They want more examples about the cost of regular day-to-day things so that they might be able to do some comparisons. Well here's one for you. This week I went to go get a haircut.

[00:48] And instead of going to your usual male barber shop, a lot of times I just choose to go to a woman's hair salon because the atmosphere is always just a little more upbeat and happy. And of course, who could complain about young girls running their fingers through your hair? And if you want, you could have a young gay hairdresser run his fingers through your hair just like in the first world, if you want. And as you might imagine, just like in the first world, the gay population is a little bit overrepresented in certain fields like hairdressing, the food services and in the hotel and hospitality business. And as you might imagine too, in a macho society like Latin America, if you're gay, you take an awful lot of heat for it. But I'll be talking about that issue in a future show, so stay tuned. And just as a little aside here, for all you first world guys looking for love, beauty pilots down in Latin America are the perfect place to find love and romance, as well as

[01:34] a haircut, if that's what you're looking for. In fact, this is what I notice almost every time I go into a beauty pilot. And of course, I'm talking about beauty pilots off the high volume tourist track. And when a first world guy walks into one of those beauty pilots off the tourist track, every girl at every station gives you a quick look because they've never had a first world person even walk into their beauty pilot before, much less cut a first world guy's hair. And you just know that the unmarried ones are sizing you up for possible boyfriend material and probably some of the married ones are too. And I'm serious, 99% of these beauty pilots never had a single first world guy ever walk into their place. And how do I know that? Well, when I go in, I always ask, I mean, you have to make conversation, right? So I always ask, do you have a lot of gringo customers? And every single time they say, no, you're the first one, you never find out if you don't

[02:23] ask, right? And as my girl crazy buddy, expat Eddie always says, every single beauty pilot in Latin America has at least one or two knockouts working there. And as chance would have it, usually when you walk in, they put you with whoever's available, right? And not necessarily with the young, beautiful, available one that Eddie wants to chat up. So Eddie says he sits down and gets his hair cut, and he checks out all the ladies and what they're saying. And he gets a bead on the place that he comes back a week or two later, either in the morning when the place first opens or at lunchtime when they all trickle out the door to one of the local kiosks to eat their lunch. Well, that's when Eddie hones in on the girl he wants to chat up. And he asks her if she's got a spot in her schedule to trim his hair that day. And because it's the third world, Latin American beauty parlors are as laid back and disorganized as everything else down here. And nobody really has a fixed schedule.

[03:09] You just pop in and wait for an opening. Like a guy does at a regular barber shop in the States. So anyway, that's one of expat Eddie's schemes for picking up beautiful girls. And the reason why it works so well for him, and practically anyone else who might want to try it, even though Eddie's not what you'd consider handsome or in any way a chick magnet up in the first world. In fact, I hate to say it, but he does lean a bit genetically towards white trash. But that doesn't matter down here in Latin America because Latins don't know white trash from the White House. Though Clinton did have white trash jeans now, didn't he? Anyway, expat Eddie's so successful with the girls down here because he's got that thing I like to call the gringo advantage, where there's always an extra two or three points added to your score as soon as you get down here in Latin America, simply because of the fact that Latins in general, male and female, stereotype us as something much better than

[03:56] we really are. You know, rich, smart, totally in control, successful, honest, trustworthy, and all that. To them, we're the epitome of the American dream. And outside those high volume tourist areas like Costa Rica and Panama, it's been estimated that only one out of twenty Latin American people has ever even spoken one single word to a first world gringo, much less actually met one face to face and actually been introduced to one. That and what's never happens outside of tourist destinations. And that's why when we do come down here, we have so many advantages. Latins would rather believe the myths about us than the reality. So anyway, as soon as expat Eddie or me, or any first world person, walks into a beauty parlor down here and wants a haircut, well, it's a big event for the girls and ladies working there. And whether you know it or not, you're the center of attention. And I'll bet you ten to one that every single one of those ladies went home that night and

[04:45] mentioned over the dinner table that a handsome gringo came in that day and had his haircut. And the reality is he probably wasn't handsome at all. He probably looked like me or expat Eddie. But like I said, you have that gringo advantage going for you, which is like winning a kind of a lottery. So when an average guy like me gets down here to Latin America, we actually get to find out what it's like to be the captain of the football team, the most handsome guy in class or the guy that sells the best drugs. That's what I call the gringo advantage. You get the idea. So the other day I walk into this popular beauty parlor in this big Latin American city of about two million people, a destination way off the tourist track, I might add. And as usual, I got the royal treatment. And the thing is, since I'm closing in on middle age myself, I'm getting a little gray around the edges. So I asked how much it would be to have my hair dyed. You know, get the gray out so that when I lie about my age and say I'm in my late thirties,

[05:34] I don't look like an obvious BS-er. And anyway, the people down here in Latin America are the worst age guessers I've ever met. They're always off 10 or 20 years on the low side, no matter who you are. An expat eddy always takes advantage of Latin's and their poor guessing abilities. So if one of them asks him how old he is, he always says, take a guess, adivina, which means guess in Spanish. Adivina, he says. And they're always off by 10 or so years on the low side. So whatever they say, whether it's 32, 35, or 37, he always gives the same reply. He says, I'm impressed, you're a really good guesser. And that's an answer that makes everyone happy, including Eddie. And to tell you the truth, I've stolen that line from expat eddy because you have a lot of fun with it, believe me. Now when Latin's asked me my age, especially when women ask me my age, I say the same thing,

[06:20] adivina, guess. And whatever number they give, I use Eddie's line. I'm impressed, you're a really good guesser. Thanks for that one, expat eddy. And I'll never figure out why they peg most of us 10 or 15 years younger than we really are. But it happens to me and my expat friends all the time. I guess that's why when you go to a circus or amusement park down here in Latin America, they've got every type of sideshow and gallery like they have up in the first world. But you find that down here, they'll never have a guy on the midway guessing you wait for a buck. That would be a losing proposition for the guy. So anyway, I walked into that beauty parlor and asked how much would it cost to have my hair dyed? You know, get the gray out. And guess what? It costs all of 10 bucks. And that's complete, including first world products. And down here for a man to have his haircut at a lady's beauty salon, they charge about

[07:05] five bucks. But if you go to a barbershop, a man's barbershop, that is, the range is anywhere from a dollar and a half to three dollars. But the male barbershops down here in Latin America are pretty much like walking back in time to the 1960s, kind of like Floyd's barbershop was in Mayberry on the Andy Griffiths show. If you remember that, it's a real walk back in time and I'm not kidding. But for a dollar and a half to three bucks, you can't go wrong. And I know for sure that the barbershops down here charge about 25 percent or less of what they charge up in the first world for the same thing. Because I remember the last time I was in Chicago, I think I paid 10 or 12 dollars for a haircut. And Expat Eddie tells me that up in the United States to get your hair dyed for a man, it's at least 30 to 50 bucks and even a low end beauty parlor like cost cutters. And that's for a man. Now, if a woman wants to get her hair dyed professionally up in the first world in a

[07:54] beauty parlor or tinted or streaked in all those fancy ways that girls go about doing things these days, it's going to run around 75 dollars minimum, normally around 100. And of course double and triple that at the real high end beauty parlors. So this is going to be a shock for you ladies when I tell you at this particular beauty parlor, which was in a nice neighborhood and serviced middle to upper middle class clients, the cost for a lady's tint or hair dye job was 30 bucks. Which comes in right around a third or less of the cost that you'd pay up in the first world for the exact same thing. Oh and by the way, they use all the name brand first world professional products too. Like Redkin and Paul Mitchell and products that I know absolutely nothing about. So don't ask. And when you go to the medium and upper class beauty parlors, the only difference that I can see between them and the ones up in the first world, besides the great difference in price, is that they're just a little bit more ragged around the edges.

[08:42] Like pretty much everything in Latin America. You know, the bathrooms might be short on light bulbs and toilet paper and the windows and the windowsills might look like they haven't had a good cleaning in six years. Even though most of them have a cleaning lady that comes in every day. I'll tell you what, they really need a school for cleaning ladies down here. Hey, now that would be a good business for a first world expat or expat wannabe who's short of ideas and wants to come down here and start a business. I'm sure something like that would fly if you presented it as 100% gringo owned and operated. Because remember, they love everything first world down here. And I'm really not kidding you guys when I say, you can go to a Latin American barber shop and get your hair cut for a buck and a half all day long. And in any city, big or small, off the tourist trail. And when you think about it, it works out just about right when I say the average guy down here makes about 300 bucks a month.

[09:28] Think about it. If a guy cuts 10 heads a day, that means he's making 15 bucks a day. That's if he charges $1.50 a head. And hair cutting, and at least when it comes to men, is nothing but a completely labor intensive business. So if a guy's making 15 bucks a day and he's working 20 days a month, that's 300 bucks a month, right? Now, as far as paying his overhead, I don't know. But it seems like most of the barber shops down here in Latin America are generally part of the front end of a house, and the barber and his family live in the back. So if he's just cut out a room of his house for his barber shop, the only overhead the guy really has since he's already living in the house, in any case, the only overhead he's really got is the water and electricity, right? And if you look at the equipment these barbers have, it's all vintage 1960s, like Floyd's barber shop. Though admittedly, in every big shopping center down here, especially in those high-end malls

[10:16] in the central city business district, there's always a little bit higher end men's barber shop and a barber shop for kids, too. And they're always kind of first world with new equipment, and for the kids, they have oversized trucks and cars where the kids sit and get their haircuts. You know what I'm talking about, just like in the first world, kind of like a playhouse slash barber shop. And in those commercial centers, the parents do pay $5 a cut for their kids, and the men pay four or five bucks when they get their haircut there. But you won't see the common man or the lower class guys ever paying that kind of money. That's for parents and kids who are upper middle class or wealthy, a place to see and be seen. And it's really not very odd when you pass one of these places and you see a few body guards standing outside or roaming the halls nearby. Because don't you know, it's always standard practice to bring your bodyguards when you get your haircut.

[11:02] I mean, how's anybody going to know you're important and that you have dough or status or power if you don't show off your bodyguards in the upscale commercial centers? In fact, any day of the week, I could take you to a high-end commercial center and show you that at certain times of the day, there are more bodyguards walking around than there are actual clients. Now that's especially true when a first world fitness franchise like Gold's Gym or Scandinavian Gym or World Gym are located in a big upscale commercial center. Those places are magnets for wealthy women who are first world wannabes. And it's a perfect place for them to gather every morning, show off their $300 exercise outfits and coffee clutch. And though some of them actually do exercise once in a while, most of them prefer to do yoga and new age stuff so they don't actually have to work too hard and God forbid break a sweat. Now you park in that parking lot early in the morning and you'll see all kinds of expensive

[11:51] SUVs with tinted windows and their bodyguard brigade, with their sunglasses and dark suits and their arms folded, trying to match those poses and the attitude that bodyguards have in Hollywood movies. Though this is Latin America so they never quite pull it off. And believe it or not, among the bodyguards there's a lot of competition too. Though they all get paid between $300 and $500 a month, between them it's all about what kind of suit you wear and what kind of gun you carry. Now you're very low end bodyguards, the ones that don't even have suits, but are wearing regular casual civilian clothes. Generally they're the bodyguards of rich coffee, cotton, tobacco and sugar farmers and businessmen who live out in the boonies or in small towns of 50,000 people or less. When you spot them in a big city, they're coming in from far away, from a long distance.

[12:36] And since they're from out in the sticks, they're not concerned much with bodyguards as fashion symbols or bodyguard one upsmanship. Not like those big city bodyguards, where there's a definite hierarchy. And you can always spot these guys in a dirty, late model pickup truck, coming into town with their boss, usually on a buying trip or to pick up stuff they need for their business. Or to guard their boss when he goes to the bank. And sometimes these bodyguards will look so rustic, that they'll come into the big city with their boss, still wearing their farmer jeans and their cowboy boots and hats. And sometimes their boss will be dressed exactly the same, only he'll be more clean and polished. In fact, a week or so ago, when a friend of mine was down here from New York and I was showing him around, we were sitting outside a little restaurant in a big commercial center. A wealthier commercial center. And we were sitting at a table about 20 feet away from a bank entrance.

[13:23] And as we sat there watching the people go in and out, we noticed there were three or four bodyguards outside packing heat, some packing even more than one gun. And they looked like they'd come right off the farm. I mean, you won't see anything like that up in the first world, I'm sure of that. And speaking of guns, that's the other thing that the bodyguards are in competition with themselves about. Down here, the upper-end guards, the ones that make about 500 bucks a month, the guys who have matching dark suits and fake gray bands and even earbuds sometimes. And by the way, sometimes those earbuds are just for show, they're not even connected to anything, not a cell phone or a walkie talkie. But they sure make him look the part. I mean, it's all about show now, isn't it? Anyway, these high-end bodyguards, the ones that make 500 a month, the ultimate gun for them is a Glock. And you might know it's an Austrian gun, which makes it all the more desirable, because it's

[14:10] made in the first world, and a lot of first-world police departments and the FBI carry them. So naturally, to be issued a Glock is a dream for any third-world bodyguard. I mean, a guy in any profession wants to have the best tools now, right? Even if they're way out of your price range, you can always dream. Now down here in Latin America, a Glock pistol usually runs close to $2,000, which is about a third of a year's salary for the average bodyguard. So obviously, he's not gonna get a Glock on his own. And the only way he's gonna get one is if his boss wants to prove to the other wealthy people he's trying to impress, that money is no object to him and he can afford to outfit his bodyguards with ultra-high-quality crap like that. Even though we all know, in effect, a bullet from a $350 Brazilian-made Taurus will kill you just as dead as a bullet from a $2,000 Glock.

[14:56] Only you see, a Glock in a hand-tooled holster looks about a thousand times cooler than a beat-up old Taurus. And it's a funny thing, bodyguards who have Tauruses, Larsons, Ravens, and high-point guns, the cheap handguns that run only a couple hundred bucks, well, bodyguards like to keep those well-hidden because it shows that their boss is kind of a cheapskate. But now those FBI wannabe bodyguards, the ones with the suits and the glasses, the ones whose bosses did issue them a Glock, well, as you might have figured, they like to display those things. Because if you do have one of those high-end jobs, it's no good to have one unless everybody knows about it, right? So when they're out in the job, they flash it just enough so that the other bodyguards that they happen to run into are green with envy. And about this bodyguard thing, which believe it or not, even though I'm from Chicago, was a completely new thing to me. I lived up in Chicago for more than 30 years.

[15:44] And I don't even think I ever saw a real-life bodyguard up there, except when Mayor Daley was meeting an equally pompous jerk-off from Washington. Maybe first-world bodyguards are trained to keep themselves way in the shadows. I don't know. But I do know this, multi-millionaires, even billionaires in Chicago, don't have bodyguards. So when I first came down to Latin America, obviously I was surprised to see him walking around in practically every big commercial center. Now that's tough enough to swallow as it is. And it's almost as if, in some circles, if you don't have a bodyguard, or two, then you're a nobody. But here's the thing I'll never get. Here's a guy making $300 to $500 a month, most of them wearing suits and sunglasses and earbuds and sometimes even carrying $2,000 glocks. But every night when that job's over, when they go back home, they walk into a house with a tin roof and cold running water.

[16:31] And I'll bet you 10 to 1, the water is rationed and doesn't even flow all day. So that guy with the three-piece suit, the Glock and the Ray-Ban glasses, is basically living what we would consider up in the first world, a life of dire poverty. But if you didn't know that and you saw him on the job, you'd think he was a real somebody and had the world on the string. And think about this. I guarantee you that a bodyguard's house doesn't have a dishwasher, a clothes dryer, a garbage disposal, or even a hot water heater, not on $300 to $500 a month. And let's not even talk about owning a car, on $300 to $500 a month, a cheap, rice-burning motorcycle maybe, but not a car. But once they're back on the job again, well, a sudden metamorphosis occurs. Now he's not a poor guy in a cold water flat with a tin roof anymore. He's sitting in a $50,000 SUV guarding a guy with his Glock.

[17:20] Or should I say, putting on a babysitting show because that's really all it amounts to. And when he's not driving his boss around, he's sitting on leather furniture in his boss's spoiled kids, who are driving around in their own cars, worth more than the bodyguard's own tin roof house. Talk about disparity in income. Latin America takes the cake for that, that's for sure. But you know, every middle class and lower middle class male down here, especially those who are ex-military, they all have their sights set on being an upscale bodyguard. That's the pinnacle for the uneducated tough guy down here. Because in effect, if you could snag a job like that, you pretty much got it made the rest of your working life. Most bodyguards will admit it's the easiest job in the world. When they're not in one of his luxury digs, they get to travel around with their boss

[18:05] and they're always in and out of high class restaurants and bars and hotels. And naturally, when they're on the road, a bodyguard gets to eat off the menu at those high class restaurants and hotels, just like his boss. And since the job is 99.9% show, a bodyguard almost never has to get in a tussle with anyone, much less pull his gun or even fire it. So as you can see, although there's not much room for advancement, it's a great job to have. And the question comes up, is it a good job for an expat to have? And we know expats are always looking for an opportunity to work down here. Every new expat that comes down is looking for a way to get some cash and it's always easier to get a regular salary job than start a business yourself. And over the years, I've had a chance to talk to military guys, US military guys, and I meet guys like that once in a while at expat bars and they're usually attached to the embassy

[18:51] or down here on some contract basis that they really don't want to talk about. And you know, I've heard that some of these guys have been approached by rich Latin guys down here and they've been asked if they'd like to stay on as bodyguards for these rich guys after their contract or their tour of duty expires. And again, it's all for show. Imagine the effect if a Latin guy had a bodyguard who is an actual first world ex-marine, for example. I mean, if he was protecting you, a rich Latin guy, you'd be the envy of all your upper class Latin friends and their Latin bodyguards. Those Latin bodyguards, in actuality, being 6th grade educated, Kevin Costner wannabes. You know the old saying, you can't make a silk purse out of a sousier, well that works for bodyguards too. I mean, you could give them Ray-Bans in an Armani suit. But when they have to pee, they're just going to walk over to a bush and whip it out Latin

[19:38] style because that's just what they do down here. When they have to pee, they just whip it out and that's that. Even the cops and the firemen and the municipal workers do it. That's what you get when you put together a 6th grade education with a chronic shortage of water. Well anyway, you know those US military guys that told me that they'd been approached by rich Latin guys to be bodyguards? Well eventually they all ended up turning those jobs down because of the money. Because early in the negotiations when the subject of salary came up and the soon to be ex-US military guy said he'd like 50, 60 or 70 thousand bucks a year or even more. And why wouldn't a first world guy ask for that kind of money? That's what he'd get if he worked for a really rich guy up in the first world, wouldn't he? Well that was a roadblock that even a rich Latin guy could never get over. You know, you don't get rich in Latin America paying those kind of first world salaries.

[20:25] Just think of it, down here for 50 or 60 thousand dollars a year, you could hire 10 Latin American bodyguards. 10! That means if you hire a US ex-military guy, if you were working with the same security budget you'd have to lay off 10 of your cheap Latin bodyguards. So the bottom line is any of you expat wannabes up there who have a police or military background and would like to come down here and work as a bodyguard for a rich guy, well good luck. Oh, you'll find a job with one of these guys guaranteed even if your Spanish stinks. That doesn't matter, you'd still be the dream team bodyguard for any rich Latin American guy who wants to make the biggest of impressions. However, if you take the job you'll end up making poverty wages. Now one ex-Marine told me he was negotiating with a rich Latin guy to be his bodyguard in Peru and was able to get his prospective rich Latin boss up to about 1500 dollars a

[21:14] month in salary, which only works out to about 18 grand a year. And believe me, you can live high on the hog down here on 18 grand a year. But aside from that, that's virtually poverty roll when you talk in first world wages. But it's triple the 500 dollars a month that a regular Latin high paid bodyguard gets down here. So naturally this US military guy turned the job down. And just as an aside, he said he really didn't want to be working for a pretentious stinking rich Latin guy anyway. He said his heart wasn't in it and he didn't feel like getting up every morning to face that prospect. Not to mention he'd be rubbing elbows all day long with 6th grade educated Latin bodyguards. Please what a revolt and development that would be, huh? And that folks is why you see almost no first world people as bodyguards down here. Not guarding Latin people anyway. Though sometimes you'll see 100% first world bodyguards when there's a big international

[22:03] convention down here in one of the Latin American big cities and in that case some of the first world bigwigs will have some bodyguards assigned to them by their transnational company or their government. And those first world bodyguards are working for a company up in the first world and are contracted out for international events like that. And in fact I've seen hundreds if not thousands of bodyguards in my 20 years down here and I've never seen a first world person guarding a Latin or his family. When you have to pay a first world bodyguard 10 times or more what should pay your own people, it's obvious that a huge disparity in salary like that would surely cause the natives to get restless if they ever found out. Talk about dissension in the ranks. Take all you ex-pet wannabes up there in the first world who have a job, I mean if you still have a job. If there's someone who works alongside you who's doing the same job but he makes just

[22:51] a few bucks more than you, it kind of rubs you the wrong way now doesn't it? Well now imagine a guy working alongside you doing the exact same job making 10 times what you make. That's definitely not good for morale is it? And the reason why I'm on this bodyguard subject at all today is because well they're everywhere. You practically can't go into a big shopping center or supermarket and not see a bunch of them. Because if they're in your face you might as well know something about them and it is part of the lifestyle down here so you have to get used to it. And now I've saved for the end one little bodyguard story of my own which I think you're going to find amusing. Now a couple of weeks ago it was Halloween right? And though the Halloween traditional thing was never big down here and trick or treating almost non-existent because people would never think of sending their kids out on the streets at night. That would be a no-no down here in Latin America since the police are corrupt and inefficient

[23:39] and every other street light is blown out. So for those reasons and a lot of other ones you don't want to send your kids out at night believe me. Though the kids do the Halloween thing at school and costumes and all that that's about all they get involved with. However in some of the wealthy gated subdivisions the kids do go trick or treating at night and if you didn't know you were in Latin America it looks a lot like it does in the first world because the houses are nice first world style. The cars are nice the streets are all nicely paved and clean and the street lights all work. But I'm talking about only in the higher end subdivisions in gated communities. Now Halloween night I happen to be visiting my lawyer's house and of course he lives in one of those nice gated communities. And when I got out of the car I noticed a lot of kids trick or treating. And once I got inside the lawyer's house the doorbell would ring once in a while and I'd look outside to see what kind of costumes the kids had on.

[24:24] And here's the thing the kids would walk up to the door say trick or treat but there'd be a bodyguard or two standing about 20 feet back on the sidewalk standing in the shadows by the curb shooting the breeze with another bodyguard or two. Now that you don't see up in the first world I'm telling you. And I'm thinking come on it's Halloween why don't the bodyguards get into the act. I mean they could have like a wolfman or a George Bush mascot or something. But no they're standing back all serious in their three-piece dark suits keeping an eye on little Julio and Juanita dressed as Smurfs. But that's not all it just so happened the week before Halloween the circus was in town and they had a midway with all the usual rides you know the twister and the hammer and the scrambler and the wild mouse at least the modern versions of that stuff. And anyway to keep up with the spirit of the season they had a haunted house.

[25:10] And I must say it was a pretty damn good haunted house too. And actually gave me a few shocks when I went through it. I mean not only did they have the usual blast of compressed air up your legs and skeleton fingers touching your shoulders once in a while. They actually had a couple of guys running around through the place with chainsaws and they were actually powered up of course without the blade. But nobody can really tell that and they were scary as hell because they'd stick it right in your face and along your backside. And when they'd rev up that motor it would really get to you. Anyway I'm walking through this haunted house on a tiny little passageway and there's two kids in front of me about eight and nine years old a little boy and girl that are just so dead scared they're paralyzed and can't move on ahead. So they're blocking the traffic and I can't get through and the people behind me can't get through. So I work my way in front of them and the little kid grabs me by the shoulder and starts following and a little girl behind him.

[25:57] And when we turn the corner and I get to the next passageway which is a little bit wider and there's some light in there, there's an angry looking bodyguard staring me down. And when we all finally ended up exiting the place I noticed there was a bodyguard in front of me, two kids behind me and another bodyguard behind them. So somehow in that fun house and all the dark passages and twists and turns I ended up getting wedged right into that cocoon with those two kids who were being guarded by two bodyguards even inside that haunted house. Now I ask you, how much fun could that be for a kid? And I wish I could show you the dirty looks they gave me when they realized I had broken into that personal space of those two kids they were guarding. And I guess that's exactly what they're supposed to protect those kids against, someone getting into their space like me. So they probably could have got fired if the boss ever found out.

[26:43] Or maybe I could have got shot, who knows. And anyway the rest of the night on that midway, I saw those two kids every once in a while riding the roller coasters and the bumper cars in the amusements. Always with one bodyguard standing at the entrance to the ride and the other bodyguard sitting shotgun in one of the rides that the kids were on at the moment. And the thing is, they weren't the only two bodyguards I saw that night. I saw at least a dozen more. Most of them hanging around in the parking lot or just standing firm trying to look menacing on the midway. Now if you saw something like that happen up in the first world, I'm sure everyone would comment on it. It would be the talk of the night. I mean you'd wonder if Sting or Madonna or the Pope was in town now, wouldn't you? But down here, the people are just so used to it, it doesn't even deserve a double take. Except by expats like me who like to make fun of it. And first world visitors who just can't get over the pretentiousness of it all.

[27:36] You've been listening to The Expat Files, living in Latin America. Coming to you each week from somewhere south of the border. And don't forget you can email me on anything at all about Latin America, theexpatfiles at gmail.com. Once again, The Expat Files at gmail.com. See you next time on Spamos.