#1100 – The Expat Files: Life in Latin America, Legal Dilemmas, and Cultural Insights

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came out to play and now as I wonder Hello there all you ex-pat wannabes. I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started Hey, I think I started a thing with all those motorcycle stories The emails have been flooding in from gringos expats and tourists here in Latin America laying their own crazy motorcycle stories on me like this one this time Chester writes

[00:46] Hey, Johnny. I booked a trip to an all-inclusive resort about three months ago in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic Once we arrived my wife and I hooked up with an uber at the airport or I should say a registered taxi of some sort Because they don't allow ubers to go directly to the airport some kind of organized taxi lobby against them. I guess So it was around a 20-minute drive to the hotel complex, but you wouldn't believe it about halfway there Our so-called registered official taxi had a flat tire and we ended up taking an uber anyway Our official taxi driver had a spare alright, but it was flat Once we hit the road, there were motorcycles everywhere outside of the airport They were swarming like locusts, but not a single one at the airport and I asked the uber driver. What's up with that? He said they're not allowed to drop off or pick up people there

[01:34] He said there are hundreds maybe thousands of motorcyclists that act as clandestine taxis. They're called moto-conchas So if you're hailing a taxi, for example anywhere in a Dominican Republic chances are a motorcyclist will pull up and offer you a ride Now, of course gringos and tourists will never get on a bike like that But the locals do it all the time because it's only about 50 cents to a buck a ride though They'll never offer you a helmet and those motor conscience will even pile your luggage on how they do it I don't know, but they do it. So anyway, Johnny We're on this fairly busy highway on our way to the resort We pull up to an intersection with street lights and all that that aren't working the powers out and I thought oh no The power will be out at our hotel too, but it wasn't obviously they've taken care of that problem with generators on call 24-7 So we're at this corner where the power is out So there's no street lights flashing and there's a transit cop in the middle of the road direct and traffic

[02:23] So we're sitting there a minute or so waiting for the cop to give us the go sign The intersection was crawling with motorcyclists certainly because there was a big bus depot there about those motorcyclists They were not minding the traffic cop at all. They were going every which way any way they wanted Only cars and truck drivers were obeying the cops hand signals But for the motorcyclists, it was as if he wasn't even there So we're right at the front of the intersection with a car on either side also stopped at that three-lane highway Suddenly a motorcycle whips out from the bus depot against traffic against all signals from the cop He does have a helmet on but he's balancing a big box between his legs Then he slipped or hit a pothole or something. He lost control and started sliding sideways

[03:09] Before we knew what was happening. He smashed into the car to the right of me A brand-new black Toyota Yaris and being that these days most cars are made out of plastic when the guy Crashed into the front of the car. He ripped the entire bumper off It ended up in the intersection about 10 feet in front of the car and after he glanced off that car He rammed the right front end of the Uber My wife and I were in by then he and his bike were laid out flat on the road the cop ran over my Uber driver got out of the car to see the damage in his car and Next to us a beautiful young Latina got out of that Yaris She was dressed to kill on her way to an appointment or something important Then the motorcyclist got up pulled his bike up to the upright position He tried like hell to start it up laying on the kickstarter over and over again, but it just wouldn't turn over

[03:57] It was obvious. He was trying to get the hell out of there leave the scene He even tried to push started but it wasn't happening and by that time the cop was in his face I was in the passenger seat of the Uber and my window was down So I got to see and hear what happened next up close and personal and Johnny even though my Spanish stinks I got the gist of it. The cop asked the motorcyclist the Latina and my uber driver for their licenses But the motorcyclist didn't have one He went through his wallet padded all his pockets down even went into the compartment of the busted-up motorcycle and no license According to my uber driver who told me what happened in that huddle later. He spoke some English Unfortunately, my Spanish is about a one and a half. He said the motorcyclist told a cop he left his license at home Yeah, right. Everyone knows that's a lie. That's the oldest trick in the book on top of that

[04:45] It wasn't difficult to conceive the motorcyclist who was a hundred percent at fault would never pay anyone a cent My uber driver confirmed what you said Johnny half of motorcyclists don't have valid licenses and nearly a hundred percent of them Don't have insurance Motorcycle insurance in Latin America It seems is only for people with Harleys Ducati's and BMW's insurance is for responsible people who can afford expensive bikes So Johnny, here's what happened next Suddenly the motorcyclist went into the I'm hurt. Take me to the hospital routine That's the easiest way to get out of a situation like that or get sympathy when you know, you're a hundred percent in the wrong It's also a way to reverse the tables to get the innocent people in the drama to pay out because in Dominican Republic and I guess throughout Latin America according to the uber driver in an accident if someone ends up in the hospital

[05:35] Obviously most often the motorcyclist being that they're the most vulnerable and they're not enclosed in a little protective box with a seat belt Surrounded by airbags like everyone is in a car So the person or persons who go to the hospital They get all the attention and sympathy the courts always favor the person who's been hurt according to my uber driver Every motorcyclist knows that that's a wild card even the dumbest of motorcyclists will play That's if they're unable to high tail it out of there first So the cop having sympathy for the quote hurt Motorcyclist walked him over the curb sat him down made a quick call on his phone and came over To my own uber driver and the distressed latina whose brand new super clean car was no longer Brand-new or super clean not with its gnarled bumper laying out in the middle of the street What happened next johnny was the craziest thing the cop checked the latina's papers and turns out she had a venezuelan passport

[06:26] And driver's license apparently my uber driver told me later There were lots of fake venezuelan licenses going around latin america And there was really no way for cops or officials to look them up. No way to tell no database Anyone could penetrate in venezuela the uber driver said there were more fake Venezuelan documents out there than real ones now the uber driver told me the cop was obviously Prejudice against venezuelans. He was giving her a really rough time Just as an aside johnny the uber driver told me the dr And many of the adjoining countries were just flooded with venezuelans He said though the cops and bureaucrats might be prejudiced against them all the dominican men He said are in agreement that venezuelan girls are a cut above the local dominican ladies in Every way smarter more astute more education prettier sexier, etc. Whether that's true or not johnny. I don't know. I don't live here

[07:16] I'm just on vacation But this cop was intent on calling her out on her papers But she was having none of it and blew her stack and was yelling at him She was the textbook example of the fiery latina It was a sight to behold man This beautiful latina reaming out this cop with all the gapers standing around watching some of them started to applaud And of course a half dozen people were filming it. So I guess it's up on spanish youtube somewhere It was one of those times. I really wish I had my spanish down So then the cop told the uber driver and the latina to stay right there He had to get back to his work But he'd called the ambulance and back up and they were coming in latin america I understand that could mean in two minutes or two hours Meanwhile the wife and I had been in a plane for hours We were tired and wanted to get to that hotel So I got out the car and helped the uber driver pick up the lady's bumper and we put it in the back seat of her car

[08:05] The latina got back in her car. We got back into the uber We pulled around the corner out of the traffic waiting for what we didn't really know After a couple of minutes the uber driver said hell, I don't want to wait for what no one's gonna pay for my damages Let's go He had some scratches and a noticeable dent But his car had about 20 other equivalent dings So what did it matter and the cop he went back to directing traffic in the middle of the intersection My uber driver got out of the car to tell the latina he was leaving It wasn't worth it, but he'd be a witness if she needed one I could tell all he really wanted to do was get her phone number. That's a shocker, huh? Especially since he had a sweet picture of his wife and kids on the dashboard But before he could even get to her car to say anything you'll never guess what happened next The motorcyclist was sitting on the curb looking so hurt got up brushed himself off

[08:52] Looked around in a kind of sneaky manner and started walking away fast And that thoroughly pissed off latina in that toyota saw he was taken off She stepped on the gas and by the time the guy was half a block down the street She rammed him and down he went she caught him from behind so he never saw it coming So now he absolutely definitely needed to go to the hospital All right me johnny here. Pardon me if i'm laughing at some idiot's misfortune But I gotta hand it to that latina. She knows the culture She's part of it and what you can and can't get away with now You might think i'm a jerk and ask a heartless inhumane cad But when I first read this email I secretly applauded that girl for getting her revenge Oh, and by the way, our emailer goes on to say his uber driver told him it was the coolest thing he'd ever seen

[09:39] However, that was lost in translation because the uber driver's english was kind of bad The emailer thought he said that was the coldest thing he'd ever seen But what he'd really said was that was the coolest thing he'd ever seen. He said i'm with her I hate motos then the uber driver said I want to marry that girl Though I doubt she'd give him the time of day chester writes. She was way out of his league Then chester says so in the end johnny, I guess after all that her documents probably were fake But who knows though this I know for sure Having been forced after that accident to remain at the scene for probably 20 minutes to a half an hour The oddest thing occurred to me if you were paying attention to the traffic You would have noticed the traffic flow was actually better and faster when the cop wasn't directing it

[10:28] Even with that gaper's block. It was moving right along. My conclusion. Johnny was the traffic cop made traffic worse. Not better What do you think keep up the good work? Johnny signed chester c from philadelphia Ps put me on the waiting list for your next seminar All right chester. Thanks for that. I got you on the list and you know coincidentally you're absolutely right I've heard that same refrain from gringles and expats for years now Exactly what you've noticed that the traffic cops are less than useless. They make things worse In fact, you could actually predict even blocks before you ever get to an intersection whether there's going to be a traffic cop there or not Simply because traffic's had a crawl and it's taken so damn long to get there It's a sore spot for me in almost every expat. I know believe me. There's nothing you can do about it

[11:13] Don't get me started. All right now said about that. Should we get really on pc now? How about this one? Got a call from an expat buddy of mine who's been living down here. I think now 20 years married to a nice Educated latina. She's a lawyer though when he first met her she wasn't a lawyer yet She was still going to school. So anyway, they got married had a kid. They actually planned it. That's always nice Oh, did I tell you where they're living costa rica? She's costa rica and they met there 20 years ago when he first came down and started a whitewater rafting company In fact, that's where he met her She was on a rafting and zip line trip with her helicopter school friends So my gringle buddy has made some success in costa rica and over the years he's expanded He's got a zip line ecological park thing a fishing charter business and a couple other things though Not all of them were successes. He did. All right

[12:00] Oh, and he like me is one of those guys when he first came down to costa rica He had a great time. He loved it But now he can't stay in the place But he can't leave either because he's got all his businesses and his wife and his wife's family there Because you know when you marry a latina you marry her family and they don't separate from their families easily Unless of course, there's that promise from a gringo boyfriend or husband that he's going to take you back to the states That supersedes all it seems but i'm telling you right now in a long run that almost never works out In fact, I don't know of a single case amongst my expat friends and acquaintances Where they've come down to latin america hooked up with the latina of their dreams their soulmate Brought them back to the states and it's lasted more than a couple of years There seems to be 101 reasons why in the end that almost never works All of us down here in latin america have heard that story before we've been put on notice

[12:48] But we're also thinking as humans do hope springs eternal, right? We know there are always exceptions to that rule and we think we're going to be that exception Well, that's probably true somewhere somehow, but I haven't seen it yet So anyway, my buddy in costa rica married a nice upscale latina What you might call a child of the rich you went to helicopter schools and all that perfectly bilingual which to me is a high Maintenance warning sign man. Don't I sound like a cad? Anyway, when a girl goes to an expensive helicopter school and she speaks perfect english It's a situation. I try to warn gringles and expats to try to stay away from Simply because down here in latin america if you can hook up with one of the one percenters They were born with a silver spoon. They're princes and princesses They've had everything and if you marry one You're going to be the guy who has to carry on with that tradition

[13:34] In other words, we're talking the very definition of high maintenance. That's not to say they're not nice people In fact, this girl is a really nice person good-hearted friendly. Nothing fake about her Her designer clothes and bling are certainly not fake Like I said high maintenance nothing wrong with that if you know what you're in for and can afford it That in no way means they're bad people It's just that all their friends are one percenters too And they've been living all their lives in this sort of a hermetic bubble though One advantage to marrying or being with an upscale latina is she'll never want to move to the states She'll want to visit there in the shop, but she'll never want to move there Why because she's a princess in her own country She's a one percenter with a sterling family name and believe me in whatever latin american country you happen to be in The sweaty masses the other 99 percenters are well aware of the 20 or so power broker family names in that country

[14:22] However, even if you were born with that golden name once you relocate to the states that illustrious family name and all the land Plantations and other crap your family owns means zilch. Nobody gives a rip But in their own country those names, they not only open doors like expat He says they allow you a free pass to double park anywhere He said when he was in the restaurant business, it would happen all the time suddenly a big black bulletproof suv a tahoe or suburban would pull up right to the entrance of his restaurant drop off people and just Stay there and if the cops rolled by trying to ticket the car for double parking Once they realized it was one of those magic family names, they'd move on And if you don't think that happens you long-time listeners May remember me telling the story of the drummer in one of my bands his dad owned both the pepsi and brava beer franchise

[15:10] For most of central america if you rode with him and his bodyguard chauffeur He pretty much owned the road and had a get out of jail free card, but I digress as usual Where were we? Oh, yeah talking about my gringo buddy married to a very nice but wealthy Costa Rican girl whose kid just turned 15 Now I hadn't heard for this guy in a long time And when he called me, I was kind of surprised but he wanted to tell me a little story The story of a dilemma he's having with his 15 year old son who obviously goes to an expensive helicopter school Anyway, most of your listeners know about the tradition when a girl in latin america turns 15. It's called the quinceaños party They all have one. It's like a coming out party. It's the big event for a young latina Doesn't matter rich poor middle class All families pull out the stops in whatever manner they're able to to throw their daughters a quinceaños party

[15:57] And some of them especially with the one percenters are as extravagant as big time weddings As for me personally i've been invited to many of them Even poor families can throw quite a bash and be in the hole for it to the neighborhood loan shark for months even years Now I suppose most first world people north americans have heard of these quinceaños parties for young ladies I understand up in the states americans of latino extraction practiced that custom, too So then you ask what about boys? What happens when latino boys hit 15 years old? Are they left out of the festivities? Is it just a one-sided latina thing? Well, here's something people don't like to talk about in public But yes Most 15 year old latino boys have their fiesta, too And I know you're going to find this hard to believe and I did too when I first got down here until I started

[16:43] Hearing all the first person eyewitness accounts turns out in the majority of cases when a boy turns 15 now that he's considered a man It seems to be a rite of passage a rite of macho passage for his father Uncles brothers or all the older males in the family to take the kid to a nightclub a club de nocturno Now as some if not, most of you know a nightclub here in latin america Even though they're called nightclubs are not places for guys and gals to go disco in They are strip clubs with pole dancers and a hundred percent Anything goes as long as you got the dough because as you probably know prostitution is legal in almost every latin country Full disclosure. I've been invited to a few of those make a boy a man parties And i've always made my excuses and got out of it. It just seems too weird Man, i'll tell you when I turned 15 if my dad would have offered that kind of birthday present to me

[17:30] He'd have been on the divorce city express american mothers would never stand for that. But down here in latin america I'm sure mothers know but they just prefer to remain in denial again I'm not saying it happens to most all 15 year old boys down here But i'm sure I wouldn't be wrong by guessing it happens more than half the time rich poor middle class boys It doesn't matter when kids hit 15 the macho dad thing kicks in and suddenly They recall how their own dad or uncle or brother took them to the nightclub to complete the ritual again Let me make one thing clear. It's not just a lower middle class phenomena In fact throughout latin america in every large medium in small town They've got low middle and upper class nightclubs, too. Now. Why do you think that is? It should tell you something And always remember this while in latin america

[18:17] Nightclubs are exclusively for men good girls never go in except maybe by mistake though Oddly enough one gringle friend of mine who had been going with a beautiful latina for a couple years She asked him to take her to a nightclub because she wanted to see what they were like. She was just curious Well, he took her to a well-known upscale nightclub area of town And they popped into three different clubs and had a drink at each one They only stayed in each place for one drink, but his girl ended up being disappointed Turns out she was expecting it to be like the strip clubs. She'd seen in hollywood movies You know with a pole dance girl doing her thing and all the guys hooting and hollering and shoving dollar bills in her garter strap Well in the nightclubs down here a guy walks in sits at the bar and all of a sudden about 10 girls in lingerie Line up in front of the guy each trying her sexiest pose on him waiting for him to make a decision

[19:06] Well, needless to say when my buddy's girlfriend saw that she was slightly unnerved by it Because the girls were shooting sexy poses at her too thinking maybe there were a couple of gender fluid swingers She didn't like that feeling much. Hey, like my buddy said she wanted to go she asked for it Oh, and by the way, my gringle buddy said that all went down about a year ago Right in the midst of the covid it panic and believe it or not at eight or nine o'clock at night when they were doing Those experimental nightclub rounds. They were pretty much the only quote potential clients in many of those places But let's backtrack for a second to my gringo buddy who's been living in costa rica for 20 years with his latina wife and 15 year old kid turns out and this may be the point of the story My gringo buddy mentioned he had a discussion with his kid about that nightclub thing for 15 year olds

[19:55] And he told his dad my gringo buddy that nearly all of his own 15 year old buddies at the helicopter school Had banner will be going through that ritual shortly and that was one of the reasons he called me to ask my opinion on it Now not having any kids myself Much less a 15 year old kid going through that dilemma. All I could say was man good luck with that But that wasn't the end there's more to the story Then my buddy said to me johnny You don't understand when I got married to my beautiful upscale latina wife some 20 years ago He said after I proposed to her and all the plans were being made for the wedding One night at dinner, she got very serious. She said we have to talk about something get it out in the open She said I know men have their urges. She said if you go to a massage parlor or a nightclub

[20:41] I could accept that I don't want to know about it But I know men have their urges but never never never please fall in love with anyone else That would kill me. That would break my heart Now my buddy a hundred percent native born gringo. He was just not prepared for that conversation. It took him completely by surprise Anyway, he stumbled with the words but agreed of course So then what did I say to that? What was my advice? Well, I told him it wasn't much of a shock to me I'd heard that tune before turns out around 10 years ago already manned his timefly I was having a nice long talk with another good buddy gringle friend of mine who'd been living in various latin countries at least 15 years A transplanted new york garment guy owned a couple of a kilas, you know sweatshops Well, he'd been through a bad and messy divorce in the states came down to latin america trying to forget about it

[21:31] Escape his troubles and all that. Well after a while he too met the latina of his dreams She was also one of those upscale helicopter school latinas The kind i'm always warning gringos and expats not to get involved with though It is easier than you think you've got that gringo advantage going for you besides These ladies the ones that go to helicopter schools They all speak very good english and as you probably know i'd say 95 of the gringos and expats who come down don't know a lick of spanish And so they gravitate towards other gringos and latinos and latinas who speak english. Why not? Anyway, he married the latina of his dreams who was also high maintenance, but she had a really good job You know family connections and all that so in his case and luckily for his pocketbook She did not turn out to be high maintenance except he had to put up with some of her stuck up overbearing family members

[22:17] Not all of them were like that but quite a few need to be taken down a peg In other words, there are a few of them. He just couldn't stand anyway He told me pretty much the same story before he and his wife got married. She told him right out She knew guys had their urges She said her dad brothers and uncles had their affairs and mistresses So she said it wouldn't be a deal breaker if he my gringo buddy acted on those urges as long as he was discreet And never fell in love with any one of them So think of it. I just told you stories of two gringos married to upscale latinas Who bought into their guys can cheat scenario as long as they keep it quiet and don't fall in love So if that's accepted or tolerated in upper class latin society You can imagine with the middle and lower classes You can bet couples don't even bother to have that discussion at all as unfair as it sounds as part of the culture again

[23:06] I like you to imagine a scenario where an american wife or wife to be would have that conversation with you Yeah, I know. I know there are open marriages and swingers But that's when both couples agree to go play the field in this case the latin american case It's the latina reluctantly giving her guy permission to do things outside the relationship that she's not interested in doing at all I know I know it's all pretty strange and complicated But these are things some people want to know this show is not called the expat files living in latin america for nothing I know that over the years sometimes in every show we talk about things No one ever discusses you'll never read about or here on youtube's or podcasts either For example, if you remember on the last show I read an email from a guy named eric Who came down to guatemala and got a couple of weeks boots on the ground?

[23:52] He said what practically everyone says once they arrive and get quality boots on the ground He said something like americans who've never been down have a completely twisted impression of latin america those bloggers youtubers Twitter and fake book fools you can read and listen to those guys till the cows come home Come home to what but until you get some really good quality boots on the ground You'll forever have a misleading and inaccurate view of what's really happening here in latin america Now as far as the next expat insider seminar that i've put off for a year and a half now Due to covid at pressures looks like in the new year. It's finally gonna happen We'll be putting together a new plan in the next couple weeks So stay tuned and by we I mean all of us who are involved in putting the seminar together So hang tight. Give me a couple weeks and we'll have all the details

[24:37] And as always at least with this covid crap the main question has always been suppose you land here in latin america and everything's fine You do the seminar. It's time to go home in the us and the airlines Request that mandatory negative covid at exam 72 hours before you leave. What happens if you test positive? That means you can't leave right? You gotta stick around maybe for a week or two until you test negative That would disrupt things and be a real drag wouldn't it? Thing is though i've been looking at the stats and testing positive while traveling overseas seems to be a rarity and it's going to be even Less frequent now that the cdc has said the pcr test You know the up your nose with a stick is no longer considered a valid test to show if you're infected or not Did you know that listen to this i'm reading this right from the cdc website. It says

[25:24] National laboratory alert after december 31st 2021 that's coming up in two months The cdc center for disease control will withdraw the request to the us food and drug administration fda To use the pcr diagnostic panel and assay test first introduced in february 2020 for detection of the sars covid 2 virus Then it says the cdc is providing this advanced notice for all clinical laboratories So that they have adequate time to select and implement one of the many other sars covid 2 test alternatives Why do you think the up your nose stick test that's been used for a year and a half now almost exclusively? Will as of december 31st 2021 just two months away from when the show goes out has been quietly and

[26:13] Unceremoniously shit can for lack of a better phrase and will no longer be a valid testing protocol Well, because not only is it very technique sensitive it's been shown to have an absolutely Outrageous amount of false positives In other words, it's been a multi-billion dollar scam and a very sick joke on the public from the start Just more proof that your government can't do anything right And that you shouldn't trust the single word they say about anything. So where can I buy that jail? Dr. Falsi t-shirt hell i'd even settle for the bumper sticker Have you noticed he really loves the limelight? He's addicted to hollywood style fame Who knows maybe alec baldwin will play cowboys and indians with him, but I digress man. Did I digress? So anyway, if they're phasing out the pcr test because they know it sucks

[27:02] Well, at least we've got the rapid antigen test and the results come in under an hour That makes traveling a little easier anyway Not so much planning ahead like with that moronic pcr test where you'd get your results sometimes two days later Not only that the rapid antigen test Actually shows if at that moment you're shedding virus particles and people with active covid it do shed a certain amount of virus So anyway, the bottom line for us is dropping that idiotic pcr test is good news for the upcoming expat insider seminar Finally we can pick some dates You've been listening to the expat files living in latin america If you need some help with your own plan b we can schedule a one-on-one phone or skype consult Just send me an email the expat files at gmail.com And if you want to get on the waiting list for my next week long expat insider seminar in central america

[27:50] Where you're guaranteed to get a two to five year head start on your plan b send me an email the expat files at gmail.com nos famos