#1322 – Episode 1322: Health, Car Theft, and Expat Life in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came out to play and now as I wonder Hello there all you ex-pad wannabes. I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started Alright lots of emails to get to today. But first You might remember a few shows ago. I reported that my lifelong plague of migraine headaches has somehow disappeared Completely in the last four or five years. I've got no explanation for it either

[00:48] Could it be change in altitude climate humidity food voodoo? Who knows and wouldn't you know it since I did that show about the unexplained medical effects that happened to me Emails have been trickling in from gringos and expats who've been living down here in Latin America different countries Reporting on how their own personal physical maladies have been cured or have lessened up considerably since they too had moved out to Latin America So then what's it due to? Well, certainly the climate's better and the food much more natural and organic and there's manana time Which might drive you nuts at first, but soon enough you get used to it And well when you finally decide to go with the flow and not fuck the manana Trent You will find your stress levels will drop precipitously and you know stress is a killer

[01:34] Then again, many of us gringos and expats have a road rage gene, which never seems to diminish In fact gets worse when you're down here in Latin America. I can attest to that. All I can say is good thing I'm not toting a gun in my glove compartment Anyway, now one of the things I keep hearing repeatedly from gringos and expats who've been down here a while Is that they no longer get coal sores? Otherwise known up where I come from as canker sores Some people are absolutely plagued with those things up in the states way back when when I lived in the states I'd get them once in a while and my family members and friends, too Funny thing too the farther you live northward the closer you are to the North Pole the more Coal sores that is canker sores will affect you I remember they'd usually pop up every winter But somehow I haven't had a single one in 30 plus years of living down here and that's a relief

[02:22] They'd sure let you know they were there if you ate anything tart or acidic when I lived up north I'd get two or three a year, but now none nor am I hearing that from any of my gringo friends So that's one more advantage to living down here in Latin America though a small advantage a minor one But you know if you're plagued with canker sores, you know what a pain in the ass those things could be So then how and why does that happen? Maybe it's the temperate tropical climate. Who knows? Of course, that wouldn't mean it would have the same effect on people living in Florida though I don't know if that's true, but it does make you wonder Anyway, just chuck that one up to the plus side for living down here in Latin America. No more colder canker sores Oh and one more thing about those pesky things if you've got them You've probably done some investigation and realize it's part of the herpes simplex virus

[03:11] Related to the chicken pox virus and once you've got that virus you can really never get rid of it at least dormant in some of your nerve tracks and Breaks out into one of those nasty little sores if there's trauma Let's say you bite your cheek or your stress levels reach a certain peak Which in itself would tend to at least partially explain why people down here in Latin America? Don't get those sores because the stress is naturally lower, especially if you fully buy into the manana time thing So there's a little minor bit of good news for you. Just saying Alright, let's try to get to some of this email pile. Try to clean it up a bit This one's from Aaron in Trenton, New Jersey. He says Johnny it hit me hard when you Spoke in a previous show about how cars get stolen

[03:57] Being that I had my car stolen a few months ago here in New Jersey Yeah, I had one of those keyless fobbed and somebody cloned it stole my car right out in front of me, too Right in my driveway needless to say after it got stolen. I did a lot of research to figure out How to prevent it happening once again personally he says I'd rather pay extra just to go back to a regular old key system Whose big idea was it to go electronic get rid of keys? That was a stupid move until I got my car stolen Johnny I didn't know anything about relays and repeaters that thieves used to intercept signals from keyless fobs But I read up on it and there doesn't seem to be anything really secure about it seems we traded Convenience for insecurity who knew practically anyone could buy those interceptors on the internet for a hundred bucks or so

[04:45] Who knew that criminals working in Paris could wander on to your driveway at night? Walk up close to your house holding a box with a little aerial a little antenna like the one on your car Picking up that faint little signal emitted by your car key fob Indoors sitting on your kitchen table or hanging on a keychain in your hall who knew those things are constantly emitting a signal That can be picked up and cloned by any thief who saw how to do it on YouTube He says as for me I always had my key fob in the pocket of my jacket hanging on the hook in the hallway Who knew that thing was constantly blasting out a signal that anyone could pick up outside the house if they had the right equipment With this method though, it takes two to steal your car One guy picks up the signal next to your house then repeats this signal at full blast at the second thief

[05:33] Who's holding a related device next to the car? Seconds later, there's a click your doors unlock to hit the button and they're gone They've got a new set of wheels your wheels So then did I ever get my car back? Nope got the insurance payout though minus $1,500 deductible that hurt. I'll tell you Johnny with all the grief it put me through I'll think twice before I ever buy a Lexus again signed Aaron from New Jersey Alright Aaron. Thanks for that. Sorry it had to happen to you though And you know Aaron you got a point there once you get your car stolen I'm sure most people are gunshot you're buying the same brand and model again Even though it's sort of illogical, but it's human nature I guess just like if you had a TV or refrigerator that died before its time I'm sure you wouldn't buy the same brand again. Most people wouldn't anyway

[06:20] But you know when I get emails and hear stories like that it makes me thankful I live down here in Latin America because the fact that lag time exists in practically everything and the population is A lot less technically sophisticated That means a lot of the scams and the techniques that thieves use up in the states Take a long long time before they ever end up landing here in Latin America in any meaningful way And of course when they do the first place they always land is Mexico for obvious reasons that means that scringles and expats have lots of advanced warning a big heads up So as not to get caught with our pants down But some gringles and expats don't mind walking around with their pants down Oftentimes it ain't pretty either Alright moving on, you know last emailer said he had this Lexus stolen now down here in Latin America

[07:07] You do occasionally see people driving a Lexus Which is really just a very high-end Toyota. You know that right? Hey I got nothing against driving a Lexus at all they're great cars, but I'd never have one down here in Latin America because everybody knows a person that can afford a Lexus is a high roller or at least tries to put on the dog like he's a high roller which makes him a target for thieves and no goodniks which is exactly what you Don't want to appear as when living down here in Latin America. You just want to blend in with the crowd. I Of course, I know quite a few gringles and expats living down here who just can't get that extravagant living thing out of their systems

[07:53] They've just got to have that Lexus that Range Rover that mini Cooper They're just so used to putting on the dog as part of their lifestyle Which brings us to this email from Tommy in California. He says Johnny. I have a friend who's a multi-millionaire He's a hundred percent self-made. He owns an oil rigging and consultation business He drives an old Ford Crown Victoria. He has a work truck, too But it's not some jacked up Dodge Ram with flames and pipes. In other words. He doesn't have a parking lot princess Just a decent utility pickup truck. Wait a minute. Wait a minute me Johnny here. Did he say parking lot princess? I never heard that term before did you? Though it does in my mind conjure up an image of an upscale blinged out lady

[08:39] Maybe a rich country lady. Her husband might be a wealthy rancher or something in a really expensive tricked out pickup truck I've seen a few ladies like that out in the boonies in, Illinois back in the day Oh and in the parking lot of WrestleMania matches But I digress where we oh, yeah talking about Americans putting on the dog Meanwhile, he says most of my other friends are driving around in luxury cars and giant SUVs and barely making payments They've maxed out their credit cards and are refinancing their homes over and over again, too And a few really rich people I know have a different kind of lifestyle. I know they're saving their money when their kids turn 16 They buy him a car, but it's not a Lexus or a Mini Cooper. They buy him a Chevy or a Ford or a Kia

[09:25] Then he says in my neighborhood. It's a slightly upscale neighborhood There are a few Latino families who I know are completely maxed out too when you drive through my neighborhood It looks like all the folks here are nothing but success stories But really four out of five of them have finances that are hanging by a thread and I for one don't want to be here When it all comes crashing down as for me, it took me a while, but I'm finally out of debt Except he says for my big-ass mortgage the house goes up for sale next month and with any luck after the mortgage is paid Out I'll walk away with around 250 grand. I'm moving to Latin America Johnny I'm 55 and I hope 250 G's last me long enough to collect my pension and Social Security when I hit 62 So Johnny, that's my nest egg

[10:12] That's what I got to show for 55 years of living on my treadmill here in California Oh, and did I mention I've had a heart attack and six heart stents funny thing too if you would have driven by my house a few years ago and saw the junk I had all the cars and The gazebo the swimming pool the manicured yard the gardener clip in the rose bushes You'd have thought I was one of the guys that made it sitting on top of the world Seems like a joke though when you do the numbers most people living in this neighborhood say they can barely survive on 200 or 250 a year In reality everyone's losing ground more so each year and it's scary to think about and me I'm taking my 250 G's and moving south of the border My question is Johnny. How long will that last me and the wife?

[10:59] I'm 55 and only have to hold out till I'm 62 then the pension and Social Security kicks in What do you think Johnny? I'm keeping my fingers crossed all the best Johnny signed Tommy V Well, Tommy first off. I think you're doing the right thing Liquidating what you can get in hell out of debt now Tommy according to you You've got seven years until the pension and Social Security kick in right and you got to make 250 G's last Keep you afloat during that time Now I assume you don't have any other source of income that you're not gonna start up a business. Maybe it will maybe you won't Let's assume not Let's divide seven years into two hundred fifty thousand. It gives you slightly over thirty grand a year to play with So you're wondering if you and the wife can survive on a little over thirty grand a year

[11:46] Well take this into account the average Latin American family of four makes between three and five hundred dollars a month They can pull it off, but it's true. You don't want to live like the average Latin American. It's a precarious life I've seen it. Here's a different perspective. I know a guy who's the manager of a Costco down here. They're called price mark There's two shifts and he's the night manager the big wick the guy with the highest position in the company He's got something like 25 people working under Tommy the guy makes $1,200 a month. He's got a decent car a nice little apartment all the Costco workers in my room They'd love to have his job in Latin America if you make over a thousand bucks a month You're considered upper middle class and he's making 1,200 a month

[12:32] Of course that kind of to open the states and you're living under a bridge in a cardboard box poor But down here, we're talking about a different kind of culture and different kind of economics all together Oh and Tommy even MD's lawyers and dentists don't make 30 grand a year or more Unless they've got some kind of special niche or specialty cater exclusively to gringo or European clients Like some of these plastic surgeons do now, of course If you end up living on the gringo tourist trail Costa Rica Cancun lots of places in Mexico, etc 30 grand is not going to go near as far as it will when you're off the gringo tourist trail Let's take a nice two-bedroom apartment. For example in a Residential tower or a gated guarded community When you're talking about a place like that on the gringo tourist trail in a nice area. You're talking about maybe

[13:22] 900 a thousand maybe twelve hundred dollars a month off the gringo tourist trail However in a nice residential area, it would be easy to find a place like that for half that amount By the way, you have to know that US franchises and chain stores are popping up all over Latin America You know, there's cost goes everywhere. There's Walmart's everywhere Walmart, you know is Latin America's biggest employer. They're number one employer I believe they've got something like four thousand stores throughout Latin America now And the fact can't have escaped you that inflation has really taken off since this Covid it thing and where it's hit the hardest food Of course people are saying worldwide now that food has doubled even tripled in the last three or four years Well, the thing is down here in Latin America If you shop at Costco or Walmart or any of the US franchise places like Starbucks, etc

[14:13] You will experience the same pathetic inflation numbers that you're experiencing up in the states However, if you frequent those big gigantic food and produce markets, there was open-air ones every neighborhood has one You will still experience some of that inflation, but still nowhere near the prices You'll find at Costco and Walmart not to mention in those big markets of produce is always so much pressure Yeah, I hate to say it and I hate to see it But those covid lockdowns and the absolutely unprecedented massive printing of US dollars has caused a massive wave of inflation Throughout the world in Latin America is feeling it too many countries in Latin America use the US dollar Isn't it funny that practically all the ills of society can be traced back to governments and the worst culprit of all

[14:59] The US government, of course, nothing but useless shit for brain slugs and parasites and it's a growth business, too In fact, it's growing like cancer. Oh, but there's one or two things They're extremely good at nepotism lying stealing and lining in their own pockets And still people are under the illusion that their vote actually counts. They believe if they get the right guy in he'll fix everything Hey, if that's what keeps you sane keeps you from blowing your brains out go for it But remember you get the government you deserve you voted in the assholes that broke the system So don't whine. You can't fix it The only thing left to do is vote with your feet If not, just shut up and make sure you're holding on tight to the edge of the toilet rim or get a plan B And get the hell out of that's just as soon as you can

[15:46] What are you waiting for? At least get one foot in Latin America and keep one in the States if you want that way You've always got an escape hatch and a network to lean on You can be that guy who hears of a hurricane coming you race to the grocery store and fight it out with everybody For what's left on the shelves or you could be that one or two percent of people who don't like what they see coming But we're absolutely prepared well in advance So as not to experience any kinks in their lifestyle, you want to be that guy, right? So get a plan B and get the hell out of dodge or quit whining and shut up Alright taking another email now This one's from Bob. He sends a photo at first. I thought it was a trick photo some Photoshop But no, it's a real product

[16:34] For sale available to everyone. He says Johnny. I've got for you a Latin American driving necessity Look at the photo, please It looks like your standard high-end battery-powered drill at first glance and from a distance that's exactly what it looks like in this case, it's a DeWalt a Brand you do it yourselfers out there know as a high-end brand You can't get any kind of DeWalt saw or drill for under a hundred bucks Anyway, the description on this item is not DeWalt drill. It says DeWalt battery-operated train horn that's trained T-R-A-I-N horn and Bob sent me this thing to prove that there are lots and lots of Pissed-off gringos and expats out there living in Latin America who like me hate and despise Latin American drivers so much

[17:22] That they want to exact their little piece of revenge When having a close encounter with one of those shit for brains Latin American drivers on highway that's exactly what this DeWalt tool does it exacts a certain kind of revenge as Rob writes in his description of this thing. He says it's a bit pricey But talk about clearing a path on a snarled Mexican or Latin American road Just laden with impatient knuckleheads the perfect antidote to knuckle dragon Latino road morons This portable train horn is just the trick He says I'd love to roll down my window and laid down on this baby in the face of some Retarded dumbass driver and you know after Bob sent me this I thought is this for real? I'm gonna look this up and I went on the internet and guess what?

[18:09] There's a wide variety of these things not just DeWalt other high-end tool brands make them, too Obviously, there's a demand Makita Ryobi Milwaukee tools They all make a similar device, but like Bob says they are pretty expensive around 200 bucks But just like any electric drill they've got that rechargeable lithium-ion battery So you might never run out of juice to exact your revenge, especially if you've got a spare battery Anyway, I looked at the page where they sell these things and I probably looked at it way too long seriously, and I mean seriously thinking about buying one of these things and If you read the reviews you'll find they actually are as loud have as high a decibel rating as train horns You know what a train horn sounds like beats a high-powered compressed air driven truck horn any day if you're close enough

[19:01] It's not only quite deafening. It could be quite painful. In other words. It's just what the road rage revenge doctor ordered Certain to rattle a brain of an idiot even a microcephalic P brain idiot yet upon inspection No real physical damage done still don't try it at home By the way If any of you guys and gals out there want to know more details and see a photo this thing send me an email the Expect files at gmail.com So I'm thinking for the guy who's got everything it's the perfect gift Hmm time to send a letter to the North Pole dear Santa in any event will keep you posted Alright moving on You know it wouldn't be fair dipping into the email grab bag here if we didn't select at least one email having to do with sex

[19:48] Love romance mating and dating here in Latin America. Oh What a popular topic Why is it that I get way more than my fair share of sex love and romance emails? Well, let me start by saying yes, it's true after running into so many gringos and expats who've had Latina girlfriends I guess you could say I'm somewhat of an intra-cultural Romantic relations expert in any event. I've heard tons and tons of stories One of the main observations I have about those guys is that they set the bar way too low Turns out almost every last one of them is a sucker for a pretty face In fact, I had that very conversation just the other day with ex-corrupt Boston cop Bob Who's in the very process of trying to break up with his beautiful Latina girlfriend of five years?

[20:36] By the way, she's 34 and he's 59. I said Bob. What's wrong? What's happening with you two? He said well, you know, the sex is great She's caring. She's affectionate. She's loyal. She's a great cook and housekeeper But Johnny he says we just got nothing to talk about thinking back on it He said he doesn't remember ever having a good long decent in-depth conversation with her Oh and she speaks no English and Bob speaks pretty good Spanish That's what happens when you have a living Latina girlfriend who does not speak English Yeah, pick up your Spanish pretty damn fast in some ways I think that's the best way for a green gringo or gringa to learn their Spanish Turns out every gringo guy and gal I know hooked up with a Spanish boyfriend or girlfriend who spoke no English in no time Well a matter of months even if the gringo or gringa is a language dunce like me in no time. We're bilingual

[21:28] Anyway, Bob was telling me how he was trying to think of a way to break up with his girlfriend She's a wonderful girl. He said but she knows nothing about politics. Nothing about economics Nothing about current events or history nothing about science. It doesn't want to know Of course, he said she's addicted to social media But then again Bob's kind of addicted to it, too Though I haven't called him out on it yet I noticed that I'll be sitting down with him. Let's say for an hour having a cup of coffee or whatever He'll be looking at and punching away on that phone five or even ten times during that hour So then what about me? Well when I'm out and about I don't even take my phone with me That's one of the more disappointing things I've noticed about lots of gringos and expats even older gringos and expats baby boomers Who should know better they're becoming addicted to social media just like the young folks are so anyway Bob was complaining about his girlfriend

[22:16] He said she doesn't read anything. She's got no hobbies except tiktok worse yet He says she knows I always maintain a gym membership and go three or four times a week Believe it or not Johnny just in the last year. He said she's starting to gain some weight and I said look go to the gym I'll pay for your membership. I can't get her to go and she even questions me. She says what's it about the gym? You like so much? He said she's even expressing jealousy about it as if I'm going to the gym to look at the girls I keep telling her it's one of my hobbies. I'm a gym rat. She doesn't get it on top of that He says she loves sweets and junk food He's thinking she can only get bigger and bigger as time goes on She knows zero about nutrition and doesn't want to learn So he asked my advice and I told him what I'm telling you guys right now when you get down here to Latin America Try not to hook up or fall in love with the first pretty face. You see there are lots of pretty faces down here

[23:07] Latinas like gringo, so you got that gringo advantage going for you problem Is if you don't have some common ground more than just physically you'll end up with the same dilemma Bob has sitting on the sofa at night with your girlfriend looking at Netflix or scrolling through your phone and not much else going on And you know as for me being down here a long long time having a few Latina girlfriends Maybe more than a few and going through that problem somewhat myself in my early days I have personally found a good test for a prospective girlfriend is to ask her What was the last book you read? How long ago did you read it? And why did you read it? Did you read it because you were assigned it at school or because you actually wanted to read a book and man? I'll tell you that little group of questions really separates the men from the boys And you know if the girl doesn't answer or gives you a funny look you could say books

[23:54] Have you read any books you've heard of books before haven't you they're like tic-tac for smart people and if she laughs Maybe she is a keeper from what I can see one of the main reasons Gringos and expats fall for a pretty face is from our experiences with dating women up in the States Since most of us are dead average-looking. We most certainly did not have our choice of beauty queens So statistically we went out with average-looking girls That was what we could get what the mating pool in our own market value in the mating and dating game had to offer In fact, I remember what my dad once told me he said regarding mating and dating Johnny You know finding the right girl if you're an ugly guy Let's say if you set your bar high if you're looking for beauty and smarts if you're ugly and short

[24:41] Let's say you'd better be amusing and funny then he said if you're ugly and not funny you better have money Hmm. Thanks dad You're a big help and you know being that I had a lot of nerd friends when I was living up in the States A lot of them had very low bars because they just couldn't get a woman You know, it's tough for a young nerd just starting out in life to find a girlfriend a nerd who hasn't made his millions yet Funny how that works, huh? In fact, I remember asking one of my nerd friends up in the States I won't tell you his name. I said, what are you looking for in a woman? He said a heartbeat and two arms and legs would be a good start and you know He wasn't joking and where is he now? I don't know But I'm sure he's made his millions and after that a woman found him cleaned him up and got him to floss Even more sad is the fact that when men and women get older and they get back into the dating game

[25:31] They lower their bar even further Because well, we don't get any better looking and we have a lot more baggage as we get older, right? And man, that's where your gringo advantage really shines You come down to Latin America and you can forget about all that you don't have to lower your standards down here You could set the bar as high as you want no matter how old or decrepit you are Unfortunately a lot of gringos most all gringos in fact like Bob don't have the confidence to do that That's why it's so common to see gringos and expats fall for the very first pretty face that shows any interest in them The guy can't believe his lucky figures He's won the lottery since he never once had any interest from a girl with such a pretty face before when he was back in The mating and dating game up in the States and then a few years later just like in the case of Bob

[26:18] Little by little I hear complaints from my gringo friends like a broken record good mother good housewife good sex No hobbies not all that motivated. So we've got nothing to talk about then again I've heard the same story from many fresh green gringos look Johnny. They'll say I'm coming off a bad divorce or two I don't want to go through that crap again. I'm just looking for a nice uncomplicated un-neurotic loving lady to take care of me and When I hear that that's the moment. I know the guy has lowered his bar considerably because I'll tell you there's millions of nice Uncomplicated un-neurotic Latina ladies down here that will be loyal to you Love you and take care of you But unfortunately you won't be able to have much of a conversation with them not about worldly events or politics or economics or science

[27:06] or history Yeah, I have to face the fact There's a huge cohort of Latinos and Latinos that just don't give a shit about any of that They live for the moment. They live for the day sure. They're good housewives and good mothers That's a good thing a really good thing But the only hobbies they have our social media fashion and tick tock so my advice Gringos and gringas when you first get down here set that bar high and don't worry about setting it too high Remember, you've got that gringo advantage going for you You've been listening to the expat files living in Latin America If you need some help with your own plan B We can schedule a one-on-one phone or Skype consult Just send me an email the expat files at gmail.com And if you want to get on the waiting list for my next week long expat insider seminar in Central America

[27:52] Where you're guaranteed to get a two to five year head start on your plan B Send me an email the expat files at gmail.com