#1110 – The Expat Files: Seminars, Residency, and a Robbery Investigation

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came out to play and now I wonder Hello there all you ex-pat wannabes. I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started All right. This show goes out Sunday, December 12th 2021 that means all you guys and gals interested in coming to my expat insider seminar, which is now a hundred percent on in schedule Well, you can go to expat plan B calm for all the info and sign-up details

[00:47] First day of the seminar launches Friday February 18th finishing on Thursday night, February 24th All taking place a little over two months after this show today's show goes out And if you want to go for Guatemalan residency, that is kill two birds with one stone You have just enough time if you start in the next two weeks to get that paperwork on better start right away because Normally, it takes about a month to get all that stuff together Mostly because you have to wait for that FBI good conduct report and get it apostilled and all that's done by snail mail Although it can be done in a month They do have fast-track procedures if you pay a little extra dough now I have a step-by-step report on how to apply for Guatemalan residency Just send me an email they expect files at gmail.com and I'll send it off to you Thing is though the holidays are coming up, right? So that might slow things down a bit because with birth certificates and FBI reports, etc

[01:36] You'll be dealing with US government agencies slugs in the best of times So if you're looking to come down to the seminar and start that residency process chop-chop, you got to get going on it Hmm. Can you still say chop-chop or is that racist now? So sue me but you better do it chop-chop Oh and regarding covid it testing and all that as far as the seminar goes The first leg of the seminar will be in Guatemala So you'll have to get a rapid antigen test 72 hours before you fly now I know most of you listeners are on the same page regarding these covid it tests They're all BS But you know It's politically motivated stuff and you have to do it So at least you don't have to wait a day or two to get results like with that even more ridiculous PCR test at least with that rapid antigen test you get your results within the half hour So you get that stupid test in the States or wherever you fly into Guatemala

[02:24] After spending some time there we head south to El Salvador and crossing the border We've got the rapid antigen thing covered on that too So don't worry then after our time in El Salvador respect to Guatemala again We've got that antigen test thing covered there, too Don't worry about that then it's back to the US or whatever crumbling first world country you're coming from Oh and by the way for all you unvaxxed folks out there who've been sending me emails asking about Ex-bad Eddie's facts hack You know what I'm talking about Well I've got nothing to do with that but when you come down to the seminar According to Ex-bad Eddie all will be revealed Oh and remember I'd never advocate anyone doing anything illegal I'm just here to report on how gringos and expats live work play and or do business You know the good the bad the ugly and the great

[03:10] You could say I'm sort of like a real old school journalist who doesn't Have to suck up to advertisers and sponsors For me it's just the facts ma'am Along with the real and I mean real science Not government or politically motivated science I don't push anyone's version of fake news But in doing that you know I've made lots of social media enemies I'll get into that later either this show or next But you know what they say the proverbial they In this case we know the they I'm talking about men at war What men at war say And believe me guys like me and listeners like you are at war with social media And what do men at war say? The more flack you get the closer you are to the target Now one more thing about the seminar I've got a long list of people who want to attend

[03:56] Including people who paid up for the last seminar that kept getting cancelled Due to lockdowns and covidied crap you know the story Now since I announced the February seminar dates I've been getting a trickle of emails from people saying February is just not a good time for me Excuses are trickling in Like for example I already used my vacation days Or work doesn't like it when I take off Or I'll wait till your next seminar or the one after that You do know I haven't done one in a year and a half right? I get it we're all busy But you should know this I do not need to do these seminars For one I don't need the covidiet airport aggravations And I don't need the money Remember I'm the guy who got into bitcoin at 60 bucks Or was it 80 something like that So don't ever think I'm doing these seminars for the money

[04:41] Or that I need to do them for any reason They have to be fun, entertaining and amusing for me too Now I might sound like a jerk but I don't need to do anything That isn't a little bit fun and interesting for me So the pleasure to pain ratio has to be way over unity That means one in mathematics But you knew that already right? And the way things are going in this world the crazier things are getting There is a good chance this could be my last seminar It all depends how smoothly this one goes And if there are any hiccups that rub me the wrong way Well then we'll just call it a day and that'll be the end So that's just a little reminder to you folks out there Who are skipping the february seminar Thinking you'll just attend one in the future Don't take it for granted there's going to be another seminar You know how badly things are going up in the states Why wait for it to get worse? Just think of the monkey wrench

[05:27] This covidiet thing has already thrown into the mix In just these last two years I've been doing two a year for the last nine years And now this covidiet thing comes up And I haven't done one in two years And of course during that period We rescheduled the seminar a few times And had some false starts And each time I started the ball rolling again And had to cancel all due to some related covidiet thing Lockdowns, quarantines, I don't have to go into it Every time we had to reschedule it was time wasted So many places we normally visit on the seminar were affected Including our favorite hotels and restaurants And hangout joints Either shut down or limited hours Or just impossible to deal with All those false starts for me and my team were just total time wasters You see what I'm saying? Dozens of hours of planning in the crapper

[06:13] Just think of the reservations and deposits That have to be reshuffled when you reschedule a seminar Those are the kind of things you encounter The roadblocks, the unknowns that make me hesitant to commit And I've hardly mentioned the fact that the airport thinks a nightmare I've been traveling a lot lately and I know So bottom line, don't be so confident You can skip the February seminar and come to the next one Just saying, enough said about that, on with the shoe First a real short sweet email from Hector, he says, Johnny, let's try to inject a little logic into this covid situation Let's see now, you need a VAX ID card to go into various stores, banks and pharmacies, right? But if you ask people who vote to show an ID at the polling booth, that's considered racist, right?

[07:00] Yet at our southern border, Biden's letting in tens of thousands of unvaxed illegals Meanwhile, back in California, hordes of looters are breaking into high-end department stores Knowing full well, if they steal items less than 900 bucks, they'll never get prosecuted Have you seen the videos, Johnny? The real crime there, according to AOC and her social democrat buddies, is that those looters, they're not practicing social distancing at all So it's a case of unsafe looting Those looters are shedding viruses, some nerf, huh? Signed Hector Well, Hector, that's reason 4456 through 58 Well, it's absolutely imperative to get the hell out of dodge So Hector, how's your plan becoming? Alright, moving on

[07:46] I mentioned I was going to finish that Expat Eddie story The one about his new gringo neighbor buddy, a guy named George whose Spanish sucks And he lives in the same residential tower as Eddie Eddie's the only other gringo in the building And he's asked for Eddie's help As a sort of translator slash shoulder to lean on In a strange kind of robbery case Where the suspects are the guy's cleaning lady And a couple of workers who've been in and out of his house for months Doing a complete remodeling job on the place So as it turns out, George hired a reputable architect to redesign his place And the architect hired a reputable contractor slash engineer Who brought in workers every day And after the job was done and George moved back in He had the builder bring in two workers just for an hour or so To fix a leaky window in his master bedroom

[08:34] But something happened that day That's the point of this whole story Now to get a more detailed picture on this She should go back to the last show and listen to the second half of it I don't want to go through all the preliminary details again Go back and listen, you can get them there So anyway, George called a meeting at five in the afternoon Asked Eddie to be there to translate for him Because the architect and the engineer spoke a little bit of English But not enough to go through details like this And Eddie was to act as his translator and witness and moral support too Now remember, it was just the architect and engineer coming over at five They didn't know why George just said, come on over, we need to talk And they did actually show up at five You see, the architect and engineer were Latinos who believe it or not Went by gringo time, not mañana time

[09:20] And if you remember, as mentioned in the last show They were both well respected and had done many, many high-end upscale projects So they actually arrived on time, proving there are a small number of Latinos Who have adapted to gringo habits and tell time by the actual clock So George introduced Eddie as his gringo translate They went into the master bedroom And he walked over to that little electric switch plate Which had served as his secret little safe The one he used as a secret stash for 4,000 bucks And as he explained how the dough went missing He had their complete attention George explained how the event had to have happened on Monday When only his cleaning lady and the two workers sent by the engineer were in the room George made it very clear that only three other people

[10:05] Besides George and his wife, that is, had access to the room that day Well, it only took a few seconds for the engineer to get all ruffled up He was quite irritated and indignant at the accusation He was insulted But who wouldn't be, right? He began explaining, very abruptly, that one of the guys, the older guy named Damien he sent in He'd been working with for 15 years He was a 50-something guy, a master carpenter And he did really great work He was the guy the engineer contractor had complete faith in You could tell Though he said he didn't know much about the guy's helper Because he said Damien wasn't under exclusive contract to him He just used him for various jobs But he didn't know the helper, the younger kid, was Damien the carpenter's relative, his nephew Then the engineer-slash-contractor started talking about his own reputation

[10:52] Again, spouting about the outrageousness of the accusation Saying things like he'd been in business 20-something years and in all that time No one in his crews have ever been accused of stealing anything Now, up to this point, the architect hadn't said a thing She just looked rather embarrassed by the whole mess Saying to that in her 10 years of designing and building things She'd never been confronted with a thing like this either Now, remember, the architect and the construction engineer Were not in the building on that Monday in question So they weren't in the hot seat, but they were responsible for the people They contract the people on their team Which brings us to George's cleaning lady Who the engineer and architect immediately suspected The architect said a couple of times 9 out of 10 times in cases like this, it is the cleaning lady So, bottom line, nothing was settled

[11:40] And neither the cleaning lady or the two workers knew They were being accused of anything So far, only the people at the meeting knew about it But as Eddie pointed out, they were getting nowhere Until George piped up and said, here's what we're going to do 4,000 bucks is not chicken feet If it was only 100 or even 400 bucks We could agree to disagree and leave it alone But 4,000 bucks, that's more than a year's salary for the average worker Then the engineer contractor piped up and said That's all the more reason to suspect your cleaning lady Because Damien the carpenter makes three or four times that I seriously doubt he said In fact, I think it's impossible He'd risk his whole career over just a couple of months' pay I just don't see it, he said It's ridiculous Now, Eddie said the more the engineer spoke

[12:25] The more George, the owner of the place, started doubting his own hypothesis After all, it was George's own wife that said he was pretty forgetful at times Then George said, here's what I think we should do We should give all three of them a lie detector, a polygraph And George said, I'll pay for it Then came the famous last words from the engineer He said, I'm so certain that my guys had nothing to do with this If you polygraph a man, they're guilty I'll pay the four grand and the cost of the polygraph Then George said, I'll even take the polygraph myself And the engineer, not to be outdone, said I'll take a polygraph too And he spoke with a real edge to his voice, Eddie said So at least they all agreed on that So you might wonder how Eddie was feeling about all this Since he wasn't involved at all

[13:12] Except as a translator slash witness Well, he told me he was enjoying every minute of it Then Eddie piped up He said, I've been through this thing before I've polygraphed a couple of my employees And for now, the best thing to do is not to say anything to anyone That was his advice to all three of them Don't tell your two employees, he told the engineer And he said to George, don't let on to your cleaning lady Don't give many details, leave that to the polygraph guy Then George says, I guess I'll look for a polygraph company It's a big city, there's got to be a few of them around here So that was the end of that meeting and no one was happy, especially George He expected a little more rationality out of the engineer He was surprised he so rabidly defended his crew Though maybe that's what you do when you've been working with someone for 15 years And you've had no problems

[13:58] So anyway, they left and George had no idea what to do next He didn't speak Spanish, he didn't know how to find a reputable polygraph company He didn't know the costs either As Eddie put it, George didn't know Dick But Eddie told him it costs between two and three hundred bucks a person And to remember that if George is wrong about it And they test the three people plus him, plus his wife, plus the engineer and the architect That'd be almost two grand of good money after bad He'd be out closer to six grand, not just four That gave old George something to think about Anyway, Eddie said, don't worry, I've been through this before The polygraph guys will only want to test three people The two workers and the cleaning lady Eddie assured him that they won't polygraph the owners of the house They have no reason to So the good news is Eddie said, if you're wrong You're only out about an extra grand or less

[14:44] On top of that four G's of course But it is your call, nobody else's And in that moment, George said to Eddie I don't know Eddie Maybe my wife is right and my memory is shot But four grand's a lot of money I just don't know But there is one thing I know Whatever happens Whether we find out who did it or not Me and the wife were gonna make a lot of enemies And Eddie said, don't worry George You started the ball rolling and the word will spread So you already have But you got one big thing in your favor The engineer said in front of the architect And you and me, you heard it That he'd pay the four grand and the cost of the polygraph If one of his boys failed the test And being that he's got a reputation to uphold for my money Eddie said, if it comes down to it, he'll pay Then Eddie said, how'd you find this architect anyway?

[15:32] He said she'd remodeled a couple of the apartments in the building He'd run into her over and over in the elevator and they got to talking So when George was ready to remodel, he did a walkthrough And everything looked super fine to him She had multiple projects going and did really good work And since she knew all the good, bad, and ugly builders around And George, the gringo, as Eddie said, didn't know Dick He hired her Firing that, he could have thrown a dart at the classifieds Or ask around at the nearest gringo expat bar Which is a bad idea, you know Or found an architect on a local version of Craigslist You know, in Central America, it's called OLX.com And they changed the name to Enquentro24.com And in the Dominican Republic, where George's and expat Eddie's residential tower happens to be Their equivalent buy-sell website is called Corroto's.com

[16:21] That's C-O-R-O-T-O-S.com That's where you can buy and sell and find everything and anything Including architects, engineers, builders, plumbers, carpenters, everything Though whether they're good or not, or honorable, or on time, You have to do your own investigating on that count But again, all those aforementioned sites are in Spanish Anyway, George thought for a while and said, Eddie, I'll do it Can you help me find a polygraph guy? Eddie said, sure, they're called polygraphistas And it took Eddie only 15 minutes to shag down Three different polygraph companies in the local area Of course, Santo Domingo, the capital of the Dominican Republic Has around six million people, so they've got plenty of everything Then Eddie told George that he almost got into the polygraph business himself

[17:08] Yep, expat Eddie almost became a polygraphista How'd that happen, or almost happened well? Back in the day when the internet was just starting up in Latin America around 2005 That was when he started franchising his sushi joints And he figured it'd be a good idea to start polygraphing certain people, Managers and stuff, before he hired him And back then, he just couldn't locate a service that seemed dependable to him There were few and far in between, and some didn't pick up the phone and others He'd leave a message on their machine, and they wouldn't return his calls at all We're talking about the Guatemala El Salvador area in Central America Remember, that was around 2005 So believe it or not, Eddie called me up, and I did a little investigating Actually bought a couple of books and manuals and CDs on how the polygraph thing worked Checked out some of the brands, honed in on a machine that was, I think, around 2500 bucks

[17:56] But that's as far as we got We almost started a business out of it So Eddie and I know a little bit more about the polygraph business than the average slug That's for sure And we also know they can be defeated Look it up on the internet There's all kinds of YouTubes on how to defeat a polygraph machine However, experienced polygraph testers, the guys giving the test, polygraphistas They know all about how you can defeat a machine too So they're tuned in and have an eye out for it But know this, and here's what I've learned You can't really defeat the machine But what you can do is disqualify yourself as a testable subject In other words, just like hypnosis Where there's some people, a small percentage of the population that just cannot be hypnotized Are not susceptible, not good candidates Same thing, there's a small percentage of the population That when polygraph will show indeterminate or indecisive results

[18:45] Some people are just not good candidates Because, you know, or maybe you don't The first thing the polygraph guy does is set up some baseline true questions True things Things you won't lie about Like your name, age, address, nationality Are you an American? Do you live in Chicago? All those true answers will set up baseline readings And with false answers to true questions Your respiration will change Your galvanic skin response Pulse rate Diaphragm movement And other measures will vary That's how you can tell someone's line They're measured against the more calm baselines recorded For the truthful readings Now suppose in the beginning of the exam When the polygraph guy is laying down some truthful baselines Your pulse respiration And your galvanic skin responses are all over the place

[19:30] That's not normal Well that happens with a small percentage of people Who then are deemed poor candidates for a polygraph test Inconclusive Case closed And you can learn all those methods on YouTube So why am I going through all this? Well bear with me Because here's what happened next Oh, just one more thing Turns out only really highly intelligent persons Can defeat a polygraph machine and fool the polygraphista Average people and dummies need not apply They get caught every time Because when smart people want to lie on a test They'll read up on it beforehand Read everything they can Check out the many YouTubes Practice makes perfect and all that And here's the thing And polygraph people will tell you this all the time The average person thinks a polygraph test is black and white They fully believe it can catch you in a lie

[20:17] And when they walk in for the test They're tense and scared about that They're all fairly nervous Even if they're telling the truth Which somewhat heightens all those responses And amplifies those responses when you lie too So when you ask a polygraph operator How accurate are those things? They'll tell you And this is pretty on PC actually But the truth often is They'll tell you on the QT For average and below average persons being tested They're almost dead on But for highly intelligent people who are intent online They can sometimes beat it Not to mention people who take tranquilizers before a test Like Valium or Lorazepam Things in that pharmacological family That'll calm a person way down And mute or attenuate some of those responses Oh and you probably knew this

[21:03] Psychopaths and sociopaths That includes most people living in DC Are no match for a polygraph Because for example with politicians Lying is a part of their lives It comes natural to them For some people Lying has no measurable physiological effect And that's what the machine's checking right? Alright so then what happened next? Well Eddie found George's service That would do people at 250 bucks a crack So within a day or two The polygraph guy came over Eddie was there too And George went through the story with him Then the polygraph guy pulled out three release forms Which each of the three candidates had to sign Along with producing their sedulas and or passports And at the same time He said if one of the other of those three Does not want to sign this You've got your man or woman

[21:49] And he also said and remember Eddie relayed this story to me So I might be screwing up some of the details He said when I asked the questions I'm not gonna use the exact amount of money I'm just gonna say the money And I'm specifically gonna use your apartment number I.e. George's apartment number When referring to the robbery He said I'm not gonna say the bedroom Or the master bedroom Because then in their mind They can start rationalizing He said for example it's better to ask the question Did you steal the spare tire from the car Than to say did you steal the spare tire From the trunk of the car Make the questions easy and simple Anyway the release forms were signed A day was set up for the polygraph And the three suspects went in At different times for the test First the cleaning lady

[22:34] Her results? Well she passed quite nicely With a 96.5% truth accuracy rating By the way the polygraph guy The polygraphista He said his initial first impression Before he even did the test Was that she probably wasn't involved Because with that amount of money in her hand 4,000 bucks Which is more than a year's salary for her She would likely have never returned to work again And if she did She'd have been way too nervous To consent to a polygraph But she did he said And was nervous like all people are Before a polygraph Everyone is Except true sociopaths Because even people who are totally innocent Have a certain distrust of technology And the questions can be rough and blunt Oh and this is funny The polygraphista guy said that

[23:21] A cleaning lady brought in a cop with her Turns out he was her uncle or something A tough customer Who grilled the polygraph guys over and over again He said he was against his niece Signing the release form But he knew if she didn't Everyone would think she was guilty In fact he wanted to go into the exam room with her But that of course is not allowed Next up was the young carpenter's helper Eddie says his name was Elvis How could you forget that? And his results he got caught three times Trying to fool the machine Using certain respiration and diaphragm techniques You can find easily on the internet He was judged a liar With the probability of him being involved in the robbery 97% And finally we have Damian the carpenter Who the engineer supported unconditionally

[24:06] As an honest and trustworthy guy He failed the test completely And on all pertinent points And man was George relieved For one it vindicated him in front of his wife Who thought he was going nuts Or that early Alzheimer's was kicking in Two that he was right and correct And ordering that polygraph test And three that he made a great decision Getting his cleaning lady She was a good and honest person Then came the showdown The architect came The engineer came Remember they knew nothing yet However, most unexpectedly The engineer slash contractor Brought the two suspects His workers with him And now they all were going to hear their results For the very first time So the paperwork was handed to the engineer Explaining the graphs And the questions that were asked

[24:52] He looked it over Saw the results And instantly tried to start finding fault With the methods The questions asked But it was a very well done report Lots of detail And lots of stuff to pick at So then he turned to the older guy And said the test said you lied And the older guy practically jumped out of his seat And to the younger guy He said the test said you lied too And tried to trick the polygraph Then a kind of a shouting match broke out This was a week or two after the incident So the two guys had days and days To get their story together And then the older guy who was furious Since he'd just been called a liar He said why did you only polygraph three people There were other people in the house Yeah one was George Like he was going to steal his own money Then the older guy said

[25:39] Why didn't George's wife take the polygraph She was there too And what about the other guy that was in the house He said that even though the sign-in book At the front desk The ledger that has to be Initialed by workers and guests Showed only three people had signed in that day Namely him The carpenter His assistant and the cleaning lady That didn't seem to matter to him He kept insisting there was another Male person there in the house that day Someone who hadn't signed in A phantom But man when he insinuated that George's wife Possibly stole the money Well he shouldn't have done that That was a bad move on his part Being the fiery latina that she is She walked over to the door Opened it and threw him out She said no one accuses me of being a thief In my own house And then the engineer who was really on the spot

[26:24] His reputation at stake Furiously sticking up for his voice Said I don't agree with these results He said where did you get this polygraph guy? He sort of insinuated collusion As if George somehow had a buddy Who had a polygraph business And remember all this is going down fast now In Spanish with Eddie translating furiously Then George's wife said to the engineer Well if you don't agree with the results You can always find your own polygraph guy There are plenty of them on the internet But we did our part and it's on your dime And with that the engineer got up and said That's what I'm gonna do I'm gonna get another polygraphist Adios So he was sticking up for his workers to the bitter end Even though they both tried to fool the machine And got caught in multiple lies So never mind the actual results At the bitter end there was a communication breakdown Whether the engineer forks out for a second polygraph test

[27:12] Eddie says he thinks that'll happen Because the engineer struck him As a real honest forthright guy Who wants so badly to prove his workers are good guys too That he's gonna get sucked right into the abyss with him So that's how it sits And George is parting words to Eddie On the bright side he said It only cost me 4,750 bucks To find out it wasn't Alzheimer's after all No spamos