#1402 – The Expat Files: Laryngitis, Line Etiquette, and Life in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came up to play and now I wonder Hello there all you ex-pad wannabes. I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here So let's get started if you're wondering why the last expat file show was a repeat It's because I had an attack laryngitis last two days. She had happened. You know anyway Christmas came and went and Santa was pretty good to me Santa came through

[00:46] For the first time I'm using my brand new audio mixer present from Santa Claus the last one I had which I used for 14 years just took a crap. So Santa working through Amazon got me a new one, man I'll tell you electronics have certainly changed in the last 14 years This thing's not another level and it was cheaper than the one I bought 14 years ago and considering inflation was something like a hundred percent Over the last 14 years. Well, I don't even want to think about it. So anyway on Christmas Day I had laryngitis, but I had to go make the rounds I was invited to a big Christmas bash way out in the boonies and again because it's my style Since I like hanging around off the gringo tourist trail. I was the only gringo there How do you think you're gonna feel when you're the only gringo at a get-together at a party?

[01:34] Whatever it is sort of a strange feeling because you know, all eyes are on you though. They're really not They're trying to be coy about it Now one of the common things that happens at Christmas here in Latin America Is that on Christmas Eve around six or seven o'clock at night Most everyone has a big sit-down family dinner at mama's or grandma's house Oftentimes mama grandma and the kids live in the same house Sometimes grandpa and aunts and uncles too So most likely there will be many people hanging around all happy and loaded with good cheer The thing is those big buffet dinners are not just for the family Neighbors all start driving in that's why I say if you don't speak Spanish you're shit out of luck You'll feel completely lost when you first get down here and end up in that situation Just like I did though. You will have something I didn't have Google Translate for a better or for worse

[02:23] I'll be enough though people will come up to you and speak to you in Spanish thinking that you understand them and you won't and sometimes they'll go into a long long spiel in Spanish thinking you're getting it because you know, you're nodding and looking at them attentively and Maybe because it's the holidays. They're a little tipsy and I want to tell you about cousin Julio in Chicago because hell You're from Chicago and you had to have run into him, right man I'll tell you when I first got down here that happened to be a hundred times and you know You feel like a total idiot. You're thinking what the hell are they talking about? Am I missing something important here all that's going through your head while they're droning on and on in Spanish So anyway, I was at one of those Christmas evening bashes With a really solid case of laryngitis and once again, I noticed a phenomena that only happens down here in Latin America

[03:09] It just does not happen up in the States The truth is I probably only knew only ten people at this get-together And there were at least 50 to a hundred friends and neighbors dropping in over the evening People I never met before in my life And of course I was there with my girlfriend and she would introduce me when people came by and said hello She'd say something like this is my boyfriend He speaks Spanish, but don't test him because he's got a bit of a flu right now in laryngitis So he really can't talk Well that opened the floodgates because guess what every last one of those people I met When they heard I had the flu and laryngitis They'd sit down next to me for a minute and offer up a homemade remedy All of them seem to involve some local herb or root with lemon or lime boiled in water

[03:58] Often loaded with honey. Sometimes you sniff it. Sometimes you drink it man I must have heard 50 remedies 50 cures that night All of them surefire all of them each person swore by and none of them out of a package or a bottle coming from a pharmacy Maybe that's why Latin Americans according to recent stats live five to ten years longer than gringles and expats even though they're noticeably poorer and live in what us first world guys and gals might think of as less sanitary conditions and Spend a tiny fraction of what Americans spend per year at a pharmacy Anyway, the cool thing is everyone wants to help so then could it be partly the gringo advantage probably Everybody wants to help out a gringo and distress make a good impression But really what can you say when through the course of the night people you've never been before

[04:48] Whip up three or four different Concoctions for you to drink or snort just to help a guy out who's a little under the weather That kind of honest concern just doesn't happen up in the first world When here's something else I've noticed about Latinos when you're standing in line and you'll be standing in lots of lines Whether it's the grocery store where it's common to see ten workers hanging around the cashier area Like at a Costco with only two actually working the register or you're standing in line at the bank or at a government office somewhere And you're just not getting anywhere. It's not moving soon enough. You realize you're the only one who's getting pissed What'll happen is after a while people will start talking to each other People who don't know each other. Maybe it's the guy or gal right next to you who strikes up a conversation

[05:35] Man, I remember up in the states that kind of stuff rarely happen when you're standing in line for a long time Which wasn't very usual usually lines move pretty fast up in the states Except maybe at the driver's testing station Anyway, I remember up in the states people stuck in lines rarely spoke to each other same thing with elevators elevators were dead silent However, I do remember if you were stuck in line up in the states Oftentimes people would start complaining saying things like come on what's taking these jerks so long. This is bullshit Well, you know what and all the years I've been down here in Latin America standing in countless lines I've never heard that kind of attitude from Latin Americans when you're in line and they start conversing It's always sort of upbeat and pleasant. No one seems angry. They're stuck in line

[06:21] They just take it for granted. Take it as a given Like expedity used to say Latin Americans are so used to standing in lines that when they see one They just get in whether they need to or not. I know I know slight exaggeration, but you get the point now Here's the strange thing. There's line etiquette here in Latin America. For example, people do not take cuts That's extremely rude, but often they'll invite a gringo or gringo to take cuts That's the gringo advantage again, but in general the line etiquette down here is you never take cuts However, when you're on the road and driving, it's a completely different thing Latin American drivers come in sort of two flavors. They could be very slow and stupid Hogging two lanes and going less than the speed limit or they could be speedy gonzellis and breaking every traffic rule in the book

[07:07] Including very aggressively cutting in front of you that I don't quite get well Latinos are standing in line They've got this really admirable line etiquette Nobody takes cuts and everyone respects that but get a Latino behind the wheel man And it's a completely different game went on the road. It's just sort of controlled chaos and no etiquette Alright, let's take a couple emails now. This is from Chris. He says Johnny. I was watching a Rogan on Spotify recently I see that you can adjust the playback speed to up to three and a half times normal I can barely understand what people say when you click on 2x That's two times the speed any idea why anyone would pump it up to three and a half speed Seems to me you'd need a superpower to handle that Signed Chris. Well, thanks for that Chris. You know Chris

[07:55] I listen to a few podcasts and I always listen to a man about one point five That's one and a half times normal speed and you know when I kick it up to two times normal speed man That's a little tough. It can be hard on the brain and the attention span Of course, it all depends on the speaker. Some guys are plotting Lee slow with certain other guys It seems they're on crystal meth. For example, Ben Shapiro That guy's in his own zone. Sometimes I can't even listen to him at regular speed But you're right Chris says for me. Anyway, it's practically no one I can listen to at double the speed You got to pay way too much attention It's kind of nerve-wracking but at one and a half speed that works for me now I know some of you guys and gals out there listen to me at maybe one and a half or two times speed Listeners have told me that how is that working out for you? But there's more to Chris's email

[08:45] He says Johnny the PRN site was changed. I've got a grip I don't see the list of your archived shows on PRN anymore It used to be that if you went to a PRN That's a progressive radio network and clicked on the expat files, then you'd see a list of all the expat archives I can't find them now He says I can find your shows in the list of all PRN shows archives But it's too hard to go through all of them to find your old shows. So I have to go to Podbean directly Alright Chris. I went there and checked it out. You're right So Chris is saying go into the PRN site and trying to find my old shows is getting tough Well, you know a lot of people listen to the show on iTunes or Spotify and they don't have a complete list of my archive The shows there either but when people ask I would say why don't you just go to Podbean every single shows there from the beginning?

[09:34] 1400 shows to access all of them just go to your search engine and type in the expat files all one word dot podbean that's p-o-d b-e-a-n dot-com the expat files all one word dot podbean Dot-com. Oh and Chris that kind of thing PRN progressive radio network is gonna fix that archive thing You're talking about because all the other shows on that station are in the same boat You click on a particular show and you can't find the archives on that show either Anyway, we'll be on the lookout for that. All right. Here's an email from Anthony in Las Vegas He says Johnny have you heard of any bad experiences from expats living in Mexico City specifically? I Appreciate you're telling the truth about Mexico. He says thanks and happy holidays signed Anthony

[10:22] Well, Anthony, you know Mexico City's a gigantic city 16 million people more or less Well, Anthony, it's like any other gigantic city You're gonna have some really poor bombed out looking areas. You'd never want to walk or drive through day or night There'll be a lot of places neighborhoods and such that you could walk or drive through during the day No problem at all, but you wouldn't want to go out at night You've got lots of middle-class areas to middle-class Latin style, which is lower middle-class American style Which are generally secure and safe, but then again could be touch-and-go at night Then you've got your very high-end districts with gated garden communities Lots of luxury cars beautiful gardens and high-end prep schools lots of people with bodyguards

[11:07] high class upscale business and restaurant districts The thing is Anthony all the people I know who live in Mexico City the gringos and expats that is live in upscale high-rent areas Most of our paying between 800 bucks to maybe 1200 bucks a month Which is really high rent Latin style and they report virtually no crime problems at all You know here in Latin America once you're paying seven or eight hundred bucks a month or more You're almost always in a gated garden community or residential tower However, it seems in every big Latin City There's petty street crime and if you're stupid didn't show off your wealth your phone your jewelry whatever eventually you'll be a target For example a while back gringle buddy of mine living in Mexico City sent me a little short video It was daytime in a busy chaotic neighborhood middle-class neighborhood Latin style in the center of the street was a transit cop

[11:58] Directing traffic turns out the guys pretty much out there all day. Just directing traffic. That's his job It's a busy street lot of traffic So as you'd predict the transit cop would wave traffic on for a minute or two in one direction Stop them and then give the go-ahead for the pedestrians in the crossway Then wave on the traffic in the other direction turns out though this traffic cop was addicted to his cell phone He had in his hand at all times Waving the traffic whichever way with a cell phone in his hand like it was glued on or stuck on with velcro And when the traffic would pass a minute or two, he'd use that time to peck away at his phone So I'm watching this little video and remember now it's in Mexico City just recently in broad daylight and while the traffic cop is pecking away at his phone a Couple of motorcyclists are driving by and one of them grabs the phone out of the guy's hand

[12:46] He stole the phone from a traffic cop talk about cojones The traffic cop is shocked for a second then bolts after the guy the guy's long gone though Though somebody captured the entire sequence on his phone and sent it to a couple of people like my buddy living there in Mexico City, that's how I ended up with it. So Anthony if you're asking me about crime in Mexico City Well, let's put it this way. Some thieves have really big balls. By the way, that's one of the huge problems I see with cops everywhere whether they be national cops Swat team cops or tourist cops in busy gringo areas doesn't matter it affects all Latino cops I don't know what it is and I don't really get it, but they're addicted to their cell phones So addicted that while on duty, they're almost never really paying attention to this situation around them They're on their cell phones. Who knows what they're watching dick cock instant crap the usual suspects

[13:36] They're just blindly addicted. In fact, just the day before Christmas I was doing some power walking and I strolled past I'd say at least five different cops all of them Either stooped over staring at their phones or sitting at a park bench Sept into whatever stupidity was on offer for the moment to me It's actually a bit disturbing and you know if they were ever to be called out on it The cops are gonna say, you know, they need their phones They're an essential piece of equipment to communicate with each other and home base if there's an emergency, but that's just bullshit They're just mindlessly addicted like everyone else under 30 or 40 seems to be always looking for a spare moment to get a dopamine hit Again, it's kind of disturbing when you see that cops are just not paying attention to their surroundings Oh, well, which brings us back to Anthony's email, you know, Anthony

[14:23] I have to admit if someone said to me Johnny, you have to live out the rest of your life in Mexico Pick a spot there. You know what? I'd probably pick Mexico City. They've got some really terrific cosmopolitan areas there Of course, it's got big problems too Terrible terrible air pollution problems huge water shortage But then again, if you've got money you could get around all that Of course, if you've got a lot of money you can live anywhere Anyway, as you longtime listeners know Mexico would never be my first choice for a plan B Nor plan C or even D But if somehow someone put a gun to my head and said you have to live in Mexico, where's it gonna be? I think I'd pick Mexico City Besides that it's in the Altiplano. So you've got spring weather all year round again I'm not recommending it for those of you looking for a plan B

[15:10] Mexico's in crisis. It's run by cartels It is a failed state, you know, but you know even in countries with tons of problems There are a little isolated islands of tranquility tranquil for the moment. Anyway, always remember though Mexico's a failed state run by narcos. So one day it could be paradise the next day hell I hope that answers your question Anthony By the way, every big city in Latin America every big city in the world has its problem areas areas You don't want to live in areas. You don't want to walk or drive in at night unless you've got your Rottweiler with you That's why it's so important to get boots on the ground and rent for at least six months before you buy but you knew that already Right. All right. Let's take this next email from Horatio. He says hello Johnny. Congratulations on your

[15:56] 1400 show and counting longtime listener here Horatio your dedication to this podcast truly reflects your German genes Grit and perseverance. It's truly admirable Anyway, he says after quitting our jobs, my wife and I have been traveling extensively before reaching the age of 60 We're not quite on a plan B yet, but more like a plan C We're on a plan Johnny that you might want to promote He says we haven't stayed in one country for more than three months at a time But we've been roaming and discovering wonderful places on this planet He says it's been a great journey and we're finding a much lower cost of living than in the US We've visited Uruguay our home country Peru Bolivia the Dominican Republic

[16:42] Mexico Colombia now across the ocean in Southeast Asia staying in Korea and the Philippines for your listeners I highly recommend Colombia though, particularly in the coffee zone for its low-cost gorgeous landscapes and magical towns So Johnny keep up the great work and happy holidays signed Horatio Alright, mr. H. Thanks for that. You know, you mentioned Colombia as your highly recommended pick, you know in many previous shows I've mentioned if I was to have a plan C or D if Let's say Central America didn't work out for me. I'd consider Colombia now over the years I've tweaked that idea a little bit. I don't recommend any of the big cities in Colombia anymore forget Medellin Bogota Cali

[17:28] Cartagena they've been overrun by too many Europeans and gringos. The gringo effect is kind of taking its toll Too many gringos and expats of the bad sort. Well, maybe not truly bad, but let's just say Undesirable sort just basically going there for sex tourism and such. In fact, not so long ago I went on YouTube to find gringos who were podcasting out of Colombia and guess what there are hundreds of them with 95 maybe even 99% of them all about parties and sex and how to pick up Colombian girl Okay, I guess for a sort of guiltless carefree kind of guy But personally, I don't want to be next-door neighbors with those party hardy perpetual hangover types So anyway for the record, there are plenty of gringo guy podcasts out of Colombia

[18:14] Specifically aimed at bringing down gringo guys to exploit the place Almost all of those podcasts are coming out of the four major cities the ones we've all heard of Cartagena Medellin, Kelly and Bogota and what you're saying Horatio on your email is that you highly recommend the areas in the coffee zone The smaller towns out in the boonies I'm totally with you on that if you're planning on just retiring into the sunset The thing I found is so many of those smaller towns throughout Latin America, not just Colombia They're so laid-back that if you're kind of an American go-getter a man or a lady of action For some of you places like that will bore the shit out of you Though not right away. I've met many a gringo expat who found their paradise moved to a beautiful small town of 10 15 20 even 50,000 people at first

[19:05] They just loved it They found paradise then after three or four months they started getting cabin fever if you know what I mean, they got antsy That's why it's always good advice after you've picked your plan B destination To rent and live there at least six months before buying anything permanently See if that town's style of living matches with your personality your expectations Some gringles and expats, you know do just want to fade into the sunset They're on that kind of retirement path in a small beautiful scenic town could be perfect for them But I'll tell you if your plan B is all about having a phase two in a continuously productive life a larger town Or big city just might be your best bet or as I found out for myself I like to live about a half an hour to an hour outside of big city That way you've got all the access and comforts of a big city without the hustle bustle noise pollution crazy traffic and chaos

[19:56] That way too if you ever get bored or have cabin fever, you're a short drive away from where the action is Alright moving on. Here's an article that just came out in a notable South American newspaper I'll paraphrase this a bit cut out the boring parts the title and we'll do some translation here in English is the macho Culture and the lack of a fissional government response Contributes to the very high rate of violence against Latin American women. Hmm I don't know why they didn't condense that title down say something like Latin American women suffer a high rate of abuse Anyway, you get the point starts out by saying more than two-thirds of Latin American women have suffered domestic violence According to a report out Thursday that found such abuse widespread throughout Latin America

[20:42] The report found husbands and boyfriends the usual perpetrators no surprise there It goes on to say of the seven of the twelve Latin American and Caribbean countries surveyed by the pan-american health organization More than one in four Latin American women report having experienced such brutality in their lifetimes With Bolivia ranking the highest in domestic violence against women and the Dominican Republic ranking the lowest With only 17 percent of women reporting domestic violence against them The study also found that domestic violence against women is much more prevalent in the Campo in the rural areas The study found latinas living in the cities are much less likely to be abused Why because on the Campo on the boonies in the small towns?

[21:29] That's where macho culture and old ways of doing things are the most entrenched For example when interviewing latino males the pan-american health organization found the social and cultural norms support violence against women including some of the interviewed men saying things like quote There are times when a woman deserves to be beaten unquote That along with quotes like the following a man has a right to assert power over a woman men are considered socially superior The study also found that according to Latino men physical violence is considered an acceptable way to resolve conflict in relationships and that Sexual activity including rape can be a marker of masculinity Now remember these quotes are coming from Latinos mostly living out in the boonies

[22:18] It goes out to say even when looking at just a 12 month period rather than an entire lifetime The report found that more than a quarter of latina women 25.5% in Bolivia for example report being victims of physical and or sexual violence and get this it says in up to 82% of cases they're talking about Bolivia again women suffered physical injuries Ranging from cuts and bruises to broken bones as well as miscarriages and burns in the report the analysis of more than 180,000 latina women showed that the women who were beaten in childhood Reported violence at the hands of their partners as adults at much higher rates than those who were not hit when they were young in questioning these

[23:04] 180,000 women they found that in all latin american countries except Paraguay The women said that their partners drunkenness or drug abuse was the most common trigger for physical violence With jealousy being the second most cited cause of physical abuse The country's participating in the study included Bolivia Colombia the Dominican Republic Ecuador El Salvador Guatemala Haiti Honduras Jamaica Nicaragua Paraguay and Peru Which reminds me tis the season for latin american males to get drunk and shit-faced This is the season where latin american males by far drink the most booze by the way I was in a Walmart the other day in a big Christmas rush and the checkout lady at the cashier station had a really big Shiner and my girlfriend who was right behind me gave me a nudge along with a certain look in an eye roll

[23:54] Yep, other latinas are quick to pick up on the fact There's a wife beater in the family But no one does anything about it her story about tripping over her feet and falling down the stairs No one's buying it. You know when you're sitting down with a bunch of latinas not Latinos now latinas I'm talking about 20 30 and 40 something latinas and you talk about the pervasiveness of physical abuse You hear him say over and over again. It's not gonna change until their grandfather's generation dies off They say their father's generation is a little kinder and gentler It's their grandfather's generation the guys that are let's say 55 or older They're the guys that were brought up with those wife beating habits Where the man's the king of the castle captain of the ship and all that once again? It's the lag time effect, but it is changing little by little though not fast enough

[24:43] These old-timers are not dying off fast enough though. I have to say after all the years observing that problem myself It's not just a grandpa said have to die off But many of their kids who are fathers now who have those bad habits, too By the way, I find when it comes to physical and mental abuse latina ladies like to fib I found out when the subject comes up and it does once in a while Practically every last one of them will swear that they'd leave a guy if he hit her oh, and they say it with such certainty I would never take that from a guy. I'd show him the door had changed the locks yet You just heard the statistics around 25 percent of a hundred eighty thousand latina women polled Reported physical or sexual violence against them in just one year just a 12-month period not an entire lifetime a 12-month period

[25:29] The poll also showed in spite of that abuse between 28 and 64% of victims did not speak to anyone about it or seek help that according to 156 page report entitled violence against women in Latin America and the Caribbean Which begs the question why when the subject comes up at parties and such? Why does nearly every Latin American lady? Swear she'd never take that kind of abuse from a man nearly all say they'd dump his ass leave him on the spot Somehow that doesn't match the stats doesn't pass the smell test does it so does that mean Latin American ladies are prone to fibbing? You tell me all right before we end the show today. Just one more tale of good cheer now my brother up in Chicago

[26:15] He's coming down to visit me He wants to do another round at the stem cell clinic So he phoned me up the other day and said he went to his bank to withdraw five thousand bucks in cash That amount by the way well under the legal limit for traveling by area You know they allow you to take up to ten thousand dollars in legal tender funny money across borders, right? So he said he went to his bank in Chicago stood in line for about ten minutes got to the window and a lady said For that amount of money. He'd have to put in an order and come in the next day Well, he wasn't happy about that because you know for him the trip to the bank takes a round trip. Maybe an hour Anyway, he went back the next day Different window different cashier. They had a 5k for him all right, but before the guy would give it to him He said what are you gonna use this for and my brother said what?

[27:03] What am I gonna use this for for spending? What the hell else and the bank teller said yes But what's it for and now my brother was starting to get pissed He thought for a second, and he said to the guy he said this is the holiday season I'm gonna give it to charity. I'm gonna walk up to the first black homeless lesbian midget I see and give it to her and The teller didn't about face walked in the back room came back about 30 seconds later handed him a stack of 50 $100 bills You've been listening to the expat files living in Latin America if you need some help with your own plan B We can schedule a one-on-one phone or Skype consult Just send me an email the expat files at gmail.com And if you want to get on the waiting list for my next week-long expat

[27:49] Insiders seminar in Central America where you're guaranteed to get a two to five year head start on your plan B Send me an email the expat files at gmail.com