#1251 – The Expat Files: Navigating Life, Law, and Logistics in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came out to play and now as I wonder Hello there all you ex-pad wannabes. I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started You know, I get emails on all sorts of subjects People ask all kinds of questions They want to know about the crazy things that happen in Latin America and when they come down to visit Sometimes on their very first trip as tourists. There are certain things. They just don't get

[00:47] Things that just don't seem logical There are weird things Americans see that just can't be explained because they don't seem up where they come from But they seem down here all the time. Is it just a human quirk or a cultural thing? Well, you be the judge same thing happened to me same questions popped up in my mind when I first came down like for example One of the most common things that happens down here. That's kind of frightening for gringos and expats at least at first But you get used to it Well, maybe not Let's just say you get a thick skin and you can tolerate it a lot better than you're used to Back in the early days and I still get emails about this too. They say Johnny I rented a car. I was driving along and all of a sudden a police cruiser a police control Pulled up behind me and started flashing the red lights the cherries on top my natural reaction panic time to pull over

[01:38] That's what you got to do, right? In fact double panic because at least up in the states if I get pulled over by a cop He's speaking English and as much as I know how cops up in the states can be disagreeable and harsh At least I know they're not gonna plant any illegal substances on me because I've heard you know That cops down in Latin America will plant things on gringos to be able to extort money from so like I said in all the years I've been doing this show. I think it's 12 now I still get the occasional email pretty much like that first world people have an innate fear of cops Especially when the red lights are flashing right behind you Well, first of all, let me sit you straight on cops planting drugs on gringos and expats in all My years down here remember it's over 30 now and all the hundreds if not thousands of gringos and expats

[02:24] I've met who've been living and working and hanging down here. I have never actually heard that happen to anyone except in Mexico Mexico man, come on. Do we really need another reason not to have a plan B in Mexico? Anyway, I Just never heard of a cop planting drugs on a gringo or expat south of south of the border I'm not saying it never happened or doesn't happen It's just never happened anyone I know or even any friend of a friend of a friend that I know but the point is for cop pulls up Behind you and he's flashing the cherries and I mentioned this a while back in a previous show But I'm gonna repeat it now because I still get emails to that effect If that happens to you should you slow down and start pulling over? Well in a word

[03:09] No, the thing is even though I've been down here over a quarter century and I drive a lot When that happens to me and it just happened to me about two days ago, even though I know it's a false alarm It's nothing to do with me. It's just the way to do things down here. It still torques you up a little bit It's sort of unsettling though Not as unsettling as it is when it happens up in the first world because you know They're singling you out for something They're going after you in the first world that is when a police cruiser pulls up behind you starts flashing his lights You better pull over Whereas down here in Latin America when that happens and it will Don't pull over. You don't have to because guess what? 99 times out of 100. Let's make it 999 times out of a thousand He's got a different motivation all together. The cop probably has a hundred things on his mind, but you're not one of them

[03:58] He just doesn't want to get stuck in slow traffic or stop for stop signs Lots of times they're just going for lunch and don't want to be bothered in traffic Or maybe they're just on their way to a Latino version of a 7-eleven to pick up some bread milk and tortillas for mama Who just texted on WhatsApp? It's true. It happens all the time down here. You'll be driving along a cop We'll have the cherries flashing He'll weave through traffic run red lights and then you'll notice five or ten minutes later as you're driving on ahead yourself That same cop parked in the driveway of a restaurant or a hardware store In other words, they abuse that cop privilege all the time just to get where they want to go Faster than the normal traffic patterns will allow In fact, I've even had police cruisers behind me flashing the lights thinking I'm going too slow

[04:47] Kind of urging me to speed up. They'll hit the siren, you know Which normally up in the states for sure would mean pull over right now. Well, it doesn't mean that down here It means go faster or it could mean swerve a little into the next lane and let me pass Because i'm a cop and i've got things to do Now I must admit though. It's happened to be dozens and dozens of times and i've never been pulled over Well, i've been pulled over but not like that. Anyway, cops don't pull people over by flashing their lights and pulling up behind you Their preferred method of pulling people over is setting up a big roadblock and pulling cars over randomly where you maybe have a one chance 40 or 50 getting pulled over depends on the luck of the draw And even then you've got the gringo advantage if you roll your window down and just wave as they're trying to pull you over

[05:33] They'll just throw their hands up and say oh, it's a gringo. Let them pass That's happened to me and a lot of my gringo friends many many times That's just one way you long-term listeners have heard me say on the show There's another great way to get out of hassling with the cops Just start speaking english and say you don't ablo no spanish That works terrifically. Well when you're off the gringo tourist trail, that is 99 of the time they'll just throw their hands up in the air and wave you on however That little trick won't work very well on the gringo tourist trail because that's what the gringo tourist trail is All about lots of people speak in english and lots of locals speak in english too They learn it from all the gringos around by osmosis and the fact that if you speak english you get tips in american dollars So most locals know some english including the cops whereas off the gringo tourist trail

[06:22] Practically none of the locals speaks english well enough to communicate with you though They know there are 20 words and phrases like nice to meet you But that's about it The exception to that rule being call center folks and illegals from the states who've been recently deported speaking of call center people I don't know if you've been paying attention or maybe the news from mexico doesn't get up to the states much But just this week at least in the news down here It's been confirmed that the 45 bags of human remains that were found in mexico Specifically in guadalajara mexico were found to be parts of missing call center employees You got to wonder what the hell is that all about? In fact the first line in the report goes like this I'll translate human remains found in 45 bags discovered in the suburb of guadalajara mexico

[07:10] Belong to call center workers who went missing in may Then it says the seven workers who disappeared from the guadalajara Metropolitan area went missing sometime after may 20th Now reading on in this article you understand why maybe these guys got abducted and killed and shoved in bags It says initial investigation suggests the workers may have been involved in some type of real estate fraud through telephone extortion And here I thought it was because they kept people on hold too long Matter of fact, I always thought there should be a little button on everyone's phone that induces pain For useless call center workers who continuously put you on hold Oh, and you also should be able to induce pain when that shit song warbling in the background Drones on and on and on it drives you nuts. What do you think? Are you with me on that?

[08:00] But I digress anyway Then the article goes on to say mexico has been troubled by an epidemic of disappearances with more than a hundred thousand mexicans and migrants Still missing more than 1500 bagged and buried bodies have been found in jalisco since 2018 as well Oh, and this is amusing. It says in march after four americans were kidnapped in mexico resulting in the deaths of two of them mexican president andres lopez open the door argued that mexico is a much safer country than the us Hmm, maybe depends on which ghetto you live in I know there's some black neighborhoods in chicago if you're a white guy and walk in you'll never come out Funny how there's no white neighborhoods in chicago where if a black guy walked in he wouldn't come out Go figure in fact I remember having a discussion with my grandma on the phone when I first got down here to latin america over a quarter century ago

[08:51] She said johnny have you lost your mind? They kidnap americans for sport down there. She said i'm afraid for you We might never hear from you again She said promise me you'll check in with a phone call every week. Okay So we know you're alive to which I replied only the people I don't like will never hear from me again And that grandma I promise you will be on purpose And I said, you know what grandma you live in chicago If you're driving down division street and take a left instead of a right You know where i'm talking about you'll never come out again She said yes, but I know chicago. I know my way around I know where not to go Then I said I rest my case Back to this thing about latin cops and patrol cars flashing their cherries Now if there's one thing that really really pisses me off here in latin america is when patrol cops and motorcycle cops

[09:41] Escort scumbag politicians and diplomats around town They blocked traffic for the rest of us peons as if they were kings and queens of the realm You'd be surprised but you see a lot in big cities Especially capital cities like panama city or guatemala city san jose costa rica, etc, etc In fact in any capital city down here in latin america, especially in the business areas and where all the big government buildings are You cannot avoid entourages and caravans of political assholes who believe their mission Getting through town to whatever restaurant or watering hole they're going to is a more important mission than yours That just irks me to no end. In fact the reason why i'm bringing it up now because it happened to be yesterday I was stopped at a red light on a busy street

[10:29] And suddenly I hear some sirens A motorcycle cop pulls up right in front of my car turns on his cherries Wouldn't let me pass when the light turned green instead He and three other motorcycle cops with flashing cherries were blocking for an entourage of political Ass wipes all in big black chevrolet tajos and those big black tajos have cherries flashing in their grill lights You've seen that i'm sure a man I'll tell you when I see that kind of stuff It makes me sick pretending as if they actually had talent as if they were elvis or elon or arnold But I suppose it's the same everywhere people tell me it's 10 times worse in washington d.c Have you been graced by their presence up in the states? There you see the spot entitled shit for brains assholes With their police escorts and they're usually not just any police escort

[11:19] They're police in the nicest cars and motorcycle cops with the nicest most high powered motorcycles, too Not your regular motorcycles that the regular cops have they have special more fitted more decked out motorcycles The bigger and smellier the political shit for brains maggot the nicer the escort vehicles But here's the thing when you're moving along and you're not at an intersection You're just moving along in traffic on the interstate or whatever They'll come up from behind on you lights flashing Everyone else kind of sliding over and letting him through on ahead like you would a bambulance. Yep That's what we call them in chicago bambulances Anyway, if you're at an intersection You'll have to stop because i'll block your way But if you're passing along in traffic and it's free flowing you can fight back get a modicum of revenge You don't have to slow down. You don't have to pull over just keep on going. I do it all the time

[12:08] And you know It's usually a motorcycle cop with his lights flashing in the lead and when I don't slide over many a time The idiot cop on that motorcycle will hit his sirens warning me to move over and I don't What's he gonna do about it? Nothing because he's in that escort and can't leave After all, it's only a show or a way to show they're more important and privileged than we are, right? And man when you don't pull over and let them through do they get pissed I say Oh and most of the time when I do slide over a bit i'll roll the window down and give them the finger No, not the patrol cops or the motorcycle cops I'll wait till the big swinging dick in the big black ucon or tahoe slides on by with a dead black window So i'll give that car the hook though. It's true in aggravating situations like that

[12:56] You do have to choose your battles If the traffic's really slow and they're at a dead stop You don't want to antagonize them too much because they are traveling with room temperature iq bodyguards, too It's not worth tangling with a couple of neanderthals Though I have learned not to do any of that stuff when there are passengers in the car with me because they kind of freak out As xpadetti says and he's all in on it. It's a game best played when you're driving alone So anyway, if you're living in the big city, you will be confronted with that annoying crap Funny how people just put up with it. They give those abusive political dirt bags a pass Now as for me when I see that kind of stuff going down in the big city I remember the famous last words of xpadetti one day, you know I was fuming because we had to pull over for a political entourage then eddie shook his head said johnny

[13:44] You see that crap. That's exactly why I don't have a gun in the car All right, moving on. Let's take an email from mr. C. He says johnny Not sure if you've ever talked about air quality issues on previous shows In reference to other latin american countries or even downtown guatemala city versus the suburbs or the boonies He says as for walking around guatemala city, it's terrible with all the exhausts and the motorcycles blowing fumes He says as for me I bought one of those small air purifiers you recommended a while back. It's great It uses just one all in one filter a small discs that you just pop in You can see it works because the new filter looks so much wider than the old one when you change it All right, mr. C. Good question. Yep. You're right. All the major cities in latin america have terrible air pollution

[14:32] The worst though by all measures is mexico city because it's sitting in kind of a bowl It's so bad there. Sometimes they enact the every other day driving regulation depending on Your last number of the license plates whether it's even or not So unfortunately mexico city's got that problem all year round The other thing that's really hard to fathom is that mexico city has 20 million plus people living there That's hard for anyone's mind to grasp on top of that. The place has such water problems. It's running on empty By the way, you know what's a huge growth industry there water trucks Yep, when you're driving the streets, you see tankers all the time and it's not gasoline. They're all and it's water Turns out for 30 to 50 bucks if you're living in a high rise tower You can call up a tanker company

[15:18] They'll bring in a tank of water to fill up your system and that'll last a couple of days Until the municipal water or your well kicks in again. The question is why isn't that big news? Why isn't the media talking about that? Well, they certainly will as soon as it becomes more of an emergency Then again, everyone's on mañana time. So they'll be dealing with that tomorrow as for the rest of the big cities in latin. America They are getting cleaner little by little air pollution wise ever since the laws They passed a few years back prohibiting people from importing cars that are over 10 years old The idea being newer cars have better pollution control and catalytic converters Not only that nearly all the government owned bus companies the municipal buses Not the chicken buses which are privately owned by the way Anyway, the municipalities little by little are switching over to electric buses

[16:07] All that does help baby steps for sure But it does help and by the way for all the people that complain about the pollution in the big cities in latin america I bet all you boomers out there certainly remember when certain cities in the u.s Were so polluted your eyes burned and you couldn't see a half a mile in front of you Like for example in la in the 70s and 80s It took something like 30 even 40 years to enact strong enough regs And now the air in the big cities in the u.s is not exactly clean But it's by all measures immensely better than it was 50 years ago So again, the air quality in big cities in latin america is not good, but getting better. It's that lag time thing Oh and one thing to keep in mind during the rainy season in latin america air quality is so much better than the dry season because

[16:52] Those intense rains which come for an hour or two sometimes daily completely wash the pollutants out of the air So practically every day the air quality starts from ground zero again. I'm sure mr. C. You've noticed that One last thing about air quality, you know every day you see more and more electric cars down here tesla's Kia's volvos fords even chinese brands. In fact a couple of weeks ago. I was in an uber That was electric pretty interesting. It went fine, too You know, you can spot an electric car a mile away by the absence of a front grille You know a grille is just to get air flow past the radiator because internal combustion cars have a cooling system And they have to have airflow past the radiator as opposed to electric cars, which don't need that airflow through the front end That's why front ends on electric cars look so different no openings

[17:39] So obviously like everywhere else the more electric cars sold down here in latin america less air pollution Though let's not get into that discussion about power plants and the dirty air coming from coal fired jobs Somewhere along the line you have to produce the electricity for those electric cars And if it's coal fired or petroleum or natural gas you're going to get air pollution At least those dirty plants if they're coal or gas or diesel fired are a long way from the big cities By the way, did you ever wonder what happens to brake pads when they wear out or when tires wear out? Where do you think the brake linings and the rubber from the tires went in the water the air the land and you're breathing it Why isn't anyone writing about that kind of pollution? It's everywhere. It's not news because you can't smell it or see it Oh and then mr C mentions he likes his air purifier the same one. I have it's a hepa filter

[18:27] The thing is since most everyone has their windows and screens open in latin america There's only one place for that air filter in your bedroom That's the only place you want to have it especially if you've got air conditioning Which if you're in the altiplano is not a big deal because most people don't have air conditioning But anyway It's still a good idea if you're living in the city to have an air purifier in your bedroom If you're living in the countryside in the boonies, that's a different story. It's not necessary Speaking of air conditioners. I just saw a stat coming from the u.s Census bureau says that 91 percent of americans have an air conditioner or central air at home Which sort of makes me laugh because down here in latin america Where you've got 60 to 80 percent of the population making three to four hundred bucks a month The very definition of making it to middle class is to have at least an air conditioner in your bedroom

[19:16] In other words po folks do not have air conditioners and even if they did they couldn't afford the electricity Because as you've heard me say many times before Down here in latin america electricity is one of the only things that's a lot more expensive than it is up in the states But let me clarify that if you're living in the altiplano, you don't need air conditioning But according to census stats here in latin america only about four percent of people live in the altiplano The other 96 percent of the half billion people living down here are living in the lowlands the hotlands where air conditioning Really comes in handy. But again poor folks, you know people making less than 400 bucks a month They don't have air conditioners. They use a vanicos fans Which brings me back to that statistic where 91 percent of americans have air conditioning

[20:07] That means according to latin american standards. Anyway, there are practically no americans who are poor Not if you can afford to have an air conditioner because down here in latin america to have an air conditioner you are middle class or higher That's why it's so true when gringles and expats come down here and live for a while It takes them a while, but they have to readjust their definition of what it means to be poor Because poor people up in the states have food have housing have air conditioning have cars have cell phones and tv's and health care Have washing machines and dryers have electricity and water 24 hours a day Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, whereas poor people here in latin america And we're talking 50 to 80 of the population now. They don't have ac. They don't have cars

[20:53] They don't have dishwashers or closed dryers. They don't have food stamps or housing allowances And they don't have electricity or running water 24-7 So the definition of being poor in the united states that would be a family of four living on less than 26,500 a year that'd be middle class even upper middle class here in latin america So next time you talk about those poor people living a couple of neighborhoods away from you You ought to come on down here to latin america for a while and get some real boots on the ground You'll change your tune about the definition of poverty in a hurry. It's been said and it's true A poor person in the united states is better off has a cleaner nicer healthier and more comfortable life Than anyone alive in the 18th or 19th century including millionaires kings queens and presidents

[21:41] But I digress I do it all the time. Let's get back to mr. C's email He's got another comment. Remember in a recent show I was talking about carrion luggage and stowing your luggage and all that Well, mr. C asks he says johnny is it worth spending 200 bucks or so for a nice carry-on suitcase? Or is it better to get a 50 cheaper at walmart? He says i've utilized both wrapping methods too those guys who wrap your suitcase for 10 bucks and the packing tape approach Each seems great for security. Well, mr. C. Here's my two sent doubles on that subject I personally think the cheap old luggage is just fine Though you do get what you pay for and it's usually a little flimsy compared to the higher priced stuff like samsonite

[22:27] Which latinos call san sonite or another old stand by american tourists their luggage though. It's not really american It's made in china like everything else false advertising to be sure but these days everything is false Now it is true to a point the more you pay for luggage The rougher and tougher and the more it can handle getting knocked around And if you've ever seen those youtube videos on how baggage handlers toss your stuff around You'd wonder how a piece of luggage lasts as long as it does without splitting apart And of course if baggage handlers want to steal something out of your luggage They and anyone behind the scenes can surely do it There are easy ways to invert any luggage zipper In fact, there's a specific little metal tool you can use to zip it open without causing any damage That happened to me twice. First. They stole a swiss army knife. The second time they got a little fifty dollar jbl waterproof speaker

[23:20] So if you travel a lot you learn fast what you should and shouldn't put in your stowaway luggage Because you know, it does go through one or two x-ray machines So it's not like airport personnel don't know what you've gotten there So that's why long ago. I gave up on those luggage locks. They're useless Plus they have to have that little tsa seal of approval, which means they can get in any time They want and so can anyone else with half a brain though? I'm not saying here tsa guys have half a brain It usually takes two or more to add up to that Now as far as getting your luggage wrapped in plastic at the airport for something like 10 bucks Once in a while i'd get that done too, but not anymore For a while. I was carrying a clear roll of that plastic wrapping tape, man That stuff is strong and i'd wrap a few turns of that stuff around my luggage

[24:08] But I found especially on flights with layovers Sometimes they make you open it up in front of them. So the whole thing was for nothing Plus you can't travel in a cabin with a roll of tape So you have to somehow shove that tape into the luggage that you wrap which isn't easy Not after you've done a nice wrapping job. That is so anyway in the past year I've been doing something completely different. I ordered these luggage straps are called untethered luggage straps that's un t e t h e r e d They come in a pack of four from amazon for I think it's eight bucks And I put two of those straps on each piece of luggage that i'm having stowed one strap along the width and one strap along The length I adjust them as tight as I can get them

[24:53] They work like a charm and in all the times i've been using them And i've taken lots of flights with them my luggage and the straps have always come back intact They're nice because they have a quick release. So if tsa wants to get in they just hit the release clip Unzip it check it out and put the strap right back on with one click So basically the straps are for my piece of mind because in all the traveling i've done at airports I've seen many times a piece of luggage on the carousel or off to the side of the carousel It's popped open somewhere along the line and the zipper busted now. That's a mess But with those luggage straps i'm talking about I mean really eight bucks Even if it pops open somehow and the zipper breaks your luggage will remain intact and closed

[25:38] So for eight bucks, you got a long-term insurance policy for two pieces of stowed luggage Though as I mentioned in the previous show when i'm taking a trip, that's two weeks or less I won't stow a piece of luggage. I'll use just one carry-on in a shoulder bag or two All right closing it out. We've got this email from jc. He says hi johnny I heard one of your episodes where you mentioned you have restless leg syndrome I was going to email after the episode, but I was driving on a road trip. So I completely forgot Believe it or not. He says i've had the same thing for about 20 years I got on medication for it and damn it does help and allows me to sleep better at night. I currently take Hydrazine hydrochloride 25 milligrams. Thankfully, it's cheap right now about two dollars for three months treatment

[26:25] But i'd prefer not to take it. Of course. The question is have you come up with a better solution signed jc Well, thanks for that jc The thing is I didn't even know it was a thing or a syndrome till a couple years back when some doc wrote some articles and coined the phrase And for me, it only happens during the day while i'm awake at night. No problem. So I sleep fine I don't take anything for it don't need to for me. That would be massive overkill But I will tell you this I read an article about it not so long ago And the good news is and i'm sure you've heard this before If you do five or ten thousand steps a day, that is walking It's good for your heart circulation your muscles just about everything that ails you and according to some experts on this restless leg syndrome thing

[27:11] They're saying if you strapped a pedometer to your leg It would be like walking five or ten or even twenty thousand steps a day Hey, nothing wrong with that plus they're saying because constant leg motion uses up so many calories Very few people with that syndrome are obese or overweight So what's not to like about restless leg syndrome? I say bring it on You've been listening to the expat files living in latin america If you need some help with your own plan b we can schedule a one-on-one phone or skype consult Just send me an email the expat files at gmail.com And if you want to get on the waiting list for my next week-long expat insider seminar in central america Where you're guaranteed to get a two to five year head start on your plan b Send me an email the expat files at gmail.com