#1418 – The Expat Files: US Corruption, Latin America, and the Challenges of Living Abroad

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border, down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came out to play And now as I wander Hello there all you expat wannabes I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to The Expat Files, living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live, work, play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good, the bad, the ugly and the great And it's all right here so let's get started Alright, let's start off with an email from Mr. D from the Socialist Republic of Montgomery County, Maryland He says, Johnny, good morning, good evening, whatever it might be Hope all is well, just a little comment here

[00:45] Despite your claims of staying out of politics I'm pretty sure you've been following the recent shit show Happening here in the United States regarding the Trump Administration confirmation hearings And the muck that the Department of Government Efficiency, Doge, has been turning up I'm eager to hear your commentary, Johnny And inevitably, quote, I told you so In your next podcast about USAID, NGOs, non-profits and big pharma Though I think you've got one thing wrong, I'll enlighten you about it in person at the next seminar Johnny, now that we're seeing all these toxic government expenditures We're only scratching the surface with this stuff, he says Of all the countries that could be labeled Banana Republic, the USA might take the cake With corruption spanning both sides of the political spectrum and way beyond

[01:32] You could say it's funny, but then again, not so funny That pretty much sums it up There's more to Mr. D's email, but let's deal with the subject at hand Namely, massive US corruption, USAID, etc, etc Stuff we've all known and have been talking about for years But no one seems to be paying attention Funny thing too, you know, gringles and expats that leave, they get the hell out of debt They really can't use the excuse of massive government corruption as a reason Because down here in Latin America, man, corruption at every level is so common They don't even call it corruption, it's just doing business Greasing the skits The thing is, down here in Latin America, the bribes and the morditas, the bites Are miniscule compared to the kind of graft and massive shenanigans Going down in every government department up by you

[02:19] I mean, look, even back in Reagan's day in the 80s They were talking about $800 toilet seats and $200 hammers And that was back in the day when $200 was more like $500 today due to inflation Which is another kind of internal perpetual rat Caused by Uncle Sam running the printing presses like there's no tomorrow Now, if you really want to know what I think about Doge, you know Elon Musk's little group of efficiency experts and cost cutters Well, I think it's a very good first step that the Trump administration is putting USAID staffers on leave worldwide And firing at least 2,000 of them I've been telling you guys for years that every time I pass the USAID office in Guatemala City And it thinks about four square blocks There's sort of a stink around that whole area Anyway, as Trump and Doge lay off lard-ass government bureaucrats and cut costs

[03:09] Men as predicted, lamestream media is coming out in full force against everything they're trying to do In fact, let me read this little paragraph right from the Wall Street Journal Which is supposed to be a conservative paper, right? It says, the Trump administration's effort and Elon Musk's Doge team Are upending efforts of decades of US foreign policy that give aid and developmental assistance Provide overseas services and national security by stabilizing regions and economies and building alliances Yeah, right. Har, har, hardy, har, har Yeah, that's the lamestream media's take, all right USAID, etc., etc. Serve national security interests by stabilizing regions and economies and building alliances

[03:58] Such bullshit. If you know anything about USAID and the NGOs it supports They destabilize regions and affect regime change in any country or government that's not playing ball with the US But you knew that already, right? Somehow, though, the corrupt and paid-for media has great pity for people who are paid to give away billions in American taxpayer dollars Yeah, lay off shit-for-brains USAID workers and the media goes nuts The media whiners her everywhere Yet, somehow it's never mentioned, not once, that the US taxpayers paying for all that shit The media has no pity for the actual taxpayers Just great pity for the people who are paid to give away those billions

[04:44] Hmm, couldn't happen to a nicer bunch of corrupt lardasses, don't you think? But still, the media whines and all the op-ed pieces are going after Doge and Elon Musk But here's what I don't get, all my life I worked in the private sector, never the public sector I don't understand why federal workers believe they're special, that the market conditions don't affect them That their jobs are forever and they're above all that How could they not be for rooting out the rotten decay built up by decades of gross political corruption and mismanagement? How can people be against rooting out inefficiency and corruption? Unless, of course, they're the ones sucking at the government tit themselves I mean, look, if you're part of it and that's how you get paid, I mean, there's an estimated 3 million federal workers But when you consider federal consulting, federal corporate management, administrative and support services, waste management,

[05:38] transportation services, outside contractors, we're talking about 22.5 million people on the federal payroll That's about 20% of the US adult workforce So you better believe they can cause a hell of a lot of noise when they start to whine about Elon Musk and his Doge efficiency experts Seems like every last media and news service is against Elon and the Doge boys, too Well, guess what, you federal lardass employees, let me clue you in on something Getting laid off or even fired is perfectly normal in the private sector, happens all the time In fact, I don't think I know anyone who hasn't been laid off or fired in the private sector, sometimes multiple times It's well known that it's almost impossible to get fired from a government job

[06:24] Private sector jobs are different You actually have to show up at your job five days a week and put in the hours and the time and do some work Private sector jobs do real work, not just moving stacks of paper from one desk to another all day Haven't you ever wondered why so many federal employees are morbidly obese and seem to be permanently glued to their chairs? They have privileges that no private sector employee could ever have I've heard it said that in order to get fired as a federal employee, you'd not only have to screw the boss's wife You'd have to murder her, too, and if you shot her at work, you'd get medical leave, a psychiatric referral, and your back pay So you federal employees out there worried about your job security? You know what? Deal with it

[07:10] Welcome to the real world, not the fantasy world of government Deal with it, and welcome to layoffs, downsizing, job insecurity that's part of life in the private sector Get used to it, quit whining, take a pill By the way, from reading all the negative comments and outrage and complaints in the op-eds about Elon Musk and its Doge team It's really easy to see who's getting those big fat government benefits Just who's got those nice big fat government contracts and who's sucking it up like a pig at the trough Meanwhile, Congress works like what, one day a week and the other four days they work angling for campaign contributions From the likes of Big Pharma and Big Agro They're all corrupt pieces of shit, too

[07:56] And they get massive benefits no one in the private sector would ever get and 100% expense reimbursement Insider trading is legal for them, but not us Which makes this Thomas Jefferson quote, vastly appropriate Quote, a government big enough to give you everything you want is big enough to take away everything you have So, Mr. D, that's my AUSAID and federal government employee rant So, let's move on to the second part of Mr. D's email He says, Johnny, on a side note, I'm working on getting my Guatemalan residency going with lawyer Jose He says, speaking of Guatemala, I have some odd questions about Guatemalan homes First, why do they insist on having a tree or two in the walled in backyards of the colonial style homes

[08:49] Sometimes you see the trees growing right in the walls Don't the roots end up destroying the brickwork and the walkways? Sure, they look rustic and cute in the long run, but likely they'll end up destroying foundations, etc Secondly, why in so many bathrooms in Guatemala When you wash your hands in the sink There's a window looking to the outside where there's supposed to be a mirror And why is it that in most Latin American homes the microwave is placed in a kitchen location Where only an Olympic gymnast could reach Oh, and Johnny, by the way, I won't say a thing about where some refrigerators are placed Where oftentimes you bang the door against a counter or a sink because it can't be fully opened Anyway, Johnny, just wondering about that stuff All the best, and I'm waiting for the seminar dates. Hope you announce them soon

[09:37] Signed, Mr. D, Socialist Republic of Montgomery County, Maryland All right, Mr. D, let's take your questions one at a time You're right Guatemalans and Latinos in general seem to like to plant trees Right where the roots in the long run will do the most damage Now, if you've been back and forth to Latin America a lot of times And you've visited enough people's homes You might also see big trees, live trees growing in the house Often so big and tall, they pop through the roof In other words, if there's a big tree in the yard and they want to build Sometimes they'll incorporate it right in the house And of course, trees sway, they grow, they get bigger and bigger, or they die And so over the years you got a big maintenance problem Usually a big headache Lots of humidity and water leaks at the roof line

[10:22] That have to be constantly attended to Or not, usually or not But you're right, to a degree, they are aesthetically pleasing I mean, look, who doesn't want a real live tree growing up from the center of your living room? We're not talking about potted plants here We're talking about trees whose roots are in the earth I've been in lots of Latino houses where there's a full grown tree growing inside somewhere Talk about a conversation starter Now, as to Mr. D's question why there is often a window where there are mirrors supposed to be in the bathroom Well, I think it all boils down to the fact that bathrooms are kind of an afterthought here in Latin America They're usually way too small, especially in middle class and lower middle class houses They're so small sometimes You can't even open the door all the way It hits the sink or the edge of the toilet

[11:08] Worse yet, you see midget sinks and midget toilets everywhere down here I'm serious, there are toilets that are so small you think This must be some kind of joke Where do they even sell these things? Well, just go to any hardware store, you'll find kitty sized toilets and sinks You and I would never think of installing one of those Funny though, if your house has a maid's quarters, and most do They always install those mini toilets and sinks In Latin American bathrooms, which could be very small, very tight quarters Sometimes tiny toilets and sinks are the only thing that'll fit Oh and Mr. D, when you talk about a window being right above this sink in a bathroom Right where the mirrors should be There's kind of a strange but somewhat logical explanation for that You see, down here in Latin America, there's no frost, you know During the winter, nothing freezes

[11:54] That means the water pipes, etc. can be on outside walls In the United States, up north, Canada, Europe, that's not true In the States, especially northern states The plumbing pipes in a house are almost always located in interior walls Think about it, if you had a window in an interior wall, it would look into the next room It would be stupid and inconvenient to do that, right? Anyway, down here in Latin America, you'll find lots of bathroom sinks Fastened to an outside wall Whereas you won't find that too often at all up in the States Because on an outside wall, the water in the pipes on a very cold day will freeze That makes sense, or maybe you had to be there And finally, in Mr. D's email, he asks why microwave ovens in Latin American kitchens Are in locations only an Olympic gymnast can reach

[12:40] Well, let's talk about that word ergonomics Which can be roughly defined as the study of people in their working environment More specifically, it involves designing a workspace that reduces stress and movement The idea is to minimize the movement and the steps you have to take To get a particular job done, like, for example, in the kitchen To make a cup of coffee, there are various steps you have to go through Including heating the water You can make that process very easy or very hard That's the study of ergonomics Architects, designers, and engineers all study ergonomics Well, guess what, here in Latin America, you can poll 100 people Ask them what the definition of ergonomics is And probably no one will give you the right answer Take your kitchen, for example The fact is, you don't want to haphazardly place your cabinets, your doors, your drawers

[13:30] In just any old way that they'll fit But that just happens to be the way most Latin American kitchens are laid out There's certainly not a lot of thought put into how you can optimize motion And eliminate discomfort while performing a given task Like, for example, how many steps does it take to catch a driveway chicken, kill it, pluck it, and cook a meal? Well, that all depends on the layout of your kitchen, if you're right or left-handed And whether you're machetes, dull or sharp Now, I'm pretty certain no one's ever done a time in motion study on that procedure Put it this way, most Latino houses, kitchens, bathrooms, small businesses too Are not set up for efficiency and comfort Down here in Latin America, most houses, middle class houses and lower middle class houses Have rooms that are small and undersized

[14:16] Cramped quarters, so you do what you gotta do to get around that Oh, and by the way, I was just reading the other day some stats The average Latin American apartment in a city is around 600 square feet Whereas in the United States, it's 950 square feet So US apartment dwellers have a third more space Not to mention Latin Americans have bigger families, 3 and 4 kids, Americans 1 or 2 In other words, Latin American apartments are pretty crowded The numbers get even crazier when you're talking about a freestanding house In the United States, the average square footage of a house is 2300 square feet In Latin America, it's about 1200 square feet So Latin American homeowners have about half the living space as American homeowners And again, they have more people in that house too, bigger families

[15:02] More kids and often grandma and grandpa too Alright, moving on, this short and sweet email from Mr. S He says, Johnny, love your show For the most part, your grasp of Spanish Castellano is exceptional for a non-native Just a small correction on last week's podcast though Por su puesto means of course Pre su puesto is a quote or a budget Keep up the good work, Johnny, regards Mr. S Well, thanks for the correction, Mr. S You know, once in a while, I'll be talking to my girlfriend She speaks no English at all We're always talking in Spanish, 100% of the time And I'm sure you know some people talk really fast Spanish speakers can talk fast And sometimes, actually quite frequently, I'll say to my girlfriend Will you say that again, please?

[15:49] No entiendo, I don't understand She's glad to repeat the phrase But sometimes gives me a snarky look Like, really? You didn't get that the first time? You'd dance or something? So, I find myself saying to her once in a while Spanish is my second language I'm never going to be 100% fluent I might get up to 80 or 90, but 100, I doubt it Not in this life And I'll tell you, there are still some people People in the street mostly, like an Uber driver A plumber, electrician, shoeshine boy, whatever Where sometimes I don't understand a single word they say Or I get just a few words and I have to fill in the blanks in my head, myself I want to tell you another thing that's really tough for someone who speaks Spanish as a second language

[16:36] I'm talking about email addresses Often times, people will pronounce a V and a B the very same way And you know, if you get one letter wrong on an email address Forget about it For example, a while back, I phoned up the American Embassy To find out their hours of operation, so I got a recorded message in Spanish And I remember the recording saying, if you need to talk to someone personally We will call you, set up a phone call Just send us an email At citizens.services.aroba.usmbz.gov Well, guess what? I found out it wasn't gov G-O-V, like government It's G-O-B, like goburnment But the B and the V sounded exactly the same So that's what you're up against

[17:22] When someone speaking to you in Spanish gives you an email address By the way, throughout Latin America They abbreviate government G-O-B You know, as in boy, G-O-B, not G-O-V Why? Well, because the word government in Spanish is gobierno With a B, gobierno Not gobierno with a V With a B, gobierno Anyway, there are lots of little confusing twists in the Spanish language That will take you a while to learn if Spanish is your second language By the way, I still can't roll my R's So again, in Spanish, government is abbreviated G-O-B Not G-O-V Seems like a small thing I know But if you're not clued in, it will really screw you up Alright, moving on, here's an email from John

[18:09] Johnnie, did you know what the most nominated movie at the Academy Awards is this year? It has 13 nominations It's called Emilia Perez, a Mexican movie Read the synopsis, he said So I looked it up and I did I'm wondering what local Latinos and Latinas think of this movie Well, it turns out what John is saying is that if you think Hollywood movies are woke You ought to see what's coming out of Mexico these days Listen to the synopsis of the most nominated movie at the Academy Awards The Mexican movie Here's the synopsis The movie Emilia Perez follows three remarkable women in Mexico Each pursuing her own happiness Number one, cartel leader Emilia enlists unappreciated lawyer Rita

[19:00] to help fake her death so that she can finally live authentically as her true self Here is the subplot In modern-day Mexico, overqualified and exploited lawyer Rita is wasting her talents working for a large firm Which is far better at whitewashing criminal garbage than serving justice But an unexpected way out appears The sort of offer that cannot be refused That is, to help feared cartel boss Juan Little Hands Del Monte Retire from his business and disappear forever Little Hands Del Monte, a.k.a. Manitas Has a plan he's been fine-tuning in secret for years

[19:46] That is to transition into a female To at last become the woman he has always dreamed of becoming So what do you think, would you go to that movie? Would you take your kids to see that movie? Yep, I'd say Mexico is becoming pretty woke Though not out in the boonies, I'm talking about the big cities, especially Mexico City And all those gringo tourist traps And now, an email from Mr. K, an ex-pat, insider seminar alumnus, he says Johnny, I thought I'd like to tag along on your next seminar, he says Be nice to meet some people who are curious about being south of the border and share some stories He says, after living down here so many years now, I have so many stories myself Anyway, he says, just a few weeks ago, you had a show about shipping items south of the border

[20:32] And the associated Adwana and customs charges Wow, that struck a nerve, he says Question, how do you know the Adwana is charging people fees for items under 200 bucks? Couldn't the shipping company put fake customs fees on the invoices of their customers And pocket that extra dough after you've paid? Well, Mr. K, this is Latin America, so anything's possible The only thing is, when you get packages from Amazon, they don't have the invoices on them Or in them And sometimes, about one out of ten times anyway I'll get an email from my shipping company saying To upload a copy of the Amazon receipt to prove what I paid for it So, for example, Mr. K, if the shipping company is putting fake custom fees on the invoices

[21:17] And if, let's say, one out of ten times you actually have to upload the Amazon receipt That would definitely keep the people at your shipping company honest Because you never know when they're going to ask for that receipt And that would be a big conflict If, for example, the Amazon product was 180 bucks And they faked the receipt saying it was 300 bucks And made you pay the extra So, Mr. K, it's definitely possible that I don't think probable Anyway, Mr. K goes on to say I've been using a shipping company for quite a long time And I realized they've been charging me custom fees on everything I'm supposed to get that $200 break Apparently, I've paid tons of custom fees Of course, the items on the invoices are significantly less than 200 bucks So, somehow, I'm getting scammed Alright, let me stop you there for a second, Mr. K

[22:05] Years ago, when I started using those shipping services I found that if you buy a bunch of stuff on Amazon Let's just say you buy five things All of them are 50 bucks If you order them all at once They'll generally put them all in one box And if you've got five $50 items in that box That's over $200, right? That's 250 bucks So the Adwana just might charge you Technically, they can do that, and they will So, I learned a long time ago Never to order anything on Amazon Any group of things, that is, that goes over 200 bucks Let's just say I want to order seven things And the whole grouping comes out to 350 bucks Well, I'll split it into two Making sure that the total order is always under 200 bucks After I started doing that, I never got charged an Adwana fee again So, again, if you've got small items

[22:52] Let's say a couple of $35 items Go ahead, buy them all at once with one Amazon order Just don't let the total go over 200 bucks Because if you do, even though those items are well under that amount individually They could make the case that you've got one box worth more than 200 bucks And nail you for a customs fee By the way, you'll always get charged that EBA You know, IBA, which is value-added tax Some countries it's 10%, some 13, some 15 You can't get around that one, you'll always get stuck paying that But it's those customs and Adwana fees that really kill you So, try to use those workarounds we've been talking about lately It seems, too, the example I just stated happened exactly to Mr. K He says, Johnny, recently I ordered a few items All the items were from different companies And all were less than 200 bucks

[23:37] The shipping company hit me with a single invoice Combining all of the items and charging me custom fees He says, I contacted them and reminded them There shouldn't be any custom fees for items under 200 bucks That's exactly what happened They asked for the invoice of each individual shipment I thought this was interesting because I have to send them the invoices that advanced for the Adwana I didn't complain, though, I know better So I sent them Number two, they wrote back stating that all of the items combined were over 200 bucks And that I had to nevertheless pay the fee No other explanation He says, Johnny, I don't know why But I'm tempted to send them all my historic invoices And point out all the times they charged me Adwana fees For items under 200 bucks For example, I have a single invoice for an item that is 50 bucks

[24:25] And it has an Adwana fee I know this is futile Like pissing in the wind Which, by the way, is a saying I never quite understood He says, Johnny, I don't expect to get my money back I'm not sure what I expect from such an endeavor But just something in my gut says Compile the data and send it Hmm, yeah, Mr. K You know, we've all got stories like that You know, living here in the third world, lots of things just don't go as planned In fact, just lately I'm hearing all kinds of horror stories From people who are sending a full container of household items down You know, there's lots of gringles and expats with a plan B Who don't want to buy all new stuff once they get down here So they ship down a container or a half a container, you know, a 20 footer? Well, that used to be pretty easy

[25:11] The shipping company would take care of everything But now layer upon layer of Latino bureaucracy is making that pretty difficult too So I don't recommend sending down a container Even though, for example, in Panama and Guatemala Once you get your residency, you're allowed to ship a full container of household items down With no Adwana charges Even though that sounds great, I don't recommend it You'll find it's not worth the hassle Plus, the quote the shipping company will give you Around $3,000 to ship from Miami to Guatemala, let's say Or Costa Rica or Panama will not be the final cost You'll have to pay storage fees and customs, brokerage fees Just a lot of other crap could end up costing you $5,000 to ship a container down So just think about how many items of furniture, etc

[25:58] You could buy directly when you get down here for 5 grand So you see, you're probably better off selling your junk in a rummage sale up north And buying new or even used once you get down here By the way, there are lots of these gringo expat fake book sites Which I dislike, I'm not on any of them Anyway, there are always gringos and expats on those sites Who've decided to move back to Cincinnati or whatever So they're selling all their stuff And that's a golden opportunity for you to buy Generally, they're a bit desperate to sell and you get the cash And finally, since St. Valentine's Day is over Turns out in Mexico that Nuevo Loredo Zoo is making hay Off of people who are just terrible with romantic relationships They had a great deal going for people who had a bitter taste in their mouth for Valentine's Day

[26:46] Turns out, at the Nuevo Loredo Zoo, you could sign up to have a cockroach, a cucaracha Named after an ex-lover or ex-boyfriend or girlfriend You could buy one of those big ugly things and they've got some big ones down there And once you tagged it, you could feed it to certain designated animals at the zoo Man, I hate cucaraches Especially those big ass ones that look like a Volkswagen Beetle that's just driven through a pile of shit When I was living up in Chicago in my formative years I never once had a cucaracha in my house Of course, I saw a few in other people's houses But they were small little things, no bigger than a vitamin pill But down here, man, they've got some cucaraches, flying cucaraches That absolutely looked like they came from Jurassic Park God, I hate those things, you never get used to them

[27:52] You need to get a 2 to 5 year head start on your Plan B Send me an email to expatfiles at gmail.com No spamos!