Episode Summary
In this episode of The Expat Files, Johnny Mueller provides an honest and candid look at expat life in Latin America, covering a wide range of topics from business ventures to safety concerns and legal nuances. The episode begins with an introduction to the podcast, highlighting its focus on providing a realistic perspective on living, working, and retiring in the region. Johnny contrasts his approach with the idealized versions often presented in travel magazines and websites.
The segment then shifts to discussing expat Eddie's experiences, particularly his attempt to start a bar and restaurant business in El Salvador. Johnny highlights the common pitfalls of such ventures, especially in the first world, and contrasts that with the opportunities in Latin America. He also addresses concerns about crime in the region, noting that while there are issues, they are often exaggerated and not representative of the entire region. He specifically discusses Colombia's drug war and its impact, emphasizing that the violence primarily affects non-civilian groups rather than the average citizen.
Johnny then delves into the safety situation in Colombia, contrasting the media's portrayal with the reality experienced by locals. He argues that the average person in Colombia is not affected by the violence often reported in the news, and that the country has become significantly safer over the past 15-20 years. He also addresses the common misconceptions about Colombia being dangerous for expats, suggesting that the real risks are for high-profile individuals and that expats should feel safe if they are low profile. He recommends visiting Colombia, particularly Cartagena, as a safe and accessible location for tourists and expats, and briefly mentions Mexico's Yucatan Peninsula as a safer alternative.
The segment then discusses Eddie's experiences with employee theft in his businesses, highlighting the types of items that are commonly stolen, such as toilet paper, soap, and other household items. Eddie has implemented measures like infrared dispensers to reduce theft. The segment then transitions to a story about Eddie encountering a robber at a gas station, where he uses a calm and strategic approach to avoid confrontation.
The podcast segment recounts an incident where Eddie, a character in the story, is robbed by a man who attempts to steal a stack of DVDs. Eddie, armed with a concealed gun, successfully deters the thief, who flees with the DVDs. Eddie then shares the story with Johnny, the narrator, who is revealed to be in the passenger seat. The segment also discusses the legal aspects of carrying guns in Latin America, emphasizing that expats can legally carry concealed weapons if they have residency or are in the process of obtaining it. It touches on the challenges of maintaining residency and the use of anonymous corporations for business purposes.
In another segment, Johnny Mueller discusses the process of setting up anonymous corporations in Latin America, emphasizing that it's possible without being a resident or even stepping foot in the country. He outlines the costs involved, ranging from $800 to $2,000 for setup and $200 to $500 annually for maintenance, and mentions that lawyers often have accountants on staff to handle the paperwork. He then shifts focus to gun ownership in the region, noting that buying guns locally is more practical than importing them from the U.S., which involves extensive paperwork and fees. However, guns in Latin America are heavily taxed, and there's a unique process of ballistics testing to register guns, which is also used for forensic purposes. Despite significant investment in ballistics systems, Johnny highlights that these systems have not been effective in solving crimes, leading to criticism of the inefficiency of local law enforcement.
The segment then discusses the state of crime in Latin America, highlighting the low success rates of police departments and the impact on the region's criminal landscape. Johnny then shifts focus to the growing presence of Chinese investors in Panama, particularly in the hospitality and entertainment sectors. He shares insights from his friend Eddie, who encountered Chinese investors and entrepreneurs in Panama, including a Chinese man who had already invested in strip clubs and massage parlors. The discussion reveals how the legal framework in Panama allows for the operation of these industries, including the regulation of prostitution through a pink card system that ensures compliance with health and legal standards.
Finally, the segment discusses the dynamics of massage parlors in Panama and Costa Rica, where Colombian girls staff the night shifts while local girls, such as Panamanian and Costa Rican women, work the morning shifts. These local girls often tell their husbands they have regular day jobs, which they claim pay well, even though the actual work is in massage parlors. The segment also mentions that during the day, massage parlors are frequented by foreign tourists and businesspeople, which helps explain why local women aren't embarrassed to work there. The segment then shifts to a humorous anecdote about Eddie's girlfriend, who is described as having a Latina temper and the ability to make Lorena Bobbitt look like an amateur. It concludes with a reminder to visit The Expat Files website for more information.
Topics
Introduction to The Expat Files podcast, Johnny Mueller's approach to discussing expat experiences, Expat Eddie's business ventures in El Salvador, Common pitfalls of starting a restaurant/bar business in the first world, Discussion on crime and safety in Latin America, Colombia's drug war and its impact on the region, Safety in Colombia, Media portrayal vs. reality, Expatriate experiences, Travel recommendations, Crime statistics in Latin America, Employee theft in businesses run by expats in Latin America
Chapters
00:00:00 Opening 00:00:13 Johnny Mueller's Approach to Discussing Expat Experiences 00:00:24 Discussion on Expat Eddie's Business Ventures in El Salvador 00:01:34 Discussion on Crime and Safety in Latin America 00:04:12 Colombia's Drug War and Its Impact on the Region 00:04:57 The Reality of Violence in Colombia 00:06:12 Colombia's Improved Safety 00:07:10 Recommendations for Travelers 00:09:14 Introduction to Eddie's Experiences with Theft 00:09:48 Eddie's Insight on Employee Theft 00:11:02 Eddie's Encounter with a Robber 00:13:22 The Robbery Begins: Eddie's Encounter with a Thief 00:14:26 The Moral of the Story: Blend In and Stay Low Profile 00:18:30 Cost of Setting Up a Corporation in Latin America 00:19:23 Buying Guns Locally in Latin America 00:19:39 Ballistics Testing and Forensic Use in Latin America 00:22:03 Crime in Latin America and Police Inefficiency 00:23:12 Chinese Investors in Panama and Their Impact 00:25:11 Prostitution and Regulation in Panama 00:25:58 Staffing Dynamics in Massage Parlors in Panama and Costa Rica 00:26:33 Economic Incentives for Women Working in Massage Parlors 00:27:04 Eddie's Girlfriend and the Latina Temper
Transcript
Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.
[00:03] Hi everybody, I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America. The show that tells you what it's really like to live, work, play and or retire in Latin America. I tell it just like it is, not the version they give you in those glossy travel magazines or the picture they paint for you in those international traveler websites where they're only trying to sell you something. What's it really like for expats living in Latin America? Well, if you stick around a while you'll find out, so let's get started. In response to all the emails I've been getting about expat Eddie and his successes and failures in life, his failures being up in the first world before he came down and his unexpected windfall success down here in Latin America, specifically in the bar and restaurant business
[00:48] in El Salvador. Now, as most of you probably know, those of you are in business for yourself, the restaurant bar and hospitality businesses are most frequently attempted as startup businesses. At one time or another, everyone thinks they can pull something like that off. It's kind of universal. Men want to open a bar, usually a sports bar, and women want to start restaurants or beauty parlors. Those kind of businesses seem to be on the top of the list for people who are amateur chefs and people who don't want to work for anyone else, they want their own business. Though if you open businesses like that up in the first world, unless you have a better mousetrap or a really good hook, or you buy into an expensive franchise that has a good chance of succeeding, it's usually the kiss of death. Up in the first world, sometimes I think people are deluded when they go into businesses like that. Look around you.
[01:34] Statistically, worldwide, the bar, restaurant, and hospitality businesses have by far the worst startup failure rates too. Because anybody with a few bucks and an idea can get into a business like that. You don't have to have a business degree or an MBA, or a government sanctioned license of any kind like an engineer or an architect, or even a visiting nurse. Hell, even someone opening a beauty parlor needs to get a 6 month or a year cosmetology degree now, don't they? But you really don't need any of that in the hotel, restaurant, or the hospitality business. Though I guess a degree in hotel management or food services might help. Neither of which expat Eddie had when he came down here to Latin America, all he had was a string of losses up in the states and 5 grand that his mom gave him. Now for all of you who've been listening to my show for quite a while, you know that expat
[02:20] Eddie has a trailer court pedigree. In other words, lower middle class and even a notch below that. He didn't grow up with too many niceties in life. Us middle class guys had things much better than Eddie. We had little perks we didn't even know he had, until we met guys like Eddie and they explained what their childhoods were like. So Eddie grew up in the rough and tumble world of the lower middle class. And when you're from that lower socioeconomic class, you don't back down from fights. And Eddie tells me the worst thing you could do when you were growing up as a kid in a trailer park was to back down from challenges and dares. Which was why when Eddie was at a shell station in El Salvador a few weeks ago and some guy tried to rob him, well it didn't quite turn out the way the robber planned it. Now I have to tell you, I do get an awful lot of emails too about people who want to
[03:07] know about the crime down here in Latin America. I mean all you have to do is open up the newspaper up in the first world and you're going to see report after report of kidnappings and murders and bombings and you read about this stuff happening most exclusively in two places, Mexico and Colombia. Now Colombia I can understand, it's kind of a special case. There's a big drug war going on there and the United States has troops on the soil, whether you believe it or not, even though they're called advisors. But you see all that drug violence you read about in Colombia is about 10% of what it was 15 or 20 years ago during the Pablo Escobar days. Sure, Colombia still got a lot of cocoa plants growing in the outback and the only reason for that is because the price of cocoa plant harvesting is about two to three times more valuable than growing things like sugar or corn or tobacco.
[03:54] So most of those little small time farmers in the boonies have their little crops of tomatoes and corn and watermelon and stuff along with a little patch of cocoa plants. Which for them really pays the bills. And that notorious group called the FARC, that revolutionary army out in the sticks, well guess what, that's how they make their money too. By harvesting those plants from the small time farmers, paying them three times what the sugar cane or pineapple crop would bring in, then processing those raw cocoa plant leaves into cocaine. And all of that's done way in the interior of the country, in the jungles and way off the beaten path. And you got to remember, Colombia is almost twice the size of Texas, so you got hundreds of thousands of places to hide. So anyway, you got that stupid, unwinnable drug war, financed by you the US taxpayers by the way, and that's been going on for 30 or 40 years now.
[04:43] And nothing seems to change except this. The people who get kidnapped, shot, murdered and blown up are not civilians. The working class population of Colombia, it's the narcos, the FARC, the cops and the military that are taking the hits. The average man in Colombia has no worries or fears at all. Just go down there and ask somebody who works at a bank or somebody who's on the street or someone who works in a shoe store, ask them about all the violence in the shootouts and stuff, and they'll say, well, you know, yeah, I guess that happens here, but I never see any of it. My neighborhood's pretty quiet. Yes, that's the key phrase down here. My neighborhood's pretty quiet. You know, it reminds me of the first world news. Every day on the internet or on Yahoo news or whatever, there's some guy that goes to work or goes to a McDonald's or goes into a school and shoots three or four people.
[05:30] I mean, you even hear about that happening in Europe from time to time. But if you ask the average person in the street, in the States or in Europe, what they think about stories like that, I mean, they're happening almost every day. People say, you know, I guess that does happen. Yeah, I read about it in the paper too, but my neighborhood's pretty safe. That is, unless you happen to live in one of those rotten areas of the States in one of those big city ghettos that look like they've been bombed out. You know, in Boston, Newark, New York, LA, Chicago. But you know, even in those bombed out ghetto slums, people have a choice. They live there by choice. They could move. But that's another subject. So the bottom line is all that stuff you hear about Colombia these days. And there's no news like bad news. And the media likes to play up all those drug war casualties. But still, Colombia is about 90% safer than it was 15 or 20 years ago.
[06:17] Back then, the guy in the street was worried about his neighborhood going to crap. But these days, everybody, and I mean everybody, notices a huge improvement. Everybody, of course, except the first world media. But you know, that's all good for us expats and expat wannabes. Because like I always say, Latins love gringos. And when we go somewhere, we're always treated like minor rock stars, whether you want to believe that or not. Of course, not in the tourist districts. And Colombia is way off the tourist trail. As a matter of fact, if you know anyone, any of your personal friends, that happen to be big travelers, even world class travelers, ask them if they've ever been to Latin America. And if they're world class travelers, they'll say yes. Then ask them where they've been. And I'll bet you at 10 to 1, they've never been to Colombia. Even first world people who travel a great deal,
[07:02] believe the old hype about Colombia back in the Pablo Escobar days. And they're hesitant, even afraid, to take the plunge. Well, here's what I say. Just go down to your travel agency and book a package tour, if you can get one, to Cartagena, Colombia. Which is, by the way, the closest you're going to get to the tourist trail in Colombia. And that's not the gringo tourist trail. That's the European and Latin American tourist trail. Because you'll find if you run into tourists in Cartagena, and you will, the ones that speak English won't be from Newark or Cleveland. They'll be from England, Germany, Italy, or Spain. And the idea that you, a North American, is going to get targeted as an extortion or kidnapping victim. Well, to all you guys, I say you've been watching too many B grade movies. Because if you're down here in Colombia as a low profile tourist or expat,
[07:47] like I recommend, you're just not going to stand out in the crowd. The kidnappers and extortionists in any Latin American country target the high rollers. The people with the expensive SUVs and the Rolexes and the designer luggage. You know, the flashy types. The ones that like to show everyone else around them how important they are by what they have. And guess what? Nearly all expats and world travelers know better than that. But you see, wealthy Latins are all caught up in that game of keeping up with the Joneses. Or keeping up with the Hernandezes or the Gonzalezes. So when there's a kidnapping or an extortion thing going down, guess what? The victim is almost always a wealthy Latin person or their kid. And 95% of the time, it's a bodyguard or a disgruntled employee who set the thing up. And of course, the other Latin country that gets that bad press, and deservedly so, is Mexico.
[08:35] And all I can say about that is, go there, live there, and invest there at your own risk. Though I do have to say that there is still one little section of Mexico that is still nice, reasonable, and safe. And I spoke a little bit about that in a previous show. And that's the Yucatan Peninsula. That little area to the southeast where Cancun and Playa del Carmen and Tulum happen to run along that Caribbean coast highway that goes down straight to Belize. That's where I'd go. In fact, the only place I'd go if I chose to live in Mexico. So anyway, down here in Latin America, wherever you are, when you get together with a bunch of expats that have been down here a long time, you do hear those stories about robberies and robbery attempts. And Expat Eddie, owning the number of businesses that he has down here, has his stories of being ripped off too. But almost all of his stories are very petty.
[09:22] Employee theft and stuff, but that goes on everywhere, you know? And down here, like Eddie says, the employees don't steal money from him because everybody's checking the register and he's got pretty good controls on that. What they do steal are things that they can use around the house, like Windex and Ajax and bottles of ketchup and mustard and stuff, sugar packets, pats of butter, you know, stuff that you and I would swipe from all night restaurants when we lived in college dorms. Or not. And Eddie says, you know the number one thing that employees steal? Toilet paper. And that's why it's kind of routine now for Eddie and all his friends that have businesses to insist on a quick look at the purse or the backpack, or what they call the muchila down here, when the shift changes or the employees go home for a day. But that doesn't matter, Eddie says. His workers still occasionally try to steal that toilet paper.
[10:09] And for a long time, Eddie had trouble keeping paper towels in stock in his bathrooms too. So he decided to go even more first world and switch over to those infrared hand towel dispensers, you know, where you stick your hand in front of the red light and it automatically ejects out about a square foot of paper at a time and then it stops, you have to wait and stick your hand in front of it again. You know what I'm talking about. So Eddie bought some of those for some of his restaurants and he bought some of those infrared activated soap dispensers too because he was losing a lot of those pump hand soap dispensers. And like he said, it was a lot more expensive at first to switch over, but he saves a hell of a lot on refills. Because you see, before Eddie installed that stuff, his workers would take a Ziploc bag, pump liquid soap into it, seal it up again and put it in their pocket when they leave. And Eddie said, you know, he didn't catch on for a while,
[10:56] though he did remember seeing some workers that looked like they'd peed in their pants. Faulty Ziploc bag, right? So anyway, here's what happened to Eddie a week or two ago. He was on his way to make a deposit at the bank and he stopped at a shell station to get some gas. Now, like I said, one of Eddie's few over the top vices is that he likes to drive a very nice car, even though I always tell him he's nuts for doing it. In fact, Eddie has a Porsche Boxster as one of his fun weekend playing around cars, which is a bit nutty, I think, because he can't drive everywhere with it. It's so low. In certain parts of the country, he'll rip the bottom right out of it because of those two milos I talked about on one of the past shows. You might remember those are those big cement speed bumps you find all over Latin America. But Eddie says he knows where they are, so he avoids them. At least he says he does. Anyway, Eddie pulls up to the self-service island at the shell station.
[11:42] But you know Eddie, even though he's got a $50,000 car, he's white trash at heart and has to pump his own gas. So Eddie walks into the shell station food mart, pays a head for his gas like you do with the self-service pump. He goes back to his car and starts pumping the gas. Meanwhile, a little Latin guy walks up to Eddie with a little display case filled with pirated DVDs, which is the usual kind of stuff people push on you at gas stations. And the guy hands Eddie a stack of those DVDs, and as Eddie's looking through them, the guy points to his fanny pack, unzips it, and there's a gun in there. Then the guy says, give me your wallet to Eddie. Now what went through Eddie's mind was this. Let's see, what should I do? Should I just punch this guy in the face or kick him in the balls? Because you see, Eddie doesn't back down from anyone. No matter how civilized he might appear
[12:28] and how well his girlfriend dresses him up, he still has that history of scrapping with people when necessary. Now remember, all this is happening while Eddie is still pumping gas into his car. So this little guy is standing there waiting for Eddie to whip out his wallet. And Eddie's still pumping the last bit of gas into his car and he's thinking, what I should do is I should just break his nose with a gas pump nozzle. Well then he thought then someone will call the cops, the cops will come and he'll waste four hours with paperwork screwing around. And Eddie figured nah, he didn't have time for that. So Eddie said he calmly took the nozzle out of the gas can, put it back into the pump, turn to the guy and said, okay, okay. Now Eddie has his own little fanny pack attached to his belt and he doesn't keep much in there because like all good long-term expats, Eddie knows better and he uses it as a decoy.
[13:14] He's got an old wallet in there with some expired credit cards and maybe 20 or 30 bucks just in case. So as Eddie opens the zipper on his little fanny pack, the guy leans over and looks in and guess what? Eddie makes sure that the guy sees good and well that Eddie is packing heat too. He's got his own gun in his fanny pack, a nice little chrome nine millimeter pistol. And immediately Eddie said this little guy's eyes bugged out and he took off running for the hills. And meanwhile, Eddie's still holding a stack of about 10 or 15 DVDs in his hand. The guy took off and left those behind too. So anyway, Eddie gets back in his car and he's got this stack of DVDs in his hand. And by the way, guess who's sitting in the passenger seat? Me, yours truly. And Eddie hands me that stack of DVDs and he says,
[13:59] Johnny, take a look at these, see if they're any good. Go ahead and take what you want. And they were all these really bad slasher movies. So I said, forget it, Eddie, I don't watch this kind of stuff. And then Eddie summed it all up in his usual Kurt way. He said, Johnny, the guy that was selling those DVDs tried to rob me, but my gun was bigger than his so he took off without his movies. So finders keepers, you know? I said, Eddie, Eddie, you know why he tried to rob you? And Eddie said, yeah, yeah, you don't have to tell me. It's because of my car. I know, I know. So the moral of the story once again is blend in, don't stick out, have a low profile. Or like Eddie says, carry a big gun or even a small gun. Now, you might be wondering how Eddie could get away with carrying a gun like that, concealed. I mean, you'd think he'd be a little concerned that if he got stopped by the police for a
[14:44] traffic violation or something like that, or he got into an accident, or if he was in a disco or bar and there was a police raid and they frisked him down and found his pistol. Well, what would happen? Guess what? Nothing would happen. Because you see, down here in Latin America, you can have a gun and get licensed for it and even carry a concealed weapon, even when you're a foreigner, an expat like me or Eddie, as long as you've got residency or you're applying for residency. In other words, you don't even have to be a certified resident yet. You only need the paperwork to prove that your papers are being processed for your residency. And of course, you don't handle any of that. Your lawyer does. And down here in Latin America, when you buy a gun and you get it registered, you get a photo ID gun permit, a little laminated card, it looks like a driver's license, that you carry with you at all times.
[15:31] So, if you ever do get pulled over at one of those roadblocks that they have once in a while down here, where they point at your car, flag you over and check your papers and sometimes rifle through your car, like I've explained in detail in a past show. Anyway, one of the first questions the police ask you when you do get pulled over is this, Porta armas, which means are you carrying a gun? And if you are, what you have to do is you pull out that little ID card, show them your gun and no problem. Everything's as right as rain. And by the way, I do get emails now and again about carrying guns down here. And can you bring your guns down with you? Just how difficult or easy is that? Well, like I just said, if you're not a resident, you're not supposed to have a gun. I mean, for example, if you're an expat on a 90-day visa that you've been renewing over and over and you're down here years and years because, you know, you can do that.
[16:20] You don't have to get residency. You can just wait every 90 days, pop out of the country or have your lawyer arrange for you to get another renewed 90 days. In fact, I know a lot of expats who do that all the time. There's a lot of very low-profile first world people that would rather not apply for residency because they've got a few problems back up in the first world. Bankruptcies, lawsuits, ex-husbands, ex-wives, whatever. Anyway, some people who are down here with a kind of an iffy past don't want to put their name or fingerprints out there and get on any other computer list. Besides that, when you apply for residency down here, you have to get a police report or an FBI report from your home country before you qualify, which begs the question, how can so many expats live down here in Latin America, own businesses, have a lot of employees and make a lot of money when they still aren't even
[17:06] residents and they got to get out of the country every 90 days or pull some funny shenanigans with their lawyer to get that 90-day visa topped off and legal again for another 90 days. Well, I can tell you, expats do that all the time. I know quite a few have been down here 6, 7, 10 years even and are still on 90-day visas and they own nice, successful businesses. Because you see, the thing is, to have a corporation down here, to incorporate your business, you don't have to be a resident at all. In fact, down here, they have anonymous corporations where your name doesn't appear on anything at all if you don't want it. Of course, you are the owner, then how do you prove it? Well, every time you set up a corporation, and it's the same with anonymous corporations too, your company is issued shares. You know, so many shares like they trade on the stock market,
[17:52] though yours won't trade on the stock market because it's just a private corporation. Anyway, when you take out corporation papers, anonymous or not, you are issued shares, stock shares, actual physical shares that you can hold in your hands. And you take those shares and you sock them away in a good place, because that's the proof that you own the company. But I'll talk more about that in another show, because it gets into some details and can be a little complicated. So just know that there are anonymous companies down here, and you don't have to have your name in the registry as owner of the company if you don't want. And either way, you don't have to be a resident, anyone can do it. You don't have to even step foot in the country, and you can still have a corporation registered here. And what's a company like that cost to set up? Well, anywhere from maybe $800 to $2,000, depending on what Latin American country you're setting up that corporation in.
[18:40] And after that, it'll cost you about $200 to $500 a year to maintain, because an accountant has to file tax papers and some other things to keep that company active year over year. And that's why when you select your lawyer to help you set up a company like that, he'll always have that tax person, that accountant on staff, to keep your company's paperwork filed properly with the government, and all that's done in-house in your lawyer's office. But I was talking about owning a gun now, wasn't I? Anyway, bringing a gun or guns down from the United States is pretty damn difficult. There's a ton of paperwork, all kinds of fees to pay, and all kinds of permits to get, so it's not recommended. And sure, your lawyer knows how to do all that, he's probably done it for some clients in the past. Instead, you're better off buying your guns down here,
[19:25] and they've got every make and model of gun that you have up in the first world, so you can get exactly what you want. However, guns down here are taxed so heavily, that you're gonna pay twice to three times as much as you'd pay for that same gun in the first world. So be aware of that. And here's another thing about gun ownership down here in Latin America, that always makes me laugh. When you buy a gun down here, you don't actually get it in your hand for five or six or seven days afterward, because they're gonna do a ballistics test on it. They shoot a bullet or two through the chamber, take some photos of the spent bullet afterward to see the markings on the barrel, and they file that away in a big archive. And they do that ballistic test, because the rifling pattern left on a spent bullet from a gun barrel is unique and different for every gun, like a fingerprint. And that's why up in the first world,
[20:11] when you hear they've done a ballistic test, and a bullet matches a certain gun, they can trace someone getting shot or killed to the gun. And if they know where that gun was bought, because it's a legal gun registered, they can trace it back to the owner. And down here in Latin America, since they try to copy everything first world, they've set up a big system to do that too. However, I was at a party recently, and I was talking to a high level forensic specialist in Honduras, who worked in the homicide division in Tegucigalpa, a city that has one of the highest murder rates, not only in Latin America, but in the world. And like he said, 98% of all those shooting crimes are in drug and gangland areas. The average population is just not affected by that. Anyway, he said they've been doing ballistics on brand new guns sold for the last 12 or 14 years,
[20:58] in order to build a great big ballistics file to match bullets used in crimes to guns that were sold. And guess what? He told me that for all the millions of dollars that have been spent on that system, and all the help they got from the first world, specifically the US, thanks to US taxpayer dollars, of course, sending people down to Honduras and training them, and giving them free equipment to do the ballistics tests. Anyway, this guy told me in all those years they've been doing ballistic tests. No one in Honduras has ever been convicted of a crime based on ballistics. Talk about money right down the toilet. Yep, it doesn't matter where you are. Morons end up in government. And though they've never been able to solve a crime with a ballistics test, Honduras got a nice, big, beautiful, first world style homicide and forensics building out of it.
[21:44] So the bottom line is this. If I bought a gun, and somebody stole my gun, and shot and killed somebody with it, I wouldn't have to worry a bit that it came from my gun, because no one's ever going to figure it out. And you know, I'm thinking, haven't these guys ever watched CSI? Because you know, all those versions of CSI are down here with Spanish subtitles on cable. And speaking of crime, did you know that down in Latin America, the very best Latin American police departments claim they can only solve one out of four crimes. And that's the cream of the crop. And the average Latin American police departments only solve about one out of five crimes. That's a 20% success rate. Pretty pathetic, huh? That's why down here in Latin America, crime pays. Oh, and speaking of expat Eddie, recently he went on a trip to Panama, where they opened up a few new hotels,
[22:29] and they come to Eddie because he likes to gamble, you know? Though Eddie won't admit that he went to Panama just to gamble, because you can gamble anywhere all throughout Latin America. Every country's got gambling. And every big city's got hotel casinos. Now, Eddie said he went to Panama to go to an international food show, which I'm sure he did. He stayed at a brand new hotel casino complex. And guess what he told me? The hotel was just absolutely filled with tourists and investors from mainland China. In fact, he said when he was walking around the lobby, he thought he was in Hong Kong. And Eddie said none of the Chinese people that he came in contact with, the ones in the hotel he tried to talk with, could speak a lick of English or Spanish. So you gotta wonder what they were down in Panama for. Well, they're down in Central America looking for investments. And the hotel concierge said they're bringing in
[23:17] 800 Chinese investors every couple weeks. They're all booked into the same hotel. High rollers with big money looking to invest. Now, in one of my previous shows, I told you what the Chinese are looking to invest in. Down here, they're looking to buy mining, mineral rights, and agricultural land. And they're snapping that stuff up like crazy. But that's not all. Now, Eddie did tell me when he was in a casino, he sat next to a Chinese guy who'd been down there four or five times already on that junket. And he spoke decent English. And Eddie found out that this guy had already started to invest. This Chinese guy had just closed a deal to buy four strip clubs in Panama. And he told Eddie that prostitution is completely legal in Panama. The government sanctions it as long as a girl registers as a prostitute in Panama.
[24:04] And then she's issued a pink card by the government. And that Chinese guy showed Eddie the card. He had one on him. And that girl has to take that card once a week to a doctor and get a signature and a check on that card that she got a clean bill of health. And that Chinese guy told Eddie that nearly all the prostitutes working at the strip clubs in Panama are from Colombia. He said because you see the Panamanian girls don't want any of their relatives or uncles or neighbors or friends to go into a strip club and see them working there. That would be the ultimate in humiliation. So instead, they import the girls from Colombia. And this guy said if they don't keep that pink card up to date, in other words once a week getting checked out by the doctor, when they get stopped by a policeman at a strip club or a hotel or on the street, they're first asked for that pink card.
[24:51] And if it's not up to date, they immediately get deported back to Colombia. And that happens at that moment. They are immediately sent to immigration and shipped home. They can't go back to their apartments or houses or rooms to collect any of their personal belongings at all. Money or wallet or clothes or anything whatsoever. They're just shipped right back to Colombia. And that Chinese guy told Eddie that's why strip clubs and prostitution is so profitable in Panama. Because within that industry, the girls have a reputation of all being up to date with their medical records and clean. Because if they miss one little checkup on that pink card and they get stopped, they're back to Colombia. And here's another very surprising thing about that industry. That Eddie's new Chinese drinking buddy told him. Something that happens almost exclusively in Panama and Costa Rica.
[25:36] Now it turns out this Chinese guy not only bought some strip clubs, but he bought some massage parlors to complete his little investment strategy. And here's what he told Eddie. He said in Costa Rica and Panama, massage parlors have two shifts. A morning shift and a night shift that starts at five in the afternoon. And of course, massage parlors in Latin America are legal bordellos too. So understand that. Anyway, the Chinese guy said the night shift in Panama and Costa Rica at the massage parlors are staffed with Colombian girls. But the morning shift, staffed by locals. And these local girls, for example, Panamanian girls in Panama and Costa Rican girls in Costa Rica are generally young married girls with a kid or two. And even though they work at that massage parlor, they tell their husbands they've got a day job at a bank or an office building or a factory.
[26:24] And because they work the first shift like their husbands do, the husband is convinced that she has a regular day job that pays a hell of a lot of money. And it's all about the money, the Chinese guy said, of course. The average pay in Panama and Costa Rica is from four to five hundred dollars a month. And these massage parlor girls can make a thousand to fifteen hundred a month. About triple the average wage that they'd get working in a real factory. And the reason why these girls aren't embarrassed to work in their own country during the day shift for fear of running into a family member, like I said before, is because during the day, nearly all the clients at massage parlors are foreign tourists or foreigners in the country on business. And obviously the next question is, when Eddie was in Panama, did he go to the strip clubs or the massage parlors? Well, I know Eddie, but I also know his hot looking girlfriend knows how to use a machete.
[27:12] I saw her slice up a coconut once and I'll tell you, she has a Latina temper and if she got mad enough, she could make Lorena Bobbitt look like an amateur. And by the way, did you know that Lorena Bobbitt is a Latina from Ecuador? Makes sense, doesn't it? And for those of you too young to remember that scandal, just Google decapitated organs. You've been listening to The Expat Files, living in Latin America, coming to you each week from somewhere south of the border. And don't forget you can email me on anything at all about Latin America, The Expat Files at gmail.com. Once again, The Expat Files at gmail.com. See you next time.