#1519 – Expat Bubbles, Bad Construction & Dating Abroad

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came out to play and now as I wonder Hello there all you ex-pat wannabes. I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America The show that tells you just what it's like to live work play and or retire down here in Latin America It's a mix of the good the bad the ugly and the great and it's all right here. So let's get started God, you know, I've got all these emails and so little time to share the really interesting ones So today I'll try to get through as many as I can Without digressing too much which I tend to do so let's get to it and some of this stuff

[00:45] By the way is really gonna piss you off. The first one comes from Alec in Panama. He says Johnny You're so right about those terrible expat Facebook sites you advise newbie expats to seriously avoid man We're full up with those sites here in Panama just full of woke stairs busy bodies and know it all He says I started out at the very beginning of my expat journey hooking up with the fake book expat sites Thinking they had tremendous insight into living in Latin America that me as a green gringo Would take years to possess otherwise The impression is they'll give you a big head start and some confidence to little did I know at first? He says it was great connecting with other expats who had answers to every question

[01:31] I could possibly ask but as time went on I saw seriously disturbing trends and I totally changed my opinion about their so-called wisdom Even when I first started having doubts, I was determined to stay with it and make it work for me I thought but it didn't work. It kept me in a particular gringo bubble. I just couldn't get out a bubble of dependencies on those fake book sites That is dependency on everybody else's opinion and the people behind those sites and opinions I had no idea who they were or why I should trust them Many were just trying to sell something or creating an image of being a know-it-all and of course most all of them would throw In digs on Trump. I'm not necessarily a Trump lover myself I like you Johnny don't vote because if you do you're giving a vote of confidence to a system

[02:19] You don't really believe in anymore Listen when you're a newbie gringo and you go to one of those Facebook expat sites You want info about your new country? The last thing you want to hear is someone paddling on about their political opinions about a place they left Anyhow, I found myself depending on so-called experts. I didn't even know Never met personally and people who didn't even know Spanish and now I'm totally off those sites and all social media except What's up because as you know, what's up is the grease that makes the wheels move in Latin America And if you're not on it, yeah might as well join a monastery He says I initially ditch those fake book sites mainly because most of the opinionated people and know-it-alls on those groups Just turned me up. I discovered once you're on them and sort of addicted

[03:05] They start giving you way much more than I actually wanted to know or hear or see of them and now that I'm totally off I hope I'll never run into any of those guys on the street It still puzzles me though Why so many of those fake book Bloveeators even moved down here to Latin America in the first place though I get that you could find by circumstance You could be kind of a junior celebrity in a small way if you start posting on the expat fake book sites Everyone wants to be noticed. Everyone wants to be a star especially within that libtard socialism promoting gringle community that I for one was Lucky to escape again. I asked these guys. Why did you even come down here? When you could have stayed in your sanctuary cities in, California, Minnesota, Washington state, etc, etc

[03:53] All right. Next comes this email from Leon. He says Johnny by the way He says he's been living in panachal Guatemala for the last four years. Yes, Leon panachal I know it. Well Anyway, Leon says you referenced rats nests of power lines as a designation. You are in the third world Well, here's my list of not so obvious clues that you really are in the third world See if any of this stuff rings a bell He says any country without a post office and regular mail is the third world Any country where you ask five people the same question and get five different answers is the third world any country where government? Rules and regulations change on a daily basis And are enforced when they feel like it is the third world He says any country where you get your hot water and cooking gas from a propane tank is the third world

[04:42] He says any country where you call 911 and no one answers is the third world And any country where folks can walk around with razor-sharp machetes almost as tall as they are is the third world Yeah, yeah, leon johnny here, you know, I get that especially since you're living kind of in the boonies in guadamala Panachal is sort of out in the boonies. It's a decent sized town. All right I'm thinking maybe 10,000 people but 10 minutes outside of town in any direction and man you're in the boonies But you're right about those guys in the boonies wielding machetes Indigenous folks out in the compo really love their machetes. They take great pride in them Oh an indigenous women man, they can wield a machete too. Make no mistake But oddly enough machetes are almost never used to commit a crime

[05:29] Aside from crimes of passion. Yep It's a fairly common thing to read about how some guy hacked up another guy who was cheating with his wife or girlfriend And sometimes the wife or girlfriend will get herself hacked up too Or she'll do the hacking and fuck up her abusive husband or boyfriend But back to leon's email. He says speaking of razor-sharp machetes Any country where everyone personally knows someone who has been stung by a scorpion or bitten by a snake Is in the third world any country where you can pay a cop? 20 bucks to get out of a ticket is the third world leon says any country where you can buy a single cigarette at a corner store Or have to pay some random guy on the street a buck to watch your car Is the third world then he says any country where you can have a funeral in your living room complete with dead bodies

[06:19] Is the third world and finally he says you're in the third world when the government has made an effort to carve out bike paths But there are no bikes. Instead those bike lanes are filled with motorcycles buses and taxis Okay leon thanks for that by the way speaking of only in the third world Another thing I personally noticed right away as soon as I got a gardener and a cleaning lady I noticed that when i'd throw things in the garbage a broken drill a paintbrush that was way too used toasters headphones earbuds that no longer work properly a towel or shirt with a permanent stain I noticed that stuff would start disappearing out of my garbage In other words before the garbage hit the curb my maintenance guy and cleaning lady would go through that stuff

[07:07] And pick out a few things In fact i'm sure I told you you long-time listeners might remember this that when you first hire a cleaning lady If she's an experienced cleaning lady, in other words, you're not her first boss When she's done for the day and you let her out the door She will stop and open her purse and let you rifle through it, which I'd never do But she will shove it in your face. So you peer into it. Anyway, of course They do that because their previous boss lady usually it's the lady of the house in charge of the cleaning lady She'll be at the door when the cleaning lady leaves checking her purse to see that she hasn't stolen anything Now i'll tell you for gringles and expats down here when that first happens It's an embarrassing situation. First of all newbie gringles and expats who first get a cleaning lady rarely speak spanish So communication even with the simplest of things is not easy

[07:54] So when she leaves and shoves her purse in your face She stands there looking at you purse wide open as if to say Your move boss check it out. I'm clean. Well, let me tell you i've been in that situation a number of times And it's just not comfortable. Now as for my present cleaning lady, I guess i've had her over five years now Of course, she doesn't pull that stunt at the door anymore. She hasn't for years early on I said, no No, that's not necessary. That is once I had some confidence in her But still get this five years later on occasion when she's going out the door She will pull something out of her purse and show it to me something that I threw in the garbage and she'll say You threw this in the garbage. Is it okay if I have this? And in the moment you feel just a tinge of embarrassment, too

[08:39] It's a very stark reminder that your life and her life are very different Which reminds me of another third world tell-all for gringles and expats. I know I know I said I wouldn't digress But you know, sometimes you just can't help yourself Anyway here in latin america people have a very bad habit of not following directions Case in point just walk into any latin american's house and look at the shelf that's mounted on the wall Now even a crap press board shelf from ikea will have four mounting screws to attach it to the wall But latinos as a rule will not put in four screws. They'll put in two You gotta wonder what are they thinking? There's four holes for a reason and yes, it will hold for a while for months even years But eventually the unit will pull away from the wall little by little and that bad habit of poorly securing things that need to have

[09:30] Solid mounts doesn't just apply to shelving and bookcases and furniture Same thing goes for when they fix a car or a tv or microwave They'll fix or replace parts and leave out a few bolts or screws I notice this all the time when i'm fixing a ceiling fan or mounting a light the same big problem When something is supposed to be mounted with four screws the latino who mounted the thing will routinely only use two That's why practically every latino can tell you a story Concerning a friend or relative or even himself Where they or he were sitting in the living room or laying in bed and the ceiling fan or light fixture came crashing down Same thing goes for electrical panels and breaker boxes. I'm always rewiring something or another Changing out wires and cables and I used to be surprised but not anymore

[10:18] How poorly and inadequately and against code those things are mounted That even goes for the way people mount sinks and toilets You know a toilet is supposed to be bolted down to the floor In fact, if you look in the back of any toilet base, you'll see there are two openings for two Protuning screws that are supposed to be fastened to the floor Well, the fact is i'd say more than half of the toilets in latin america don't use those screws at all Instead they just slap down a bunch of plumber's cement squish the toilet down and hope for the best and yes It does work for a while often for years But it's the wrong way to do things and it'll never last as long as if you use those screws So why don't they leave that step out? It's an important step too because it takes extra work You have to create an opening for a ring that costs about five bucks that you cement or screw into the floor

[11:08] Beforehand and that ring is the floor connection for those two screws So the installer saves himself about half an hour's work and five bucks Just another one of those thousands of third world construction shortcuts The thing is you never know it by using or just looking at the toilet Because no one sticks their head around the back side of the toilet looking for those screws Anyway, that's the third world way of doing things and to the average latino plumber who makes maybe 20 or 25 bucks a day Saving five bucks on a toilet install is part of the game plan. Anyway, who's checking? No one Well, except certain anal guys like me pun intended. Oh, and there's another thing here in latin america That certainly could drive you nuts if you were someone who moved down here to latin america and bought an older house

[11:53] Obviously in a brand new house, everything looks nice and sharp and squeaky clean Well sort of but what about a house? That's let's say 30 years old even 20 or 10 years old. Here's the problem If you decide to replace or redo anything Let's say you're going to put new lamp fixtures in the house ceiling mount or wall mounted fixtures First thing you'll notice as you pull those things off the wall is that the screws are all rusted Some of them rusted solid to the base. Now, of course that doesn't happen overnight They use brand new screws when they first install them problem is they use cheap regular steel screws That in the temperature and humidity of the tropics will end up rusting within a year or two And they keep rusting and after 10 20 30 years Oftentimes they're so rusted you can't even get a philips head grip on them often just breaking or crumbling now

[12:41] The obvious answer is to use stainless steel screws But they cost twice or three times as much as a regular screw And though you might find them at a hardware store all the sizes and shapes are not available Why because there's no demand now as for me, I bought an entire vast assortment of screws washers and bolts All stainless steel on amazon. So in my workshop i'm super prepared So anytime I have a project or replace something even a picture on the wall I reach for a stainless steel screw Meanwhile, I don't know of a single latin american builder contractor or installer who even has a stainless steel screw or screws in his toolbox In fact, I just had a company replace some aluminum sliding windows. They were Not sliding. Well anymore the rollers and mechanisms were all riding out

[13:30] Why because the roller mechanisms were fastened with regular steel screws and the windows which were put in Around the year 2000 about 25 26 years ago just seized up. In other words, it wouldn't roll anymore And with no replacement parts, that's 25 26 years ago Now I had them removed and new ones put in and guess what the idiots installed those windows with rollers With steel screws again, and I was there with my box of stainless steel screws and they used them without a complaint But do you think they would have learned from that experience? No Now it might be that if you move down here that stuff really doesn't matter to you Hell if you're sliding windows or patio doors last 10 years before they seize up Well, maybe you'll have moved out of that place by then or into another one

[14:17] But me having been an engineer in a past life that sort of stuff irritates and wears on me Then again, I won't put up a fuss if a toilet's been cemented and not bolted to the floor When you gotta go you gotta go which brings us to another interesting observation about the world in general Now for all you gringos the next past listen in here If I mention a country any country in the world, it usually instantly reminds you or us about something, right? For example, if I say italy you're thinking the vatican pizza ferrari the mafia Maybe anyway when you mention a country any country general images pop up in our minds Pretty much the same general ones. Like for example, you say holland Most people think windmills or if you're the artsy type vermeer and the dutch masters

[15:04] You mention france among your buddies and they'll think apple tower mona lisa chrisants champagne women with hairy armpits and muslim invasion Or not same thing goes if you mention a latin american country Like for example mexico in most people conjures up images of tacos tortillas nachos and narcos You get the idea, but let me ask you this What do you think of when I mentioned the country of peru? Well, isn't it funny? Almost everyone says machu pichu and the more savvy might say the nascar lines But with most gringo travelers, anyway When you think peru it conjures up images those traveling bands of musicians Playing those same monotonous boring songs on their little flutes You gotta wonder how those little bands of mediocre music makers infiltrated every central park in the world

[15:54] Now, isn't that the oddest thing everywhere you go in the world, you could be in vienna or budapest berlin prague Melbourne australia practically any place in the world you'll find a central park where there's some kind of tourism There'll be bands of no talent peruvians set up with a keyboard a tiny speaker system wearing those colorful indigenous outfits And a couple of guys blasting away the same stupid songs on those little hand flutes And isn't it funny how after they passed the hat they've got cds to sell with the same monotonous songs A thousand other peruvian bands across the world They're hawking at 10 bucks a pop in practically every central park around the world two stupid tourists who should know better Now here's the amazing part practically no first world person has a cd player anymore

[16:41] And even if they did once they get home from vacation, they'll never ever play that cd Come on. Tell me i'm wrong Now my question has always been where do these guys sleep at night those little peruvian bands and all their equipment Yeah, one of the mysteries of life, huh crazier yet. How do they get visas to travel the globe? How do they afford the airfare? I mean, hey, they've got to fly to europe or canada or australia. You can't walk there from peru Yep, one of the confounding mysteries of life enough said about that. Let's get back to the email pile This one's from jamie in new jersey By the way jamie down here in latin america. They don't pronounce your name jamie. They pronounce it. Hi me. The j is like an h

[17:28] Did you know that anyway? He says johnny i've got some advice on how to avoid gold diggers in the united states As for dating american girls i've been royally screwed by two different girls online Taken to the cleaners you could say some of them seem to be very good at it But karma will take its toll You see for most american gold diggers the game will end sooner or later For they will age out and I see many of them ending up sooner or later as cat ladies I get it He says i've had so much bad luck with american girls on those dating sites that i'm ready to take the leap Take a chance on latina girls But not the ones whose profiles show them in slinky clothes and bikinis

[18:13] Nor the ones with the three inch rhinestone studded fingernails That's a big red flag for me a girl would have to sit around all day doing nothing to keep her nails that way I don't want a girl whose purpose in life is to look good on social media Jamie goes on to say it may seem like i'm licking my wounds after being stung twice Maybe i'm jaded but looking back what I should have done when I was on those american dating sites I should have started off by saying on my dating profile that the non-negotiables Were that the woman needs to have a credit score above 750 With no debt student loans or otherwise Having a car payment though is pretty normal though She must hold down a job and pay her own rent. How many girls on those online dating sites can say that?

[19:01] Oh and another dating profile non-negotiable I should have stated was that I don't and won't Support another guy's kids and johnny. I know latina dating sites are filled with landmines as well But after getting stung more than once on those american dating sites I'm smarter now. I hope signed jamie in new jersey 42 and still bleeding out All right jamie. Thanks for that johnny here All I can say to that is I don't recommend any dating sites anymore They're just full of bots and gold diggers and professional liars Well, my advice is to come down here to latin america and actually walk around do some shopping Hit the big malls get out and about and stay off the dating websites

[19:48] But if you must There is one positive to being down here on one of those dating sites when you post on your dating profile That you are living in a particular latin american city You can limit your search to ladies living in your general area ladies. You can actually meet up with for a cup of coffee Sure, there'll be plenty of gold diggers out to scam you But when you meet a person face to face at a coffee shop It won't take long to size them up. The problem is though when I see this with so many gringos down here They're blindsided by a young pretty face The kind of girl that could never hope to have interested in them when they simply rated themselves a three four or five back in cleveland That's how so many newbie gringo expats get scammed now the average american girl when she hears statements like that She says good those stupid gringo guys deserve to be scammed by gold diggers

[20:37] They're just getting what they deserve and you know in some ways they're right Some guys do deserve to get scammed But as haimi points out once you've been scammed a time or two You do learn maybe All right. Speaking of gold diggers. It seems to be a subject on top of the list for gringos the next pass We've got louis whose dad is a gringo ex-military and his mother from columbia He's one of those military brats who lived in about 20 countries, you know dad being Stationed all around the world. That's how his dad met his mom the columbian Anyway louis lives in texas. He says johnny by the way my father An american from california always said don't marry the woman you love marry the woman that loves you And no one can love a man like a latina can that's what my dad said words of wisdom

[21:25] And he married my mother in the 1980s before the internet before cupid and dating sites He met her when he was stationed down in columbia. So my father's words of wisdom were so right He said no one can love a man like a latina can But he also said don't mistake attention for love He said gold diggers will be super attentive. That's something he said happened to many of his military buddies Gold diggers he said will be super attentive at first, but soon enough you get the feeling it's a performance And some guys like that performance and hang on to it Knowing that it's not going to be permanent though permanence is what she's looking for. That's why she'll try to have your kid He also said to attract a beautiful smart woman. You don't have to be tall rich or handsome

[22:14] But if you're up in the united states, you better be at least two of those things However, he said for a gringo in latin america You're already assumed to have at least two of those things by virtue of the fact that you are an american gringo You're taller than the locals and obviously rich or two Even he said on your crappy military pay So he said in latin america You pretty much automatically get two of those things height because you've got two to four inches over the average latino and perceived wealth That's the gringo advantage whether you have dough or not Lewis says look at it this way latinas and latinos know that just the fact that you can afford a vacation in a nice Hotel or airbnb in a latin country Meaning you took a flight to get there that puts you in a wealth category that only about five percent

[22:59] Of adult latin men and women can possibly swing only one in 20 adult latinos could take a vacation by air to a foreign country All right switching gears. Here's a little news article you might be interested in since I do get lots of emails from people asking me about critters Bugs reptiles, etc, etc And should you be on the lookout for that stuff once you get down here? Well in a word Yes, you're going to see many more varieties of critters You don't necessarily want to get too close to or mix with the question is what do you do about it? When they're in and around your house now if you're living in a city It's just basically the usual oversized ugly looking insect here and there but when you're out in the boonies or in the suburbs You know, you're always in that fight with nature nature tries to take over everything, right? And it will if you don't fight back for example, here's an article from one of the larger

[23:47] South american news services the article's title is scary. It says boa constrictors invade guaya kill equador It says officials are warning guaya kill residents to be on the alert for boa constrictors Although the snake is native to the coastal regions of equador recent rains have forced many of them from their native habitat to residential areas In recent days more than a dozen boas have been removed from homes in western and northern guaya According to fire department reports seven other boas have been found In houses in nearby duran by the way boa constrictors can grow to a length of nine meters That's about 30 feet But thankfully the largest boa removed in recent days by authorities in guaya kill measured only five meters

[24:36] That's about 18 feet long now, you know constrictors don't bite. They squeeze sounds scary, huh? But should we be worried? Nope Because in fact the yearly fatality from boa constrictors in latin america is effectively zero in most years There are almost no cases of people being killed But there are well-documented cases of boa constrictors killing the family dog Who just happens to run up and bark and antagonize the snake? So forget about boas being lethal. They're ugly and they're big and naturally give you the creeps You don't want to get up to pee at two in the morning and find one hanging out in your shower stall But it's the venomous snakes the much smaller ones that Kill roughly three to four hundred people a year across latin america

[25:24] In fact on a much earlier show I mentioned my long-time maintenance guy in guadamala a little indigenous guy named cheppy Great with machete and his was super sharp In fact, he told me his uncle died of snake bite and that everybody he knows all his indigenous buddies, etc Knows of someone family member or friend who kicked the bucket from a snake bite. That's because it's out in the boonies out in the compo These guys clear overgrown fields with machetes and occasionally stumble on a venomous snake or a nest of them And after you're bitten by a potent one, you've got maybe three or four hours to get anti-venom Which every big hospital in latin america stocks, but when you're out in the boonies and there's no transportation to a hospital That's maybe three to six hours away. You can see the problem

[26:11] Oh by the way, my maintenance guy cheppy told me His favorite uncle died after he disturbed a wasp's nest with his machete Man, what a way to go Fact is for years. I lived out in the boonies Had a really nice house in a gated guarded community and there were about three lots in a row next to me that were empty Lots of brush and big trees though, etc And I remember once walking through the far lot About a block and a half away from my house When I suddenly heard this ungodly sort of buzzing and I realized straight ahead. There was a huge Wasp's nest attached to a big old tree and even a hundred feet away from it You could hear this ungodly buzzing sound of thousands and thousands of wasps or bees whatever they were

[26:57] I didn't get close enough to find out and of course, they don't bother you unless you bother them So that's just something you'll come across occasionally when you're walking through the brush out in the boonies Oh and one last thing speaking of self-improvement. I have a latino friend who is a trainer at a gym Now I don't go to the gym. I have one of my own at home But I asked him for advice as to how to use the machines Of course, he said the obvious depends on where you want to gain strength and which muscles you want to emphasize Though he said if your idea is to attract women The best machine to use is the atm machine You've been listening to the expat files living in latin america If you need some help with your own plan b we can schedule a one-on-one phone or skype consult Just send me an email the expat files at gmail.com

[27:45] And if you want to get on the waiting list for my next week long expat insider seminar in central america Where you're guaranteed to get a two to five year head start on your plan b Send me an email the expat files at gmail.com No spambos