Episode Summary
In this episode of The Expat Files, Johnny Mueller provides an honest and candid look at expat life in Latin America, touching on a variety of topics that reflect the complexities of living in the region. He begins by introducing the podcast as a platform that offers a realistic view of life in Latin America, contrasting it with the idealized portrayals often found in travel magazines and websites. He highlights the challenges expats face, particularly with geography, and recommends a quiz site to help listeners better understand the region.
Johnny discusses the difficulty of distinguishing certain South American countries, such as Suriname, French Guiana, and Guyana, which are not technically Latin American but are still worth mentioning due to their unique characteristics. He explains that these countries are remote, have limited infrastructure, and are not ideal for expats seeking a first-world lifestyle, but they offer a different kind of experience for those who enjoy a more rustic setting. He also mentions that these countries have very few McDonald's locations, which he notes could be a positive aspect for some expats.
In a more humorous tone, Johnny discusses the absence of McDonald's in certain Latin American countries, suggesting that expats might adapt to this lack of fast food. He then shifts to a more educational tone, recommending a geography quiz on the 'iliketolearn.com' website to help listeners better understand Central and South America. He emphasizes the importance of this knowledge for both expats and locals, noting that even many locals lack a clear understanding of the region's geography.
Johnny also addresses an email from Annabelle, a US-born Latino expat, discussing the 'gringo advantage' and explaining that it does not apply to first-world Latinos, as the presence of deported Latinos has diminished the advantage. He then discusses the impact of deportation on Latin American expats, particularly focusing on individuals who have lived in the United States for a long time. He highlights how these individuals, despite being deported, often retain a level of cultural and social sophistication that sets them apart from the average Latin American citizen.
Johnny also addresses the challenges these individuals face in re-entering the United States legally and the resentment they sometimes provoke among local communities due to their perceived superiority. He then discusses the experiences of expats and the challenges they face in Latin America, particularly in relation to the economic and social dynamics between expats and locals. He highlights the contrast between the privileged upbringing of some expats and the struggles of those who have been deported, emphasizing how the latter's return to their home countries has affected the expat experience.
He also addresses the importance of handling money carefully in Latin America, warning against exchanging currency at street vendors and highlighting the risks of counterfeit money. Additionally, he warns about a new scam at international airports where exchange kiosks may not be legitimate banks and can potentially rip off travelers. In a lighter tone, Johnny discusses the pitfalls of currency exchange at airports, particularly in Latin America, where he advises against using the first money exchange kiosks due to high fees and potential corruption. He highlights the importance of using real banks, which are more reliable and transparent.
He also shares a story about the class system in Latin America, where even within the same household, different classes are separated by the type of television they watch. Johnny further elaborates on the nature of Latin American soap operas, noting the frequent emotional outbursts and dramatic storytelling, which he suggests are reflective of real-life experiences in the region. In a humorous segment, Johnny contrasts the emotional expressions of Latin men and first-world men, particularly focusing on crying as a sign of love. He suggests that Latin men often cry to manipulate their partners after cheating, while first-world men express love through actions rather than tears.
The segment also includes a story about Eddie, an expat, and his girlfriend, who misunderstands his lack of emotional outbursts as a lack of love. Johnny then transitions into a light-hearted anecdote about ear hair and soap operas, highlighting the exaggerated behaviors common in Latin soap operas, such as men crying and talking to themselves. He concludes by suggesting that these behaviors are so stereotypical that one could identify a Latin soap opera by turning off the sound and observing the actions.
Finally, Johnny discusses his personal experiences with mental health, mentioning supervised medication and a conversation with a therapist. He reflects on his own struggles with mental health, including feelings of sadness and the need for professional help. The segment includes a promotional message for The Expat Files, encouraging listeners to email with questions about Latin America.
Topics
Introduction to The Expat Files, Geographical challenges in Latin America, Recommended quiz for geographical knowledge, Discussion of non-Latin American countries in South America, Comparison of first-world lifestyle in Latin America, Unique characteristics of Suriname, French Guiana, and Guyana, McDonald's in Latin America, Geography of Central and South America, Gringo advantage, Expatriate experiences in Latin America, Deportation and its impact on Latin American expats, Cultural and social sophistication of deported individuals
Chapters
00:00:00 Opening 00:00:37 Johnny's observation on the difficulty of identifying Latin American countries 00:01:13 Recommendation of a quiz site for geographical knowledge 00:02:09 Discussion of the number of Latin American countries and their locations 00:02:32 Johnny's personal experience with the geographical challenges 00:03:10 Explanation of the unique characteristics of Suriname, French Guiana, and Guyana 00:04:48 The Absence of McDonald's in Latin America and Its Implications for Expats 00:05:20 A Recommendation for a Geography Quiz to Better Understand Central and South America 00:06:51 The Limited Presence of McDonald's in Paraguay and Nicaragua 00:08:18 Johnny Responds to Annabelle's Email About the Gringo Advantage for US-Born Latinos 00:09:22 The Ruin of the Gringo Advantage in Central America 00:10:02 Annabelle, Your Competition 00:10:44 Deported Individuals at Parties 00:11:49 Legal Barriers for Deported Individuals 00:13:17 Deported Individuals and Their Perception of Success 00:13:47 The Privilege of Summer Vacations 00:14:23 Deported Individuals and Their Return 00:16:40 Money and Currency Exchange in Latin America 00:18:22 Introduction to the topic of currency exchange in Latin America 00:19:21 Discussion on the reasons behind the placement of currency exchange kiosks in airports 00:20:39 Introduction to the class system in Latin America 00:22:00 Summary of Johnny's observations on Latin American soap operas 00:23:25 The Difference Between Latin and First World Men in Love and Romance 00:24:30 A Funny Observation About Ear Hair and Love 00:26:48 Identifying Latin Soap Operas by Their Exaggerated Behaviors 00:27:16 Mental Health and Medication Consideration 00:27:19 Therapy and Self-Reflection 00:27:24 Emotional Struggles and Therapy Sessions 00:27:29 Feelings of Sadness and Vulnerability 00:27:36 Podcast Promotion and Listener Engagement 00:27:41 Call to Action for Listener Interaction 00:27:45 Reiteration of Podcast Contact Information 00:27:50 Closing and Next Episode Reminder
Transcript
Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.
[00:03] Hi everybody, I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to The Expat Files, living in Latin America. The show that tells you what it's really like to live, work, play and or retire in Latin America. I tell it just like it is, not the version they give you in those glossy travel magazines, or the picture they paint for you in those international traveler websites, where they're only trying to sell you something. What's it really like for expats living in Latin America? Well, it's time to take off those rose colored glasses and find out. So let's get started. You know, in thinking about Latin American geography, I'll bet you not one in a thousand first world people could actually draw a decent map and outline the countries. I'll bet if you even had a nice map depicting Mexico all the way down to the tip of South
[00:50] America, with all the countries drawn in but not labeled, not one first world person in a hundred could get the names right, even if he or she was a geography teacher and then I'd still have my doubts. And even me, a guy who's been down here 20 years. I have my own troubles with maps. Even some of my friends like Expat Eddie, who've been down here a decade or more, they'd have a hard time filling in a blank map themselves. And I know it. And that's why I was so happy when Tony sent me an email that has a link to a site called I like to learn dot com. That's I like to learn, where two is not a word but a number, I like to learn dot com. Now if you link up to this site you'll see there are a lot of quizzes about the world and geography, specifically map quizzes, where they show you a map of a region or a continent or two with the countries outlined but the names left in blank.
[01:39] And it instantly prompts you to take a quiz. For example, they'll show you Central and South America, then you'll be prompted to find a country on the map. In the quiz it'll ask for example, where is Mexico? Or where is Brazil? Or where is Suriname? And you click on the country and it tells you whether you're right or wrong. And if you're wrong, you just take another guess at it, until you get it right. Now I highly recommend this quiz for anyone who has any doubts at all about the locations and sizes, relatively, of all the places in Latin America that I talk about. Now like I said before, there are 20 Latin American countries, but they're not all located in Central or South America. You still have Cuba and the Dominican Republic stuck somewhere in the Caribbean, so this little quiz that I'm talking about won't help you there. But that's okay. You'll get the other 18. Plus a few more, the ones that are located in South America that are not technically
[02:28] Latin American countries, like Suriname and French Guiana and Guyana. Of course of Jim Jones fame, if you're old enough to remember that, like I am. And by the way, that's where that famous term, he must have been drinking the Kool-Aid came from. Anyhow, to tell you the truth, I've always had trouble with those three South American countries. I always get their placement mixed up, since they're all about the same size and they butt right up against each other, and they're all three wedged right between Venezuela and Brazil on the Pacific coast of South America. And funny enough, I do get emails about those countries once in a while, and I will be talking about them in the future, so stay tuned. Even though those three aren't technically Latin American countries, there are some very interesting things to say about them. And that's due to the fact that they weren't originally colonized by Spain or Portugal,
[03:15] but by the French and the Dutch. All three of these countries are set in thick tropical jungles, and they don't have anything like a metropolitan urban area, probably because all three countries are so lightly populated. Each has less than a million in population. The fact is, they're just way off the radar. And even if you compare them with a backwater country like Paraguay, it still would be like comparing Rhode Island with New York State. Not to mention, they're extremely hot, humid, and tropical, all the time. So at least at this time anyway, I don't recommend any of those three countries as a place to live, work, and or retire for a first world expat or expat wannabe, unless you want to be a banana, coffee, or sugar baron, or you just want to lounge around the beach drinking pina coladas and daiquiris all day long. Because in these three countries, it's still a bit difficult to live a completely first
[04:03] world lifestyle, as opposed to the other 20 Latin American countries that I talk about, where living like a first world person is quite easy. Because all the first world products and perks are available, vis-a-vis Walmart, Sears, Office Depot, and the like. But you won't find any of those first world transplants down in Suriname, French Guiana, or Guyana. To me, living in one of those countries, at least to me right now, is the definition of roughing it. In fact, Suriname only has two McDonald's in the whole country, and French Guiana, one. But I hear that one's been closed to lack of business, but I could be wrong. Though, you know, the unintended consequences of having only two or less McDonald's, maybe even none in your country, could be a very good thing now, couldn't it? Who knows, that just might be on the top of your list as an expat wannabe. Boy, wouldn't that be novel, living in a country where there's zero McDonald's?
[04:52] How's the first world guy supposed to get high blood pressure, or clog his arteries? Sheesh. Think of it. No Golden Arches. No Ronald McDonald. Actually, a guy could get used to that, and that of course would mean there's no Taco Bell, or Wendy's, or Burger King, or Pizza Hut, or Domino's. They never come into a country unless a McDonald's comes in first. McDonald's always seems to be the flagship of crappy junk food palaces now, doesn't it? Anyway, I'll talk more about those three countries in a future show, so stay tuned. And don't forget, I do recommend that you go to this site called iliketolearn.com, then once you're there, click on the geography icon, and it'll give you a list of continents, and you go all the way down to the last one which says South America. Click on that, and a colored map of Central and South America will come up.
[05:38] Now, I don't know why Central America comes up when you click South America, but it does, and that's cool because those are all the countries we're talking about, Central and South American countries. Then it'll immediately prompt you to take the quiz, like, for example, where is Columbia? Then you move the cursor on over to Columbia, or the country that you think is Columbia, you click on it, and then it'll tell you if you're right or wrong, and it'll keep on quizzing you. And I guarantee you, after about 10 minutes of this, you'll really know Central and South America. Then for once, when you're listening to the expat files, every time I mention a Latin American country, you'll have a picture of it in your mind's eye, which is a huge help because like I said, even expats who do live down here in Latin America, and locals too for that matter, a good percentage of them don't really have a good idea of where the other Latin American countries are in relation to the country they're living in.
[06:25] And I'm not saying that first world US citizens are any better at their own geography, because I bet you if the average American took that same quiz with his own country, only one in a thousand would get the 50 states right. And if you happen to think you can't, just take the same test on the North American map on that I like to learn site, just to see how dumb you really are. And if you really want to look foolish, just click on the European map and get ready to look like a real dunce. But that's another story. And by the way, speaking of McDonald's franchises, did you know that Paraguay and Nicaragua only have six McDonald's in the whole country, and the whole country of Uruguay has just one? Just thought you expat wannabes up there might want to know that fact, because it gives you a great idea of just how wide open that first world franchising field is down here in Latin
[07:11] America. So anyway, I'd like to thank Tony for sending me that little link to that Latin American map quiz. And the fact of the matter is, when I took that little quiz, I didn't get them all right myself. I screwed up on guess what, Suriname and French Guiana, naturally. Okay, let's move on to some other things. Now, as you know, if you've been listening to me for a while, I always talk about that strange phenomena I like to call the gringo advantage. You know the story, you come down to Latin America as a first worlder and automatically you get three points added to the 10 point scale, whether you deserve it or not. And usually you don't. It's just the way things are the way Latin stereotype us. And by the way, it's just the reverse of the way we stereotype them when they come up to the first world. And though, as you know, in past programs, I've explained a lot about that concept and why it works for almost every first world gringo that comes down here to Latin America,
[08:00] as long as he or she doesn't settle into a high volume tourist area like Costa Rica or Panama or Cancun. Because by then, usually gringos and the gringo dollar have pretty much contaminated the place and that's all you are really, is a dollar sign to the locals. Anyway, in regards to that gringo advantage that I talk about, I got an interesting email the other day from Annabelle and here's what he has to say about that. He says, Dear Johnny, I'm a Latino, New York City born and raised of Puerto Rican descent. I speak, read and write Spanish fluently. I have a desire to live in the Mayan coast, specifically in Tulum or Belize for a few years. I really want to leave the US, I hate everything about it. You always talk about the gringo advantage, but I never hear you talk about US born Latino expats or expat wannabes when it comes to the gringo advantage.
[08:47] Does it still work for them too? Do you have a program on that or did I miss it? Or will you do one in the future? If not, what would be my advantage moving to Latin America as a US born Latino? Well Annabelle, I never really did talk about that on my show yet, but here goes. Unfortunately for you Annabelle, it seems that the gringo advantage is not transferable to first world Latins. Not even Latinos that were born and bred in the United States. At least certain parts of the gringo advantage aren't transferable, that's for sure. Because here's the thing, there are just so many deported Latinos down here in Latin America, especially in Central America, that they've absolutely ruined the gringo advantage for any first world Latinos that might want to come down and become expats. Anyway, every single family, especially in the big cities down here, every one of the
[09:35] low and middle class latin families down here has at least one person who is deported from the United States. And many of these guys were up there for a long long time and they actually know the US and its customs pretty damn well. And they more or less know how to act up there in first world society, how to get by, how to dress, how to speak, they know how to be a relatively decent citizen up there, and they know how to obey the traffic laws, at least the ones that have been up there for five years or more. So Annabelle, that's your competition. When you come down here in Latin America, whether you like it or not, you still look like a Latin American, even if you were born up in the first world, and though you're probably much more educated than the average Latin down here, and you act and dress much better than any middle class Latin does. Believe it or not, so do millions of these guys that have gotten deported from up there
[10:22] in the first world. And a lot of them come back with an attitude and a chip on their shoulder. Once they do get deported back to their home country, whether it's Guatemala or Salvador or Belize or Honduras or wherever, if they've been quite a while up in the first world, they don't revert back to their old bad third world habits, at least not the ones that are gang members. By osmosis, they're culturally a cut above. And these are the guys I run into all the time at parties. Not embassy parties of course, but local Latin house parties usually. They see that I'm from the first world, and they plant their butts down right next to me, and they start talking about things up in Chicago or New York or wherever, because they lived there for five or ten years, and they wish like hell they were back there. And sometimes it feels like they're actually trying to impress me with the knowledge that they have of the first world, hoping that I'll somehow adopt them as a friend or something.
[11:11] And maybe I'll even give them a letter of reference in English of course, so that they can bring it down to the embassy, on the off chance that it just might help them get a visa legally. Or that I might even sponsor them on a trip up to the United States, which of course I'll never do. Well, I haven't done it yet anyway. And the thing is, every guy that I've ever met who's been deported is just dying to get back to the first world. I mean, most of these guys have a sixth grade education and have gotten nothing sophisticated to offer the first world except hard manual labor, and they're willing to give it, especially when they can make in the US up to ten times what they make down here in Latin America. And by the way, once a guy's been deported like that, he'll never get back into the United States legally. His name is already in the computers and on a blacklist, so even if he wins the lottery and somehow marries a gringa that's down here, he's still going to have a hell of a time
[11:59] ever getting a visa back to the United States. It's virtually impossible. So the only way he'll ever get back is by going back illegally, sneaking through the border again. And guess what? Illegal aliens who are caught up in the United States and deported back down here to Latin America, nine out of ten times they try it again. Now guys that have been up in the United States for a while and have been deported, ones that know their English pretty well. Now I have to tell you, these guys have a pretty big chip on their shoulders. They think they're better than the average Latin person down here because they've been living up in the first world and were making five or ten bucks an hour while their families and friends down here in Salvador might have been making five or ten bucks a day. In a way, they were kind of the hero of the family, at least while they were away, sending
[12:44] back money every month by Western Union or another money transferring service which I talked about in a previous show so you can look that up in the archives if you like. Anyway, nearly every middle and lower class family has a hero in the family like that, sending money back. And that goes on for years and years sometimes, until the guy gets caught and deported or not. But when these people do get deported back to their home country, they sure as hell don't want to work for five, ten or fifteen dollars a day like the rest of the family members do. They figure basically that kind of pay is beneath them in a way they've been tainted by what they consider first world success. US minimum wage, which is about six or seven bucks an hour, is big success to these guys believe me. And I run into these guys all the time and they actually are dressed a little bit better and are a little bit more cultured than some of their own brothers and sisters and family
[13:31] members. And you know what, a lot of the common Latin people, the ones that have never been up to the first world, kind of resent these guys that get deported. Because they come back to their home city or town with a bit of a chip on their shoulders and a pompous attitude, which kind of reminds me of some of the college kids I once knew up in Chicago, the ones whose parents had enough money to send them to Europe on their summer vacation. Whereas average college kids like me had to pick up a job in the summer. And I remember coming back from summer vacation and running into some of those privileged guys and girls that got to go to Europe on their summer vacation and they always had their nose a little bit up in the air about it and never failed to let us average guys know that we were common folk and they were the worldly ones. And you know what, they were probably right. And I for one was jealous. But we didn't like it much when they rubbed their nose in it either.
[14:19] And that's exactly what a huge percentage of these deported guys do. When they come back in town and meet the folks in France, they always rub their noses in it. And some of them really do feel like they should be treated like the conquering hero. After all, they were sending money back every month now, weren't they? Only now, of course, they're broke, dead broke. And all they've really got is to close on their backs because when you get caught for an immigration violation up north, you're not allowed to go back to your apartment and gather up your wardrobe and your plasma TV and stuff. They don't give you a couple of leisurely weeks to get your stuff in order and sell your car. They just put you in a detention center with 100 other illegals they caught that night when they did a document sweep at the Oscar Mayer Wiener plant. What a change in fortune. From 10 bucks an hour at the weenie plant to 10 bucks a day in the Nike plant in Honduras.
[15:07] So like Shakespeare says, my health might have fallen. So Annabelle, I'm sorry to say that's your competition. Not that you'd ever stoop to taking a local job like that. I'm not talking about that at all. But what I am saying is this. All those millions of Latin guys and girls who've been deported from the US and sent back down to their home countries, well, these guys and gals have actually ruined the gringo advantage for any Latinos who were born up in the US who'd like to come down here and live the expat life. And it doesn't matter how cultured or highly educated you are, you're still gonna be competing in the same job pool as the locals, if you're down here looking for a job that is. But since you were born in the first world, you have by osmosis assimilated all those first world traits that give you a huge leg up if you start your own small business. Because no doubt, you'll see all those stupid errors the locals make when they set up their
[15:57] small businesses and you really can improve on that stuff in a hurry. So if you open a small business and you follow your first world instincts, you have a great chance of being a success. But when you walk into a room full of Latins, you still look Latin. And in such a classist and racist society like Latin America, if you're a Latin guy and you're in a room full of Latins, the guy that gets the most attention, the most women and the most respect, is the guy with the best car, the most bodyguards, and the most expensive Rolex. However, if a first world waspy guy or an African American from the States ends up down here in Latin America at a party or a meeting, let's say, in a room full of local Latins, well, that old gringo advantage kicks right in. Except, of course, in a high-volume tourist area. Now I want to talk a little bit about money and money changing down here in Latin America.
[16:44] Now I always insist that you change your money at a real bank down here. And never with the local guys on the street. Not because they won't give you a good rate. Just the opposite. They'll usually give you a terrific exchange rate. Sometimes one that seems too good to be true, and it often is, because a lot of these guys are known to pass you a few counterfeit notes along the way. And believe me, there's a lot of counterfeits going down around here. In fact, in mom and pop shops, whether it's a hardware store or a beauty shop or a pharmacy, you'll usually see a counterfeit bill or two taped under the counter. So if the locals get slipped a bad bill once in a while, and they live down here and really know the look and feel of their own currency, well, let's just say any foreigner is more than an easy mark. So all right, you find a bank, you go and you change your money. And like I've recommended in a past show, every single international airport has a number
[17:32] of banks situated somewhere on the concourse near the duty free shops and the arrivals and departures. However, recently at big airports, I've seen that there's a completely new legal way to screw you out of 10 or 15 or even 20% every time you buy or sell currency. And it's right at the airport, a place where everybody coming into the country thinks they have to change at least some money right away into the local currency, or they probably can't even take a taxi because not all taxis take dollars, even ones that service the airport, which of course is common if you're not in a tourist area. So here's the scam, and you know, it doesn't even look like a scam. Now in a lot of big international airports down in Latin America, the first bank you see to change your money more than likely isn't a bank at all, but just a little kiosk exchange outlet designed to look just like a bank.
[18:19] And it probably even has a name that sounds like a bank. Like how about Aztec Trust and Exchange? Now doesn't that sound like a Latin American bank? It sure does. And it's all nice and official looking, just like a bank all lit up with plasma TVs outside listing all the exchange rates in Swiss francs and Canadian dollars and British pounds and euros and everything. I'd advise you not to change your money there. Don't be hasty. Instead, walk down the concourse a little bit farther, and you're bound to run into a few more banks. Real banks. And you'll know they're real banks because they'll all have an ATM machine outside, or inside, and that ATM machine will have the bank's logo plastered all over it. That's how you know it's a real bank. And besides the fact that all the banks will be competitive in their exchange rate, and
[19:04] none of them will vary more than half a percent from each other, well you might be wondering how a currency exchange company that's going to stick you for 10 or 15% on every dollar you exchange, well how come they get the priority spot right in the causeway and they're the first place you see when you want to change money, just a minute or so after you get off the plane? Well, that's all about the money too. A money exchange service like that can pay big rent to be anywhere it wants in the airport. Plus, in Latin America, there's so much graft and corruption that it shouldn't surprise you to know that booths with a choices spot at the airport, the ones with the best traffic patterns, are often paying a kickback to some big wig at the airport to maintain that choice juicy spot. Down here, that's just the way it is. But then again, it's probably like that at O'Hare Field too. So once again, skip the first money changing kiosk that you see and instead, walk just
[19:54] a little bit farther or ask somebody where the banks are. And the nice thing about international airports is, most people manning a kiosk or a booth speak English. And it does help that the word bank in Spanish is banco. Okay now, let's change gears a bit. I was at Expat Eddie's house in Salvador the other day, sitting around in his luxury living room, listening to Expat Eddie's latest adventures while his girlfriend was sitting there glued to that 52-inch TV watching her novellas. You know, Latin soap operas. They call them telly novellas down here. And after a while, Eddie and I ducked into the kitchen for a sandwich and in the corner, his maid was sitting watching her little television and guess what, she was watching the very same program as Eddie's girlfriend, the TV soap operas. But of course, this is Latin America where the class system is rigid.
[20:42] So Eddie's girlfriend, the queen of the house with the 52-inch plasma TV, would never think of sitting down in the same room to watch the same telly novella because that would break the rules of class distinction. Even though a year and a half ago, before Eddie met his girlfriend, she was living with her family in a bad part of town, in a tiny hut with a laminated roof, watching her telly novellas on an old 19-inch RCA traditional TV. You know, the big boxy kind. Not a flat screen. Anyway, while we were in the kitchen, Eddie left for a while to yell at the gardener or something and I sat there eating my lunch and kind of just sat there, you know, daydreaming a bit, just kind of mindlessly staring at the soap opera. And then I noticed something odd. There was only a picture on that maid's television set. There was no sound coming from it at all.
[21:28] So in effect, she was watching it in the kitchen and listening to the sound of the program coming out of the 52-inch plasma TV in the living room. But the living room was quite a ways off, and the sound coming from it was so faint and tinny that I felt a bit guilty every time I swiveled a bit in my chair because it made kind of a squeaky noise that completely drowned out the faint sound of the soap opera coming from the living room. And I felt bad for the maid who was trying to watch the program and listen too, and here I was screwing up her audio. Anyway, after watching that soap opera for maybe 20 minutes myself, I realized two important things about Latin American soap operas. Number one, there's an awful lot of crying going on. About every five minutes, somebody cries. And though the girls do cry all the time, it seems in every episode, there's a guy crying
[22:13] too, and he's not even gay. And nine out of ten times he's crying because he cheated on his wife or his girlfriend, and now he's trying to get her back by playing on her sympathies. So he takes her to a really fine restaurant where she acts all cold and distant to him because, you know, he screwed around on her, and then he grabs her hands across the table and starts pleading with her, and then the tears come. And in another common story line, she gets mad right in the middle of dinner, storms off and he catches up with her in the parking lot, and then he starts crying. And the fact is, you never see that on first world TV, unless a guy's at his mother's funeral, or he got kicked square in the balls, or he's passing a kidney stone. And guess what? That happens in real life too down here. These Latin guys can turn the tears on and off like a faucet.
[23:00] And yes, that's right, you guessed it. They learn that trick quite early in life because so many of them cheat on their wives and girlfriends and get caught. In fact, expat Eddie's girlfriend once asked me how many times a month I cry, and I told her, none? Why? Why do you ask? And she said, oh, you're just like Eddie. He never cries either. And I said, yeah, so? And right there, folks, is one big difference between Latin and first world guys when it comes to love and romance. Because it turns out, when a Latin girl has her very first gringo boyfriend after having the usual string of lousy Latin ones, not that first world guys are all that much better, but the fact of the matter is actually, we are. Anyway, it turns out, when a Latin girl goes out with a first world gringo, she'll often think that he's not that passionate, and he doesn't really love her all that much because,
[23:48] well, he just doesn't cry. But soon enough, she realizes that a first world guy doesn't have to cry to prove that he loves her. He shows it in a lot of other ways. Anyway, what Latin women never seem to get is the fact that when one of her old Latin boyfriends did cry, it was always to try to get back into her good graces after some horrible thing that he'd done, like cheat on her. And you know, later on, Eddie asked me what his girlfriend and I were talking about, and I said, Eddie, she's complaining that you never cry. And Eddie laughed, and he said, yeah, I can't cry. That's right. And I don't smack her around either. I guess that means I don't love her, right? And then Eddie told me that his girlfriend cries at least two or three times a week. And I said, yeah, mine does too, Eddie. But back to the soap opera story. Now here's something that's going to make you laugh. It has to. When we went back into the living room, Eddie sat down next to his girlfriend, and after
[24:36] about five or ten minutes, she started screwing around with his ears. Now I don't know about you, but there seems to be a certain age that a guy gets when he starts growing a few small strands of dark hair out of his ears. Now apparently the ear hairs are just starting with Eddie. And it seems his girlfriend is bound and determined to pluck them out before they ever see the light of day. So Eddie, who's not much self-conscious at all, says to me, while his girlfriend is perusing his ear canals for hidden hairs, well, Eddie just rolled his eyes and looked at me and said, I wish she wouldn't do that in public. But you know the old saying, the things we do for love. And I said, I know, Eddie, I get the same routine. And then I heard a nice little bit of wisdom from Eddie's girlfriend. She said, you know what, every time I see a man with wild hairs growing out of his ears, I guarantee you he's got a wife or a girlfriend that doesn't really love him.
[25:24] And Eddie just nodded his head like a jack-in-the-box doll, and he gave me that all-knowing look that said, Johnny, she's right. And you know, after his girlfriend said that, now and again I'd make a point of glancing at a guy's ears. And I noticed a lot of older guys with completely clean ears, and just as many who didn't. Oh, and by the way, Eddie said, you know, I noticed you don't have any hair in your ears. I said, that's right, Eddie, but nobody touches my ears and makes company. So I'm asking all you expat wannabes up there, have you ever heard anything like that before? I'll bet you haven't. But I bet now that I mentioned it, you're gonna be staring at some ears now too, won't you? But back to that soap opera bit. Another thing I noticed about those soap operas is that nearly every single main character eventually talks to himself. I guess it's to push the storyline forward, it must be.
[26:10] But it's awful weird seeing a guy in bed, no one else in the room, talking to himself. And then a few minutes later, in a kitchen or a garden somewhere, you'll see another person all alone talking to his or herself. That seems to be a very common ploy in Latin soap operas, which really looks kind of fake and goofy to me, but the whole damn idea of soap operas is fake and goofy to me. So anyway, that means if you know just those two things, that men cry in these Latin soap operas at least once an episode, and that everybody talks to himself when he's alone, that means if you turn off the sound on the TV, you'd be able to tell within a few minutes that the program just has to be a Latin soap opera, because none of that stuff happens up in the first world, at least not that I know of. After that episode at Eddie's, I was at an embassy party talking to a psychiatrist, and
[26:55] I said to him, kind of baiting him, I said, what would you say about an adult male that cries a lot and talks out loud to himself when he's alone every day? Well of course, the psychiatrist said he couldn't make a judgement unless he saw the patient and did a one-on-one interview with him, of course, but he did say it sounded like a classic case of clinical depression, coupled most likely with a bipolar personality, and in any event, definitely a case for supervised medication. And then the shrink asked me if I was talking about myself, yet here I am in a room all alone, talking to myself for a half hour at a time, twice a week, and sometimes I just feel like crying. You've been listening to the Exped Files, living in Latin America, coming to you each
[27:41] week from somewhere south of the border, and don't forget you can email me on anything at all about Latin America, The Exped Files, at gmail.com. Once again, The Exped Files, at gmail.com. See you next time on Spamos.