#1195 – The Expat Files: Real Experiences, Legal Challenges, and Life Redefined

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came out to play and now as I wonder Hello there all you ex-pad wannabes. I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started Alright, so you found me again. Yep. It's that very un-pc un-woke show the expat files living in Latin America Yep today. We've got another no bullshit Look at how expats live work play mate date and do business here in Latin America as you longtime listeners

[00:49] Know our conversations and boots on the ground stories hit on all kinds of different topics pertaining to expats We take in all subjects. We go all over the place We talk about the expats who are winners They found their version of paradise and the expat losers who end up going home with their tails between their legs for whatever reason And if they don't go home, they're the whiners and complainers You don't want to sit next to if you're stuck with them at a party So it's true. It's not all smiles and roses here in Latin America But I'll tell you if you add up the pluses and minuses if you come on down and make it past the first six Months or a year you'll never regret it By the way consider that first six months or year your probation period when you've got your training wheels on Anyway, the time will come when you'll wonder why you didn't come down ages ago Let's just say you'll never want to go back to Cleveland

[01:37] Which leads us right into this very telling email. It's from peter s he says johnny i'm 50 now Looking back and I guess most people do when they hit 50 My biggest regret is that i've lived the life others wanted me to live for example number one I became a lawyer because my dad's a lawyer and he said son you've got to follow in my footsteps I've paved the way for you number two When I got married I married a girl everyone else liked so much and thought I should marry because we'd be a good match We liked each other but in time found out we didn't have that special spark Soon enough we ran out of things to talk about we did what so many other incompatible couples did we stayed together for the kids Number three most of the friends I made were ones who could advance my law practice number four

[02:23] I joined clubs and organizations for the same reasons too Not because I wanted to but because I could make the right connections number five I went on vacations that others recommended. I would have loved to have climbed a volcano in guadamala For example, but my family said I was nuts and wouldn't go along with me. But now at 50 i'm done with all that Divorce the kids are out of the house on their own. I feel like a college kid again It's not a midlife crisis. It's a second wind So now what well i'm getting my plan b going of course So johnny, when's your next seminar put me on the list Signed peter from east orange new jersey Peter east orange i've heard that's a pretty dangerous place to live Well, I guess any place could be saved if you got dough, right?

[03:09] Anyway, peter good for you and it's nice that you discovered all this at age 50 and you're ready to act on it Because i'd say most americans who realize they've been living the life of others They can't do anything about it because they're stuck on the treadmill By the way at the end of this email peter put down the lyrics of a famous mama's and the papa's song Quote you better go where you want to want to go do what you want to want to do Remember that song If you do you're a boomer like me Oh and pete about that next seminar. We will be doing it in central america again By overwhelmingly popular demand looks like we're going to guatemala and el salvador again It'll be in the spring sometime of 23. Just keep listening and i'll keep you posted By the way, this particular expat file show first comes out on sunday november 13

[03:59] Just to let you know the one that's supposed to come out on friday the 18th Well, it'll probably be a repeat of a show because i'll be traveling in and out of the boonies and the jungle Just to let you know, but we'll be back with a new expat file show starting sunday the 20th of november All right, moving on, you know a couple of shows ago. I was talking about airbnb's here in latin america You know i've stayed in quite a few of them myself And since it seems to be a growth industry well till cove idiot anyway I continuously get emails from expats and gringos wondering if they should put their excess cash to work down here Buy a property or to enlist them with airbnb Now if you heard that show you heard me list my reasons why i'm against it Principally because the world's economy is imploding. You know that already inflation worldwide is exploding too

[04:50] People have less dough and less purchasing power. So they're going to travel less That means there's going to be less demand for airbnb's too In fact, the first thing people cut out when they're low on funds is traveling Which is a kiss of death for the airbnb and even the hotel business in general Anyway, since I did that show on airbnb's I got quite a few emails from people Airbnb owners even who by and large are completely agreeing with my assessment I've also been receiving quite a few emails from people who have been unhappy about their airbnb experiences Like for example this one from Lynn. She says johnny the fees on airbnb are insane Personally, there are a lot more work than you think a lot more work for me Anyway, because I like to clean it after I use it I'm sort of a detailed and fastidious person and I don't like to leave a place trashed

[05:38] Besides that I have dogs and I don't want airbnb people to gang up on us dog owners Then she says as much as I get more and more upset with the airbnb's i've been at They're also sort of a blessing for me because I travel frequently with two small dogs And using airbnb is about the only way I can travel with them No hotels would ever permit it. Keep up the great shows johnny signed Lynn All right, Lynn. Thanks for that. Just two comments here. Number one I can see why you do a thorough cleanup upon checkout with the dogs and all Because I can tell you if I was an airbnb owner and the client checked out leaving the place loaded with fur balls and dog smells I think i'd be looking to cause a big stink myself, but you're right I never thought about how convenient it is for people who are traveling with pets

[06:24] Though I have to tell you here in latin america most hotels and mom and pop bed and breakfast say they won't take pets The reality is most of them will negotiate If you show up with a dog and they say they don't take pets You shouldn't just say okay and walk away You should say how much extra for my dog The fact is they'll almost always quote you a figure and you can bargain from there I've heard dozens of stories like that Especially if it's a cat or a small dog and you've got a cage You offer an extra 20 bucks a night and that'll usually smooth out things just fine Of course that won't work if you've got a man eater Just saying Then there's this email from clara. She says johnny you're right Airbnb bookings are way down. My mother has a place across from the beach in fort latterdale Her prices are pretty nominal, but she's got ridiculous cleaning fees

[07:11] Airbnb owners keep jacking up those fees every year and add on additional costs, too Plus she says when people rent airbnbs, there are lots of problems with security Since most of them are not in residential towers or gated guarded communities where you have to check in And out your visitors, too It's always infinitely more secure to check in with a real live guard at the front desk But that's not the case with the majority of airbnbs Personally, she says I know all about the airbnb business because like I said, my mother has one But give me a good hotel in walking distance to everything any day You're right johnny. If you're getting into the airbnb business now, it's a losing proposition Covid washed a lot of owners out but not nearly enough The supply is still bigger than the demand and the demand keeps falling

[07:57] Then there's a ps here She says johnny some of those places look great on the website a great deal for a group of four For example until you start adding in all those extra fees 200 bucks for cleaning 150 service charge Come on Give me a nice safe centrally located clean hotel where the maid comes in cleans up and changes your sheets daily to me That's the only way to go. All right, then there's this email from harvey. He says johnny I've owned a rental cabin business in minnesota for about eight years now I also have a foot in the door in latin america I've been down to panama a number of times and was considering doing the airbnb thing there, too But i've nixed that idea Ever since in the last year or two observing a growing number of new persons buying cabins to rent out as airbnbs

[08:43] The little known secret is that most of them last just a little over a year and then quit and try to sell It's a very difficult business now bookings are down The market is being flooded and about those bad renters like most everything they follow pareto's law 20 of the people cause 80 of the problems I've seen it all carpet and furniture spills scratched countertops broken appliances water damage clogged toilets and drains Long-standing garbage when people don't own it. They just don't care It's that simple and as far as people living in a place who want to put it on airbnb when they're away You're, so right johnny You don't want to live in a place part-time and when you're not there rent it out as an airbnb You'll just cringe at the client abuse and the wear and tear on top of that

[09:29] There are some very picky people like my wife who won't sleep on a bed that other people She doesn't know have been sleeping on she even brings her own set of extra sheets and pillowcases when we travel More and more people seem to be doing that these days. It's not a bad idea. Anyhow i'm used to it All right harv thanks for that and just one comment about security and airbnb's Now I know I mentioned this quite a few years ago on the show I had a couple of boots on the ground examples of some people in columbia gringles and expats who rented airbnb's And had been robbed or scammed the problem is with an airbnb Dozens if not hundreds of people have been in and out of that place depends how long it's been on the market, right? And all of those guys and gals had access to keys and were able to copy them That goes for the maids and maintenance people too. They've all got copies

[10:17] Plus they know all the weak points the doors that are sloppy the windows that aren't quite secure Let's put it this way for every report I've got from people who say they've gotten robbed or ripped off in a hotel I've heard multiple reports of people being robbed ripped off or scammed at an airbnb Not that those things are common. They're not at all It's just with an airbnb you're putting a lot of faith in the owner and the neighborhood It's location location location plus you get what you pay for just like with this show Haha, but you knew that already, right? All right. Now another very interesting email from jeffrey. He says hi johnny. Hope all is well I was driving my daughter to school the other day. I was stopped at a light with my window rolled down A guy came running at me on the driver's side with his arm cocked back

[11:02] He's yelling something about the size of my vehicle I have a pretty big vehicle. So obviously this guy was a global warming warrior all pissed off about what I was driving By the way, he says this is quite common in boulder, colorado Anyway, I moved my car through the intersection to avoid getting hit Pulled the car over ran over to him and clocked him right in the face Now johnny, this is not something I'd normally do but the adrenaline and the frustration with this type of behavior Obviously has been building up in me My question is johnny if the same type of situation happened in someplace like guatemala city What would happen in the eyes of the law? Would both parties be arrested? Would the gringo be at an advantage or disadvantage? Anyway, thanks for your time. I was just curious if you had any experience with something like that

[11:50] signed jeffrey in boulder Well, jeff first of all, I have to say you deserve a medal for clocking the guy I'm sure being in boulder you encounter extreme wokester behavior all the time You can't beat him. Well, I guess you tried didn't you? The only solution of course is get the hell out of dodge Though as far as your question could that ever happen in guatemala? And if it did what would happen to the gringo? Well, first of all, if that ever happened to you, it wouldn't be a latino or latina calling you out It would be a woke gringo expat And you'd most certainly be on the gringo tourist trail because that's where they congregate They do find each other and join up in moronic fake book groups Often seen whining and texting away on their iphones made by chinese slave labor over six dollar frappuccinos at the local starbucks

[12:37] Yep, that's right. Starbucks has infiltrated latin america with the highest concentration of them, of course being on the gringo tourist trip Hmm ain't it the truth starbucks and wokesters they go together like bacon and eggs ketchup and mustard water and chocolate Peanut butter and jelly mac and cheese, but I digress as usual you get the point So anyway, jeff if you ever get into a fracas like that on a latin american street It won't be with a local latino because they're just not woke at all In fact, if you happen to be driving a big old late model suv You'll be the nb of the neighborhood because remember down here you're deep in the land of the gringo wannabes In fact, you know that little situation that encounter you just described to us If I was to sit down with the average latin american even the above average latin america and explain what had happened

[13:23] It not only wouldn't sink in they wouldn't understand at all what was going on. They'd think I was making it up They would really think i'm trying to tell them a stupid gringo joke that I translated and they'd be waiting for the punch line That would never come i'm not kidding It really is a beautiful thing to be living in a place that it's about 30 years behind all that woke fill in the blank Justice warrior lunacy But back to the question of what would really happen if a couple of gringos got into a punch out on a latin american street Probably nothing unless one of them wanted to press charges And if so, that means you'd both would probably be wasting a half a day at the police station You'd have to lawyer up and stick around the country at least six to eight months Because it just might take that long for you to get a court date Then you both would probably plead self-defense and it would be your word against his

[14:11] And if there were any witnesses willing to come forward at all and they probably wouldn't Good luck trying to shag them down six or eight months later when you finally do go to court That's why here in latin america people just do not like to sue You really have to be determined have a lot of stamina and lots of time on your hands to ever take anyone to court There just are no ambulance chasers down here with the exception of mexico It's kind of like the california of latin america every new trend good or bad always appears there first Why not it's joined at the hip to the us All right yank in the wheel here Let's get to an email that kind of hits home for me too and you'll see why This from long-time listener and long-distance friend commander flash gordo He entitles this little tome here quote in mild defense of off the gringo trail and off the cartel trail

[15:02] expat living in mexico He says ola johnny from two decade long listeners currently living in oaxaca state in southern mexico And here for almost seven years in this particular place He says my wife grudgingly listens to your info packed podcasts She says you're arrogant and overconfident To which I say it ain't bragging if you can do it She admits she always learns something useful though She can't deny your three decades of latin american experience and you're off the gringo tourist trail immersion into latin american society She says all that's got to be worth at least a donut and a cup of coffee Anyway, first off he says after seven years down here myself With episodes both on and off the gringo tourist trail and on and off the drug cartel trail

[15:52] Meanwhile every six months making a run to guadamila to get those all-important passport stamps for legal exit and entry I've had to do all that for years simply because I can't make the income requirement necessary to get temporary residency in mexico And coincidentally with a wife who refuses to go any further south of the border To greener pastures in places like guadamila. She loves it here in mexico and has made a lot of local friends Bottom line she's the boss and I get it However on the residency front I recently took advantage of a current bureaucratic fluke of a residency program called Regularization and got my temporary residency in mexico Turns out there is a global immigration loophole for so-called displaced migrants

[16:38] Due to in-country violence in their homelands and especially on account of that covid it plague that killed tens of billions of virtual people nyuk nyuk But seriously, there is a temporary residency loophole here in mexico that they said will be closed in 2023 So I took advantage apparently any ukrainian applying is getting residents here almost automatically And get this displaced australian journalist max egan got his instant residency by saying he was afraid to be vaccinated If he returned to australia So when asked that question myself I said I feel far safer here in mexico than the usa Due to a criminal federal government in the states that was probably going to let us get into a nuclear war with russia

[17:25] And guess what surprise surprise the very friendly immigration officer in mexico agreed with me So four hours later after submitting my paperwork at the local immigration office and with every one of my fingers crossed I walked out with my temporary residency card in hand that leads to permanent residency in four years And my wife will do the same in three more weeks when she applies for temporary residency though her reason for not wanting to leave mexico will be different than mine hers will be She just might encounter that toxic johnny mueller whilst getting her passport stamped in guadamal Mexican immigration just might buy that So johnny, that means our lot has been cast with mexico Despite agreeing with you that better options exist farther south So after eight years here in southern mexico far enough off the drug runner routes to be fairly safe

[18:16] We think it's a pretty good option Then he says i'd say the ohakan government basically shares some of the overall benefits of latin america in general The police presence is almost Unnoticeable in daily life the locals are extremely friendly and out here in the countryside The gringo advantage is still quite powerful alive and refreshing Then he's got a cautionary tale. He says johnny This state ohaka is renowned for great cuisine But as an aside I will share that I got nailed with a nasty somewhat antibiotic resistant strain of shigella a nasty gut bacteria Probably from an infected food preparation worker So i'm sadly permanently off fantastic tasting street food for good He says it seems i'm finally cured after three different powerful antibiotic courses including a month of drinking

[19:03] chlorine dioxide Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Just a second flash You mean you've been living south of the border for almost 10 years and you're just now swearing off street food, man flash That's like the number one or number two complaint from gringos and expats and tourists in latin america monosuma's revenge You gotta know every time you eat street food, no matter how good it tastes you're rolling the dice with old monosuma Where's that willpower flash, huh? I bet with all that street food you pound down You don't fit very well into that superhero suit anymore. Do you enough said about that? Anyway, he goes out to say johnny you often warn listeners about mexico and rightfully so For most of the country But if you choose wisely here and plan to locate well off the usual tourist runs mexico is doable

[19:49] With another possible prime choice site being chappas state Which borders guanamala and mostly well off the tourist runs and has more water than any other mexican state too And the people there have a history of resistance to the federal government. For example during the covidea thing Whole villages there cast a solid middle finger to the federal government and refused to even consider a local vaccination effort a very good sign Then he says lastly johnny i'm curious about your take on unruly street and compo dogs and how you deal with them Turns out country bicycle and joyriding is almost totally out here in my area due to the almost certainty You'll be chased by aggressive dogs I'm a dog lover He says I walk our three rescued dogs daily out into the countryside lanes and carry a stout walking stick

[20:36] And i've had to on a few different occasions smack a few dogs around I had to they were going after my dogs In fact, here's a story for you My friend christine came to the rescue of her dog while walking on a dirt path down the pacific coast Turns out two marauding pit bulls turned on her pulled her down in bitter stomach and ripped the skin on her scalp Luckily her husband came to her rescue, but stitches were required And listen to this when I first arrived in ohaka and was exploring some of the outlying bodyos of the capital city I came upon a pack of over 40 dogs They were quite menacing and I turned sideways to the pack leaders as you're supposed to do and slowly backed out of there I got out all right, but it could have been bad. Anyway, johnny any thoughts on a strategy for evil street dogs

[21:21] What i'm saying is if you live in the compo meaning the outskirts or the boonies Though the living is generally great There are certain things you have to put up with and get used to like the dogs Then he closes out by saying johnny. Thanks for all you contribute to us expats looking for the good life south of the border Seems like these days anywhere south of the border is freer with a lot more promise than the ussa He says while I love my fellow usa countrymen in the culture The federal government is clearly well off the rails and out of control. I don't want to be part of a dying empire My advice I would encourage anyone torn by indecision to get that plan b going be an expat Because that fence you're sitting on is rapidly turning into a razor blade. Time is running out for you He signs off by saying best wishes from me, but not my wife

[22:11] Signed commander flash gordo. Well, thanks for that rant commander flash a lot of good stuff there But somehow I don't think you're going to get that marvel movie deal Of course, it does depend on how you look in that spandex suit Now about that dog thing get a lot of emails about that though I have to tell you in all my time through guadamala panamidal solvador honduras, you know south of south of the border Sure, you've got street dogs, but you mostly seem in really crappy videos You almost never see them in business districts or nicer neighborhoods not in packs or groups Anyway, and even when they're in the body It was at least south of south of the border that is south of mexico when you're walking towards them They usually scatter they're not aggressive though. I have to tell you a couple of times have run into some cemetery dogs

[22:56] You know, there are dogs that hang around the cemetery and latinos You know, they love to visit cemeteries and the dogs there can be aggressive But let's talk about for a second dogs that really get on your nerves dogs That might be digging through your garbage because you're living out in the boonies and you know You've got a trash barrel outside maybe a place where you burn leaves and scrap and stuff. So they do like to come around Just a warning about the only time I see street dogs getting nasty is when you've got your dog with you Normally, they don't mess with humans Not that i've seen and i'm almost always south of south of the border Now very much related to this is the fact that I power walk almost every day for an hour or so And I always carry an umbrella not a full-size one. Those are too bulky and inconvenient I carry a mini or small telescoping umbrella And since i've been doing this for years now

[23:43] There have been a couple cases when I wish I had a billy club instead of an umbrella You know just something really hefty in your hand in case you really had to take a swing at something like a dog or A guy in the back of a motorcycle intent on getting your cell phone. That's why if you heard my show I think it was about eight months ago or so I told you that I bought a self-defense umbrella a mini telescoping one You know telescoping umbrellas are very convenient. They're 12 inches or less when they're collapsed So anyway, the normal ones that are halfway decent they're between 15 and 30 bucks They're light as a feather and not a defense against anything So when I saw there was a brand new type of self-defense umbrella telescoping umbrella, it was 250 bucks, but I thought hell it's really like an insurance policy. So I bought it now it looked Absolutely like a normal mini umbrella, but felt like a billy club in my hand man

[24:33] It felt good and it made you feel secure and confident But when you know it within three weeks, I lost it somewhere 250 bucks down the crapper Stupid move why didn't I know that was going to happen? I've lost many umbrellas before no big deal when your umbrella's worth 15 or 20 bucks when it's worth 250 man You want to cry that was a couple of months ago and all the while every day I've been walking and thinking Necessity is the mother of invention and suddenly I had an idea for a brand new kind of self-defense product Something that could turn any telescoping mini umbrella into a super effective self-defense umbrella So I drew it up and had some indigenous ladies make me a few prototypes What i'm saying is use your own umbrella. It's a sheath that goes over your umbrella So anyway when you're walking around and it's not raining

[25:20] It looks exactly like any other old folded up or collapsed mini umbrella Except there's something very special about it And nope, it's not made of any kind of metal. It's not heavy It's only something like three ounces your mini umbrella itself weighs five times as much There's nothing pointed or sharp about it either. I've made up a couple dozen of them I have some people out there testing them both men and women who do a lot of walking around And the people who have them now are giving me great reports They're telling me it gives them a sense of security and confidence. They never had before whilst walking around So anyway, i'll let you know when the thing gets on the market It'll probably take a few months yet i'm working out the suppliers for the secret ingredients by the way I've got a couple of indigenous ladies sewing and assembling these things jobs for the locals, right? Now remember what i'm telling you is this is an add-on for whatever umbrella collapsible or telescoping umbrella you want to use and it's virtually

[26:11] indistinguishable from the umbrella sheet that comes with every umbrella, you know Every one of them comes with a little fabric sleeve. You slip over it for when it's not in use, right? However, this is a brand new idea a different kind of sheet that slips right over your existing telescoping or mini umbrella By the way when it starts raining and you have to use your umbrella you have to take the thing off It folds down to a very small size and fits in any pocket Oh, and I guess you're wondering how does it stack up against that 250 dollar defense umbrella that I lost? This little add-on sheet that'll probably sell for 29 bucks is better more convenient more reliable and functional in all ways Than that 250 dollar job. Remember i'm the guy who walks around in latin america at least an hour a day And sometimes, you know when you see a few street dogs

[26:56] You need a little confidence booster and even if you never have to use it and you probably won't believe me once you've tried it I don't care what city state or country you live in you won't leave home without it Now i'm not trying to be a salesman here. I don't care who invented this thing I think every expat should have one of these and anyone who's basically out and about and walking around a lot Anyway, i'll let you know when these things become available Oh, and i'll tell you every lady i've shown this thing too and who's walked around with it a bit She wants one for her sisters her mother her grandmother every female in the family Oh, and you want to know the number one question I get from ladies. What colors does it come in? You've been listening to the expat files living in latin america If you need some help with your own plan b we can schedule a one-on-one phone or skype consult

[27:42] Just send me an email the expat files at gmail.com And if you want to get on the waiting list for my next week long expat insider seminar in central america Where you're guaranteed to get a two to five year head start on your plan b Send me an email the expat files at gmail.com