#1155 – The Expat Files: Life in Latin America, Nicknames, and Global Travel Insights

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came out to play and now as I wonder Hello there all you ex-pat wannabes. I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started Let's see. Where should we start? What should we talk about today? Hey, here's a question for you. You know, I've been doing a show. I think 11 or 12 years now consistently Except for the occasional vacation. I haven't missed too many shows at all two new shows a week

[00:45] So my question is is the show getting dumb or smarter or staying pretty much the same or am I getting dumber or smarter? Or pretty much staying the same because you know, a lot of my friends and family never listen to my show at all Because you know for some fake book and dick-tot guy are a lot more interesting So I kind of have to depend on you guys out there to give me feedback Sure I got a couple of close friends that do that too on occasion But you never really know if they're giving their opinions just to needle me The other thing though after doing the show for 12 years, I never really know how much I'm repeating myself Of course, you know, sometimes you have to do that because new listeners are coming on all the time It's kind of a balancing act. Oh and speaking of buddies of mine You know, I've gotten a few emails here and they're asking me how Captain Mango got his name They're wondering how it came about that I give it to him Well, I don't think so

[01:32] But I was there when it stuck happened a long time ago if memory serves it turns out I'd say eight years ago a group of us were out at a beach town in Guatemalan boonies Hope I got this right now and we either bought or someone gave us a sack full of big mangoes So nighttime fell and we were on our way back to Guatemala City. We have this big sack of mangoes in the car Then it started to rain. It wasn't pouring but it was raining fairly steady And as we hit the main highway approaching Guatemala City traffic started building up It's nighttime now. Remember it's raining the traffic's getting thicker And then of course this crazy ass Motorcyclist starts weaving in and out of traffic either. He was drunk or had the requisite amount of brain cells missing

[02:19] That's right. Missing brain cells. That's the requirement to be a motorcycle is here What his problem was I couldn't tell you but that guy came off for close to hitting us a number of times and hitting other People to weave in and out sometimes this in front of us sometimes behind sometimes right next to us Crossing over two three lanes at a time. The guy had a real death wish So Captain Mango or the soon-to-be Captain Mango rolled down his window took out a big old mango and whipped it at the guy Just about clocked him. The guy didn't seem to notice at all He just kept on weaving so that the mango whipped another and another can't remember if he hit the guy or not He may have but that went on for quite a while till the mangoes ran out or nearly ran out And I'm telling you these were huge mangoes a direct hit could really hurt caused a lot of damage

[03:07] So anyway from that moment on he was Captain Mango so for all you inquisitive guys and gals out there who are wondering if he got that name because he Eats lots of mangoes has his fridge stocked with mangoes Surely he must grow mangoes or have a mango plantation. Nope. Not true Then perhaps he has a smooth unblemished mango like complexion Perhaps he cars little mango trinkets and sells them to tourists makes mango wine or maybe looks like a mango Inquiring minds want to know well, the mystery is over wonder no longer. It's none of the above Well, kind of now get this one listener even wrote in asking if Captain Mango has any t-shirts for sale Any merchandising, you know keychains ashtrays wristwatches. Well, he's got some personalized Captain Mango wardrobe touches

[03:52] That's for sure. But as far as merchandising and things for sale to the public not yet Another thing about Captain Mango. He's a big believer in vitamin T Tequila only the good stuff though But one of his main gifts is that he's got a green thumb So then why isn't he grown mangoes? Well in lieu of that he runs a small coffee plantation The thing is being way up in the Altiplano at about five to six thousand feet above sea level The coffee grows like gangbusters, but mangoes they like to be at sea level That's not to say you can't grow mad five or six thousand feet I've done it you do see mango trees here and there while walking up and down the streets and out in the wild But believe me They prefer to grow at or near sea level and the Altiplano being a mile high is anything but that By the way, if you're into growing your own anything take avocados

[04:39] they grow extremely well in the Altiplano and you know as well as I do avocados are really big up in the states and they're very expensive now and That's one of the real great secondary effects of living in Latin America You could plant just about anything in your backyard and it'll grow You could jam a stick in the ground come back in two or three weeks and see green chute sprout not of it Back down here in Latin America There's kind of a natural fence that farmers and indigenous people often put up you heard that right a natural organic living fence It's not at all constructed like a regular fence It's done by jamming a certain kind of stick into the ground wherever you might want your fence You put those sticks in the ground about six inches to a foot apart Now each stick is about two to three feet tall and believe me these things are just sticks

[05:25] They've got no leaves or foliage out them They look dead then in a couple of weeks They begin to sprout of course you want to start them out in the rainy season give them a fighting chance and within a year's Time you've got a natural solid fence that you can't even see through. I Forgot the name of that plant now It's slipped my mind, but you see them all over the place especially where there's coffee fields The point is if you're living down here in Latin America, and you've got any kind of garden or natural space at all You can grow practically anything so why not plant a garden and some fruit trees? It's even more important now with all the food shortages and the chain supply interruptions and with inflation Booming and the price of food jumping up by they're saying in some places up in the first world a hundred percent in just one year Man if you have just a tiny piece of land down here You'll never have to worry about that on top of that if you put your mind to it

[06:13] You could even make some money if you got a little bit of land You know avocados are really big up in the states and man are they expensive now in Spanish. They're called agua cat days agua cat days Close enough her government work, huh? I like them a lot myself. I eat them practically every day So let's talk a bit about them since when you come on down You'll probably want to plant a few trees yourself now avocados as opposed to mangoes don't like growing at sea level That's why the big avocado producers are up in higher altitudes Not that you can't get them to grow. Let's say at your beach house. It's just that they don't thrive as near as well By the way as you might expect that low altitudes in the hot tropical areas Long-haired dogs don't do as well either, but Latinos even gringos don't seem to get that

[06:59] I'll tell you it's a fact long-haired dogs in beach areas It's a sad thing to see but the owners just don't seem to get it They always look kind of mangy sluggish and miserable and the bigger they are the more miserable They look unless of course. It's a yapping little lap dog that lives in air conditioning all the time But really sometimes it's just pathetic For example when you're hanging in the lowlands or a beach town and you see a Latino with a German Shepherd or Siberian husky Oh, and I'll tell you Latinos love those Siberian huskies You know why because they just love the fact they've got brilliant blue eyes I'm not kidding you imagine that the blue eyed thing here in Latin America extends to dogs too matter of fact I've had that very Conversation with Latinos owning those dogs are hoping to own one in other words Siberian owner wannabe syndrome But it's usually just a dream not a reality the average Latino family

[07:47] You know won't shell out five hundred or a thousand bucks to get one of those you know They're kind of expensive even down here because they're purebreds You know dishing out five hundred or a thousand bucks for the average Latino family is two or three months salary Sort of like the average American spending five to ten thousand bucks on a dog, and you know that's just not gonna happen So yes, I've noticed that some of the wealthier Latino families do have Siberian or Alaskan huskies with the bright blue eyes of course They come with that long hair, too They can be okay and quite comfortable if they're up in the altiplano, but man they'll keep out of the Sun however They're pretty much constantly miserable at low elevations in the sea level unless of course They're in an air-conditioned house all the time But confinement like that's no good at all for a big dog and when they're running around outside in the heat humidity

[08:34] With that long hair they pick up all sorts of bugs and grunge and they roll in things, too You know especially if another animals recently been there speaking of animals Did you know that Latin Americans have the most pets per capita than any other region in the world in? In fact considering Argentina and Mexico according to recent stats 80% of households have at least one pet Generally a dog obviously they're not counting the kookaracha's by the way pets in Spanish is mascota Mascota which comes from the root word mascot makes sense, right? So the way it breaks down by statistics Argentina Mexico and Brazil have the highest per capita pet ownership in the world for example according to stats 65% of families in Argentina have a dog

[09:21] 63% of Mexican families have a dog and 57% of Brazilian families have a dog guess who comes in fourth the US of a With slightly less than 50% of families reportedly having a dog by the way get this the American Kennel Club did a survey recently it came up with an average cost of $2,500 per year to take care of a dog in the USA. That's food grooming Veterinary cost vacation boarding, etc. Etc. That's if you have a dog and you live in an American city now doing the numbers That means if you have a small dog and you live in the city, they generally live around 13 years That's 33,000 bucks over the life of that dog Hmm sounds like a lot but sure beats having kids Anyway, according to this chart in the USA 50% of US households have one kind of pet or other

[10:09] Alright looking at these charts guess who owns the most cats per capita by far Take a guess times up Russian families in fact, they own twice as many cats per capita than most any other country. I don't get it I'm not much of a cat lover myself though. They're not bad with barbecues sauce They just don't have a lot of meat on them by the way Can you guess which three countries have the least amount of cats as pets you probably guessed China South Korea in Japan? But oddly enough those same three countries along with Turkey have the highest percentage of pet fish per capita Yeah, pet fish they're part of the family. Alright, how heartwarming picture this your pet fish Trembling and staring anxiously at the front door as you pull up in the driveway after work

[10:59] Hmm pet fish. I never quite got that concept Oh and one last interesting thing on this chart the country that has by far the most pet You'll never guess and they've got twice as many birds per capita than the next country competitor. That would be times up and There is some irony to this Twikey not kidding. Yeah, it really is Turkey though. I doubt anyone in Twikey as a Twikey for a pet by the way I was in Turkey just a couple weeks ago. He's done bull You know the Turkish lira crashed around 40 to 50% against a dollar this year. So everything was dirt cheap I went to the big bazaar. It's supposed to be the biggest one in the world They've got five thousand little tien does jammed into that place. It's a real experience, but I'll tell you I'd never want to go back once is enough First off they certainly don't seem to like gringles all that much there

[11:48] But they tolerate us because well because it's all about commerce and trade and all that Now here's an observation lots of gringles and expects. I'll tell you when they hit Latin America land at the airport in whatever big city Once you get outside the airport doors and you're in the area with the taxis and all that People the locals are bound to come up to you and try to sell you trinkets and stuff And that's just what you need right after you've been fighting it out with TSA and all the other jerks at the airport After having been jammed into what's essentially a metal tube a couple of miles in the air for three or four hours It's its own kind of torture with any number of screaming kids Obese seatmates and god forbid you got to make a trip to that bathroom Meanwhile back in your seat whilst trying to pick out the edible parts of that pre-digested airplane food There's that occasional deadly fart that waves by now. I've said about that by the way in Spanish a fart is a pedo

[12:41] P-e-d-o pedal and if you're known to be a frequent farter no not frequent flyer frequent farter You're known as a pedoro pedoro Nothing complementary about that term anyway after those grueling hours in the plane and at the airport when you walk out You don't want to get bombarded with people selling you trinkets But they'll be there especially if you're landing in a gringo tourist area and the worst thing for me is if you're in a garden restaurant Or even inside a restaurant and suddenly an old lady or young kid pops up and shove some trinkets in your face Sometimes though it may sound rude It's best not to make eye contact at all because if you make too much eye contact or actually let them put a trinket in Your hand you'll draw even more of them to you. You'll have a hard time shaking them off Thankfully in Latin America anyway, most restaurant owners won't allow street sellers or street hawkers in the restaurant bothering customers

[13:31] Though once in a while one or two will sneak in but they won't last long They'll get bounced out problem is if you're like me like people watching so you go to outdoor Restaurants where they've got a few chairs and tables under umbrellas out on the sidewalk Then for sure people are gonna come by trying to sell you stuff and believe me when you're on the gringo tourist trail That could get out of hand But if you're off the trail that rarely happens though even off the trail and way out in the boonies You get the occasional shoeshine guy, but it's hardly ever a problem Now I know it sounds like I'm digressing again, but I'm hitting somewhere with this bear with me The point is if you're not interested, you say no, thanks No gracias or just no that's usually enough for some of them You need to say it two or three times now sometimes if they're very persistent They'll even make that certain hand-to-mouth motion indicating they're hungry

[14:18] which may or may not be true, but it does add a little sympathy into the mix as for me when they're peddling stuff and I Turn them down and they give me that I'm hungry hand motion thing I size them up to see if they really are on the edge You can tell by their shoes their clothes their eyes hygiene You can tell and if they're really on the edge I'll buy something from our given 50 cents or a buck But I'll tell you if they got a decent cell phone especially one that's better than mine And I have a pretty crappy one actually if they have a bunch of jewelry a nose ring or face piercings tattoos Ass-crack pants a gold tooth or two and a real pair of pumas or nike's even if they're scruffy Chances are that I'm hungry things a sympathy ploy the thing is though when you tell them no or you shoom away That's enough They're usually on their way and later on when you're walking around town even in a gringo tourist area

[15:03] And you see the same guy or gal they'll give you a look from across the street Maybe hold up the jewelry or whatever they're selling, but they won't run over and pounce on you again I'm saying this is the kind of stuff that happens on the gringo tourist trip When you're not on the trail and you're with the real people or out in the boonies that almost never happens The point is you say no one or two or maybe three times and they're gone though it is still kind of aggravating and you hear gringo sex passing tourists complaining about it all the time as For me, especially what I'm eating. I don't want people coming up to me trying to sell me stuff It's happened to me a thousand times especially on the tourist trail You'll be sitting alone at a garden restaurant or even with a couple of people and suddenly you'll spot a person or two or three Coming at you from across the street, and you're thinking oh, no here. They come

[15:49] How do you handle it? Are you nice about it? Are you simple? Well, that's cool. You should be What about when they persist you tell them to f off? Well, that's not a good idea either, but what are you gonna do? So then what's the best move I repeat you ignore them or just give them a couple of firm knows and they're gone Now to some newbie expats and gringles and tourists the first couple of times it happens It could be a lot of fun though the longer you're down here It does wear on you really when you think about it and look at the bigger picture It's not so bad at all The reality is what you see in that regard in Latin America is nothing Compared to what it's like in certain other parts of the world where the vendors are on you like stink on poop In some places they get their hooks in Tien just won't let go case in point As mentioned a couple weeks ago. I was in the biggest bazaar in the world istanbul turkey

[16:38] I sat down in an outdoor cafe to have a cup of coffee I ordered my coffee the waiter left the Turkish guy walked up to me with a knapsack Put it on my table pulled out about ten different types of counterfeit perfumes and clones Then he pulled out a little velvet pad from under his coat where he had a bunch of fake Rolexes I made the mistake of momentarily picking up one of those perfume boxes Just to look at the packaging and the fine print to see how good a fake it was and he immediately said 70 euros I said 70 euros. Hell you could buy the real thing for 80 or 90 by the way a euro these days It's worth about a buck ten Then he said yes, you're right the real things around a hundred euros But there are some really good fakes not all fakes are created equal take this Rolex and he handed it to me

[17:25] 300 euros he said and a real one 4000 he said indistinguishable to all but the collector. I said I'd never pay 300 euros for a fake anything He said how much would you pay? I said if you've noticed I don't wear any jewelry watches or any bling at all Which means I wouldn't even pay a hundred euro for a really great fake He said I have a Rolex for a hundred euros, but it's not a really good fake They're really good ones like this the one he handed me 300 euros for you 250 Then he said but I have a mediocre fake for around 200 euros and a really fake fake for around 100 euros You don't want that one if you look close you could tell it's a fake and I said, oh really you mean There's three kinds of fake Rolexes. I said, well guess what bud a fake is a fake is a fake

[18:13] I don't care if there's a good better or best fake, but I did learn something today about fakes I said one last time look at my wrist. I don't even wear a watch So you're wasting your time then he walked over to another table. I got my coffee Drank it I was out of there in about 20 minutes After about a half hour, I'm walking deep into the bazaar and suddenly the guys in front of me He shoves the perfume in my face and says 50 euros. I said look I'm not interested. He said how much would you pay? I said not interested. He said come on. Everyone has a price they'd pay. What would you pay? I shook my head then I started walking and he's right next to me still haggling I just couldn't get rid of this guy So I ducked into a leather clothing store and he did not follow me in because it seems that the guys that are Walking around trying to sell you stuff are not allowed inside official licensed stores

[19:02] So I was in that leather store 10 or 15 minutes and I walked out and guess who's standing right there starts following me again Again with the how much would you pay line? I just could not get rid of this guy and ducked into another store and electronic store and since in a past life I was an engineer stores like that and hardware stores can keep me busy for a long long time I must have been in that place for half an hour. I forgot all about that guy till I walked out He was standing there again. I just could not ditch him now Remember there are thousands of people walking around in this bazaar, but I still couldn't lose this guy That guy was on my tail for at least two and a half hours I ran into him everywhere in that bazaar. Remember, like I said, there's 5,000 different tienes there you could get yourself completely lost and never find your way out of there And of course practically every 10 steps

[19:48] There was a guy just like him trying to hawk his stuff or get you into his store and in the end later in The day when I was heading out the bazaar. I ran into him again Remember, I said his initial offer for that box of perfume in the restaurant was 70 euro Well by the time I was walking out two and a half hours later he was down to three boxes of perfume for 10 euros and I still didn't buy it But I learned a big lesson no matter how much gringles expats and tourists complain about getting pestered over and over by Little hawkers on the street selling trinkets in Latin America I have to say until you've been to other places in the world like Asia or the Middle East Those complaint you have about street vendors in Latin America. Well, you ain't seen nothing yet. So count your blessings Hey speaking of controversy, how about this email comes from mr. Neats and oh, he says Johnny you have a very interesting show

[20:39] Here's a question for you. Do you know what country has an average IQ of 47.72 why it's Guatemala Johnny what's it like to live around this sort of population? Are you able to tell the difference? Also, why do you live there given the immense poverty and it's scoring among the most violent countries in the world in terms of violent crime And theft by nearly all metrics It also seems that most of the countries that surround Guatemala also have a history of blatant corruption and violent crime What makes Guatemala a better place to live than any other countries that surround it? sincerely Neats and oh Well, mr. Anno, I can call you know, right? How about dr. Know? I like that better you sound exactly like a person who's never ever visited the place and all you get is your data

[21:29] From US government and lamestream media sources. In fact Doc ever since I started the show something like 12 years ago now I've always made it a point when the subject of crime and violence comes up to tell people that I rather like the fact that the US has Guatemala and the rest of the Central American countries on its blacklist or shit list Because you see as soon as the US State Department gives a country its seal of approval Like it did with Costa Rica some 20 or so years ago The gringos begin to pile in and totally ruin the place and now though Costa Rica is very beautiful Cost of living in skyrocketed rents are like New York not to mention every single gringo and expat I know who's lived there for more than a couple months has been ripped off and gouged in no small way either It seems everyone there has become a slave to materialism and the gringo dollar now

[22:18] Dr. Know when you mentioned the poverty and the high scores and violence regarding Guatemala I'd like to invite you to visit any big city in the United States Just get into a taxi and ask him to map out all the places in the city a newbie tourist or visitor should never Visit on foot or even a car day or night He'll give you an earful because there's places taxis won't even go. Oh and you talk about corruption You know, there's full agreement amongst every single gringo and expat who I've ever gotten into this conversation with we all agree on one thing There's plenty of corruption in Latin America, but it's on a tiny scale Compared to the usual and customary levels of corruption in the first world Look when in the US you get elected to the Senate House of Representatives vice president or president You have to report your earnings and tax returns before you enter office

[23:04] Isn't it funny that guys like Obama who was a state senator from Illinois made around 80 grand a year? It's just amazing or maybe it isn't that now look it up in 2022. His net worth is 70 million dollars In fact almost every congressman that walks into office making upper middle class salary As a lawyer or whatever a couple hundred thousand bucks a year. Maybe isn't it funny? They're all worth mega millions by the time they serve out their terms And most of them like bernie sanders are career politicians who never worked a job for a company that actually made a product They're nothing but sociopathic parasites now dr. No as far as that 49 average IQ thing It's a good thing to remember even in the first world every other person you meet on the street is below average

[23:50] Anyway, dr. No if you're in a country that has a low average IQ and you yourself are of a higher IQ Even though you can relate with practically everyone on the street in regards to day-to-day living You got to wonder how are you going to find anyone to have high-level conversations with? After all if you ask a guy with an IQ of 140, what's a black hole? You'll get a completely different answer from the guy with an IQ of 49 The thing is if you know anything about basic statistics There's the bell curve if you spread it over an IQ chart To the right of center on that curve even with a 49 average IQ you'll see after a couple of standard deviations That country will still have a percentage of very bright people some rather brilliant ones too. That's how statistical probabilities pan out So it's not like just because the average IQ is 49 everyone you meet is going to be a shit for brains of biden or bush jr

[24:39] Fact is I know quite a few very bright latinos myself some with advanced degrees I've met guys and girls a lot smarter than I am though They all the smart ones and the idiots have that one glaring latin defect that doesn't depend at all on IQ It's that ubiquitous manana time thing There's nothing we can do about that fact is after a while It starts rubbing off on us gringles and expats too not because it's contagious But because we've all been stood up or have been standing around holding the bag like idiots for so long After a while and for some of us it could take years eventually we get it We just know better than to show up on time or expect them to I mean really how many times does it take to learn Your lesson waiting on the plumber or the air conditioning guy for two three even six hours before he shows up In fact for some latinos two three even six hours late would be a blessing a gift look think of the phrase manana time

[25:28] It's a thoroughly well known and understood part of life in all 20 latin american countries It has to do with tomorrow not two three or six hours from now, but where were we? Oh, yeah doctor knows email Just a couple more comments number one if you're living in a latin american country, you'll always be able to find Intelligent people to hang out with and talk to no matter what the average IQ of the country Number two every single latin american city in town has many sections neighborhoods and districts That are absolutely modern and first world in every way That's where the upper middle classes the wealthy and the business owners live and work And because every single well-known first world franchise has landed good and bad even the ones you hate That means if you're living or working down here yourself, you can get practically anything Oh and just know in those nice upscale areas i'm talking about and they're everywhere

[26:16] The crime statistics are very low In fact in many cases much lower than what you'd consider low crime areas in the u.s But you never know that from the blogs and the media crap, which is completely okay by me I mean look if you're living down here, especially off the gringo tourist trail The last thing you want is hordes of gringos coming down Jacking up the cost of living changing things dramatically the way they wanted and throwing a monkey wrench Make that a hand grenade or even a cruise missile Into what once was a nice calm friendly laid-back culture All right, just to finish off here. I came across a very interesting article a survey of 1700 world travelers These are seasoned adult travelers who've been to at least 25 different countries They asked this question to a mix of international travelers at airports and not just citizens from the us or europe

[27:07] They were asked what country would you never want to visit again? Number one egypt number two china tied for third place india and russia number four the usa tied at number five france and mexico number six turkey number seven brazil number eight australia notice that the only two latin american countries that showed up on that top 10 no-go list were brazil and mexico You've been listening to the expat files living in latin america If you need some help with your own plan b we can schedule a one-on-one phone or skype consult Just send me an email the expat files at gmail.com And if you want to get on the waiting list for my next week-long expat insider seminar in central america Where you're guaranteed to get a two to five year head start on your plan b. Send me an email the expat files at gmail.com

[27:57] nos vamos