#1368 – The Expat Files: Navigating Family Emergencies, Gringo Culture, and Hidden Challenges in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came up to play and now as I wonder Hello there all you ex-pad wannabes. I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started One thing many people are concerned about when contemplating a plan B, you know gonna be some wannabes They worry about the old folks back home, you know their parents grandparents Because you know once you get the hell out of Dodge and you're a couple of thousand miles away from the folks back home

[00:48] You know inevitably things are gonna happen. There are gonna be emergencies medical emergencies family problems and disturbances All the usual crisis events human beings have and have to deal with and when you're a couple of thousand miles away Even with your smartphone in hand. Sometimes you're the last to know Then again, there's that old saying no news is good news, right? The corollary to that is that practically every text message and phone call you get after midnight is Likely to be an emergency Potentially so anyway more than any messages you get during the regular hours Unless of course you've got someone in the family like my brother Who's just as likely to phone me up or text message me at 4 in the afternoon as he is at 4 in the morning

[01:35] Do you have a friend or relative like that? It can be pretty annoying and bad for your sleep habits and I'm not one to be addicted to my phone anyway So when I finally turn in at night, I take my phone put it on the lowest sound settings You know for notifications and stuff and stick it in a charger in the other room So even if someone phones up or there's a message coming in I can't hear it and I'm absolutely fine with that though I know most people aren't now. I'm fully aware that with the under 30 even under 40 crowd People are so attached to their phones. They've got to check out every single message that comes in within seconds They've got their phone pretty close by at all times even when they sleep. Well, not me By the way, if I don't set the alarm, I sort of automatically wake up around 7 o'clock

[02:20] I think my sleep cycles program from all those years living back up in the States Speaking of programming as I was trying to hint at before I think that almost all of us over 40 or 50 years old Anyway, our program to think if we get a phone call after midnight, it's probably not good news Especially as mentioned if there's some very old people in the family still kicking around especially very old people who got some serious medical conditions Though being old is worrisome enough. Like for example, I've got a 94 year old mom So I'm sort of expecting trouble down the line sooner than later now on that front Let me tell you about what happened to me just three days ago Something I never would have imagined nor would have been able to predict in a simpler less technical world

[03:08] Let's say back before the millennium By the way, I wonder if the following series of events has ever happened to you. I Doubt it, but who knows anyway? Like I said, I have a brother who likes to text me at three and four in the morning Which is not convenient, but you can mute those things or do what I do put the phone in the other room The problem is though when you get an actual phone call let three or four in the morning. What's the first thing you think? Not good, right? You hope it's a wrong number So anyway three days ago early in the morning. I was sleeping like a log my phone as usual in the other room Apparently my phone was really popping. I was getting texts and phone calls like crazy, but of course, I didn't know Anyway, seven in the morning rolled around I got up went into the other room Saw the phone message light flashing my brother as usual. No big deal

[03:58] Except I also noticed I had a few missed calls from my mother at 3 3 0 1 and 3 0 2 in the morning I thought uh-oh bad news. I Waited a while try it again still occupied and now the thoughts are getting worse and worse your brain starts inventing really dark scenarios The only thing left to do is to try to keep phoning. I tried a couple of more times and finally I got through I said are you all right? She said yeah fine. I said wait a minute I got a couple of missed calls at 3 o'clock in the morning from you that never happens You never call past 10 o'clock, and then she started laughing. She said oh, I have to tell you what happened last night Then she started explaining it turns out my sister bought her one of those Apple watches now

[04:47] I've heard about those things. I don't know what they look like. I've never seen them I don't know what they do, but apparently one of the features they have one of the apps is an emergency dial 911 app Apparently if you're an old fragile person like my mom or even a young fragile person you can program it To detect if you take a fall or a spill apparently it's monitoring your heart as well And can detect if you're having a fib or a heart attack What happens next well it will immediately dial up 911 and any other numbers your program into it And when it calls and you pick up you get an emergency pre-recorded message along with GPS location coordinates, etc So that's exactly what happened at 3 in the morning My mother rolling over in her sleep apparently smacked her watch against the end table

[05:37] The watch app thinking she took a spill Dialed up myself and my other brothers and sisters and 911 Now my mother on the other hand was undeterred. She was still dozing until about seven minutes later The 911 medics showed up at her door. I said seven minutes. That's amazing. She said yep, seven minutes Her watch actually recorded that interval. I often wonder about that myself How long does it take for the time you dial 911 for them to get to your door? Obviously up in the States depends how close you are to a hospital or fire department same thing down here in Latin America Except you have to add in that lag time factor, too Not to mention the terrible traffic and horseshit drivers Anyway, the point is when you get a phone call past midnight. What are you thinking?

[06:26] Is it likely a call from your drunk buddies at the strip club or more likely a call from grandma in Cleveland? Who fell and she can't get up? All right changing gears here. Let's take an email from Hank. Not my real name He says Johnny. I'm an expat living in Guatemala for five years continuously and I love it here He says nothing short of a bone rattling earthquake could ever get me to leave He says like you Johnny. I sometimes just like to sit down at an outdoor cafe and watch people go by Sometimes laughs sometimes smile and sometimes cringe to that effect He says this is my open letter To all of the Latino and Latina gringo and gringo wannabes Hank says I see them every day. They are virtually everywhere

[07:13] Outstretting their stuff at the bars the malls the clubs putting on the dog as you say Johnny. So here goes The following is my open letter to gringo and gringo wannabes Latinos and latinas to whom it may concern us gringos and gringas the people you so much want to be like are secretly laughing at you You're not getting it right. You never will None of us real gringos and gringas are impressed by your fake designer clothes your tattoos your piercings Asymmetrical haircuts counterfeit jewelry, etc. Etc. You may be impressing yourselves, but that's about it You're especially not impressing any real gringos or gringas If you're really trying to be like us you failed that test a long time ago

[08:01] Not that us real gringos and gringas are anything to aspire to We've thoroughly succeeded in ruining our own country. So why would you want to copy us? I don't know why but you keep on trying you think you're bling and your ten-year-old Honda Civic with chrome rims and a spoiler Gives you respect and admiration from the real gringos and gringas You're trying to emulate nope, not in a million years Second earlier, do you think your looks and actions gain you respect and admiration from the so-called upper middle-class latinos Living in guarded neighborhoods with nice new cars and well manicured lawns Not much chance of that either. I don't think so I think they're sort of cringing too The truth is the gringos and gringas you so much want to be like not only are they unimpressed?

[08:49] Some are embarrassed for you and some are secretly snickering at you behind your backs. Do you pick up on that? Apparently not because you just keep on doing it worse yet. You double down I don't want to sound harsh But when us gringos get together we're often rolling our eyes and commenting on how ridiculous you look First things first number one you really cannot afford to copy us yet. You go into debt doing it Can't you see how foolish it is to be a person living on the edge only to spend good money that you don't really have For example adding gaudy ugly accessories to a car that's on its last lap to the junkyard Tell me what's the logic of doing such a thing when back in your home sweet home?

[09:36] So many essential things are in a terrible state of disrepair The door latch is broken to the burners on the stove Don't work the toilets cracked and has been leaking for two years yet You deem it essential to have all new chrome rims on the ten-year-old Kia picanto Think of all the money you've wasted trying to act like a gringo wannabe then Hank says If it's a true addiction being a gringo wannabe I'm not saying you should quit people spend and they spend foolishly gringos do it all the time too only we have much more Disposable income than you have so we can afford to be stupid with our money up to a point anyhow Don't stop on account of what us gringos and gringas might be thinking if you're wondering why no one's brought this touchy subject up before

[10:25] When we watch as you try so hard to be in the gringo wannabe mode We'll never come right out and tell you what we're really thinking that would be rude even now I think I have said too much signed gringo Hank Not my real name presently sitting in Starbucks people watching at Oakland Mall in Guatemala City Right Hank thanks for that slightly different take on things by the way I know Oakland Mall well, and I know that Starbucks out front too just to clarify things here. I'm not at all a Starbucks person Not a fan never was they've proved me right by going woke, but it's not just that I will never elect to use a Starbucks willingly though. I will go in to use the restroom. They're very clean

[11:11] One thing I've noticed about Starbucks I don't like the way Starbucks are frequented up in the states only for their coffee and desserts and all that This relates back to Hank's open letter about Latinos and Latinos putting on the dog Starbucks down here in Latin America is a gringa and gringo wannabe heaven You know they've got Starbucks throughout Latin America now There must be thousands of them and you know it seems in Starbucks down here in Latin America I'm talking off the gringo tourist trail because on the trail when you walk in you see tons of gringos, obviously Well, you know Starbucks are everywhere off the gringo tourist trail, too in high-end neighborhoods upscale malls and business districts, etc As you'd expect and if you walk into one of those places, you'll notice immediately It's not family sitting around and enjoying an overpriced latte

[11:57] You'll see it's high-end wealthy Latinos and Latinos having casual low-key business meetings and client hookups Yeah, that's right. It used to be before Starbucks came down the number one choice for outside casual business meetings I'm talking about small business meetings, you know, two three four or five people Before Starbucks arrived in a big way down here in Latin America around ten years ago. I'd say The number one place for outside business meetings McDonald's Yep, I've been down here so long. I remember a time when people would dress up to go to McDonald's Yep, that's right. Occasionally. I'd walk past the McDonald's in the morning and I'd see white collar and suited up guys Sitting with their laptops and piles of paper files someone holding court having a client meeting

[12:44] Whatever and now the cool and fancy let's put on the dog plays to have a meeting is Starbucks It's true and many gringos have confirmed this you walk into a Starbucks off the gringle tourist trail And it does not look like Latin America It looks like a Starbucks in any big city USA At least the look the design the architecture and the composition of people in there In other words, absolutely jam-packed with gringo and gringo wannabes you got typical upscale college-age kids with their Apple computers and iPhones and white collar and suited up business guys Funny thing too. You can't help but notice that the people inside happen to be wider and taller than the average Latino on the street The people working behind the counter though the baristas the waiters and waitresses if you're paying attention

[13:30] You'll notice they're generally darker and shorter than the clients Remember, there's that ingrained classist and racist thing going on down here Anyway, as for Starbucks here in Latin America, if you're upscale Latino or trying to look upscale Latino, that's the place to be Fact is down here in Latin America You have to have money to hang out at Starbucks or even frequent the place more than once a week funny enough The majority of gringos have been living down here in Latin America for a while like me They're not crazy about Starbucks because they know there's better cheaper coffee elsewhere in the neighborhood probably right across the street Though gringos down here like me will go in there Maybe to use their restroom or maybe because someone in their group called it out as a convenient meeting place It's always good for that. The thing is every gringo and expat

[14:16] I know who's been living down here a while knows what Starbucks is all about It's a place not necessarily to get a very overpriced cup of coffee and pricey over sweetened Gluten-free organic donuts like that makes any sense organic donuts. Yuck. Yuck What it really boils down to is it's a place for upscale Latinos and Latinas to be seen and a heaven and haven For gringo wannabes. Yes people dress up to go to Starbucks They're often very well pressed and polished does that seem strange to you or what and if you stop in don't be surprised if you See a couple of big black SUVs that look like tanks sitting in the parking lot with a couple of bodyguards lingering around That's par for the course at Starbucks here in Latin America. Tell me how often do you see that in a Starbucks parking lot up in

[15:02] the States probably never oh And get this in certain high-end malls, you'll see the International House of Pancakes has arrived, you know, I hop big deal Right considered in the US to be just a cut above a Denny's. Yep Denny's What a greasy spoon formerly known as Sambo's at least in the Chicagoland area Anyway in the States the I have just a slight cut above Denny's but not down here in Latin America The I hop here is considered quite an upscale dump There's one I drive by on occasion and I always see big old SUVs and bodyguards in the parking lot Man, that gringo wannabe gene is super strong super dominant in some people. It's like a genetic mutant Come on does Latin America really need an invasion of IHOPs. Does the world even need an IHOP at all?

[15:51] Anyway, Hank. Thanks for the email in your message to Latino gringo and gringo wannabes But unfortunately Hank too bad folks like that will never hear this podcast besides that it's not in Spanish But you are right Hank One of the favorite gringo and gringo past times is sitting around a coffee shop down here Making discrete comments about Latinos and Latinas that happen to be walking by It's a major reason why we stick to the sidewalk tables at outdoor cafes us gringos and expats We just love people watching and taking the piss out of gringo wannabe's oddballs and eccentrics I know this might sound cruel, but we do like to make fun Especially of gringo wannabes who try too hard and brain-dead fools who still mask up for covid by the way Sometimes Latina girls will surprise you they too can spot gringo wannabes within their midst like for example my girlfriend

[16:42] She will confidentially make fun of her own culture all the time gringo wannabes who try too hard She'll make jokes about blinged out Latinos with way too many piercings and pink hair She doesn't need me to prod her either even call out her own relatives that have gone too far And they're sometimes extreme macho ways She'll cut up on Latinos and her own culture in front of me and my friends But never in front of her relatives or other Latinos. That's when you know a girl's not just a pretty face You've got a winner on your hands It's nice to have someone you could joke around with someone that can dish it out and take it Yep, you find them like that sometimes, but not off though It's only logical you'll have a lot more luck in your search if you learn your Spanish Alright moving on You know you've heard me say this many times before you could be down here for years for decades

[17:29] And just when you think you've heard and seen it all something new and unusual will pop up right in front of you case in point Sunday I was at a birthday party the guy sitting next to me was about 30 years old turns up He's an insurance adjuster in the fraud department of a big insurance company here in Latin America. Oh And of course, he's a Latino guy through and through and speaks no English Except you know the usual glad to meet you by the way That's why I get so many good stories out of Latinos They don't speak English or they speak just a little English and they don't like to use it because they're embarrassed So when you speak to him in Spanish or halfway decent Spanish anyway, they generally open right up to you So anyway, I said to him so you work in the fraud department, huh? I'll bet you have a ton of good story

[18:17] She said oh, yeah, where do I start? And I said, why don't you just tell me the hot topic in the fraud department for the month? He said really you're interested in that stuff and his eyes lit up and you know, I can understand why he said that Being that insurance is probably one of the top ten most boring subjects of all time Anyway, I was interested because he was the first insurance fraud claims investigator. I'd ever met here in Latin America So I pumped him I said what's big in insurance fraud right now. He said well, we do have a fairly recent ongoing problem He said the fraudsters are always one or two steps ahead of us with one of the big problems being insurance companies Don't share information. It's proprietary And he said there are about 20 to 25 really big insurance companies in Latin America and they don't share information

[19:06] They have trade secrets and statistics and actuarial tables and all that Client lists personal info. They don't share that stuff They're also he said being hacked all the time and the hackers are always one step ahead of the fraud department, too Turns out he said there's a scam going on right now Where someone like a hacker or a group of people a syndicate by a car a fairly new car Like for example a Honda CRV They buy the car for let's say 30 grand The person pulling the scam goes online checks out a bunch of insurance companies and gets quotes full coverage quotes buys coverage pays a couple of payments couple of months go by car gets stolen it's unrecovered insurance company pays up

[19:52] 80 to 90 percent so far so good. Everything seems normal. I said then what what's the scam? The car not real or something. He said nope the cars bought and paid for all right. It's reported stolen police report on file And I said and then what he said here's the scam What the fraudster has done is actually buy four to six separate policies That's four to six full coverage policies he collects on so he walks away with around four to five times the original value of the car and Most likely the car has also been taken to a chop shop, so they get a piece of that, too Wow, I thought pretty good scam Anyway, that's one of the latest insurance fraud scams going down right now

[20:38] Have you heard about that scam up in the States according to this guy? It can't happen up there because all insurance companies are online with each other Local police departments too not so here in Latin America not yet anyway Oh, and here's something else you ought to know about but I'm sure they're not broadcasting it in the lamestream media Now for years I'm sure you've been hearing how certain countries in Latin America have become completely Self-sufficient in electric power production by using geothermal and hydroelectric power plants One of the first big success stories you may have heard about was Costa Rica you may have heard it's completely Self-sufficient with hydroelectric power then other countries followed suit like Ecuador Uruguay, etc In fact I'm sure that was the impetus for many gringles and expats to make the move because it's such a great

[21:25] Concept and a great feeling to to live in a country with complete electric power self-sufficiency with renewable energy No dependence on coal oil diesel natural gas nuclear sounds great, right? What country wouldn't be proud of that and what gringo or expat wouldn't feel good moving to such a place? But here's what they're not telling you all of those places have such low rainfall now The water levels in the rivers dams and lakes that power those hydroelectric plants are so low That rolling blackouts have been in place for over a year now But not to worry. Have you heard of these things called energy barges? Turns out there's a Turkish electric barge company who de thonk Ha Turkey has high-tech electric power plants that countries or corporations

[22:11] In fact, anyone can rent and they can be at your location anywhere in the world If you've got access to water up and running within two weeks, they're called generation barges I saw one of those things on the high sea just a couple of weeks ago They are completely self-sufficient. They carry the fuel the generators All you do is hook it up to your power grid and these barges man they put out each one will put out 350 megawatts of electricity and Guess what Ecuador has just ordered four of them for a total of a thousand four hundred megawatts By the way, these generator barges can use diesel propane or methane natural gas You know those dirty sticky polluting fossil fuels all the tree huggers and climate change Well, I must love to hate You know, it's kind of strange and I don't get it

[22:57] Costa Rica, Ecuador, El Salvador, etc. Get all the credit for switching over to renewable geothermal energy They're written up as huge success stories in first world media rags Except of course when they fail and they have to resort to renting dirty polluting power barges from Turkey Turkey Yeah, Turkey that in itself seems strange You don't think of Turkey as a high-tech land of mobile power engineers. Do you? meanwhile on the ground in Ecuador Something else completely different but also very strange is going on get this according to police 22-year-old Yolano Salazar and three of his university friends were sitting in a parked car in Guayaquil on the night of August 7th Suddenly they were surrounded by four men brandishing pistols. Hmm what to do what to do?

[23:48] What do you do when you're parked and someone puts a pistol up to the window points it at your face? You roll your windows down and give them what they want That's just what happened. Anyway, after the thieves stole their cell phones cash and jewelry Salazar the driver Started a car and attempted to leave the scene. The thieves tried to stop him pulling up in front of his car Salazar accelerated running over the thieves and their motorcycles One of the thieves died as a result of those injuries The police showed up now get this Salazar the driver is handicapped and suffers from a physical disability Never mind the situation or his condition He was arrested for the wrongful death and is being held at the Littorio penitentiary

[24:34] meanwhile friends and family of mr Salazar have maintained a vigil and daily protests in front of the Provincial Court Center in Guayaquil Protesting his imprisonment. By the way, it generally takes around three months to get a space on the court docket So he's likely to spend three months in jail before he even sees a judge However with daily protests going on the case now has gotten so much press in Ecuador Even international press people are flying in it's such a hot issue now that the president of the country in a boa Is now defending the student who ran over those thieves? He says he'll issue a presidential pardon if necessary if it comes to that in the case that the court finds him guilty of manslaughter Or wrongful death by the excessive use of force. Hmm. So what do you think of that? I

[25:24] Think the guy should be given a medal. How about let's name a road or a park after him? Give him a statue, you know how down here in Latin America when they give you a statue, they make the head oversized Well, maybe didn't know that but that's what they do all the heroes and genocidal dictators are macrocephalic Which is exactly the opposite of what they really are pinheads now in the press in the media There are lots of opinion pieces showing up too. Like for example, I just read one where the author said yes This story is emotional. All right, and president. Naboor. He has the right to pardon him But the real pardon is the one president. Naboor will give to his own father who owes 90 million dollars in delinquent taxes Ha ha ha ha you gotta laugh. What a bunch of lard ass slime bag crooks, but I digress. Oh

[26:11] And finally, how about this email from a psychologist named Jill? She says Johnny with all due respect you keep generalizing that Latino males are womanizers and physical abusers What you fail to mention is that research shows that the primary driver of infidelity is excessive alcohol Secondly the primary driver of spousal abuse or mating pair abuse is excessive alcohol She says I think we should all keep that in mind when we're generalizing Still love the show Johnny. Well, thanks for that. Dr. Jill I think one of my pet thieves is when someone's about to lecture me to preface it by saying with all due respect Johnny Which in that context usually means something like I have no respect for you Johnny

[27:01] And I'm going for the juggler Which is why when someone lays that phrase on me with all due respect, I just went slightly and wait for the slap Another one of my slightly smaller pet peeves is when someone keeps slipping in the word frankly, you know, frankly Which is supposed to mean truthfully or honestly, but since so many dickhead politicians use the word frankly I've grown to dislike the word and think it means just the opposite Thinking they're using that word as a setup to lie to me You've been listening to the expat files living in Latin America If you need some help with your own plan B We can schedule a one-on-one phone or Skype consult Just send me an email the expat files at Gmail dot com And if you want to get on the waiting list for my next week long expat insider seminar in Central America

[27:50] Where you're guaranteed to get a two to five year head start on your plan B Send me an email the expat files at gmail.com. No spamos