#195 – The Expat Files: Legal, Love, and Life in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came up to play and now as I wonder My thoughts ever stray Hi everybody I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files living in Latin America the show that tells you what it's really like To live work play and or retire in Latin America. I tell it just like it is so let's get started I It's time for me to announce now that my new seminar is all ready to go all the ducks are lined up It's all arranged and there's no turning back and all you have to do to get in on it is go to

[00:45] www expat wisdom calm that's expat wisdom calm And you'll see all the details the dates the cost the itinerary and note There's a discount if you sign up early now my last seminar that I held in late June and early July Sold out in about nine days, or was it seven? I can't remember anyway registration is officially open So go to expat wisdom calm and get the details. Oh and like I said before there's only 24 people allowed on this trip So sign up now and don't be disappointed The last one filled up so fast that in no time I had a couple of dozen people on the waiting list Don't let that happen to you Okay, and also note that when you go to expat wisdom calm and you click on the seminar link You'll see that I've got seven interviews up there from people who went to the last seminar

[01:33] So you can hear from the horse's mouth exactly what it was like that way You don't have to listen to me blow v8 about it I mean who wants my biased opinion you know enough said about that now if you remember last week I was talking about just how many emails I get from lonely hard expat wannabes up there in Cleveland, Milwaukee Boston and basically all points north I guess they look at me as the next best thing to an expat Dr. Because you see so many love-lorn expat wannabes, and I'm talking about gringas females, too They want to know the details they want all the ins and outs of what it's like in the love and romance department What can you really expect in the long and the short run? I mean romantically and otherwise once you're hooked up with a local Latina or a Latino

[02:18] And you know it's a very complicated subject you just can't ask a question like that and get a pat answer You'll get a completely different answer for example if you hook up with a high-class Latina a rich one or a middle-class Latier guy versus latins from the lower classes not to mention There's a huge difference whether you hook up with a latina or a latina in a high-volume tourist area for example Cancun Costa Rica or Panama Versus if you hook up with a local way off the tourist trail like for example in the cities of San Pedro Sula or La Saba Honduras way off the tourist trail the fact is in those cities some days You could walk around town all day and not see a single gringo and speaking of cities It makes a big difference whether you're hooking up with a latina or latina in a small town out in the boonies a

[03:05] Medium-sized town or a gigantic city, so I guess you can see for expat wannabes It could be a pretty complicated subject not to mention What if your Spanish sucks and that really is a conundrum because when you're off the tourist trail And that's where that gringo advantage really kicks in and love and romance Anyway off the tourist trail hardly anyone speaks English and since your Spanish probably sucks. How are you gonna deal with that anyway? I'll try to touch on a few of those things if I can now last time I also mentioned that if you're in a relationship for some years And you're unmarried and somehow things don't work out right remember You're the rich gringo or gringa now your former other half can always go to court and claim common law marriage then you and at least half of your assets will be in danger, but of course there is a

[03:50] Bulletproof way around that a way to completely protect your assets that is and that's of course with those SA corporations I always talk about those society dot an animal corporations Having your main assets like your house and your business car land etc in an SA corporation like that Not only protects you from domestic problems that might come up it protects you from any kind of lawsuit at all Which is why they always come highly recommended by expats now in the case of a long-term lover That's been scorned and let's use a latina for this example Not that there aren't plenty of Latin guys that hook up with expat gringas There are in either case just remember when you are a gringo or a gringa expat 95% of the time you're gonna be the wealthy one in the relationship

[04:36] And if you've been in a romantic relationship for a long time It won't take much for your jilted lover to get a lawyer and go after you and try to prove common law marriage But I want you to remember something very carefully here if there's no children involved No matter how long or how tight your relationship was before it finally hit the rocks if you get taken to court More likely the case will go nowhere. Why because you see she's gonna bring some witnesses in front of the judge claiming that you've had a Conjugal relationship for years and your lawyers gonna bring an equal number of witnesses to say just the opposite and of course there are people Lying on both sides as a matter of fact perjury is an absolute staple in the court systems down here This is the third world, you know, everyone has their price and down here. It's mighty cheap. Believe me

[05:22] That's why it's always best to have your lawyer handle things stay home and do what he says in fact a friend of mine in Honduras got himself into a fix just like this and Luckily, there were no kids. So when his vengeful ex took him to court to try to prove common law marriage What do you think his lawyer advised? He said don't go to court at all I'll go there myself and if we need counter witnesses, don't worry. I'll handle it. Then my friend said wait a minute What are you gonna tell the judge if he asks you where I am? I mean, I'm on the paperwork I'm supposed to appear in court. He said don't worry There's a kind of a standard procedure when there's a case with a gringo like this and there's no kids We just tell the judge you're out of the country and we'll tell him you don't speak Spanish and then my friend said yeah

[06:08] But I do speak Spanish and I'm not out of the country Are you saying I should leave and his lawyer explained that it wasn't necessary. Sure He could leave if he wanted, but it was no big deal. He didn't have to now pay attention here That advice doesn't apply if there's kids involved. That's a completely different story Then if you're the parent and your name is on the birth certificate Your ex long-term other half and her lawyer could have one of those famous Embargoes put on your passport so that you can't leave the country without settling the case At least you can't leave the country by air Hint hint and I believe I spoke about that on a previous show so we won't go there right now again I'm not advising you to do anything illegal at all though. It might seem like your lawyer is but trust me

[06:55] He's connected and he knows all the ropes So trust him and I'm here to tell you that the letter of the law is rarely followed exactly down here Now I could lay it out for you very straight on this program and say okay These are the statutes and this is how it's written in law and then I could tell you exactly how it's supposed to play out But you see we're not in the first world and it plays out like it plays out Depending on how much money you have how connected your lawyer is and what kind of profile you have in your adopted country I mean, it's gonna play out a lot differently if you're known in Lima, Peru as Joe Stevens ribeye steak King from Texas the guy with ribeye franchises in 16 different Peruvian cities Down here too big a profile means very little wiggle room better that you're so low profile that you haven't got your name on anything

[07:46] Instead all of your assets are owned by a corporation down here. We call it bulletproofing your assets starting to get the idea But back to that long-term relationship that hit the skids now if she wants to prove that she is or was a wife by common law the best witnesses she could ever produce would be a kid or two of Yours and hers of course and yes believe it or not Even if somehow your name and signature never made it to the birth certificate Nowadays every major city down here has DNA testing labs Like I said as far as technology goes the first world has landed So remember that common law marriage claim practically never sees the light of day Unless kids yours and hers are part of that unofficial union

[08:32] That is if it is an unofficial union because there are great numbers of expats who do get married to latinas and latinos But there's just as many expats who do what my father used to call shack up and what does that mean? Well, for example, if an expat has a latin girlfriend They're not married and they've been living together for a few years if the relationship goes sour. Well, that's it They break up and they go their separate ways. Maybe however, if there's a kid or kids She'll be able to take you to court for child support Alimony and maintenance and that'll happen even if you didn't go through the formal marriage process So as politically incorrect as this might sound expats Especially long-term expats are very keen on vasectomies I assure you that every party I go to where there's expats if you mention the word

[09:21] Vasectomy ever so slowly eyes start to widen and heads start to bob in the affirmative Now from the unofficial polls that I've been taking you just can't believe how many expats have been snipped and down here If you go to a specialist, you can have it done for under a hundred and fifty bucks Even less if you got the balls to do it without a general anesthetic. I just had to say that Of course in these heavily Catholic parts. No one's walking around with a sign around their neck saying thank God. I'm sterile I mean the Pope has always been pretty tough on that stance tough on sex with little boys No tough on vasectomies naturally However, that does beg the question. Should you tell your girlfriends and lovers that you've been snipped?

[10:07] Which brings up an even more complicated issue down here Especially on the tourist trail your stories all the time about Latin women trying to trap their gringo boyfriends by getting pregnant Which is one sure way for the woman and the kid to have a kind of a lifetime Annuity if you know what I mean, at least that's what they think and why is that in the minds of the vast majority of Latin American women gringos are a thousand times more likely to accept responsibility Than a shiftless Latin guy who inadvertently or even on purpose knocks her up I mean, it's an unwritten law in the ethereal book of gringo advantages that we do take responsibility for our actions And we make a serious effort to take care of our offspring True or not. That's the stereotype they have of us most gringos who come down and end up in that situation

[10:54] You know a breakup after you've fathered a kid or two You end up paying as of course you should But remember down here where everything's a third to a quarter as cheap as up in the first world I've never heard of a situation where a gringo forks out even a fraction Of what he'd have to pay if he was brought up in front of a first world judge Just remember down here the average social security payment for a retired person is 120 bucks a month I'll bet you didn't even know they had social security down here Well, like I said, they try to copy everything first world and due to form It's about a tenth of the average first world social security payout. Oh and by the way naturally It's a half-assed bankrupt third world version of it, too To give you a perfect example

[11:40] It's common for governments down here to be three four even five months behind on issuing those checks Yes, I said months not days or weeks man If up in the states those social security checks were one week late There'd be national riots and by the way, I think in the next year or so. That's exactly what's gonna happen Anyway, where was it? Oh, yeah Like I said if a gringo or an expat puts a latin girl in a family way He usually ends up paying the majority of time on his own volition And nobody has to go to court more often than not. We actually do own up to our responsibilities At least in that respect we're light years ahead of the latin guys Which is why in the first place so many gringos and expats get cornered into a situation like that

[12:25] And it's not like a few years ago when there was no dna testing and no internet These days it's ridiculously easy to track a first world gringo down when he's up in the states That is even if a gringo on vacation has a fling and puts a girl in a family way If she's got his name and his email address chances are he's not gonna get away with it I mean, come on. Everybody under 45 is on facebook, right? And these days everybody's absolutely obsessed with taking inane photos on their cell phone and instantly posting them In fact, there isn't a first world person under 50 who doesn't have a huge internet presence these days a huge footprint Yep with all those social websites Everyone's linked into you can run but you can't hide and i'm not saying you should

[13:11] But the fact is i'd say a good 10 to 20 percent of long-term expats Do actually owe some child supporter maintenance back up in the first world and of course, they're not telling It's one of the reasons expats tell me on the sly that they actually came down to latin america in the first place Though luckily for them most of them came down before facebook even took off And like good expats on the run from ex-wives or not. They do keep the suggested low profile Why wouldn't they now? It's not just a lonely middle-aged love-lorn guys that are coming down here for a wild time or a romantic interlude Or even a permanent long-term or forever hookup The fact is when you're down here on the tourist trail, there are tons of gringos who want to party

[13:57] Many of them especially the young college surfer types come down here for some sun fun and some general drunken wildness Hoping to hook up with any hot young latina. They can You know the usual spring break blowout attitude Now, of course, we're talking on the tourist trail where the vast majority of gringos go You're not going to see any of that kind of stuff in manago or san solvador I'll tell you that The fact is the rumors are all over the college campuses up in the first world That girls down in costa rica and in cancun and in panama are hot sexy available and easy And if you notice those are all the places that are hot on the gringo tourist trail And why not college kids never go on spring break off the tourist trail. That would be well, no fun at all, would it?

[14:43] Yep It's all about drunken parties and hooking up at the discos and the beach clubs and taking sloppy photos and posting them up on facebook Right to prove to all your friends and buddies how easy it was to hook up with those latin hotties Well, let me just warn you gringo tourists and expat wannabes If you really are coming down here to look for true love and romance, there's two things you got to remember You're unlikely to find it on the gringo tourist trail Though, of course, there are exceptions to that true blue latinas with a heart of gold exist on the tourist trail Sure, but you know what they're not out clubbing every night with the gringo surfers on spring break Those true blue latinas with a heart of gold have better things to do Like for example work a day job at a bank go to sleep early and get up early to shag down that chicken bus

[15:29] As a rule during the week the true blue working class latina with the heart of gold does not have a night life Sure, she goes out and parties with her friends on weekends, but during the week almost never But ladies like that are scarce in the big cities and well-traveled tourist towns. It's that gringo dollar contamination That's affected everyone. Sorry to say the whole population gets jaded top to bottom It's those out of the way small towns in pueblos that don't get much tourist action at all That haven't been contaminated by the gringos and their gringo dollars Which pretty much leaves out most of costa rica panama and at least half of mexico Now as long as i'm being so politically incorrect here I might as well go off the deep end with it and go into a little more detail about that expat vasectomy thing

[16:17] I was talking about i've talked to a lot of expats about this Usually over a few drinks in a bar because it's not something you talk about in mixed company, right? Anyway, the consensus I get from a lot of expats is that having a vasectomy does a lot more than what obviously meets the eye You know prevent pregnancy. In fact, it's got some social relevance, too One is that it becomes a very good test of true love and devotion when you've been going out with a girl for a while Let me explain now. It's beyond common knowledge down here that every eligible latina wants to get married and have a family The fact is i've only met one young latina in my whole life Who said she didn't want to get married and have kids and I know she was lying She was one of those upper class latins with bodyguards and stuff and she was just trying to impress me with an answer

[17:03] She thought a very first world progressive liberal woman up in the first world would give it was a show and i'll bet 10 to 1 Despite what she says in time. She'll be shackled down with a kid or two It always seems to happen like that But as for now, she's just posing as a young progressive gringo wannabe if you're a good observer It's obvious. Oh, and by the way, it was also rather obvious that she'd have loved to have snagged a gringo boyfriend, too But since she's living way off the gringo tourist trail, she's probably never gonna have that chance The fact is every expat I know who has a latin girlfriend is constantly bombarded with hints about getting married There's just no way to stop it That's the way it is So you just better get used to it and it doesn't really matter if you repeat over and over that you've been down that road before

[17:49] Maybe two or three times even and you're just not interested to her. That's not really a no at all It's just a challenge that she believes over time She can overcome and believe me as time goes by they're more than up to the challenge And how do I know that because even the most anti-marriage expat friends of mine have caved? Now i'm not saying all of them But quite an impressive number have walked down the aisles and i'm not saying there's anything good or bad about that But you see the vast majority of expats that come down here are smarting from a failed marriage or two themselves Plus they've usually left behind a few older kids up in cleveland or boisey So the very last thing that's on their mind is doing a repeat of their past life I mean, you know what divorced people with children always say they say they don't regret having the kids

[18:37] They love their kids, but they do regret getting married So older single expats coming down here usually expats over 40 years old They've almost always got some baggage that they've left behind up in the first world And of course i'm talking about single expats now And by the way, if you were to ask me what the percentage of single expats who come down here versus married expats I'd have to say in my experience. It's about 75 to 80 percent single unmarried expats coming down Versus 20 to 25 percent married expat couples coming down And by the way as for those newly arrived single expats I'd say about three quarters of them are divorced with an ex and some kids living back up in the state somewhere And for leaving that scene forever, they usually nurse various degrees of guilt

[19:25] You pick that up right away because it seems like they don't want to talk about it Anyway, like I said every latin woman who's connected romantically to an expat wants to get married and whether he's hot cold or neutral about that The fact is there's always that small sliver of a doubt in an expat man's mind As to whether she's really truly in love with him 100 percent Or that she's kind of in love with him and kind of in love with the fact that you're a gringo and all that goes with it I mean, let's face it. There are obvious huge advantages For a middle-class latin girl to hook up with a real live gringo Why do you think the idea of the gringo advantage is so firmly rooted in all social classes down here? If you looked at it strictly financially for a latin girl, especially a middle-class latin girl

[20:13] It's a cinderella story and believe me every expat I know no matter how smitten with a beautiful latin girl Carries that thought buried somewhere deep in his mind even if an expat has dismissed that idea completely and really believes that his latin girlfriend is Absolutely and positively head over heels in love with him His friends and family up in the first world when they hear about it are definitely going to plant the seed and they're going to water It and fertilize it too They're just never going to buy the fact that a beautiful young latin girl Is actually in love with boring joe the pasty weak-chinned car salesman who just happened to be at a sales convention Down in san jose costa rico when he ran into his very own sophia vergara And you know, it does sound unbelievable, but it happens every day down here

[21:02] But the folks up north they have a very hard time processing it they've all seen modern family, you know latin beauty queen snags ugly wrinkly gringo with money And that's especially true if there's a big age difference between the expat and his new young love And by the way, that's usually how it turns out the guy's at least 10 years older than she is many times 20 or even 25 No wonder first world women blow a gasket when they hear things like that I mean, where do you think that old vaudeville joke has its roots? You know the one i'm trading in my 40 year old wife for 220s anyway, no matter how you feel about it. It's a trend down here a big one So the question's out there How can the expat guy be sure that the young latin girl really loves him?

[21:49] Or she loves the fact that she's hooked up with a gringo and all those advantages that obviously go with it Well, like I said before if you hook up with a girl from a high volume gringo tourist area like costa rica You've probably lost that battle already. There's a good chance the minute she saw you She had visions of green cards and dollar signs dancing in her head But what about gringo latina love and romance off the tourist trail where there are countless numbers of true blue Humble latinas with hearts of gold. These are ladies, of course who all have had bad relationships with latin guys That's a given i've never met a single latin woman down here who has not been cheated on multiple times by an ex or two These are ladies who don't have high hopes They're just looking for a nice stable guy so they can have a nice stable family life and relationship

[22:39] They're looking for a nice guy who can give him a nice middle class lifestyle And you know what it's something that most latin women never get they end up with a guy that can't afford a car So naturally they have to ride the chicken bus the bane of all young latin women and every day She's got to fight off that handful of low-class guys that are always messing with girls on the chicken bus Now all these latin girls know that most of us gringos have a lot more money than they've ever seen before But guess what the true blue latin girl with a heart of gold Will want to continue to work her job at the bank or the hardware store or as quite possibly the secretary of your lawyer In fact, I know a lot of expats who met their latin girlfriends and wives that way Just by sitting in the lobby and talking to the secretary at the lawyer's office

[23:25] So the question again is does she love you for you? Or does she love you more for what you can do for her? Well, let's get back to that vasectomy thing again here that in itself turns out to be a pretty good test Why because as you're discussing the topic of marriage, which will come up I guarantee you even if you never say a word about it She'll bring it up on a regular basis. Believe me And she'll muse about how your little babies are going to be so cute and brad pit like After you've had enough of that That's when you spring the vasectomy thing on her In many cases it turns out to be a true test of loyalty and love you spring that on her And you'll find out soon enough if it's a deal breaker or not When your best girl finds out that there's absolutely no chance of any little brad pits running around in the family

[24:14] Her answer to your medical shortcoming is going to tell you everything you wanted to know That's when you're going to find out if being with you is more or less important to her than that brad pit fantasy And here's part two to that test make sure you tell her straight out and make it perfectly clear That not only are you not going back to the united states to live that you're making latin america You're permanent home now But also make it perfectly clear that you're not going to go back to the united states unless you have to return For a funeral or an emergency. In other words, there'll be no jaunts to disneyland or shopping trips to miami So now you've just laid two big heavy numbers on her first the kid thing which is hugely important to latin women Second you're not going to take her to the promised land nor are you going to let her play the part of the stuck-up latina rich woman

[25:05] Who flies to miami every season to stock up on the latest fashions So laying those two things on her is going to give her a lot to think about and if she accepts all that Without putting up a fight there's a good chance you've got yourself a diamond in the rough Now i'm saying all this because I see how a lot of naive Gringos and green expats come down here and they hook up with the first sexy pretty latina face They see mostly because like I said before that kind of stuff just never happened to him up in the first world And I know what's going through their minds. They're thinking man. I won the lottery I'm 48 golden bald and here I am with a 26 year old beauty queen I better not screw this up who'd have ever thought i'd get a second chance like this And that kind of attitude is even more pronounced with expats that are bouncing off a bad relationship up north

[25:52] Anyway, like expat eddie says buyer beware and he should know Now I don't want to leave gringa expats out of this discussion But I want to advise them once again Like I did in a past show that no matter what number they are on the scale of one to ten Every latin guy in the world is going to be dogging after him And it doesn't matter one bit if these guys are married with children or not They're just always going to lie to you and tell you they're single or divorced Though for some reason latin men are so proud of having offspring male offspring that is When asked they'll never deny that they have kids They'll lie about having a wife of course and say they're single or divorced but not about the kids and What they're really trying to tell the ladies here in their non-subtle way

[26:40] Is that they're extremely virile men and they have a great sperm count like that's supposed to make every gringa fall under their spell And ladies I do want to say that at first glance latin america would seem to be exactly the place you want to go You add an absolutely horrible or non-existent love life up in the states now pretty ladies anywhere never have any trouble I mean initially meeting and hooking up with guys But I also know that there are plenty of women up in the states that unfortunately don't get much or even any romantic action at all They like so many first world men including typical nerds I might add are very low on the one to ten scale too And I know that sounds quite superficial of me to say that but that's the way we judge people on first impression, don't we?

[27:26] Whoops, i'm at the end of the show again, and I still haven't finished the subject next time I'll let you in on some real cool secrets You've been listening to the expat files living in latin america Coming to you each week from somewhere south of the border and don't forget you can email me on anything at all about latin america The expat files at gmail.com See you next time on expamels