#1095 – The Expat Files: Residency Software, Immigration Challenges, and Cultural Dynamics

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came up to play and now as I wonder Hello there all you ex-pat wannabes. I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started all right for all you guys and gals out there who are looking to get residency and Those of you who are in the process of getting residency in whatever Latin country I've got some news for you that you're probably not gonna like Turns out and you're not gonna read this anywhere The United States State Department has been delivering and installing a certain kind of residency software

[00:52] Basically gifting it to Latin American governments and you know, everything big daddy USA gives for free They'll take but nothing's for nothing, right? Just look at the price you pay for being on Google and Twitter the price is your anonymity your privacy and that's part of your freedom Right. So anyway, the US State Department is gifting software to quote streamline and make the residency process more efficient Hmm who'd have thought residency software even existed? I'm sure knowing the State Department they included a few back doors in that software So anyway, what that software does is automate the residency process sounds good, right? Well, not so fast think about it It makes it very easy for the US State Department to track everyone who's getting residency throughout Latin America And of course every other country in the world, too

[01:39] Now, you know before all this getting residency was a private thing between you and the country you're getting residency in the only connection to The US in the review process says that you have to have an FBI good conduct report You know a rap sheet done on yourself Then you hand that over to Latin American immigration officials and that was it regarding the US now just this week I was talking to some Latin American immigration lawyers and their take on it is this they live in Latin America So they have no idea that the US has turned into a virtual spy machine Because down here in Latin America that kind of stuff doesn't exist They haven't got the money the initiative or the will to effectively spy on their citizens or on anyone Anyway, most immigration lawyers down here. They just look at new software as progress Whereas before this software was implemented everything was done by hand all the stamp seals signatures, etc, etc

[02:25] And there's plenty of them involved in the residency process Well that made for lots of delays and occasional screw-ups because anywhere along the way one of those bureaucratic slugs could drop the ball I know lots of cases where that's happened For example the moment you sign the residency papers and hand in all the paperwork the government slugs and parasites in charge would tell you Your residency card or settler should be ready within six months And as you longtime expats know that promised six-month timeframe often stretches into a year Especially with all this Covid it stuff going on. It's the universal excuse these days, isn't it the bread stale? Covid cloudy today. It was Covid toilet not working Covid Much better than the age-old excuse manana time So then you might ask why do residencies take from six months to a year?

[03:13] Nothing could take that long after all you hand in all your paperwork. They've got everything right there in a file Well, it's more complicated than that. It's not just because you're Latin lawyers on manana time This is the whole bureaucratic chain is on manana time And though it may sound that the traditional way of doing things in immigration was a crappy system You'll see in a moment. It was really a good thing Because you see the gift of that US immigration software was supposed to simplify all that well in reality There's two things going on here It's just another way for uncle slam to keep better track of his sheep who have left the barn But more problematic the new process is all software driven with little or no human intervention and because of that Here's what's happening right now You know that once you have residency in a Latin country in order to maintain it you have to stay in that country

[03:58] A certain amount of days or weeks or months each year in the case of Guatemala For example to maintain your permanent residency you have to pop into the country at least one day a year And that's one of the things that makes Guatemala in residency So appealing because other countries some of them you have to stay there a month or two or three months a year And if your plan be entails not necessarily getting the hell out of Dodge But living up in the states most of the time and having that option It's an insurance policy that will kick in if you have to make a quick exit that way you've got a place to go And a nice network to help you along once you get there a lot of gringos do that You know they continue to live in the states popping it out of Guatemala one day a year just to maintain that permanent residency So when things get really bad up north, I know I know it's really bad already

[04:44] But some people have businesses to run etc That is the lucky ones who didn't have their business crash and burn with the covid it thing and the lockdowns So yes There are plenty of gringo expats part-time expats who pop back and forth and they have to be vigilant regarding how much time They have to spend in their Latin country to maintain residency anyway up till recently in the immigration office in Guatemala There were dozens of slugs pushing mounds of paperwork and if in the past Gringo with permanent residency happen to be a little bit off on scheduling his one day per year entrance requirement for maintaining residency Well this looks in immigration would just look the other way and give him a pass In other words if you're off by a couple of days or a month or whatever it didn't matter you'd slip right on through Oh, and by the way up till now

[05:30] Anyway, you're always able to get an extension on that one-day thing if you had a legit excuse like sickness operation death in the family Lots of reasons and then your trustee Latin immigration lawyer would fill out some paperwork and fix it for you That was always the case with most Latin countries regarding residency Generally your trusted Latin lawyer can make things happen in his country that a lawyer in the States could never make happen up there Anyway until just recently once you got your residence in a Latin country They were always pretty flexible about the time required in the country to maintain that residency But not anymore now that the US State Department has gifted immigration offices with that software If you miss that in-country requirement by one day your immigration status is canceled And if you want to get it back again

[06:16] You got to start all over from step one and the thing is with this cold video lockdown crap That's been going on for more than a year and a half now There have been quite a few gringos and expats. We just couldn't make it down for various reasons including multiple airline cancellations In fact that happened to me with Avianca Airlines. They canceled my flight three times. I'm still waiting on it I never did make the scheduled trip and some gringos overshot there one day in country for Guatemala Due to quarantine issues and being stuck in other countries at the time like Canada the UK and Australia Who've had very strict lockdown and quarantine requirements? The problem is you see a year or so ago when the lockdowns first started kicking in heavily many gringos with residency Contacted their Latin immigration lawyer and he assured them if they happen to have miscalculated on that one day requirement or had some problems

[07:08] Regarding quarantining or whatever they were told it was very likely the immigration department would give them an extension But that was before the US Treasury Department gifted them that magic software So right now I personally know a handful of gringos who got caught up in all this and are now Sol and as expat Eddie said there is not even a politician bureaucrat or a cop you can grease You can't grease software and not even software. That's in Spanish So just to put you on notice, there's no leniency anymore If you overshoot that one day a year requirement for residency in Guatemala, but it's not just Guatemala It's most all Latin countries and as you'll see shortly It's even worse in Mexico and as for the remaining bureaucratic slugs in charge. Their hands are tied since the computer program's making the decisions Oh and one more thing about that one day a year

[07:54] You have to be in Guatemala to maintain your permanent residency or in fact with any Latin American residency Requiring you to spend a certain amount of time each year in the country the countdown begins the moment you get your residency Signified by a stamp or seal or even an extra page attached to your passport That's when they'll hand over that residency your settler card, too So for example again in the case of Guatemala You've got one year from the date You actually got your residency and your yearly return one day visit is not based on the calendar year Sounds simple, right? But for some people it ain't I do know of certain gringles and expats who have made that mistake For example, a married couple from New Jersey got their permanent residency approved in June of 2018 And they didn't make it back into the country for that minimum one day before the same date on June of 2019

[08:41] They figured wrongly that if they just popped in any time during 2019 That would fulfill the requirement because they got their residency in 2018, but they came in November of 2019 So in fact, it wasn't 12 months that elapsed before they got their residency stamp, but 17 months But since that happened in the old days Before they got that new program the slugs and the immigration department understood the problem and gave them a pass that along with a little grease provided by the immigration attorney But that was then those days are over and for those gringles and expats who didn't have their timing right and were promised because the covid Crap, there would be extensions. Well, that's not how it worked out So there are some very disappointed gringos and would be expats out there Now I'm just using the example of Guatemala because I know of a few cases where that's happened

[09:29] It's happening in all Latin American countries. Now. In fact, I heard just yesterday Mexico's really cracking down on residency paperwork If you get stopped by Mexican authorities You have to have the original paperwork on you and your passport not a copy or a scan and that's totally against what most all Long-term expats believe because if you carry your real paperwork, you're always at risk of getting robbed They're losing them then you're really screwed You'll never know how difficult and how many hoops you have to jump through trying to get new paperwork and ID documents While in a foreign country and imagine trying to accomplish all that if you don't speak Spanish Anyway, Mexico is really cracking down and gringos are bearing the brunt in the process That's because Mexico is a magnet for illegals mostly these days Anyway coming up through other Latin American countries including most recently Cuba and Haiti to final destination

[10:17] Of course the USA gringo landia even Mexico's president Lopez in the last couple days has called it a state of immigration emergency Isn't it funny even ironic Mexico now is finding itself packed with illegal immigrants Even the president of Mexico says they're continuously draining government resources And that's why gringos and expats in Mexico are suffering because of the new mandated immigration sweeps Just lately Mexican cops have been concentrating on public transportation Pulling over buses checking the documents of every person on the bus And as you probably know a good percentage of gringo is an expats in Mexico are backpacker types And they love public transportation because it's dirt cheap And as mentioned if you don't have your original paperwork on you and or residency documents and god forbid you've overstayed your 180 days

[11:07] If you're not a permanent resident Mexican cops and immigration slugs are really cracking down on that You know US citizens can just pop into Mexico and stay 180 days Then you got to get out unless you have permanent residency If not the cops have the right to detain you for 24 hours And if you've overstayed your 180 days regular tourist visa They have the right to ship you back to the States and sometimes they do though most times I'll just find you a dollar or so each day It's about the money, you know And if you're in Mexico and you've overstayed your visa for quite a few months They'll blacklist your passport in the computer and if you're a repeat offender They won't let you back into Mexico legally for a year Oh and by the way just recently they started cracking down on gringos and expats who pop in and out of the country after their 180 days is up the bureaucrats and slugs are not happy with that yo-yo and back and forth and

[11:56] That crackdown which extends to gringos and expats is all again because of the huge flood of illegals Pouring in from other Latin countries pushing on through to get into the States which reminds me the other day I got an email from bleeding heart progressive lady Rose B from Massachusetts calling me cruel heartless and inhumane Because I'm against opening the doors to poor illegals with sixth grade communications no skills bad habits and no resources I know they want to get to the USA to have a better life Seems like every person in the world who's poor and uneducated Wants to come to the US to have a better life and according to Rose we should just let them waltz right in well Rose Here's my take. I'm not against selectively letting poor immigrants into the country But number one and I know some people are gonna hate me for saying this they're dishonest by definition

[12:44] Yep, once they hit US soil every single one of them is a multiple lawbreaker call them lawbreakers call them criminals That's what they are and they keep on breaking the law over and over again Because by definition if you sneak into the United States you broke a law and as you sneak across the border you're trespassing on private property That's broken law number two and these days the vast majority of illegals born into the states are from countries south of Mexico, you know Central America and South America and that means they snuck into Mexico illegally, too Broken law number three and along the way to smooth things out They have to tell multiple lies when answering questions like where you come from where you go on What's your immigration status? Just like with politicians the better you can lie the farther ahead you'll get and illegal immigrants keep breaking laws

[13:30] They're serial lawbreakers a hundred percent of them trespass on private property usually dozens of times Then when they get to the states they hook up with another criminal who sells them fake social security cards Licenses and other id documents and at that point they're no longer just lawbreakers They're felons and rose even if we were to give them a pass on all that because Life is tough and you have to do what you got to do to survive You know the old story if a mother's kids are starving She'll steal a loaf of bread a crime that's easily pardoned So even if we give them a pass on all that still we see in the press and the media Every day that the infrastructure in the us is falling apart roads and bridges are well beyond their life expectancy. They're shot We've got millions and millions of homeless people in the us and in california. It's at critical mass

[14:16] We've got military veterans whose number one cause of death is suicide We've got able-bodied young guys and gals living in their mother's basements college graduates because they can't get a job That'll supply both a living wage and enough money left over to pay off those six-figure school loan payments Meanwhile, you've got good-hearted humanitarian people like rose who want to open the doors to all the world's poor and dispossessed Funny how in opinion polls the more northeastern a person lives in the states the more pro open border Rose sort of proves the point. She lives in massachusetts You certainly don't hear that kind of talk from people living close to the border like texas and obata Seems to me just another case of i'm all for it But just not in my neighborhood, right rose massachusetts, which is only something like a thousand miles from the mexican border

[15:04] Where all the action is so rose in the end i'm all for bringing a selected amount of immigrants in But only after the us has cleaned up its own act is homeless problem veteran problem disastrous public school problem Big city ghetto problem decrepit infrastructure problems, etc, etc And finally rose and all you guys and gals out there who think along her lines If you feel so bad about those poor people south of the border Why don't you sponsor one or two of them or a family invite them to live in your neighborhood? Give them a job pay for their kids to go to school pay for their health care But I doubt you'll ever actually entertain the idea You know, it's so easy to say the right words to be a do-good or a humanitarian Pass out the good guy t-shirts. It's so easy to help people when you're using other people's money Anyway, that's my rant about immigration and open borders. I'm certainly going to get a lot of hate mail for that

[15:55] What else is new but before yeah fire off an angry email to me Don't forget to tell me what you've done for humanity lately So do I sound like scrooge or the Grinch? I know we're closing in on the christmas holidays and such but ever since this covid crap the lockdowns and the quarantines The edicts from the ass swipes in big government and big pharma. Somehow it seems. I've got absolutely no goodwill towards men Who knows that could change though? It does remind me of that famous bible passage where someone asked jesus about the tragic lives of the poor And jesus replied my son or whatever lgbgt Wtf pronoun was in vogue at the time He said the poor will always be with us Which basically means that i'm talking to you rose if jesus can't fix it. You think you're gonna

[16:44] Hmm, but I digress man. Did I digress? All right now an email from mr v says good morning. Hope all is well johnny I have gone all the way back to the start of your podcast And in doing so the other day I had to laugh out loud during my afternoon commute You were telling of expat eddie and guys with latina girlfriends and their obsession with ear hair that had me in stitches I believe that was in an early 2012 podcast by the way, johnny that latina ear hair pruning scenario Also happens to us gringos who've been married for 20 plus years to latinas who grew up most of their lives in the u.s All right, me johnny here a little clarification now for those of you who weren't listening to the program way back when what mr V is referring to is the fact that latinas love to groom their men

[17:32] And once way back when when expat eddie and I were shooting the breeze about it Specifically commenting on the fact that when you see a guy over 50 or 60 oftentimes He'll have hair growing out of his nose and ears. I know I know pretty disgusting, right? Well down here. That just means he doesn't have a latina girlfriend or wife And if he's shaggy like that and does have a latina girlfriend or wife, it's almost a sure thing She doesn't really love him. She is only in it for the economics of it Because you see in most gringo latina relationships You can tell right away if she's in love with the guy by the way She dotes on him and the body language the way she hangs real close preensum does the ear and nose hair thing A lot of eye contact, but they're definitely on a different plane when it comes to possessiveness And i'm saying that based on my own experience expat eddie's experiences and dozens and dozens of gringo expats who report the very same thing

[18:24] And of course the same thing goes with gringo latino relationships, too gringo ladies I know who are in relationships with latino guys tell me latin males are Toxically jealous, but it seems gringas love those latin lovers because they're warm and attentive much more So than the average gringo male, but then there's the dark side Like for example, if a gringo guy gets into a relationship with a latina or vice versa a gringo hooking up with a latin guy There's something you'll find out right away If we're talking about a gringo guy and his latina girlfriend You will definitely have to turn your telephone and your phone password over to her because she'll want to look at all your contacts All your text messages too, even if she doesn't speak english Of course that won't happen on the first aid But once you're a couple look out and if you don't turn it over or if you begrudgingly turn it over She'll think something's up then get ready because you're in for a bumpy ride

[19:12] It happens with gringo ladies and their latino boyfriends, too Oh, and it's an absolute fact guys If your latina really loves you when you're away from her out with the guys or shopping or whatever She's going to want an account of what you did during that time And oftentimes when you're off to the store She'll phone you up just to say hi, but what she's really doing is checking on you In fact, I can't tell you how many times i've heard gringos with latina better haves Tell me when he's out alone at a shopping center or just walking his latino girlfriend will phone up and want to do a video call Just to make sure he's in the place. He said he was going to be But you know plans change and that's how innocent gringo is often end up in the doghouse Now as for me, you know, i'm big time low profile. I do no video calls with anyone In fact, I got a piece of duct tape over the lens in my cell phone

[19:59] So it's virtually impossible for me to do a video call even by mistake It's been my mo ever since I bought my first cell phone But let me tell you it's caused me a lot of grief with latina girlfriends If you don't do a video call, they'll think you're up to no good Now, of course all these mating dating love and romance peculiarities i'm laying on you right now are a direct consequence of The rampant latino male infidelity problem In fact as for me every single latina of dating age I've ever met has admitted to having a latin boyfriend or boyfriends who's cheated on her multiple times and sometimes they'll admit the guy beat her too It's funny too. Well, not funny odd every single first date I've ever been on with a latina the subject of her last boyfriend cheating on her comes up And instead of calling the guy a jerk or a loser she gets quiet and sad for a moment

[20:46] So for you single gringo guys The reality is if you're going to go out with a latina The fact that she even accepted a date with you is because she's unattached or doesn't have a boyfriend, right? So naturally on that first date the question is going to come up How come a nice beautiful young lady like you doesn't have a boyfriend? What's up with that? And believe me unless she's a widow you will hear the story of the guy who cheated on her often multiple times That's why she's back on the dating scene throwing the dice. Once again, of course, it goes both ways She's going to ask why a gringo like you doesn't have a wife or girlfriend But here's the difference You'll likely believe what she says because gringos as a rule are pretty trusting But she most likely will have her doubts about you Because you see she's so used to hearing lies from latin guys seeing her dad cheat on her mother her brothers cheat on their girlfriends

[21:32] And wives etc, etc That means you'll have to prove that you're not attached that you're eligible Part of that involves handing over your phone and your password Now, of course, that's not going to happen on the first date. That'd be a little too forward too pushy Oh, and i'm not saying latinas in the mating and dating game won't lie to you either It's almost a certainty if you're dating through one of those latina cupid dating websites I'd say a good 80 to 90 percent of the girls on those sites are simple gold diggers someday if you're interested I'll do an entire show of boots on the ground stories told to me personally by gringos who were scammed Sometimes multiple times by those ladies on latin cupid dating sites though not only scammed Some of them had their hearts broken at the same time. I know I know you're thinking tinder and all those hookup sites That's the way people get together these days, right? Especially in the era of covidians. Well, man. I'm here to tell you

[22:22] It's a minefield. It's worse than a minefield And still I think and I can prove it in a number of ways The number one way to meet a latina or latino with a heart of gold Is to meet him when you're out and about in person at a mall bank coffee shop, whatever That's one way to cut through that fake dating site app crap In fact, my own brother has a few sad stories about those dating apps. He wasn't on a latin cupid site He was on tinder in a filipino cupid site. He met a filipina that connected for about a month He sent her the money to fly to chicago. He went to o'hare field and waited four hours. She never showed up Same thing happened to him with an american girl. I think she was from montana They were online for a month or so. He sent her the airfare He went to the airport and she never showed up talk about a sucker punch to the ego

[23:08] Oh, and by the way, the universal way to communicate is of course on what's up because it's free And when these two ladies didn't show up and knew they'd scammed him good. They blocked him on what's up There are dozens of other stories Gringos have told me who've hooked up on those latin cupid sites and pretty much the same thing happened only in this case They flew down to the latin country to meet the girl and she never showed up It's really sad how american guys get sucked into those things newbies on those sites are so gullible And for your information Here are the red flags if you go on those latin cupid sites The girls always post their pictures and if they're really sexy and there's lots of bikini shots that just about guarantees She's a gold digger Now the good girls will be sitting with their mom and dad or grandma or having dinner or at the park with their friends

[23:54] At a party or disco playing with a dog the good girls the nice girls will be well made up and dressed nice But they won't have any sexy boob and butt shots on those cupid sites Well, maybe one out of 10 pics will be really sexy because latinas are like that Though the good girls the serious girls who are big on family will tease with maybe one sexy shot But the rest of the photos will be with friends and family now if you go to one of those latin cupid sites First thing you notice is that around 80 percent of the photos are extremely sexy and provocative And of course guys are drawn to that But the more extreme and sexy the photos the greater chance she's a gold digger who's stringing lots of guys on like you Second big red flag if the lady will not do a video call with you. That means there's a good chance She's not the girl at all in the photos, but she'll give you a million excuses The camera on her phone doesn't work the internet sucks where she's at out of range her wi-fi signal's bad

[24:44] Please if you fall for that we all know today no matter how bad your internet is It doesn't impede the video functions on your phone red flag number three. She speaks english That could mean lots of things that she's high maintenance jaded parents have dough She's overly pampered a latina princess watches tons of us cable tv the retired asians all that junk That means she's heavily influenced by what's happening up in the states I've noticed that after a while those relationships do not seem to last because latinos who speak english often their main objective is not loving romance It's to live permanently in the states Oh and another big red flag is if the latina has been to the states and if she's been to the states I'm not talking about sneaking in illegally now. That means her parents really do have money and if she's got a decent car

[25:29] She's definitely high maintenance. Now, of course as expat eddie said everyone's definition of high maintenance is different For example, I know one gringo who gives his latina girlfriend 500 bucks a month He goes back and forth to the states and he helps her out. She also works and makes about 350 a month So then you might ask is she high maintenance? I'd say definitely not But I know another gringo whose latina girlfriend says 500 isn't enough so he gives her a thousand a month Well, if she wasn't high maintenance when he first started going out with her she is now Because there are dentists and physicians here in latin america that don't make a thousand bucks a month Hey, I know i'm gonna get some hate mail on this topic But remember i'm just the messenger telling you the information i've been getting from gringos and expats that I know Who've been deep into the mating dating love and romance game. Would you rather me softball this stuff and sugarcoat it?

[26:18] Well, there'll be more on this topic next show if I don't get canceled But before we go today, let's finish off. Mr v's email. He says johnny My wife and I plan to retire in the next three to five years Back to her family's home in guatemala city or somewhere near the antigo guatemala area However, the family home is looking less and less like an option due to my wife's niece Insert bad descriptive word of choice here. He says Now the niece she has a tendency to connive to get her name on other people's legal papers, etc Now she's trying to pull that crap with me and my wife The british side of me wants to scream the c word if you know what I mean, but thankfully domestic tranquility rules today Anyway, we hope to get back to guatemala in early 2022 and start looking for properties

[27:05] In the end johnny, I know that was probably more background than you wanted to hear But what i'm really saying is your podcast and your central and south american ground truth is far more accurate Regarding the people governments and way of life than anything put out by any government and or private sector or country analysts and so-called experts Keep up the good work johnny regards. Mr v That from a british irish gringo living in maryland with a latina wife of 20 years a guatemalan wife at that You've been listening to the expat files living in latin america If you need some help with your own plan b we can schedule a one-on-one phone or skype consult Just send me an email the expat files at gmail.com And if you want to get on the waiting list for my next week long expat insider seminar in central america

[27:50] Where you're guaranteed to get a two to five year head start on your plan b Send me an email the expat files at gmail.com