#1254 – The Expat Files: Love, Scams, and Regrets in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came up to play and now as I wonder Hello there all you expat wannabes. I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started All right. How about we start out with a gringo latina mating dating romance Encounter that did not go well In other words, this would be a cautionary tale of what can happen to you if you get on those latina Cupid mating dating sites in other words, don't let this happen to you now

[00:50] You're longtime listeners or heard me talk about my brother who has come down many times to Latin America to visit me He came down for stem cell treatments. You might remember. He has almost as many crazy continuing stories as expat Eddie I've called him the stem cell poster child because he was on 21 meds when he came down here and the stem cell docs Instantly knocked him back to 10 or less Before he even got the stem cells then they detox them and everything he got the stem cells had a miraculous Recover or I should say reversal of all the symptoms and problems. He had he became a new man But what I didn't mention or maybe I mentioned it just ever so slightly is that when he came down here He found a latina of his dreams now He'd been coming down here for over a couple of years Back and forth from Chicago a week two weeks a month at a time

[01:36] And of course, I always put him up and hung with him So anyway by hook and cook my latina girlfriend hooked him up with a girl that she pre-qualified You know and set him up on a blind date She was a beautiful young girl who worked every day in her mother's cafeteria She was so busy going to work and going to school that she didn't have a boyfriend now Of course, my brother was a single gringo guy had that gringo advantage going for him. All right, anyway You know how some ladies are they love to be matchmakers and my latina girlfriend was one of those so she hooked up my brother everything went really fine my brother even ended up renting an apartment and Moving her in getting her away from the clutches of her mother who sort of treated her like a slave you know, she worked in her mom's cafeteria and as you well know if you're working for family They almost never pay you the going rate and have a tendency to abuse you and make you work crazy long extra hours

[02:26] So anyway, my brother hit the jackpot with this girl She was the best thing for him at the time too because my brother's wife died young in an accident a couple of years earlier And my brother really needed someone to help get out of that funk Naturally when his wife died, he was feeling low and depressed, but now there was another lady in his life So he had something to live for something to look forward to that's why he made so many trips here to Latin America So anyway, my brother had a best friend up in Chicago. Let's call him Jimmy Jimmy had been married seven or eight years had two kids and as it turns out I only found this out later He was extremely jealous of my brother's relationship with his new latina girlfriend because Jimmy you see Was having big-time troubles with his gringo wife who he said

[03:12] Turned into a completely different person after she had the two kids He told my brother was like two people living separate lives in the same house He said his wife didn't want to be intimate with him anymore. She was treating him more like a brother than a husband She was a changed person. She didn't want to go out anymore have fun or at least not with him She go out with her girlfriends But the marriage was on the rocks odd thing was they were separated but living in the same house now I didn't know any of this because Jimmy is my brother's friend Of course, I knew the guy he was my brother's good friend since the high school year So I'd seen him off and on but he wasn't my hanging out or partying friend particularly Yeah, though, I'd see him at events and stuff and I get togethers with my brother, but we never hung anyway My brother brought this guy down to Latin America twice

[03:59] Just to show him what it was like and show him the ropes a little bit Since this guy this gringo said over and over again after meeting my brother's girlfriend that he wanted to get a latina girlfriend He said he and his wife had already agreed to get a divorce They just had to make the move and sign the papers So anyway when Jimmy came down here to Latin America with my brother I got to hear the whole story about his failing marriage and The take I got from him was that he didn't want to cheat on his wife He just wanted to get a divorce start a new life come down to Latin America Find a latina and bring her back up to the states and I told him what I tell everyone who's got that idea It's a big mistake It almost never works out if you're looking for a latina wife or latina girlfriend You got to stay down here with them, or you're just asking for trouble It's funny too when I give that kind of advice guys always agree with me. Yeah. Yeah, Johnny

[04:48] You're right, but they don't listen and I'll tell you one of the first things that came out of his mouth was Johnny I'm gonna get me a latina girlfriend and I said well Are you ready to have another family because latinas all want to have kids? You know are you ready for that and he looked at me and said I'll cross that bridge when I get to it then he said to me, but Johnny you have a latina girlfriend You've had latina girlfriends all the while you've lived down here, and you don't have any kids and I said oh So you noticed that huh well I can tell you one thing every latina I've ever been out with told me she wanted to have kids well You know sometimes it's just physically impossible for some people to have kids could be plumbing problems any number of things Then I said have you noticed neither I nor my two brothers has any kids and we're all over 50 years old

[05:34] He said yeah come to think of it It is sort of strange and neither of you guys is gay though these days that doesn't stop anyone from having kids though It's a little tougher He said right, but what's up with that three brothers? No kids? I said Jimmy you ever take a probability in the statistics course. He said no should I I said well that would explain it so anyway he expressed his interest more than a couple of times that he wanted to end up with a beautiful latina girl like My brother had and bring her back to the states which my brother did not do he was planning on moving down here permanently Anyway as for Jimmy after being down here a couple of weeks He went back to the states and that's at last I heard for about a year year and a half now about that time which was just a couple of months ago my brother Phoned me up and said you won't believe what happened to Jimmy well

[06:22] He was really serious about getting a latina girlfriend He went on one of those latina Cupid sites a Colombian Cupid site Started texting back and forth with a beautiful Colombian girl who spoke he said pretty good English and when her English failed They went to the translation apps He Jimmy by the way spoke just enough Spanish to order a Taco Bell He said she was a knockout way above his pay grade He'd never gone out with a girl that beautiful ever in the states That went on for a couple of months He sent her a little money here and there by Western Union all the while This was only going on through texts messages and on what's up They'd yet to see each other in person they were just exchanging texts and photos My brother said she would send Jimmy really sexy nude shots to mixed in with beach and pool shots and playing with the dog

[07:13] Now Jimmy was naive kind of like my brother He didn't know that that's usually a big red flag if you're looking for a nice stable relationship Good girls in Latin America don't send nude photos of themselves to guys. They've never met Then came another big red flag. It seemed about every week or even every couple of days Jimmy would start the conversation off house things going and she'd say well not too good or Something along those lines and he'd say why what's going on and she'd lay some kind of family problem on him That could only be solved with money. She or the family were always short on money for something Grandma needed new medication the air conditioning broke needed fixing her brother's cell phone got stolen Her mother fell down and had to go to the emergency room It seems like every other day there was a minor tragedy that needed an influx of funds

[08:01] Didn't take long for Jimmy to drop over 1500 bucks on her after about three months anyway, Jimmy wised up and cut her off completely just blocked her phone number Then within a day, he got another what's up message from a different number It was her again insulting and screaming at him saying why'd you cut me off? Etc. Etc. He wrote back something like find another gringo to finance your life Then he blocked that second number too and within a day. He got another call a different. What's up number This time it came from a guy claiming she was his girlfriend and accusing Jimmy of trying to steal her making Unfulfilled promises to her the guy demanded $2,000 from Jimmy and Jimmy thought this is bullshit and he blocked that number as well

[08:47] He thought hell they're 3,000 miles away from me What can they do nothing and if they're so hard up for dough? They could never possibly get any revenge you go and that costs money, too Well get this a day or two later Jimmy got an email at his trusty Gmail account Because remember he and that girl were talking for a couple of months and a lot was said including Jimmy giving her his email Telling her personal things like where he works and where he lived in Chicago Exchanging photos with her of him around the house and at events and at the beach things like that Anyway, he gets this email. It's got an attachment with all those pictures that Jimmy sent and pictures of the Colombian girl Many of her completely naked and in very compromising positions

[09:34] Along with some dick pics that weren't even his he said he'd never sent a dick pic My brother said Jimmy swears they weren't his dick pics. Who's to say though, huh? Now according to my brother while Jimmy was reading that email He had a terrible sinking sensation in his stomach and his heart He knew this was gonna be bad because then further down in the email There was a photo of the building he worked at and the names and emails of around six different people that worked at that company Including some of the big bosses. That's when Jimmy started freaking out He said to himself what an idiot I was to give out all that personal information and where I work What a dummy then it's easy enough to go to that website and go to the contact page and see a list of a lot of People who work there and their contact emails net nice and Jimmy said it was a big enough company to be posted on LinkedIn

[10:24] So all you have to do is go to LinkedIn plug in the company You can get a list of some of the big wigs and the principal employees and their emails and contact numbers too in the end It was an extortion letter. Oh And he said in that email there was an attachment that included all their what's up personal texts all that lovey-dovey sexy stuff And at the bottom the punchline if you don't send $2,000 to so-and-so particular person by Western Union All these photos etc etc are going off to your wife And then they named his wife and her email too as well as that list of people who worked with him And it said all this stuff will be posted on their Facebook and Instagram accounts, too Well Jimmy panicked called my brother my brother called me asked for advice. I Said Jimmy you pay those people 2,000 bucks. That'll never be the end of it

[11:12] It'll be another two grand in who knows six months two months Whatever if I was you and depending on your situation at work call their bluff and here's what I do But I know you won't do it because probably don't know how I'd get on that artificial intelligence site chat GPT I'd tell the AI program to compose a one-page letter a letter an FBI investigator might write while investigating an extortion scheme Have chat GPT worded exactly like an internal memo coming out of the FBI I'd put that girl's name down all the what's up contact numbers where she lived the Western Union contact where the money's supposed to go Make sure chat GPT puts all that in the letter with the official FBI Logo on it create a case number address and contact numbers chat GPT can do that

[11:57] You know find any piece of stationery with any kind of logo existing on the internet And you know it can compose any kind of official letter you want on any subject Whatever length you want and in whatever style you like However detailed you want it all of that in a thoroughly professional and convincing manner now again if it were me And I was in Jimmy's mess I'd have chat GPT Prepare that document in English and Spanish and fire it off to that girl if it's a girl and her extortion buddies You know if you're smart you do something like that You have a very good chance of scaring the hell out of those people call their bluff with a letter like that They just might disappear, but that's just me. That's what I would do am I devious or what either way though? Jimmy's in a tough spot all because he never met that girl in person. He doesn't even know if she's real

[12:45] That's the problem with these cupid sites a lot of those girls aren't even girls out there. They're just organized extortion rackets Oh, and I forgot to mention in one of those. What's up messages to Jimmy the so-called pissed off boyfriend Said in his text 2,000 bucks isn't anything for a gringo. It's pocket change. So what's the holdup obviously well obviously to me anyway Jimmy just had the bad luck of the draw because I'm sure there are lots of nice girls on those cupid sites real flesh-and-blood Girls not just scammers running a kind of extortion racket call center now while we're on this subject I might as well tell you my top two tips that weed out the good from the bad girls on these sites though again You might not want a good girl. You might want a bad one Takes all kinds huh tip number one

[13:31] She should be ready and willing to do a video call with you a live video call at any time not tomorrow Not next week if for example you're on the line and you say let's video conference And she says I can't right now because my camera is broken or my phone has a bad internet connection Well, I'll tell you that won't fly because there isn't a single woman down here that it does not have a good internet connection And there isn't a single woman down here who has a cell phone with a broken camera They have a broken camera. They get a new phone within hours the ladies down here live for taking photos and videos So those two excuses will never fly so if that happens to you block that number permanently. She's a scammer Tip number two be on the lookout for a text Conversation on your what's up or whatever that goes something like this

[14:17] I'm talking about within the first few days of hooking up on what's up you the guy will get on your what's up with Her and say how's it going? How you feeling in Spanish? That would be como estas total be in How you doing everything good That's the basic common opener for almost every what's up conversation between a man and a woman And if she does not say everything's okay I'm doing fine and instead comes out with something like well Not so good today, or there's a problem, or I'm feeling more or less mas amenos Well, I'll tell you what the average gringo says when he gets that kind of response. Is there something wrong? What's going on? How can I help? Now remember almost all these girls do not speak English very well So they'll be running it through a translator all these what's up apps now have a translator

[15:05] And you'll be running your English through a Spanish translator, too That just seems to be the way it goes my brother did the same thing so anyway the guy will say what's wrong? Something going on Tell me maybe I can help then she'll sink the hook that'll be the money shot Well grandma's in the hospital or my sister got her phone stolen or the electric bill we can't pay it this month Oh, and there's this big excuse that gets a gringo every time I don't have enough money to pay this semester's college tuition boo-hoo It seems that excuse gets to gringo every time because you're thinking what a diligent persevering woman She is going to college or night school what better cause could you contribute to so anyway after she states the problem? She'll say don't worry. I could handle it. I didn't want to bother you with my problems

[15:54] And then your savior complex kicks in you don't want to feel like a heel So you say something like if we're gonna have a relationship. We're gonna be a couple You have to tell me these things be honest with me The scammers know that's the way to tug on a gringo's heartstrings when a girl says I didn't want to tell you you're gonna say I'm here to help how much will it cost to fix grandma's teeth when she says 50 bucks or 80 bucks or 110 bucks that's no skin off your back every gringo could come up with that in a split second But just wait for a real scammer. She's only just test in the waters next thing It'll be that car that's been in the shop that she owes 1800 bucks on She might even say it's been there for months now unpaid She might give you a sob story saying it won't move without being repaired is taking up space in the mechanic is threatening to put

[16:40] It out on the street real creative those scammers are in fact my own brother well before he met this Latina in person He'd dropped thousands by Western Union and MoneyGram on ladies in the Philippines Puerto Rico even the states and twice Yes, twice He sent money to two different ladies at two different times to buy airplane tickets for them to meet up with him in Chicago He went to the airport. No show both times fool me once, huh? Talk about feeling like the biggest fool in the world walking around an airport for four hours looking for a girl That never got on the plane obviously just took the money and never bought a ticket So anyway, my brother's buddy Jimmy really got scammed Not only did he get scammed out of dough for two or three months getting nickeled and dimed to death through Western Union

[17:28] Then came the extortion bit. So then you might ask how'd that turn out? Well, we're not into the last chapter yet the balls in his court. I told him about the chat GPT thing I have my doubts he'll go that way because he's just an average guy and As you know if you've ever been on the chat GPT site, it's called open AI You know, there's kind of a learning curve and it helps to be a techie bottom line. I'm not gonna do it for him He's just my brother's friend. If it was my brother different story Bottom line when you get on those Cupid sites Latin Cupid Philippine Cupid Russian Cupid, whatever There are lots of scammers and extortionists out there The dumbest thing you could do is start sending all kinds of personal photos and personal debts And if you start sending dick pics, you deserve everything you get then again Jimmy swears. That wasn't his Johnson. My brother agrees

[18:19] It's probably not Jimmy's in the photo. My brother says the one in the pictures way too big Hmm a good joke maybe but for Jimmy a pretty serious matter really poor Jimmy He could do a real crash and burn on this Meanwhile, I've been doing kind of a straw poll amongst expats and gringos. I've run into down here I asked him a couple of simple canned questions. My favorite. What do you most regret? What are your biggest expat regrets? I mean about your old life when you live back in the States that said I'll list the top five or six answers here in no particular order Expats regret not taking Spanish in high school or college expats regret not having escaped the imploding USA earlier. Well, no big surprise there, huh? All right, the next one in no particular order once again expats regret not

[19:07] majoring in something in colleges that would really have led to a nice career I Get that all the time from expats and gringos who majored in things like psychology or theater or drama gender or african-american studies Education art history all of them nice hobbies in your spare time But as a career know not a way to make money not good money. Anyway, unless you're a genius at it You know expat Eddie's one of those he said in college. He majored in partying Actually business admin same thing All right The next expat regret in this straw poll is that people tell me all the time they should have traveled outside the country when they were Young not after they hit 60 very few gringos and expats can successfully hike climb mountains or volcanoes or eat street food

[19:55] When they're 60 next gringle expect regret not having removed Incompatible negative and annoying or even toxic people from their lives I call those people time vampires. In fact right now when I said those two words time vampire Somebody's face somebody, you know popped into your head or maybe two or three people popped into your head Alright another thing on the top list of expat and gringo regrets And this one's one of the easiest to say but one of the hardest to do People say they should have started putting some money away when they were really young So they could retire early and in comfort or not really retiring in the traditional sense sit on your ass and shut down Martini's kind of retirement I'm talking about quitting your main job and doing something you always really want to do in

[20:43] The next chapter of your life funny thing too I remember my mother and my uncles and my relative was saying save some money put 25% or 20% or 10% of what you make away every week great advice But I didn't know a single person who actually did that I couldn't either too much temptation to have money laying around I had a different kind of savings plan I bought silver and gold coins and I never cashed him in because I knew I would feel guilty if I did I like the way they look the way they felt that each and every one of them was a little piece of history with a Date on it. So as an adult that was way ahead of my buddies though Not my wealthier buddies whose parents had put money away for them or those who had Inheritances from their grandmothers and such but at least I knew with my little coin collection of Silver and gold as small as it was though. It did grow little by little

[21:32] I knew I'd never be dead broke like so many of my friends were a lot of times I didn't have gas money, but I always had some coins in reserve, but I never dipped into it I always felt good about not ever being completely dead broke if you know what I mean Alright moving on to more expat regrets Well, you've got two top health regrets that most expats have that they didn't exercise regularly and they ate crappy food junk food That is they regret they should have done but didn't exercise regularly and eat more natural foods They're referring to early on in life because you know when we're 20 or 30 We all think we're invincible right for my money most gringos and expats still eat like shit It doesn't matter what age they are. I see him at Pizza Hut McDonald's Wendy's all the time

[22:18] I don't eat there I peek in the windows when I'm walking by and every time as it seems I go to someone's house or there's a party They're ordering out pizza those delivery guys those uber eats guys and the others They're so busy poisoning people one crumb at a time But the thing is all my gringo and expat buddies know better by virtue of being expats and having a plan B They're more educated and knowledgeable than the average guy in every way But they just can't kick the junk food habit and the local Latinos man. They're a lost cause completely No use talking to them. They're nuts about junk food Every time they have extra cash, they're off to Pizza Hut But man, do you start paying for it when you hit around 50 or 60? I'm still seeing that the vast majority of gringos and expats are out of shape We all talk a good game about health diet exercise and all that but man even though there's over 50 gringo guys and gals

[23:08] Who look pretty good? They're skinny or appear to be pretty mobile a lot of them are taking 10 or 15 different pills a day Taking time bombs which goes to show you just can't tell only you know how screwed up your body is and only you know Your own personal history of screwing yourself up. There's one expat. I know he's ex FBI guy Yeah, you think I'd be keeping away from him, huh? And so whatever the other expat in fact I know to expat former FBI agents and both of them got the hell out of Dodge and kept their mouths shut They knew exactly that the walls of Jericho were tumbling down. Anyway, the guy I'm referring to is one of us Why do you think he got the hell out of Dodge and is living down here in Latin America? Actually, both those ex FBI guys are one of us. They both have told me at different times the systems rotten to the core

[23:54] They're so glad they're out of it. They ought to know Anyway, one of these former FBI guys in particular Mike. He's a skinny guy seems to have a lot of energy He told me he smoked cigarettes for 25 years a pack a day He quit just recently after being diagnosed with a slight case of emphysema He told me even those 35 years. He figured it out adjusted for inflation. He dropped around 50,000 bucks on cigarettes and what did he get for that 50 grand yellow fingertips and a slight case of emphysema But you know, he also said cigarettes are about half as cheap here in Latin America So it makes it that much harder to quit by the way just as an aside here I've been to lots and lots of all-inclusive resorts and every one of those big resorts has a huge gymnasium Almost all of them as big or better than a gold gym or other expensive membership gym

[24:44] You know, it always amazes me when I walk into a gym and I only do that when the weather's crappy cuz I'll usually power walk outside whatever There have been times when I've seen no one in that gym except me and some trainers sitting on his ass Glued to his smartphone because he's got no one to train up You know those big resort gyms always have a trainer or two The thing is too when you see someone in a gym, it's always some cut-up guy or girl someone who's exercising for a living almost It's either their hobby or their fitness nuts Nothing wrong with that I'm just saying you almost always see really fit people the few that are in those gyms In other words, no average Americans pumping up and I'm calling out average Americans for a reason because at those big all-inclusive resorts I'd say about 90% of the people there are Americans

[25:31] You know flying into a resort town Playa del Carmen Tulum Cancun Punta Cana Panama City So those big all-inclusive resorts are filled with Americans out of shape Americans who have all the time in the world because they're on vacation But they don't go to the gym and they are spectacular gyms, too Same thing goes for those cruise ships. Have you done that? I've taken a few and they've got spectacular Gymnasiums too that are virtually empty and when a few people do trickle in they're usually cut up and in great shape You know the addicted gym rats people who love to exercise. It's just an odd observation at resorts and on cruise ships They've got fantastic gyms that no one uses except generally the very very fit yet The women all show up for the yoga and dance classes, but the guys they're out of shape boyfriends and husbands stay far far away

[26:22] From that stuff. They're all hanging close to the buffet or the bar So there you have it. Just a cynical observation from a frequent traveler. Oh Just one last thing on that list of expat regrets when I pop that question I hear from quite a few expats that they really wish that he used that magic word no and no More often in their lives and when they did say no, especially to their kids They wish they'd have said it more firmly and more often Funny thing I've been hearing lots of expat regrets regarding being too lenient with their kids Giving too much letting them have too much and letting them get away with too much I guess that's why so many of the over 50 crowd who own businesses Complain about the quality of the help these days

[27:08] It seems they'd much rather hire a middle-aged person than a young adult Because they know the middle-aged guy is probably gonna have a much better work ethic. Hmm. How'd that happen? Couldn't have anything to do with parents trying to be buddies or friends with their kids Instead of instilling a bit of discipline and responsibility in them. I understand. I understand you discipline them and take away the car keys You'll hurt their feelings You've been listening to the expat files living in Latin America If you need some help with your own plan B We can schedule a one-on-one phone or Skype consult Just send me an email the expat files at gmail.com And if you want to get on the waiting list for my next week-long expat insider seminar in Central America Where you're guaranteed to get a two to five year head start on your plan B

[27:56] Send me an email the expat files at gmail.com