#1083 – The Expat Files: Navigating Life, Culture, and Relationships in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came up to play and now as I wonder Hello there all you ex-pat wannabes. I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started You know this Covid at plandemic stuff has prompted some interesting emails lately like for example this one from mr Kay who when he writes always has interesting things to say he says hi Johnny Hope you're doing well, and I've been enjoying your show like always today

[00:46] I was looking through your podcast archives for a certain episode and remained Unsuccessful turns out Podbean search features don't work well at all All right to comment on that bit I have to agree with your Podbean seems to be a very good place to get all the Thousand-plus expat file shows there they're all right and all the descriptions written up for them though I have to admit with all the digressions in each show I Hardly hit on all the topics when I write up those descriptions because you know I don't write up the descriptions till after I've done the show and I don't take notes on what I'm rambling about so I have to sort of piece together what I was talking about somehow and I only get to three or four topics when I Write up the descriptions though during a particular show I might hit on ten or twenty So again Podbean good for getting all the episodes bad for trying to look back in time for topics

[01:36] You might be particularly interested in and man I'll tell you over the years I've had plenty of people offering to organize my shows for me You know create some kind of efficient search function for topics But none have been completely successful. It's turned into an impossible dream You know and way too time-consuming so it looks like if you're going back into the archives looking for a certain particular thing You're on your own where's shed? I get lots of emails from people saying Johnny in a past show you were talking about plumbing or hooking up propane gas or Motorcycles in a past show can you tell me which show number in the time sequence where I can find that stuff man That's the wrong question to ask me because once I'm done doing a show It's out of sight out of mind, and I never listen to him again Well almost never in fact on the rare occasion that I'm forced to go back and listen to my shows for whatever reason like for

[02:24] example people send me emails saying Johnny on your last show or third to last show there was some dropouts or dead spaces of Course that's very rare, but has happened, so I'll check it out anyway on the rare occasion I do go back and listen sometimes. It's a surprise to me to hear what I'm talking about. Oh well I just hope I'm not repeating myself or my story is too much Though I'm sure listeners would let me know if that was happening or would you but back to mr. K's email He says Johnny There was a story that you once told about a guy who posed as a doctor to get through checkpoints quickly in Latin America You also talked about a store that you could buy all that stuff. You know stethoscope doctors uniform, etc Do you know the date of that episode well mr. K? I remember doing that episode, but I don't remember when it was however you can get a stethoscope a doctor's bag and a doctor's

[03:15] Smock or uniform on? Amazon best thing to do though if you're serious about it you take that white or blue smock to a seamstress and have your name Dr. K embroidered on it along with maybe the hospital of your new identity too and adding that little snakey serpent Medical logo wouldn't hurt either and you know I don't think there's a single thing illegal about that as long as you don't go into a hospital and actually try to practice as A doctor or see patients, but you're certain to get through lines and checkpoints in a hurry And you'll get a lot of undeserved respect, too But you have to hope no one has a heart attack while you're nearby because then you'll be on a stage of sorts And you'll have to come up with an Academy Award performance then again You might claim Montezuma's revenge and duck into the John again. I'm not necessarily recommending you do any of these things

[04:00] I'm just rehashing what I spoke about in that episode a long time ago crazier yet You longtime listeners might recall the story I once told about my childhood buddy a lifelong trickster and scammer You know you can't pick your childhood friends, right? If there's a kid the same age living next door to you or a couple doors down chances are he's gonna end up being your friend Maybe a lifelong friend. Anyway, my childhood buddy who turned out to be a notorious and sneaky scammer Nickel-and-dime stuff really nothing serious. Anyway, he's always been lucky for example He fell into a great little scammy kind of profession suits him well by getting one of those online pastor slash ministry certificates and Apparently some of those outfits are legal enough so that if you pay your dough and fill out the forms you can actually perform wedding ceremonies Legally, which he does and he built up that business some years back when states first started to legalize same-sex marriages

[04:52] And many of those couples wanted a real religious ceremony and they wouldn't do that kind of stuff in a Catholic or Protestant church So they'd call in guys like my buddy to do a quasi religious ceremony in a park garden or resort setting And man, I'll tell you his appointment book filled in a hurry There are lots of very wealthy same-sex couples out there who will pay big to have a guy officiate a religious Ceremony at their wedding after all most same-sex marriage partners don't have kids That means they've never had the giant expense of rearing kids and saving for college and all that whatever excess dough They have they can spend on themselves and they do my buddy explained it all to me In fact a few years back when he came down to visit me in Guatemala His phone was ringing all the time with inquiries from people wanting to arrange the details of a ceremony

[05:37] In fact, he told me sometimes the deal includes all expense paid trips to places like Hawaii Bahamas that came in islands again because lots of same-sex couples have real dough and thus when they get married spare no expense Anyway, this guy's got all the paraphernalia, you know, the clerical jackets suits and collars the right prayer book shoes and cross In fact when he came down, he gave me a nice gift of a shirt with a clerical collar Would be good for Halloween, but he'll ever use it otherwise and he's really not authorized to use any of that stuff But he uses it all the time. Technically unless he's trying to scam people. There's no law against it I'm telling you the moment he got off the plane when people here in Latin America got a glimpse of that collar It was like the parting of the Red Sea talk about the gringo advantage giving you two more points The clerical advantage gives you two more on top of that after all Latin Americans are extremely

[06:27] Religious compared to people up in the States Canada or Europe So anyway, of course I asked him where you got that stuff and he led me to a website that sells all kinds of religious paraphernalia Leave for all religious sex, but is it legal to wear that stuff? Well, I think the only way you could really get into trouble is if you actually started recruiting people under false pretenses and asking for money But he's got the paperwork as flimsy as it might be though Technically that Catholic priest collar is stretching it quite a bit for him because he's no Catholic priest and they've got that Oh so noticeable and distinct collar But hey, it certainly gets him to the front of the line though when he pulls that kind of stuff in front of me I always wince thinking someday someone's gonna call his bluff But like I said, you're kind of stuck for life with a certain kind of bond with your childhood buddies No matter how irritating they might turn out to be as adults. Oh and mr. K back to the impersonating a doctor thing

[07:19] Besides Amazon you can buy all kinds of medical supplies and uniforms and smocks for medical specialties to through this outfit called Henry shine medical supplies It's like the Amazon of the medical profession if you check it out on the net You'll find you could outfit an entire hospital if you're so inclined by just ordering from the Henry shine Catalog online and even if you don't order a single thing, it's a very interesting read anyway Alright now comes this email from an expat insider Seminar attendee Larry a very cool smart and thoughtful guy. He says hey Johnny My wife and I both got kovat in March of 2020 by the way He's a 60 something Manhattan, New York City kind of guy Anyway, he says he got kovat and it took pretty much two weeks to have it pass much longer than the regular flu stuff

[08:07] But New York City itself looked far sicker He says it looked like the end of the world movie where the end has already happened with no one in the streets He says I got off the plane at LaGuardia and the lights at all the baggage claims were off There was one spotlight on one bag and it was mine at the very end of the claim area. No one was there He says I walked outside and saw a few cops New York City a love of my life had died There she lay it took some muscle to choke back the tears He says within minutes tears turned to anger and I just wanted to choke to death whoever turned the world to shit But buses were free and the driver sat in front of ten empty rows of seats behind his plastic shield You'd have to enter an exit at the side door

[08:55] Absolutely shocking. I was sick then in there Some things are worse than kovat at least with kovat two weeks later I was better the phrase comfortably numb comes to mind But I got back off the ground and dusted myself off. I'm getting ready for the next round signed Larry PS the ladies south of the border cannot be beat as you say Johnny a Five can get you a nine now for all you listeners who might be thinking Larry's PS is a little cryptic. You see Larry is married to a Venezuelan girl She's the love of his life And of course when he says in that respect the five can get you nine That's all part of that gringo advantage thing we talk about when he talks about a five he's talking about guys like me a solid five or

[09:41] Maybe I'm a soft six by Chicago standards. Anyway, well when you go down to Latin America suddenly in the eyes of Latinas You automatically get two or three extra points for absolutely no reason except for the fact that you're a gringo so much for equality In a level playing field, huh? I'm sure those weenie woke stirs don't like that concept one bit by the way That also means if you're a two or three end up being a five or six Of course, we're talking about gringo guys now Gringas gringo ladies once they hit Latin America, they truly are superstars No, the double-edged sword there is Latino guys are Notorious womanizers and they've got no shame about it. They'll admit it. They'll say they've got a gene for it They actually believe it's genetic their uncle's cheat their father's cheat their brothers cheat. I know I know it's wrong to say

[10:28] Every single one of them cheats, but man, I'd say in all the time. I've been down here in Latin America I've only met two Latinos who I'm absolutely certain won't or didn't cheat on their wives But they're both nerds and being a quasi nerd ish engineer in a past life I can honestly say that engineers and most all nerds are not prone to screwing around In fact, most of them when hooked up with a nice lady feel lucky to have a woman at all Of course when nerdish guys start raking in the big bucks all bets are off. Look at Elon Musk He's been married a few times and has a few kids from different women Funny how rich nerds who get a lot of media exposure become like rock stars But without the dough and the media coverage forget about it. And again, I repeat the reason why Latinas down here in Latin America I'm not talking about Latinas born and bred up in the states. They're virtually gringas

[11:16] I'm talking about Latin American born and bred girls They always give us gringos way too many points than we deserve and it all boils down to the disappointments They've had with their own womanizing men. In fact, I don't think I've ever met a single Latina over 18 years old Who hasn't been cheated on I've heard that same story from every Latina I've dated I've heard the same stories from all their friends, too And really when you think about it, there are so few gringos and gringas except on the tourist trail everywhere else We're rarities. Oh and let's talk about love and romance on the tourist trail for a second It's a place for flings and one-nighters, but not for long-standing relationships Why because latinas and latinos know it's not a good deal to hook up with someone who's just coming in for a week or Two there's no future in it for them and even with love and romance off the gringo tourist trail a latina girl or latino

[12:04] Guy will try to qualify you right away How long you're down here for is one of the first questions that pops up and if you say you're just visiting or you're in And out for a week or two, you're likely to get a gentle brush off from the latinas That is of course on the flip side when a gringa meets a Latino and says she's only in town for a week or so Of course, he'll keep plugging away because he wants that quick affair and of course some Americans aren't today You know, there's that age-old cliche about vacation flings, right? But really I can tell you most latinas are looking for a strong solid relationship and for ninety nine point nine percent of them Latin men are the only option they know what their men are like But what options do they have one ninety nine out of a hundred men are Latinos Which is why when there's a loose gringo around and he's not just in town for a week or so Like Larry says in his email a five will get you nine and for you gringo ladies who are looking for your very own

[12:55] Antonio banderes, you know before he looked like he's an AIDS victim man. Did that guy deteriorate, huh? Anyway for you ladies a three will get you a nine You've got practically twice the regular gringo male advantage though Unfortunately, if you go that route You're most likely gonna get stuck with a guy who cheats on you and if you can deal with that I don't know too many gringas who can just be forewarned. Of course on the other side of that You might be thinking well the men are cheating with Latin women. So obviously latinas are cheating, too Of course, there's always some of that but to be completely fair about this I've spoken to a number of latinas who said they cheated on their men only Because they got him in the act They knew their own cheating would hurt him terribly and as you've heard me say on this show many times before They almost always end up going back to the guy at least give him one or two more chances worse than that

[13:44] I know one very beautiful latina who caught her longtime boyfriend They've been going out five years with a hidden second phone She opened it up and found he was cheating on her with seven different women Of course, she was destroyed by it through a mountain spent a couple of days crying But a lady friend of hers told me after a couple of weeks She saw him together again, by the way that beautiful Latina asked me if I could find her a gringo boyfriend Hey, I get that all the time. You know the drill Do you have any brothers cousins even old gringo friends with pacemakers who are still breathing now? If there's one thing I absolutely hate is being a matchmaker and latinas They love being matchmakers and I think gringas. I like that too. My sisters are must be a universal female thing But believe me, I know matchmaking is too hit-and-miss too testy I don't want that responsibility though with this very same very beautiful latina lady because I knew she'd be a great catch

[14:36] She's a really good girl And I did get pressured into at least doing the introductions to a very cool gringo expat seminar Multiple attendee who was going through a bad divorce himself But the hookup never materialized because he keeps yo-yoing back and forth with his wife. Mr. K You know who you are you chickened out on me and in a way I was relieved again because matchmaking is not my thing Oh, and I'll let you in on a not so secret secret at my expat insider seminars I'd say about a quarter of the people there are single men almost all of them divorced with kids in college or Grown-up kids and most of them do drop hints that they're looking for a nice stable relationship with a latina and man all the while I'm thinking I know so many nice beautiful latinas that would love to have a gringo boyfriend But I don't want to be a matchmaker and really the only time I ever stuck my neck out was well with the one I

[15:26] Just mentioned oh and for my brother and you know, it's a funny thing I've spoken to lots of latinas who have gringo husbands or boyfriends down here in Latin America Of course not up in the States when it happens down here every last latina tells me the same story They just love being in a gringo relationship They say it's infinitely better than being in a relationship with even a really handsome latina. You can't trust though I have to mention almost all latinas who have gringo boyfriends say they had a little difficulty adjusting at first They've told me we're way too picky. We criticize a lot We're not too emotive and we're complainers now. They never mention how bad we dance. That's a given Of course, they're comparing gringo males to their latino male counterparts who are much more easygoing But get this after they have a gringo boyfriend

[16:13] They little by little start seeing their world through the eyes of their gringo mate They soon realize their gringo boyfriends a great provider and doesn't be as much well Not too much and this is a biggie We don't slap around beat or be rate our women though. There is one singular complaint I hear over and over again gringo boyfriends almost never fly into jealous rages And that's a bad thing. Well for them because for latinas that's often equated with love So if you don't have a jealous rage once in a while They don't think you love them and they'll tell you so because man They're experts themselves at throwing a jealous tantrum They expect it cuz their guys are always doing it and when you don't because for us gringos It's generally not our style There will be some weepy moments when you have to explain all that to him Question is you gringos who are looking for that kind of relationship. Are you ready for that kind of drama?

[17:00] Well, most gringos who've been through it will tell you it's in the long run Absolutely worth it, but there will be lots and lots of cultural misunderstandings at first the point being though Latinas with gringo boyfriends will tell you they'll never go out with a latino again I hear that all the time. Oh and by the way about this matchmaking stuff I tell you that would be a hell of a money making gringo business plan a gringo owned and operated matchmaking service Live and in person down here. I know I know there are plenty of services like that online But most of them are just crap. How can you trust them? I just know there's a huge pent-up demand within the latina community for real live gringos And that's all I'm gonna say about it except that the biggest problem is most gringos don't know enough Spanish to order a Taco Bell And the latinas that want to get into that game the latinas that really count the ones with a heart of gold

[17:49] Don't speak any English and that's another dirty little secret It seems the more English a latina knows the more she's been jaded by social media and those terribly mind-numbing shows like the retired Ascians, of course, that's not a cut-and-dried rule. That is the more English They know the more jaded they are but somehow it seems to turn out that way Oh and guys another precautionary tip-off is if your latina has made a trip or two or ten to the US I mean legally, of course that for sure means she's from an upper middle class or wealthy family and that she went to helicopter schools herself So look out you just might be dealing with an entitled child of the rich and that entails a completely different set of problems Sometimes insurmountable problems when here's another observation I've done many seminars now and there are always single lady attendees yet

[18:36] I've never had a single one of them pull me aside and mention that finding a Latino boyfriend or soulmate was on their bucket list Go figure, huh? But believe me doesn't take long for a single gringa lady to find a Latino guy of her dreams Only it never seems to turn out well when she discovers his cheating or lying ways and one of the biggest lies they tell And I've heard this over and over again Is that he's single or unattached or divorced gringas aren't stupid eventually they find out the truth often He's got a wife and family on the other side of town or even two or a couple of kids from a couple of different women Man, you can't believe how common that is. Talk about a red flag, huh? No wonder these guys conveniently forget to bring it up now I don't want to give the impression that the whole latin male demographic lie and cheat But if I had a daughter and I don't have a daughter, well, you know where I'm going with this now

[19:23] Of course, I'm not talking about Latino men that have been born and raised middle class or upper middle class in the states They're totally gringo eyes But you know the poor and the lower middle class latinos up in the states that covers most of the illegals Of course, they carry those extremely macho traits with them when they arrive now If there's any whiny spineless woke people out there listening to this podcast You can call me a racist. Call me a bigot. Call me a dickhead Call me anything you want fact is I've been down here 30 plus years now And if you want me to sugarcoat things, well, that ain't gonna happen Of course, that means that someday you'll tune into the expat files and there will be no expat files cuz I've been canceled But hey, there's so little real truth out there. Somebody's got to take a stand, huh? Alright switching gears. Here's something that kind of bothers me

[20:09] You know, there's always lots of construction going on in Latin America. These are developing economy So they're building and building and years ago when I'd go into a big building supply or hardware store It was filled with nothing but locally made raw materials PVC pipes from Costa Rica rebar from Honduras sacs of Portland cement from Guatemala in Mexico floor tiles from Colombia in Brazil But now when you go into a building supply store, you'll find all kinds of crazy brands coming from you don't even have to guess China it was never like that 30 years ago even 10 or 15 years ago In fact, the Chinese have invaded so many markets that according to a Panama commercial construction website during the first quarter of 2021 36% of all the cement in Latin America was imported from China

[20:58] And you gotta wonder how can they possibly undercut the local guys when it's got to be driven to port loaded on a ship take 6,000 mile voyage get unloaded pay duty get re-trucked to whatever destination in Latin America How is that possible and the bigger question is is it any good are the ingredients correct? Will it stand the test of time we're talking about cement used to make concrete now The same is true for the rebar and steel business a third or more. That's coming from China, too I just don't get it they've got to be skimping on something because Wages here in Latin America are very low in factories and processing plants from three to four hundred bucks a month So to make it worthwhile either the Chinese making that stuff have to be using slave labor or be heavily

[21:43] Subsidized by the government or using substandard materials could be all of the above because think about it to ship cement and steel 10,000 miles just that cost you'd think would be absolutely prohibitive Anyway, I don't get it and now some very recent news for the LGBT WTF crowd people ask me questions about the permissibility and illegality of same-sex marriages, etc As far as the 20 Latin American countries are concerned turns out same-sex marriage is legal in six Latin countries, Ecuador, Costa Rica, Colombia, Brazil and Argentina With currently 22 out of Mexico's 32 states allowing same-sex marriage Oh, and did you know that in certain neighboring Caribbean countries homosexuality is actually illegal on the books as illegal

[22:33] Like for example in Antigua and Barbuda By the way, lots of people confuse the island of Antigua with the city of Antigua Guatemala big difference huge difference They're pronounced almost the same, but they've got a slightly different spelling All right continuing with this list of Caribbean countries where homosexuality is illegal We've got Barbados, St. Kitts and Nevis, the island of Dominica, Grenada, St. Lucia, St. Vincent and the Grenadines Of course, most of those countries don't enforce that but it's on the book says illegal Oh, by the way, there's only one Latin American country when I've never been to where homosexuality is still illegal That's Guyana in South America. In fact, this will kill you. In Guyana Cross-dressing was illegal till November 2018. In fact, this is how the legislation reads right now

[23:20] It's called section 352 any male person who in public or private Commits or is a party to the Commission or procures or attempts to procure the commission of any male person any act of gross Indecency with any other male person shall be guilty of a misdemeanor and liable to imprisonment of two years Then there's section 353 anyone who attempts to commit buggery Or assaults any person with intent to commit buggery shall be guilty of a felony and liable to imprisonment for ten years Section 354 everyone who commits buggery shall be guilty of a felony liable to imprisonment for life However, and there's a footnote here It says the law does not specifically define Buggery as these terms remain defined by common law specifically in the colonial era English common law Which Guyana inherited most of its laws from all right that said although laws regarding the illegality of?

[24:13] Homosexuality and Guiana are not known to have been enforced in recent years. There is heavy discrimination against LGBT WTF persons and it's widespread in Guiana due to the heavy influence of Christianity and biblical law By the way, a poll was taken by the Caribbean Development Research Services Company Whose result found that about 24% one-quarter of Guyan Respondents saying that they hate homosexuals while 38% were tolerant and 25% were accepting with the study concluding Evangelical Christians were the most opposed to homosexuality with non Evangelical Christians the most accepting with slightly more than half 53% of Guyanese people supporting the criminalization of homosexual acts, so there you have it just in case you wanted to know

[25:01] There's only one country in all of Latin America still living in the Dark Ages Guyana All right, and finally here's something worthy of mention now You know I've never recommended Brazil as the ideal place for gringles and expats to live work play retire and or to business Of course there are lots of little upscale islands of prosperity throughout Brazil the country itself is just a chaotic bureaucratic nightmare Which is probably why just two days ago Brazilian president Har Bolsonaro told his supporters that everyone this is a quote now Everyone should buy a rifle which on the surface sounds great for everyone who believes owning a gun as a person's right Hey, I'm all for it now Of course Brazil's president didn't come out on national TV and say that turns out Latin American telesur Reporter Nacho Lemus happened to be at that get-together

[25:50] Where he recorded the video of the president telling supporters that quote in a country with more than half the population under food insecurity and in the midst of a new crisis in the price of food gasoline and Electricity now he said is a time to buy a gun meanwhile the Brazilian Real has lost fully half of its value in the past decade with Brazil's decline Accelerating by the way Bolsonaro when he got elected promised his supporters He would ease gun control laws and that's exactly what he's done since about 2019 as of now civilians are allowed to keep up to four guns at home or in the workplace and they have access to high caliber guns that used to be restricted only to the Military or police and now they can finally purchase much more ammunition than they were able to before and he's

[26:36] Eliminated the import tax on firearms all the while, you know, one of the biggest small arms Manufacturers in the world is called Taurus tau rus founded in 1941 located in Brazil You know, it seems to me. It's pretty oxy moronic for a country to have super strict gun laws Meanwhile, one of their biggest exports happens to be firearms So the question is the president of Brazil telegraphing more chaos and crisis But really the whole world's in crisis, right? At least Brazilians will be able to defend themselves once again So what do you think about that? By the way, if you're wondering if Taurus guns are any good Well, not so much. They have trouble with many recalls. In fact in 2015 they were hit with a 39 million dollar lawsuit had to recall a

[27:24] Million handguns for safety defects. Hmm, but they're damn cheap Which once again proves you get what you pay for including this show You've been listening to the expat files living in Latin America If you need some help with your own plan be we can schedule a one-on-one phone or Skype consult Just send me an email the expat files at gmail dot com And if you want to get on the waiting list for my next week long expat insider seminar in Central America Where you're guaranteed to get a two to five year head start on your plan B Send me an email the expat files at gmail.com