#214 – The Expat Files: Life, Lore, and Lessons in Latin America

Automatically transcribed from the original recording; names and wording may contain errors.

[00:00] South of the border down Mexico way That's where I fell in love when the stars above came up to play and now as I wonder My thoughts ever straight Hi everybody I'm Johnny Mueller and you're listening to the expat files Living in Latin America the show that tells you what it's really like to live work play and or retire in Latin America I tell it just like it is so let's get started You know, I just have so many things to talk about I'm just never gonna get to them today or next week or the week after or in the next year even and you know people Always ask me if I'm ever gonna run out of topics Well when I've got guys like expat Eddie feeding me stuff and all the other expats

[00:47] I know including all the emails I get from you guys you want to be up there seems like I've got two lifetimes full Of material right now. So needless to say I'm a little bit backed up So when you guys write me those cool emails and I answer you by saying yeah Well, I'm gonna talk about that on the show in a couple of weeks Well, it might turn out to be in a couple of months, but I will get to it So don't worry now I have to mention the fact that people have been sending me a lot of emails lately asking me if I've been on vacation Because a couple of shows didn't show up on the archives at PRN Well, you know, the fact is that after I do a show and I send it on off to New York at PRN after that I'm on to the next show and don't really think about what happened to the last one I just assumed that at PRN everything's going okay and things are getting posted in the archives as usual

[01:34] But after hearing reports from you guys that my November 23rd and my November 30th show never got posted Well, I did check it out and you're right. It turns out a lot of things got shuffled around at PRN after that big storm I'm up in the Northeast and the Thanksgiving holidays. So they did finally post those shows. They're there So the shows that we're missing were November 23rd and 30th. So go ahead and check them out Alright on to bigger things First let me start by giving you an update on my Latin American seminar the expat wisdom seminar Which kicks off in mid January just a few weeks after what some people think is gonna be the end of the world and what? New Agers think is gonna be some kind of enlightenment In fact now I've heard that these people who believe in that second earth like planet theory the one with the elliptical orbit out there

[02:20] It's called planet Nibiru. You might have heard about it. Personally I think it's a big crack of feces But that too is supposed to have some kind of special tie-in to 2012 and December 21st And that's according to some secret mathematical codes etched in certain famous crop circles in England And you know, I wish I could believe that stuff that surely would make the world a lot more interesting But I'm not quite ready to put on a tinfoil hat yet I guess my problem is I read too many science books and took too many Chemistry biology math physics and astronomy and hard science courses to easily buy into that stuff It's not that stuff like remote viewing and spoon bending don't really exist But I ask you why is it always that toothless obese guy in the trailer court?

[03:05] Who always seems to be the guy that gets abducted by space aliens and gets that cold probe up as anus and not people like you Or me aside from the probe I think I'm much more deserving of a weekend trip to Alpha Centauri than an unemployed guy with pierced nipples Who's addicted to Jersey Shore? So it's not hard to believe why the vast majority of people who think the world's gonna end on the 21st are not exactly Mental giants if you know what I mean, of course, I could be wrong and in that case I'll be jamming with Jimi Hendrix Bach Beethoven and Elvis next week Oh, and here's something I find really funny and very ironic Maybe when I run into Mayan type diehards who absolutely believe the end of the world is coming and believe me down here in Mayan Country, they're running around all over the place

[03:52] It's a sight to see and by the way, they call the end of the cycle 13 buck toon There's even a very cool 13 buck toon t-shirt that's selling like hotcakes down here It's got a picture of a big Mayan pyramid on one side on the other side. It says 13 buck toon Are you ready and it says it in Spanish and about 20 other indigenous dialects? Anyway, any time one of these local indigenous guys cab drivers iron workers Shoe shine boys bus drivers or whoever lays that end of the world 13 buck toon BS on me I make them a bet and I give them terrific odds, but they just won't take it which shows the strength of their convictions Right, for example, I tell these guys all the time. Look, I'll give you a hundred to one odds

[04:38] I'll give you a thousand dollars to your ten that on December 21st The world will not end and things will go on as usual now No matter how convinced they are that the world's gonna end They just never want to take that bet but actually it's a win-win for me because if the world ends and they win They obviously won't get the thousand bucks So they lose and if the world doesn't end they got to pay me ten so they lose again Wait a minute on second thought could be there a lot smarter than I thought Anyway, my expat wisdom seminar kicks off in about a month And the latest news is that I've still got two places available now That might seem a bit strange because a month ago. I mentioned that it was all filled up already Well, it was but as these things go and since I'm arranging rearranging and juggling 24 places at the seminar There's always some last-minute schedule shuffling going on

[05:27] And in this case something new turned up that I hadn't figured on you see a handful of people who booked the seminar People that were coming in from China and Indonesia They hadn't thought to check on the price of the airfare coming down and now they discovered that it's at leaves 2,500 bucks round-trip air so for them in the end the whole deal just wasn't affordable and Because a few of those people had to drop out now a few spots have opened up So just go to expat wisdom calm and click on the seminar link if you're interested All the info is posted right there. Oh, and by the way disregard that little message I've got posted up there that said the price of the seminar would increase a few hundred bucks after November Well since the seminars basically nearly full already and tis the season. It's the holidays

[06:12] You know to stay with the spirit chestnuts roasting on an open dumpster and all that Anyway, I've decided not to increase the price for those last couple of spots I'll be keeping them at the same early bird price that I first offered Just go to expat wisdom calm and click on the seminar link now I like to talk about the quite a few emails. I've gotten from people asking me about gyms and health clubs down here I know I've touched on it a little bit in the past, but let me go into a little detail here Turns out most of the people who write me these emails are Wondering about the condition of the facilities and the state of the equipment and whether the places are clean and hygienic or typical third-world since they've heard me say so many times before how so very lax Latins are generally in the areas of maintenance cleanliness and basic hygiene

[07:02] And as far as us expats are concerned the word maintenance just doesn't exist in their vocabulary And it's always us first-world expats that start businesses that realize right away that if we don't teach our Latin help how to maintain The equipment properly every mechanical and electronic thing we need to keep our businesses going is gonna die well before it's time the bottom line here is if you do start a business don't take anything for granted write up the most complete and Detailed office manual you can think of don't leave out anything Including how to clean the toilets wash your hand and even clean the grime off the light switches because if you don't it won't get Done right or done at all Well, let me just fill you in by saying there are basically three types of health and fitness clubs down here in Latin America There are the first-world style franchises that came in from the states like

[07:51] Gold's gym and Scandinavian gym and believe me their first world all the way when you walk into one of these places If you didn't notice right away that all the pamphlets in the signage are in Spanish You'd think you were in a gold's or a Scandinavian gym in Denver or Cleveland and the reason why of course these places are so First-world and remain so is because as franchises They absolutely have to maintain the franchise's standards as the contract They signed stipulates and all big franchises have troubleshooters on staff who do periodic inspections and as those franchise Contracts state if you don't tow the line They can pull that franchise from you legally and don't think for a moment that that doesn't happen down here in Latin America I've seen a number of franchises get pulled from people in fact

[08:36] I saw two Harley Davidson franchises get pulled and you know when you buy a big franchise like that that sells very expensive First-world products if you don't keep up with the standards you stand to lose a huge investment in fact I know one group of Latin guys that lost a Harley franchise They lost over a half a million bucks when the mothership in Milwaukee pulled the plug on them And there's a real sorted story behind that one and someday I'll tell you But let's get back to health and fitness clubs here now I know that if you go to one of the big health clubs up in the States It's about 40 to 50 bucks a month plus all the big ones usually have a 50 to a hundred dollar initiation fee Well down here in Latin America when you go to one of the big first-world franchises you pay about 25 to 30 bucks a month and believe me that means you're really Exercising with Latin Americans highest of rollers because the average guy even the upper middle-class guy Latin style

[09:26] Of course would never think to spend that kind of money to go to the gym in fact like most Americans They don't think of going to the gym at all and if they do it's usually a short-lived deal And they quit after a month or two basic lack of willpower, you know That means those first-world franchise gyms are just places to be seen and show that you have the money to rub elbows with other Latins in higher socioeconomic backgrounds down here It's the Starbucks crowd that have memberships to gold and Scandinavian gyms And yes These first-world franchise places have personal trainers and yoga and aerobics instructors and all the auxiliary personnel you have up in the first world And though they look good and fit in their spandex outfits. They're only making about 300 bucks or so a month I mean, it's not brain surgery, you know

[10:11] Oh and by the way a brain surgeon down here He makes about as much as a first-world plumber you think I'm kidding. I'm not and again That's just the way it is down here. And then you've got the second tier health clubs. They're not franchises They're individual mom-and-pop businesses owned by Latin guys and gals that are into fitness And these places generally start out in nice new clean facilities with brand new equipment But after a year or two everything gets a bit dingy and dirty and worn around the edges and the light bulbs start burning Out and the bathrooms. Well, let's not even go there. Okay Anyway, that kind of stuff is typical of almost every mom-and-pop business in Latin America, but don't knock it It's one of those things that gives us such a clear gringo advantage So anyway, if you get a membership in one of these places in the first year or two when they first open

[11:00] They're actually not bad at all and the cost only about 15 or 20 bucks a month And after a while nearly all of these second tier health clubs Slip off the rails and fall into the third category where the machines are so well-worn that you can see deep furrowed Hand shin and ass prints in every one of them neither hygienic nor pretty and not recommended for gringos and These are definitely health clubs for the Latin middle classes since the fees are only 10 or 12 bucks a month But believe me if you close your eyes and walk through the door of one of these places I guarantee you it's not gonna smell much better than the restroom at the Greyhound bus station now Expat Eddie who has a way with words says even with his white trash background He wouldn't be caught dead in one of those places because he says quote

[11:47] They smell like fresh ass But that doesn't seem to matter at all to the neighborhood locals who frequent the place some of these low-end places are just jam-packed And though it's an interesting adventure to have a walk through one of those places You'll never sing a gringo or an expat in there Oh, yeah, and about ventilation forget about it except for the occasional broken window. You're gonna be breathing last year's air Oh, and as you might expect that whatever gym you go to about 95% of the people are totally out of shape Like I've said before Latin America is definitely putting on the pounds Which would indicate that health clubs should be a growth industry, right? But it doesn't seem quite so down here in Latin America and what makes me say that well It's because that every week or so in the classified ads in the big newspapers

[12:33] I see that there's someone or other selling loads of used professional gym equipment Which would indicate that these places are going in and out of business all the time and about that used gym equipment for sale Yuck, don't even think about it But here's a funny thing and I don't know if this happens up in the first world But last week when I stopped into a brand new Scandinavian gym clean and bright and perfectly first world all the way it even Smelled good in there. Anyway, right when you walk in there's the reception desk and to the left is a refreshment lounge and being That it's attached to the health club and all you think that when you go in there You'd find only healthy natural non-gmo food products and drinks But man was I wrong you walk in there and you bursting you see as a coke machine a row of cakes and cookies and brownies

[13:19] on the counter and get this a tiny Domino's pizza window and the real topper and this I can't believe they sell cigarettes And you know, I wasn't really surprised because that's what people who have a little excess money do down here they spend their money on the first world all-american junk food diet and Another big shocker was that there were more people eating that junk in the lounge than were actually Exercising in the other part of the building and again everyone and I mean everyone was overweight in the place The only people that actually had the cut up physiques and the six-packs and the muscles Were the people working there like the receptionists and the trainers and stuff, but maybe I shouldn't be too critical for all I know it's exactly like that up at the health clubs in the first world, too But one thing I do know that every health club has its diehards

[14:06] That's small group of people that go every day or every other day and really work out hard and tough It's their hobby. At least that's what I remember from health clubs back up in the States They've got that diehard 5% or so who really have the bodies and the look well I'm here to tell you that down here in Latin America I've yet to find that diehard group of workout fanatics But they must be out there somewhere because I notice in the local papers every half a year or so They do have their muscle and fitness competitions in every city could be they're all down at the beach Who knows maybe someday I'll run into one of them, but so far no dice Now moving on I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that when I did that show a few weeks ago on that Hiawaska little experience I had I have to admit

[14:51] I received the most email responses ever for that show and surprisingly they were all Terrifically supportive none of them negative of and no one even hinted that I was a foolish idiot to get myself involved in such a thing Though I still haven't quite gotten around to telling my mother yet I am expecting a little flack there, but maybe it's one of those things. She doesn't really have to know about you know Anyway about those emails Let me read you a couple of these this one's from Dave. He says Johnny. That was one interesting podcast I don't think international living has gotten around to covering anything like that yet. I did see a documentary on the subject myself Fascinating and very similar explanations and experiences Truly, it's information and entertainment for me you hit a high watermark for the unusual. Thanks, Dave

[15:44] Well Dave you know what I always say being normal is all right, but it's just not very interesting And here's an email from another listener named Dave He says Johnny just wanted to say thanks for that Hiawaska show you did I find myself in the very same position in life I've only smoked pot and drank alcohol a bit and I've recently been researching the effects of Hiawaska I mean who can't benefit from bringing their lives down a few notches now that I'm about to turn 45 I think I'm emotionally prepared for it and not only that I think I'm mature enough for it I'm not looking to trip for tripping sake. I'd like to be more at peace. Thanks again for that show I know for sure that most people in the media just wouldn't go out on a limb and share a story like that

[16:31] And he signs it a future expat Dave and thanks for that Dave And you know that's another very good reason for living down here in Latin America or any place out of the reach of big brother Down here I can talk about things like that and anything else I want without having to look over my shoulder at all or wonder which new big brother list. I've been added to today Oh and just a minute Dave has a PS on this email. He says Johnny just for your information I don't even look or listen to any other expat material I've listened to every one of your shows and have them all Downloaded so when I can finally make the break I'll re-listen to them all and oddly enough I'm actually doing some research into some cold pressed coconut oil which you mentioned on your last show And as I'm typing this I'm also playing a YouTube video on how to make your own

[17:21] So thanks for all you do Johnny. Hopefully one day I'll get to meet you face to face and shake your hand I've learned so much from you in the last two years and then he finishes with this. Okay, Johnny I guess that's enough ass kissing for now. Yeah, but you know Dave every knucklehead needs a compliment once in a while so thanks for that and Then I got this email about that Hiawaska show I did from Robert and as you might have figured I've changed the names here to protect these people from their wives girlfriends Mothers and big brother. That's something I wouldn't have to do if they actually live down here as expats, but they're working on it Anyway, here's Robert's email He said Johnny the Hiawaska itself is not the danger at all according to an expat whom I recently heard interviewed

[18:06] The main hazard to tourists in search of such an experience is that they are led into a dangerous place to be attacked by predatory people Also, there are vendors of the stuff that adulterated with other plant extracts And that's according to an interview with a researcher who has studied Hiawaska as a cultural phenomena The audio is about an hour and 18 minutes long and then he gives the link here So if you guys want that link just send me an email to Johnny at expat wisdom calm And I'll be glad to do it. And here's another email. I got about the Hiawaska thing from Bob. It says hi Johnny I just finished listening to your show where you described your Hiawaska experience in 2002 or 3 around that time my wife and I traveled to Peru for two and a half weeks to hike a

[18:54] Four-day hiking trip that was pretty tough to visit Machu Picchu and other areas. We were in our mid 40s then One other adventure was going into the Amazon jungle a hundred kilometers up a river from Iquitos, Peru To loving light echo lodge where we took part in a previously arranged Hiawaska ceremony The shaman came along on the boat ride with us from Iquitos He spent time gathering the vines and the leaves and the other ingredients for the concoction. We were about to consume one evening there I'll tell you when a bucket is set out in front of you the reality of what one is about to experience Comes rushing in I know what he means by that Then he says the chanting and the whistling and the blowing of the smoke into the tops of our heads after having drunk a very large

[19:40] Volume, I guess at least a couple of the rather disagreeable liquid that was interesting But after that the vomiting was or seemed Incest for me and it seemed to go on all night at one point very deep into the vision or hallucinations Which we were visible and audible I swear and my wife confirms that while on my back on the bed I vomited straight up like a fountain That sounds like a must-do experience doesn't it? I'd hate to see that on YouTube anyway He goes on to say at one point. I was given something that tasted like lemonade maybe to bring me down Meanwhile my wife was worried that I was going to choke to death on my vomit even though she was in her own deep Hallucinations herself and just as an aside Bob here's what I say

[20:27] What better way to go out in a true rock star blaze of glory than the traditional choking on your own vomit method? So favored by people like Hendrix Morrison Janice Joplin and mama Cass Alright, then Bob goes on to say anyway the experience was very powerful, and I did have a sort of realization while deeply hallucinating Funny thing though when we awoke in the morning We were in non vomit clothing and the bed was completely clean and tidy I still don't know how that happened I felt so weak and hung over that morning that as we packed to go back to Iquitos we both agreed We'd never want to do that again But later on we again agreed that we would actually try it again strange, huh life is a trip Cheers Johnny and

[21:14] Again, thank you Bob for that technicolor description of the liquid portion of your experience So all you expat and expat wannabes up there after digesting that email are any of you still up for the experience I bet you still are So anyway folks those are the kind of emails I've been getting ever since I did that show about that Hiawaska experience And I even got a few emails from people about how the whole thing could be turned into a thriving expat business Which is actually a pretty good idea the idea would be to set up a website and organize some real live shamans down here and start advertising on the web and in big newspapers up in the States and Fly people down from places like Boston and Cleveland for the experience It would be curb service hand-holding people all the way

[22:03] You know the real deal with the real people as opposed to a green gringo getting off a plane in Tagusi Galpa and asking a cab driver for the nearest shamans headquarters You know not so cool, but gringos especially backpackers do it all the time anyway That's a great idea and again only a first-world gringo could think of something like that We're the only ones with those kind of organizational skills people down here can't put that together I mean real live shamans come from rainforests and jungles and though I'm sure these days They've all got cell phones the real ones that I don't mean the cab driver's brother-in-law they still eat iguanas turtle eggs and snakes and they don't cook them up in a microwave and Then I got an email from a listener with a link to a site in Peru that will mail order you the hayah wasca

[22:52] And really you got to see this website. It's amazing You can hardly believe something like that exists, but it does and it's even a nicely done website it's in Spanish and English and if you want the link just send me an email and Here's what it says on the main webpage. We will mail you ready to drink liquid hayah wasca containing potent DMT Prepared in the traditional shamanic way by a licensed Peruvian shaman We will ship to any country in the world now that I don't believe and another thing I didn't know that Peruvian shaman had to be licensed That seems kind of counterintuitive doesn't it I mean is it like taking your medical or dental boards or a CPA exam I'd really like to know a little bit more about that

[23:38] Anyway, it says here the minimum purchase is one liter, which is enough for 30 individual doses Just perfect for an end of the world party and it says here they accept payment by Western Union or money gram You can expect to receive your hayah wasca in approximately 16 days after the date of your order Depending on your country's distance from Peru We will also include a plastic metered container at no charge along with an instruction manual So you will know exactly how much to drink Now that's the kind of stuff that scares me I would never recommend doing it that way, but it is a really fun website to check out for Educational purposes and a good laugh the thing is I could go on and on with these ayahuasca emails

[24:25] But what I'm trying to say is that there are an awful lot of people interested in this stuff who da thunk And regarding a few more emails on other topics I do get emails all the time about water filtration Basically water filtration when you're on the move and I'm sure all of you know by now You can just email me Johnny at expat wisdom calm And I'll send you to plans on how to put together your own system in your house the exact system I use and install any place I move to that'll absolutely purify your water 10 times better than any bottled water you could ever get It's a part ceramic part carbon block filter that'll put out a gallon a minute But it's an under the sink job, and it's not portable So what I always do when I'm taking a car trip is fill up a couple of gallons and a couple of 500 milliliter

[25:10] Water bottles and keep them completely out of the Sun of course I leave them in the trunk or in a closed box But you can't do that if you're flying somewhere, so what do you do well? My old standby is an expensive katie didn't pump job, but the problem is it's about 250 bucks Even though it'll last forever and puts out about 10,000 gallons of water before you have to change the filter and another problem with those things is that they're not really that portable and you got a Pump and pump your ass off And I do believe that though it's heavy-duty and very well-made if you drop it on the ground you could damage it Internally and never know it because after all you've got a ceramic element in there and ceramic is nothing but fragile glass So anyway I've got one of those things that I take it with me on occasion But there's a better method now a lot of companies now have got these portable squeeze bottles that you just load up with water

[26:00] And squeeze or suck through a straw and you get purified water on demand without pumping now I know there's a lot of companies that make these and I've heard some bad things about some of these bottles that they leak That they clog and they quit putting out and or they're just not well built and still some of them cost 50 bucks or more And they're only good for like 25 to 50 gallons And then you have to replace that filter which could cost another 25 bucks or more So even if they do work as designed in the end whether you know it or not You're paying up to two dollars a gallon for purified water And there's so many of these on the market these days who's got the time to analyze or check these things out Well, I have good news about that one of our very good friends of the show JC Who's a personal friend of mine and on our expat wisdom team?

[26:45] He's discovered one of the best of these little filter bottles, and it's cheap only about 25 bucks We'll filter a hundred gallons of water before you have to change the filter So you're looking at only 50 cents a gallon and like all good water filters these days it removes 99.9% of Guardia and Cryptosporidium It's got a tiny carbon block filter to remove chemicals heavy metals pathogens chlorine sediment dirt you name it anyway This is one portable filter that really comes highly recommended from our expat wisdom team And has been thoroughly tested down here in Latin America by JC And it will be the next little portable filter unit I'm gonna buy and by the way, it's made in the US without BPA plastic So if you're interested we'll put a link up on the expat wisdom website, so you can check it out

[27:32] South of the border down Mexico way You've been listening to the expat files living in Latin America Coming to you each week from somewhere south of the border and don't forget you can email me on anything at all about Latin America The expat files at gmail.com See you next time on spamos She was a picture